Hello my lovely readers. Here's another chapter for you guys, I hope you enjoy!
Chapter Thirty Three
Gabby quietly sat tucked into the corner of the couch, a blanket loosely thrown over her lap. The sound of the TV softly filled the room, but if someone were to ask her what she was watching, she'd have no idea. Because she hadn't been focused on the screen, she was focused on Matt, watching as he moved back and forth through the apartment gathering up the supplies needed to fix the problem he and Severide had created a few days prior.
Although no serious damage had been caused, Gabby was less than impressed the night she came home from shift to find Severide mentioning how Matt could "...just put up a picture over it, Dawson will never know.", the two men looking guilty as she entered the room. After some explaining, Gabby had found out that Severide had come over an hour prior, the two hanging out before Kelly had the genius idea to start throwing around a football in the house. As it went on, their simple game of catch turned into a competitive one that resulted in Kelly's shoulder slamming into the wall that separated the kitchen and living room, leaving a sizable dent and some cracked paint. It wasn't anything too damaging, and it did nothing to hurt the structural integrity of the place, Gabby admittedly finding the whole thing funny as they sheepishly stood there explaining the incident. No harm had been caused, and truthfully it made her happy to know Matt was able to let loose and have fun, even if it was just a short game of catch with his friend. That hadn't really been the case around here lately, and Gabby couldn't be mad at him for having a good time, not when it was the first time she'd seen a genuine smile on his face in nearly two weeks. If anything, had she come home to damage done to their home, she would've expected it been done out of anger, not joy. So in the end, she found herself feeling grateful for the little dent in their wall.
A dent that Matt had made it his mission to fix. Despite the reasoning behind Kelly's suggestion to just cover it, his idea hadn't been a bad one. It was nothing that needed to be repaired right now, and Gabby wouldn't have cared to just throw up some art to hide it for the time being. But Matt brushed off those ideas, saying it was a simple fix and he could have it repaired in no time.
And now here he was a few days later, his tools set out systematically across the apartment, Matt completely focused on the task at hand. So focused that he hadn't noticed Gabby's eyes on him for the better part of the last half hour. She was grateful for the moment to just watch him, to see him totally immersed in something that he enjoyed. It was a nice change of pace, one that she didn't want to take for granted.
In the almost two weeks that had passed since their appointment with Dr. Tanner, the only way Gabby knew how to describe everything with her and Matt right now would be stagnant. There had been no major fights or disagreements, but there hadn't been many happy moments either. There hadn't been much of anything happening between them. There had been some highs and lows, both individually and together, but for the most part, they were two passing ships. It almost felt as if they were two strangers living together.
And Gabby was slowly losing her mind.
She missed him. She missed him like crazy. She missed the quiet moments, the happy moments, the moments of anger; she missed all of it. She wanted Matt back, and right now her Matt wasn't here. At this point, she'd take the yelling and fighting over what their lives had become. He'd shut down, from her at least, and that had resulted in some of the longest and most stressful days of her life.
He only spoke to her when it was necessary, or when the silence had become too much for her and she needed to talk to him, but even then their conversations were superficial at best. He'd started sleeping in their room again, but he would come to bed late at night and be gone by the time she woke up. And that was where their physical contact started and ended. There'd been a few kisses, maybe a hug or two, but nothing anywhere near the level of passion and comfort they'd grown accustomed to. In fact, Gabby was sure the couple of times Matt had initiated those moments, it was out of sheer force of habit instead of actual want. It was nothing substantial, nothing that gave Gabby any hope that they were making progress. They were becoming two people living two different lives. And she couldn't stand it.
Looking back on it, since that day Gabby came home to find him in the kitchen with his injured hand, she could only recall one conversation between them that held any significance, albeit it wasn't the most pleasant of memories.
Gabby pushed open the door to their apartment, unable to see much as she walked in the front door, but based on the sound coming from the TV she figured Matt had made it home. Her talk with the Chaplain had worn her out, Gabby feeling like right now all she needed was a nap. Preferably, a nap with Matt by her side, but she knew the chances of that were slim.
Locking their front door behind her, she placed her purse down on the small table in their entryway before walking further inside, seeing Matt perched in the middle of the couch, his focus on the screen in front of him.
"Hey." She called softly, coming to stand beside the couch, glancing down to him as he looked up at her, Gabby swallowing thickly as she saw the blank look on his face. "How was your shift?" She asked, choosing to sit in the chair instead of beside him on the couch, his rigid demeanor telling her to keep her distance.
"Fine." He responded shortly, Gabby's eyebrows furrowing. She knew he was mad, or at the very least, annoyed, but she didn't know why. Before they'd gone to their shifts, they'd been relatively okay. Okay as in nothing had happened between them. So she wasn't sure what had happened to make him look at her like he was.
Sensing her confusion, Matt blew out a sigh. "So, we're telling people about your pregnancy?"
It only took her mere moments to understand where his frustration was coming from, Gabby bringing her hand up to rub over her forehead, sighing heavily. "Matt…"
"Guess I must've missed that decision, too." He bit out, running his teeth over his bottom lip. "So, Kelly knows. Are we telling the firehouse next?"
"Matt, please stop." She pleaded, already exhausted from this conversation and it had barely started. "I told Kelly because I'm worried about you. I wanted to know you had someone to turn to, someone you wouldn't have to explain everything to... I was trying to help." She spoke defeatedly, pressing firmly against her forehead. "I'm sorry, I should've asked you first."
Watching her closely, he felt a rush of guilt settle in his stomach, knowing he was being an ass. She meant well, she always did. And he couldn't help but hear Severide's words ringing in his head. "No, I'm sorry." He breathed out, causing her to look at him. "I should've just asked you about it, instead of being a dick." He apologized softly. "I'm just…"
"You're angry." She supplemented, Matt's eyebrows furrowing at her. Either her and Kelly had been talking, or he really was just that transparent. Although she always had been able to read him better than anyone else, and he knew he wasn't exactly keeping his feelings a secret.
