Hello everyone, here's the next chapter for you all. I won't lie to you guys, this one was hard for me to get through. I'm not even really sure why, but, the first part of this story especially, it was really difficult for me to sit down and figure this one out. It definitely didn't come as easy to me as the others have, I just hope it turned out okay.
I did mention briefly on my most recent update for Whatever Comes Next (which I posted yesterday) that this chapter would be a little late, but I know not all you read that, so I wanted to explain here, as well. This last week has kind of been a lot, and I had an unexpected funeral I had to attend today. It was very sudden, so that kind of threw everything off. And there's been a few other things going on that have had me a little distracted, which I know didn't help with me getting through this chapter. But I do want to apologize for the slight delay, things have just been a little crazy lately. I'm hoping once we get through the holidays, I'll be better about getting these updates out.
Oh, and just to let you all know, I know I mentioned I was having tests done last week, well I'm having an appointment for those on Thursday and it's right around the time I start to get my chapters posted, so the Thursday updates for my stories will probably be a little late this week, as well. Again, I'm sorry for that, but I promise to get them up as quickly as I can.
But, with all that said, I do hope you guys enjoy this one, I'm very eager to hear your thoughts on this chapter. Thank you for reading!
Chapter Seventy One
"How's Sofia been doing?"
The Chaplain's voice filled the office as the small family sat on the couch, Matt's eyes focused on the baby girl in his arms, Sofia latching onto his finger with her tight grip. The little girl was babbling away, her unintelligible noises having been the only sound in the room in the five minutes since they'd gotten here, until the Chaplain had finally spoke up.
"She's been doing well." Gabby spoke softly, her hand resting on Matt's thigh as she sat close to her husband, her shoulder resting against his. "I think she's been able to tell that things have been hard on us lately, though… I know sometimes babies can sense what their parents are feeling, and she's been having some trouble sleeping, which is a little unusual for her lately. So I think she knows that things are a little tough right now, but overall she's been alright. She's still our happy little girl."
"Good, that good. She's grown so much since I last saw her." The Chaplain spoke, his soft gaze moving towards the smallest Casey, Sofia's sole attention focused on her dad as he carefully waved her arm around. "How old is she now?"
"Almost four months."
"Wow… I can't believe it. It doesn't seem like all that long ago when you first told me you were pregnant." He spoke with a gentle grin, Gabby matching his look.
"I know, it's a little crazy, if I'm being honest." She replied with a chuckle, reaching her right hand across her body and resting it on Sofia's chest, the little girl's wide eyes moving towards her mother. "But I can't imagine life without her now. It's been challenging, but so rewarding. We've loved it." She finished, glancing up to Matt who gave an agreeing nod.
"It's been amazing." He added quietly, feeling Sofia tighten her grip on his finger.
"Well, I know how much you two have always wanted this, I'm so glad everything's worked out the way it has… Sofia is one lucky little girl." The Chaplain responded sincerely, Gabby smiling softly as she continued to rub over Sofia's chest, the little girl's bright blue eyes darting between her parents, a wide, happy smile covering her face. "Now, Gabby have you gone back to work yet?"
"No, I haven't." She answered, her gaze flickering to Matt, seeing her husband focused on their baby. "I, um- I was supposed to start last week, but then with everything that happened…" She trailed off, pursing her lips together. After what happened on that call, Chief had made Casey take some time off, the Captain having missed the last two shifts, per Boden's orders. Which meant Gabby had missed those shifts, as well. She was supposed to have started the shift after that awful call, and even though Matt had tried to get her to still go, she didn't feel comfortable going to work for that long when her husband was struggling. So she'd spoken to Boden and asked if she could push back her start date, the Chief not even hesitating when he told her to take all the time she needed. And when she'd heard that, she decided she wouldn't be returning to 51 until Matt was ready. "I decided it was best to wait until Matt goes back." She added, the subject of why they were here being broached for the first time as the Chaplain gave her an understanding nod.
"Yeah, I did hear you were going back to 51." He commented, Gabby's head tilting to the side slightly. "Boden filled me in, told me a little bit about the situation… I am sorry you've had so many problems with the SAS, but maybe it's for the best, you being back at 51." He spoke, Gabby nodding softly.
"Maybe, yeah… I mean, 51 is home. It's where Matt is, and I've missed working with him. Working together is how we met, it was such a big part of our relationship… it'll be nice to get back to that." She started, seeing Matt grin softly out of the corner of her eye. "And it's what's best for Sofia… The SAS was great in the sense that I wasn't having to work 24 hours at a time, but the hours were so sporadic… I only knew my schedule a week in advance, and with care for Sofia, that just wasn't going to work. There was no consistency in the days I'd work, and I didn't want to do that to her." Gabby spoke, tapping her fingers against Sofia's chest. "I just decided going back to 51 was the right choice for all of us, it's where I think I need to be. It'll be nice to be back for good."
"Well, personally, I think that's great… I'm just so proud of how far you've come, Gabby." He spoke softly, Gabby's eyes furrowing. "I know there was a time when even seeing everyone at 51 scared you, and now you're deciding to go back and work there permanently… With everything that's happened to you since last year, you've come so far and gotten through some terrible things. It just makes me proud, knowing how much progress you've made."
"Thank you." She murmured, feeling Matt lean into her side slightly, giving her silent support as she glanced to him, finding a gentle smile waiting for her.
"And you'll still be working on 61, correct?" The Chaplain asked, Gabby breaking her eye contact with Matt as she looked back to the older man, giving him a nod.
"I am, I'll be working on 61 with Brett and Foster." She confirmed, earning a nod from the man across from her.
"But you don't know when you'll be back yet?" He pressed, his eyes flashing to Matt.
"No, it'll just depend." She answered, the Chaplain nodding before he moved his attention solely to Casey, the firefighter feeling two sets of eyes on him.
"Well, I guess that leads us to what brought you all here…" He spoke softly, Matt lifting his eyes across the room. "I do know a little bit about what happened, when Gabby called and filled me in- I almost couldn't believe it. I'm so sorry you went through that, Casey." He continued, Matt nodding slowly as he felt Gabby squeeze his leg comfortingly.
