Back with another chapter for you all. I hope you enjoy!
Chapter Thirty One
Matt sat hunched over at the bar, staring at the full beer glass in front of him, his hands clenched together on top of the old wood, tuning out the sounds of the TV's around him. His surroundings were new, Matt having never been here before, the distraught firefighter having driven aimlessly for nearly half an hour before winding up outside of this old bar. He was on the complete opposite side of the city, in fact he was sure he was outside the limits of Chicago; he could count on one hand the amount of times he'd been in this part of town. But right now that was exactly what he needed. A place where no one knew him, where there was no chance of him running into people he'd recognize. A place where he could gather his thoughts.
After parking and walking in, he found the building barely occupied aside from a few patrons and a man behind the bar, Matt thankful for the quiet as he moved himself towards an open stool, collapsing his tired body down onto it as the man came over to him. Matt had insisted he didn't want anything, that he was just here to clear his head, but despite his words the worker put out a large glass of beer in front of him, making a comment about how he looked like he could use it.
That had been over two hours ago, and Casey hadn't moved since. The glass remained untouched, the once cold beer now room temperature as Matt stared straight straight ahead, unable to focus on much of anything except the look on Gabby's face when he walked out the back door.
Since the moment he walked out, Matt knew he messed up. No matter what was said between them, he shouldn't have left. But his heart overwhelmed his head, and he knew he had to get out of there before he said something he could never take back, before words were said that could do irreparable damage to everything they'd fixed. Though the longer he sat here, he was beginning to wonder if his actions had already done that.
No matter how bad things got, he never intended to walk out. But he just couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't stand there and listen to her be so careless with her own life. The idea of losing her forever was unbearable, the thought alone making him sick to his stomach. But there she was, encouraging it all for a life that didn't even really exist yet. He couldn't deal with it, so he ran.
"I hope that's the first one." A voice from beside him snapped Matt from his train of thought, a voice that Matt knew well.
Blowing out a sigh, Matt nudged the full glass towards the back of the bar, turning his head towards the man. "How'd you know where I was?"
Antonio pulled out the bar stool next to him, placing himself comfortably in the seat. "I'm a detective, Casey." He spoke, catching Matt's gaze. "I found you two hours ago."
Clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth, Matt responded. "If you knew where I was, why'd you wait so long to come?"
"Gabby said you left to get space, so I was giving you space. And, no offense, but I was more concerned about making sure my sister was alright then coming here to knock some sense into you." Antonio's tone shifted halfway through his sentence, his voice becoming hard, his narrowed gaze focused in on his former brother in-law.
"So that's why you're here, to beat my ass for leaving?"
"Depends." Antonio responded shortly, Matt looking at him with a raised eyebrow. "Are you planning on going back?"
Casey's eyes widened in surprise, anger sweeping through him at Antonio's implication. "You can't be serious, of course I am. Why would you even ask me that?"
Unfazed by his reaction, Antonio simply shrugged his shoulders. "Gabby didn't seem so sure."
Matt swallowed thickly, trying to push away the feeling of guilt filling his stomach, dropping his guard momentarily. "How is she?" He asked softly.
"Not great." Antonio replied harshly, his tough exterior never faltering. "She called me as soon as you left, she was pissed… at first." He explained, clipping his words as they left his mouth. "But by the time I got there, she was in tears. She was getting really worked up, she started having a hard time breathing… but I was able to calm her down before she spiraled into a full blown panic attack." Antonio's words sliced through Matt like a knife, the firefighter closing his eyes as he heard of the damage his decision had caused. "After she'd settled down, she told me what happened; she started crying again because she didn't know if you were coming back."
"Antonio-"
"I comforted her the best I could, but I'm not the person she needs right now." He spoke bitterly, Matt sighing deeply as Antonio's words washed over him.
"I just- I needed a minute."
"You've been gone for nearly three hours." The detective interjected, an unimpressed look covering his face.
"I needed time." Matt clarified with a slight glare. "Everything with this- this baby and what it means for Gabby, it's all too much. I needed a second to figure it out.
"You couldn't have figured it out at home?" He questioned, continuing before Matt had a chance to speak. "Instead, I had to go try and comfort my baby sister because you left. You walked out on her and your baby. I hope you at least 'figured it out'." Antonio spoke, using air quotes to emphasize his point.
Matt felt anger begin to creep back up into his system at Antonio's words, his emotions from the day still ever present in his body.
"So," Antonio spoke again when Casey remained silent, "did this space help you at all? Or should I just go back to your apartment, that way my pregnant sister isn't left waiting up all night to see if you'll be coming home."
"Back off, Antonio." Matt spoke through gritted teeth.
Knowing he'd gotten through to him, at least to an extent, Antonio released a soft sigh, rubbing his hand over the side of his head. "I just need to know what you're doing."
"I don't know." Matt replied in frustration. "She's… she's willing to kill herself, so I'm sorry if I need more than a few hours to come to terms with that." He spoke angrily, his voice low.
"And you're willing to kill your child."
"Don't tell me you're okay with this?" Matt asked in near disbelief. He knew the man sitting beside him would always have his sister's back, but Matt couldn't fathom the idea of Antonio actually being on board with this decision.
