I honestly can't believe we're on chapter twenty five of this story, that's absolutely insane. Never did I think I'd still be writing this far into it.
I hope you all like this one. Fair warning, it's gonna hurt. Hope you enjoy.
Chapter Twenty Five
Casey jogged his way back through the halls of the firehouse, hurrying to the locker room as to not keep Gabby waiting any longer than he already had. Second shift had just completed their stint at 51, and it was time to pack up and go home. Luckily, aside from a few random ambo calls and one car accident, it had been a relatively quiet evening in the house. Every time the bells rang out, Matt would snap from his slumber, only to slowly fall back to sleep when it was clear his services weren't needed. Whenever there was a call, Gabby would quickly crawl from the bed, Matt instantly missing her warmth against him as he fell back into his peaceful sleep. But he would wake back up each time she came back, hearing her shut the door behind her and slip into his bunk, his arms tangling around her as she returned to her previous position.
When Matt had woken up this morning a little before six, he was surprised to not feel Gabby beside him, his mind taking a few moments to catch up as he remembered she'd been called out an hour prior. But once ambo returned, no companies had been needed before the end of shift, everyone in the firehouse grateful for the easy morning.
Gabby had said her fair share of goodbyes to people around the house at shift's end, knowing that this was the last time she'd be here with them in this capacity. She'd been greeted by hugs all around, Matt standing back in the doorway of the common room while the members of 51 got their time with her. During the goodbyes, Matt couldn't help but notice the sad look covering Herrmann's face as he'd spoken with Gabby, but the man said nothing aside from a sweet goodbye, telling her not to be a stranger before she moved onto the next person vying for her attention.
When the crowd started to dissipate, Gabby and Matt left the firehouse hand in hand, walking through the garage towards his truck. As they neared the exit, it was then Matt realized he'd left his keys in his locker, the man saying a quick apology to Gabby before hurrying inside to retrieve them.
Casey finally got to the locker room, blowing out a breath as he entered. Almost all of second shift had gone for the day, third shift already settled in and ready to go, so the room was quiet. But as he turned the corner for the last row of lockers, he stopped short when he saw Foster standing at her locker, the woman equally as surprised to see him. Matt hadn't noticed her presence while everyone was saying their goodbyes to Gabby, Casey having figured she already left shift, but clearly that wasn't the case.
Giving her a slight nod, he continued his path to his locker, wanting to get out of there as quickly as possible. The two hadn't seen one another since last night in the garage, and Casey had been just fine with that. He wasn't sure if the paramedic had been avoiding him, but he hadn't seen her around the firehouse until now.
Quickly undoing the lock, Matt fished his keys from the top shelf, shutting the door back in place, working on getting the lock positioned correctly. He had just finished his task when he heard Foster clear her throat behind him, Matt sighing as he braced for whatever words were about to come out of her mouth.
"Casey… I'm so sorry." She started, Matt's eyes falling closed momentarily before he turned around. "I never would've said anything had I known what happened to her."
"Foster-"
"I feel awful." She cut in, Matt pinching the bridge of his nose tightly, aiming to relieve some of the pressure building in his skull. "I should apologize to her, I-"
"No." He commanded, stunning her into silence. "You won't say anything to her."
"But-"
"Foster, what part of me telling you to forget what you heard do you not understand?" His voice was laced in aggravation, not wanting to deal with this right now.
"But when I apologized, I didn't know what had happened. I never should've pushed her so hard about why she came back, I need her to know how sorry I am for that."
"You never should've been questioning her in the first place." He replied sharply, Emily's arms crossing over her chest. "And as far as I'm concerned, you don't know anything... You heard Herrmann and I talking, so I'm assuming you heard me telling him how Gabby doesn't want anyone knowing."
"I'm not gonna say anything." She assured him quickly, the tone in her voice telling Matt she was almost offended at the insinuation.
"Yeah, I would hope not." He muttered bitterly. "Considering you shouldn't even know anything in the first place, you definitely shouldn't be telling anyone else." The hostile tone to his voice shocked even himself, and it definitely took Foster by surprise.
Releasing a soft groan, Matt took a step closer to her before continuing. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be an ass. I just- Gabby's going through enough right now, she can't handle something like everyone finding out, not when it wasn't her choice." He explained, Foster giving him a nod of acknowledgement. "And, no offense, but you two don't exactly see eye to eye, and you're really the last person I imagine she'd want knowing about this. And now I have to worry about that, and-"
"You don't have to worry about it, because I'm not gonna say anything." She replied firmly. "I promise, I won't say a word. To Gabby, or anyone. I don't want to make things harder for her, so if you say I shouldn't say anything to her, I won't. I never meant to eavesdrop on your and Herrmann's conversation, I should've made my presence known sooner. But like you said, as far as we're both concerned, I don't know anything."
Blowing out a relieved sigh, Matt gave her a small smile. "Thank you, Foster."
