Hello hello. Here's another long chapter for you guys. Fair warning, it's a rough one. Remember how I said there's a storm coming…
Side note, I can't believe we're at chapter thirty already. That's crazy to me, thank you all for the continued support!
Chapter Thirty
Gabby pulled up in front of the firehouse, the windshield wipers pushing snow from the glass and the heat blowing through the vents having been the only sound in the car during the twenty minute drive from Dr. Tanner's office. Matt hadn't said a word since they were told of the outcome from Tanner's previous patients, and Gabby knew better than to push him to talk right now.
He was silent as they checked out at the office and set her next appointment, he was silent during the walk to her car, and all he did was give Gabby a nod when she asked if he'd like a ride back to the firehouse. A million different thoughts and emotions were running through her head, their meeting with Dr. Tanner giving her little peace about the situation. And she knew Matt felt the same. If anything, the reality of this was even more damning than it had been before today. But hearing that heartbeat, the heartbeat of their child, it had put things into perspective for her. Though she was sure she couldn't say the same for Matt.
Clearing his throat, Matt spoke up for the first time in over half an hour. "Thanks for the ride." His voice was soft, Gabby looking over at him to see his eyes plastered out the passenger side window.
"Yeah, of course." She responded, wearing a light smile even though Matt couldn't see it.
"Well, uh- I gotta get back." He peeled his eyes from the window, turning to find her watching him. "You still working your shift tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I'm planning on it. I'm gonna talk to my Chief, but Jemma already knows about the pregnancy. And you heard Dr. Tanner, she said right now it was okay to keep working."
"So we're telling people?" He questioned, trying to mask the panic in his voice. They'd agreed to only start telling others their situation when they'd come to a decision, and as far as he knew, they were nowhere close to being on the same page.
"No, no we're not." She tried to ease his fears, Gabby hearing the change in his tone of voice immediately. "I'm only telling my Chief because he needs to know, for my safety. But we're not telling anyone until we've decided what we're doing." Gabby tried to assure him, but she was sure she hadn't done a good job of that.
Matt nodded slowly, flashing a small, forced smile before putting his hand on the door handle. "Okay... well I'll see you tomorrow night." He leaned forward, placing a quick, barely-there kiss on her cheek as he pushed the door open. "Love you." Matt said as a goodbye as he moved to get out.
"Wait- Matt." The combination of Gabby's voice and her hand reaching out for his covered arm stopped him, Matt turning to look at her with raised eyebrows.
"Yeah?"
"We need to talk."
Releasing a heavy sigh, his glance flashed back towards the firehouse. "I know we do, but I've gotta get back to work."
"Yeah, but you and I both know 81's out on a call right now." She told him firmly, removing her hand from his arm. It was true, they had both heard the call come through his radio as they were leaving the doctor's office, and the empty garage they saw when they pulled up confirmed the truck company was still out.
Closing his eyes momentarily, Matt put his foot back inside the car, closing the door to shield himself from the heavy snow. Adjusting his body in the seat, he turned to look at Gabby with expectant eyes. "What do you wanna talk about?"
Gabby's tongue ran over her bottom lip as she raised her eyebrows at him. "Well, I mean, about what just happened. Everything the doctor said…"
Forcing air out between his clenched teeth, he moved his head to stare straight out the windshield. "We can't really figure all this out in a few minutes, Gabby."
"I know, that's not what I meant. I just mean… how are you feeling about all this?" She asked softly.
Matt bit the inside of his cheek harshly, trying to keep his emotions in check as the hard exterior he'd placed around himself began to crack. He knew he was being difficult, but it wasn't because of Gabby. It was because he knew if he broke down now, he'd never be able to pull himself together enough to walk into that firehouse.
Seeing him clenching his jaw tightly, she reached up to softly grab his chin, turning him to face her hoping to stop him before he drew blood. "Matt…" She whispered softly, moving her thumb over his jaw.
"I'm- I'm scared, Gabby." Her frown deepened as she saw the tears shining in his eyes, his emotions betraying him as the fear he felt covered his face. "I kept telling myself that we just needed to make it to the appointment and everything would be solved, and I know that wasn't realistic but… now we have the information and I don't know what to do."
"I'm scared too, Matt." She admitted softly, his eyes finally meeting hers as he saw the same exact fear in her. "This is terrifying, but our baby-" She cut herself off when she saw Matt's immediate reaction, his eyes closing tightly, a slight grimace covering his face. "We saw our baby. Our healthy baby, and I didn't feel as scared anymore." Gabby voiced honestly, waiting until he opened his eyes before continuing, seeing a lone tear escape down his cheek. "And I know it was stupid, but I had the same hope you did. I was hoping maybe my first doctor was wrong, or that the aneurysm had magically disappeared, but that's not the case. It's still there and there's still a chance something could happen to me... I know we have an important decision to make, and there's a lot we have to talk about once I get off work tomorrow, but all that matters right now is that I know you're okay to go out and run into burning buildings." She spoke, Matt releasing a soft breath. "Because if you're not, I'll walk in there right now and tell Boden you need the rest of shift off." She spoke firmly.
"No, no I'm okay." He responded, Gabby moving her hand down from his jaw to rest on his chest. "I'm a little overwhelmed, but I'm fine to work."
"You sure?"
"I'm sure." He promised, a small smile appearing on her face, Gabby nodding in response. "Okay, well I'm gonna get in there." Matt said softly.
"Be safe, I'll see you tomorrow night and we can… we can try and figure out what we're gonna do."
Nodding slowly, Matt turned to face the front again, his hand landing on the door handle to get out, but he stopped, the nagging feeling in the back of his mind pausing his movements. His head turned back to her, his eyes running over her face as she looked at him quizzically.
"What's wrong?"
"I-... how are you okay with this?" He blurted out, his voice a bit rougher than he intended. Gabby's eyebrows furrowed, a small frown forming over her lips as his words hit her. "I'm sorry, but I just don't get it." Matt breathed out, his hand clenching at his side.