"It doesn't matter what I think."
"She could die, Antonio!" Matt spoke loudly, no doubt drawing the attention of the other patrons inside the bar. "I know it doesn't matter to her, but doesn't it matter to you?"
"Watch it, Casey." He replied sharply, his narrowed gaze returning. "Of course it matters to me. She's my baby sister, I'm terrified of what could happen to her. And I know you are too, or you'd be sitting at home right now. So don't give me that bullshit." Antonio spoke firmly. "I wish this never happened to her, to the both of you, but don't you think for as scared as we are right now, she's even more afraid than the both of us?" He questioned, seeing the cold look on Matt's face soften. "She's willing to do this for this child. She's doing this to give you guys the child you've both always wanted, but that doesn't mean she's not scared. This is happening to her. It's her life, she knows she's risking everything for this… but she's willing to risk it for you."
"But I don't want her to." Matt nearly whispered, his facade breaking as Antonio caught a glimpse of how much pain Casey was carrying. "I'd never ask her to do that, I don't want her to do that."
"I know you don't." Antonio replied softly, placing a supportive hand on Matt's shoulder. "And you have to know this isn't an easy decision for her. She's not doing this to hurt you, she's not doing this to be selfish." A look of remorse flashed in Matt's eyes as Antonio spoke, the firefighter understanding the man beside him knew exactly what all had been said between the couple earlier in the evening. "She wants to have this baby for you all, she wants to be able to give you a child."
Taking a steadying breath, Matt broke their eye contact as he looked straight ahead, his hands coming up to cradle his head. "I just… I can't think of this baby as my child right now, Antonio. I can't think of it as something that's real, not when I know the risks." He muttered. "I know Gabby sees it as us killing our child, and I know, technically, that's true, but I can't think of it like that. Knowing that terminating this pregnancy is the safest option for her is killing me, if I let myself think like that's my kid- I don't know how I could live with myself. The thought of doing this is eating me upside, but I just- I can't lose her." Matt sucked back his tears as emotions swept through him, Antonio frowning as he saw Matt's body trembling slightly.
"But this baby is real, Matt. It's part of you and part of Gabby; they're real. I know it's easier to pretend otherwise, but if you two do end up aborting this baby, you have to be able to accept that you'd be losing another child." Casey quickly wiped away the single tear that fell down his cheek as Antonio spoke solemnly. "No matter what you two decide, you can't pretend like this baby doesn't exist. That'll ruin you, Matt. You have to be able to accept it."
Drawing in a shaky breath, Matt nodded, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes before lifting his head up again. "I know." He whispered. "Deep down, I know that this is our child. Our healthy, perfect child that we'd be..." Matt trailed off before he could finish his sentence, unable to say the last word out loud. "But if I have to make a choice between this unborn baby and Gabby, I'd choose Gabby every time."
"I know… but you need to realize that choosing Gabby might also mean choosing this baby, Matt." Antonio spoke softly, letting his words sink in before speaking up again. "I'm not saying I agree with her decision here, but ultimately it is her decision to make. And we both know that." Matt's glistening eyes landed on Antonio, the older Dawson looking back at him with the same sadness shining in his gaze. "Now it's up to you to make yours."
Matt slowly slid his key into the front door of their apartment, not knowing what he'd be walking into as it neared one in the morning. Once unlocked, he carefully pushed open the door, surprised to be met with practically every light in their home on, their TV still on the same channel it had been before their fight, the volume turned down low. At first glance from the doorway, everything appeared to look the same as he'd left it.
Not seeing Gabby anywhere, he quietly shut the door back against its frame, turning the lock as carefully as possible, grimacing when the harsh click of the deadbolt rang throughout the apartment, his every movement seemingly ten times louder than normal.
He walked a few steps into their home, waiting a couple of seconds as his eyes locked on their dark bedroom from across the apartment, Matt waiting to see if any of the noise he'd made had woken Gabby. After nearly a minute, he figured himself to be in the clear, knowing had he woken her up she would've come out to check by now.
Matt began slowly walking further into the apartment, intent on heading to the back door to discard his coat and boots, as well as to make sure everything was locked up before he settled in for a long night on the couch. But his movements were stopped instantly as he caught sight of the back of Gabby's head, a frown forming on his face as he saw her curled up on the couch fast asleep. She had a blanket pulled over top of her, her body contorted into a position he imagined was nowhere near comfortable. He regained his footing, coming around to the front of the piece of furniture, his frown deepening when he saw the redness on her face and the tracks of tears down her skin. He knew she'd fallen asleep out here waiting for him to come home, and by the looks of it she'd fallen asleep crying.
Releasing a heavy sigh, he reached for the remote, turning off the TV and placing the item back down on the table before he quietly walked out of the living room, wanting to finish his intended routine before trying to get Gabby to bed. Being as quiet as possible, he shed his coat and his shoes, putting his keys in their rightful place alongside his wallet, checking to make sure the back door was secured before turning off the lights in the kitchen. Once he completed all that, he walked back into the living room, Gabby still in the same position he'd left her in moments ago, her chest rising and falling slowly with each breath.