When Gabby had mentioned to him a few days ago that she thought it might be a good idea for them to go and visit the Chaplain, he wasn't sure how he felt about it. He figured it couldn't hurt, that the Chaplain had always been able to help them in the past, but he wasn't sure if this was something he wanted to do, to keep reliving one of the worst moments of his life.
It had been over a week since that day, and while he felt like he was getting better, there had definitely been ups and downs. What he went through, what he saw, that wasn't an easy thing to get past, and there had been some lingering emotional trauma. He was trying to get past it, he was, but it wasn't easy.
And he knew all of this wasn't easy on Gabby, either.
Which is what made him agree to come.
It wasn't that he didn't think the Chaplain could help him, he was sure he could, but he wanted to try and get past things on his own first before seeking help. But seeing how Gabby was struggling, that was what ultimately made him decide to come.
For as hard as things had been on him, he knew they hadn't been much easier on his wife, either, even though she had done everything she could to hide it. He was sure she didn't want to burden him, that she didn't want to have him worrying about her while he was struggling himself, but he could tell she was having a hard time coming to terms with how close she came to losing him. Which is why he was sitting here right now.
"Yeah, it-... It was rough." Matt eventually replied, swallowing the thick lump in his throat before looking back down to Sofia, seeing his happy baby slowly giving into her exhaustion, although she was trying to fight it. "Probably one of the worst things I've seen on the job… if not the worst." He admitted, feeling Gabby settle herself closer to him.
"Do you wanna talk about that?"
"I don't know, I mean, I'm not sure how much you know about what happened…" He breathed out, the Chaplain's eyes bouncing back and forth between Matt and Gabby.
"Gabby told me the basics, and that you've both been having a hard time coming to terms with what happened to you… But just whatever you feel comfortable sharing, Matt. Whatever you want to talk about, or if you don't want to talk at all… Or you can just sit here and talk to Gabby. It's whatever you want to do, I'm just here to help if I can." He reminded the firefighter, Matt nodding slowly, pursing his lips together as he tried to gather his thoughts.
The Chaplain gave him a few moments, Matt remaining silent as he watched his sleepy baby, Sofia's blue eyes opening and closing as she began to drift into unconsciousness, her grip on his finger loosening. But when minutes had passed, and Casey hadn't said a word, the older man spoke up again.
"Casey if you don't want to talk that's fine, but is it okay if Gabby does?" He asked, Matt lifting his head quickly, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Of course it is." Casey replied without hesitation, a soft frown forming over his face, almost like he was offended by the question. "We're here as much for her as we are for me."
"Alright, I just wanted to be sure, I know this is a hard thing, I didn't want to make it harder." He explained himself, Matt nodding slowly before looking towards his wife, finding her soft gaze already on him.
"No, it's fine. Talk about whatever you need to, baby." He told her, giving her a reassuring smile, Gabby nodding before looking back towards the Chaplain.
"So, how have you been holding up with all this, Gabby? I know you had some concerns when we talked earlier."
"Yeah, I um- All of this, everything that happened, it's been hard." She started, her words shaky as they left her lips. "It's been hard to think about what happened to Matt, and what he had to witness… to think about how I almost lost him… It's just been hard to see what this has done to him." Her voice was soft, Gabby taking slow, deep breaths as she tried to gather her thoughts, earning an understanding nod from the man across from her.
"What about it has been hard?" He asked, Gabby's eyebrows furrowing, not understanding his question, the Chaplain speaking up again before she could question him. "I just mean for you, what has all this meant for you?" He elaborated, earning a soft sigh from Dawson, Gabby gnawing on her bottom lip as she fiddled with her fingers in her lap.
"Well, part of it is what I already said… I hate seeing him like this." Her voice was shaky, Gabby blinking back the few tears forming in her eyes. "I know he's trying, and I know this was such a terrible thing he went through, but seeing him so broken is just- it's not easy." She continued, feeling Matt's eyes on her as she blinked furiously. "I just want him to be okay, and knowing he's not, and that there's not really anything I can do to help him… Matt and I have been through everything together, we've seen each other go through every different emotion there is. We've seen each other at our worst, and at our best… but I don't think I've ever seen him this lost before, and I'm worried. I'm so worried about him but I don't know what to do or how to help him through this and it's frustrating." She breathed out, clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "And seeing how all this has been affecting how he is with Sofia…"
"What do you mean?" Matt interjected as she glanced towards him, her teary eyes shining back at him as they sat close together, Gabby trying to figure out how to exactly voice what she meant.
"...I think you're projecting what happened to Micah onto Sofia." She replied softly, Matt wincing slightly as he quickly looked away from her, refocusing his gaze on his sleeping daughter.
"Why do you say that, Gabby?" The Chaplain prompted, wanting to make sure their conversation continued in the right direction.
Gabby bit down on the inside of her cheek, breathing deeply as she clenched her hands together. "Ever since this happened, it's like he's been afraid to let Sofia out of his sight… Like he's afraid something bad will happen if he leaves her. And it's worrying me." She admitted hesitantly, her eyes moving down to her lap, the Chaplain taking a deep breath as he glanced to Matt.
"Do you agree with that, Matt?" He asked carefully, Casey shrugging his shoulders slightly.
"I don't know, I mean-... I know what she's talking about. I know I've been overprotective, but it's not just with Sofia, it's with the both of them." He replied, clearing the emotion from his throat before he looked to Gabby, locking eyes with her. "I know I've been a little… on edge, when it comes to you guys, but you're my family. You two are the most important people in my life. Always. There's not anything I wouldn't do to keep you two safe."
"I know that, baby, but it doesn't feel like that's what this is." She responded, running her tongue over her lips. "It's not just you being protective over us, it's you being afraid to even leave the room Sofia's in… it's you getting nervous when she goes quiet for too long, it's how you haven't even wanted to leave the house with her. You immediately panic whenever she starts crying, like something is seriously wrong with her when she's only hungry, or tired and I just- I know you said when you saw Micah standing there, you couldn't help but picture Sofia being in that position, but it feels like you haven't been able to let that go." She spoke, shaking her head slightly as she wiped under her eyes, a deep frown etched across his face as he saw the distraught state his wife was in.
