A/N: Please read the following!
Okay, so this is a semi-AU taking place pre-Nibelheim, covering the time when Cloud first came to Midgar up until just before the platoon leaves for the Nibelheim mission. I'm planning for this to be a trilogy, but I'm having some trouble with the next two parts, so you'll have to wait for that.
The most fundamental change I have made to this universe, despite all evidence to the contrary, is to do with Sephiroth. I maintain that the Nibelheim disaster occurred because he didn't have any parental figures in his life Hojo does NOT count when he was growing up. Certain other major changes have been made, such as making Cloud stronger as a cadet than he really was, but these are all geared towards the one huge change I want to make that makes this AU an AU. What that is... I'm not telling. But read this AN and read the fic and it's pretty obvious in the end.
That said, I hope you'll forgive the OOC. It needed to be done to make things turn out the way I needed them to. Chalk some of Cloud's skill up to being personally trained by Zack as far as I can tell, he didn't do that in the original storyline and the rest of it up to luck/author's license. grins
This fic is also posted on soera.l ivejournal.c om. Just take out the spaces to have a look at that journal; there are other works up there as well.
Enjoy!
Endymion
Part One: Solacium
"There's always a smile somewhere that you'll want to protect. Some people have huge desires… they want to protect lots of people, mountains of them. They want to protect the place they grew up and the people they love. Then there are those who are selfish and want only to protect themselves, but even those people have a smile they want to protect; their own.
"Of course, most people aren't quite that self-centred. It's not my smile I want to protect, but yours. It is for that reason that I want to become a Soldier. I'll be able to look after you if I do, you see. I know it's hard for you to hold down a job, and I hope this latest one works out better for you. You've always been better accepted in Nibelheim, maybe because you're a woman, maybe because you're not his son. People don't like me as much though, so it'll be better for you if I'm not there. If people forget about me, they might be nicer to you… or so I hope.
"I'm aware that this is a huge decision to make. But I've really, honestly thought about it, and it's a decision that I've made with a rational mind. I know what I'm getting myself into, and I'm prepared for it. Undoubtedly, it will be hard, and there's no assurance that I can even make it into Soldier. But even if I don't, as a private, my next of kin will be given a stipend. Even in the event of my death – and please don't cry at that; it's a fact of life – you'll be cared for. That's what's important to me.
"I'm sad that I won't be able to see your smile for ages, if ever again, but I still want to protect it. I hope you understand, mother."
--
Dear Mother,
Well, I've arrived in Midgar and have been enrolled into ShinRa's military. I have the distinct feeling I've just sold my soul to them, but it doesn't really matter in the end. We all sell our souls to someone, somewhere down the line. When it comes down to it, at least ShinRa won't completely destroy it… I think.
The truth is that I was absolutely miserable there, of course. The only thing good about my days was seeing you. But you must have noticed that I had no friends, and that I garnered far too many bruises to have acquired them merely stumbling. (If you didn't know and this is news to you, I'm sorry.) But the fact remains I was not well-liked there.
Within a day of arriving here, mother, I've made a friend. I'm acquainted with all my squad and bunkmates, of course, but I'm talking about someone called Reno. He's a couple of years older than me, and has been in the course for a year already. That means he'll probably graduate next year. He's good, and I've no doubt he'll make at least Captain, when the next rankings are held.
I've also seen General Sephiroth. He's every bit as imposing and beautiful in real life as he is on all the posters we've seen. If a tiny place like Nibelheim has heard of him, you know he must be famous, but it wasn't until I arrived here that I realised just how much in awe people hold him. I think it must be an awfully lonely life, don't you? I saw him walking down the hall the other day and when people saw him, they literally stopped in their tracks to stare. They stopped in the middle of their sentences and just gawked at him until he was out of sight. I would hate that kind of attention if I were him. Though of course, that's me. Maybe he's the sort of person who thrives on attention, I wouldn't know. But he did seem very… sad, I think is the word I'm looking for. But don't tell anyone I said that!
Well, early morning tomorrow. I have to be up at five for P.T. – physical training – so I suppose I should close this letter here. I do hope to hear from you soon, mother.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
General Sephiroth spoke to my class today. It's not something he does often, apparently, so Captain Jackson (our instructor) was quite surprised when he showed up. Still, he recovered admirably quickly and introduced us all. The rest of my bunkmates are, as I'm writing this, discussing the meeting avidly. "He's damn powerful, you can tell just looking at him," is what one of them has just said. I wonder if anyone noticed his eyes? They seemed so awfully lonely to me.
Or maybe I'm romanticising him too much. It's possible, I suppose, but I don't think I'm misreading what I see.
General Sephiroth brought with him one of his lieutenants as well, a man named Zachary. He's an interesting person, I must say; very energetic, friendly and almost… vivacious, I suppose. He's so full of life and happiness, and yet you wouldn't mistake him for anything other than a Soldier First Class, which is what he is. He's apparently one of General Sephiroth's most trusted lieutenants, as well as the person who is always assigned to guard duty whenever General Sephiroth must make a public appearance. You would think that someone as powerful as he is wouldn't need guards, but nonetheless, appearances must be maintained.
Zachary seems the kind of guy you would get if you took one of the boys back home, took out the mean-ness, threw in a slap of Reno and a good dose of motherliness. He's a worse mother hen than you are, and at least you have the excuse of actually being a mother. I rather like him, actually. He was very solicitous of us, certainly more kind than General Sephiroth's rather… impersonal speech was. I couldn't help but feel a little chilled every time those pale, icy eyes came to rest on me – and I'm talking about the General there, of course, not Zachary.
And despite it all, I still think that the General would make a brilliant friend, if only he wasn't so very out of reach. Reno, I've decided, isn't the sort of person I could really be friends with. We're on good terms, but he's a lot more gregarious than I am. There he is now, in the middle of a group, all talking away about today's training, while I sit here writing a letter to you. The thing is, I prefer the quiet and solitude, and he could never sit still for a minute without complaining. So you see, if Reno, Zachary and the General were all just normal privates like me (which Reno almost is and the other two were a very, very long time ago) then I think I would get along best with the General. Except then he'd just be Sephiroth, which he will never be now. It's a pity, really.
So I'm scouting around for a sparring partner now. We've done a preliminary test of all the different weapons that ShinRa uses, to get a feel for what we like the best. Reno likes fighting with staffs and nightsticks and has been specialising in them for a while now. I personally prefer swords; there's something a lot more personal and intimate about fighting with a sword. It's also a lot easier to control what you want to do to a person when you use a sword, as opposed to say, a gun. Or maybe that's just me, but I'm definitely going to specialise in swords hereon. That was what the trials were for, of course. So Reno and I will be split up, and I need to find someone who will be doing swords as well, to spar with me.
Truthfully, I'd love to wield a sword like the one that Zachary has. He's obviously got the build to use it, and I don't. But that's something I'm sure I can remedy. My body has chosen this time to shoot up, so I'm no longer quite the little boy you remember. I'll try and have a photo taken sometime to send you. I've been working out at the gym every moment I can, so I've gotten a bit more built up. I still don't think it's enough to wield the Buster Blade, though.
And that's the name of Zachary's weapon. I actually got up the courage to ask him, after the General had given his speech, and Zachary was just wandering around the class. We were practising our individual katas and I was just getting a drink of water when he came over and said hi to me (he said hi to everyone – you see what I mean about friendly?) and that was when I asked. It's a beauty of a sword, about the width of three arms, I'd guess. It's almost as tall as he is, and he wears it strapped to his back. There are the slots for Materia, of course, and he claims that it's capable of stopping even bullets.
This letter is getting rather long, so I think I will close here. I miss you dreadfully, and your wonderful home-made apple strudel almost as much. You wouldn't believe the kind of rot they pass off as food here. I'm almost tempted to take over the kitchens myself – I almost miss the days you sat me down and made me learn how to cook!
