Chapter Six "The Truth Behind Maggascotchi"

"CAN'T THIS BLOODY SHIP GO ANY FASTER!" shrieked Jack, waving madly to Will to raise every sail the Paris Hilton had.

"I never knew you cared so much about rescuing Elizabeth," smiled Will, shyly. "Thanks. You're such a great friend, Jack."

"Ye better 'ope yer fiancé didn't harm a hair on Maggascotchi's head," muttered Jack.

Will blinked. "Wait. I thought Elizabeth was the one in danger here."

Jack was about to make another sarcastic remark when he spotted two other ships whizzing in the same direction.

"Hey look," laughed Will, peering through the spyglass, "that one guy's uglier than Norrington!"

Jack took a look for himself. "That is Norrington! What be 'appenin' 'ere…?"

"Hey, Jack…? Isn't he sailing the Black Pearl?"

The realization struck Jack harder than most women smacked him. "So Norrington commandeered me ship, eh? Serves Gibbs right."

"What do you mean, 'Serves Gibbs right?'" repeated Will, who never knew the reason why Jack had been marooned in the first place.

BOOOOM!

"Hit the deck!"

"Put your right foot in, put your right foot out—"

Jack tackled Will to the ground just as something large and slimy rocketed above their heads and collided with the railing on the starboard side, shattering into a zillion—wooden?—pieces.

"They're firin' at us!" shouted Jack.

BOOOOM!

A moment later, something else sailed through the air and dumped sludge over Will's pink Governor wig.

"Oh, lovely, that's an improvement, Will," said Jack, admirably. "At least you smell like a boot, now."

"What is this?" asked Will, wringing the gooey liquid from his curls. "A bucket and mop?"

Maniacal cackling broke into their bewilderment, and the two looked over the deck to see Norrington, steering gleefully past them in the Black Pearl, with Anamaria and Gibbs trying to drag him off the helm.

"Hello, Jack! Hello, Will!"

"That's Captain Jack!"

"And that's—oh, yeah, Will."

"I just thought you'd like to know," smirked Norrington as he sped ahead of the Paris Hilton and closer to Maggascotchi, "you will all remember this as the day when I marry Elizabeth and bring Maggascotchi to justice!" More maniacal laughter.

"He certainly seems happy today," commented Will. "Maybe he had some of that lemon meringue."

"Are you deaf!" exclaimed Jack. "Didn't you hear what 'e jess said? They're trying to get to Maggascotchi first, and if that 'appens, there will be no double-weddin' to speak of cause Norrington will have stolen away Elizabeth!"

"No!" cried Will. "We will beat them! Load the cannons!"

"Wait, no!" gasped Jack. "Ye can't fire at me Black Pearl! I can't 'ave holes in me ship!"

"Uh…Jack?"

"What?"

"Who's that sailing the other ship?"

But before Jack could turn around to look, an apple smacked him right in the back of the head. Spinning around, he caught sight of the thrower.

"Apple, Jack?" smirked Barbossa, tossing another one in his direction. "And may I remind ye. Ye owe me a hat. A big hat."

"B-Barbossa?" stuttered Jack. "I thought ye were dead!"

"You're toenails are red?" repeated the frazzled Governor from beside him, his wig blowing in the sea air again and affecting his hearing.

"Governor Swann?" gasped Will.

"Another Governor Swann?" gasped Governor Swann, who couldn't make out Will from beneath his flawless costume.

CLIP-CLOP-CLIP!

"Gillette, stop making so much noise!" snapped Barbossa.

"Aw, Dad, you didn't have to!"

"Have to what?" asked the Governor, puzzled.

"Have to buy me a pony!" smiled Gillette, and a second later came trampling out of the lower deck riding the stowaway donkey.

"Hey! You stole my donkey!" accused Will. Jack grabbed him before he leaped over the rail to retrieve the animal. "Give it back!"

