Tsuzuki sat at his desk trying to look like he was working. He was lost in his worry about the way Hisoka was acting lately. His young partner was generally aloof, but the past week he hasn't even said so much as a good morning to Tsuzuki. What was worse was he didn't even get annoyed when the older man did something that irritated him. For example, yesterday Tsuzuki had managed to spill teaon two files and lose another one all before lunch. Tatsumi had to spend the rest of the day helping him try to reconstruct the information. Usually Hisoka would fume and yell at Tsuzuki, but the young Shinigami was quiet. Now Friday found Tsuzuki spending the morning trying to think back to anything he may have done to make Hisoka mad.
Our case load was really light this week, so I'm actually caught up. I haven't broken anything, got in a fight with Terazuma or made Tatsumi yell too much. I hope Hisoka isn't tired of being my partner. I like being with him, he's so smart, tough and cute.
By the end of the day Tsuzuki decided that if Hisoka wasn't going to talk to him he would do something about it. So when he saw Hisoka shut off his computer, Tsuzuki was there at the door waiting with Hisoka's coat.
"Hey Hisoka why don't we get some dinner or maybe just take away and go to my house." Tsuzuki said trying to be convincing.
"No thanks." He answered coolly
"Come on you have been avoiding me all week, what's going on?"
"Nothing, I'll see ya." Hisoka grabbed his coat and headed down the hall.
Tsuzuki quickly caught up with the young man and grabbed his shoulder. "Wait Hisoka."
"Don't touch me." He growled, his defensive power flaring.
Tsuzuki let go shaking his stinging hand and stepped back. He stood close to Hisoka putting one hand on the wall by the blonde's head. With his partner's full attention he said "Sorry, but you and I need to talk. Partners can't just avoid each other. Tell me what's going on. Let me help you Hisoka."
The green eyed man didn't want Tsuzuki to know how much he was hurting. He wanted desperately to tell him what was wrong. He wanted to be able to trust his partner, but he was so confused. To make things moredifficult, he was very angry with the powerful Shinigami. "Fine, I know you won't leave me alone if I don't, but let's not talk in the hall. I'm tired and I want to go home. My place is closer, we can go there." Hisoka scowled and walked away.
Tsuzuki followed quietly. At least Hisoka agreed to talk; now we can solve this matter. I hope it wasn't something I did. I know I can be a bit dense sometimes, but it's not like I mean to.
When they arrived at Hisoka's neat little apartment, Tsuzuki was amazed at how bare the place was. Well I guess I should have expected it by the way he keeps his desk at work.
"Well come in if you're going to, don't just stand there." He said dully.
"Oh, right" Tsuzuki hung his coat on the peg by the door. "I know it's your place, but do you want me to make you tea?"
"Whatever. I'm going to change." Hisoka went into the bathroom.
His home didn't have a real bedroom. Instead it was just two rooms. A small kitchen joined with the living room. Tsuzuki noticed the Hisoka must use the futon for both a bed and a sofa. A small dresser next to the futon was all Hisoka had for his clothes. The tea kettle whistled and Tsuzuki found two cups and poured the hot water in the tea pot.
"Hey your place is so clean, but it could use a few plants." Tsuzuki said brightly trying to lighten the mood.
"I guess." Hisoka murmured. Tsuzuki poured the tea and handed a cup to Hisoka. "We can sit in here." The blond said motioning to the futon.
"Sure that's fine." Tsuzuki said. "Now, tell me what's wrong. You know you can trust me." He brushed Hisoka's hair out of his eyes. "I care for you Hisoka. It bothers me to see you upset."
Hisoka turned and looked into those deep amethyst eyes. Eyes he felt he could get lost in. Tsuzuki has no idea that just by being himself he makes me feel things I don't understand. My chest hurts when I look at him sometimes. Then other times my heart races and I get all sweaty. Is it just friendship? Love? I don't even really know what it is. Tsubaki said she might have loved me if it wasn't for Muraki. Was what I felt for her love? I never had either friendship or love. With nothing to compare it to I'm just confused.
"Hisoka?" Tsuzuki tipped his friend's head up to look into his eyes. "It's alright, tell me."
He asked so softly and lovingly that Hisoka felt the tears that had threatened all week to fall, begin to form. "I want to trust you, but it's so difficult." He flung his arms around Tsuzuki and cried into his chest.
Startled, Tsuzuki just sat for a moment before he returned the embrace. "Oh now Hisoka is it really that awful?"
The smaller man felt comforted by the arms around him. He tried to calm his tears and get himself together by taking deep breathes. He sat back and looked down at his hands in his lap. "I don't know what the problem is. I don't know what to think, what to do. I feel so confused." He sniffed.