Love,
Cloud
--
"Another tape, Mother, like the very first time I ever sent you anything from Midgar. I never apologised about that, did I? It must have been a dreadful way to learn that your only son had run off to some far-off city to become a soldier. In any case, I apologise now, since I've thought of it.
"You'll hear the wind in the background and the lovely music of crickets chirping, perhaps. They're not testament to my wonderful abilities as a narrator, I should hope. Rather, it's because I'm outside at the moment. It's nearing eleven at night now, and just about all my squad and bunkmates are out partying. In other words, we have the next week off, and everyone's taking full advantage of it. Rather than getting drunk – and I'm not legal for that anyway, though that didn't seem to deter the others – I thought I'd just take a book out here to read. I'm not sure why I grabbed the tape recorder then, but I'm glad I did. It's too dark to read now, so I'm sitting here looking at the sky and the light from the buildings and speaking to you. Or to the tape recorder, but I can imagine it's you.
"You can't see the stars from here, mother. It's sad, really. Remember how you used to tell me to count the stars when I couldn't sleep? Most people count sheep, I think… but stars have always seemed a more attractive alternative to me. Besides, with my insomnia I'd count sheep, name them, invent life stories for them, watch their offspring grow up and I still wouldn't be able to sleep. But I'd never run out of stars to count.
"It's at times like this that I miss Nibelheim the most, I think. I don't think about it so much even though it's so different here all the time. Nibelheim is tiny, there's no escaping that fact, and I felt like some wannabe country hick when I first arrived here. Midgar is huge and so noisy and crowded and polluted that I immediately wanted to run home to my mountain ranges. Oh, not mine, not really, but they might as well have been, for all the time I spent exploring them. But anyway, I don't miss Nibelheim that much anymore. Just when I think of the stars, and of you.
"I hope you're doing better now, mother. You mentioned in your last letter that you've found a new job at the inn? Good on you then. I don't think Tifa's father will be too fond of you though, by simple association. He detests me, hateful demon spawn that I am, so he might take it out on you. Be careful.
"I hate the way people categorise me. You, mother, at least you came from Nibelheim originally. They couldn't quite forgive you for leaving and marrying an outsider, but at least you were originally one of them, so your sins weren't quite as bad. Me? I was the product of an outsider, half an outcast, half unwanted. So they poured all their loathing onto me. Nibelheim is probably even more xenophobic than Wutai is, but as the target of such hatred, I…
"I'm sorry, I sounded bitter there. I'd erase it, but it's too dark to even see the buttons on the tape recorder, so I won't try. And anyway, you always said you wanted me to be honest with you, right? I don't know very many children who would be this close to their mothers, but I think it's because you insisted on that honesty. Because you never hid anything from me, always explained everything to me, because you always took me seriously even when I was three and whimpering about a monster in the closet. Did I ever do that?
"I think I should get back inside now. I'll write when I can."
--
Dear Mother,
Of all the embarrassing things that could have happened! As it turns out, General Sephiroth was out that night I recorded that last message to you. Now, pull out the tape and play it back and you'll see why I'm still red even now. I know I said some things in that tape I didn't want people here to know, about Nibelheim and all.
But he's been brilliant about it, really. Actually, he waylaid me on my way back to the dorms after showering. Perfect timing, really; there was no one else there. And he apologised about overhearing everything. The only reason I even decided to make the recording there was because I thought there was no one else around. He realised that, I think, and was actually sorry that he'd intruded on a private moment. It wasn't his fault, of course, and I told him that – it's hardly his fault if I decided to be a dolt and make a recording like that out in the open. But still, I think I'll be sticking to letters as much as I can from now on.
If you don't mind, mother, I'd like to talk a bit more about General Sephiroth. I'm sure you remember what I last wrote about him. About how sad and lonely he seemed to me, and how I seemed to be the only person who saw him that way. Well, after today I'm more convinced than ever about that. The whole time he was speaking to me, he had his eyes locked on mine – unflinching and straightforward, and yet, so cold. Not the kind of cold that turns your eyes to ice because you're really an unfeeling bastard, but the kind of cold that turns you glacial because you don't want people to know that you can feel. There's a difference, but I don't think people really see that. In any case, his is the latter, as I said. He feels, maybe too much, and he doesn't want anyone to know that he does.
I wonder why he feels the need to hide like that… I have a feeling that it goes beyond the impartiality and confidence he must exude, as a General. It's as if there is a particular person that he is trying to keep away from him. There are rumours about him, of course, endless rumours, but I don't believe any of them. I won't believe them unless he tells me they're true himself. But I can very easily believe that he's been hurt before, repeatedly.
If he and I were of equal rank, I would love to introduce him to you. Heaven knows you've given me enough love. I'm sure you could spare a little for him, and I don't think he's ever had anyone mother him before. You'd have him worshipping you in no time.
And that's what I've been trying to lead up to. Don't call it hero-worship, mother, because it's not. But I have another reason for wanting to make Soldier First Class now, beyond the monetary. They may get paid the most (and therefore you will be most comfortable) but they are also the people who come into contact with General Sephiroth the most. They are just about the only ones who have any influence with him, beyond the corporate big-wigs here at ShinRa. He couldn't possibly be a private, to be on equal standing with me, but I'm determined to rise to at least Zachary's level, so I can be closer to him.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Thank you for understanding. Your support means everything to me, I think you know that. If you'd sent me an angry, tearful missive that first time, I would have come home. I think you know that too. You're capable of understanding people, mother, and that's one of the things I envy about you. No matter the type of person, you've got the measure of them within a minute of meeting them. I can't really do that, myself.
Zachary showed up at another training session today, sans the General. He seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time staring at me (though all my bunkmates claim that he was looking at them), which made me more than a little uncomfortable. I think the General might have mentioned me to him, and I don't know what he said, exactly. Not knowing is killing me. You know my complete lack of patience with secrets that involve me.
Surprise birthday parties would probably never sit well with me. At any rate, I liked our private little celebrations at home much more than any huge bash that my bunkmates could possibly describe.
In your last letter, you asked if I'd found a sparring partner. The answer is, unfortunately, no. The good news, however, is that few people have found permanent partners. The rest of us who haven't simply rotate every lesson, and that's giving me a good look at lots of interesting techniques. Still, our instructors want us to find a permanent partner soon, since we'll be working on pair-work soon. I'm thinking I'll ask Holt. He's not in my dorm, but he's a decent sort, from what I've seen of him during lessons. The rather shy, unobtrusive sort. We should get along fine.
It has been a day since I wrote the above, and I thought I'd write a bit more before posting this off.
I think I do feel the beginnings of hero-worship now, as far as General Sephiroth is concerned. Today, all the new recruits got to see him in action. It's one thing to watch movies of him fighting, and quite another to see him best three Soldiers (First Class, no less) without even breaking a sweat. He certainly deserves his title. I don't think I could ever reach that level of skill. He possesses a terrifying amount of it. So yes: hello, hero-worship.
He's a brilliant fighter, and yet I think he hates killing. What an odd paradox in a soldier – in the Soldier.
Must run to make the post now. I'll write again later.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Remember what I said about you always having the measure of people, no matter what they were like? I reiterate that statement. Reading over your last letter to me, I'm positive that you're right on every count. It's sad to think of though, isn't it? And yet everything about General Sephiroth lends itself to such sadness. His skin seems so very easy to break. Is it odd, that I should see someone so powerful as fragile?
And that's it for the serious stuff. Today I will write about inconsequential things, because I'm far too tired to indulge in any philosophical thoughts. In fact, I'm almost too tired to write, and I'd like very much to get some sleep, but I won't be able to – my bunkmates are making too much of a racket. Why? Well, besides the fact that they're all exuberant youngsters (I feel older than them sometimes), tomorrow's another day off for us. Since we don't have to be up early tomorrow, they've decided to stay up late today. I rather suspect someone will come in soon to tell them to shut up.