"Gabby…"
"I just want you to be okay." She continued, swallowing thickly. "And I know you need time to get past this, I'm not saying you should just be okay and this not affect you, because what you went through was awful. It was terrifying, and you have every right to feel whatever you need to feel while you work your way through this… but I'm scared, baby."
"Scared of what?" He asked, blinking back the tears sitting in his eyes, Matt carefully moving his hand off of Sofia's stomach and reaching out for Gabby, wanting to do whatever he could to comfort her.
"I'm scared of what this has done to you, and I'm scared that this man is still out there, if I'm being honest…" She admitted, Matt squeezing her hand tightly. "I'm just scared of this entire thing, and I want to be able to help you through this, but I feel like I don't know how…"
"Gabby, you have been helping me." He told her firmly, Gabby meeting his gaze. "Trust me, the only reason I've gotten through this at all is because of you and Sof…" He continued, releasing a deep breath as his eyes moved down to the space in between them before landing back on Sofia, Matt hesitating before speaking up again. "I really wish this was easier on the both of us, I wish I could get past this, but I… I just can't keep thinking about Micah." He said, shaking his head. "You're right, I think that's what's making this so hard, is him." He admitted quietly, Gabby biting down on her bottom lip, trying to keep her tears at bay. "I've seen people die, I've seen kids die, hell, I've almost died before, but this… this was something completely different. This was someone being murdered in cold blood, and Micah having to see his mother die right in front of him… This guy made Micah think he'd be okay, that he was going to let him go… then he just shot him in the back because he could." Matt nearly whispered, refusing to look away from his baby. "And I can't keep thinking about it, or seeing it in my head and I just- I don't know how to forget it."
"You won't be able to forget it, Casey." The Chaplain spoke. "It's not something you'll ever be able to forget, but it will get easier to manage how you deal with remembering it. What you witnessed, it was traumatic. And there's nothing wrong with being affected by it, especially when it's barely even been a week since it happened…" He continued, Matt drawing in a deep breath as he slowly nodded, the Chaplain swallowing thickly before he spoke up again, his voice softer than before. "Gabby mentioned something about you two having gone to visit Micah?" He asked, waiting until he got a nod of confirmation from Matt before continuing. "And he's gonna be okay?"
"Yeah… He will be." Matt murmured, stroking his thumb over Sofia's soft cheek, the young girl curled into his chest. "He, um- The bullet missed his spinal cord, they were able to get it removed without much trouble. Gabby and I have been keeping in contact with his dad, Micah's been up and walking around a little bit… he's doing good. He seemed to be doing okay when we went and visited him, and his dad said that helped him. But, uh, he should be fine, all things considered."
"And how was it for you?" The Chaplain asked, Matt tearing his eyes away from Sofia, looking towards the Chaplain. "How'd you feel after visiting Micah?"
"...Better." He replied almost instantly.
"Why?" The Chaplain questioned simply, Matt pursing his lips together as he thought over his answer.
"Because I knew Micah would be okay, and I knew that man hadn't just completely destroyed an entire family."
"Okay, so if you know that Micah's alright, why do you think you've been so worried about something happening to Sofia?" He pressed, Casey sighing softly, not having an answer for him. "...Do you wanna know what I think?" He questioned once it was clear the firefighter wasn't going to respond, Matt nodding slowly. "I think with what you witnessed happen to Micah, I think you blame yourself for it. You think that maybe you could've done something more to protect him, even though nothing that happened that day was your fault… But to me, it seems like you felt like you couldn't protect Micah, so now you're doing everything you can to protect Sofia, even though there's nothing to protect her from… At least not anything like what happened to that boy." He spoke, Matt releasing his grip on Gabby's hand to wipe away some of the tears that had fallen down his face. "And then there's a whole nothing part to this altogether… something that I think is causing you to be extra protective with your family… And that's how you almost died, Matt."
Both Matt and Gabby's bodies tensed, it never getting any easier to hear those words. "I think you're so worried about making sure Sofia's okay, and making sure Gabby's okay, because you almost lost the ability to do that." He spoke bluntly, Gabby blinking back the tears in her eyes. "You almost lost your family… They almost lost you, so I think you're overcompensating… I think you're focusing everything onto Sofia and making sure she's okay, because you came close to never seeing her again. To never seeing Gabby again." He continued, Matt clenching his eyes shut, swallowing the thick lump that was forming in his throat. "I think that's a big part of why this is so hard, and I think you know that, too." He finished, Matt keeping his eyes closed as heavy emotion swept through him, the firefighter refusing to look up as they sat in a thick silence, the Chaplain breathing deeply before finally breaking the quiet. "...I know what you witnessed with that boy and his mother was awful, but there's another part to all of this entirely. You got very close to dying that day, Matt. And that's not an easy thing to get past. For either of you. It's not something that's just going to go away, but you will get past this." The Chaplain spoke softly, looking between the couple.
"But I don't even know how to get past it." Matt bit out in frustration, shaking his head as he quickly tried to calm himself down, not wanting to wake the sleeping baby in his arms. "I-... I almost lost everything. In a split second, I could've been gone. I could've left Gabby and Sofia behind, for what? Some addict with a gun?" He snapped, tears flowing down Gabby's cheeks as she listened to him, Matt unable to hide the emotion in his shaky voice. "How am I supposed to move on from that? When it doesn't even make sense that I'm sitting here right now." His words were sharp, the Chaplain letting him vent, knowing the firefighter needed to get these words out. "Obviously, I'm grateful to still be here. I'm so fucking thankful that I'm here, and that I didn't leave Gabby behind, that I'll be here to watch Sofia grow up, but it's hard because it feels like I shouldn't be. It doesn't make sense to me why I'm here, and some days it just feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, like I'm just waiting for something bad to happen." He choked out, shaking his head roughly. "I should be dead, there is no logical explanation for why I'm not dead right now."
