Hello hello! Here's another one for you guys. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter Thirty Two
"So, uh what brings you by?" He questioned, bracing himself for whatever could possibly have Gabby here to see him, alone.
Blowing out a heavy sigh, she nodded towards his table before glancing back to him.
"We need to talk."
"Okay, yeah, of course." Kelly responded, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the serious tone in her voice, watching as she moved towards his kitchen table, Kelly following her lead as she sat down in the chair closest to her. "Is everything okay?" He asked cautiously, his curious eyes on her as she glanced down to her folded hands in her lap. Kelly had no idea what this was about, or if he'd finally be getting answers to what had been causing Casey's distress the last few weeks, but whatever had Gabby here was weighing heavily on her; he could see it in her demeanor.
"Yes, well no- I don't know." She sputtered out, fiddling with her fingers as she refused to look up at him.
"Gabby," He spoke surely, finally getting her to look at him, surprised by the unshed tears hiding in her eyes. "What's going on?" Kelly questioned, keeping his voice calm and steady.
He saw her hesitation, a look of doubt flashing in her eyes as she opened her mouth, before closing it slowly. Severide sat in silence, giving her the time she needed to voice whatever had brought her here.
But when the words finally did leave her lips, he couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.
"I'm pregnant."
His lips parted in shock, Kelly's eyes widening as his gaze moved to her stomach and then back to her face, Gabby watching him closely as the two words sunk in.
"Wow… pregnant? That's- congratulations, Dawson." He spoke with a wide smile, Gabby nodding at him slowly, flashing a quick, sad smile.
"Yeah, it's… it was definitely unexpected." She replied softly.
Kelly couldn't help but be confused by her behavior; the news that should elicit such joy from her seemingly weighing her down. He knew how much both she and Matt had wanted kids, and after everything they've gone through in that department, he couldn't imagine them being anything less than thrilled. But based on what he was seeing right now, he knew there was something Gabby wasn't telling him.
"Casey must be so excited." Severide commented after a few seconds, seeing a look of something flash in her eyes. It was gone as quickly as it came, but it looked like something along the lines of fear.
"He, uh… he wants to be, but he's not." She nearly whispered, Kelly's eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
"I don't understand."
Blowing out a heavy sigh, Gabby rested her forearms on the table, leaning her weight into them before responding, avoiding eye contact with the man next to her. "There's a lot that you don't know; that no one knows… about what happened before I left." Her voice came out quietly, afraid of her own words as Kelly watched her intently, sadness shining in his eyes. "Things that were going on between Matt and I, that we never told anyone."
Remaining a comforting presence by her side, Kelly reached out and patted her arm gently, silently assuring her that he was here to listen to whatever she felt comfortable sharing with him.
He imagined wherever this was going, it wasn't good. That it was most likely painful, and despite the confusion he felt being the person she reached out to, he wouldn't turn her away. She came to him for a reason, he wouldn't make her doubt that decision. In the past, Matt had usually been the one to seek him out whenever things were going on between the couple. Even though he and Gabby were close, she rarely sought him out for the heartfelt talks; those usually reserved for her and Herrmann, and in the past, Shay. But this time she came to him, so whatever she was here to tell him, he was determined to help her however he could.
"A couple weeks before I originally left for Puerto Rico, Matt and I decided we wanted to start trying to have a baby." She whispered, her eyes focused on the table, unable to look him in the eye. "We'd only been trying for, I don't know, maybe a month, when I suggested going to see my doctor. We, obviously, hadn't gotten pregnant yet and I wanted to make sure everything was okay. If I'm being honest, it was mostly out of impatience on my part, but we made an appointment and went." Gabby had taken to picking at a scratch on the table as a distraction while she spoke, finding it easier to get the words out when she wasn't focused on Kelly or his reaction. "But when we went, they, uh- we found out I have an aneurysm." Gabby heard his breath catch as soon as the words left her mouth, but she refused to look up at him. "It's in my abdomen, from my first pregnancy… long story short, it makes this a high-risk pregnancy. For me, at least."
"What does that mean?" He asked softly, a deep frown etched into his skin as Gabby finally looked back up at him.
"I could die if I could keep this baby." She replied bluntly, Kelly's eyes falling closed. "And there's a small chance of something happening to the baby as well, but most of the risk is to me."
Forcing himself to take a deep breath, Kelly opened his eyes, finding her gaze waiting for him as she spoke up again. "But, uh- this aneurysm is what started the huge fight between me and Matt before I left." She told him, Severide nodding softly. "I don't know how much you know about that…"
"Casey never told me much."
"Yeah, I didn't think so." She murmured, running a hand over her forehead. "Well, basically what it came down to was Matt wasn't willing to risk me getting pregnant, and I wasn't willing to adopt. And, looking back on it, we were both acting a little crazy. Clearly those aren't the only two options, but we were running on our emotions and everything just became so screwed up… We both said some terrible things to each other," Her voice faltered momentarily, Gabby clearing her throat. "And during our big fight, Matt said this wasn't something I could leave him out of. That this was something that had to be decided together. And, well, you know the rest. I went to Puerto Rico, he didn't…" She trailed off, Kelly nodding sadly as he heard the pain she carried in her voice.