"Not at you." He clarified, knowing she was worried about that. If her breakdown a few mornings ago was any indication, she still held onto that fear. "Just at, well everything." He admitted, seeing a sad smile come to her face.
"I know." She whispered, her voice barely audible.
Silence had filled the air around them, neither knowing what to say. They sat there uncomfortably for a few moments, Gabby finding herself wishing she'd stayed away a little longer.
"So, uh, how do you want to handle that?" He questioned, trying to move past the uneasy feeling in the room. "We said we'd wait until we came to a decision, and we're, uh, keeping this baby…" It was the first time she'd heard him say those words out loud when it wasn't done in anger, Matt clearing his throat before continuing. "So I didn't know if you wanted to start telling people."
"I'd rather wait until I'm through my first trimester, if that's okay with you." She replied, Matt nodding softly. "Just to make sure everything goes okay. I know Dr. Tanner said everything was fine, and there's no reason to think anything will happen… but just in case something does." Her voice lowered to a whisper, the thought sending shivers through her spine.
"Okay."
"But, uh, also if you're still needing time, when we get there, I'm fine with waiting… I know I won't be able to hide it forever, but I'm okay with waiting until you've figured everything out, if that's what you want to do. We'll have some time, so it's up to you."
Shrugging lightly, he responded. "It doesn't really matter, whatever you wanna do is fine."
"It does matter." She spoke, folding her hands in her lap. "I want this to be what you want to do, too."
Matt knew she was trying. That she was trying to involve him in whatever she could, in what he seemed interested in being apart of, because of how they ended up here. He could see how hard she was trying to make up for the choice she made for them.
Breathing deeply, he caught her gaze again. "How about we plan on letting people know once you're past the first trimester, then. And if for some reason, we get there and change our minds, we'll talk about it." He offered, seeing a smile fall onto her face.
"That works for me."
Matt simply nodded, giving her a weak smile before pushing himself up from the couch, muttering something about getting something to eat, the man soon disappearing from her view.
And they hadn't had a conversation of any importance since.
She felt like they'd hit a wall, and every day the outcome of how this was going to play out felt a little bleaker. In the back of her mind, a voice kept telling her that they wouldn't survive this. That what they were now, that's how their relationship would always be. Or worse, there'd be no relationship at all. Despite her best efforts to push those draining thoughts away, with every passing day it became harder and harder for her to see any bright side in all of this.
But if there was an upside at all, it would be that, with others at least, Matt's old self was starting to come back. It wasn't all the time, and it wasn't for very long, but according to Kelly, Matt had stopped hiding away in his office during shift. He'd actually started spending some time with the other firefighters again, and although Kelly said he wouldn't engage in conversation often, it was a start. And when he'd be alone with his coworkers, or Kelly, there'd be flashes of the old Matt. Like his night at the apartment with Severide, Gabby hadn't seen him that happy since before telling him she was pregnant. Granted, as soon as Kelly left, the light seemed to fade in his eyes and that genuine smile she missed so much disappeared, not to be seen since. But it was a start. It was a sign that he was able to be himself again, to be carefree and not in a constant state of worry and quiet.
The only problem was, he hadn't managed to break out of that with her yet. With her, it was all distance and apprehension. They'd tip toe around each other, Gabby afraid of saying something that would upset him, Matt practically unreadable to her now. But she refused to pressure him. No matter how much it was breaking her heart, she wouldn't push him. Not when she knew he still hadn't come to terms with this. And with their lack of communication lately, she wasn't sure if he was anywhere closer to being alright with her choice or not. But she didn't think she should ask, not when he was so adamant about what he needed from her. So she sat back and waited. Something she was admittedly terrible at. But it was the least she could do for him.
Although this 'giving him space' thing had been a thousand times harder than she could've ever imagined. She never knew what was okay and what wasn't, every day becoming more stressful than the last. There were some days Matt seemed a little more receptive to her, and others where it seemed like the last thing he wanted was to be around her. She knew part of her problem was all the hormones flooding her system, it had set her every emotion on edge as of late. It made her read into every move he made, whether there was intent behind it or not. But even disregarding that, it was clear Matt's definition of space meant avoiding her most of the time.
Still, she said nothing. She assured him she'd given him time to work this out, and she refused to break another promise to him. Even though every day it felt like another part of her was breaking, she did her best to give him what he wanted.
But, mentally, she was paying the price for that. On top of the normal stress of pregnancy, the circumstances around this baby made it all the worse. And adding everything with Matt to that, Gabby felt like she was comprised of nothing but stress, like she was about to snap at any moment. Which had resulted in frequent trips and calls to the Chaplain. In the past week alone, she knew she'd sought him out at least four times. It was the only thing she knew to do to keep herself grounded while Matt fought this internal battle. She was slowly crumbling, and the Chaplain had become the lifeline she needed to hold on until Matt was ready. He'd become the person she'd go to, because right now it seemed like she was out of options. Antonio had enough on his plate, and even though she knew he'd drop anything to help her, she didn't want to burden him. And while in the past, Brett had been one of the first people she'd turn to, that was far from the case now. And Matt, for obvious reasons, wasn't an option either. Jemma briefly crossed her mind, but there was so much her new friend didn't know about the situation, and the thought of having to explain everything right now sent her running in the other direction. So she turned to the Chaplain, him being a nonjudgmental ear for her to talk to, allowing her to get everything off her chest before it completely destroyed her.
The noise of metal on hardwood broke her from her trance, Gabby's eyes focusing to see Matt bend down to retrieve whatever he'd dropped, muttering a few choice words as he did so, before going back to his task like nothing had happened.