"Get what?" She questioned, holding her hands together in her lap.
"You could die, Gabby. This could kill you. And you seem fine with it." He knew it wasn't the time or place to get into this, not when he needed to get back to work and they didn't have time to fully discuss it, but he couldn't help it. It had been bothering him from the moment they had gotten the ultrasound, how she'd completely disregarded herself in this, and he couldn't walk into the firehouse without knowing why.
"I'm not fine with it." She replied almost defensively, Matt's eyes snapping to her. "There's no part of me that's okay with this situation, knowing there's a chance I might not get to live to see our child grow up. Knowing that I might leave you to raise this baby alone, I'm not fine with that at all. It's killing me." She told him, her voice strong despite the tears in her eyes threatening to fall.
"Then why is this even a discussion?" He bit back firmly, his frustration getting the best of him. "This child could kill you, why is this something that's up for debate?"
"Because it's our child, Matt!" Gabby replied immediately, emotion present in her voice. "Our child who didn't choose to be in this position, they didn't choose to risk my life. They have done nothing to deserve us terminating this pregnancy, it's not a black and white decision!" She fought back, Matt having to take a steadying breath trying to calm himself down. Gabby wasn't the person to be mad at in this situation, she didn't ask for this, and he knew it. But he found himself getting more upset the longer she tried to reason with him. "If we do this, we are choosing to kill our child. Our healthy, beautiful baby… we would be killing them. I don't know how you're so willing to do that without even talking about it first."
"Because we could lose them, anyway!" He nearly shouted, Gabby's eyes widening in surprise at the anger in his words. "Don't you understand that? There's a chance this could kill our baby, too!" His voice was getting louder as he continued to speak, unable to reign himself in as Gabby sat there stunned. "And I could lose you! Then what? Would this really have been worth it? Me, alone; no you, no baby. I'd lose everything, you would lose everything. How is that worth it?!" His words were bitter as they left his mouth, surprising even himself at the way he'd just spoken to her.
Gabby's eyes closed as she tried to hide the tears desperate to fall, her head turning forward to look away from him. Matt forced himself to take slow breaths, needing to calm his heaving chest before speaking again. The second he stopped talking, he knew he messed up, taking out his anger on the last person who deserved it. He knew she didn't ask for this, but he almost felt blindsided by how she was handling this situation. She seemingly had no care for herself or for him in this, and he couldn't understand it.
Glancing towards her, he saw her trying to keep her composure, her gaze focused straight ahead, not daring to look at him. "I'm… I'm sorry." He apologized after a few tense moments, the weight of his words sinking in.
"You need to get to work." She bit out, moving her hands up to the steering wheel.
"Gabby-"
"I'll see you tomorrow night." Her words were forced, Gabby still refusing to look at him as she clenched the steering wheel tightly, Matt able to feel the hurt and anger rolling off her body.
"Please look at me." He nearly pleaded, Gabby pursing her lips together before turning her head towards him, a blank stare covering her face. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up here and I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."
Her face remained unchanged as she nodded towards the firehouse. "You need to get to work, Matt." He opened his mouth to say something else but she cut him off. "It's fine, today was a lot. Our emotions are all over the place… we'll talk about it tomorrow." The tone in her voice left no room for Matt to try and respond, for him to try and apologize again. She didn't want to hear it, he could tell all she needed from him right now was space. And he couldn't blame her.
"Okay." He replied softly, releasing a heavy breath before maneuvering out of the car. Once on his feet, he turned to face the vehicle, his movements halting when he heard the familiar sound of a fire truck approaching. Looking down the street, he saw 81 and squad 3 driving slowly down the slick road, turning into the driveway of 51. Knowing he really was running out of time, he leaned down, finding Gabby's eyes already waiting for him. "I am sorry, Gabby." He promised, seeing her nod slowly. "If you need me, please call me. I love you."
"You too." She murmured, peeling her eyes from him as quickly as possible, putting the car in drive as she waited for him to leave. Sighing heavily, he whispered another goodbye before shutting the car door, Matt having no time to move before Gabby peeled away from the curb.
Taking a steadying breath, Matt began walking up the driveway, not surprised to see the members of truck and squad hanging back by their respective rigs, clearly waiting on him to come in.
"Hey Captain." Herrmann addressed him first, Matt giving the man a slight nod as he walked towards the truck. "Dawson didn't wanna stop by?"
Clearing his throat, Matt shook his head as he slid off his turnout coat. "She couldn't, had somewhere to be." He lied easily, opening up the passenger side door to the truck to place his radio inside, hoisting his body onto the first step for easier access.
"Ah, okay." Herrmann accepted his answer, knowing better than to push for explanations. The fact that Casey was even having a conversation with him was progress.
Matt quickly stepped out of his turnout pants, making sure his gear was in order before lifting his head up, finding a few stares on him from the firefighters around him. The ones that had been caught quickly averted their eyes, aside from Severide, who didn't care to hide the fact he'd been watching Casey. He was worried about his friend, he wasn't going to hide that.
Uncomfortable with the obvious glances from everyone, Matt had every intention of hurrying to his office, away from the prying eyes of his concerned coworkers. But he only made it a few steps before stopping himself, turning back around to face Herrmann. "Oh, and uh, Herrmann, thanks for covering for me. I know I was gone longer than I planned," That Matt was sure of, knowing the last time he looked at the clock it had been well over three hours since he'd left, and he had no idea how much time had passed since then. "But I appreciate you filling in." He spoke sincerely, the older firefighter nodding.
"Of course, Casey. Happy to help." He responded, Matt nodding with a grateful look on his face before continuing his original path towards the firehouse. Thankfully, he was able to make it to his office without running into anyone else, the few minutes he'd spent back here proving to be taxing. With his emotions already running high from the appointment, and the fight, if you could call it that, with Gabby afterwards, he was exhausted. As he got into the safe confines of his office, he shut the door behind him, stepping towards his desk as he leaned his body weight against it, his legs crossing at the ankles as he relaxed against the wood. He felt tired, beyond exhausted, and standing here he couldn't help but think maybe Gabby had a point questioning whether or not he should return to shift. Blowing out a frustrated sigh, he rested his head down in his palm, taking a few minutes to recuperate and mentally prepare himself for the rest of his shift.