In the confusion, the donkey panicked and bucked into Barbossa, throwing out the pirate's back and his control of the ship. The Odd Couple rammed into the back of the Black Pearl with a grating THUD, sending Norrington halfway over the railing and shouting insults at anyone within hearing distance.

The collision sent both ships sprawling off course, and Jack recognized his opportunity.

"We've got a clear path now!" he cheered. "Onward to Maggascotchi!"

Minutes later, Jack and Will had scaled up the side of Maggascotchi's rotting ship, which was moored right off the coast of Tortuga. After a quick scan of the filthy deck, they spotted a figure perched at the helm. Her matted, blonde hair cascaded down her back, whipping around her tanned face and sharply-defined features.

"Which side is the blue eye?" hissed Jack.

"The side that's not the brown one," replied Will. "Oh, I'm good."

"Captain Jack Sparrow," the figure announced, "we finally meet. I am the most feared woman pirate of the high seas, Maggascotchi." She eyed him. "You're later than I expected."

"You try dragging Will around," explained Jack, cocking his head towards the blacksmith.

"Will?" repeated Maggascotchi, raising an eyebrow, fumbling with her words. "Why is he here? And why is he dressed like the Governor?"

"Where's Elizabeth?" Will demanded. "We have a wedding to plan!"

Maggascotchi abandoned the helm and approached them, gliding with her long, proper gait. "I'm afraid to tell you that you will never see Miss Swann again."

"Why? Am I going blind? No!" cried Will.

"Uh, Will, I don't think that's what she means," said Jack as understandingly as he could.

"What…?" Suddenly, realization dawned on him. "No! Jack! You're girlfriend took cat-fighting to a whole other level!"

"Stop hitting me!" shouted Jack. "It's not my fault! It's not my fault!" He took out his pistol and aimed at the blacksmith. "This shot is not meant for you."

"Who's it for then?"

Jack paused temporarily. "I don't know, I 'aven't decided yet—but it's not fer you!"

"Stop it, Will! You're bruising my fiancé!"

"No fair! No fair! I didn't get to propose yet! And I had a speech all planned out!" complained Jack.

"A speech?" Maggascotchi and Will both stopped.

"Wait, it'll come to me…" Jack squinted. "Oh, now you both got me so bloody worked up I've forgotten it! It's lost to Davy Jones locker forever!"

"At least your girlfriend isn't!" sobbed Will. "And I even passed her test!"

"Test?" repeated a befuddled Maggascotchi. "What test?"

"I had to find her to prove my love for her!" whimpered Will. "But you ruined everything!"

"Don't speak to me girl like that!" Jack jumped in defensively. "Now, I know we can all work this out—"

"Nobody move!" Commodore Norrington's sneering voice broke in. "Everyone is under arrest. Maggascotchi, for kidnapping my love and sailing under a pirate's brand. Jack, for just being yourself. And Will, for ruining my life."

"Can I really be charged for that?" questioned Will.

"'Corse not! Otherwise Norrington would be serving a life sentence!" laughed Jack.

"Drop your weapons! All of them! Drop them!" snapped Norrington, pointing his sword menacingly at the group.

"Not so fast." The sound of a cocking pistol from behind Norrington froze everything. Barbossa's eyes gleamed with that evil-villain gleam that they always have in the movies. "I believe you will be dropping yer weapon too, Commodore."

"What's going on here?" inquired Governor Swann, leaping clumsily off the side of the Odd Couple and onto the Pearl, followed by Gillette, and then the donkey.

"Barbossa!" yet another voice called. "Drop yer weapon." Gibbs and Anamaria stepped into the confusion, Gibbs pointing a pistol in Barbossa's direction.

"Hey! It's like a party!" smiled Gillette.

"I thought I told you to stay at the Skull and Crossbones," seethed Norrington, glaring at Gillette.

"Yeah, ya see, I did, but then Governor Swann came and told me that you were—"

"In no need of your assistance!" the Commodore interrupted.

Maggascotchi's eyes darted from one frenzied group to another. "I sent for Jack Sparrow, and that's all. The rest of you can solve your little problems somewhere other than my ship."