And even something as simple as that, Gabby couldn't help but read into. He hadn't even looked her way, making some joke as he picked up the lost tool, saying something that was sure to be met by a teasing response from her. There was none of that. It was as if there was no difference between her being here and her not; it was all the same to him. And maybe that's the tactic he'd chosen, pretending to be by himself even with her here. That thought alone felt like a sharp, stabbing pain slicing through her chest, Gabby forcing her thoughts elsewhere.
She knew there was no quick fix to what they were going through, that this situation was hard. Maybe the hardest thing they've ever faced together. But, selfishly, she just wished that whatever his decision was, he came to it quickly. She didn't know how much longer she could take the tense air around them. She couldn't bear the thought of this being what their relationship was for much longer, it was killing her.
She missed Matt more than she could put into words. She missed talking to him. She missed kissing him. She missed feeling him. She missed everything with him, and she couldn't help but wonder if he felt the same. She hoped he did. She hoped he was feeling the same way, but he just needed the time to accept everything. But she had no way of knowing, and even if she could find the courage to ask, she wasn't completely sure she wanted the answer.
Logically, she knew there was no reason to assume that any part of Matt was happy with where they were right now. That this was killing him just as much as it was her. She knew that. The only reason this was where they were was because of his inability to accept something happening to her. He wouldn't be fighting this hard if he didn't feel as if he had everything to lose. But emotionally, Gabby couldn't help the nagging thought away that this distance and space was Matt preparing himself for his decision. That he wouldn't be able to accept this and there would be no them anymore. That the reason he was still just as distant as he was two weeks ago, if not more so, was because he was getting ready for the inevitable. She couldn't push away the small voice in her head telling her that he'd gotten by without her before, and he'd be able to do it again.
The thought alone sprung tears to her eyes, a wave of nausea hitting her like a truck as she closed her eyes tightly, pressing her palms into her knees as she willed her stomach to settle. She wasn't sure if this feeling had been caused by the painful thoughts creeping into her mind, or the poorly-named morning sickness that had hit Gabby full force the past week. If she were to guess, she'd say it was a little of both. But as the minutes ticked by and the unsettling feeling in her stomach only worsened, she was understanding it was more the second one.
Over the last ten days, Gabby's morning sickness had proved to test her will as it crept up and refused to leave. Luckily, she hadn't been experiencing all the symptoms that sometimes came with this part of pregnancy, but the two most prominent ones were the fatigue and vomiting. It didn't even seem to be connected to smells or certain foods setting her off, it just happened at a moments notice and was relentless.
She felt the familiar feeling rising in her throat, stifling a gag as she hurriedly pushed the blanket off of her, practically heaving herself up from the couch as she rushed towards their bedroom.
"Gabby? You okay?" Matt asked as her movements caught his attention, causing him to stop what he'd been doing. But she wasn't able to explain as she brushed past him, her hand covering her mouth as she moved. Though she knew she didn't need to explain, Matt having seen this happen on more than one occasion, always coming to her aid if she needed. Despite however he felt about her, he was still Matt, still concerned as always for her well-being. Still needing to know she was physically alright.
She barely made it to the bathroom in time as she released the contents of her stomach into the toilet, her body expelling the dinner she'd eaten only an hour ago. She felt movement behind her, Matt pulling back her hair and keeping his other hand on her back as she hung over the toilet, her body heaving as it felt compelled to continue, even though there was nothing left in her stomach.
Once the worst of it had passed, she reached out for a piece of toilet paper, wiping the edges of her mouth before tossing it in and flushing the toilet, drawing in a shaky breath as she sat back on her heels.
"You okay?" Matt questioned softly from behind her, carefully dropping the hold he had on her hair.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm good." She responded, her voice hoarse from the retching. Matt nodded, although she couldn't see it, stepping back as she began to slowly push herself up from the ground, his hand dropping from her back as she moved.
He stood there and watched as she stepped towards the sink, pulling out her toothbrush and toothpaste, clearly needing to get the taste out of her mouth.
"Are you sure this is normal?" Matt voiced suddenly, drawing her attention away from the items in her hands, looking at him through the mirror. "I mean, I know morning sickness is… but you've been getting sick a lot, just from what I've seen. And I'm sure it's happened more than that. But I just- I want to make sure it isn't anything we need to be concerned about." He rambled, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. Gabby couldn't stop the small smile that fell to her lips as he spoke, feeling the comforting sense of normalcy as she listened to him.
"I think it is." She replied, clearing her throat after she spoke, grimacing slightly. "But I'm gonna talk to Dr. Tanner about it, just to be sure." Gabby continued, Matt nodding slowly.
To her surprise, he never moved from his spot while she quickly brushed her teeth, his feet firmly planted on the ground as he kept his eyes on her. She wasn't sure the reasoning, but she wasn't complaining, having missed his presence more than she would ever admit to him.
"Speaking of," She said after rinsing out her mouth, turning around to face him, leaning her body into the counter. "My appointment's the day after tomorrow." She spoke, Matt nodding in response, telling her he remembered. "And I know you'll just be getting off shift, you don't have to go if you don't want to, I don't want you to feel forced but I, uh, I would like you to be there, if you can." Her voice was timid, hoping his answer wouldn't be rejection.
"I'll go." He responded almost instantly, his response surprising her slightly.
"Really?"
"Yeah, I'll be there. It's at nine, right?" She simply nodded, not trusting her voice at the moment. "Okay, well I'll just stop by here and pick you up after shift, and we'll go over there."
"Alright." She replied softly, Matt flashing her a slight smile before nodding out the door.