Casey started walking towards the exit, only getting a few steps before her voice stopped him. "But Casey," She started, Matt turning back to look at her. "I am really sorry that happened to her. No one deserves to go through that. And I'm sorry for how I've been acting towards her, like I told her, I'd been taking out my own issues on her and that wasn't fair." She told him, pausing to take a breath. "I know I'm far down the list of people you two would go to, but just know that if either of you need anything, I'm here for you guys."
The sincerity in her words stunned him, Matt needing a moment to process what she'd said before he could respond.
"Matt?" Gabby's voice filtered through the small room, Casey's open mouth slamming shut as he turned to look at the exit just as Gabby came around the corner. "You ready to go?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowing slightly as she saw Foster still there. Gabby hadn't seen her since they returned from their last call, Dawson assuming the woman was long gone.
"Yeah, let's go." He replied, walking the short distance to her. "See you next shift, Foster." Matt told the other paramedic, the woman nodding before the couple walked out of the locker room.
Gabby could feel the weird energy in the room the second she had walked in, and she could only imagine what they had been talking about. If she had one guess, she would say it had been about her. But whatever it was, Matt remained quiet about it as they walked to the truck.
"I have an appointment with Chaplain later this morning." Gabby broke the silence as they walked down the slippery driveway. Matt turned his head towards her, flashing her the sweet smile he usually reserved only for her. "I heard back from him while you were inside, he had an opening so I'm gonna go see him around eleven."
"That sounds good, do you need me to go with you?"
"No, no, it's okay. We're just gonna talk about the nightmares, and then update him on how I've been feeling." Matt nodded at her words, focusing his attention back on the wet ground beneath him.
"Did you sleep okay last night?" He questioned, reaching out for her hand as they maneuvered around a patch of ice.
"For sleeping on a cramped bunk, I slept pretty damn well." She commented with a grin, Matt huffing.
"You could've had your own roomy bunk, lady."
"Yeah, I know." She responded, squeezing his hand. "But I enjoyed yours a lot more."
"Can't say I disagree with you there." He replied with a smug smile, placing a soft kiss to her lips before getting to the truck.
The pair climbed in, their breath still able to be seen in the air from inside the vehicle, Matt hurrying to put the keys in the ignition, both of them craving the warmth from the heater as chills ran through the bodies from the cold seats.
Waiting for the truck to warm up to an acceptable temperature, Matt spared a quick glance at Gabby, the woman turned away from him as her gaze was trained out the window. Aside from what happened between her and Foster, from Matt's perspective it seemed like her shift had gone well. She'd been welcomed back with open arms by everyone who knew her, and Matt couldn't be more thankful for that. He knew how worried she'd been about going back, but he hoped the past 24 hours had eased some of those concerns.
"So…" He started, pulling her attention away from the falling snow she had been concentrating on out the window, Gabby turning to him with a small smile on her face. "How do you think that went?"
"Honestly? It went better than I expected." She started, Matt moving to rest his hand over her thigh. "I mean, the stuff with Emily I could've done without, but other than that, I was glad to be back." A wide grin fell to his face, Gabby's smile widening as well. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip, Gabby raising her eyebrows as she sensed a question on the tip of his tongue. "What?" She prompted when he hadn't said anything.
"Do you think it might be something to think about, you coming back?" The smile fell from her face, Gabby releasing a gentle sigh as she pursed her lips together.
"Matt…"
"Just hear me out." He spoke quickly, Gabby shifting in her seat to get a better visual of him. "I know you were worried about what it would be like, working with everyone again. But you saw it, everyone was so happy to have you back. And it felt so great, having you there and being able to work with you again." Matt paid close attention to her as he spoke, trying to get a read on where her head was at. "I know it's not as simple as you just deciding whether or not to come back, I know there's more to it than that. But do you think it could even be an option for you? If Boden offered you this job right now, do you think you'd be able to do it?"
"I don't know." She responded truthfully, placing her hand over Matt's. "I felt okay for the most part, but there were a few times where it got close to being too much for me. I don't know if I'd be able to do this full time." Matt nodded with a sympathetic smile, moving his thumb over the outside of her leg. "Who knows, maybe if I just submersed myself in it, it could help me. But it could also make things worse... I really don't know if I'd be able to handle a job like this right now."
"And that's okay. I didn't mean to pressure you, I guess I got a little excited getting to work with you again." He responded with a grin, Gabby's heart fluttering at the sight. "But I know how much you're enjoying your new job, and working with Jemma. I don't want you to lose that. All that matters is you being happy and feeling comfortable where you work."
"You weren't pressuring me, and trust me, I loved getting to work with you again, too. It reminded me of before, and it was nice." She replied lightly, tapping her fingers over the top of Matt's hand. "And I don't know what's the best place for me right now, I really don't. I know I'd love to be working with you again, but with how I feel right this second, I think I need to stay where I am. I don't know if I could keep up with the pace of 51 consistently." Gabby did her best to explain. "Is that the right decision? I don't know. But it feels right."
"Then it's the right decision." He spoke, Gabby smiling appreciatively at him.
"Thank you." She whispered, picking up his hand from her leg and placing a soft kiss to the back of it. "Now can we get going, I'm hungry and would love a nap before I go see Chaplain." She berated, Matt chuckling at her before demanding his hand back, moving it towards the gear shift.