His moment of quiet was interrupted shortly after it began by a knock on his office door, the person not waiting for approval before coming in. Lifting his head up from his hand, his spine straightened as he saw Boden standing there in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. "So, I see you're back."
"Chief, I'm sorry." He spoke with a sigh. "I know I said I'd keep you updated and tell you when I got back, but everything just got so…" Matt trailed off, feeling the beginnings of a pounding headache coursing through his skull. "I meant to let you know, I'm sorry."
"It's fine, Casey." He responded once the man was done, Matt looking at him curiously, unsure as to why he wasn't getting chewed out right now. Had anyone under his command gone as radio silent as he had during his duck out from shift, they'd be getting an earful right about now. But Chief looked nowhere near angry at him; his eyes held nothing but concern. "Look, we've all been beating around the bush with you here the last few weeks, no one has wanted to come to you because clearly something's bothering you. Something's been going on with you and Dawson." The Chief spoke bluntly, Matt remaining silent. "And I don't know what's happening, or what's going on with Gabby, but you have to know you two aren't alone here." Matt swallowed thickly at the Chief's statement, his eyes finding the ground. "You have a family at this firehouse who loves the both of you, and would willingly help you with whatever you need. Just… please don't forget that."
Matt brought his hand up to run over his mouth, drawing in as deep of a breath as his heavy chest would allow. "I know…" He responded quietly, his soft words barely audible. "It's just… Gabby and I- we've got things we need to figure out before we can do anything else. But thank you, Chief."
With a slight nod, Boden sighed softly, slowly backing out of the room. "Whenever you're ready, we're here for you." Chief spoke surely, facing away from Casey and making his way towards the exit without another word, leaving the broken man alone in his office.
Gabby gnawed on her bottom lip as she walked up the steps into the district, her palms sweaty as she pulled open the door. She wasn't entirely sure what brought her here, she had no plans of visiting her brother today. But after everything this morning, and the fight her and Matt had, she felt compelled to go see him. She was frustrated and upset, and needed her big brother to help her make sense of it all.
Stepping inside the always busy building, her eyes fell on the front desk finding Platt in her normal spot, typing away on her computer. Taking long strides towards the woman, Gabby flashed her a smile when Trudy became aware of her presence.
"Well, would you look who's here, my favorite Dawson." Platt spoke, a chuckle escaping Gabby's lips. "What brings you by our neck of the woods?"
"I'm here to see my brother, he up there?" She questioned, eyeing the locked door.
"Sure is, he has been all morning. Maybe after your visit see if you can get him to actually work some, that's what the fine people of Chicago pay him for." Platt spoke with a smug grin, pressing the button behind her desk to unlock the door to Intelligence.
"I'll see what I can do. Thanks, Trudy."
"Of course. Happy to see you, Dawson." She responded, Gabby flashing her a smile before heading for the stairs and beginning her climb towards her brother, making sure to shut the door firmly against it's frame once she entered.
Taking the rest of the steps quickly, Gabby soon got to the top, her brother coming into view, his focused stare zeroed in on the computer in front of him. With her eyes quickly bouncing around the room, she saw most of Intelligence working diligently at their desks, with the exception of their boss who was nowhere to be found.
Clearing her throat, she got the attention of the room as she walked towards Antonio's desk, the man tilting his head to the side in slight confusion at his sister's presence.
"Hey Gabs," He greeted, pushing away from his desk as she came to stand by him. "What brings you by?" Just from first glance, he could tell something was off with his baby sister. He didn't know exactly what was wrong, but based on the look on her face something had made her upset. He racked his brain trying to think of anything that could be causing her pain, but he was coming up empty. Regretfully, he hadn't seen her much over the past couple weeks. He was away on an undercover assignment during her accident in the elevator, which she swore to him up and down that she was fine, and by the time he came back she assured him he didn't need to come check up on her, days having passed since the accident occurred. And whenever he did try and see her, their schedules never lined up and he could never catch her. A part of him thought she was ignoring him purposefully, which at the time he thought to be just his imagination, but now he wasn't so sure.
"Just, uh…" Her demeanor shifted into one of nervousness, Antonio watching curiously as her eyes moved around the room. "Can we talk?"
"Yeah, sure. Don't tell me you and Casey got into it?" He joked, trying to lighten the mood. But the look that flashed in her eyes told him he'd hit at least part of the problem, the smug grin on his face falling as he realized his joke was probably not so far from the truth. "Let's go in the break room." He offered, Gabby nodding as her arms crossed over her chest, letting Antonio lead the way. She gave small smiles to the members of the unit she passed, but couldn't muster up much more than that, Antonio letting her walk into the confined room first before following in after her, shutting the door behind him. "Alright, what did he do?" Antonio asked, crossing his arms tightly across his chest as Gabby stood opposite of him.
"I wish it were that simple, Antonio." She breathed out, worry filling him as he heard the defeated tone in her voice.
"What's going on?" He asked softly, Gabby shifting on the balls of her feet.
"Can we sit?" She asked, anxiety rising within him at her request. Nodding slowly, Antonio moved to the table, taking a seat next to her, his eyes locked on her face as she fiddled with her hands.
The brother and sister sat there for a few moments, Antonio knowing better than to try and pry information from her. She'd talk when she could, there was no point in forcing it out of her before she was ready; something he'd learned many years ago. But her actions were making him nervous. Having the chance to get a closer look at her, he could tell she'd been crying, and she hadn't been getting much sleep recently. Her entire body reeked of exhaustion, and he felt his stomach sink at the thought of something causing his baby sister so much distress.
"I'm pregnant." The words slipped from her lips so softly he barely heard them, and once he did it took a few seconds for them to register, that being the last thing he expected her to say.