"But you're not dead, Matt." The Chaplain replied firmly, Casey taking a deep breath. "Maybe it's not logical, but you're still here for a reason, Matt. And you need to be able to accept that. You have to be able to accept that you'll probably never have an answer as to why you didn't die that day… All you can do is focus on the fact that you are still here. You're still with Gabby, you're still here for Sofia… Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. It can't matter, or you'll never get past this. You're okay, Gabby's okay, Sofia's okay… Your family is safe, you have to hold onto that."
Matt nodded slowly, the firefighter clenching his jaw tightly as his continued watching Sofia, the little girl completely unaware to the distressed state her father was in as she slept peacefully, feeling safe and secure in his arms. "I know you're right…" He murmured, stroking his thumb along her cheek. "I know that Gabby and Sofia… I know they're okay. And I know that I'm safe, it's just hard to think about how close I came to not being here... How close I came to dying." The words tasted bitter as they left his mouth, Matt refusing to look away from his girl, the weight of Sofia's body in his arms calming him. "But I know I need to get past what might've happened, I know I do… I'm trying to." He spoke, blinking back the tears in his eyes before he looked up, his gaze moving to his wife when he heard her release a shaky breath, the frown on his face deepening when he saw his wife barely holding it together. "Baby..." He spoke sadly, Gabby shaking her head as she covered her face with her hands.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She murmured, trying to wipe away her tears, but the action proved useless as new ones kept replacing the ones she was frantically wiping away, Matt sliding his hand up around her back, rubbing across her shoulders.
"It's okay." He whispered.
"You don't need to apologize, Gabby." The Chaplain spoke, Dawson nodding slightly as she tried to reign her emotions in. "What's going on?"
"It's just… I know he's still here, and I know he's going to be okay, but I came so close to losing him, to Sofia losing her father, and every time I think about that I-... it just hasn't gotten any easier." She choked out, Matt gently gripping the back of her neck, pulling her into his side. "I know you were saying how we need to get past this, I'm sorry, I'm trying to, I guess I just haven't let myself really think about it and it all just-" She cut herself off, shaking her head against Matt's shoulder. "I know this isn't about me, I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Matt spoke against the top of her head, pressing kisses to her hair. "Never apologize for that, alright? It's okay." He repeated, blinking back the tears sitting in his own eyes, rubbing his hand up and down her shoulder as he cradled her body into his side, doing what he could to keep his arm holding Sofia steady.
Although this last week had been rough on him, he knew Gabby had been too focused on him to really take care of herself. Instead of letting herself deal with what happened to him, and working through how she felt about it, she'd kept her attention on taking care of him, and their daughter, and she'd tried to push down everything she was feeling, even though Matt could see right through it.
"Matt's right, Gabby." The Chaplain spoke up after a few moments, Matt never loosening his grip on her. "It's okay to be upset by this, it's okay for this to take time. You all are gonna have to get past this, yes, but that won't happen overnight. It's going to take time for you both to move on from what happened, there is nothing wrong with that." He told him, his voice strong and firm. "This affects the both of you, and you two are gonna need each other to get past this, it's not going to be something that just goes away. But, eventually, it'll get better. You two will be okay. I truly believe that." He told them, Gabby sniffling as she leaned further into her husband's embrace. "It may take some time, but you'll get past this."
Matt gave the man a nod, Casey not really focused on himself right now as he did his best to comfort Gabby, knowing she'd been holding onto her own feelings for the better part of a week.
"You know what I think might help the both of you?" The Chaplain continued after a few minutes, Gabby reluctantly lifting her head from Matt's shoulder, the couple glancing towards him, waiting for him to elaborate. "Getting back to your life." He told them simply, Matt raising his eyebrows. "You getting back to work, Gabby getting back to work… not living your life from your apartment. I think you both need that right now. Because, from what I can tell, it doesn't seem like either of you are really living right now, and there's no way you're ever going to get past this if you don't start." He spoke firmly, Matt sparing a glance to Gabby as he continued rubbing gently over her shoulder. "I think if you all get back to your lives, it'll only help you. I think you both taking some time off was the right thing to do, I know you both needed that, as well as for Sofia, but I think it's time for you two to get back, if you feel like you can." He suggested, Gabby gnawing on her bottom lip as she looked up towards Matt, her red eyes locking with his, Casey giving her a small smile before leaning forward, pressing a soft kiss on her forehead.
"I think that might be a good idea." He murmured against her skin, kissing her head again before pulling back. "We'll talk about it, but I think that might help." He spoke, Gabby nodding slowly before digging herself back into his embrace, the rhythmic thumping of his heart beat keeping her calm, reminding her that he was still here, the Chaplain remaining silent as he gave them some time to let all of this sink in.
Things had been hard. Since Matt's close call last week, they'd been reeling. But, like the Chaplain said, with time they'd be okay, and Gabby wholeheartedly believed that.
She had to, because she didn't have any other choice.
Gabby stared at herself in the mirror as she tucked in her long-sleeve CFD shirt, making sure everything was in place before she began zipping up her navy blue pants, her mind a thousand miles away as she got ready for work.
Today was hers and Matt's first day back at work, and she couldn't say she was looking forward to it. It had only been two days since their visit to the Chaplain, and Matt had jumped all over his suggestion that they get back to work, while Gabby was a bit more hesitant. She did think it was a good idea, she thought that her and Matt getting back into their routine would only help them both begin to move past what happened, but she thought things were moving a little too fast. She wasn't sure if Matt was ready to get back to work, and she couldn't help but think he was using the Chaplain's suggestion of returning to work as a distraction. But when she saw how sure he seemed about the idea when they spoke about it after their session, she decided not to question it too much. Especially considering how much lighter he seemed after their talk with the Chaplain.
There had been a difference in Matt since their visit with the Chaplain, her husband showing flashes of the man he was before that terrible call. Although the moments were brief, they were definitely there, Matt slowly beginning to pull himself out of the hole that day had put him in. It was little things that Gabby noticed that was giving her some hope that Matt was returning to his old self, but the main difference she saw was how he'd been with their daughter over the last couple of days. Matt had been less on edge when it came to Sofia, her husband slowly losing that nervousness he felt whenever he wasn't holding their baby girl.
He still got antsy when she was too far away, and he was still constantly needing to check up on her, but he seemed to be moving in the right direction, and if anything, Gabby knew him returning to work would improve the anxiety he felt when being away from Sofia.