"And speaking of ships, what were you doing with mine?" Jack shot at Norrington.

"The Pearl be me ship," corrected Gibbs, giving his pistol a temporary shake in the Commodore's direction before aiming back at Barbossa. "Isn't that right, Norry?"

"'Norry!'" repeated Gillette. "Hey, can I have a nickname, too?"

"Gillette, how did you get here?" snapped the Commodore.

"Well, after I found out the deep, dark secret, I realized that I might have a kind of telekinesis."

"Did you just sneeze in French?" asked Will.

"No, I mean I might be psychic!"

"Gasp!" gasped Will. "I'm psychic too!"

"Gasp!" gasped Gillette. "I knew you were going to say that!"

"Gasp!" gasped Norrington. "You all are idiots! Oh, wait, why would that surprise me?"

"Because you're psychic too?" asked Will and Gillette at the same time.

"Maggascotchi, in the name of the Royal Navy, where is my daughter?" exclaimed Governor Swann.

Gibbs blinked. "What do you mean, 'your daughter'? Isn't she his daughter?" He pointed to Will, who, conveniently, was still dressed identically to the Governor.

"No, she's my fiancé," corrected Will.

"You're marrying your daughter?"

"No!"

Anamaria glanced from one Governor to the other "Governor." "Wait jess a minute. Who's the real Governor Swann?"

"I AM!" both suspects proclaimed.

"Jess pick whichever one, what's the difference?" sighed a frustrated Jack. "And then leave so I can marry me fiancé!"

"No one's marrying anyone until I give my consent!" argued Governor Swann.

"There's only one way to tell," Maggascotchi cut in. "Governors, what's your favorite food?"

"Ooh! Ooh! That's an easy one! Lemon-meringue!" cheered Will.

"That's not the Governor," everyone chorused, decidedly.

Jack stared at Will, who was doing a victory dance after apparently answering correctly. "But Will," he said, "why would you want to be confused with the Governor?"

Will stopped. "I don't know—I got confused. I'm Will, right?"

BANG!

Someone shrieked and everyone froze after Norrington fired his gun into the air.

"All right, that's enough!" he snapped. "Maggascotchi, I demand that you release Elizabeth to me this instant!"

"Uh, she can't really do that," mumbled Jack.

"Because Elizabeth's gone, gone forever and ever and ever and ever!" sobbed Will, breaking down into hysterical tears. "I can't take it anymore!" and with that, threw himself off the deck of the ship and into the ocean with a dramatic splash. The donkey bucked Gillette off and collapsed in grief.

"That's one down, two to go," muttered Norrington, eyeing Jack and Maggascotchi. He glanced over and saw Gillette, dashing towards his fallen donkey. "Correction, three."

"You're all obviously upset over nothing," Maggascotchi continued, inching her way closer to Jack as everyone with a weapon decided to point in her direction. "Elizabeth never would have run away if she was happy to begin with. You all cause her such unnecessary stress!"

The Governor narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean, 'run away'? You're the one who kidnapped my beloved daughter and left a ransom note! You declared your love for Will!"

Jack, horrified, spun to look at his "fiancé." "No, it's not true," he whispered. "I thought you were in love with me."

"I—I am," blubbered Maggascotchi.

"Not according to this!" cried the Governor, whipping the ransom note out of his pocket and waving it for everyone to see. "You love Will Turner!"

The truth was entirely too hard for Jack to handle, and in no time flat he, too, had leaped off the ship…and passed Will on his way down.

"Wow, that was refreshing," the blacksmith said as he plopped himself back on deck. "Now, what's happening?" he questioned, standing up on his feet.

"No, no, no!" pouted Norrington. "Get back down there!"

"Okay," agreed Will, and immediately collapsed back to the deck.

"Jack!" cried Maggascotchi, in agony. She turned back towards the Governor. "You ruin everything! Always! Why can't you just let me make my own decisions? I'm a grown woman and you still treat me like a three-year-old!"