"Well, I'm gonna try and finish up that wall before it gets too late. I'm gonna wait to paint though until you go to sleep, or maybe just do it a day you're on shift. Just to be safe." Matt commented softly, his eyes tracing her face. "You need anything?" He questioned, moving towards her to get to the door.
Shaking her head, she responded. "No, I'm okay."
Matt nodded in response, slowing his steps as he got in front of her, his smile growing slightly before he continued on. But he didn't get very far, Gabby instinctively reaching out to grab hold of his arm, Matt turning back towards her with his eyebrows raised. Before he could question her, she reached out, wrapping her arms around his back, holding herself to him tightly. His body was tense, at first, clearly not expecting her actions, but her body filled with relief the moment his muscles relaxed, his arms coming up to wrap around her. She wasn't sure if he was only doing this for her benefit or if he needed to contact as much as she did, but right now she didn't care. It was the closest they'd been in weeks. When she felt him press a soft kiss to the top of her head, her eyes fell closed, a content sigh leaving her lips as she tightened her hold on him.
For the first time in two weeks, she felt hopeful. She finally felt like maybe she had a reason to believe they were going to be okay.
Gabby bounced her leg up and down frantically as they sat in Dr. Tanner's office, her impatient nature getting the better of her as she and Matt waited. They'd arrived at their appointment nearly half an hour early, Matt still dressed in his shift clothes, not bothering to change as he'd made the decision to wait in the car for Gabby to come out when he picked her up. Their prompt arrival worked in their favor as they got back with the nurse fifteen minutes ahead of schedule, going through the same routine as last time. They'd taken her weight, checked her vitals, asked of her symptoms, and then left her and Matt in the exam room. It took barely ten minutes for their ultrasound technician to arrive, Gabby grateful to have Julie performing the test again. But she was even more thankful when she found out that she was having just a regular abdominal ultrasound today.
They saw their baby, the moment far too fleeting for Gabby's liking, but even in the few short minutes during the ultrasound she couldn't believe how much their child had grown in just two weeks. Although it wasn't a drastic difference, to Gabby it was everything, giving her the assurance she needed that their baby was thriving. The image combined with the comforting thud of the heartbeat brought tears to her eyes, Gabby continuously squeezing on the hand Matt surprisingly offered her before the exam. And once it was all over, they were brought back to Dr. Tanner's office, where they'd been waiting for almost forty five minutes.
And during that time, Matt hadn't said a word. He'd remained a quiet presence by her side, giving her reassuring touches of contact throughout the morning, but he'd gone silent. She did notice the unshed tears in his eyes during the ultrasound, but neither of them had commented on it, and now she was just waiting for him to speak up first.
Despite the small steps of progress that had been made over the last day or so; Matt initiating more contact between them, the couple having more conversations that weren't awkward or hard, Gabby still wasn't sure where she stood with him. She didn't know where his head was at, so until she was given the all clear, she still tried to give him what space she could.
Dr. Tanner rushing in with her tablet in hand snapped Gabby from her nervous headspace, the couple looking over as she came around her desk. "I'm sorry for the delay, I had an emergency with another patient."
"It's fine." Gabby replied with a soft smile, her hand resting over her still flat stomach.
"So, Gabby, Matt, it's good to see you again." She began. "You're around eight weeks along now, and according to your ultrasound baby is growing just as they should be." She spoke with a smile, looking up at the couple. "How have you been? You been feeling okay?" She questioned, turning her attention to Gabby.
"I've been feeling alright, just a little stressed." Gabby replied, Dr. Tanner nodding understandingly.
"Yes. I noticed your blood pressure was a little higher than I'd like," She spoke while tapping her screen, pulling up Gabby's file, "and you've actually lost half a pound since your last appointment, which is not what we like to see." Dr. Tanner glanced back towards Gabby, seeing a small frown resting on her face. "Have you been eating enough?"
"I have, it's just been hard to keep anything down. Between that and the stress, it's just been..." She trailed off with a grimace, Dr. Tanner flashing her a compassionate smile.
"Yeah, I saw where you said your morning sickness has been pretty rough. You've been getting sick frequently?" She asked for clarification, wanting to hear exactly what's been happening.
"Yeah, I have been. Probably at least four times a day during the last week."
"Any other symptoms along with that?"
"Mostly just fatigue. I'm really tired all the time. Sometimes I have headaches, but nothing too bad."
"It seems like you might have severe morning sickness. It usually starts showing a little earlier, but with the amount of times you're sick, and with how run-down you feel, I think that might be what it is. Normally, I'd assume you probably just caught a bug, I'd ask if you'd been in contact with anyone who's been sick, but with the nature of your job I know that's automatically a yes. But with how persistent this seems, I think you're just one of the unlucky ones who gets more severe morning sickness."
"Is that bad?" Matt asked, his voice rough from lack of use. "The severe morning sickness, is that something we need to be worried about?"
"As long as it doesn't progress too far into the pregnancy, it's of no harm to the baby. If we get well into your second trimester and it hasn't eased up, then there might be some cause for concern. But right now, it's fine. It's just not very fun on mom, though. And we need to try and find a way to help you keep your food down. I want you to try and stick to a more bland diet, see it that helps at all." Dr. Tanner replied, looking to Gabby. "And I know it's hard with your job, but you need to be getting as much rest as you can. Whenever you're not working, I want you sitting. And, again, with your job it's hard, but I need you to reduce the stressors in your life. It's not the cause, and I know with your situation, that's stressful enough, but any stress you can reduce, you need to. For you and your baby." She instructed, Gabby's head turning to look at Matt, seeing his gaze focused on the doctor.
"Speaking of," Dr. Tanner started, clearing her throat. "Have you two decided what you're going to do?"
Taking a deep breath, Gabby reached for Matt's hand that was resting in his lap, him giving it willingly. "We're keeping the baby."