He put the truck in drive, preparing to pull out into the road when he suddenly stopped, putting the truck back in park, eliciting a raised eyebrow from Gabby. "What is it?"
"Actually, before we go, there's something I need to tell you." The clear shift in his voice worried her, Gabby sitting up straight as she focused on him. He'd been wrestling with if he should tell her about what happened last night, but he knew he had to. He couldn't keep her in the dark about something that directly affected her. Not with this. And not when they'd been making great strides in getting out of those old habits about keeping things from one another, with the intention of sparing the other's feelings. He refused to fall back into those old patterns, knowing how detrimental they ended up being to their relationship. The last thing he wanted was to add to what she was going through, but he couldn't not tell her. He wouldn't.
"Matt?" She questioned, her tone telling him this wasn't the first time she'd tried to get his attention.
"Herrmann and Foster know about the attack."
His voice was low, but Gabby heard him clearly, her conflicting emotions playing out over her face as she tried to process what she'd just been told.
"What- I… how did they find out?" Her words came out choppy, her mind playing catch up as she tried to form a coherent sentence, his news knocking the wind out of her. She could hear the blood pumping through her ears, she felt her heart pounding in her chest as she waited for an explanation.
With a slow, deliberate breath, Matt began telling her what had happened, going over every detail from Herrmann hearing their talk in his office, to the talk the two men had in the garage, and Foster ultimately overhearing everything. He made sure to leave nothing out, knowing it best to give her all the details so her mind wasn't running rampant. Matt went over in depth what he'd told Foster last night, and the conversation she saw the tail-end of this morning in the locker room, keeping his eyes focused on her while he spoke. Gabby had remained silent, giving him next to nothing in terms of a reaction, the woman silently digesting the words she was hearing.
Once he finished, he gave her a second to process everything, Matt preparing himself for the worst as he waited to see how she'd react to this.
When minutes had gone by and she still had said nothing, Matt blew out a tired sigh, reaching for her hand that rested in her lap. "I'm so sorry, Gabby."
His voice seemed to snap her from her daze, her eyes meeting his, an unexpected, soft smile reaching her lips. "It's not your fault, Matt. You have nothing to apologize for." She murmured, Matt surprised at how well she seemed to be taking this. "If anything, it kind of sounds like it was my fault. And, if I'm being honest, I don't think I mind so much." Matt's eyes widened at her statement, the look of shock clear over his face. Never did he expect this type of reaction. Seeing his astonished gaze, Gabby further explained herself. "Well, I don't really mind that Herrmann knows." She clarified, "I really wish Foster didn't know, but she does. There's nothing we can do to make her forget what she heard." Gabby spoke with a sad smile. "But Herrmann, I actually feel a little… relieved? I'm not sure if that's the right word for it, but part of me is grateful I'm not the one who had to tell him. I'm kind of glad he knows."
Matt sat stunned for a few seconds, trying to gather himself before responding. "You sure you're okay with this?"
"I mean, there's not really anything we can do to change it. Hopefully Foster meant what she said and won't tell anyone, and I trust Herrmann." Gabby tried her hardest to explain where her head was at, but she could tell Matt was weary, and definitely confused.
"I know I was so adamant about no one finding out what happened, and I still don't know if I want everyone knowing, but I realized something when I first went to see Chaplain. After I told him what had happened, I felt lighter. It didn't feel like I was being weighed down by this huge thing anymore, at least in the moment it didn't. But right after I told him, and he knew what had happened, I felt better. It's kind of that same feeling now that Herrmann knows." She told him, Matt nodding slowly in response. "I know this probably doesn't make sense to you, it doesn't to me either, not really. I don't know why sometimes I'm okay with people knowing, and other times the last thing I want is anyone knowing what happened, but all I know to do is follow how I'm feeling, and right now I think I'm alright."
"It doesn't need to make sense to me, as long as you're okay that's the only thing that matters."
"I am, or I feel okay right now at least." She responded. "Foster knowing does make me a little nervous, just because of the weirdness between us and I don't know if she was serious about not saying anything. And having a complete stranger knowing something so personal about you is hard. But at least with her, I don't owe her any explanation."
"You don't owe any of them an explanation, Gabby." He reminded her gently.
"I know I don't, but it's different with everyone else. Foster, she never knew me, so there's none of that expectation for her to know what happened. But with everyone else- I don't know how to explain it, I know they'd never sit there and make me go through the details of it, but they'd worry. They'd build up some terrible, awful story, and always wonder what did or didn't happen. I wouldn't just be Gabby to them anymore, they'd look at me and their first thought would be the attack. It's a different thing with Foster, because she doesn't look at it as 'this happened to my friend'. She's not emotionally involved, so it's almost easier that it was her that found out." Gabby knew she was rambling, but she hoped Matt understood at least a little of what she meant.