I forgot to thank you for sending the strudel. You needn't have been afraid about it not staying fresh. Post to and fro the military is given priority, so it got here within the day, even though it was sent from Nibelheim. It was fresh enough and I borrowed the kitchen facilities to heat it up a little. I shared it with my bunkmates – there was just enough to go around – and you now have new converts to your cooking. They're all plotting to come around to Nibelheim sometime so that they can have more of your cooking. Fasten the hatches, mother, you're about to be besieged.
I also gave a little to Zachary, for himself and for General Sephiroth. I'm not sure I should have done the latter, but what's done is done, I suppose. Oddly enough, Zachary's been making a few overtures of friendship towards me. I don't quite understand why he'd want to be friends with a private, but he's a nice enough person that I don't mind. I may not be able to read people as well as you, mother, but I know that I can tell whether a person's good once I see them.
I saw Professor Hojo in the corridors yesterday. I didn't even speak to him, just saluted… and yet he made me feel so cold. Not the way General Sephiroth does. His was a kind of cruelty and vindictive pettiness I've never before encountered in anyone else.
But I don't think I'll ever have to be in direct contact with him… until I make Soldier (if ever). That possibility scares me. That I'd have to let him inject me with mako…
It does no good to dwell on what may not come to pass, as you always tell me. So I'll try and forget it for now. Besides, I said I'd stick to light-hearted topics, didn't I?
What's light-hearted? Reno has just managed to get everyone laughing with one of his stories. I'm not sure what it was, and I'm not sure I want to know. His stories tend to be rather ribald at times. He says he grew up on the streets of Midgar, and no one ever bothered to teach him manners. The others seem to appreciate his sense of humour. What I appreciate most about him, really, is his sense of loyalty. He's rather like a dog in that respect. Completely bull-headed about loyalty to someone, once they've earned it.
Oh, you asked about my bunkmates. Well, there are ten of us to each dorm, so I share the dorm with nine rather rowdy young men. I'm the smallest of the lot, even if I've grown a lot since I arrived here. The biggest is someone affectionately known as Hulk amongst us – his real name's Benny. I come up to about chest-height on him. He's really built as well. No problems lifting the Buster Blade, but he'd probably chop off his own foot with it. He's actually specialising in guns, and he's getting to be an amazing sharpshooter.
Reno, you already know of. He's a redhead, and he's got a redhead's temper, too. I write that because now he's yelling at someone – Ramelhorf, I think – about… ah, I see. Ram tore his pillow. I was wondering where the cotton came from. Reno'll have to go request another pillow, and good luck to him explaining where the other one went to. Ramelhorf, by the way, is from Gongaga, where Zachary also came from. He says that Zachary's the one he wants to be like, not the General. The other boys rag him to no end about it, but I think Zachary's a brilliant role model to have. So Ram rather likes me because I'm the only one who supports him in that. He's a rather loud sort, though, so I'm not too close to him.
Then there's Cadence, who's always made fun of for his name. Cadet Cadence has a ring to it, all right, but people always make fun of him for it. Our dorm's gotten pretty fond of him though, so we always stick up for him whenever someone tries to insult him in front of us. He brings quiet to a new level; barely ever talks. It's easy to forget he's there sometimes, he's got such an unassuming presence. It doesn't help he's the next smallest in the dorm, after me.
I'd write more, but my eyes are really falling shut of their own accord and I'm not even sure you'll be able to read my handwriting at this point. I think I'm tired enough now I'll be able to sleep even through the noise, so I'll close here.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Just a quick note to tell you that I'll be away on a training exercise for a month. You can still write if you want to, but don't expect a reply from me within the next five weeks.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Can we say fiasco? Oh, my team held up pretty well, I thought. But that was only because we didn't all need to be sent to the infirmary. Some of the other teams – they all had to be carried off the field. So much for a training exercise. It was more like a massacre, minus the gore.
Start a story at the beginning, that's what you always said, right? Let me try that again then. The exercise was purportedly to teach us how to think on our feet in a simulated battle. It's different fighting in a battle than when you're going through pre-scripted katas, of course, so you can see the need for exercises like this one. What they did, was have us split into five teams. The instructors made up the sixth team – they, along with two other teams, would be the enemy. The other three teams (which was where I was) were to be ShinRa military, fighting them off. On top of that, we were put into battle conditions. In other words, it was a field exercise and we had to expect ambushes and all that sort of thing. It was up to us to decide how and when to attack.
Obviously the other two teams had a bit of an advantage, since they had the instructors on their side. But the instructors only stepped in whenever someone from one of those teams had been disabled, so it wasn't too bad. Or it wouldn't have been, had there not been three Soldiers on the instructor's team! No sooner did we take out one of the opposing team than we were cut down. We might as well have rolled over and played dead. And the Soldiers aren't like the instructors; they don't pull their blows. Just blocking their swords was horribly painful, and my muscles are still protesting. That, there, is why some people had to be carted off the field.
In any case, the three "ShinRa" teams managed to eliminate the other two teams completely, before the instructors' team decided to wallop us a good one. By that time we only had about six people left, including me, and all of us were already tired. I'm pleased to report that I lasted the longest, but even then… I only lasted about three minutes against the Soldier I fought. I couldn't even get on an offensive against him, he had me constantly defending. The skills that Soldiers possess honestly leave me in complete awe, mother. I'm not sure I'll ever reach that level.
But let's not dwell on that. It might have been a massacre, but it was a great learning experience. We have the next two days off to recover, and for once I don't think anyone's thinking of partying. We're too busy nursing our bruised egos and bodies. And speaking of which, my arm aches terribly now, so I'll close here.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Zachary asked me today if I'd like to spar with him sometime. My response probably wasn't the most elegant I could have given – I spat my water out onto my food. Well, he shouldn't have asked something so very ridiculous when I was eating, I say. The others were just staring at me and him alternately. I don't think any of us were expecting that request, least of all me!
Well, when I finally managed to recover enough to ask him what he was smoking, he said that he was perfectly serious. I hadn't really paid attention to the fights at the end of the training exercise – remember, I told you about that last time? I was sort of preoccupied with the Soldier I was fighting. As it turned out, that Soldier was First Class, the only one on the instructors' team. According to Zachary (he told me this later in private), most of the privates just about keeled over and died once they were attacked by the other Soldiers (all Second Class). The fact that I was able to defend for a few minutes before I slipped up apparently caught the Soldiers' attention, and they mentioned me to Zachary. So now he wants to see what I'm really made of, in his words.
I was tempted to reply that I'm made up of much the same anyone else is – cells. But you'll be proud to know I refrained. The way he phrased it, it was an order pretending to be a request. So we've fixed a date for next week for us to spar.
I'm fully expecting him to mop the floor with me in two seconds flat, what do you think?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Well, I did it! I sparred against Zachary! I took your advice and tried to think positive, but about all I'd managed by the time of the fight was promise myself that he'd have to fight to take me down. I think I managed that, a little. He wasn't fighting at his full capacity, I don't think, but he did take a while to break through my defence. I even managed to go on the offensive once; but after that he stepped up his attacks, took back control and forced me on defence again. That was when he became a little more serious about the fight, and started really showing me just why he's a Soldier First Class. After that I only lasted a minute or so before he managed to quite neatly rid me of my sword.
I take pleasure in the fact that he was slightly winded at the end of the spar. Not noticeably, of course, but even he admitted to me that it was a decent workout. Not long enough, he says, and he also says that I need to bulk up more. He spent the next hour or so telling me everything I did wrong, everything I did right, and how I could improve on both. Apparently the way I handle a sword's fairly decent, but if I got a bit more muscle on me, I'd have the strength to follow up on my attacks. So it's back to the gym now for me, except this time, Zachary insists on overseeing my regime. He says he's going to start me on pumping weights, which I've not done before. Privates aren't supposed to, unless spotted by someone at least Sergeant rank and above; and I haven't exactly asked any of them to do that.