Dr. Tanner's eyes flickered back and forth between the couple, seeing the cautious optimism shining across Gabby's face, and the complete and utter fear in Matt's. Nodding slowly, she smiled at both of them, trying to ease their worries. "Okay. Well, now that you've made your decision, it's up to me to keep both mom and baby healthy." She spoke lightly, Gabby squeezing his hand. "But I'm gonna need your help, the both of you. I'm serious about keeping the stress to a minimum. And resting as much as humanly possible. You need to make sure you're eating enough, and drinking enough water. And Matt, keep an eye on her, and make sure she's sticking to that." Dr. Tanner firmly spoke, the pair nodding.
"Now, I do believe I can get both you and baby through this pregnancy, but the further we get along, the more dangerous it becomes." She warned them, Matt's grip loosening on Gabby's hand, his spine straightening. "With the pressure your growing baby puts on your system, the later we get into this pregnancy is when we need to start actively watching your aneurysm."
"Will you still be watching it until then?" Matt questioned, dropping Gabby's hand and placing his back in his lap.
"Of course, yes. That is our biggest concern with this pregnancy, so we'll be keeping an eye on it." She assured him. "Luckily, Gabby, you're young and you're healthy, so that cuts down on a lot of the normal risks with pregnancy. Our main focus throughout this will be that aneurysm, and making sure nothing changes." Matt nodded, blowing out a soft sigh.
"Since this is your first pregnancy that you'll be carrying to term, we're gonna have to play it by ear, take it a week at a time. We don't know how your body is going to react to pregnancy yet, and the changes it'll go through. So we'll have to keep an eye on you. When we get further into your pregnancy, and your body starts adjusting, that's when we'll start measuring the aneurysm at the beginning of each appointment, to make sure it hasn't changed."
"How often do you need to see me?" Gabby asked, missing the comfort Matt's grasp had given her.
"Right now I want you to come back here every two weeks. I know it's not the most convenient thing, and it's a little unusual, but with the situation I want to see you frequently, and have consistently updated scans. Then the further along we get, it'll probably go to once a week. I'd feel most comfortable having you here as often as possible, and I'm sure it'll give you two peace of mind as well." Dr. Tanner spoke, Gabby glancing to Matt, seeing him nodding.
"And I'm still okay to work?"
"For now, yes. That is another thing we'll have to decide visit to visit. As long as you're feeling alright, I'm fine with it. But we'll probably have put you on leave earlier than normal, so your body can stay rested. We'll just have to see. But for now, as long as you continue to avoid the heavy lifting, it's fine."
"Alright."
"Do you have any more questions right now?" Dr. Tanner asked, glancing back and forth between the mentally exhausted looking couple. They exchanged looks, neither saying a word. She could see in their demeanor that despite their decision, they were worried. Matt especially, Dr. Tanner could see how hard he was taking this. "I know it's scary, and that there might be some days you're not so sure you're doing the right thing. But I promised you this before, and I'll do it again; I will do everything I can to get the three of you through this happy and healthy." Matt was the first to react, giving her a small appreciative smile, Gabby soon giving her a similar one. "But you've gotta help me out with that, and you can start by resting."
"I will." Gabby assured her.
"Good. Now, before you go, I do want to prescribe you some medication for the nausea. I know how terrible that can be, and with how frequently you've been getting sick, I think it'll help you, at least a little." Dr. Tanner spoke, pulling out her prescription pad. "And I know you're also on that medication for your anxiety, but I've looked at both the medications and they won't affect the other, so you don't need to worry about scheduling when you take them. But I recommend not using the nausea medicine unless you really need it."
"Okay, thank you." Gabby responded, Matt reaching out to grab the prescription as Dr. Tanner held it out, holding it in his grasp.
"Yeah, thanks doctor." Matt said softly, the woman nodding at both of them as they started to stand up.
"Of course. Don't be afraid to call if you have any more questions, or if something comes up. And make sure you schedule that appointment before you leave."
With another nod, Gabby said her goodbyes to Dr. Tanner, Matt following behind her as they walked through the maze that was this office, soon finding themselves back out at the front, Gabby moving towards the desk.
"Hey Debbie." Gabby greeted with a soft smile, the woman's grin widening.
"Hi Ms. Dawson, Mr. Casey." She replied back, reaching out to take Gabby's paper. "Back in two weeks again?"
Blowing out a sigh, Gabby nodded. "Yeah, seems like I'll be around here a lot until I have this baby." She responded, feeling Matt tense at her side.
Debbie nodded understandingly, the woman having heard bits and pieces about the couple's situation through her coworkers. And while she didn't have the whole story, she didn't need it to know how sad it was. "Well, two weeks from now looks to be about the 26th of February. I have an opening at 11:30, will that work?"
"Yes. And if not, we'll make it work." Gabby told her, Debbie nodding as she put her on the schedule, giving her a card with her appointment on it.
"Alright, well I'll see you then."
The two women exchanged goodbyes, Matt merely nodding as they left the office. They walked quietly out of the building, Matt keeping a firm hand on her back as they found their way outside, the chill in the air hitting them instantly.
"So, if you don't care, I figured I'd drop this off at the pharmacy before we go home, then I can run out and pick it up when it's ready." Matt voiced as they walked to the truck, his hand sliding from her back to her arm to keep her balanced as they maneuvered some patches of ice left over from the last storm.
"That's fine, but I don't care to wait if you'd rather stay until it's ready. I don't want to have you go all the way back over there."
"I don't mind." He replied with a shrug, opening the truck door for her, standing there until she got situated before jogging to his side.