Moving aside his beer from earlier, Matt sat down on the edge of the coffee table, his eyes locked on her resting form. He didn't want to wake her. After everything that happened between them the past few days and how difficult it all had been, he wanted to let her rest. But the couch was no place for anyone to sleep, especially not when pregnant. He knew she'd have some serious aches and pains tomorrow if he let her stay out here. And if either of them deserved to be the one banished to the couch, it was him.
Matt carefully brought his hand up to the side of her face, brushing the hair from her eyes as he put his palm against her skin. "Gabby." He whispered, not wanting to startle her. It took a few seconds of him running his hand over her head but finally her eyes began to flutter open, her immediate confusion evident as her eyes fell closed again. "Hey."
"What time is it?" She murmured, leaning into his touch, her eyes squinting as she opened them again, needing time to adjust to the light in the room.
"Around one." He told her softly, Gabby pushing herself up with her hands, her body sideways as the blanket fell and bunched at her waist. He removed his hand from her as she moved, seeing her regain a sense of her surroundings. And he knew the exact moment she remembered the events of the evening, her body subconsciously leaning a few inches away from him as her vision refocused.
"I didn't think you'd be coming back." She whispered, adjusting the angle of her body on the couch, crossing her legs in front of her.
"I'm sorry." Were the first words out of his mouth, Matt tentatively reaching out and placing a hand on her knee, grateful that she didn't shy away from him. "I never should've walked out. I just… I knew if I didn't, we would only keep fighting and it would've gotten worse and I was trying to avoid that." As soon as the words left his mouth, she looked unimpressed, her arms crossed over her chest protectively. "And I needed time. I needed to think through what you were asking me to do, by us keeping this baby."
"I would've rather us fought instead of you running away." She spoke bitterly, avoiding his eye contact. "And I told you I'd back off, give you the space to think. But you still left anyway."
"I know." He responded guiltily, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. "It was stupid-"
"You told me over and over that we were in this together." Gabby cut him off, meeting his gaze again, Matt able to see the anger and pain she held in her eyes. "You swore up and down that no matter what, we'd get through this together. And then the second we actually start talking about it, you run."
"In my defense, it wasn't exactly talking. And from where I'm standing it doesn't really feel like we're in this together." He spoke quickly, regretting the words the second they left his mouth. He wasn't helping, and if he didn't already know that on his own, the look that flashed in her eyes would've told him. "Sorry…" Matt breathed out, removing his hand from her knee and placing it on his own, squeezing tightly as his hands ran up and down his thighs. "I didn't come back here to fight, I really didn't. And if I could go back, I would've never left, I just- God, I don't know how to handle this, Gabby."
"You don't handle it by calling me selfish, saying I did this on purpose, and then running away." She forced out.
"I never said you did this on purpose." He challenged, being met with an eye roll from Gabby.
"It's what you meant." She fought back. "Saying that 'I got what I wanted', it pretty much means the same thing."
Blowing out an exasperated sigh, he shook his head. "That's not how I meant it, I was just frustrated because you weren't listening."
"Oh, I was listening. I heard every word you said." She snapped back, Matt groaning as his head fell down into his hands in frustration. They were getting nowhere, and this was exactly what he didn't want.
"I really don't want to fight with you, Gabby." He murmured, his head still facing the ground.
Dropping her guard slightly, she looked over him for a moment, seeing his trembling hands holding his head up, and the exhaustion that consumed him. She knew how hard this was on him, how the weight of this was slowly crushing him, and she understood it because she was feeling the same way. But he's the one who ran, and she couldn't help but feel some lingering resentment towards him for it.
"Did you figure anything out?" She questioned softly after a few silent moments, Matt barely able to hear her as he lifted his head. "You said you needed space to think, did you get what you needed?" Gabby clarified, trying to keep her emotions in check.
"It didn't really help, no." He admitted, Gabby's bottom lip falling in between her teeth as she held back on commenting. "I was hoping if I could just step away from everything it would give me some clarity, that it would help me know what to do. But it didn't." His words were filled with defeat as he spoke. "I feel so conflicted here, Gabby. And I know you don't- or if you do, it's not enough to keep you from completely wanting this baby, but I… I don't know how to do that." Tears filled his eyes as they locked gazes, Gabby's heart breaking for him despite her anger. "Believe me when I say there's a huge part of me that wants this baby, or that wants to want this baby. Having a child with you is everything I ever dreamed of, and now that you're pregnant, I hate myself for not being able to be excited about this." The emotions he'd been holding onto released as tears flowed down his cheeks, Gabby willing herself to stay composed as he bared his heart to her. "I truly do, I hate that I'm not completely in love with our child. I hate that I'm feeling like this. I would do anything to be able to want this baby, but I can't Gabby. I can't because if I let myself do that, that means I'm allowing myself to be okay with losing you." His breath caught in his throat as he finished speaking, Matt frantically wiping under his eyes to try and save some shred of his demeanor, but it was useless.