"Just start at the beginning and we can sort it out together." Tsuzuki gave him a small smile.
"Alright, but you have to understand this is not easy for me."
"I know and I appreciate you trusting me." Violet eyes watched as the young man gathered his thoughts.
Hisoka took a deep breath and then a sip of tea. "Well, it's hard to explain. I guess I started feeling this way during our case involving Tsubaki-hime. As you know that was a very difficult case for me, I still have nightmares about what I did to her."
Tsuzuki took his hand. "Oh, Hisoka I am so sorry."
"Don't interrupt or I won't be able to get it out. She told me she tried to fall in love with me so she would forget about Muraki, but I was so blind to her feelings. All I could think about how she could have loved someone like that man. Then I did some thinking and came to you for advice, remember. Then I decided I didn't want to lie to her so I confessed to being a Shinigami. She was still so kind to me I guess I did feel something for her. I just don't know quite what it was." He turned to his partner. "Was that love? How could it have been it hurt so much? But recently I started having these other feelings that are just as confusing and strong, but not as painful. How can I know what is true?"
"I don't really know. If its love I guess you just know, it will feel right. At first it's all you can think about and then you get the hang of it and it feels warm and tingly when you think about the one you love. It's hard to explain. I love all my Shikigami, but it's not a romantic love. "
"Well that's not much help. I guess I'll just figure it out on my own. Just forget get it." He grunted.
Tsuzuki shook his head. If Hisoka was trying to figure out if he was in love with someone, I'm not sure I'm the one to ask. "Then why are you so angry?"
"I'll tell you." He said angrily. "The other day I heard you and Watari talking in the hall. I was waiting outside the library for Tatsumi. He was going to help me with some research I'm doing. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but you guys were kind of loud."
"You mean on Tuesday? Oh, Hisoka I…." Tsuzuki started.
"Don't try and deny it I heard the whole conversation." He snapped.
"But you don't understand." Tsuzuki tried to interrupt.
"Oh I think I do. I heard Watari say and I quote; did you see the way he was looking at you? If he was any more obvious I think even someone as sexually repressed as Tatsumi could have figured it out. And then you said, Well I did notice the way he was hinting, but he's so young. I would feel like an old pervert if I had responded to his childish sexual advances. If I were to get into a relationship it would be with someone a bit more mature, but you know he is very cute. When I saw him looking so sad I just wanted to take him in my arms and hold him. Then Watari said that age shouldn't matter, as long as the person was of legal age, love was love. All you did was laugh and say, yes but who wants to bed an inexperienced child.
Hisoka was visibly upset and on the verge of crying when he was finished, but he still wouldn't let Tsuzuki talk. "Is that what you truly think of me? That I am a child!" He yelled. He stood up and glared down at Tsuzuki.
"Oh god Hisoka, I don't think you are a child." He tried to pull Hisoka to him to comfort the angry young man, but Hisoka slapped Tsuzuki and ran to the bathroom crying.
"Shit Hisoka come back." Tsuzuki followed him and knocked on the bathroom door. "Come on, open up I can explain." No answer. The older man kneeled down in front of the door and pressed his forehead on the cool surface. "Hisoka I can understand your anger. I just wish you would have come to me earlier. You need to listen to me. Are you listening? The conversation you overheard wasn't about you. Watari and I were talking about Minasi-kun, I swear it. Watari was trying to make me feel better. I went to him for some advice about my unfortunate possession. I needed a scientific opinion about it. He helped me out and then thought I could use a little smile so he told me about Hijiri puppy dog eyeing me. Seriously, now open the doorHisoka. You know I'm telling you the truth, being such a sensitive empathy how could you not believe me." Tsuzuki just closed his eyes and prayed Hisoka would open the door.
Slowly, the door opened. Tsuzuki looked up to see the tear stained face of his beloved partner. "Oh Tsuzuki, I feel like such an ass. I am so sorry for how I treated you. I was so sure you were talking about me. You guys always call me a kid. I reacted that was because I have been so twisted up inside that I…." He couldn't finish. Hisoka collapsed to his knees and cried. Tsuzuki held his partner until he could stop.
"Come on; let's get off the cold floor. I'll pull your futon out so you can lie down." Tsuzuki didn't wait for an answer he pulled the bed out and then helped Hisoka up from the floor. "Come here let's relax and work this out." The dark haired man helped Hisoka get comfortable and pulled a blanket over him. He then sat next to the little blond propped up with a few pillows.