Matt getting back to work would only help him, despite her reservations she knew that, and she hoped it would help settle some of her nerves, as well.
"Man, it's really coming down out there." Matt spoke, Gabby blinking quickly as his voice snapped her from her thoughts, her eyes moving towards the door to see her husband walking in with Sofia in his grasp, the happy and very awake baby resting in the crook of his elbow while her back rested against his bicep, Matt keeping a firm grip on her as he walked towards Gabby. "I'm pretty sure there's at least a foot of snow outside, if not more."
"Well, it is winter." She murmured, smiling softly when she saw Sofia's wide eyes and bright grin, the little girl sticking to her usual schedule of being wide awake too early in the morning. "Hi baby." She spoke softly, rubbing her hand across her little girl's head, her fingers moving gently through the baby's curls.
"Becca should be here in a few minutes, she called while you were in the shower… Although with this weather, it might take her a little longer." He mused, Gabby giving him a nod as she met his eyes, Matt frowning softly when he saw the look of hesitation in her eyes. "...You okay?"
"I'm alright… just a little anxious, I guess." She answered, Matt running his tongue along his bottom lip.
"Because of me?" He questioned, although he already knew the answer, Gabby confirming it when she nodded slowly.
"I just want you to be okay… I know you've been feeling a little better these last few days, but going back to work… I think it's gonna be harder than we realize."
"I know, I was thinking about that earlier." He breathed out, placing his hand over Sofia's stomach. "But the Chaplain was right, we've gotta get back to our lives or this thing is going to control us forever."
"I know… but we also don't need to rush it if we're not ready." She replied, Matt releasing a soft sigh.
"I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm nervous about this… I still feel-" He cut himself off, shaking his head. "I'm still having a hard time." He spoke softly, Gabby nodding understandingly as she lifted her hand up, running her fingers through his hair. "But I feel like I've gotta do this. Because I don't know what else to do to make this better…"
"Okay." Gabby replied quickly, stroking her thumb across his temple. "I just wanted to be sure." She added, Matt giving her a nod. "But one of the good things about us working together is that I'm there, all the time… even when you might not want me to be." She teased lightly, trying to ease some of the heaviness from the room, Matt chuckling softly. "But that means that if you need me, or it becomes too much, I want you to tell me."
"I will." He assured her, Gabby leaning up to press a gentle kiss to his lips, continuing to move her fingers through his hair. "But that goes both ways, you know." He spoke softly, the pair separating as Gabby raised her eyebrows. "...I know you've been holding back sometimes, because I've been having a hard time, but I don't want you to do that." He explained, Gabby biting down on her bottom lip. "If you need anything, I don't care what's going on with me… I never want you to feel like you can't come to me."
"I know I can… I just didn't want to overwhelm you. What happened, that happened to you, you were going through enough already, I didn't want to add to that. But I promise, if I need you, I'll let you know." She assured him, Matt nodding slowly.
"It did happen to me, but it affects us both. And I know all this was really hard on you… Like Chaplain said, we're gonna need each other to get through this." He spoke, Sofia's loud voice filling their ears before either could get another word in, the young girl babbling loudly, hoping to regain the attention of her parents, her actions earning laughs from the both of them. "And we're gonna need Sofia, too. Yes baby, we'll always need you." He murmured, rubbing over her stomach as she laughed, waving her arms around excitedly. "But really," Matt continued after a few seconds, clearing his throat as he gained his wife's attention. "I'm always here for you, no matter what."
"I know you are." She responded, giving him another quick kiss before turning her attention to Sofia. "You're always here for Momma too, aren't you, baby girl?" She cooed, Sofia's eyes widening when her mom started talking to her, the baby crying out sounds of joy, waving her arms around towards her mother.
"Yeah yeah yeah, I know, you love your Momma." Matt spoke, handing the baby over, Gabby cradling her baby girl against her chest, Sofia immediately curling into her, gripping onto her shirt tightly.
Matt kept his eyes on his two girls for a few moments, smiling softly as he looked back and forth between his wife and his daughter, the two mirror images of each other as Sofia nuzzled against Gabby's chest, Matt knowing his daughter was never more content than when she was being held by her mom.
"How are you feeling about this?" Matt asked suddenly, Gabby lifting her head up off of Sofia's, eyeing him curiously.
"About what?"
"About leaving Sofia…" He murmured, Gabby taking a deep breath before returning her cheek to the top of Sofia's head. "I know with everything else, you returning to work kind of got lost in the shuffle… but how are you feeling about it? We both know how hard leaving you guys was for me…"
"Yeah, it's not easy…" She sighed, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of her daughter's head, Gabby continually stroking over Sofia's back. "I don't know, obviously I knew it was coming, but, like you said, with everything else going on… it just kind of didn't occur to me until last night. I'm gonna miss her so much, but I know it's for the best. You and I getting back to work, it's what all three of us need." She told him, Matt nodding as he stepped towards his girls, wrapping his arm around Gabby's back, carefully pulling her into his side, Sofia nestled between her parents.
"Yeah, I think so, too… But I hope Becca's ready for the hundreds of texts and phone calls she'll be getting from us today." Matt spoke lightly, Gabby chuckling as she rested her head against his shoulder.
"Oh, don't you worry, I already warned her… She knows to expect a lot of us checking in today." Gabby responded, Matt nodding knowingly.
Gabby had been in contact with Becca a lot over the last week, seeing as how their plans had changed and they didn't need the nanny the days they originally thought they would, Gabby knowing she needed to keep her updated on what was going on with them so Sofia could be cared for. And during one of their first calls after what happened to Matt on shift, Gabby had given Becca the shortened version of events, knowing the girl needed to know what all was going on. She told Matt she'd be letting Becca know what happened, but she'd informed the nanny on what Matt had gone through, as well as warning her that, their first shift back especially, both Matt and Gabby would most likely be checking in quite frequently. Becca understood without question, assuring Gabby she'd be there for whatever the family needed, whenever they needed it.