Matt had watched her carefully the entire time, almost not trusting how well she was handling this. There were times he never knew what to expect when it came to Gabby and how she'd react to things, and she'd handled this a million times better than he would've ever thought. He couldn't help the surge of pride that ran through him as she spoke, knowing that even a few weeks ago, something like this might've seriously derailed any progress she'd made.
"You think I'm crazy, don't you?" She asked with a gleam in her eye when Matt had yet to respond, the man chuckling as he shook his head.
"Not because of this, no." He responded teasingly, before the mood shifted once more. "No, but I just worry about you Gabby. I want you to be okay."
"I know you do. But I think I am okay. I don't know if that'll change once I see them again, but if it does, I'll tell you." She promised him, Matt nodding in response before moving his attention back towards the truck. The pair fell into a comfortable quiet as Matt pulled out into the street, focused on navigating the icy roads. Gabby kept a hand on his leg while they traveled, both of them needing this moment to decompress after the events of the past twenty four hours.
"Do you think I should tell people about the attack?" the Chaplain's eyebrows raised in curiosity, not expecting those words to come from her mouth as they sat in his office. "It's just- Herrmann and Foster accidentally found out what happened and part of me felt relieved that someone else knew. Is that weird? For me to be feeling like that?" She questioned, stopping to take a breath.
"It's not weird, Gabby." He responded almost immediately.
"I could tell Matt really didn't know what to do with my reaction, I'm sure he was expecting some type of breakdown because of it, can't say I blame him." She mused. "I know he was surprised, and honestly so am I. I don't know why I'm okay with them knowing, especially Foster… but I can't explain it. I don't get it either. But for some reason, it's not really bothering me like I thought it would."
"That's a good thing, though. Isn't it? What happened to you, it's been like this weight pushing you down, and maybe opening up to people about what you went through will help you. You said it's not bothering you like you expected it to, maybe that's a sign you're starting to accept what happened to you." He theorized, Gabby falling deep in thought over his words.
"Yeah, maybe." She agreed, biting her bottom lip gently. "But does that mean I should start telling everyone? I don't know if I could do that."
"No, not at all. There's no guide you have to follow here, it's all about what you feel comfortable doing. You starting to accept what happened, maybe that's not telling everyone what you went through, but maybe it's talking to a few people about it. Maybe it's confiding in Herrmann." He spoke, knowing of the close relationship between the firefighter and paramedic. "There's no right or wrong thing to do, it's all about what's making you feel better. You have to follow what feels right for you, Gabby."
She nodded slowly, digesting everything he'd just said, the Chaplain giving her a minute before continuing on.
"So, speaking of this, how have you been doing lately? Working a shift at 51, that had to be fun."
Blowing out a sigh, Gabby ran her hands over her knees. "It went well, for the most part. Everyone seemed really glad I was there, and it felt nice. And I've been, well- I've been kinda up and down lately. I have some really good days, and then some pretty rough days." She confided, the Chaplain giving her a sad smile.
"That's to be expected. What's been going on during the bad days, have you had anymore anxiety attacks?"
"No, I haven't. And I guess it's not so much bad days as it is bad moments. I started having nightmares." She spoke softly. "Once Matt was able to wake me up, it was okay. I was a little spooked, but I was able to get back to sleep. I just don't know why they're starting now. I mean, aside from when I was still in Puerto Rico after it happened, I haven't really had any nightmares until now."
"It could be a few things, but if I were to guess I'd say it's because you're finally facing this thing head on. Trying to get past something like this, there's times when things go great, and then times when you stumble a little. How many have there been?"
"Just the one."
"What happened?"
"It was the attack, but I wasn't able to get away… It felt so real while it was happening, but then Matt woke me up and I snapped out of it. He was able to calm me down, and I… I dunno, I felt okay. I was scared while it was happening and a few minutes after I woke up, but once I realized it wasn't real, I felt alright."
"Were you surprised, that it didn't affect you more?"
"Honestly, yeah." She admitted. "I was expecting it to rattle me more than it did. Don't get me wrong, I was terrified. But once I grasped that it wasn't real, it didn't stay with me as much as I was expecting. And Matt and I talked through it the next morning, I told him what all happened, but even when I was reliving it, it didn't shake me like I thought it would. I don't know, sometimes it feels like I'm starting to get past it?" Chaplain heard how unsure she sounded in her words, Gabby not sure if she could trust her own feelings. "I mean, yeah, there's still days where I feel so overwhelmed and like the weight of this is almost unbearable, but then there are days when I feel almost at peace with it… like I'm okay about what happened. Is that normal? For this to be so up and down?"
"I promise you it is. I know it might seem like you're not making progress, but everything you're telling me, you're in a much better place than you were even when I first saw you. I know I told you there's no quick fix, and there's not. But you're working on getting past what happened to you. There's gonna be days where it feels like you're drowning, I wish I could lie to you and tell you that won't happen, but it will. There's no way around it, some days will be harder than others. But there will be a point where it's more good days than bad… And everything I'm hearing, about how you handled the nightmare, and your feelings about people finding out about what happened, you're on the right track Gabby."
"I'm gonna take your word for it." She replied with a small grin, the Chaplain chuckling softly.