"Matt…"
"And I'm not okay with that." He continued, laying it all out on the table. "Every time I feel even the smallest bit happy about the possibility of our child, I'm immediately overwhelmed with guilt. How can I be happy about this when I know what it could do to you? What kind of person does that make me? Me choosing to want this child is the same as me choosing to be okay with losing you, and I can't do it." Matt's words were shaky as they left his lips, the tears in Gabby's eyes having spilled over as he spoke.
Placing her feet on the ground, Gabby scooted forward in her seat, placing a leg in between his as she leaned towards him, grabbing ahold of his forearms. "Matt, you do not need to feel guilty about wanting our child." Her voice was soft, their watery eyes locked as their faces were inches apart.
"But-"
"No, listen to me." She cut him off firmly. "It is okay for you to want this. It is okay to allow yourself to be excited. This is what you have wanted for as long as I've known you." She whispered, watching the tears roll down his skin. "You're allowed to be happy about this."
"But I can't, Gabby." He replied, watching her sigh deeply. "No matter how slim the chance is, I don't think I could ever be okay with this knowing what could happen. And if we do keep this baby and God forbid something happens to you, I could never live with myself." Matt choked out, feeling her squeeze his arm lightly as a source of comfort. "And I do want kids, you're right I've always wanted that. I've dreamed of our child, Gabby. Of seeing them born, and being there for all the milestones. When they say their first word, when they walk for the first time, when they have their first day of school. I've imagined who they'd take after more, and how if they're gonna stand a chance hopefully they look more like you." He spoke lightly, a chuckle escaping Gabby's lips despite the pain filling her heart as she heard his words. "I've dreamed of all that, but in those dreams you're always right there by my side. I don't want any of that if you're not there to experience it with me." Matt voiced sadly, shaking his head. "I don't want to lose this baby. The thought of us getting an abortion kills me. But I don't know how to be okay with the possibility of losing you."
"I wish I didn't have to ask you to be okay with this." Gabby started, her voice barely above a whisper. "I wish this aneurysm didn't exist, and that we were just finding out about this pregnancy and everything was fine. I wish that was the case, but it's not. And I know you're scared of what could happen to me, but I know you Matt. It would be just as hard on you to lose this baby as it would be to lose me."
"But if I had to choose, I'd choose you. I'll always choose you. Every time, I'd put your safety over anything else."
"Until we do have a child." She replied, Matt's eyebrows raising in question. "Oh, come on." She spoke lightly, Matt confused by the small smile on her face, breaking through the tears. "The second our child comes into this world, I'm no longer the most important person in your life. I'd be the second, but our child would become the most important thing to you. You'd choose them, first and foremost. Their safety would come first, and that's the way it should be." She spoke, Matt releasing a deep breath. "Can you honestly sit here and tell me that the second you saw our baby, you wouldn't be completely in love with them?" She asked him, but he didn't need to answer. They both already knew what the true answer would be. "No matter what happened to me, there isn't anything in this world that could keep you from loving our child."
Sucking in a deep breath, Matt straightened his back, effectively breaking their contact as Gabby sat back as well. "I don't want to be left to raise our child alone, Gabby."
"And there's a good chance you won't be." She replied quickly, knowing they weren't nearly as close to an agreement as she hoped. Blowing out a sigh, she reached for him again, grabbing ahold of his hand. "Can you do something for me?" She questioned, Matt tilting his head in confusion but nodding nonetheless. "Leaving what could happen to me out of it, is there any way we could go to the doctor and you'd be able to go through with aborting this baby?"
Matt's eyes fell closed as her words hit him, unable to stop from picturing himself in that scenario. The mere thought of it sprung more tears to his eyes, imagining what going through with this would do to them. But he forced the images away, shaking his head slowly. "It would be hard. It would be damn near impossible, but if it was the only way to keep you safe, I'd do it." He responded, Gabby pursing her lips together.
"I said for you to leave me out of it." She whispered, Matt shaking his head.
"I can't do that, Gabby. You're asking me to ignore the reason this is even a discussion, I can't sit here and pretend this couldn't hurt you."
"There's only a small chance something could go wrong if I have this baby, but getting an abortion? Choosing to get rid of our child? That would kill me, Matt." She replied, tears filling her eyes. "If I knew that you were one hundred percent sure you wanted me to get rid of this baby, I would think about it. I would. But you're not, and this isn't something I can realistically consider." A grimace covered his face at hearing her say for the first time that she wouldn't get an abortion. He knew it had been the case, even before they had their fight a part of him knew she wouldn't actually consider it, but hearing her say it out loud made it all the more real. She was going to risk her life for this child, and there was nothing he could do to change her mind. "I can't do it, not after hearing that heartbeat and seeing them. They're alive and they're healthy, and they're you and they're me… It's our child." She spoke softly, her watery eyes shining up at him. "I can't get rid of this baby, not when we've lost two babies already." Her voice began to wobble at the thought of their first child and Louie, and the pain both those losses still caused them, fresh tears welling in both of their eyes. "There is nothing wrong with our baby, there is no reason based on their health for me to terminate this pregnancy. I won't lose another child, Matt." Gabby kept her words as strong as possible, despite her emotions wearing her down. Through her tears, she saw a flash of something in Matt's eyes that she couldn't read, but he said nothing. "I'll do whatever I have to, to protect them and keep them safe, even if that means something happens to me."