This is a good thing, I think. Zachary said that I'm actually ahead of my class. I'm almost afraid I'll get a swollen head, but then I think of the way the Soldiers fought, and I think of the way that General Sephiroth fought, and I know I'm so far from that level it's not even funny. So no danger of my ego inflating too much, but I'm really glad that Zachary's taken such an interest in me. He's proven to be a great friend (his sense of humour's a lot better than Reno's, I think) and now he'll be a great instructor as well, I'll bet.
I think I actually benefit when I'm being taught by someone who doesn't pull their blows. When the instructors do, I don't really get a feel for what that kind of a strike can do, you see. Half of how I learn is by mimicking the instructors, and if they're always striking at half-force, I'll never know how to hit full-force. Zachary has no such compunctions – every shot he throws at me is full-force, as I found out during our spar. He wasn't using his best moves, but what he was using, he did at full strength. My arms can attest to that; they were quivering just a couple of minutes in.
Oh! Zachary said that he loved your strudel, by the way. He sent his thanks and said he was only sorry the portion wasn't larger. He also claims that the General liked the strudel, but he refused to meet my eyes when he said that, so I'm not sure how accurate that is. I can't conceive of anyone not liking your strudel, so I'm convinced he ate the General's portion for him. In any case, he was dropping unsubtle hints that he'd love to sample more of your cooking, so if it isn't too much bother, could you send a bit more?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
You're a hit! You sent so much food that I could give Zachary a huge portion. And this time, I passed it to him in the mess hall, and the General was actually there, so I could offer him a piece myself. Zachary and the General always have lunch alone together in the hall, so at least I didn't have anyone staring at me incredulously when I did. General Sephiroth ate it then and there, and he said it was delicious, and this was the first time he'd ever tasted apple strudel that good – at which point I gave Zachary a very pointed look, and he refused to look anywhere near me and started whistling horribly out of tune. It seems my guess was accurate after all.
So anyway, not only do Zachary and General Sephiroth love your strudel, so do my squad-mates. I was able to share with all thirty of them this time (honestly, how did you manage to bake that much?) although we had smaller portions than Zachary and the General got, of course. You're much beloved by them now, and they are the reason there is a necklace in this envelope as well. They all chipped in to pay for it, and Zachary made the run out to town (he gets more privileges than we do). I personally think it's a very unsubtle hint for you to just get down here and cook for us everyday. The cafeteria staff seemed a little sullen that their plastic food was being forsaken for your strudel…
So to cut a long story short, far too many members of the military here have fallen in love with you. Should I get out the cudgels to beat off your admirers, mother?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
You are a brilliant gem of a person. Are you planning on sending food every week now?
I've decided to restrict your culinary delights to my bunkmates, Zachary and General Sephiroth now. If I start handing out food to everyone, I'll have people after me at all hours of the day, asking if you've sent any more. My bunkmates are bad enough as it is now! I swear they look forward to my weekly mail more than I do! I'd love to see their faces if your letter arrived without a package attached…
My bunkmates also can't believe that I can cook. Of course, my cooking's nowhere on the level of yours, but I think I can whip up a pretty decent meal, don't you? None of the nine can cook to save their lives, or so they claim. Reno regaled us with a story of how he managed to mess up boiling water. This was a week or so after he'd been taken in by an orphanage. He was hungry and wanted to make some oats for himself, so he set some water to boil. Then he got distracted by some kids playing outside, and went out to join them. He comes back an hour or so later to find the water had boiled away to nothing and the pot was just about ready to melt. I find it hard to believe anyone can be so culinarily uninclined, but evidently, there are people like that who exist. I just didn't think I'd have to share a dorm with nine of them!
Zachary's somehow managed to extract a promise from me to go over to his quarters this weekend and cook something for him. Soldiers get quarters that are more like apartments, you see. So they have kitchens, but a lot of the Soldiers just eat at the mess hall because they can't be bothered cooking. Zachary shares his apartment with General Sephiroth, but he said that the General probably won't be there when I come over. We're planning on some weight training at the gym, then a quick spar in the afternoon – and after that I'll head over to his quarters with him and make us dinner. I admit an ulterior motive… I don't have a kitchen or ingredients, so I'm forced to eat plastic food. At least this Saturday, I can be sure I'll have good food to eat!
Is it just me, or does it seem like all my letters lately are about food?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
You worry too much! Don't worry; it's nothing of the sort. It's nice to know you're not homophobic, but I'm not in a relationship with Zachary. I highly doubt he's looking for a relationship with me either; he's got a girlfriend called Aeris. They've been going out for a couple of months now and he seems pretty serious about her. And to answer your other question, no, the General doesn't have a significant other, as far as I know. He's the sort you'd say was married to their work. I don't think he's ever even entertained the thought.
Speaking of the General, it turns out he was there after all, on Saturday. He seemed as surprised as we were to see him when we came in. Apparently he'd finished work early for once and had been planning on just getting some rest at home. Would you believe he was actually planning on skipping dinner? Of course, the smell of my beef stir-fry convinced him to join Zachary and myself. I rather outdid myself with that, I think. Zachary managed to get pretty fresh produce (I'd given him the list of ingredients I'd need earlier) in the morning when I was still having P.T. I even made a butter cake and popped it in to bake while we ate dinner. It was done just about when we were, so it made a perfect dessert. And Zachary's just grateful he'll have something nice to eat at home… until the rest of the cake is finished and he comes crawling to me to make more.
Maybe I should forget about being a Soldier and just become a cook here. If I made good food, popular demand would ensure I stay here and get paid well.
General Sephiroth proved to be unexpectedly good company. I stayed at Zachary's till quite late (we have Sundays off, just like school). Earlier on, I'd managed to hold Zachary off for a good ten minutes when we were sparring, and he proceeded to tell the General about every little detail of our spar. I was just doing my best imitation of a tomato and attempting to disappear through the couch (I don't think I did that well, and Zachary was pointing out everything I'd done wrong as well!) when General Sephiroth looked over at me and said, "Well done then! There aren't many who could hold off Zachary for that long."
And then to make things worse, Zachary nods and agrees like a proud mother bird that's just shoved her chick out of the nest and seen it spread its wings. Which is what he reminds me of, really. I don't appreciate being compared to a chick (I'd definitely be called a chocobo chick, don't you think?) but it's such an uncannily accurate description of our relationship, I can't believe it's taken me this long to come up with it.
In any case. It's only just sunk in. General Sephiroth praised me.
Excuse me while I go look out the window for flying pigs.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Why on earth would you want to know more about my wonderful night out with the General and Zack?
But far be it for me to deny you your whims. I'll detail my day to you then:
In the morning, I had P.T. with my class, as per normal. This is not the part you're interested in, so I'll gloss over it. P.T. went well, and I was still feeling fresh by the time we were done. That was a good thing, as it turned out, because after lunch I was supposed to meet Zack at the gym to do some weights training. I was feeling considerably less fresh by the time that was done, and after that we had a spar. That lasted all of ten minutes, since I was tired already, as if I stood any chance against him when I was fresh. After the spar, we spent an hour or so going over the fight, working out my weak points and figuring out how I could improve myself.
After that, I went back to my quarters with Zack, who promptly made himself at home on my bed and stole one of my books to read. I had a quick shower, changed and joined him; then we walked over to his quarters (after I'd pried the book out of his hands). We walked in the door and were surprised to see General Sephiroth sitting there in the living room. He seemed surprised to see us too, anyway. And here's the part that you said you wanted a scene-by-scene replay of, right? So here goes:
I walked in after Zack and nearly crashed into his back, because he'd stopped just inside the door. Peering around him, the first thing I saw was silver. General Sephiroth's hair is always the first thing I notice about him; I suspect most people are the same way. The next thing I noticed was his eyes, which were still as sad as ever, but now also seemed faintly surprised. (That's something I don't think most people notice, the sadness.) He spotted me and enquired as to what I was doing there, whereupon Zack explained that he'd conned me into cooking him dinner.