"I know it's hard while you're in it to see how much progress you're making, but trust me, you're making progress." He assured her. "And you being able to work a shift at 51, all of these things are steps in the right direction." Gabby nodded with a small smile, letting his words of encouragement sink in. "Speaking of, how was it? Being back at 51?"
"It felt good to be back there, it felt like I was home. It was a little overwhelming at times, the pace and everything, but I loved being back there. I loved getting to work with Matt again." She spoke softly, a knowing smile falling onto the Chaplain's face.
"And things with Matt are still going well?"
A look flashed over her face for a split second, Gabby immediately trying to mask it. But the Chaplain caught it. "...Things are good."
"You don't seem so sure about that." He spoke with furrowed eyebrows. "What's going on?"
"No, it's nothing- we're fine. It's just… he's seemed a little distant the past few days." Gabby spoke, Chaplain hearing her slight confusion. "I don't know what it is, but he's been a little… hard to reach? Maybe. Something with him just seems off, but I don't know what."
"Have you asked about him about it?" Gabby shook her head side to side, the Chaplain nodding as he crossed his legs. "Well that might be a good place to start. Did something happen between you two?"
"No, nothing. We've been fine. I mean, him and my dad kind of had some issues over Christmas, but he was acting weird before then, so I'm not sure that's a part of it." Gabby replied, breathing out a strong sigh. "And I'm not even sure he realizes it. It doesn't happen all the time. It's mostly just when we'll be hanging around, not really talking or anything, he seems checked out."
"Is there anything you can think of that might be causing him to act like this?" Gabby's eyes fell closed as she wracked her brain, trying to find some sort of cause for his recent behavior, but she was coming up empty.
"No, not really. I mean we've gotten a lot better about talking to one another whenever something is bothering us, so I'm not sure what it could be about… that he hasn't come to me." Her voice was soft, both of them hearing how timid she sounded. "I know him and I had our communication issues in the past, but that really only came from us trying to spare the other. But we've gotten better at that, at opening up and leaning on each other. We've been able to work through a lot of the problems we had before I left, we've been communicating better. So, I'm sure he'll tell me when he's ready."
The Chaplain nodded, her words hanging in the air for a moment, him getting caught up on one sentence in particular. "Is there anything you haven't talked about?"
"What do you mean?" Gabby asked with furrowed eyebrows, surprised by the question.
"You said you've worked through some of the issues you two had, but is there something you haven't dealt with yet? Something that might be causing him to be distant?" The tension that gathered in Gabby's shoulders gave him the answer, the Chaplain sighing softly as he looked at her expectantly. "Gabby?" The woman across from him took a deep breath, avoiding his gaze as she clenched her hands together.
"We haven't- we never really talked about everything with trying to have a baby." Her voice was barely above a whisper, her eyes planted firmly on the ground as realization set in across his face.
"So the thing that caused you to leave in the first place." He replied gently, Gabby nodding slowly as a frown set in over her face. "Do you think that could be what this is about?"
"Maybe? I don't know why that would be it, neither of us have said anything about it."
"That might be the problem." He responded, Gabby releasing a shaky sigh. "You've been back, what, a month and a half?"
"A little longer than that, but yeah."
"And in all that time, neither one of you have ever tried to talk about what drove you apart in the first place. The thing that broke the both of you. That could be what this is about. This isn't something either of you can just forget, and he might not be able to avoid it anymore." He told her, the frown seemingly permanently etched into her skin. "That's a long time to be tiptoeing around such a big problem between the two of you, maybe Matt can't do it anymore."
"But he's said nothing about it, there's a million different things this could be causing him to act like this. Wouldn't he have brought it up by now, if that was what this is about?" The Chaplain ran a hand over his mouth, knowing he'd have to try another tactic.
"Why haven't you spoken to him about it? Is there a reason you haven't brought it up?" He asked her, completely avoiding her question.
"...Because I'm scared." She whispered after a moment of silence between the two. "Because this ruined us last time, and that can't happen again. I can't lose him again." Her words held a lot of emotion, Gabby having to take a steadying breath after she spoke.
"Don't you think that might be the reason he hasn't said anything, either?" He questioned her, Gabby taking in his words. "I know you're scared, I know this will be hard, but it's something you all need to deal with. You said you're scared to lose him, but if you continue to ignore this, eventually you might not have him at all." Her eyes widened at his words, Gabby feeling her heart rate begin to increase. "You'll both just be waiting for the other shoe to drop, when you've reached the last possible moment where you can't avoid it anymore. Isn't it better to deal with it now, instead of continuing to let it hang over you?"
He gave her time to let his words sink in, knowing she needed a minute to digest this. But when minutes had passed and she had yet to say a word, he spoke up again. "Look Gabby, I'm not even going to try and pretend I know what you and Matt are going through. That I can even begin to understand what that kind of news does to someone. But you and Matt need to face it. You have to help one another through this, you're the only people who can. You can't keep going on avoiding it, it'll only make things worse."