His mouth parted in surprise, his eyes widening as Gabby locked in on his gaze. "That's- wow, congratulations Gabs." He spoke excitedly, his initial reaction of shock and elation diminishing when he saw her not anywhere near his level of enthusiasm. "That's great news, isn't it? I mean, you and Matt have always wanted kids." Antonio spoke lightly, hoping to gain insight as to where her head was at.
"Yeah, we have… it would've been great news. It should've been, but it's not."
"What does that mean?" He asked her, his confusion only growing. "What aren't you telling me?"
Sucking in a deep breath, Gabby reached out for his hand before speaking. "Having this baby could kill me, Antonio."
His body went numb momentarily, as every function he had seemingly stopped working as her words sunk in, his confusion mounting into fear as a thousand emotions played out on his face. Before he could even find his voice, Gabby continued to explain.
"I have an aneurysm, in an artery in my abdomen. It happened from my first pregnancy, after the miscarriage." Gabby spoke softly, seeing the hurt and worry shining in her brother's eyes. "This pregnancy will put a lot of stress on my system, and it could cause the aneurysm to rupture. If that happens it could kill me... and maybe the baby." She explained, trying to stay as level-headed as she could.
"When did you find out?" He questioned softly, trying to wrap his mind around everything.
"About the pregnancy or the aneurysm?" She questioned back, Antonio raising his eyebrows in response, telling her he wanted the answer to both. "The pregnancy, I found out the day of the elevator accident. When I was at med, Dr. Rhodes did some blood work to make sure everything was okay and he found out I was pregnant. The aneurysm… Matt and I found out back in May." She answered with a slight grimace, Antonio's eyes widening.
"You've known all this time? Why did you never tell me?"
"I don't know… Matt and I were trying to have a baby, and, me being me, I got impatient so we went to my doctor and that's when we found out. After that, everything between Matt and I fell apart so quickly and everything became this huge mess… we hadn't told anyone we were even trying to get pregnant and eventually we had more problems that just that. Everything was becoming too much, and I was in denial about it, so I just never said anything." She explained, Antonio squeezing her hand comfortingly, sadness displayed over his face. "And once I left for good, I didn't think it mattered anymore… at least it wouldn't for a very long time. I didn't want to think about it, so I chose to forget about it."
"But you can't forget about it now." He spoke sadly, Gabby shaking her head side to side.
"No… I can't."
"What are you and Matt gonna do?"
"I don't know. I honestly- I have no clue. We're not on the same page about this at all." Gabby replied, a deep frown settling in over her face. "I had a doctor's appointment today, to get all the information of what we were up against and what our options were, and after everything she told us, Matt and I are in completely different places now with what we want to do." She vented. "I have no idea what the best decision is, but Matt… he won't even consider anything other than an abortion." Gabby spoke, the word stabbing her like a knife as it left her mouth. "He can't get past the chance of something happening to me."
"But you don't know what you want?"
"I don't… at least I didn't." She replied, Antonio giving her a curious stare. "We heard the heartbeat." She spoke with watery eyes, his gaze softening. "We saw our baby, and we heard their little heartbeat and I just… I can't hurt them, Antonio. Matt and I, we created this perfect little life, and I can't do anything to jeopardize that. But Matt, I know he's conflicted about this, but it's like he doesn't even understand how I could be considering keeping our child."
"He's scared to lose you, Gabby." Antonio replied softly. "I mean, I wasn't there, and I don't know what all's been said, but I know Matt. I know if there's even a chance of something happening to you, he's not willing to take that risk."
"... So you think we should terminate the pregnancy?"
"That's not what I'm saying." Antonio clarified, squeezing her hand. "This decision is completely up to you, and Matt. I'll be by your side and support you no matter what you choose. All I'm saying is I can understand why he's freaked out."
Nodding slowly, more tears sprung to her eyes as she fought them off. "It's just… I feel so lost, Antonio. This is something that should've been the best thing to ever happen to us, but instead it could tear us apart. Again." She spoke painfully, Antonio's heart breaking for his sister.
"So the big fight you and Matt had before you left, that you refused to really give me details about, that's what it was about?"
"It's what started it, yeah." She replied, wiping under her eyes.
Blowing out a sigh, Antonio leaned back in his seat. "And Matt is completely against this? It's not just that he'd rather you have an abortion, it's that he's completely set on it?" He asked for clarification, Gabby shrugging softly.
"As far as I can tell, yes. We haven't had a chance to really sit down and talk it out. We had kind of a… fight, I guess, about it today after the appointment, but with everything he's saying, he basically said he doesn't understand how I could want this kid and that he didn't understand why it was even a discussion." She confided to her brother, her voice wobbly.
"Gabs," Antonio started, taking a deep breath. "I'm not Matt, I don't know what he's thinking, but if I were to guess I'd say he's having a hard time because as much as he wants this baby, he won't let it be the thing that takes you from him." He started, Gabby watching him closely. "I mean, this is the guy that has always wanted kids. He's always wanted a family with you. I think he's just scared of losing you. And maybe I'm wrong here but I'd say there's a huge part of him that wants this baby. A part of him that loves this baby just as much as you do, but he'd rather have you than this kid."
With tears welling in her eyes, Gabby dropped her hold on his hand and brought hers up to cradle her head, her body hunched over the table. "I don't know what to do, Tonio." She helplessly whispered, feeling Antonio begin to run his hand up and down over her back.
"You gotta talk to him, and go from there." He instructed, seeing her nod slightly against her hands. "And you know whatever happens, I'm right here. I'm here for you sis, always." He assured her, leaning down and pulling her body against his, holding her tightly as he felt her begin to tremble in his grasp, her pent up emotions boiling over as she stayed in the safety of her brother's embrace.
Gabby stretched out the kinks in her neck as she stood at her locker, hoping to expel some of the exhaustion that seemed ever-present in her body lately. It had been a long day yesterday and an even longer night, her and Matt's large bed feeling all the larger as she laid there alone, her difficult day manifesting into a night of restless sleep.
