Oh thank Heavens! I didn't think was EVER going to let me upload!

Two things:

1. THANK YOU so much for your feedback and encouragement. I appreciate it more than I can say...and make sense anyway.

2. I forgot to mention that there is 5 parts to this story. So this would be chapter 3 out of 5.

thanks for the patience. Here's

Chapter 3

Rodney sighed heavily and found himself sinking into the chair behind him even before Sheppard was all the way out of the small meeting room. John didn't look back.

"Okay." Elizabeth breathed the word out as if she'd been holding her breath. "That went well."

Snorting, McKay shook his head and glanced up at her. "If you say so."

After spending three hours in the infirmary with Carson poking and prodding at him, with every sort of needle Rodney could possibly imagine, Beckett released him in time for him to shuffle his way up to the debriefing and listen to Caldwell rip Sheppard a new one. Just the way he wanted to end his day…or two days. He'd actually lost count of how long he'd been up now.

"How're you feeling Rodney?" Elizabeth's soft inquiry half startled him.

"Good, good. I'm good. That Ronon character was right. Just a chunk." He waved at his leg. The wound still smarted and ached but it'd only taken Carson a few minutes to clean it up and stitch it. "Twelve stitches." McKay couldn't quite keep the waver of relief out of his voice. He didn't go into the fact that the majority his time in the infirmary was spent getting his sugar levels straightened out and Carson watching him for more signs of shock.

"Have you gotten any rest?" Elizabeth's eyes narrowed slightly and Rodney knew he wasn't fooling her. She knew him better than anyone else around here and even if he could lie worth a damn…he couldn't to Elizabeth.

"Planning on it." Slowly he pushed himself up, taking another second to adjust to the burning in his leg with the movement, trying not to think about the fact that he'd actually been shot or that he'd shot Ford.

He forced himself to move again. At least he could walk without much of a limp. The last thing he wanted was to answer more questions about how he'd been injured.

"You did good, Rodney," Elizabeth spoke as he reached the door and he turned back to face her, already shaking his head.

"I – I…." He didn't know what to say but he couldn't quite believe her either. He'd shot Ford. No, he hadn't really had a huge choice but still…he didn't want to defend his actions or accept praise for them. He just wanted to forget it happened.

"Dr. Beckett told me you're suppose to head to the mess and get something to eat," shewent on, saving him from having to come up with an answer.

"Going." He pasted on a smile and started walking.

Rodney ignored the looks he felt as he went along, trying not to hobble. His mind kept going over his interactions with Sheppard. He couldn't figure out what was going on between them. Why was John pushing him away? Did something happen when they were back on earth?

Swallowing the lump in his throat, McKay entered a transporter and hit his destination, wishing for a moment that the ride would take longer than it did. He just needed time to think and yet…he really didn't want to think. Not about Ford, not about John and certainly not about the trip back to earth.

The Mess was almost deserted, thankfully. A small group of marines shared one table in the corner and, after going through the line and filling his tray, McKay found a table to himself in the opposite corner of the room. Eating alone. God, it reminded him of high school…and college…and earth.

He hadn't been prepared for the contempt and attitudes back on earth, though in reality he shouldn't have been surprised. Rodney had forgotten that no one there knew him, not really. He had made the mistake of assuming earth would be like Atlantis, but it wasn't. Maybe Gall had been right when he'd said he had changed…too bad no one earth cared to notice.

McKay picked at the ham on his plate and pushed the green peas around absently. On earth, he'd pushed away the hurt that came and buried himself in his work instead, counting the days until he'd return to Atlantis…to friends. Then on the Daedalus, that's when he'd realized that John was treating him different then before they'd gone back. Now, Sheppard was treating him just like everyone back on earth.

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John watched Ronon's fight for control, seeing the emotion and shock in the Runner's eyes even as the young man struggled to understand. There was nothing he could say to comfort Dex, there was nothing he could do.

Ronon walked away without another word and John watched his soldiers follow before turning back to stare at the screen and the devastated world the MALP was broadcasting back to them.

God. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to look at your world and see it devastated, to realize that everyone was gone and yet…as he looked…he remembered. Those seconds when he was safe on the Daedalus and the Wraith were hurtling towards the unshielded city. As Rodney raced to power up the ZPM and raise the shield all John had been able to do was wait. There had been no radio contact and for those few eternal seconds- everyone was gone. Elizabeth, Teyla, Ford…McKay.

Sheppard frowned. He never wanted to have that feeling again, the fear, the emptiness, the sudden realization that he was alone. He just had to keep himself from forgetting and then, maybe if he didn't let himself get that close again…

His eyes flicked away from the screen. If he didn't let himself get that close again, he'd never be in Ronon's shoes.