Her words hung in the air between them, Gabby watching to try and gauge any sort of response from him, hoping that he had some bit of understanding and realization as to why she couldn't consider an abortion. But when nearly a minute passed and he'd said nothing, she spoke up again.
"I don't want this to break us, Matt." The vulnerability in her voice tore through him, a tear sliding down his cheek. "I can't do this without you. But I don't know what to do." She confided, Matt hearing the fear in her voice. "You were right, neither of us are going to change our minds… I couldn't live with myself if we get rid of this baby, and you can't live with yourself if you lose me." She spoke sadly, Matt nodding slightly.
"Yeah…" He breathed out, his voice barely audible. Silence had settled around them again, neither one knowing what to say.
"Where does that leave us?"
Gabby was afraid of the question as soon as it left her mouth, but even more so she was afraid of his answer. She meant what she said about not being able to do this without him, but if they couldn't come to an agreement she wasn't sure where they could go from here.
"I… I don't know." He answered honestly, Gabby swallowing down a sob that so desperately wanted to escape her throat. Not trusting her voice, she merely nodded, wiping away the continuous tears that were falling down her face.
The uncertainty around everything they'd worked so hard to repair felt like a crushing weight on top of them, Gabby not wanting to open her mouth in fear of breaking down and Matt not knowing what to say to make this better. They'd promised each other they would get through this together, but they never imagined there would be a time in which they couldn't. They didn't anticipate the two of them being so far apart on coming to an agreement with this pregnancy. As they sat in the heavy silence, Matt kept his eyes on Gabby as she kept hers anywhere but him. She couldn't look at him, not when she feared that their entire relationship was about to come crumbling down around them, all because of the one thing the both of them had always wanted. It was cruel, and she had no idea what either of them had ever done to deserve this. But now all she could think about was how the one thing that had never been up for debate in their relationship was now the sole thing that could ruin it.
"I need time… to accept this and be okay with this, I need time." Matt broke the silence, Gabby snapping from her heavy thoughts as she finally looked to him again, confusion written across her face.
"What does that mean?" She questioned, fear evident in her voice.
"I don't know, I just- I'm not okay with this yet. And I don't know if I ever can be, but if we're gonna make it through this, I have to be able to accept you going through with this pregnancy. I have to be okay with what you're asking me to do, and right now I'm not."
Gabby nodded hesitantly, not missing his phrasing, hearing the uncertainty in his words as he spoke of 'if' they could get past this. "Where are you gonna go?" Her voice was soft, Gabby fighting every urge in her body to breakdown.
Matt's face mirrored the same look of confusion she had moments ago, his eyebrows raising in question. "What do you mean?"
"You said you needed time to figure everything out… and that's okay, I get it. But I just need to know where you'll be."
Realization dawned on him as she spoke, Matt shaking his head back and forth. "I'll be right here, I'm not going anywhere… unless you'd rather I did."
"No, no." She spoke immediately, Matt seeing the relief in her eyes when he said he was staying. He couldn't help but be overcome with guilt, knowing his running out earlier put so much fear and doubt within her. "I want you here, I just thought you meant you needed to be, I don't know, somewhere else, while you process this."
"I'm not going anywhere." He assured her softly, pushing himself up from the coffee table and moving to sit down beside her, leaving a few inches of space between them. "I don't know if I can be okay with this Gabby, I really don't. But I promise you, I'm gonna try."
"Okay." She responded quietly, her voice hoarse. It wasn't the strong reassurance she was hoping for, but it was a promise to try, and she knew she couldn't ask for much more than that. She knew she was already asking him to disregard what he wants and do this for her and their baby, so if he needed some space and time to come to terms with it, she would give it to him.
She just wished she understood what the hell that meant.
"I'm, uh, gonna go to bed. It's late." She told him, not really sure what else to say.
"Okay." He replied as she stood up from the couch, glancing down to him for a few seconds trying to figure out if he was coming or not. When she realized he wasn't going to follow her lead, she gave a slight nod and slid past him.
"Are you coming to bed soon?" She asked as she stood on the other side of him, Matt shrugging.
"Yeah, probably."
"Okay." She responded, glancing to him one last time before moving towards the dark bedroom. Their entire exchange left a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach, their awkwardness around one another and the lack of contact between them hanging over her head.
Stopping in the doorway, she turned back towards him, seeing his eyes on her but it was almost as if he was looking through her. Softly placing her hand on her stomach, she gave him a sad smile. "I am sorry, Matt." She whispered, seeing his eyes flicker to meet hers. "You were right, about me having made up my mind before we even had a chance to talk about it. I wish I didn't have to ask you to be okay with this, but I just- I can't willingly lose our baby." Her voice was unstable as it hung in the air, Matt nodding slowly. "But I really am sorry. I never meant for it to turn into this, I wanted this to be a decision we made together so badly, I really did."