Once they were ready, Matt pulled away from the curb, driving through the busy streets of Chicago as he followed the familiars roads to their pharmacy, a quiet having settled over them. But Gabby wouldn't have labeled it as one of the tense quiets they'd so frequently found themselves in the last few weeks, this one was more calm. And she didn't really understand it. With how distant Matt had been this morning, especially towards the end of her appointment, she didn't know why he suddenly seemed to be okay. Granted, she understood little of how Matt reacted to things these days. She was confused more often than not when it came to him, his back and forth demeanor doing a number on her. But when the less tense moments did come, she tried to cherish them, never knowing how long they'd last.
"Alright, I'll be right back. You need anything?" Matt asked, Gabby looking up to see them parked outside the pharmacy. She shook her head, Matt nodding in response, reaching for the prescription that sat on the seat in between them. "I'll make this quick." He told her, sliding out of the truck, shutting the door before hurrying across the street.
Casey was proud of himself for how efficiently he got in and out of the pharmacy, clocking himself at just over five minutes as he completed his task, grabbing a bottle of water for her while he was in there as well. Light snow had started to fall across the city as he stepped outside, checking the road before jogging back towards the truck, seeing Gabby still where he left her.
Finding the door locked, he tapped lightly on the window, pulling Gabby's attention from whatever had her so zoned out, seeing her glance towards him before unlocking the doors, Matt quickly seeking the warmth the car provided him.
"So, they said it would be about two hours. I got you some water, cause I wasn't sure if you had any with you." He told her, holding out the bottle to her, his eyebrows furrowing as he realized she hadn't heard a word he said. "Gabby?"
"Oh- sorry." Her head moved back up, Matt adjusting to see what had caught her attention so intensely, every muscle in his body tensing as he saw what she'd been holding in her lap. "I was just looking at these again… I'm so glad Julie printed them off for us." Gabby spoke, a cheerful tone to her voice, despite knowing she was treading into murky waters as she held up the scans from her ultrasound. "She printed off doubles, do you want this one?" She asked softly, holding out the black and white image towards him, his eyes fixated on the blurry photo of their baby in front of his face. He didn't say a word, not giving any sort of response to what she'd said. All he did was stare blankly at the picture, his face hard, not noticing the photo begin to tremble in her grasp. He suddenly forced his eyes away, his jaw clenching as he looked anywhere but at the image of their child. Seeing his reaction, Gabby put her unsteady hand down, shaking her head softly. "Matt…" She sighed sadly, placing the pictures of their child on the seat between them.
"I guess I was wrong about this." She murmured after a few painfully silent moments, Matt finally looking towards her, seeing unshed tears in her eyes. "You really don't want this baby, do you?" Her voice was shaky, but she refused to let the tears fall.
"Gabby…"
"I really believed that, deep down, you were only pushing so hard because you were scared to lose me. But I don't know anymore." She continued, swallowing the lump in her throat. "If you have made up your mind, and this is true, that you really don't want this, please just tell me."
"That's not true, Gabby." Matt replied immediately. "If I had figured out anything, good or bad, I would've told you." He defended, willing himself to remain level-headed. "I still feel so lost with everything."
"I know you do, and I understand that. But all of this, it's confusing Matt. I know how hard this is for you, and you need your space, but I don't understand why there's some times it's like everything's getting better, and then minutes later you'll go back to barely being able to look at me. I don't understand, and it hurts." She whispered, blinking back the tears threatening to fall.
"I… I'm sorry, Gabby, I'm not meaning to hurt you. But I really don't have an answer for you. This is confusing for me, too."
Releasing a heavy sigh, she shook her head. "I get that, but all this back and forth is almost unbearable. If you're gonna be mad, be mad. If you think you're finally able to start accepting this, great. But please just pick however you feel about me before I lose my mind." She rambled out in a hurry, her words forceful, holding more pent-up frustration than she realized.
Matt drew in a deep breath, turning his body towards hers. "I'm trying, Gabby. I really am-"
"But what does that even mean?! All I keep hearing from you is that you're trying, and then we go days without speaking."
"I'm trying to accept the possibility of losing you! I'm trying to force myself to be okay with it, even though there is no scenario in which I am." He responded, Gabby's eyes falling closed. "But that doesn't mean I don't want our child. Because I do, but it's hard for me, okay? This isn't something I ever thought I'd have to come to terms with, having to choose between you or our baby. But believe me when I tell you, I'm trying."
"I do believe you, I just never know where we stand. I never know how you're going to act around me, if you're angry or okay, and it's exhausting. This entire thing is stressful."
"Where we stand is that I love you." He spoke strongly, Gabby's eyes snapping towards him. It had been too long since she'd heard those words come from his lips. "I wish I could explain to you why there are some times I seem okay and then other times I'm not, but I don't understand it either." He said, stuttering over his words, Gabby able to hear the frustration in his voice. Frustration aimed at himself. "But anytime I feel like I'm starting to accept all of this, all I can think about is losing you, and it makes me-" His hands clenched together, his gaze moving down to avoid eye contact. "It makes me so angry. And I'm trying not to be, it's not anger towards you," He clarified once more, looking back up to find her teary eyes staring at him. "It's just… the situation. Every time I think about this, it makes me upset. And I'm trying to figure out how to stop feeling like that, I promise you I am, but it's hard." He told her softly, unshed tears filling his eyes. "I wish I knew how to be okay with this, God I would give anything to be completely excited about everything. But I don't know what else to do to try and make myself okay with this. I've tried to reason it with the odds. I've tried looking at it like we have the best doctor we can, who's confident that everything will be okay. And that despite the risk, there's a good chance the both of you will be fine. But then as soon as I start to think I'm coming to terms with it, the thought of having to do this without you hits me all over again. And it's like I'm back at square one."
He tried his best to explain what was going on in his head, that it wasn't as simple as him just being upset over her decision. "And I feel guilty, for the way I'm feeling. I wish I didn't feel like this. I know I'm making this so much harder on you, and that's the last thing I want. I really am trying to work through this, I need you to know that."