She hadn't heard from Matt since their argument yesterday, and while part of her was glad for the space, the bigger part of her couldn't help but be consumed with worry. She'd been long gone before his shift finished this morning, Matt only having gotten off work a few minutes ago as she stood here in the locker room, and neither of them had made any attempt to reach out to the other. It had crossed her mind multiple times, and while she couldn't be certain she assumed the same could be said for Matt, but she always ended up stopping herself. They were both emotional and their every feeling was dialed to ten, so she figured it best to just let them both cool off, and they'd talk when she got home. But that's what was worrying her the most, that she had no idea what would be waiting for her after shift.
She knew they were in a vulnerable place, that this was something that couldn't be decided quickly and then everything would just be fine. But if their future discussions were to be anything like what happened in the car yesterday, they would get nowhere fast. She just hoped Matt understood that, too. She knew it was coming from a good place, that he was only so harsh because he's scared, but he was so quick to jump on her yesterday, she found herself still a little irritated at that. She understood his fear, hell she had the same fears he did, and if the roles were reversed and Matt was in a situation that could take him from her, she has no idea what kind of reaction she'd be having. But he had to be willing to talk about it. They'd never figure this out if they both couldn't look at all the options, and his inability to look past what he wanted was frustrating.
"Hey Dawson." Jemma's friendly voice greeted as the younger woman walked into the locker room.
"Hey Norris." Gabby replied back, giving her a small, friendly smile as her partner maneuvered to her own locker.
"How are you doing today?" She questioned, Gabby turning to face her as she shut her locker.
"I'm okay." She responded vaguely, waiting until Jemma glanced her way before continuing. "I actually need to talk to you and Chief, if you've got a minute?"
"Yeah, of course." Jemma replied instantly, shutting her locker before she was even finished with her routine. "Is everything alright?" The concern was clear in her voice as she stepped towards Gabby, her eyes shining with worry.
"Yeah, yeah." Gabby waved off her concerns, beginning to walk out of the locker room, Jemma hot on her trail. "I'm just telling him about the pregnancy, and what I can and can't do. I had my uh, doctor's appointment yesterday so I just wanted to let him know."
Jemma simply nodded, not knowing how she was supposed to react. Since finding out about Gabby's apparent unwelcome pregnancy, Jemma made sure to steer clear of the topic. It was obvious Dawson didn't want to discuss it, and that despite her and Matt both wanting to expand their family, something about having this baby was troublesome. She couldn't even begin to understand what the problem was, but she wouldn't pry. She'd only take what information Gabby offered, and try and support her friend as much as she could.
"Alright, sounds good." Norris responded lightly, the two women falling into a comfortable silence as they walked across the building towards the Chief's office, saying simple greetings to any of their coworkers they passed along the way.
They soon got to their boss' door, Gabby tapping lightly on the glass, waiting to get the signal it was alright to enter.
"Come in." His gravelly voice could be heard through the door, Gabby pushing it open and sticking her head in.
"Chief Walters? Can I speak with you a second?"
Her words captured his attention, the man putting his pen down and clasping his hands together in front of him as he nodded, Gabby stepping inside with Jemma following close behind her, the younger woman shutting the door to give them some privacy.
"Is everything alright?" He questioned carefully, seeing the hesitation crossing his newest paramedic's face. Though he hadn't known her very long, he'd noticed the slight change in her over the past few weeks, but he'd been on the job long enough to know to leave it alone unless it began affecting her work. Which, to his knowledge, it hadn't.
"Uh, yeah." She cleared her throat, fiddling with her hands as she continued. "I recently found out that I'm pregnant." His eyes widened at the news, a small, genuine smile gracing his face.
"That's great news, congratulations Dawson." He spoke excitedly, a small smile falling onto her face as well.
"Thank you, Chief." She replied simply, knowing she was not going to go into any details right now. "But I, uh, had my first doctor's appointment yesterday and for right now, I am still cleared to work. My doctor just wants me to lay off the more physically demanding aspects of the job, if that's alright." She began, Chief Walters nodding. "And I know it's not really something we deal with here, but she gave specific instructions to stay away from any dangerous environments, like burning buildings and stuff like that."
"Of course. That all sounds fine, Dawson. As long as Norris doesn't mind pulling some extra weight." Chief Walters spoke, both his glance and Gabby's turning to the young woman.
"Not at all, sir." She spoke surely, a grin resting on her face.
"Very well. Thank you for telling me, Dawson."
Gabby nodded, taking that as her cue that her and Jemma were free to leave. "Oh, and uh, I'm not really announcing my pregnancy yet." She spoke softly, her gaze flickering out of the office windows.
"Understood." Walters replied, Gabby giving him a grateful smile.
"Thank you, sir."
The three exchanged nods as Gabby and Jemma headed for the exit, the deep voice of their boss stopping them as Gabby stood in the doorway.
"Congratulations again, Dawson. Having children, it's the greatest gift." He spoke sincerely, warmth flooding through her at his words, her hand subconsciously moving over her stomach. "I'm very happy for you. Make sure to stay safe out there."
"Of course, Chief. I will. Thank you." She spoke softly, feeling Jemma wrap an arm around her shoulders.
"I got her, Chief." She said with a wide smile, Walters releasing a chuckle as he turned his attention back towards the paperwork on his desk.
"Yeah, I don't doubt that." He replied with a laugh, both women smiling as Jemma led them from the office. They only got a few feet when Jemma stopped them, Gabby turning to look at her quizzically as Norris dropped her arm from her shoulders.
"You're gonna be an amazing mom, Dawson." Her voice was firm, Gabby biting the side of her cheek as her eyes flickered away from her friend. "I don't know what's going on, but what I do know is this little baby is gonna be so loved. Especially by me." She added on the end, keeping her voice light hoping to ease some of Gabby's fears. When a small laugh and smile came from her friend, Jemma's smile widened, moving her hand to rest on Gabby's back.