"But what if this isn't why he's acting distant?" Her soft, fearful voice hit his ears, the Chaplain's head tilting to the side as he waited for her to elaborate. "What if I bring this up, and it just causes another fight for nothing?"
"It's not for nothing, Gabby." He spoke quickly. "As much progress as you two have made, you haven't fully repaired what was broken. Not yet, not when you haven't dealt with this. This isn't something you two can just ignore for the rest of your lives, you have to work through it."
His words resonated in her head, Gabby knowing they were filled with truth. Her and Matt were a ticking time bomb if they continued to avoid this, but she didn't know if she could face it. She didn't know if they could.
"Fixing your relationship could never be for nothing." He continued, Gabby catching his gaze. "It's for the rest of your lives together, it's figuring out how to have the family you've both always wanted, together. That's not nothing. You wouldn't be sitting here right now if it were nothing."
Tears clouded her vision as a silence washed over the room, the Chaplain knowing he didn't need to say anymore on the topic. The rest was up to her and Matt now, there was nothing else he could do.
Matt kicked the snow from his boots as he stood outside the back door of their apartment, the cold winter air nipping at his skin as he made sure to get off all the water he could, not wanting to track it into their home. After completing his task, Matt slid his key into the door while juggling a few grocery bags, wanting to get out of this brutal weather as quickly as possible. From his position at the door, he could see the dimly lit apartment inside, Matt pushing the door open and being met with nothing but silence.
"Gabby?" He called out, closing and locking the door behind him. Matt moved into the kitchen, wanting to put the minimal groceries away before doing anything else. Glancing at the clock above the stove, he saw it read half past six. He was gone longer than he intended, much longer. While Gabby was away at the Chaplain's office, he'd received a helpless call from Severide, the man needing assistance putting together a new home entertainment center that Kelly claimed was 'a real son of a bitch'. When Matt had got there, it came as no surprise that the equipment was quite easy to put together, Kelly just lacked the patience. His early afternoon of helping Severide turned into a late afternoon of watching the Blackhawks game together, both men nursing a few beers as they sat around Severide's new TV.
Despite leaving a note for Gabby on the counter of his whereabouts, he'd sent her a message, letting her know what they were doing and why he was still gone. He'd gotten a simple reply, Gabby telling him to have fun and that she'd be at home waiting for him. After the game had finished, he left with every intention of heading straight back to the apartment, but halfway home he remembered they had next to nothing in terms of food, and decided to make a quick stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things.
"I stopped at the market on the way home, just to get some things to hold us over until we can do an actual shopping trip." He spoke, despite the fact he'd gotten no response from her. His eyebrows furrowed as he looked past the open fridge, Matt putting away the half gallon of milk before closing the door, going in search of her. "Gabby? You here?" He called again, moving from the kitchen. He assumed she was home, her car was parked outside in it's normal spot, and she hadn't told him she'd be going anywhere. "Babe?" He'd still gotten no response as he walked towards the bedroom, stopping short of the door when he saw Gabby sitting on the couch, staring blankly ahead.
"Hey, there you are." He spoke with a small smile, snapping her from her headspace as she looked towards him. The smile on his face fell when he noticed her teary eyes shining, his concern growing as he walked towards her. "What's wrong?" Matt questioned, taking quicker steps to the couch. When she had yet to respond, he opened his mouth to speak again, but stopped abruptly when he saw what was lying in front of her on the coffee table. His path slowed as he got to the edge of the couch, swallowing the lump in his throat as he glanced from the papers to her.
"Were you looking at these?" Her hoarse voice broke the thick silence that had settled around them, Gabby clearing her throat after the words left her mouth. Matt sat down on the couch next to her, keeping a good few feet of space between them, but he said nothing. "I saw them in the drawer, but they weren't there the last time I was in there." She spoke, Matt intaking a sharp breath.
"I, uh, I found them again during Christmas. I was looking for something and found them under a bunch of stuff in the drawer." He explained, his throat feeling dry as he stared at the papers from the adoption center that were sprawled out in front of them. "I had forgotten all about them, I forgot we still had them." She gave him a slight nod, gripping her hands together tightly in her lap.
"Have you been thinking about it?" She murmured, although she already knew his answer.
"It was kinda hard not to, after seeing those again." He responded, gesturing to the papers.
An unsettling silence filled the room, neither knowing what to say or where to go from here. It was the opening they'd both been looking for, but now that it was in front of them, they didn't know where to start. Both of them knew this wouldn't be easy, and there'd be no turning back once they started. But this couldn't be avoided anymore, and they knew it.
"We need to talk, Matt." She spoke first, finding her voice as he glanced up from the coffee table to meet her waiting gaze.
"Yeah, I know we do." He replied, shifting his body to face her. "Honestly, I've been wanting to talk about this for awhile but I didn't know how to bring it up. I didn't want to overwhelm you, or us, but we have to deal with this." He admitted softly, taking a second to gather his thoughts. "There's a lot of pain and hurt we never dealt with, we swept it under the rug because this wasn't something we could fix while you were gone. And then everything happened," He eluded, Gabby nodding with a look of sadness covering her face, "and I know I just pushed away all that pain, because I didn't think I'd have to face it again. And I think you did the same thing."