"I'm sorry, Gabby. I never knew anything like that had happened." He apologized, Gabby waving him off.
"It's okay, it just- that fight was a big reason why I didn't come back. I didn't think there was anything to come back to. But then, uh- the attack happened." Her voice fell to a whisper, her eyes darting away from him as tears clouded her vision. Severide rubbed his hand over her arm softly, giving her the time she needed to continue. "It put things in perspective. And I came home."
"Well, I know everyone, especially Casey, is glad you did." He replied gently, Gabby nodding.
"Yeah, I am too. This is my home… Matt is my home." She mused quietly, her head shaking lightly. "But this pregnancy- that wasn't part of the plan. This wasn't supposed to happen. We had just started talking about this, about how we wanted to try and have children when we found out I was pregnant. We never decided on anything, and now suddenly there's this baby and we can't make the decision that's best for us." Kelly nodded sadly, having more insight into some of his past conversations with Casey. All the times Matt mentioned there were things that he and Gabby hadn't talked about, things they'd avoided, the thing that broke her; Kelly finally knew what it was. And somehow it was worse than he'd anticipated.
And now he understood what had Matt so hesitant to give her that ring, the ring Gabby had no idea about. Kelly now realized what Matt had been so worried about. But now with this, Kelly wasn't sure when or if that ring would wind up on her finger.
"Do you guys know what you're gonna do?"
"We're keeping it." She replied instantly, her hand moving to her stomach. Kelly nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat as realization set in of what that could mean for Gabby. "But that's the problem, is Matt's still in the same place he was when we were just trying to figure out how to have a family. He doesn't want me carrying our child. But now that I'm pregnant, he's set on me having an abortion. He doesn't want to keep this baby." Kelly's eyes widened slightly in surprise hearing those words come from her mouth, Severide never having imagined a scenario where that would even be an option for them. But he never imagined a pregnancy would put Gabby's life in danger, either. "He's afraid of something happening to me. But we had a huge fight about what we would do, he walked out-"
"Where'd he go?" Kelly interjected.
"A bar, I think is what Antonio said. He came back late last night, and we talked some more… Having an abortion is not an option for me. I can't do it, and I told him that."
"And what'd he say?"
"He said he needs time." She replied, Kelly's eyebrows furrowing in question. "That he needs time to be okay with this pregnancy and what it means for me, time to accept what I'm asking of him. And I understand it, I do… I feel awful for putting him in this position, especially when we promised we'd come to a decision together." Gabby spoke softly. "So I'm gonna give him time, and space. Whatever he needs from me, I'll give him. But, uh, that's really the reason why I'm here…" She said, Kelly's head tilting in confusion. "I'm not gonna push him. He's made it clear already he wants some space from me, and from all of this, but I need to know he's okay. So if you could just look out for him, during shift. Make sure he's alright… I would really appreciate it."
"Of course I can, Gabby. But, I mean, I don't really know what to do. He hasn't really been receptive to talking to me the last few weeks."
"Maybe now that you know, he'll want to talk about it. I don't know, maybe he won't. I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable position, I just need to know someone's there for him… because he won't really let me right now." She spoke with a sad smile. "And I'm not asking for you to tell me what he says or what you all talk about, that's not what this is- I just need to know he has someone he can talk to. To try and help him, until he's ready to let me back in."
Kelly nodded slowly, drawing in a slow breath. "I'll do what I can, Gabby."
"Thank you, Kelly. I mean I know he's not reckless, and he's always done a pretty good job of compartmentalizing… but this, I don't know, I don't want him dealing with this alone. It'd give me peace of mind, knowing he has you looking out for him."
Severide nodded once more, neither of them able to get another word in as Gabby's phone dinged in her pocket. She flashed him an apologetic smile before pulling it out, seeing a message from Matt.
'Hey, sorry. The job lasted longer than I thought it would, but I'm headed home now. See you soon.'
Blowing out a sigh, she looked back up to Kelly, seeing him watching her carefully. "I should get going, Matt's on his way home. But, I uh- thank you Kelly." She told him, standing up from her seat. Severide followed her actions, nodding slightly.
"Yeah, of course. Whatever I can do, for either of you." He spoke, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "But, um, how are you doing with all this?" He questioned, Gabby breathing deeply. "I know we talked about how Matt was handling everything, but how are you?"
"I'm… I'm terrified." She admitted softly, releasing a breath. "I am. But… this kid deserves a chance." She replied with a hopeful smile. "I just wish it was easier."
With a sad smile, Kelly nodded, wrapping his arms around her shoulders tightly, bringing her in for a quick hug. "I can't imagine how scary this is for you all, but if either of you need anything, I'm here."
"Thanks Severide." She responded as they pulled back, the pair heading for the door.
"So… how dangerous is it really? You having this baby?" He asked as he pulled the door open, Gabby stopping in her path as she got through the doorway.
"There's about a nine percent chance it could be fatal for me." She told him.