A thick silence filled the small space, Gabby's arms crossed over her stomach in a protective manner, her eyes flashing down from Matt's face, landing on the pictures of their baby. Sucking in a deep breath, she willed all emotion from her voice. "I know you are…" She replied, her eyes glued to the images of their child. "But you keep saying you're not angry with me… and I think at least part of you is."
"Gabby…"
"You're angry at the situation, the situation that I put us in. There's no way at least a part of you isn't mad at me for that. There's some moments you can hardly look at me, you shut down, and that isn't just anger towards the situation…" She spoke, trying to mask how upset this was making her, but she knew she wasn't doing a very good job. Gabby forced herself to look back up at him, finding his pained gaze on her. "I'm not faulting you for how you're feeling. I wish this was easy, and that I never put you in this position. But it's where we're at, that's not gonna change." She spoke firmly, clearing the emotion from her throat. "And I need to know you're in this with me, Matt. I need to know that you will be okay with this, however long that takes. This," She paused, pointing back and forth between the two of them, "can't be what our relationship becomes. You shutting down when we're together… I can't live like this anymore. I feel like I can't even have a conversation with you because I'm afraid of saying or doing something that's gonna upset you, and cause you to shut me out. It's like we're not even together anymore and I can't do it." She was nearly pleading at this point, but she didn't care. "I said I would give you time, and I will. But I can't deal with the back and forth of this anymore. I need to know it won't be like this forever."
Her words hung in the air, Matt's mouth opening then closing multiple times, clearly trying to find something to say, anything to assure her that things would get better. But he couldn't. He couldn't find the words to say, to express exactly what was going through his head at this moment. He knew he needed to say something. But he didn't.
After prolonged moments of silence, Gabby's eyes fell closed, shaking her head slowly back and forth as she moved her gaze forward.
"Can we go home now?" She asked quietly, her voice barely audible, afraid that if she spoke any louder she'd break.
"Gabby, I..."
"I'm tired, can we please just go." She responded, turning her body towards the window, curling up into herself as she leaned her head against the side of the truck. She heard Matt sigh heavily, before carefully pulling out into the street, a lone tear sliding down her cheek as they silently drove home.
Norris watched her partner closely as they climbed out of the rig, the pair having just returned from their third call of the day. It had been tiring back to back shifts for the paramedics, Jemma not able to stop the growing concern she felt for the woman that had become one of her closest friends.
When Gabby showed up to work yesterday morning, it was clear something was wrong. Dawson came in with her head down, heading straight for the locker room without a word. Jemma had given her space, but the first time she saw Dawson's face, she saw the exhaustion, the sorrow, the redness in her tired eyes that were obvious signs of crying.
Jemma didn't press for details, knowing if it was anything Gabby wanted to share, she would. But that didn't stop her from keeping a watchful eye on her friend and partner. Gabby had chosen to keep to herself all of yesterday, staying in the bunkroom aside from calls and meals. It was unusual, everyone in the small house knew something was wrong. But they all left her alone.
And it had been more of the same this morning. Gabby came in with the same broken look on her face, keeping to herself all morning. But this time she hadn't been around when they ate breakfast, and she didn't appear for lunch either. Jemma was the only one who'd spent more than a few minutes with her the last two days, but even when they were together it was like Gabby was somewhere else.
Gabby remained professional and focused on calls, getting the job done as efficiently as possible. But Jemma saw how it was wearing her down, how after every call she seemed more tired. And Norris couldn't help but worry, because it wasn't just her friend she was concerned for. It was the little life inside of her, too.
"Man, I'm tired." Jemma spoke casually as Gabby walked around the back of the rig, the older paramedic glancing to her, nodding slowly.
"Yeah, it's been a long few days." Gabby replied softly, swallowing thickly as a wave of nausea passed through her. But she forced the feeling away. She couldn't figure out why she was still feeling nauseous, having taken one of the pills Dr. Tanner prescribed her earlier in the day, but it didn't seem to be working.
Jemma opened her mouth to reply, seeing that as an opportunity to check in, make sure Gabby knew she was here if she needed anything, but Norris didn't have a chance to get the words out when the bells rung, signaling their ambo to help with a car accident.
"Good lord, what is with today." Norris muttered, the partners turning around and walking back to their respective seats. As Gabby pulled the door open, she stopped short as her mind became fuzzy, a feeling of dizziness spreading through her body, her eyes falling closed as she willed it to pass. "Dawson?" Jemma called, looking over to see a grimace covering her friends face. "Gabby, you okay?"
"I'm fine." She finally responded, opening her eyes and climbing into her seat, pushing through the unsteady feeling.
"Are you sure? We can transfer the call."
"I'm good, let's go."
Norris sighed heavily before nodding, knowing there was no use to put up a fight. She pulled out of the garage, heading towards the accident that thankfully wasn't very far away from them. They got there in a matter of minutes, soon both women hopping down from the rig, Jemma not missing how Gabby stood still by the door for a few extra seconds before coming around to the back, helping to unload the gurney and grab the bag.
Norris couldn't help but worry that something was going on, something that Gabby wasn't telling her, that was causing her unusual physical actions. But they didn't have time for Jemma to question her; there was a person who needed help and that was all they could focus on right now.
When they got to the car, they saw a rescue unit working on getting the door off, two other ambulances having left as they arrived.
"We've got one more victim, the father. He's pinned in there pretty good, I need one of you to get a collar on him." The older firefighter informed them, Jemma nodding as she reached for the collar, but Gabby grabbed it first. "Be careful though, it's pretty tight in there."
Norris grimaced as she already knew what Dawson was thinking. Although it seemed harmless enough, it wasn't something Gabby should be doing. From the contorting alone that would be needed to get in and out of this vehicle, Jemma knew this is exactly what Gabby's doctor had meant by staying away from the more difficult aspects of the job. So as Gabby began walking towards the vehicle, Jemma stopped her.