I'll admit I'm puzzled about Sephiroth's reaction to that. His jaw actually tightened, as if he was unhappy about that. I didn't think it was such a big deal that Zack had invited me over, really, but I suppose that General Sephiroth's the sort of person who values his privacy. I don't think he took kindly to me intruding on that privacy, because, after all, there's no place more private for him than his own quarters.
Zack says that General Sephiroth actually qualified for his own quarters, without having to share with anyone, but for some obscure reason, had agreed to stay with Zack when he'd asked. This explanation actually came earlier in the day, but I think it fits this place in my narrative.
In any case, that brief moment of displeasure vanished quickly and then General Sephiroth was rising and inviting me in cordially. Zack closed the door and pulled me off to the kitchen, talking about how he'd managed to get some good, fresh food that morning. When I inspected it, I found that the broccoli wasn't the best it could have been, but the rest of the stuff was decent enough, so I started preparing the stir-fry.
Zack and the General stayed in the kitchen while I cooked. I discovered that while Zack might wield a sword big enough to be the butcher's knife of the sword world, he has absolutely no finesse when it comes to slicing meat. I learned this the hard way and subsequently had to chase Zack away from the food whenever he protested that he could help me. You know my stir-fry – most of the work is in the preparation, but it's easy to cook once all the cutting's done. I will say here that the General seemed somewhat amused at the sight of me chasing a grown man around his own kitchen telling him to stay away from the beef if he knew what was good for him. In retrospect, it probably was quite funny, wasn't it?
I don't think you want to know about what we spoke of, exactly. The General did complain about the amount of paperwork he's had to do lately. Too many mako reactors are having problems, if not outright failing, and the brass isn't happy. Of course, it's fallen on the General to get things sorted out, but that's meant a copious amount of paperwork. Zack was most unhelpful on that matter, electing to laugh at the General rather than offer constructive advice. I told the General that he could always delegate some of the paperwork to his subordinates; perhaps some Soldiers that he trusted, such as Zack, for instance. That shut Zack up properly, and he looked absolutely horrified – even more so when General Sephiroth said that he'd certainly have to consider that idea, and that it had great merit. It was far too fun baiting Zack, but he really just set himself up for it.
I also discovered over the course of the dinner that the General and I have much the same sense of humour – you know, dry and not very easily discernable, kind of deadpan. This led to numerous concerted attacks on Zack, who eventually decided that he was washing his hands of us and proceeded to sulk. I had to win him over with my butter cake, which thankfully came out quite well. It's almost up to the standard of yours, mother!
In any case, the General and Zack both agreed that they'd never eaten so well before. I'll believe the General on that count, since he's grown up with the military (and therefore with horrible food) but I'm sceptical about Zack. The fact remained that they'd definitely enjoyed it, if the way both of them gave the saucepan dirty looks when it was empty was any indication.
After that, we sat around the living room and I think the General had just about forgotten that he didn't originally want me there in his house. At any rate, he treated me very well. He's certainly different in private. I think he's so used to putting on a persona when he goes out that he can only let himself be himself at home. And even then, he's not entirely sure how to be himself, because the mask is so much a part of him that he doesn't know where the mask ends and where he begins. But he was nice to me, and I'm astounded to find myself really liking him, the way I like Zack.
Remember how I said once that I thought the General and I would get along famously if only we were of equal rank? Saturday night proved me right, I think, even if we were still on completely different levels. I'd never dreamed I'd have the opportunity to get to know him while I was still a private, mother. It's like a dream come true, to be horribly clichéd.
I can't say that we're friends now, but he acknowledges me by name when we pass each other by in the corridors, and his eyes are just a fraction less cold when he looks at me, and that's enough for me.
To round up that night: I left at around eleven. Zack insisted that I had to come around more often, and that both he and General Sephiroth would be more than glad to have me drop by anytime, even if I didn't schedule anything with them before hand. In other words, he clarified when I looked at him blankly, I was welcome to drop by uninvited – because as far as he was concerned, I had a standing invitation to his quarters. I was about to point out that he couldn't very well speak for the General, when the General himself added his assent to that statement. That, I'll admit, left me flummoxed enough that I agreed without realising. I also agreed to come over on Saturdays and make them dinner. I have a feeling this is going to become a new ritual, and it's one I'm looking forward to. General Sephiroth is so much more human at home, and such enjoyable company, and Zack's just fun to be around all the time.
I hope this sates your curiosity?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I still don't understand why you wanted that replay of that first Saturday, or why you sounded so smug when you wrote "I knew it!" You didn't even explain that – what did you know? And why do I know you're not going to explain it to me?
Two more Saturdays at Zack's, one with the General and one sort-of without. Last week, he wasn't home when I went over. In fact, it was when I was leaving that I saw him. I usually walk back to my quarters myself (Zack only sees me to the door). I like walking myself anyway, and I had to assure him that I was perfectly fine walking back myself. He's worried that there may be some cadets who don't appreciate my friendship with him, since he's of such a high rank. There are rumours of favouritism floating around, I know, but all that's done is ensure that the instructors put me through even more stringent tests than most people go through. Still, I pass them and I'm grateful for the opportunity to improve, so I'm not complaining. The instructors seem to like the way I'm progressing too.
And I digress. I saw General Sephiroth as I was leaving the block in which Zack's quarters are located. My own dorms are in Barrack H, which is behind that block, so I was just turning the corner when I almost literally ran into the General. He didn't seem that surprised to see me, and I suspect he sensed me coming. For whatever reason, he let me crash into him. I really have to learn how to sense the presence of people…
Anyway, so he caught and steadied me and once I was over my surprise, he said that he was sorry he couldn't make it home earlier today. Let me see if I can remember the conversation (I have it almost memorised, I've been thinking about it so much):
"I apologise for not being able to make it back earlier, Cloud," he said to me. He speaks that way, sort of formal and reserved in his speech and tone and choice of words. Everything about him speaks of restraint, really; restrained power. Or restrained anger, I'm not sure which.
So I replied, "Oh, it's not a problem. I guess your work held you up?"
Then he frowned slightly and said, "Rather. The same problem I've mentioned before." Note that through this whole thing he was still holding me by the elbow, and he was surprisingly gentle about it. So much so, in fact, that I didn't even realise it.
To that, I brilliantly replied, "Oh." Insert short pause here, during which time I became aware that he actually looked tired. It was completely understandable, of course, but it was something unheard of to think of General Sephiroth as merely human. You just don't think of him being tired or anything, it's almost blasphemous. But that's what he looked like, like he wanted nothing more than to go home and collapse in bed without even changing or anything. This was also the moment when I realised that he was still holding onto my elbow. He saw me looking at his hand, but he only tightened his grip slightly instead of letting go.
"Perhaps you could come over tomorrow instead," he then suggested softly. Really, I had to lean forward to hear him, that's how softly he spoke. Almost as if he was nervous about saying it. Of course I replied, "I'd love to! I can't stay till too late though, so maybe in the afternoon?"
He actually seemed pleased that I'd agreed, and finally let go of my arm. "That will be fine," he agreed. "I will be home after noon."
"I'll make lunch," I volunteered then. "If Zack can get some food by tomorrow. Just tell him to buy some meat and vegetables, and I'll try and make something decent."
"That would be wonderful." – that was Sephiroth.
Then (pay attention, this is the reason I keep replaying this conversation in my head) I said, "I'll see you tomorrow then, General Sephiroth." That's how I address him, because he deserves respect and anyway, he outranks me so I have to. Even when it's just the three (or two) of us, I don't want to be presumptuous and call him by his name, and I'm sure you'll agree it's prudent for me to do so, right? I don't think I've ever referred to him as just "Sephiroth" before.
Anyway, then his eyes positively flashed, and he seemed really angry. That was just for the briefest of seconds though, and then he was calm again and said, "You're allowed to call me Sephiroth, Cloud. I believe you've earned that right."
Then he brushed by me and disappeared up the staircase, leaving me completely flummoxed down there. It took me a good few minutes to come to my senses and think that maybe yes, I should be getting back to the barracks after all.