A sharp knock on their front door pulled them from their peaceful quiet, Matt reluctantly pulling away from his family as he slowly moved towards the door. "I bet that's Becca, I'll get it- Oh, I meant to tell you," He stopped himself, Gabby's ears perking up. "Your brother texted you." He spoke, Gabby's eyebrows furrowing as she glanced towards the nightstand, not seeing her phone in its usual spot. "It was out in the kitchen." He answered her silent question, Gabby nodding before following him towards the door.
"What did he say?" She asked, Matt smirking softly.
"What? You think I just go around reading your texts?" He asked with a grin, Gabby tilting her head to the side.
"You and I both know the answer to that question." She responded as they got out into the living room, Matt continuing through the apartment while Gabby stayed by the couch.
"Hey, it's never been an issue before." He defended, knowing Gabby never cared if he saw anything on her phone, it having never been something that bothered either of them.
"You know I don't care, now get the door." Gabby chastised, Matt nodding before continuing to the front door, picking up his speed to get there quicker. Within seconds, he got the deadbolt unlocked, Matt pulling the door open, seeing Becca standing there with a bright smile on her face.
"Hey Becca."
"Hi." She responded, stepping inside as Matt moved back, the girl wearing a thick winter coat, her shoulders and clad head covered in snow. "Sorry I'm a little late, it's crazy out there."
"No worries, Gabby and I still have some time before we need to leave." Matt responded, Becca nodding as she placed her overnight bag down on the ground, beginning to shed her jacket. "I guess it's still snowing pretty good out there, huh?"
"Yeah, it's bad. Be careful when you head out."
"We will." He promised, the two walking into the living room, seeing Gabby standing there holding Sofia.
"Good morning, Gabby." She greeted, the mom offering her a warm smile.
"Morning Becca."
"How's little Sofia doing today?" She asked as she came to stand beside Gabby, resting her hand on the back of the baby's head.
"She's doing good, definitely energetic… But that'll probably work in your favor because I imagine she'll be taking a very good nap later." Gabby spoke lightly, Becca nodding with a laugh as she moved towards the couch. "Matt and I still have some time before we need to go, so you can just relax for a bit, or get something to eat, if you like." She offered, Becca nodding once more as she sat down on the couch, Gabby and Matt both moving back towards the bedroom, wanting to get a few more minutes with their daughter before they left.
Matt left the door slightly ajar when he followed his wife into the bedroom, Gabby sitting down on the edge of the bed as he came over to sit down beside her, hooking his arm around her waist, placing his other hand over Sofia's back.
"We should probably tell Becca not to go anywhere with Sofia today, unless it's an emergency. I mean, I don't think she would anyway, but just in case… If it's as bad as it sounds, I don't want Sofia out in that." Gabby murmured, leaning into Matt as they sat together.
"We'll mention it to her, just in case." He assured her, Gabby nodding before she pressed a kiss to Sofia's head.
"What did Antonio say?" She asked, Matt glancing towards her. "You never got a chance to tell me."
"Oh, right. He just said that he didn't have any update… I'm guessing that's about the guy." Matt spoke, Gabby nodding slightly.
"Yeah, Antonio's still be checking in with the detectives on the case. But I guess they haven't made much progress." She breathed out, shaking her head. "Hopefully, the guy just skipped town."
"Yeah, hopefully." Matt murmured, rubbing his hand along her side.
The day after that call, Gabby had stood by her word and talked to Antonio, filling her older brother in on everything that had happened, the detective horrified by what his brother in-law had experienced, soon promising his baby sister that he'd stay updated on the case and let her know what was going on. Which was something she greatly appreciated, her brother giving her some peace of mind that this wasn't going to just be forgotten.
The only problem was, the detectives working it hadn't made much progress.
They still didn't know who this man was, or where he was. And that didn't sit well with Gabby. Not when she knew how dangerous he was.
But there wasn't anything she could do about it, except let her brother and the district handle it.
"You know… I've been thinking about something," Matt cleared his throat, changing their topic of discussion as Gabby looked up, waiting for him to elaborate. "When I was out in the living room with Sof earlier, it dawned on me that we don't have a Christmas tree."
"Oh… yeah." She spoke, her nose scrunching up slightly. "Honestly, it hadn't even occurred to me."
"Well, we've had a lot going on." He replied, Gabby nodding. "But I think we should go and get one. I mean, I know it's only about two weeks until Christmas, but I still think we should have a tree."
"We definitely should… I kind of forgot it was coming so soon, but we should have one for Sofia's first Christmas." She said with a gleam in her eye, Matt nodding enthusiastically.
"That's exactly what I was thinking." He replied, pressing a kiss to the side of her head. "Maybe we could go in between shifts, take Sof and go pick a tree. It could be like a new family tradition." Matt suggested, Gabby's eyes brightening as she smiled.
"I'd love that." She spoke softly, Matt grinning wide as he rubbed along his daughter's back. "But you're sure you'd feel up for it?" She asked, her gaze softening. Although he was getting better, Gabby knew one of his main concerns with Sofia since what happened with Micah was taking her out of the house, Matt having panicked at the idea more than once over the last week. And even though all of them were making progress, she didn't want to rush it.
"Mhmm, I'm sure… I mean, baby steps, but I've gotta get past all this." He replied, Gabby giving him an understanding nod. "And I think going to get a tree would be nice for all of us. I know she's too little to know what's going on, but it'll be something we can tell her about when she's older, something we can do every year."
"It sounds nice." Gabby murmured, a soft smile covering her lips at the thought. "Maybe we can go tomorrow, if the weather isn't too bad. As long as everything today goes okay." She suggested, knowing that their first day back would most likely be a little taxing on both of them.
"Sounds like a plan, baby." He replied, pressing another kiss to her head before resting against her, a soft silence falling over the room aside from Sofia's occasional noises, the parents wanting to enjoy one last relaxing moment with their daughter before leaving her for an entire day.
"So, first shift back…" Kelly spoke up, Matt lifting his head as the two sat outside at the squad table, the Captain and the Lieutenant the only two brave enough to face the cold winter air out in the garage as they waited for lunch to be ready. "And you've already got two calls under your belt, how are you feeling?" He asked, the Lieutenant watching him closely.