"Are you comfortable? Now let me tell you this; you are not a child. You may be young in years, but you are far more mature than need be. You are so strong; I'm sometimes startled at how strong you really are. I wish I could take your pain away over what happened with Tsubaki-hime; I really do. Please let me help you." Tsuzuki slipped down next to Hisoka and put his arms around him for comfort.
"Tsuzuki, I…I…just don't know what so say. The feelings I have are so confusing. I have no experience to base anything on. If I was in love with Tsubaki then what the hell am I feeling now? They are the most frightening emotions I have ever felt, yet sometimes ….." He shook his head trying to grasp at the right words. "They are so powerful that sometimes I can barely breathe. Then other times I feel nothing is impossible as long as I have the most important person in my life beside me." Hisoka turned on his back so he could look into Tsuzuki's eyes. He reached a tentative hand up to his friend's cheek.
Tsuzuki covered it with his larger one. "Hisoka, I understand how confusing it is for you. Not only do you have to deal with the pain of your past, but the pain of being a young Shinigami. You were never given a chance to learn how to be a regular teen and all the emotions that go with maturing. Hell, I haven't figured it out yet and I am an old man." He chuckled softly. "All I can say is that you have no need to be afraid to ask me anything. I don't want a misunderstanding to get in the way of our friendship." He sighed and gazed into sad green eyes. "Love is a tricky thing Hisoka. Sometimes it hits you so hard it's frightening and then other times it sneaks up on you and you wake up one day and realize that the right one was there all along." He stroked soft skin with his thumb waiting for his words to sink in.
"I think I understand, but I am still afraid this other person may not really feel the way I do and I don't want to burden them with my clumsy feelings." He leaned into the soft caresses.
"Hisoka, can I ask you something?" He said softly
"Of course." He said breathlessly.
"Is that someone me possibly? Can I be so bold as to hope it is?" Tsuzuki said as he leaned closer to Hisoka so that their foreheads touched.
"Oh Tsuzuki, I have been so afraid to tell you. I know you have had a few lovers and it seems everyone has a crush on you. I just knew I didn't have a chance. Plus I don't even know if what I feel is right." He whispered.
"Hisoka let me show you how much of a chance you have. Let your shields down and feel how much I care for you." Tsuzuki leaned down to kiss Hisoka gently sending his feelings out in wave after loving wave.
The young man was almost crushed under the feelings he felt from Tsuzuki. Oh gods his love is so powerful. I had no idea he felt this way. He must really keep a strong shield up for me not to sense this.
"You see Hisoka I have loved you for a long time. I was so afraid to tell you I thought you might be scared because of your past experiences; I didn't want to push you. I want nothing more than to show you how much I care, but I'm not real good at showing my true feelings."
"Baka"
"Yes I guess so, but when it comes to how I feel about you I am very serious. It's true I have had a few lovers, but I couldn't commit fully to them. I would do or say something stupid and it would end. I even thought at one time Watari and I could make it work. In the end we decided being best friends was much more fun."
"You mean you and Watari….did it?" Hisoka blushed.
"Wouldn't you like to know, but I never kiss and tell." Tsuzuki teased. Suddenly amethyst eyes burned with desire. The older man had no reason to hide his true feelings and could finally let Hisoka exactly how he felt. "I would like to show you how much you mean to me if you will let me. We can go as slow as you need." He said huskily.
"Tsuzuki I would like that I think." He blushed fiercely.
"You know you are so cute when you blush." He smiled.
"Oh shut up."
"Hisoka..." Was all he could mange. Tsuzuki leaned down to the younger man and kissed him slowly. He could feel Hisoka tremble. Oh gods, I hope I can control myself. I want to rip his clothes off and lick him all over. I need to taste and touch him. Reigning in his thoughts, he relaxed and let Hisoka decide just how fast to go.
Then a tentative tongue slipped into Tsuzuki's mouth. He tasted like the sweet tea they were drinking. Slowly Tsuzuki touched Hisoka's skin under his shirt. He could feel the raised scars of Muraki's cures, but that didn't stop him. There was so much more to Hisoka than his past. Gently Tsuzuki teased a nipple, making it stiffen. Hisoka gasped with surprise. Taking a brave step, the blond allowed his partner to remove his shirt. A warm tongue replaced cool fingers that were teasing his nipple. It moved lazily down to his sensitive stomach.
Hisoka reached to pull Tsuzuki's shirt off. He felt like his body was on fire and wanted more of his partner's skin touching his. Quickly the dress shirt was removed and thrown to the floor.
"Your skin is so soft Hisoka. I could just die like this, wrapped in your arms."