"Thanks Jemma." Gabby nearly whispered, wiping away some of the tears that had formed in her eyes.
"Of course. I'm here for you, whatever you and Casey need. And whatever little baby Casey needs." She reminded her, Gabby nodding slowly, even though she wasn't sure if there would even be a baby Casey. Dawson quickly pushed the thought from her mind as the bells rang out, signaling them and one other ambo to help with a car accident on the freeway. "Alright, time to get to work." Norris sighed, rubbing over Gabby's back before dropping her hand, the two hurrying from the warmth of the house out into the garage, the chill in the air hitting them as soon as they got through the double doors. "But remember Dawson, I'm in charge now." Jemma spoke with a gleam in her eye, Gabby scoffing lightly as the women climbed into the rig.
"Whatever you say." She joked back, relaxing into her seat as Jemma pulled out of the garage. Only seconds had passed since they turned onto the road when her phone began ringing in her pocket, Gabby pulling it out quickly to see who was calling her. Seeing the all too familiar name and photo pop up on her screen, Gabby blew out a heavy sigh, silencing the ringing and shoving the object back into her pocket.
When she looked back up, she felt Jemma's confused glance on her every few seconds, turning to see her partner wearing a pensive look. "You have time to talk to him, we still have a few minutes until we get there."
Shaking her head, Gabby forced a smile before responding. "No, no it's okay. I'll call him back later." She responded, turning to look out the window, effectively ending all conversation about why she just ignored a phone call from Matt.
Less than thirty seconds later, the sound of her phone dinging filled the rig, Gabby pulling it back out of her pocket and seeing the notification of a missed call and voicemail. Drawing in a steady breath, she opened her phone and clicked on the voicemail, putting the device up to her ear to listen.
"Hey Gabby, uh, I was hoping to reach you before you got busy but I guess I didn't. I just got home from shift… I know that we have a lot to talk about and discuss, but I just want you to know that I want to figure this out, baby. I know I messed up, taking this out on you earlier. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that I'm just- I'm going crazy. But this isn't your fault and I'm sorry for how I spoke to you, you didn't deserve that. This is happening to you, of course it's affecting you. I just- I'm sorry. We'll talk more tonight, but I love you. Please be safe out there. Bye."
Her eyes fell closed as he finished his message, Gabby hearing the remorse laced in his words. Despite how they left things, she found herself comforted by the sound of his voice, especially after not speaking to him in almost a day. She wasn't sure how their conversation tonight would go, but hearing how he sounded just now, it gave her hope that they would manage to find a way through this together.
Gabby stepped into the dimly lit apartment a little after eight, beginning to shed her coat from her body as she simultaneously locked their back door. During her first once over, she saw the lights in the kitchen and living room on, as well as in the bedroom, but she couldn't see Matt anywhere. She heard the soft rumbling of their TV coming from the living room, Gabby guessing he was sitting just on the other side of that wall.
Discarding her boots and coat to their rightful place, she put her keys on the counter next to his before walking further into their home, Matt coming into view as she walked past their kitchen table, seeing him sitting on the couch nursing a beer, his eyes glued to the TV screen.
"Hey." She called softly, snapping him from his headspace as he looked towards her.
"Hey, sorry I didn't hear you come in." He replied, reaching to turn down the volume.
"It's fine. Have you eaten?" She asked softly, her arms crossed over her chest.
With a slight shake of his head, he responded. "No, not yet. Your shift go okay?"
"It was good." She replied, an uncomfortable feeling settling in the air. "I'm gonna go take a shower and then we can talk?" She phrased it as a question, letting him take the lead on whether they actually hash this out tonight or not. Even though they both needed answers, and for as sure as she'd been that they needed to figure this out sooner rather than later, now that the time had come, she found herself not minding if they put it off for another night. The last thing she wanted was to fight with him, especially when she wasn't sure how many beers he'd enjoyed tonight.
"Okay, yeah, sounds good, I'll be here when you're done." He told her, nodding towards the hockey game he was watching.
"Okay." Without another word, Gabby turned back to walk towards the kitchen, Matt seeing her disappear then reappear within seconds before she went through the bedroom door.
Taking her time, Gabby began to go through her routine, stripping from her uniform and putting it in the hamper, moving through the bedroom towards the dresser to grab what she planned on sleeping in that night. Choosing a pair of sweatpants and one of Matt's shirts, she placed the items on the bed before heading for the bathroom.
By the time she washed herself and her hair, and then doing another round of soap to kill some time, over half an hour had passed and she knew she'd wasted as long as she could. It was time for her and Matt to confront this head on and try and figure it out. Gaining the courage she needed, she turned the water off, stepping out of the shower and wrapping the towel around herself, continuing through her mental list of things to do before bed.
Out in the living room, Matt sat nervously as he waited for Gabby to reappear. Since she'd gotten home, he hadn't been able to focus on much except for listening to her move around their room, waiting for the moment she'd reappear again. Aside from getting up to grab a snack, he hadn't moved from his spot, knowing he had a perfect view of the doorway to the bedroom.
When nearly twenty minutes had passed since he heard the shower turn off and she still hadn't appeared, Matt took a deep breath before pushing himself off the couch, placing his barely touched beer on the coffee table before walking towards the bedroom. He turned the corner, halting in his tracks at the sight in front of him. Gabby was standing in front of the mirror, holding her shirt, or his shirt up just under her breasts, the waistband of her sweatpants pulled down below her stomach, her wet hair pulled up into a bun, water dripping down onto the material covering her body as her hand pressing firmly against her abdomen. Her gaze was locked in the mirror, Matt able to see part of the fascinated smile resting on her face.