It took him a minute to process the number. Nine percent didn't seem all that high. In the grand scheme of things, it was a low percentage. But when dealing with Gabby's life, he could see why Matt wasn't on board with this. Hell, he wasn't even sure if he wanted Gabby putting herself through this. But it wasn't his place to question her. All he'd do is what she asked of him, and be there for both of them, no matter the outcome.
"You think I'm crazy for keeping this baby, don't you?" She asked after he'd gone silent, her voice pulling him from his thoughts.
"No, no, I don't." He promised, rubbing his hand over his mouth. "But it makes sense now."
"What does?" She questioned in confusion.
"The way Matt was acting… it must of been the shift after you all found out, Matt was a wreck." He spoke sadly, seeing the same sadness shining in her eyes. "He was crying in his office."
"Yeah, he told me about that." She murmured.
"He kept saying 'I can't lose her', and I never knew what he meant." He saw a flash of what looked to be guilt flash in her eyes, Gabby swallowing thickly. "I just wish there was something I could do to make this better for you two."
"Me too." She whispered, stepping further into the hallway. "Thank you again, Kelly. For everything." She told him one last time, waving a small goodbye before heading for the exit, nerves filling her stomach as she wondered what kind of reception would be waiting for her when she got home.
Gabby pushed open the back door, walking into the warmth of their apartment desperate to escape the harsh winter winds blowing through Chicago. She barely got a step inside before movement caught her attention, Gabby looking up to see Matt standing in the kitchen, his tired eyes on her as he brought a bottle of water up to his lips.
"Hey." She spoke softly, turning the deadbolt before stepping further inside their home, beginning the process of shedding the extra layers necessary for facing the outside.
"Hi." He responded after he swallowed, placing his drink back onto the counter.
"How was your job?" Gabby walked towards the kitchen, coming to a standstill on the opposite side of the counter, wanting to be near him but trying to keep a few feet of space between them.
"Long." He replied, Gabby's eyes flickering over his features. He looked exhausted, his face was still red from being outside for a prolonged period of time, the color in his cheeks telling her he'd only beaten her home by maybe a few minutes.
She nodded slowly, her eyes moving down from his face towards the counter, her gaze stopping on something unusual. Gabby's eyebrows furrowed as she noticed his haphazardly bandaged finger, the wrapping around his left index finger loose, the creases in her forehead deepening as she saw a small stain of red bleeding through the gauze.
"What happened?" She asked nervously, stepping around the counter separating them and coming to stand by his side, Matt turning towards her as she moved.
"Oh, I uh, wasn't paying attention and hammered my finger a little bit." He shrugged it off, Gabby frowning as she gently lifted his hand from the counter, inspecting the unfortunate wrap job before beginning to remove the dressing from his finger. "Oh, you don't have to, it's just a little sore."
The look she shot him told him she wasn't going to let this go, Matt simply nodding as he let her continue to assess the situation, a grimace covering his face as she got down to the last of the gauze, Matt sucking in air between his clenched teeth as she had to pull on his finger slightly to get the wrapping off.
"Sorry." She murmured, balling up the gauze and placing it on the counter, her eyebrows furrowing as she looked at his injury. His finger was definitely swollen, Gabby finding the source of the bleeding as she saw blood coming from around his fingernail. It wasn't a substantial amount, but it didn't look pretty either. There was already some bruising under his nail, and around the area she assumed to be where he'd made contact, Gabby pressing gently on his skin. "Jeez, Matt." She breathed out, shaking her head slightly.
"Yeah, I know." He responded, her eyes flashing up to meet his. "I should've been paying closer attention, I was just distracted…" Matt trailed off, Gabby pursing her lips together, knowing full well what had caused his mind to be elsewhere. "I smashed it pretty hard, might've broken something if not for the gloves." He mused, Gabby nodding in agreement. "I was gonna have you look at it, but since I beat you here I just patched it up myself." He told her, nodding his head back to the table, Gabby looking over his shoulder to see a box of her supplies; the first-aid kit of her own creation, sitting out on the table, some of its contents broken in to and left out.
"Let me get you actually patched up." She spoke with a slight smile, a similar one gracing his face. "You gave it a good effort, but you can definitely tell a firefighter fixed you up." She teased, Gabby feeling thankful when a light chuckle escaped his lips. She led him over to the table, nodding for him to sit down before she came to stand in front of him, standing in between his legs as she kept one hand holding up his own, the other searching through her things to find the antibiotic ointment she knew he hadn't used.
"Where were you, anyway?" He asked as she began applying the cream over his broken skin, her eyes glancing to him before focusing back on her task.
"Just needed to get out of the house." She responded vaguely, her tongue poking out between her teeth as she began wrapping his finger. He gave her a nod, deciding not to press the issue as he watched her movements. "All done." She spoke, dropping the hold on his hand, giving him the chance to inspect her work as she began putting her supplies away.
"Thank you." He murmured, his eyes following her as she began to move around the apartment, throwing away her trash and the remains of his first attempt at wrapping his wound in the kitchen.
He watched as she pressed her palms into the counter, her body tensing momentarily as she drew in a deep breath, Matt pushing himself up from his seat and beginning the walk towards her.