"Oh Tsuzuki don't say that. Please I want to feel more of you." Hisoka begged. He sat up and unbuckled Tsuzuki's belt and unzipped his pants. The tall man stood up and removed the bothersome clothing and then leaned down to free Hisoka as well. In one smooth movement Tsuzuki was under the blankets with Hisoka.
"I've never let anyone see my skin Tsuzuki. I am so ashamed and disgusted by the markings."
"Don't worry, I don't care. It's you that is most important to me not your skin." Tsuzuki was running his fingers along Hisoka's thigh. A small groan escaped the shorter man's lips. "You like that? Let me show you something wonderful." Tsuzuki began kissing a trail to Hisoka's waist band. "These boxers have got to go." He flung them onto the pile of discarded items. "Now stop me anytime you need to. I don't want to hurt you." Inching slowly down, Tsuzuki teased and kissed Hisoka's inner thigh. He gently swirled his tongue around the tip of Hisoka's arousal. Then he took in as much as he could making the man tremble. Cautiously Tsuzuki moved up and down increasing Hisoka's pleasure. He felt muscles tense with intense satisfaction.
"Asato" Hisoka gasped. "Ah...I'm…please." Hisoka never imagined the amount of pleasure his cursed and scarred body could feel. Tsuzuki's mouth was making him quickly approach his limit. Small, slender fingers carded through dark hair. All too soon he arched his back and cried out in release.
Strong arms gathered the spent man and held him until his trembling stopped. "Hisoka are you alright?"
"Yes I'm fine." He murmured into the muscular chest. "It felt so good."
"I'm glad. Not scared are you?"
"No" blushing again, Hisoka smiled. "I want to…can I… do the same for you."
"Oh" Tsuzuki said surprised.
Hisoka nuzzled into Tsuzuki's neck and began giving him little kisses. He licked and softly nipped Tsuzuki's nipple. He looked up as if he needed reassurance. Hisoka caressed the smooth muscles of Tsuzuki's stomach. He moved, straddling one thigh and achingly slow he grasped Tsuzuki's arousal in his hand.
"Mmm, that's nice Hisoka." Tsuzuki moaned encouraging.
Feeling a bit braver, Hisoka placed the tip in his mouth making Tsuzuki tense. He licked the length up and down. He thought this feels so right, this is how it should be.
Hisoka was making Tsuzuki moan.He tried not to thrust up and choke Hisoka, but it was hard not to.
The young man knew Tsuzuki was trying to be patient. The emotions he could feel wash over him, now that Tsuzuki's defenses were down, were incredible; terrifying but beautiful. Hisoka sat up and looked at Tsuzuki who still had his eyes shut. The man had not yet reached release, but the blond was unsure how to proceed.
"Come up here." Tsuzuki pulled Hisoka up to lie face to face. The smaller man could hear his partner's heart beating wildly and wondered if his could be heard also.
"Hisoka, where did you learn to do it that way?"
"Why, is it wrong?" He asked.
"Far from it, it was very nice. Actually better than nice. I thought I was going to melt into the futon you made me so hot. I just assumed you never did that before because of your age."
"I haven't, I just did what felt natural." Hisoka blushed.
"Well you have go instincts or maybe you were using your empathy to peek into my hidden desires." Tsuzuki teased.
"You fool, quit talking and let me kiss you." Hisoka had looked into Tsuzuki's emotions and what he saw scared him. The things Tsuzuki wanted to do to him were terrifying. But he wanted to believe his partner wouldn't hurt him. He wanted so much to please the older man. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad with Tsuzuki, not like Him. I don't know the images are almost the same as what happened with Muraki. Could Tsuzuki really want that?
"Hisoka? Are you ok, you seem far away? Did I do something you didn't like?"
"No it's not you. Well it is you, but not your fault." He answered timidly.
"What is it?"
"I lied; I did peek into your mind and what I you want to do to me scares me. It's almost like the night Muraki…." He could say no more.
Tsuzuki held him tight and kissed his neck softly. "Oh Hisoka, I would never hurt you. What that vile man did was not done out of love. He was violent and disrespectful. Hisoka it's not like that at all if you take your time and make the experience tender and loving." He smoothed the silky hair and tried to comfort his friend.
Being held so tenderly made Hisoka feel safe. He was all too aware of Tsuzuki's neglected arousal. He felt it pressing into his leg. "Tsuzuki."
"Yes."
"It's ok now. I trust you not to hurt me." He said softly.
"Are you sure? I can't lie; you did see the truth of what I want. I would love to be inside you. I want to be close to you. It's more just sex I hope you know. It's the only way I know to be that close to someone."