Forcing himself to keep moving, his presence caught her attention, Gabby's head turning to look at him as he met her watery eyes, the bright smile on her face widening. "I can feel it." The words left her mouth in a whisper as she turned her body towards him completely, her hand still placed firmly on her stomach. "The first time we were pregnant, I never-" She cleared her throat, regaining control of her emotions before speaking. "I could never feel anything different but I feel it." She spoke in amazement, Matt's eyes following her gaze as she looked down to her stomach. He couldn't notice any difference from here, her body still looking the same as it had before they knew. If there was any change at all, maybe her breasts had gotten a little larger, but not enough for it to be a complete change. She still looked like Gabby, but whatever she was feeling was definitely something out of the ordinary.
"Come here." She prompted, her eyes shining with happiness as she removed her hand from her skin and reached out for him. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he cautiously moved towards her, stopping with some space in between them, Gabby grabbing his hand. "Feel." She spoke, placing his large palm over her lower stomach, putting her smaller hand on top of his and putting pressure on it.
He felt it. At first he felt nothing, not until she pressed his hand down but then he understood what she was talking about. He could feel the slight firmness under his touch, there was resistance as Gabby pressed his hand into her skin. It was different than anything he'd experienced before. There was definitely a child growing inside of her, and that was something they didn't get to experience the first time. The changes Gabby's body would go through, they never got to see that. This small, round firmness under her skin, that hadn't happened with their first child. But this time, it was even more proof that this was happening. Their baby was alive and healthy, Gabby's body telling him what he couldn't force himself to believe.
"That's our baby." She whispered, her eyes watery as she placed her other hand on top of his. Gabby saw the look of amazement flash in his eyes, tears clouding his vision as he stared, mesmerized by what he was feeling. But it was all over just as quickly as it started, Matt yanking his hand back roughly, like he'd been burned. "Matt?" Her voice was laced in confusion and concern, pulling the shirt back down over her stomach, adjusting her clothes as he turned away from her. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?!" His voice boomed throughout the room as he hastily turned back towards her. "This can't be happening, Gabby. We can't be having this child!" He saw a tear slide down her cheek at his words, her arms wrapping around herself protectively. "That baby, it can't- it can't be real to me."
"Of course they're real, Matt." She whispered, his broken gaze landing on her. "You felt them, you saw them yesterday, you heard their heartbeat. Our baby is just as real as you and I are right now." She tried to reason, Matt shaking his head. She took a step towards him, reaching out for his hand and holding it tightly within hers. "This child is what we've always wanted, it's what you've always wanted. I know we don't know what we're gonna do, but they're real Matt. They're right here." She responded, her voice wavering as she placed her free hand over her stomach.
"But it's not something I want when it could cost me you." He replied bluntly as tears shone in his eyes, Gabby dropping his hand in shock. Hearing him say those words out loud felt like a punch to the gut.
"You can't actually mean that." She spoke harshly, regaining distance between them.
"Gabby…"
"I want you to look me in the eye right now and tell me you don't want our baby." Her voice was rough, her glare focusing in on him as he looked down, avoiding eye contact with her. He couldn't make himself say those words, and she knew it. "That's what I thought." She murmured, but her voice wasn't accusatory. It was filled with sadness, and a little bit of hurt. "I know a part of you wants this baby, Matt. And I know you're scared, but-"
"This could kill you, Gabby." he interjected, knowing where this was leading.
"And if we do this, we'd be killing our baby." She shot back, Matt's eyes falling closed as the words left her mouth. Taking a steadying breath, she continued. "Matt, I'm terrified. And I know you are too. I'm so scared of what could happen to me, but this is our baby. We saw our baby, our baby that's growing and thriving. I know this isn't an easy decision, but you're all ready to just have me go and get an abortion, like our child means nothing. How are you able to do that so willingly?" Her voice was breaking as she spoke softly, Matt's hand coming up to rub over his mouth.
"The last thing I ever thought we'd be discussing when finding out you're pregnant would be if you should get an abortion or not, but that's where we are." He replied hastily. "You could die, that's the end of it. This isn't easy for me, but no matter how hard it would be to lose our child, it's better than the alternative. I told you I just want you, that hasn't changed. No matter what, I choose you. I'd rather lose this baby than lose you." He spoke firmly, forcing himself to take steady breaths.
"But it's not that easy, Matt. I don't know if I could live with myself if we terminate this pregnancy. Seeing that ultrasound, it put everything into perspective. That's our baby, our child that deserves the chance to live. And I know there's a chance something could happen to them, but you heard Dr. Tanner, that chance is so small. As far as our child is concerned, there's no reason we can't have a healthy baby."
Drawing in a slow breath, Matt took a minute to calm himself down, his chest heaving as he focused his gaze on the floor below them. Neither of them said anything for a few moments, their words hanging in the air as they stood a few feet apart.
"Matt…" Gabby prompted, needing to know where his head was at.
"I'm just- I don't understand it, Gabby. I don't understand how this baby's life is more important than yours."
"Because it's our baby." She tried to make him understand, Matt huffing out a breath. "I know you don't want to get rid of this baby, Matt. I know you don't-"
"Of course I don't!" He nearly shouted, "I'd give anything for you to be able to carry this child without the chance of it killing you, but you can't. God, I wish I could be as excited as you are but I can't. I can't do it, Gabby, because I know what's at stake. I know how dangerous this is, and even though you know you don't care. And if you're not gonna care about your own life, then I will." His voice got lower with each word, fresh tears filling his eyes as his emotions took hold of him. "I can't do this without you, Gabby. I can't."
"And there's a good chance you won't have to." She replied, tears falling freely down her face. "You heard her, my aneurysm is small. That even if it does rupture, she'll immediately begin to work on fixing it. Even if something does happen, it doesn't mean it'll be fatal."
"But she also said it wasn't a guarantee…" Matt interjected, Gabby breathing deeply.
"I know she did. I know it's still dangerous. But she's dealt with this before, and we know about the aneurysm beforehand. Everything is in our favor here, Matt. There's a great chance that nothing will go wrong."
He went silent for a moment, the fear covering his face morphing into a cold, distant look, his eyes darkening.
"Well, it sounds like you've already made up your mind."