"I'm alright." Casey replied, Kelly raising his eyebrows in question. "I promise, I'm good. It's nice to be back in the swing of things." He added, Severide giving him a slight nod before going back to his paper, Matt's eyes moving around the garage.
As first shift's back go, Matt would say this one had gone pretty well so far, for both him and Gabby. Them leaving the apartment this morning had been more of a challenge than he anticipated, Gabby suddenly feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt as they tried to leave. But once he got her out of the apartment and to the firehouse, she slowly began to feel better about being away from Sofia, even though it was still hard on her.
But the nerves they were both feeling were helped by the warm welcome they received the second they walked into 51 this morning. Brett, Kidd, and Foster had prepared a huge welcome back breakfast for Gabby, Herrmann making a joke about how everyone could pretend it was for Casey, too, the light feeling in the air making it easier on both the Captain and paramedic. He could tell everyone was worried about them, about him, but they never asked him any direct questions about it, they just tried to treat him like they normally would, which he greatly appreciated. But he could sense some hesitation on their part, Casey knowing they were all just worried. They weren't tiptoeing around him, but they were being careful, not wanting to say or do anything that might trigger bad memories for him, or for Dawson. But luckily, the more time they spent together during their meal, the more their hesitation began to fade when they saw that Casey really was okay, or that he was at least getting there.
It wasn't long after breakfast that they got their first call of the morning, the intense weather causing a ton of accidents throughout the city, one of which had ended up with a lady plowing straight into the side of a building, that call having taken them a couple of hours to clean up. Luckily, no one was seriously injured, but it had been an intense one. Then before they could even get packed up, they got called out to another car accident, snow falling down on them heavily as they went out to do their jobs.
It had been a long and busy morning, and honestly Casey couldn't have asked for a better first morning back. The quick pace was nice, it provided a good distraction from the nervousness he felt about being back, and he knew it had helped Gabby, too.
Matt knew Gabby was having a harder time than she'd let on, with her being worried about him and, on top of that, being away from Sofia, today was difficult for her. But it was times like this where Casey was incredibly grateful for the house, Kidd, Brett, and Herrmann practically having made it their mission to make sure Gabby was distracted and kept busy all throughout the morning. He knew he shouldn't have been surprised, but there was a part of Matt that had been a little worried about Gabby getting lost in the shuffle of all this. He was worried that everyone would be too focused on making sure he was okay, and Gabby would fall through the cracks.
But the second they got here this morning, he realized he had no reason to be worried, Brett and Foster having swooped in and been with her practically from the beginning of shift. Kidd had been keeping an eye on her, too, as well as Herrmann, even though the older firefighter always did, the man having a soft spot for the paramedic, but Casey was just grateful that they'd helped preoccupy Gabby today, knowing it had made being back so much easier on her. Between worrying about him, and this being her first day away from their daughter, it was a lot for his wife, and he was glad to know there were other people looking out for her besides him.
"How much longer do you think until lunch is ready, I'm starving." Severide groaned, his voice pulling Casey from his thoughts as he glanced towards his best friend.
"Well, considering all he had to do was put the pans in the oven, I'm hoping not too much longer." Casey joked, earning a slight scoff from Severide.
Their second call of the day had kept them away from the house until around one, Herrmann immediately going to put lunch in the oven when they got back. When word had spread about Dawson, and Casey, returning to shift, the entire house had pitched in to make things easier for their first day back, and that included Cindy making them lunch. She had made some lasagna and sent it with Herrmann, giving him easy instructions on how to warm it up, the woman wanting to do something nice for the Casey's on their first day back, something that was greatly appreciated by both of them.
Buzzing in his pocket grabbed Matt's attention, the Captain quickly pulling his phone out, an instant smile falling onto his face as he unlocked the device, clicking on the photo that had just been sent to him.
"That's not from Dawson, is it?" Severide asked warily, Matt rolling his eyes as he turned the screen, showing off the picture of Sofia that Becca had sent both him and Gabby.
"It's the baby." He replied, Kelly smiling softly when he looked at the image of a very happy Sofia, the young girl lying on her play mat with a huge grin across her face, her arms blurry in the photo as she was most likely moving them around in excitement.
"Man, my Goddaughter is cute… Looks like she's having an amazing time with you, though." He replied jokingly, Matt narrowing his gaze.
"You better not let Gabby hear you say that." Casey warned, Severide opening his mouth to respond, but he couldn't before they heard the double doors open, a voice quickly filling the air around them.
"Hey guys, lunch is ready." Foster spoke as she poked her head out into the garage, Severide releasing a heavy breath.
"Oh thank God."
"Thanks Foster." Casey replied, the woman nodding before disappearing back into the house, Matt and Kelly pushing themselves up from their chair.
"Herrmann better not have fucked this up, although I'm so hungry at this point I don't even care."
"Sev, we just had a huge breakfast… How are you this hungry?"
"I don't know, maybe because you made me give Dawson the last piece of french toast." He replied pointedly, Casey scoffing as they moved towards the double doors.
"It was her breakfast, Sev."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." He huffed, walking in step beside his friend. "Where is Dawson, anyway? She disappeared when 61 got back." He questioned, Matt clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth.
When ambo had gotten back around half an hour ago, Casey could tell as soon as he saw her that Gabby was in some discomfort when she walked through the garage, and he immediately knew the reason, Matt and Gabby having had a silent conversation before she disappeared inside, Dawson reassuring him that she was good and didn't need anything.
"Oh, uh, she's busy. But she'll be out here in a bit." He replied, Kelly furrowing his eyebrows.
"Busy? With what? She loves Cindy's lasagna, and I can't promise to save her some this time." He joked, Matt rolling his eyes.
"It's nothing you need to worry about." He replied, Kelly's eyebrows raising as they stepped into the firehouse, the two stopping in the hallway, seeing a line had already formed to wait for food. "And you one hundred percent would save her some."
"Yeah we both know I would, but that's not the point." He replied, narrowing his eyes slightly. "But now you have to tell me, what is she doing?" Severide pressed, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Yeah, Kelly, trust me, you don't want to know." Matt tried again, Kelly shaking his head.