"So, uh, I've been thinking about going to see the Chaplain again." She spoke softly after they'd been quiet for a few moments, Matt stopping about a foot away from her. Gabby looked up to him, seeing his eyes on her. "I haven't seen him in awhile, I didn't even realize but it's been about a month since I've been over there." She mused, Matt nodding softly. "He doesn't know about the baby or anything…" She saw Matt's body involuntarily tense at the mention of their child, Gabby trying to mask the pain on her face.
"Okay." He responded softly.
"I'm gonna call and see if I can see him the day after tomorrow, I think it'll help me, to talk through everything with him." She explained, Matt giving her a sad smile.
Despite how he was feeling right now, he knew how hard this was on her. He knew how much she was struggling with the decision she made, her near panic attack early this morning telling him all he needed to know about how much this was affecting her.
"I think that'll be good. I know how much talking with him helps you." He responded softly.
"Yeah…" She spoke, her hands clenching the counter underneath her grasp, Matt knowing there was something else on her mind, something she was trying to say. "Would you, uh- would you wanna go with me? We'll both be off shift." His eyebrows raised in surprise, not expecting the question.
"Oh…"
"I just thought that it might help us." She began, seeing his initial reaction. "I know you need time, and I'll give you however much space you need. But, I don't know, maybe if we could just go and lay it all out there, with someone who could make sure we don't get sidetracked… It could at least help knowing where we stand." She spoke hopefully, Matt taking a deep breath, knowing she wasn't going to like his answer.
"I don't know… I think we both know exactly where the other stands." He responded quietly, glancing down to the ground, missing the look of hurt that flashed over her face. "That's the problem."
His eyes moved back up towards her, guilt flooding through him as he saw the unshed tears shining in her eyes. "Sorry, I just- us going there now is only going to end in a fight, and I don't want that."
"Okay." She responded quietly, blinking furiously to wash away the water gathering in her eyes.
"I'm still in the same place, nothing has changed for me yet. And going to talk with Chaplain, I don't know, I just think it'll be the same fight we've already had. If it's just you, at least then you'll be able to work through whatever you need to." He explained quietly, Gabby nodding as she looked forward.
"Yeah, no that's fine. It was just an idea." She told him, flashing him an unconvincing smile.
His eyes fell closed, Matt taking the last few steps towards her, stopping just inches from her, Gabby turning her head back to look at him.
"I'm not trying to make this difficult, I'm really not. I know how much this is affecting you and it's not my intention to make this harder than it already is…" He spoke, reaching out to place his hand over hers.
"I know." She whispered, Matt bringing his free hand up to cradle the side of her face. "This isn't fair to you, and I don't want to push you. I just thought it might help us." Her voice was timid, Matt knowing the uncertainty of everything was weighing heavily on her, as it was him.
"Maybe once I have a better grip on this, we can go see him together. But right now I just- I don't think I can." He spoke honestly, squeezing her hand. "But you should go. There's a lot that's happened, it'll be good for you to talk to him." He ran his thumb over her cheek one last time before dropping his hand, repositioning it at his side.
"Yeah." She responded quietly, glancing down to their conjoined hands. Bringing her free one to rest on top of theirs, she looked back up at him. "I know I keep saying it, but I am so sorry for this, Matt. I swear, I never intended for any of this to happen."
"I know you didn't." He whispered with a sad smile. "You don't need to keep apologizing. It is what it is, now it's up to me to be okay with it."
"Matt…"
"It's fine. And I'm trying, I am. It's just gonna take time." He saw her falter at the word, Matt sighing heavily. "I wish I could give you more than that, I wish I knew how long it was gonna take for me to accept this. I know things with us are… up in the air, right now. And I don't want them to be. But I have to be able to come to terms with this pregnancy, and I haven't. And until I do, I don't know where that leaves us." He explained, Gabby unable to hide the sadness in her eyes. "I would give anything to have a better answer than that for you, but I don't."
She nodded slowly, dropping the hold she hand on his hand, hearing Matt sigh at her side.
"I am trying, Gabby."
"I know you are. I do." She assured him. "And I'll give you whatever time you need. I know you don't want to keep hearing my apologies, but I need you to know I do wish I never had to ask you to be okay with this. I'd give anything for this not to be our situation right now… but I just can't get rid of this baby. I'm sorry me choosing that means going against what you want, I wish it wasn't like this."
Nodding slowly, Matt remained quiet, not sure how to respond to her words. He didn't want this to turn into another blow up between them, and he knew if they kept talking about this baby that's exactly where they'd end up. So he didn't say anything, all he did was lean forward, placing a gentle kiss to her forehead, knowing how calming she found the simple action in the past.
He didn't know what to do to fix this, he didn't know how to make himself be okay with the situation they've found themselves in. He didn't know how to deal with the growing feeling of anger in the pit of his stomach. But he knew he had to try, or it would destroy them.