"I didn't even know you as a three-year-old, although I'm sure you were quite likable," blubbered the Governor, spotting the sword Maggascotchi had looped to her belt.

"Enough!" bellowed Norrington. He drew back his sword, prompting Gibbs to take final aim with his pistol, Barbossa's finger to twitch closer to the trigger, and Anamaria to hastily grab her gun.

"WAIT! I REMEMBER!"

Right before anyone could get off a shot, a drenched Jack scuffled desperately back on deck.

"For the love of—" Norrington began.

"I REMEMBER MY SPEECH!" cried Jack. He knelt before Maggascotchi, whipping off his hat with as much finesse as he could muster. A trout flopped out.

"My Maggascotchi—that's an alliteration, ye know—I've lived some forty years—and I know, ye can't tell, can ye?—and I've learned how unpredictable life can be. After all, I've been supposin' that Barbossa was dead!"

Norrington fought back a gag.

"But, if there's one thing that I wish to be a constant in me pirate life, it would be y—"

Maggascotchi, who had been smiling happily, suddenly frowned when she saw doubt flicker across Jack's face.

"Yes? It would be…"

"It would be… You have two brown eyes!"

"Were you expecting a third?" Norrington cut in.

"Yes, I have two brown eyes," agreed Maggascotchi, puzzled. "What's wrong with that?"

"Will told me you had one brown and one blue."

"Oops," Will said.

"Maggascotchi, ----------?"

She stared at him, shaking her head. "Jack, I can't understand a word you're saying!"

"And you don't speak French!" gasped Jack. He leaped out of his kneeling position and whipped out his pistol with one shot. "You're not Maggascotchi!"

Barbossa gave a sigh of relief and slipped up with, "Good! I was beginning to think she really did exist!"

Everyone spun towards him.

"Eh—I mean—Corse she exists!"

"That's not what you said," accused Norrington. "What have you lied about?"

"The only thing I've lied about has been the truth!"

"What?"

"And how did Maggascotchi know that I liked lemon meringue?" Will asked all of a sudden.

"And what was that about a deep, dark secret?" remembered Norrington.

"And why does my pony have such a strong affection for Will?" asked Gillette.

"And why is Barbossa not dead?" added Jack.

"Wait," the Governor interrupted. "If Maggascotchi isn't Maggascotchi, than who is Maggascotchi?"

Pause.

A second later, Maggascotchi broke the silence with a rambling explosion:

"No! I can't believe how incredibly clueless you all are! After that cake fiasco, I couldn't stand the thought of going through with my marriage to Will! I was too stressed out! And none of you helped at all! In fact, I realized that I was in love with someone else: Jack Sparrow! So I did the only thing I could think of doing at the moment—I ran away! I left a ransom note to buy me some time—I never meant for it to be taken seriously! And Will, I left you a note so that you wouldn't go running after me like a mad man! It wasn't a test, how stupid can you be? And all of you just distorted the entire thing! Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to!"

Everyone was staring at her as if she really did have bi-colored eyes.

"Oh, my, God," said Gillette, shocked. "Maggascotchi is Elizabeth."

Knowing the truth had finally come out, Elizabeth pulled off the blonde wig and wiped off the darkening makeup.

"My daughter!" exclaimed Governor Swann. "I'm so glad to have you back! I'm sorry for everything, really. I won't force you into anything anymore. And I'll get a new wig."

"Promise?"

"Promise." Governor Swann added, "So if both those notes were written by you, who wrote the one about horse feed in the blacksmith shop? Wasn't that you, Will?"

"I never wrote any note," answered Will. "But hey, that would've been a good idea. Notes are so fun."

"Uh…" Gillette figured slowly, "I think I know."

One by one, they all glanced at the donkey, which quickly trotted over to Will and licked him across the face with a slimy tongue.

"'SO I HAVE GONE OUT IN SEARCH OF THE ONE AND ONLY PERSON WHO APPRECIATES ME,'" recalled Barbossa. "The donkey left looking for Will!"