"I know." He responded quietly, wearing a similar sad smile. "Get some sleep, Gabby." He voiced softly, Gabby reluctantly nodding before turning away from him, entering the pitch black room. She left the door open behind her, hoping that would prompt Matt into coming to bed sooner rather than later. She blindly found her way around the bed, pulling back the covers and climbing in between the cold sheets, turning her body to face the middle of the bed, her eyes peeled to the door as she waited for his entrance.
Seconds turned into minutes, which turned into nearly half an hour and Matt had yet to come to bed, and she couldn't help but think he was waiting until he was sure she was asleep. Despite the unsettling feeling in her gut, she let herself succumb to the exhaustion she'd been fighting, knowing that her and their baby needed rest.
She knew both her and Matt wanted this to work, that they wanted to come to terms with this together and have everything work out as it should. But as she started to drift off to sleep, she couldn't push the thought from her mind that everything between them would only get worse before it could get better.
Gabby woke up with an immediate grimace covering her face as she felt a wave of nausea hit her, the feeling having pulled her from her slumber as she slowly turned on her back and pressed against her stomach, trying to settle the uneasiness within her. After a few slow, deep breaths she managed to get the feeling to pass, Gabby finally opening her eyes.
Confusion settled over her as she saw the room bathed in darkness, Gabby checking the time to see it was barely past five. With the late night her and Matt had, only getting a few hours of sleep wasn't ideal. But her confusion only grew when she reached over and her hand was met by the cold comforter, her eyes adjusting to the dark as she saw Matt's side of the bed still tucked in, obviously un-slept in. Clearly he'd never come to bed like he promised, a heavy sigh falling from her lips as the previous night's events replayed in her mind.
Part of her wanted to get up and go find him, wondering if he'd stayed out on the couch or taken up for the night in the guest bedroom. In that moment, she couldn't decide which one would be worse. But she also didn't feel like getting up, not wanting to risk upsetting her stomach again. And the longer she stayed in bed, the greater chance of her being able to fall back asleep.
Deciding on the second choice, she began shifting under the warmth of the covers, trying to find the best position to try and sleep. But the second she got comfortable and closed her eyes, her mind started running rampant, her thoughts consumed with Matt and the possible fallout of their relationship looming over their heads.
Gabby understood him needing time to be okay with her decision. Even though it hadn't been her intention, she did leave him with no choice. By her not being able to cope with the pain of willingly losing another child, she ended up forcing him to deal with the possibility of losing her. She knew this wasn't fair to him; she was asking him to be okay with her decision while openly dismissing what he wanted. That wasn't anywhere near how they agreed to deal with this, and it wasn't fair to him at all. She hated that this is where they ended up, but she refused to harm their child's life. No matter what it meant for her, she wouldn't risk hurting them. She could only hope Matt would be able to eventually feel the same way.
But this was never what she wanted. She never wanted to force him into something he clearly was against, but it felt as if she had no choice. Terminating this pregnancy wasn't an option for her, and deep down she didn't believe it was an option for him either. But he was struggling with the reality of this, and she couldn't help but wonder what this meant for them. She left him with few options; either he could accept her putting her life on the line for their child, or he could walk away. For now, it seemed like he chose the first, but she couldn't imagine what this situation might do to them. She hoped once he came to terms with it, he would be able to look past how they got here. That once he was okay with this pregnancy, he'd be able to be excited about their child and this new chapter of their life together. But that could only happen if he was able to come to terms with it, and Gabby was very much aware of the other direction this could take.
He could end up resenting her, and part of her wouldn't be able to blame him. If Matt wasn't able to come to grips with this, he could end up hating her for it. Despite what he says, there's no doubt in her mind he wouldn't be completely won over by their child. That wasn't what she was worried about; but her? That could be a different story. There was a small part of her that wondered if, no matter the outcome, he would resent her for putting him in this position.
Deep down, she was sure there was no way Matt could actually ever hate her… but resent her? That was definitely in the realm of possibility if he wasn't able to accept this. And honestly, she felt like that might be worse.
Understanding she wouldn't be able to get any more sleep right now, Gabby pushed the covers from her body, slowly easing herself up out of bed. She carefully walked around the room to the open door, being met by more darkness as she stepped through the doorway. The streetlights flooding in through the window illuminated the room enough for her to catch a glimpse of Matt, darkness surrounding them both as she saw him sleeping on the couch, like she had been hours prior. But this wasn't him sleeping out here waiting for her return, this was him choosing to sleep here on the uncomfortable furniture so he wouldn't have to be next to her.
Guilt continued to sweep through her body as the reality of everything came crashing down around her. Her decision had caused this. This was the very thing she swore up and down she wouldn't do; they promised to not make decisions without the other being on board. And that's exactly what she did. It's exactly what caused their fight in the first place. Before Puerto Rico, before this baby, before all of this, this was the problem that Matt had so forcefully reminded her of. Her making decisions without him and expecting him to follow along.
This is one decision you can't leave me out of.
His words rang through her head as tears began clouding in her eyes, her breathing becoming shallow as the memory of that day hit her like a ton of bricks. Her eyes moved from him towards the kitchen, landing on the exact spot where her world came crashing down around her all those months ago.
Either we're in it together, or we're not in it at all.