"I understand, and it's alright. I just don't know what to do next." He said shyly.
"Then let me guide you. We will do nothing you don't feel comfortable with, ok. I must warn you there might be some pain, but it will pass." He tipped Hisoka's head up and looked into emerald green eyes. "Alright?" He asked again.
"Yes" he whispered.
Tsuzuki released his hold on his thin partner. "Do you have any massage type oil?"
"Ah, I think so. Why?"
"You'll see. Where is it I'll get it?"
"In the bathroom on the little shelf, it's marked elbow rub."
"Elbow rub?" Tsuzuki lifted an eyebrow.
"Watari gave it to me. Keeps me from having scratchy elbows."
"Oh, well ok." Tsuzuki quickly got up and found what he was looking for. He came back and lay down on his back. He poured a liberal amount in his palms to warm. Then he took Hisoka's hand and gave him some.
Slightly confused and embarrassed, Hisoka asked. "What, you want to lotion your elbows? Now?"
"No silly. Come here I'll show you." Tsuzuki guided Hisoka so he was straddling his larger body. The young man sat on Tsuzuki's stomach feeling awkward. Tsuzuki reached around his partner's slim hips and sat him on his thighs. "Now, you just take your slippery hands and run them up and down like your lovely little tongue did."
"Like this?" Hisoka smiled as he squeezed gently and made Tsuzuki squirm.
"Yes you devil. Now I am going to rub this on you, ok? Just relax, it will be fine." Tsuzuki reached around to find Hisoka's tight center. Slowly he made small circles to make sure it would be nice and slippery. Looking into his partner's eyes he slid one finger in and felt Hisoka tense. "It's ok, shh…." Soon Hisoka relaxed enough for two long fingers, and then three to enter.
"Tsuzuki" he gasped. "I…Mmm..." Hisoka leaned down to lay on Tsuzuki's chest. He tipped his hips up so the questing fingers could find what they were looking for.
"Oh Hisoka you are so beautiful." Tsuzuki pushed Hisoka up and back so he could help the blond guide his erection into the smaller body. "Now go slow."
All Hisoka could do was nod. He was trembling with excitement and just a bit of fear. He was glad for Tsuzuki's strong, guiding hands. Slowly he was able to take in Tsuzuki's tip.
The Shinigami was watching Hisoka's face for any sign of fear. When a burst of pleasure ran through him he grasped the slim hips tighter. "Hold on, relax your muscles." He said through clenched teeth. Hisoka nodded and then slipped in a bit more.
Finding that what pain there was disappeared quickly if he loosed up, Hisoka pushed down and took the whole length of Tsuzuki inside himself. "Ahh, Tsuzuki…." He moaned.
Tsuzuki cried out and held Hisoka's hips firmly. "Just a minuet….stay like…that."
Hisoka was still, but soon he felt the need to move. Delicately at first, he moved up and down his partner's length. Finding it actually felt quite good he continued a little faster. He watched as amethyst eyes closed in pleasure. It made him so happy to see Tsuzuki relax and let himself go. He increased his speed and those deep liquid eyes opened and he felt them pierce his heart.
Tsuzuki was trying to make it last longer, but Hisoka was just so warm and tight it was becoming difficult. Feeling his release was near; he began stroking Hisoka to his second orgasm. The blond voiced his pleasure and the sound was too much for Tsuzuki. With a few powerful thrusts he felt the ecstasy build. He pushed his hips up and buried himself deep inside. Feeling Hisoka's seed spill into his hand pushed him to the edge and over in blissful release.
The taller man waited for his partner to open his eyes before he pulled him to his chest. Panting, Hisoka collapsed gratefully onto his lover. With a free hand Tsuzuki grabbed his boxers and wiped his hand off and then Hisoka as best he could. He laid his tall frame next to the smaller one and held his beloved partner quietly. They rested, listening to their hearts slowing to a normal rhythm.
"Tsuzuki, you asleep?" Hisoka whispered.
"No just resting. Are you ok? Not hurt are you?" He asked.
"No I'm fine. Tsuzuki? Is this how it should be? I mean it makes you feel helpless and wonderful at the same time."
"Mmm, yes love does that and worse sometimes, love makes people do silly things." He chuckled.
"So this is love then?"
"Yes I do believe it is."
"Oh"
"Oh? Is that all you can say?" Tsuzuki asked ruffling Hisoka's hair.
"No, I love you Tsuzuki." He couldn't help but blush.
"I love you also Hisoka." Tsuzuki held him even tighter and together they slept the night away, kept warm by their new found love.