Kelly walked through the halls of 51, cigars in hand as he followed the familiar path to the bunkroom. Walking into the vacant room, he looked over to see Casey exactly where he knew he'd be, holed up in his office behind a closed door. Matt's demeanor hadn't changed much from last shift, the man still keeping to himself, locked up away in his office except for on calls. But now that Kelly knew the reason behind it, he was determined to help his friend through this. He planned on keeping his word to Gabby, wanting Matt to know he had someone he could turn to. Someone who didn't need the explanations of what happened; a person he could vent to about anything weighing on his mind.
Tapping on the glass gently, he opened the door as Casey turned his head around, Severide pushing the door all the way open.
"Need something, Sev?"
Wordlessly, Kelly held up his hand holding the two cigars, a small grin covering his features as he nodded towards the exit.
"It's like twenty degrees outside." Matt commented with raised eyebrows.
"Exactly, so no one will bother us. Come on." He prompted, leaving before Matt could say no. The firefighter sitting at his desk huffed out a breath, reluctantly pushing himself up and following the direction Kelly just took, catching up with him quickly as they walked towards the exit.
The two men quickly found themselves perched on the front of squad's rig, the cold air blowing in from the open garage door as they leaned their weight against the truck, the brisk temperature ensuring they were alone as Kelly lit their cigars
"So, what is it?" Matt asked after a few puffs, Kelly turning to look at him with a confused glance. "You brought me out here for a reason, what do you want to talk about?"
"Gabby told me what's been going on… everything that's happened to you guys." He spoke hesitantly, seeing the immediate shift in demeanor from his friend. Casey's body tensed, Matt shaking his head slowly as he pulled the cigar from between his lips.
"Of course she did." He muttered, crossing his legs as his defeated form sulked against the cold metal.
"You're mad at her for telling me?" Kelly questioned, surprised by Matt's reaction.
"I'm not mad, but it's just another thing she's leaving me out of." He breathed out. "She made this decision without me, after we promised each other we wouldn't. She went and started telling people without me; you and her Chief, after we decided we weren't going to. She's doing all of this without me, without taking what I want or what we agreed on into consideration." He explained frustratedly, his hand clenched in a fist at his side.
"Okay, the decision about keeping the baby aside, you can't be mad she told her boss. It's for her own safety, man. He needs to know if she's gonna be out working." He reasoned.
"I'm not mad." Matt reiterated, but Severide ignored him.
"And her telling me, she was desperate Matt." Kelly explained, Casey glancing over to him. "When she was telling me everything you all have gone through with this, she looked so broken. This is really messing with her, and I know it is with you too. But she only told me because she's worried about you." Kelly spoke, Matt's hard gaze faltering. "She wanted to know someone was looking out for you, because she doesn't think you want her to right now."
"What do you mean?"
Sighing deeply, Kelly took another drag of his cigar before responding. "From what I could tell, she doesn't really know where she stands with you right now. She seemed lost, like she wants to help you but doesn't know how. She doesn't know if you want her to." He clarified, Matt frowning as he turned his head to look out the garage. "She said you want space from her, so she's trying to give it to you. But she's worried, so she came to me."
Matt merely nodded, refusing to look towards his friend as he brought the cigar up to his lips, a thick silence settling around them for a few moments, Kelly knowing he just needed to wait for Matt to get his thoughts together.
"It's not that I want space from her, it's that I need it. I need space from all of it. Because right now, all I feel when I look at her is pain." He admitted softly, his eyes focused on the icy driveway. "And it's not just because of her making this decision, it's not because she wants to keep the baby... it's because I know there's a very real possibility I might lose her. And I'm not okay with that."
"But you're okay with losing your child?" Kelly questioned, Matt's head snapping towards him, his narrowed glare landing on Severide.
"Don't tell me, you too?" Matt asked exasperatedly, shaking his head in disbelief. "You're completely fine with this, too, aren't you?"
"Matt-"
"No. You, Gabby, Antonio- all of you think I'm crazy for how I'm feeling right now. You all are so damn shocked that I'm choosing Gabby's life over this baby." He was getting worked up, hints of anger coming through in his words. But Kelly remained calm, simply shaking his head.
"No, I don't think your crazy Matt. And, I can't speak for Antonio, but I know Gabby doesn't either. All of us understand why you feel the way you do."
"Gabby doesn't." He muttered bitterly, his gaze falling to the ground. "She doesn't understand me putting her above this baby that isn't even born yet. She doesn't get it."
"Get what?" Kelly prompted, knowing Matt needed to get this off his chest before he spiraled even further.
But Matt sidestepped the question, sighing as his shoulders deflated. "I know she's afraid. And after everything that happened with our first baby, and then Louie- she's terrified of something happening to this baby. But she doesn't understand that without her, I have nothing." He admitted quietly, Kelly's heart breaking as he heard the pain in Matt's voice. "She's my everything. She's my family, she's the most important person to me and I can't risk losing her. As much as I want this baby, I'm not willing to jeopardize her life for it."
"And you've told her that?"
"Yup." Matt replied in defeat. "She knows where I stand, that this isn't what I want. But she's made her choice and I have to be okay with it."