I was sort of apprehensive about the next day, and yet looking forward to it. As it turned out, I couldn't make it after all because Captain Jackson decided to hold extra P.T. for us. Someone goofed off a bit too much last break and some civilians complained, so the whole squad doesn't have the next four weekends off. I didn't know anyone I could send to tell Zack and General Sephiroth, so I had to just stand them up (rude of me, wasn't it?). I did see Zack before class yesterday – Monday – though, so I explained to him and told him to apologise to the General on my behalf.
And here's the other reason that I'm puzzled about our conversation. Zack said that the General had really been looking forward to my visit on Sunday, and was upset when I didn't show up.
That, to me, sounds like someone who's anticipating a person's visit. As in, it almost sounds like General Sephiroth genuinely likes me, not just as Zack's friend, but as a person in my own right. Am I being too egoistical thinking that?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Explain the insane cackling, will you? I do not understand what you're on about! And don't say, "You know perfectly well what I'm talking about, don't you?" because I don't!
Now that that's out of the way, I've been wanting to tell you about another encounter I had with General Sephiroth. I hope you don't mind me writing all these things to you, mother, but you're the only one I could think of who would understand how I think.
So the General – or Sephiroth, as he insists I call him (when we're in private) – sent for me the other day. Not the most brilliant of moves, considering we were having lessons when Zack arrived with the message that the General wanted to see Cloud Strife, yes, that very moment, he's sorry about the inconvenience, pack up your things, Cloud, you won't be coming back till evening. This was just yesterday, on Saturday, and we were having our extra P.T. then, you see. So naturally I wasn't too upset about being pulled out of lessons, and followed Zack quite happily.
When we're a safe distance away from the hall, he turns to me and tells me to go to his house by myself, saying that he needs to attend a debriefing and will catch up with me later. So off I traipse to their quarters, wondering what on earth Sephiroth could possibly want with me, and feeling a little naked without Zack to hide behind.
But he was so nice. Sephiroth, I mean. When I knocked on the door, he opened it almost instantly, like he'd been waiting for me or something. And get this – when I asked why he'd asked for me, he actually laughed.
It's a very nice sound, but I digress.
Turns out that he and Zack had decided to rescue me from lessons. If anyone asked what he'd wanted with me, I was to say it was classified. As if anyone would press further after that! And in the meantime I had a Saturday off to enjoy with Zack and Sephiroth, except Zack had to go for an unexpected debriefing and therefore wouldn't be there for a couple of hours yet.
So that left Sephiroth and myself to entertain ourselves, and oddly, we got along fabulously well. He was the perfect host, offering me drinks when I sat down and all that. And they'd bought some biscuits, to go with the tea he made us. It's such an odd image; him being domestic. But it's such a nice image, all the same. The tea was delicious too, though not quite on par with your orange tea, I have to admit. I told him I'd teach him how to make your ginger oolong tea someday, and he seemed pleased at the prospect.
I wanted to know if they'd want me to cook lunch or dinner or something (I was perfectly willing and I meant it as a serious question). Sephiroth just started joking about it, saying that pretty soon they'd have to start paying me wages to come in and cook for them everyday so they didn't die of starvation or food poisoning. I was just telling him that they'd have to put in extra hours at the gym if I let them eat too well when the door opens and in comes Zack, bearing a huge cake and wearing a huge grin on his face.
I don't know how those prats discovered it was my birthday, but I love them for it. Remember how I said surprise birthday parties probably wouldn't sit well with me? Well, this one did! It was just the three of us, a very low-key celebration that mostly consisted of pigging out on cake and me tearing into the presents they got me. Well, they insisted I open them there, so I did! And they were brilliant, mother, really! Zack got me a book on sword-fighting with large swords; I think he realised I'm in lust with Buster Blade, and he knows I love to read, besides. I'm just about halfway through the book now and it's completely engrossing, I love it.
And Sephiroth! He gave me Materia! A Fire2, in fact, which is well beyond anything they've ever shown us. He said that he'd teach me how to use Materia, since Zack's handling the physical aspect of my training. So that Materia's mine, and as if that weren't enough, he gave me this beautiful charm bracelet as well. Just a single heart-shaped charm on it at the moment, and he says he'll get me another for each significant occasion that comes up. Zack then called him a cheapskate and I whacked him and Sephiroth said that he meant, on top of whatever other present he was going to get me and I told him he shouldn't spend so much money on me because he really shouldn't! But oh, I feel so good about myself now, knowing that they really do care about me enough to fake an excuse to get me out of class and set this all up and get me these presents.
Probably the best present of all was them later admitting to me that they think I have enough potential that I could request to be trained by a Soldier. You can do this if recommended by your instructors or a Soldier before the actual Soldier entry exams begin. Naturally if you're being trained by a Soldier, you're pushed a lot more and you'll move past your classmates fairly quickly. Zack said that he'd love to be able to teach me during more regular hours instead of our current once-weekly workouts together. Sephiroth also said that if I decide to go ahead with it, Zack will approve it and Sephiroth will make sure I get Zack as my instructor.
I can't wait, mother! I'm definitely going for it! I know Zack's going to push me to no end, but I'm actually looking forward to the bruises and complete exhaustion I'm sure I'll have to deal with. Sephiroth also said that if my application is successful, then he'll teach me how to use Materia and also strategy, since, in his words, "Zack couldn't win a chess match against a five-year-old." So if this goes through successfully, I'll be seeing a lot more of Zack and Sephiroth, which is going to be absolutely brilliant!
Here's to hoping you're proud of me, because I'm absolutely delirious with joy!
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
And now you want more details of the birthday celebration? I thought I covered the more important things, though in retrospect, I suppose I glossed over some things…
You wanted to know more about how Sephiroth and Zack treated me? Not much of a change from the usual, really, except that Zack was making jokes about how I'm legal now and they're never going to see me on my days off anymore because I'll be off with my bunkmates getting drunk. I won't be, don't worry. I don't really fancy the taste of alcohol, anyway, and I like the idea of losing control over myself even less.
Oh, and Sephiroth was a lot more pleasant. As in, he made a conscious effort to be more… cheerful? Not quite the word I'm looking for, I don't think. Let me try and explain about Sephiroth. In my experience, when we're with him, he has a habit of occasionally falling into silence. It's something that will happen of course, especially if Zack's prattling on as always. But there is a definite sadness in those silences, like he's thinking of something and he'd rather we didn't know about it, but wants so badly to share it with us. And like he wants very much to feel human affection and care, like he wants to experience something like love, but has no clue what it is. That's the impression I get, anyway. It's just so sad when he gets into those moods, but I'm just thankful that I'm not the only one who notices it. Zack and I notice almost immediately when he gets in one of these moods and we always try and draw him into the conversation again, out of whatever depression he's fallen into.
Anyway, when he's not in one of those moods, the most cheerful he ever gets is a kind of restrained (that word again) and… gentle? That's the word I'm looking for. A kind of gentle happiness, the sort you get when you're comfortable with someone and happy with life. Peaceful, almost. That's his kind of happiness; peace. The problem is that he can rarely maintain that kind of peace, because he always thinks of something that upsets him at some point or other. But that day, he made a conscious effort to maintain that peace, and he succeeded, for the most part.
You said that there was something I was leaving out. I don't know how you knew, but fine, I'll spill. It has to do with the "for the most part" at the end of the last paragraph. There was a call to the house around five, you see. Zack answered it, and took the message for Sephiroth. It was from one of Professor Hojo's assistants, reminding him that he needed to report to the Professor the next day for some tests or other. When he heard that, Sephiroth immediately sank into one of his moods. The thing is, we'd been getting along so well before that and seeing him upset sort of upset me as well.
So, being the brilliant son you've raised, I did the sensible thing and hugged him.
I blame you for being such a tactile person, by the way.
Well, he looked stunned, and Zack wasn't faring any better. After a few moments, my brain caught up to my body and registered what I'd done, which was basically snuggling into Sephiroth's side, a charm bracelet in one hand and both arms around his waist. It's odd that I remember the bracelet so vividly, but I do. I remember it pressing into my skin, the feel of the little heart against my palm.