She bit back a sob as her hand came up to cover her mouth, her emotions grabbing ahold of her and refusing to let go. Swallowing thickly, she tried her hardest to contain the tears streaming down her face, but she couldn't.
How could she do this to him again? The exact thing that had torn them apart so terribly, she was so willingly doing it again. Even though she had the best reason, she was still putting him through this. Again. The one thing he's asked of her was for them to decide on things together, and the first time a choice had to be made, she disregarded him.
She didn't regret her choice, she couldn't. She would never do anything to harm this baby. But she regretted what her decision had done to him. She regretted that she, yet again, had made a choice that affected both of them. But this time, it wasn't just that she didn't involve him. She knowingly went against what he wanted.
If there was ever a situation that would excuse her making the decision for them, it'd be this set of circumstances. But that didn't stop the guilt from swarming her system, knowing she was doing the exact thing she promised him she wouldn't.
Tears continued to fall down her skin, her muffled cries getting louder as the weight of everything hit her at once, overwhelming her. She felt like she couldn't breathe, like it was impossible to even try as more tears clouded her vision.
She didn't notice the rustling from the couch, or her name being called frantically. She didn't notice him hurrying the short distance towards her. She didn't notice him until she felt his hand on her arm, his other lifting her chin to try and get her to look at him.
"Gabby, breathe. Breathe, it's okay." Matt spoke firmly, stroking his thumb over his jaw as she blinked away tears, his face becoming clearer as he stood in front of her. "Just breathe." He told her, seeing her struggling for every breath.
He took slow, deep breaths, Gabby focusing her attention on the rise and fall of his chest, mimicking his actions as she tried to calm down. It took a few minutes, but she managed to get her breathing under control, tears still continuously rolling down her cheeks as they stood there, Matt rubbing his hand up and down her arm slowly.
"There you go." He whispered comfortingly, tapping his thumb against her skin. "You're okay."
The gentle tone to his voice only stirred more emotions within her, knowing he'd once again dropped everything to make sure she was okay. His genuine concern for her overruled however he may be feeling about her right now and his instincts took over. She was still his main priority, and all she did in return was break her promises to him.
Seeing more tears welling in her eyes, he frowned, brushing her hair behind her ear. "What happened?" He questioned softly, Gabby shaking her head.
"I'm sorry, Matt." Realization set in as he began to understand what caused this episode, his eyebrows furrowing as his tongue ran over his bottom lip. "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for going against what you want, but I just- I can't do it." Her hands were shaking, her voice quivering as the desperate words left her lips.
"Gabby-"
"I know you're mad at me." She interjected. "And you have every right to be, I'm doing this to you again. I'm making decisions for us again, and I wish we weren't in this position. I wish this was easy." She continued, unable to stop the tears falling from her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Matt."
"I'm not mad at you." He was quick to assure her, Matt ducking his head to meet her teary gaze. "I promise you, I'm not. I just need time." His words were soft, hoping she believed him. But he could tell she was unconvinced. "Is that what caused this?" He questioned, alluding to the state he found her in when he woke up. "You thought I was mad at you?"
"It was a lot of things…" She answered, her eyes darting away from him. "You never came to bed, and I started worrying about what that meant. And then it spiraled into… well, about everything." She told him shyly, hating that she had such little control over her own emotions.
Releasing a heavy sigh, Matt moved his hand to her waist, gently nudging her back towards the bedroom. "C'mon." He spoke softly, Gabby turning around and slowly walking towards the room, feeling Matt's warmth close behind her. She maneuvered around the bed, seeing him pull back the covers.
She stood on her side of the bed, watching as he climbed in under the sheets, holding his arm out across her pillow, silently inviting her to lay down next to him. Gabby needed no more prompting as she climbed in next to him, the couple cuddled towards his side of the bed as she put her head against his chest. He kept a tight grip on her, feeling her body instantly relax in his arms. "Try and get some sleep." He murmured, pressing a light kiss to her forehead, Gabby nodding against him in response.
"I love you." She whispered into the darkness, rubbing her thumb back and forth against his side.
His response was delayed, Gabby tensing at the continued silence coming from him, until eventually he replied. "I love you, too."
His voice was barely audible, the time it took him to respond springing thoughts of doubt in her mind. Because despite the quiet volume of his words, she was able to pick up on one thing in his voice.
Hesitation.
And she didn't know what that meant.
Gabby woke up for the second time that morning alone, the natural light peeking in through the sheer curtains blinding her as she pushed herself up into a sitting position, looking around the room. Matt was gone, and based on how cold the sheets felt when she ran her hand over them, he'd left a while ago. Rubbing her eyes tiredly, she reached for her phone, seeing it was only barely after eight. She hadn't gotten nearly as much sleep as she wanted, knowing a contributing factor to that was her spending most of the night alone.
If she had to guess, she'd say Matt left soon after she fell back asleep. For whatever reason, he hadn't wanted to come to bed. He did that solely for her, because he knew she needed him after her breakdown early this morning. But it seemed like the minute he could, he left. And while she couldn't be sure the reason without talking to him, she guessed that was something he needed to do for himself.