Kelly let the air settle around them for a few moments, giving Matt the chance to calm his nerves before speaking up again. "When her and I were talking, she sounded like she wasn't sure if this is actually what you wanted. That you don't really want her to get this abortion."
"Of course I don't want her to get an abortion. She is right, I don't want any of this, I wish this wasn't the situation we're in. But it is. To me, there's no other option... And maybe she has a point, who knows what terminating this pregnancy would do to us… But at least there still would be an us." He breathed out in frustration. "But she doesn't think I'd actually be able to go through with us getting an abortion, if we even decided on that. She doesn't see my side of this, or she's refusing to, and she's using the idea that I don't actually want this as an excuse for her making this choice for us." He muttered bitterly. "I'm not sure how I'm the crazy one here, because I actually value her life, but it doesn't matter. I have no choice but to be okay with this."
"Do you really think she doesn't see where you're coming from? Because the way she was talking, she knows exactly why you're not okay with this..."
"But does that really make it any better? Whether she actually doesn't understand, or she's choosing to disregard it, it doesn't change anything."
"You and I both know that's not true." Kelly responded, adjusting himself on the ledge. "She understands why this is hard for you, she knows why you need time to be okay with this. She knows what's at risk here, she's not disregarding it on purpose. It just seems that she feels like she doesn't have any other choice."
Matt didn't respond to his friend's statement, choosing to take another puff of his cigar and focus his attention to the snow starting to fall in front of them.
"Did she tell you we could lose the baby, too?" Matt asked suddenly, looking over in time to see Kelly nodding sadly, Matt huffing out a heavy breath.
"She did."
"And then what? What would've been the point of this? She would've done all this for absolutely nothing." He spoke sadly, shaking his head. "Actually it would be worse than nothing because my entire world would get ripped away from me. And she doesn't care."
"Matt, you can't be serious. Of course she cares." Kelly interjected, but Matt just shrugged.
"I want to believe that, but it doesn't really feel like it. She was never going to take what I wanted into consideration, no matter what losing her would do to me. She made this decision without me. She's not able to look past her wanting this baby, and I just have to be okay with it. All I can do is hope and pray that nothing goes wrong, even though there's a ticking time bomb in her stomach."
"But this is more than her just wanting this kid, you have to know that." Kelly tried to reason, Matt sighing softly. "She can't lose another child, Matt. You can't hold that against her."
"That's the problem." Casey muttered, Severide turning his head to look at him. "I don't hold any of this against her. I'm not mad at her for any of it. I understand why she doesn't feel like she can get an abortion, I get why she's so attached to this baby. But she's never even considered what I want in all this. She's knowingly going against what I want, she made up her mind before we even had a chance to talk about it. Gabby's making all the decisions for us, and we're falling right back into the same mess that tore us apart in the first place. Her deciding everything and me being forced to follow along. But now it's affecting her life, and I can't sit back and be okay with that."
"Have you talked to her about it?"
Nodding, Matt answered softly. "We have. She keeps saying how sorry she is, that she never meant for this to happen. That she didn't want this to be a decision she made for us. But it still happened. And I know she feels guilty, but she still willingly jumped into this with no regard for what I wanted. And here I was, thinking we had actually been making progress..."
"You don't believe her? That she didn't mean for it to be like this?" Kelly asked, Matt shaking his head sadly.
"No, I do. I believe her. I know she never meant for this to happen. And I don't blame her, it's not her fault we got pregnant… but it doesn't change the fact that this is exactly the problem we had last year. She still made this decision by herself, even though she knows it impacts both of us. And now I have to force myself to be okay with the possibility of this killing her."
Blowing out a sigh, Kelly's tongue ran over his bottom lip, clearing his throat before responding. "You're holding onto a lot of anger, Casey." He spoke, Matt finding his gaze. "And I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling it. This is a terrible situation to be in. But all this anger you have, whether it's directed towards Gabby or not, it's affecting her. It's affecting you all." He stated, Matt's mouth opening as if he was going to respond but he quickly closed it. "You have to accept that this is the situation. You have to be able to accept her apology, and accept that she never meant for this to happen. You can't keep coming back to it, it'll only make this harder. It'll make you resent her, if you can't find a way to let it go." Kelly's words filled his ears, Matt trying to process exactly what was being told to him as they sat there. "You need to be able to let go of all of it. All this anger you have, it's going to destroy you guys if you can't find a way to be okay with this. I'm not saying it's fair to you, that you have to be the one to give in and accept the decision she's made, but if you can't it's going to ruin you guys."
"But what if I'm not able to?" Matt voiced quietly, Kelly hearing the fear in his voice. "I want to not be angry about this. I want to want this baby, and accept this is the situation. But what if I can't?"
Taking a deep breath, Kelly responded. "You're struggling with this because you can't accept the possibility of losing her. You're upset and you're angry because you know there's a chance you might… but if you don't figure out your place in this, if you're not able to come to terms with it, you could lose her anyway." He spoke bluntly, knowing those words were some of the last Matt wanted to hear, but he needed to hear them.
Casey fell silent, not knowing how to respond to what Kelly had just told him. He needed time to wrap his mind around everything, to try and figure out himself in all this. But deep down he knew Kelly was right.