"I'm loved by a donkey?" asked Will, looking warily at the smelly creature who was wagging its tail fondly.

"Oh, that's so sweet," cooed Jack. "Now go kiss yer a."

Anamaria looked over at Gibbs. "So let me get this straight. Elizabeth who is Maggascotchi was after Jack who was with Will."

"And Jack who was with Will was after Maggascotchi who is Elizabeth," continued Gibbs.

"And Norrington who was with Gillette was after Jack who was with Will," added Anamaria, "because he was trying to find Elizabeth who is Maggascotchi."

"Governor Swann who was with Barbossa was after Norrington so that he could stop the wedding—either between Jack and Elizabeth or Norrington and Elizabeth."

"Barbossa who was with Governor Swann probably wants revenge upon Jack."

"And that donkey who stowed away on the Governor and Barbossa's ship was after Will because he's the only one who appreciates him."

"And we, the crew of Black Pearl, teamed up with Norrington and were after Jack who was with Will because we want Jack back because we want some of the profit from Skull and Crossbones…and we want him back as our Captain, because it's just not the same without him."

"Meanwhile, Jack fell in love with the mysterious Maggascotchi, even though he had no idea who she was…"

"And the donkey's the only sane one," snapped Norrington.

But before this story gets any more wholesome, Jack continued with,

"Eh, Elizabeth? Do ye 'appen to like big sunglasses?"

"Hate them," she replied.

"And pork?"

"Actually, I was thinking of becoming a vegetarian."

Jack sighed, dejectedly. "And it was such a great speech, too."

"Well, since you can't give yours," Norrington interrupted, shoving Jack out of the way. He knelt in front of Elizabeth. "I have something I must ask you."

"NOOO!" shrieked the Governor. "No! You can't!"

"Father, you just said that you would not interfere!" protested Elizabeth.

"Don't marry him! Please!" cried Will, sniffling.

Elizabeth frowned, indecisive, glancing from one possible husband to another. "Well, what's worse? Norrington or Will? Norrington or Will?"

"Well there's always eenie meenie minie moe!" offered Gibbs.

"Back off!" snapped Norrington, whipping his sword around so he had a three-foot cushion. "I have proposing to do!"

"You don't understand!" shouted Gillette.

"YOU CAN'T!" added the Governor.

"It's because of the deep, dark secret!" Barbossa interjected.

As always, that phrase stopped everyone.

"All right, all right! What deep, dark secret?" sighed Norrington, annoyed.

"It's that telekinesis thing!" sputtered Gillette. "I knew that you were coming here to Tortuga because—because—"

"Spit it out, Gillette!"

"Because we're brothers!"

"Elizabeth, can I marry you now before I pass out?" asked Norrington.

"And that's only the deep part!" continued Gillette. "The dark part is that we were actually Siamese twins!"

"Jack, are you laughing?" accused Norrington. "You'll get another ten years if I catch a smirk on your face."

"No," responded Jack, "the look on yer face is all the happiness I'll need fer the rest of me life."

"And the darkest, deepest part of it all is—"

"Elizabeth, hold me."

"Governor Swann is our father! Elizabeth is our half-sister!"

"On second thought, don't. I'll be just fine."

Norrington stood up stiffly and marched himself to the edge of the deck. "Well, you won't be needing me anymore," he sighed, and toppled overboard.

"Gillette!" cried Governor Swann. "Quickly! Save your brother!"

"Uh," Gillette hesitated, "I don't know if he really wants me to."

"But that's what brothers are for!" encouraged the Governor. "I'm sure he'd do the same for you!"

"If you say so." Gillette pinched his nose and dived after Norrington.

"Aw, I think I might actually miss those guys," smiled Jack.

"You won't have time to miss them!" Barbossa yelled, pointing his gun at Sparrow. "It's me turn fer revenge!"

"That's what I saved this shot fer!" remembered Jack, aiming his pistol at Barbossa as well.