But before I could pull away, Sephiroth went and relaxed in my arms. He even put an arm around my shoulder, effectively holding me there. And at that, Zack lost his shell-shocked look and started to look so very amused. I'm not entirely sure what was going on there, but I'm positive the look on his face was the one that goes something like, "I know something you don't!"
But anyway, it really looks like Sephiroth actually likes me! I'm still surprised by that, but also indescribably happy. You know I am, because I'm being so very eloquent in explaining things to you. The words just aren't coming to me, because every time I think of what happened, I'm just filled with this utter joy and I can't think straight anymore.
Who would've thought the day would come when Private Cloud Strife (once a punching bag) would be the person from whom the great General Sephiroth would take comfort?
My ego astounds me. Likely, I'm the only one idiotic enough to do such a thing and he was just amused!
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Are you serious? You cannot possibly think that Sephiroth harbours any sort of romantic feelings towards me. No, it's impossible. If he ever did feel romantically inclined towards anyone, and if he actually preferred men, I think he'd go for someone like Zack. And anyway Zack's been his friend much longer than I have. I know Zack's got Aeris, but still! I haven't known him nearly as long as Zack has, how could he be in love with me?
So now that I've dismissed that utterly ridiculous notion, would you mind if I told you I wish it could be true?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I love you.
You know exactly the sort of thing to say to make me feel better about myself, do you know that?
I don't think I'd ever tell him, no. I couldn't bear to lose our friendship, and anyway I'm not sure how he feels about me. I want to at least solidify our friendship before I try and move into anything else. I know I say that we get along well, but how well would we get along when we spend more time together? When each other's little quirks and annoying habits are revealed? Who's to say we won't grate on each other after a while?
I think about things like that, in which I think I am very different from most people my age. But I'd like to be sure of a relationship before rushing into it. I'd like to make sure it has at least a chance.
Yes, mother, I will insist on protection. Do you have any idea how red you made me turn with that?
But let's leave the drama of my (non-existent) love life, shall we? I've been accepted into the Soldier training programme. I told you I applied, right? Well, I was accepted fairly quickly, largely because I was approved by Zack. As a Soldier First Class, his opinion of me carries a lot of weight. Sephiroth didn't want to put his name to any more official documents than was strictly necessary, but he was our backup in case the bureaucrats decided they needed one more referee for me. As it turns out, Zack was more than enough.
So I start training with Zack starting next week. It's Tuesday now as I write this letter, so come next Monday, it'll be the beginning of a new training regime. I can hardly wait!
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. You sounded worried in your last letter. I'm sorry if I did worry you, but the fact is that I've been laid up in the infirmary for the past three weeks. Healing Materia isn't used on privates, and I insisted on not jumping the channels when Zack volunteered to. So I had to heal the old-fashioned way, and that took time.
And what exactly happened? In a word, jealousy. I suppose I've found my first bullies of Midgar, although it's not like there was any shortage of them back home. Anyway, some of the privates heard of my being accepted into the Soldier training programme and decided they didn't like that fact.
Let's just cut a long story short, eh? They waylaid me on the way back to my dorm after practise the day after I sent off that last letter to you. I was alone, so I'm sure they thought it would be easy for them. I'm pleased to say I managed to take three of them down before one of them clobbered me in the back of the head and knocked me out. When I came to, they decided to take the opportunity to make their displeasure with me known.
When I next came to, I was in the infirmary, with a worried Zack and furious Sephiroth in the room with me. Those involved have been dishonourably discharged, but not before being thoroughly whipped. The one who found us was Sephiroth, you see. And when he saw them kicking me, he apparently attacked them. He says he did give them one short warning, but they either didn't hear or didn't care, so he drew Masamune on them. Even using the blunt side of his blade, they were so badly injured that they needed to be healed up before being discharged.
After that display, I don't think anyone else will be vocal – or physical – about what I know a lot of people perceive to be favouritism. Do you think it is, mother? I've been thinking about it, and I suppose Zack and Sephiroth have been using their rank to benefit me sometimes. Is that necessarily a bad thing? And I know I made it into the Soldier training programme on my own merit. Even Sephiroth's influence couldn't help me pass the physical component of that test, which is what a large portion of the mark depends on. So do things like pulling me out of class for a surprise birthday party count as "favouritism"?
I'm rather confused about this, mother. I'd love to hear what you think, so please write back soon.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I told you that Sephiroth took care of them already! You're not coming down here and you're not going to beat them up to within an inch of their lives, understand? Though the sentiment is appreciated.
Thanks for being so honest, mother. I'll tell them to tone things down as well then. I suppose far too many things about our friendship could be misconstrued as favouritism.
I'm still technically on medical leave, and I'm not supposed to do anything strenuous, so my lessons with Zack are on hold. My arm hasn't quite recovered (my left arm was broken in two places, the worst of the injuries) so the doctor wants me to play it safe and just avoid exercise for another week or so at least.
Sephiroth said that maybe the healing facilities weren't authorised to use Healing Materia on me, but he had some at home and he was well-versed in how to use it, so he'd help speed things up a little if it looked like it would take too long to heal normally. I'm not sure if I should agree to it. I suppose I'll wait and see if my arm decides to heal on its own.
But anyway, even if I can't practise with Zack, I can have strategy lessons. That's what my days have been largely comprised of. My lessons generally take place in Sephiroth's office nowadays. He sets me work to do and expects it to be completed by a set time. Generally it's in the form of some sort of puzzle – yesterday he'd set out a chess game in progress on my table. I was black, and my job was to figure out how to checkmate white in one move. The problem was that black was clearly losing, and I could barely find a way out of the three traps that my king was in, let alone figure out a way to checkmate white. I still haven't figured it out, and I'm still thinking about it even now. Sephiroth said I had three days to figure it out, so it must be a pretty difficult one, but that doesn't make me feel any better about not being able to solve it.
Well, tomorrow will be another chance to figure it out. I'll sleep on it tonight. Maybe I'll dream the answer, eh?
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Well, my arm's decided to heal up nicely on its own, so I needn't worry about the Healing Materia anymore. I still have a nice, big bruise on my stomach, surprisingly, but it doesn't bother me much now. Zack and I have started our training, but he's taking it easy on me – or so he claims. Really, what I have to do is still harder than what privates are expected to. I wonder what training will be like when he deems me completely recovered? I'm oddly looking forward to it, even if my body protests.
The good thing about all this training is that I've gotten stronger. I didn't realise before, but over the past few months, I've actually managed to put on enough musculature to use the Buster Blade. I still have trouble with it when I'm doing the harder moves, but I can do basic katas and drills with it quite fluidly now. Zack's been brilliant about letting me try it out, though he was careful to stay well out of reach the first time – in case, you know, I accidentally lopped off his arm or something.
The thing is, my body doesn't show the muscles too much. I'm taller and more built now than when I left Nibelheim, true, but I'll always have a more slender, lithe build than most people who go through a regime like this. The majority of them bulk up a lot, but my body's such that I won't. Zack and Sephiroth agree that's a good thing, because I'm likely to be underestimated then, so I have the element of surprise on my side. Zack also told me (for future reference) that if someone picks on me and I don't think I can win the fight, remember who it was so they'll know who to go after. I said I'd probably just run. Pride be-damned, I'm not letting that happen to me again!
The techniques we're taught have beautiful names – Butterfly and Crescent Moon and Rising Sun. Strung together into katas, they're indescribably beautiful to watch, especially when someone like Sephiroth or Zack executes them – the kind of smooth, practised artistry that you'll never see anywhere else. And yet these beautiful movements are lethal. There is such a pitiful irony about that, that I simply cannot bear to think about – and yet I must.