"She needs you, man." Kelly voiced quietly after a few quiet moments. "But if this isn't something you're able to come to terms with, you need to tell her. Because dragging it out will only make it worse."
Before either man could respond, the bells rang throughout the house, calling squad and ambo to a rescue downtown. Their conversation was immediately halted, Matt pushing himself off the front of the rig and moving to the side, tuning out the hustle and bustle around him, unable to focus on anything other than what Kelly had told him.
"So, it's been awhile." the Chaplain spoke with a small smile, looking at the woman across from him. At first glance, he knew something was on her mind; that it had been for awhile. With her timid posture, her hands clasped tightly together in her lap, the almost apprehensive look covering her face. Something had happened to have her come back here, he just didn't know what.
"Yeah… I didn't even realize it had been this long. There's just been a lot going on." She mused, the Chaplain nodding as he crossed his legs, leaning back into his chair, figuring they were in for a long talk.
"Like what?"
Blowing out a heavy sigh, she shrugged lightly, her eyes focused on her hands. "I don't even know where to start."
"The beginning would probably be best." He encouraged, Gabby lifting her eyes to find a gentle smile waiting for her.
"Well, I guess that would be after I left you last time?" She began, her voice soft. "And you were right, by the way." His interest piqued, trying to remember exactly what he'd told her when she was last here. "Us not having dealt with the baby situation, that's what was bothering Matt."
"So you all talked about it?" He questioned, Gabby nodding slowly. "And how did that go?"
"At the time, it went okay." She responded, her wording confusing him. But she gave him no time to question it as she continued speaking. "But then a few weeks ago, I was involved in an accident at work."
"What happened?" He asked with furrowed brows.
"My partner and I got trapped in an elevator while on a call, a cable had snapped and we fell a few floors, and I started having a panic attack while we were trapped. None of us were hurt; well, I needed some stitches on my face, but everyone was okay. It was just… being trapped in there, it freaked me out and made me panic."
"That's understandable. Especially considering everything you've been through, there's no shame in that."
"I know, that's what Matt said." She replied, her words eliciting a small smile from the older man across from her. "Thankfully, 51 is who responded to the call to get us out. Matt was able to calm me down while I was in there, so it didn't get any worse."
"And you're okay from that?" He questioned, Gabby nodding.
"I am… I didn't have any flashbacks to my attack or anything like that when I was trapped in there. And I haven't had any nightmares since." She explained, the Chaplain giving her a warm smile.
"That's great, Gabby." He praised. "For you to be able to get through that, I'm proud of you."
"Thank you." She murmured, clenching her hands together tightly. "But, uh, after that happened Matt wanted me to go to the hospital to get checked out, make sure everything was okay." Gabby saw the way the Chaplain's jaw tightened, the man understanding by the tone in her voice that there was more to this story. "And, uh- I'm pregnant."
Chaplain Orlovsky's eyes widened in surprise, his eyebrows rising as he watched her closely. Under any other circumstances, he knew how exciting this would be for the couple, how they've always wanted a family together. But he also knew the situation, and that this was not as easy as being thrilled at the idea of bringing a child into this world.
"Oh, Gabby." He murmured softly, seeing the tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you or Matt had planned on." He told her, Gabby shaking her head.
"No, it's not." She voiced softly, the sound barely audible.
"Have you two decided what you're gonna do?"
"We decided- or I guess I decided that we'd be keeping the baby." She responded, the Chaplain's head tilting to the side slightly.
"I take it Matt doesn't want to." He replied knowingly, Gabby shaking her head.
"No, he doesn't. He doesn't want to risk something happening to me." She explained, the Chaplain nodding sadly. "When we first found out, we agreed we wouldn't decide on anything until after I had my appointment with a new doctor I'd found. We wanted to come to a decision together, wait until we had all the information until trying to figure out what to do."
"But the appointment didn't clear up much, did it?"
"No, it didn't. I still have the aneurysm. It's smaller than I was originally told, but it's still there and still dangerous. I could still die if I have this baby, and Matt can't accept that."
"What happened?"
"I had every intention of us deciding this together, I really did. But then I heard our baby's heartbeat." She whispered, a lone tear falling down her cheek. "I saw mine and Matt's child, and as soon as I did I just knew I had to do anything I could to protect them. But Matt, he can't get past the chance of something happening to me. He's afraid, and I don't blame him. I'm so scared, but our child is healthy. They're growing, and everything is as it should be; I can't be the reason something happens to them. I can't choose to end their life just to save mine. Not after losing two children already."
"What did Matt say?"
Blowing out a heavy sigh, one of her hands subconsciously moved to her stomach, the other resting on her leg as she responded. "We got into a huge fight, we're even farther apart of what to do now than we were before seeing my doctor. But we were going back and forth, and then he just gave up. He said that I'd made up my mind and he just had to be okay with it. That I didn't care what he wanted, I had already made my decision. Then he walked out." The surprise was evident on the Chaplain's face, Gabby continuing before he could ask for more details. "He came back a while later, and said he needed time to accept this pregnancy and everything it means. Because he's not okay with what I'm asking of him, and he needs time to deal with it. He needs space if we're gonna make it through this, so I'm giving it to him."