"NO—MY BEST FRIEND!" shouted Will, running for Jack.

"NO—MY RINGBEARER!" shouted Governor Swann, running for Barbossa.

BANG!

BANG!

SQUAAAWCK!

Jack, Barbossa, Will, and the Governor collapsed to the deck amid a flurry of florescent feathers.

"You missed!" laughed Jack.

"You missed too!" retorted Barbossa.

"You hit something," said Will, afraid to look.

"Who brought the parrot?" asked Governor Swann.

Jack stared at him. "What. What did you say?"

"I said, 'Who brought the parrot?'"

Jack slowly turned around to find poor old Cotton's parrot lying in the middle of the deck.

"No, not again! It's like some bad dream, over and over again!" moaned Jack.

"Hey! I'm psychic and you're having de ja vu!" cheered Will.

"Jack, what have ye done?" interrogated Gibbs. "There be no excuse for killin' Cotton's parrot—again."

"Listen to yerself! This is insane!" Jack tried to defend himself, even as Cotton silently cried over his re-dead bird. "I could've been shot, and now jess cause I accidentally shot the bird everyone hates me again? Besides, how can I kill the parrot twice?"

"How could you, Jack?" Will wailed. "I thought you were an animal rights activist!"

"Will, where are you getting this from? You're the one with a feather in your hat! Do you know how many innocent birds were plucked for that vain attire?"

"Uh, one."

Suddenly, Jack caught sight of something gleaming in the parrot's beak.

"Gimme that bird!" he shrieked, diving towards it.

"Jess let it rest in peace!" Anamaria sighed, shaking her head.

"No need fer that!" announced Jack. "The bird's not dead!"

"What?"

Just then, the bird twitched and, as if nothing had happened, perked right up and began pecking at Jack's dreadlocks.

"The bird's got a coin from Cortez! He can't die!" laughed Jack. "Cotton, yer parrot's good as new! And I'm off the noose!"

Anamaria interrupted their mini celebration.

"All right, Jack, so you didn't shoot the bird. But didn't you eat the bird to begin with?"

Jack's face blushed. "Uh, I'd rather not discuss that."

"Gillette, what are you doing?" sputtered Norrington as his newfound ex-Siamese twin dragged him back over the railing and to the deck of the ship. "Can't you just let me alone? I've lost my one true love forever!"

"But you've found your brother and father!" cheered Gillette. "Isn't life wonderful?"

Norrington suddenly recalled something. "Hey, that's right." He looked around, expectantly.

"What are you doing, bro?" asked Gillette.

"I'm waiting for my personal, unlimited, Ice Cream Parlor."

While Jack and Norrington were both preoccupied, Will tentatively approached a dismayed Elizabeth.

"I know this probably didn't work out the way you planned," he began slowly, "but I just wanted you to know that I love you more than I love lemon meringue."

For the first time since…well, even before this story began, Elizabeth smiled.

"When's our wedding again?" she asked.

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Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann were married soon after they returned from Tortuga. The chefs baked a new, Barbossa-free cake, with white icing to match the Governor's new wig. Captain Jack Sparrow, forced to wear something respectable, walked down the aisle too—as Will's best man. Elizabeth awarded him with "Maggascotchi's" ship, and Gibbs, knowing full well that things just weren't the same without the swashbuckling pirate, returned to him full ownership of the Pearl. Barbossa (who remained inexplicably alive) was granted the honor of being the ring bearer—although he did so under extreme watch of Commodore Norrington. Meanwhile, Norry and Gillette planned to conduct a search for their biological mother. The donkey was content to be back in Will's company (and that feeling was mutual), and munched on his precious horse feed throughout the reception.

Jack decided to co-own the Skull and Crossbones with Schwartzenegger, that way the Governor of California would have a place for his rallies and Jack could still sail the high seas. Everyone managed to agree on one final detail: They would keep the curse on Cotton's parrot, just in case Jack ever gave into temptation again.

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END (yayness!)