"What is it?" He pushed, Matt releasing a sigh as he looked at his friend.
"She's pumping, Sev." Kelly grimaced, immediately shaking his head in disgust as Matt chuckled softly. "You asked."
"I should've just listened to you." He replied, Casey tilting his head to the side.
"Yeah, you should've… Although, I don't know why you're so grossed out to begin with. She's providing food for my baby, there's nothing gross about that." He defended, Kelly rolling his eyes.
"Okay Daddy-dearest, cool it. I'm not grossed out, it's just.. weird- Not the breastfeeding thing." He clarified when he saw the sharp stare coming from Casey. "I get it, it's natural, it's beautiful, it's the circle of life, all that fun stuff, I don't care about that, it's just the pump thing that's weird... it's like a cow or something."
"Yeah, never say that to her. Ever." Matt replied immediately, shaking his head as Severide raised his eyebrows.
"You really think I'm trying to have a conversation with Dawson about this?" He asked in disbelief.
"Have a conversation with Dawson about what?"
Severide and Casey both jumped when Gabby's voice hit their ears, Kelly releasing a loud noise of surprise as his hand covered his chest, his reaction gaining the attention of the common room.
"Jesus Christ." Severide breathed out, Gabby's eyes darting in between both of them, Matt hearing some snickers coming from the common room as they watched on in amusement, Gabby raising her eyebrows before her pointed gaze landed on her husband.
"Nothing." Casey answered her question with a shrug, Gabby narrowing her gaze.
"Uh huh, I'm sure." She replied, Matt chuckling as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, Kelly having already made himself scarce, not wanting to face Dawson's wrath, as Matt led her into the common room. "Do I wanna know what that was about?"
"Definitely not." He replied, pressing a kiss to the side of their head as they waited for their turn to get some food.
"Well, how are you feeling?" Casey asked as he grabbed onto Gabby's hand, the couple making their way through the quickest path out of the firehouse. "We got our first shift down, you still doing alright?"
"I'm okay… I miss Sofia like crazy, though." She replied, Matt nodding as he pressed a kiss against her head. "I really just wanna see her."
"I know you do, but we'll be home with her soon. And you saw Becca's texts, she said she did well through the night, which I know you were worried about."
"Yeah, I was, but I'm glad she did okay… I just can't wait to see her." Gabby asked, Matt wearing a sympathetic smile as they moved into the garage, the two going quiet as they began to decompress after their long shift.
Overall, their first shift back had been alright. They had both managed to handle themselves relatively well, but there were some struggles along the way. As the day wore on yesterday, being away from Sofia had become more and more difficult for the paramedic, Gabby feeling the emotional effects of being away from her baby for so long, being separated from her baby taking its toll on her. But she pushed through it, knowing that Sofia was okay, and she had to be able to do this, even though she had been texting Becca for updates multiple times an hour.
But things had gotten progressively harder for both of them after a particularly bad call late in the afternoon, 51 responding to a pretty brutal car accident where a mother and young child had been killed in the crash. And Matt and Gabby had both taken it pretty hard. For Dawson, she couldn't help but think of Sofia, and the thought nearly made her throw up, Gabby unable to stomach the idea of something so brutal and cruel happening to her daughter. And for Casey, it was also him seeing Sofia in the young girl that had been killed, but everything he'd experienced with Micah had added another layer of feelings he had to work through, and it had led to a pretty rough evening for the parents, both Matt and Gabby having holed up together in his office for awhile after that one, needing some space from everyone else and each other to move on from what they saw.
Luckily, after some quiet alone time together in his office, and a Facetime call with Becca where they got to spend some time with Sofia, they were both in better spirits, the parents feeling much better after just a glimpse of their daughter. It hadn't been an immediate fix, but seeing that their little girl was alright had eased some of their distress.
Although that feeling hadn't lasted nearly long enough, at least not for Gabby.
When night had finally come and it was time to go to bed, she tried to sleep. She had tried for nearly an hour to fall asleep, but she couldn't, Gabby unable to stop thinking about Sofia. She wasn't able to stop thinking about how usually she'd be feeding right now, how in a few hours she'd wake up again, crying until she could be held by one of her parents. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about how Sofia would instantly calm down whenever she was placed in her arms, and how content she was as she'd cling to her.
All of it was creating a whirlwind of emotions within the new mother, leading to Gabby being unable to fall asleep on her own, which had her ending up in Matt's bed.
Casey couldn't say he was surprised she'd snuck into his bunk, Matt having nearly been asleep last night when he heard the soft tapping on his door, unable to see who was there because of the blinds being drawn. But Gabby hadn't even waited for his okay before she opened the door, his face softening when he saw his tired wife, Matt instantly waving her in. Without any explanation, she had closed the door behind her and climbed into bed with him, her body resting on top of his as she clung to her husband, Gabby assuming he'd known exactly what brought her to his office as he never said a word, Matt only holding onto her and stroking her back, cuddling her until she fell asleep.
It had definitely been an emotional twenty four hours, but Gabby was proud of herself for getting through it, for both of them getting through it. With everything they had been dealing with as of late, both of them being able to get back to work, and be okay at the end of it was nothing short of a miracle. And she was thankful for the push the Chaplain had given them to get back into their normal lives, them both needing it more than they realized.
Although they weren't there yet, she knew, in time, they'd both be okay... That Matt would be okay. And that was all she wanted.
"So, plan for today." He spoke up, squeezing her hand as they walked down the driveway, their steps slow to navigate through the snow and ice underneath their feet. "I say we go home, spend some time with Sof, then maybe after lunch we can go and pick out our tree." He told her, a goofy grin resting over his face, Gabby glancing up to see snow landing on his beanie-clad head, his infectious smile spreading one onto her face as well.
"Sounds like the perfect day, baby." She responded, bringing her free hand up to rub over his cheek, Matt leaning into her touch, flashing her a warm smile before they continued the path towards his truck.
He kept a firm grip on her as they navigated the slippery conditions, neither one of them noticing the man sitting in his car across the street, gripping his steering wheel tightly as he watched the unaware couple, his narrowed eyes following their every move as they climbed into their truck, setting off towards their home.