Sighing softly, the Chaplain spoke. "Has he been at home?"
"Physically, yeah. But mentally, it's like he's somewhere else all the time. I try not to push him, but it's like he can't be around me. He won't even sleep in the same bed as me. And anytime we are together, it feels like he's forcing himself to. That he's doing it for my sake, because I already kind of had a breakdown over what this meant for us… so he's trying to be there for me when he sees I need it. But other than that, it's like he's a million miles away."
"So you two haven't been spending much time together?"
"No, not really. I mean, it's only been four days since the appointment and all this started and we haven't really been together much. And if we are, we'd been fighting. Or tiptoeing around each other to avoid a fight. We've only had one real conversation that didn't result in tears or a fight. But even then, I could tell he was holding back, like he wanted to say more but didn't want it to end in a fight. And then we both were on shift yesterday, and once he got done this morning I got a text from him saying that he had to run a few errands, so I wasn't even able to see him before I came here. But even when we are together, it feels like we might as well not be because he's checked out. And I know I can't pressure him. He's trying, he told me himself he's trying to be okay with this. All of this, it isn't fair to him and I have no right to dictate how he deals with this, but it feels like part of him is mad at me. That he blames me for this entire thing."
"Did he say that?"
"No. He said he wasn't mad. That it was just the situation, but it feels like he's angry with me. And he made a comment about how 'I got what I wanted'." She nearly whispered. "He said he didn't mean it as him blaming me or thinking I did this on purpose, but I can't help but think he does, at least partially." She spoke helplessly, shaking her head.
"I know this is an impossible situation, but you have to trust what he says, Gabby." He chastised softly, Gabby sniffling before intaking a sharp breath.
"It just feels like I'm losing him, and I don't know what to do."
"Gabby," He started, breathing deeply. "I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but all you can do is continue what you've been doing. You have to give him the time and space he's asking for." The Chaplain spoke. "You said yourself, you made this decision for the both of you. After you promised each other you'd do it together, you didn't. And I'm not saying you didn't have a good reason, because you did. But it still happened. You have to let him come to terms with it on his own. You're asking him to accept something he's obviously against, he's gonna need time." Gabby nodded slowly at him. She had known all along there wasn't much else she could do, but hearing it from someone else just cemented the knowledge that all she could do was wait. "You can't ask for more than that. You've got to let him accept this in his own time, if you want this to work."
"I know… I have to just let him be. But it's hard. This is something that we should be so happy about, that we should be experiencing together. But it's like he wants no part of it. And I know it's because of the situation, but it hurts." She whispered, another tear escaping down her cheek.
"I can't imagine what this is like for you two. I wish this never happened, and that this was something you two could be happy about together. But all you can do is give it time, Gabby. And hopefully he'll come around."
Gabby nodded, more tears falling down her skin as she sat there in the comfort of his office. She knew all she could do was wait this out. She had to let Matt set the pace, and she had to be the one to follow his lead. But she could only hope he came around sooner rather than later, and that their child wouldn't be the thing to send their relationship crashing to the ground.
Well, how are we feeling? Things don't seem to be getting much better for Matt and Gabby. Gabby's barely holding it together, Matt's angry even though he's trying not to be. We'll see where it goes from here...
I know a lot of you were looking forward to the Gabby/Kelly part and honestly so was I. I always loved Gabby and Kelly's friendship on the show, it's something I wish we could've seen more of (on the long, long list of things I wish would've happened on the show). So I was really excited to write a scene with them, it was definitely a little self-serving for me.
One thing that I do love is that in your reviews, I've seen a lot of people not knowing who they think is more in right here, and how they feel for both of them. And that's exactly how I wanted it to come across. It's like you don't know who to feel worse for, and that was my exact intention. So I'm glad to know it's coming across how I meant it to. This is a terrible situation to be in, neither Matt nor Gabby are wrong for how they're feeling or what they want and they both have the right to feel how they are. I'm glad, for the most part, that everything's coming across as I meant. I was a little worried of some thinking that Gabby was being selfish (especially because for some reason that was always the go-to whenever anything happened on the show, is that Gabby was automatically labeled as selfish but that's another issue altogether), so it just makes me glad that my intentions are coming across as I mean for them to. I don't know if this even makes sense, but seeing your alls reviews, it makes me feel like I'm doing a good job.
Real quick, I also just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who leaves me such sweet comments in their reviews, about my writing and this story. It truly means the world to me, and makes it so much easier for me to keep this going. And to those who have mentioned how appreciative they are for my updates, that means a lot as well. For as much as I love writing, sometimes it's kind of difficult to keep up the pace I've been updating, but hearing how appreciative you all are means so much. I write this story for you all, and to know how many of you value not only this story, but the work I put into it, I can't even put into words how important that is to me. You all are truly the best, most supportive humans and I cannot thank you enough for reading my work, and the constant encouragement you all give me. It means everything.
Thank you for reading! I can't wait to hear what you thought of this one! Until next time.