"Dawson, I got it." She said, putting her hand on her shoulder, holding her other one out to take the collar.
"No, it's fine. It's easy, I can do it." She replied back, turning out of Jemma's grip.
"No, you can't." Jemma fought back, moving to stand in front of her. "This isn't something you should be doing, I got it." Norris' words were a little more firm, hoping to coerce her friend into giving up. But her methods only had the opposite effect.
"Jemma, I'm not made of glass. This is simple, I can do it." Gabby bit back, stepping to the side to move around her.
"Dawson!" Jemma ordered loudly, everyone stopping their actions around them as they heard the hostile tone in her voice. "Stand down."
The two women stared at one another for a few seconds, neither wanting to give in. But Gabby was tired; mentally and physically she was exhausted. So without another word, she handed over the collar and stepped back, watching on as Jemma went to work.
Once secure, the firefighters managed to get the guy out and onto the awaiting gurney, Norris and Dawson taking over as they began to work.
In under an hour, they had gotten the patient to med, filled out the needed paperwork, and gotten back to the house, Gabby having remained quiet for most of that time. There was an uncomfortable feeling in the air, Jemma feeling guilty for shouting at her friend. They'd been partners for two months now, and in all that time they'd never come close to having a disagreement, on shift or off. But Gabby was all ready to put herself into a situation they both knew she wasn't supposed to be in, and Jemma couldn't let it slide. Yes, it was an easy recovery and Gabby probably would've been fine, but even in her short time on the job, Jemma knew how easily things could go south. Every call was unpredictable, there was no way to completely guarantee Gabby's safety, especially when she was not just looking out for herself. And if something had gone wrong when Dawson was in there, or something had happened to her baby because of it, Jemma would never forgive herself. Norris just hoped Gabby would understand that.
"Hey, Dawson, wait up." Jemma called, seeing her partner heading for the entrance. Gabby turned around as Norris jogged towards her, Jemma thankful to see that her friend didn't look mad. But she did look exhausted. "I'm sorry about that back there, I am, but we both know you're not supposed to be putting yourself in those situations. And I could tell you weren't backing down and it worried me. But I shouldn't have yelled at you like that, I'm sorry."
To her surprise, Dawson merely flashed her an understanding smile, shaking her head. "No, you were right to do what you did. I had no business getting in that car, I wasn't even really thinking, I just…" She trailed off, shrugging her shoulders as she looked to the ground. "My mind was somewhere else and I went onto autopilot. But I appreciate you stopping me, I know I'm not supposed to be doing those things."
Giving her an understanding nod, Jemma placed her hand on Gabby's arm, rubbing softly. "That's what partners are for. I've always got your back. With anything." Norris spoke firmly, Gabby's eyes glancing up to her after she spoke, both of them knowing there was a much deeper meaning to her words.
But Gabby didn't take the opening, instead she just nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. "I know. I appreciate it." She replied softly before turning to leave.
Gabby didn't make it very far before she had to stop walking, the same dizziness and nausea sweeping through again, this time at full force, halting her steps completely.
"Gabby? You okay?" Jemma asked, concern filling her words as she took the few steps towards her partner.
"Yeah, yeah, it's just-" Gabby stopped talking as a sharp pain moved through her head, leaving a pounding headache in its wake as her hand came up to cover her forehead.
"Just what? What's wrong?" Norris was nearing full panic as Gabby pressed firmly against her head, a soft groan leaving her lips as the pain in her skull increased, the nausea debilitating. "Gabby?" Jemma asked again, getting no response as Dawson's eyes slammed shut, a weird sensation of numbness filling her entire body. "Let's go sit down, okay?"
Gabby barely felt Jemma grabbing her arm, her friend's words sounding distant, like she was yards away. She didn't know what was happening, opening her eyes again only to find her surroundings blurry and unfocused, before her vision went black completely. Her mind was in a haze, unable to feel anything other than the tingling numbness covering her, her legs feeling weak.
The last thing she remembered was wanting to take a step forward, but it was as if every muscle in her body gave out, hearing Jemma yell out her name when her body collapsed, slamming against the cold, unforgiving ground as her world went dark.
Well, how are you guys feeling? I know these last couple of chapters have been hard, and with that ending it doesn't appear things are getting much better. I don't wanna spoil anything for you guys, but just hold on. Things can't be bad forever, right? I know some of you mention how reading these last few chapters have been hard to get through, and trust me, I feel the same way writing it. I wish it could be all happy Dawsey all the time, but that's not realistic. However, unlike the show, I believe there should be an actual reason for any drama around a relationship, and that there should be a payoff at the end. Drama just for drama's sake is obnoxious and unnecessary...
Also, I hadn't thought of this before, but someone mentioned it in their review and I figured I might as well ask. Would you all be interested in me giving you a little snippet of my new story? I'd just add it at the end of a chapter here or something. Someone said something about wanting a sneak peek of it, and I wouldn't mind posting a little bit of it at the end of one of these chapters, if you all would want that. Just let me know!
The new story I'm working on is kind of a big undertaking for me. I've had it in my head/partially written for well over a year, I just never did anything with it. It was in my head way before this story was even a thing. I believe I first started writing it back when season six was first airing. But there's so many things I want to do in it, it's been hard to focus and get everything in order, especially with so much of my attention on this story. That's why it's been taking so long for me to get it going. I'm not trying to drag you all along or anything, I am working on it. I just want it to be good, and it takes a little extra focusing on my part. But when I finish up the first chapter, I'd be happy to give you guys a little sneak peek of it, if you're interested.
Thank you all so much for reading! I can't wait to hear what you thought of this one!