Blowing out a heavy sigh, Gabby rubbed her hands over the sides of her face, putting pressure on her temples, willing the pounding headache she'd evidently woken up with to go away, unable to keep her thoughts from drifting to Matt.
She was more than willing to go at his pace. Whatever kind of space he needed, she'd give him. God knows had the roles been reversed, she'd expect the same kind of grace. But it was the uncertainty of it all that left her feeling in limbo. Matt's inability to give her a solid answer as to what him 'needing time' meant, or if her going through with this pregnancy was actually something he could come to terms with left her feeling like she was hanging by a thread.
Gabby knew she'd feel a whole lot better about all of this if she could get some definite answers. But the problem was even if she asked Matt, she knew he wouldn't be able to tell her anything either. Because he didn't know. All he did know was that, whatever it meant, he needed time.
As frustrated as she was, she knew she couldn't push him. She was in no position to demand anything from him, and she wouldn't. All she did know was that she needed him, and she could only hope he figured things out sooner rather than later, because less than one night of this and she was already breaking.
Nothing about this was how she envisioned her and Matt's first viable pregnancy going. She never imagined this much heartache and pain looming between the two of them. Matt could hardly stand to touch her, to be in the same bed as her; she didn't even know if he was home, but based on the silence coming from the apartment she imagined he wasn't. Nothing was going according to plan. Instead of Matt being by her side every moment, eager to be there for any new development during her pregnancy, he didn't seem to even want to be around her right now. He needed space from her and their baby, where in a perfect world he would hate to be away from them for even a second. Nothing was working out the way it was supposed to.
But all she could do was hold onto hope that things would fall into place. That, as unfair as it may be, Matt will come around, and when he's ready, he'll let himself be excited for this baby. That things between them will get back to normal.
She had to cling to that hope, or she would fall apart.
Hearing the padding of footsteps out in the living room confused her, Gabby turning her head just in time to see Matt push the cracked door open, his cautious movements telling her he was trying his hardest to be quiet, Matt carefully closing the door back before turning around. He stopped in his tracks when he saw her sitting up in bed, his wide eyes returning to normal after a moment, Matt clearing his throat before stepping further into the room. "Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
"You didn't." She responded softly, Matt giving her a nod before walking towards the dresser. "I didn't even realize you were still here." If Matt knew what she was alluding to, he didn't let it show, the man just flashing her a small smile through the mirror.
"Yeah, I'm about to head out."
Furrowing her eyebrows, Gabby checked the time once more. 8:15. "Where are you headed off to this early?" Their days off usually never entailed many errands done before the late morning, this was definitely out of the ordinary.
"Got a construction job." He replied vaguely, pulling out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, opening the top drawer to get a new pair of boxers before closing the drawers on the dresser. "I gotta get going soon, I'm just gonna hop in the shower real quick." He explained, moving towards their bathroom.
"Oh, okay. Will you be home for lunch? I was thinking I could make us something." She questioned softly, Matt turning to find a small, hopeful smile on her face.
"Uh, I'm not sure. Probably not." He replied with a grimace, Gabby opening her mouth to reply but before she could get the words out he spoke up again. "Sorry, I'm gonna be late if I don't-" He nodded towards the bathroom, Gabby simply giving him a nod watching as he slipped through the doorway, closing the door behind him, a frown forming on her face as he closed himself off from her.
Falling back against the pillows, she let her body relax as she listened to him turn on the shower, her emotions pulling her in a hundred different directions as she silently prayed that this shift in his demeanor around her wasn't anything permanent.
Just give him time, Gabby. That's all you can do.
Gabby huffed out a frustrated breath as she looked to her phone, seeing her earlier text to Matt asking him how his job was going was still left unread, nearly two hours having passed since she sent it. Stepping out of the elevator at the correct floor, Gabby felt relieved to be out of the enclosed space as she walked down the familiar hallway she hadn't been down in months, making her way to the end of the hall.
It was well into the afternoon now, Matt's morning construction gig having turned into an all day one, by the looks of it. It was either that, or there was no construction job and he'd spent the entire day avoiding her. For the sake of her heart, she was choosing to believe it was the first one.
Stopping in front of the closed door to her destination, she brought her glove-covered hand up, knocking a few times on the hard steel, instantly hearing shuffling from inside. After only a few moments, the door opened, Gabby being met by the surprised look of the firefighter standing across from her.
"Hey Gabby." He greeted, confusion evident across his face but he offered her a smile nonetheless.
"Hey Kelly." She responded, Severide stepping out of the way to let her inside, Gabby taking him up on his offer and walking in, Kelly looking out into the empty hallway before shutting the door.
"Casey not with you?"
"No, he's working." She replied softly, Severide nodding.
"So, uh what brings you by?" He questioned, bracing himself for whatever could possibly have Gabby here to see him, alone.
Blowing out a heavy sigh, she nodded towards his table before glancing back to him.
"We need to talk."
So, things are getting better. Kinda? Slowly? Maybe a little? Matt's still really having a hard time, and Gabby's still struggling as well. Not just with this baby thing, but she's still having trouble dealing with her anxiety and everything with that, it seems. But things can only go up from here, right?
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! I can't wait to hear what you think! Thanks for reading.