"Yeah, I did." She murmured, Matt taking a breath.
"Neither of us dealt with how this broke us, individually or together, or the fallout from it. We never got anywhere close to a resolution on how to have a family before everything, and it almost tore us apart. It did tear us apart." She merely nodded at him, Matt sighing softly as she remained quiet. Bringing his arm up to the back of the couch, he moved his hand to the side of her head, tapping gently against her temple. "What's going on in there?"
"Honestly, I-... When the doctor told us what was wrong, I felt like a failure." Her voice was barely above a whisper, tears clouding in her eyes as she spoke, Matt's heart breaking as he heard the pain in her voice. "I wasn't able to give you the one thing you've always wanted, what we always wanted. It destroyed me, knowing I can't- or shouldn't get pregnant." A lone tear escaped down her cheek, Matt wiping it away gently, tears forming in his eyes.
"Gabby, this isn't your fault." He tried, Gabby nodding slowly.
"I know. Logically, I know that, but I couldn't help it. The minute we got that news, it broke me. And I couldn't handle it." She admitted, her voice shaking. "So I wanted to ignore it. Act like we never found out, pretend nothing was wrong. But when you went to the adoption agency, it freaked me out. Because it was making it real, and I wasn't able to handle that. I was terrified of facing it."
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, to help you through it." Matt apologized softly, water gathering under his eyes. "I wasn't dealing with it either, but I immediately tried to jump into a solution instead of giving us time to really let the news sink in. I was terrified of losing you, and you being so adamant about carrying our child, it scared me. So I tried to find the quickest solution possible… We should've taken the time to deal with it, to really let it sink in what that news meant for us, maybe then it wouldn't have spiraled like it did." Gabby nodded, silently agreeing with his words.
"We both kind of shut down, at least from each other. Neither of us were in a good place, and we took it out on each other when we should've helped each other come to terms with it. I just… it felt like I was being punished." She spoke, Matt's eyebrows furrowing. "Like the aneurysm was a punishment."
"A punishment for what?" He questioned, placing his hand on her shoulder as a source of comfort.
"I don't know… for losing our first child, for getting us into that situation with Louie…" Matt couldn't stop the fresh tears from rolling down his cheeks as her words hit him like a truck, the pain in her voice slicing through him straight to his heart. "There's always been this nagging thought in the back of my mind that maybe we weren't meant to be parents, or you weren't meant to be a parent with me. It had been there since we lost the baby, and then after we lost Louie it wouldn't go away. And when we found out about the aneurysm… it just solidified what I'd been thinking for years and I couldn't handle it."
"I had no idea…" Matt breathed out, his voice barely above a whisper, knowing any louder and it would betray him. "I- Gabby, I know we've been through hell with trying to have kids, but none of that was your fault. You didn't choose to lose our baby, or Louie. You didn't choose to have this aneurysm. You have to believe that, this isn't your fault. You don't deserve to be punished for anything." Matt did his best to comfort and assure her, knowing she was dealing with years of this feeling haunting her. "I know we've been through a lot with this, that you've been through a lot, but Gabby I can promise you that I only want to have kids with you." Stray tears rushed down her cheeks as his words hit her ears, Matt giving her an understanding smile. "If I can't be a parent with you, I'm not gonna be a parent at all. I meant it when I said I wanted you. Above everything else, I just want you. That hasn't changed since I first told you that three years ago." He lifted his hand up to her cheek, wiping away the fresh tears on her face. "I do still want to have kids, but only if it's what you want."
"Of course I do." She responded immediately, a small, genuine smile breaking through the pain her face had been carrying. "I want a family with you, but I'm scared of how to do it. And I'm scared of what it might do to us again." She admitted sadly, Matt nodding softly, understanding her fears.
"I know, me too. But we have more options than just you carrying our child, or adopting. We can go see another doctor, get a second opinion and get more information on exactly what we're dealing with. Surrogacy is an option, too. There's more than just adoption or you getting pregnant, neither of us were thinking clearly and those suddenly seemed like our only options, but they're not." He assured her, Gabby nodding tearfully. "And I'm not saying we have to come to a decision right now over how to expand our family, but we have to be committed to figuring this out together." He breathed out. "We can't let this destroy us again. We can't have one of us calling the shots and the other blindly following, this is something we have to do together."
"I know." She whispered, quickly wiping away the tears that had gathered under her eyes. "We have to come to a decision we can both live with, if we don't this'll just tear us apart again."
"We can't let it." He supplemented, "I believe we can figure this out, and we'll have a child, but we can't shut down like last time. We can't run away." Matt's words caused her eyes to fall closed, but Matt placed his hand under her chin, forcing her to look at him. "Hey, I'm not talking about you deciding to go to Puerto Rico, you needed time to come to terms with everything. I'm talking about us mentally running away. I did it too, we both ran away from this because it was easier than working through it. But we can't do that again."