If I am sent to war, what becomes of the people I kill, and their families? I've thought about that so much and I still don't have a good answer. Even if I'm asked (which I doubt) I wouldn't want to join the Turks. Officially, they scout for Soldier candidates, and are bodyguards to President Shinra and his son. Unofficially, they're assassins for ShinRa. I couldn't possibly do something like that, not if I'm upset about having to kill soldiers I meet in battle. I understand the necessity, but I don't have to like the idea.
Enough of being depressing. I'll keep you updated on my training. Be warned that my letters may be a bit more sporadic hereon. Between Zack running me ragged and Sephiroth's mind games (I solved the chess game! Just move the rook!) I'm barely left with the energy to think a letter to you, let alone actually have the time and strength to write one.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Thank you for the fruit cake! No matter how many times I make it, I can never quite get mine to taste like yours. Zack's in love with you all over again, and listen to this: Sephiroth said he'd love to meet you! His exact words (if I remember right) were, "I'd love to visit her someday; she seems so nice. And I know I'll be well-fed, anyway." Zack promptly suggested that they organise a little sojourn to Nibelheim, and I then hit him for suggesting it. I promised I'd be a Soldier First Class before I returned, after all! And the next Soldier exams are… well, two weeks from now, actually, but I'm nowhere near ready for them yet. So the next ones after that are three years from now, and that's what I'm waiting for.
But Sephiroth then said that seriously, ShinRa might send out a troop to Nibelheim soon. With all the problems with the reactors they've been encountering, they're stepping up inspections on all mako reactors, and the Nibelheim plant's long overdue for one. The official announcement will be out tomorrow, so you might have heard of it by now, but in any case he's cleared me to write to you about it. If I do end up being in the platoon they send… well, so much for being a Soldier First Class when I next return, but at least I'll get to see you.
Short letter today because I'm flat-out exhausted. My bed's calling my name, so I'll close here.
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
Zack is insane.
I didn't even realise what he was up to, actually. But what he did was put down my name for the Soldier tests. That's the reason I haven't written, I was panicking about what he'd done and frantically trying to get some last-minute training in.
All in all, I don't think I screwed up too badly, but my fight didn't go as well as I wish it could have. I think I lasted against that Soldier quite well, but if I'd managed to counter his last attack with Crescent Moon instead of Flight of the Bird (which was what I used) then I might have… well, not won, but given him a bit of a scare at least! At least the written part of the exam went swimmingly well, so maybe that will pull up my overall score. There was only one question I wasn't sure about, and I think all the rest were right.
The results will be out next week. I'm not expecting to make it in, but it's nice to dream, I guess. I'd love to make Soldier Third Class and then be able to make my way up from there.
Let me also just say here that I'm insanely thankful for Zack's training. He fights me as a Soldier First Class, you see, unlike my old instructors who always toned down their attacks. Fighting Zack got me used to being pitted against that level of skill, and I think that's why I lasted as long as I did in the exam. I've still not bested Zack even once, but my current record fighting against him is twenty minutes. Pretty good, I'd say.
Details out tomorrow about who'll be in the platoon to Nibelheim. Sephiroth's heading it and he's definitely taking Zack with him – so even if I'm not there, look out for them! Sephiroth… I'm sure you know what he looks like. Zack's the dark-haired guy you'll undoubtedly see near Sephiroth. Perpetually has a grin on his face, slightly shorter than Sephiroth. If you know what the uniform of a Soldier First Class looks like, look for it. Oh, and his hair spikes worse than mine. Give Zack a pie or something; he'll love you forever (not that he doesn't already).
Love,
Cloud
--
Dear Mother,
I'm astounded, in shock, stupefied, and all the rest of that jazz.
I made it!
Soldier Third Class!
Still amazed, in wonder and some modicum of disbelief here in Midgar. In two days, I will be amazed in Nibelheim.
So yes, I'm being posted there as well, under Zack's command. As my sponsor in the Soldier programme, he's responsible for me, in a sense. Now that I'm an actual Soldier… well, Third Class is like being a private, only amongst the Soldiers. It's supremely hard to work your way up the ranks of the Soldiers, and Zack said that I'm not quite ready for that. He took a leap of faith in enrolling me for the exams, but he said he thought I'd be able to just about scrape through, which I did.
Anyway, I now have actual lessons to go to, instead of Zack's thinly-disguised torture sessions. That'll be worse, in a way, since now I'll be in a group of people (most of whom will have passed with better grades than me) and I'll have to answer to someone I don't know. The good thing is that even while I was being taught by Zack, I still had to defer to everyone else, so military discipline is still quite engrained in me. I don't think it'll be too hard settling back into that lifestyle, though I'll miss seeing Zack and Sephiroth. Soldiers Third Class don't really get days off. Saturday's a full day of training, and we only get half of Sundays off. There go my weekly dinners with them.
But this is one step closer to them too, so I'm still happy about it. And I'm still under Zack's sponsorship anyway – oh, let me explain that a little. Each Soldier Third Class is sponsored by a Soldier First Class. We're taught by Soldiers Second Class, and the sponsors are who the instructors report to if they have any trouble with us. Our sponsors also get regular reports on our performance in class, and are responsible for dealing with any trouble-makers.
Sponsors also have a say in whether a Soldier Third Class is ready to take the exams for Soldier Second Class. The exams are necessary to prove you have the skills; but your promotion still needs to be approved by gazillions of bureaucrats as well. And from Second Class to First Class it's even worse; you need to take three different competency tests, be approved by at least ten Soldiers First Class, and be approved by the General. I may be friends with Sephiroth, but he's fair above all else, and he won't pass me unless I really deserve it. Knowing him, he'll probably he harder on me than on anyone else, just to nip accusations of favouritism in the bud. We're all a little paranoid after what happened the last time.
Only after you mentioned it did I realise I've not written very much about my old squad-mates, or my bunkmates. Well, honestly, I've not seen very much of them lately. A normal day for privates begins at five and ends at seven thirty. Dinner's at eight and then they have free time. Their day consists of physical training and sparring, that sort of thing. I wake up at five with the rest of them, but that's about all I have in common with their day. My day runs more like this:
At five o'clock I wake up. If there's time (i.e. if people aren't hogging the showers) I have a quick shower before dressing and rushing down for breakfast. P.T. starts at six thirty for my bunkmates, and they're only one hall down from the mess hall. As for me, I'm supposed to meet Zack at six in the Soldier training hall, which is about ten minutes' run away. I usually do run there, so that I'm warmed up by the time I get there. Then I train with Zack until one, when we break for lunch. My bunkmates get lunch at one thirty, so I'm gone by the time they arrive. I only get half an hour for lunch (though it's enough, really; the mess hall isn't that crowded then), and then it's back to the Soldier training hall for more sparring with Zack. At around six, we stop training, and until seven thirty he tells me everything I did wrong, and teaches me new moves.
I end the physical training regime at seven thirty and head back to my dorms to shower and change. By about eight I'm down in the mess hall for dinner. I eat with my bunkmates, and they're still nice enough to me even though I'm not there all the time anymore. After dinner they have free time, but I'm expected to be up at Sephiroth's office by nine o'clock at the latest, and until ten thirty or eleven I have to learn strategy, fighting theory and Materia use with him. At around eleven-ish I stumble back to the dorms to find most of my bunkmates already asleep. I crash onto the bed and wake up six hours later to repeat the whole process.
You see why I said it's exhausting?
My regime will change once I start the Soldier training. Then it'll be something like:
0630-1300: P.T. and other training
1330-1430: Lunch (which only takes that long because it'll be crowded)
1430-1700: More training
1700-1900: Strategy and theory
1900-2000: Theory of Materia
And from then on, dinner and free time. It's a little better than the crazy schedule that Zack and Sephiroth had me working with (though I'll say freely that I enjoyed every moment of it).
But whatever the schedule and whatever my regime, I'll have a bit of a reprieve from it when I come to Nibelheim. We're leaving tomorrow, so who knows, I might beat this letter there. I'm just writing it now because I actually have time (surprise, surprise) and I felt like writing something to you. We'll see who gets there first!
Love,
Cloud
tsuzuku
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