"Matt, don't do that."
"No, you've made your decision. You're keeping this baby whether I'm okay with it or not."
"I haven't decided anything." She fought back, frustration coursing through her. "You said you wanted to figure this out, that we could have an actual conversation about this. But that's not what you want. I'm trying to get you to be open to the idea of us having this baby, but you don't wanna hear it. You just want to make the choice for us and have me go along with it. If anyone's already made up their mind here, it's you." She bit back, his eyes narrowing.
"That's not fair-"
"And yesterday when you said how our child wasn't worth it," she continued, ignoring his words. "I don't understand how you could say that after we saw our baby. After we heard their heartbeat, how could bringing our child into this world not be worth it? We've both always wanted this, Matt. You could at least try being open to the idea of us going forward with this pregnancy."
"As much as I want a kid, Gabby, I'd rather have you. I don't know how you don't get that." He spoke forcefully, their heated stares zeroed in on each other. "Look, I don't want to fight with you. I really don't. But how you can be so okay with this? You don't care about anything other than this baby!"
"And I don't understand how you don't care about this baby!" She fired back, their anger taking control, all rational thought going out the window.
"God dammit, Gabby, you don't get it! Of course I care about this baby, this is killing me! The thought of terminating this pregnancy is tearing me up inside, but I'm willing to go through that knowing it would keep you safe!" He shouted, his chest heaving. "How are you so okay with keeping this baby, knowing what could happen? I don't understand how you can be so selfish, you can never see past what you want and-" Her eyes widening in shock cut him off, his words registering in his head after they left his lips.
"Is that honestly what you think?" Her voice was low, her tone unforgiving. "You think I'm doing this to be selfish?"
"Gabby-" He tried to take a step towards her but she shook her head, taking a step back to replace the distance he took away.
"No, don't go back on it now. If that's what you think, fine. But let's make one thing clear. The last person I'm considering in all this is me. I know what this could do to me, but I'm willing to risk it for this baby. I'm willing to risk my life for the safety of our child, and to give you our child. I'm willing to do this so our baby has a chance to live. I know this could kill me, but it doesn't matter. Not if that means our child can survive."
"It doesn't matter?" He asked incredulously, her arms wrapping across her chest. "Your life doesn't matter? Are you kidding me?" He was in disbelief, unable to accept what he was hearing.
"That's not what I meant," She blew out in frustration, "all I'm saying is that a small risk to me isn't worth more than our child's life."
A thick silence filled the room, their tense gazes focused on each other as they stood a few feet apart, neither one wanting to give in first. But after a few minutes, he caved.
"Fine." Matt spoke bitterly, Gabby's narrowed gaze morphing into a look of confusion.
"What?"
"You're set on keeping this baby, fine. Clearly nothing I say is going to change your mind."
"Matt-"
"You know, you said you're open to discussing this and coming to a decision together, but you're not. You said that I was the one who wouldn't listen, but you're just as set in your decision as I am. You've made up your mind, you've had your mind made up since the ultrasound. You don't care if this kills you, you don't care what losing you would do to me."
"That's not true." She fought back, tears brimming in her eyes, her anger turning into hurt as she listened to his harsh words.
"Yes it is. You've made the decision for us. You were dead-set on getting pregnant back when we first started trying, and now you got what you wanted." Her breath caught in her throat as he spoke. "So fine, we'll do what you want. I'm done fighting with you."
"Matt…"
"Something's gotta give, right?" He questioned softly, tears shining in his eyes as he turned around and headed for the bedroom door.
"Wait, where are you going?"
"I need time to think about this." He told her, moving into the living room as she followed him, watching him gather his wallet and phone from the table.
"You can't just run away." She spoke firmly, willing the tears away as she followed close behind him while he moved from the living room towards the back door.
"I'm not." He huffed out, sliding into his boots. "I'm not running away from anything, but I need a minute to think."
"I can give you space, I'll back off and give you time, just... don't go." She nearly pleaded, Matt sighing as he grabbed his keys.
"I have to come to terms with this, Gabby, and I can't do it here." He explained, roughly pulling his coat from the hook. "You and I both know where this is headed. Ultimately it's your decision, you're going to keep this baby and I just have to be okay with it."
"Matt, no-"
He shook his head sadly, "You're not going to change your mind and I'm not either, so I… I need time to think." He moved the short distance towards the back door, Gabby standing a few feet away from him, knowing he was about to walk out and there was nothing she could do to stop him.
"Please don't do this." She tried one last time, Matt stopping briefly in the doorway as he heard her words, his tense shoulders falling momentarily. But his second of doubt was gone, Matt pushing his way outside, closing the door sharply behind him as he was met with the harsh Chicago night, leaving a broken Gabby inside as he stomped towards his truck, needing the space to clear his head.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I hope you don't hate me for this.
I went back and forth so many times on how I wanted to have their last scene play out. And as much as I just wanted to end it with sweet Dawsey, I couldn't. With where they're both at right now, it felt wrong to have them suddenly be okay. Especially Matt, like it would've felt cheap to me to just have them forget it and move on. Despite the progress they've made in talking things out, they're still Matt and Gabby. Both stubborn as hell, and with something like this, I couldn't see either of them giving in so easily and everything being fine. Even though it physically pained me to write their fight, I'm happy with the way it turned out. Hopefully, you all aren't too mad at me for this.
In more not so great news, I've been sick off and on since I left for vacation, I was hoping once I got back home it would go away but that wasn't the case. On the upside, it's been giving me a lot of time to write/plan out things. I still am working on that new Dawsey story I wanna publish, I'm just trying to decide on some last minute details before I start writing, and then I just have all these random ideas floating around in my head that never seem to leave me alone. So who knows, I might start jotting them down and see if it turns into anything. Why not.
I can't wait to hear what you thought of this one. If you can, please leave me a review. It helps me so much hearing your alls thoughts on each chapter, and keeps me motivated. Thank you to everyone taking the time to ready my work, I appreciate it so much.