"I know. I don't want to ever go through that again." Matt nodded, dropping his hand from her chin as he leaned back into the couch, his eyes flashing to the papers sitting across from them.
Blowing out a sigh, Matt ran his hand over his mouth, knowing there were still things they needed to deal with, things that needed to be addressed. "I know there's still a lot of apologizing that needs to be done," He started, catching Gabby's gaze, "but I never should've gone to the adoption agency without you. That was something we should've agreed to do together, and instead I took it upon myself to surprise you with it and I never should've done that. Despite what you were saying, I knew you weren't okay and me doing that- I messed up."
"Matt…"
"And I never should've said those things to you, in my office about you not being able to have a child. That was cruel and I never should've said it." He saw her eyes brimming with fresh tears, Matt feeling a stabbing pain slicing through his chest. He would always regret the things he'd said to her. "I knew you were hurting, but I was so frustrated with everything… I took it out on you instead of trying to help you and that wasn't fair."
"I didn't exactly make it easy on you. I never should've just up and decided that we would still have a baby, without us actually sitting down and deciding together. I was trying to ignore it, and you fighting me on it made everything real, so I stopped listening. I didn't want to think about it, so I pretended everything was fine, but I never stopped to think what that was doing to you, and I'm sorry." Matt nodded, tears streaming down their cheeks as they laid everything out on the table. "And then our fight… I'm sorry I made it sound like I don't need you, because I do. I always have." She told him, reaching out for his hand which he gave willingly.
"That wasn't a good day, was it?" He mused softly, Gabby shaking her head.
"It was an awful day."
"There was a lot that we said, a lot that can never be taken back." He prefaced, Gabby agreeing with a sad smile, "but I hope you know that I love every single thing about you, and I wouldn't change a damn thing." He spoke with such conviction, a genuine smile breaking through the hurt and pain written across her face. "I did a terrible job of showing you that, especially the months before everything happened, but god, Gabby, I fell in love with you because of how driven you are and how independent you are. I love that about you, I'm sorry I made you believe otherwise. I was just scared… I felt you slipping away from me, and you were so blindly stuck in your decision that you'd get pregnant, I was terrified of losing you." He spoke sadly, Gabby squeezing his hand as he worked through his feelings. "And if I'm being honest, I was angry. Because it felt like what I thought didn't matter in all this, it felt like I didn't matter." His words went straight to her heart, a feeling of guilt settling in her stomach. "And I know now that you weren't coping, and had I paid more attention I would've seen it then, but at the time I didn't, or couldn't, understand why you were so set on getting pregnant. All I saw was you choosing to disregard me, and it hurt. Because this was something I couldn't let you just decide for us. This was something we had to figure out together, and we weren't. I was hurt, and scared, and I took it out on you instead of trying to talk to you about it and that was wrong. All I did was make things worse, and I'm so sorry."
"Truthfully, even if you had tried harder to talk to me, I don't know if I would've listened." She admitted, adjusting her position to sit closer to him. "I don't know if I would've been able to listen, without completely falling apart. I was so broken over this, if you tried to confront me about the actual problem, I doubt I would've been very receptive to it." Gabby explained, Matt wearing an understanding smile. "And I'm sorry too, for making you feel like you didn't matter in all this. I never wanted that, I just- I couldn't think straight and I wasn't able to see how much this was affecting you."
"I know. We both should've handled things differently, but there's no way to go back and change what happened. All we can do now is not make the same mistakes again. And I don't think we will." He murmured, tightening his grip on her hand.
"I never want to be back in that place again, I never want things between us to get that bad. I don't think I could handle it a second time." Her voice was soft as she broke their eye contact, Gabby leaning against him as her head rested against his neck, dropping his hand to rest her arm around his waist. She felt his arm wrap around her back, holding her to him tightly as their words hung in the air.
"Me neither." He agreed gently.
"We're gonna figure this out, right?" Her voice was so soft, he barely heard it. But she was unable to mask her worry. Moving his hand down to her side, he adjusted his head to be able to place a soft kiss to her forehead, placing his other hand over her forearm.
"We are. We're gonna find the best solution to this, and we're gonna have our family. I truly believe that." His words were met with silence, but he felt the smile on her face as she dug further into his embrace.
A comfortable quiet had filled the space around them, the two holding onto one another like their lives depended on it. And Matt couldn't help but feel content, thinking of how big of a shift this conversation had been from their fight. They had come so far, they had learned from their past mistakes, and they were both finally on the same page. Even though no discussions had happened about how exactly they would expand their family, he knew tonight wasn't the time. He meant what he said, they didn't need to figure everything out this exact moment. He just needed to know they were both committed to doing this together, and for the first time in a long time, he knew they were. Matt had no doubt in his mind they'd come out the other side of this together, with a child of their own. Just like they'd always wanted.
So, there it is. I know it was a long time coming, but hopefully it was worth the wait. Despite my nervousness for writing out them dealing with what happened, I'm actually quite proud of how it turned out. I hope you all think I did it justice.
I can't wait to hear what you all think of this chapter, I hope you all enjoyed it. Until next time x