Chapter Nine

Smiling to myself I wondered how I hadn't realised this before. Alanis had left my room without another word, leaving me to muse over what she had said. I had spent so long feeling like there was no point to my life other than grieving for Elizabeth and going to work. It was a vicious cycle I had allowed myself, understandably, to fall in to. Now, it was as though I was ready to break the cycle yet I had an incomprehensible sense of trepidation at what I was about to allow myself to do. To let someone in. For real.

I would have been deceiving myself if I had said I wasn't scared. I was about to implement a decision that would change the way I had been living the past year and a half. One small step, one giant leap for Greg-kind. Trying not to laugh at how bad the jokes of my inner monologue were, I focussed on what I was going to do. Making jokes when I was nervous seemed to be some kind of defence mechanism I had harboured since my college days. My sense of humour had, admittedly, wavered somewhat since the murder. Suddenly, there hadn't been that many things to laugh at anymore.

'Hey you, here's your shirt back,' Alanis awoke me from my thoughts as she ambled up the corridor towards me, a small smile on her face, my shirt in her hand.

'Thanks,' I said, absently taking it from her.

'No problem…' she trailed off when she saw where I was looking.

I felt a pang of guilt as I saw the smile fall from her face. She tried to rectify this expression of her emotions by forcing the smile back on but she only succeeded in making herself look like she was suffering from some kind of abdominal discomfort.

'I'm sorry,' I said.

She looked at me with a gentle frown. 'Don't be stupid, you've nothing to be sorry for.'

'I feel like I kind of led you on,' I explained foolishly wishing I had never said anything to her in the first place then none of this would be happening.

'I led myself on,' Alanis said with a tone that suggested I shouldn't disagree with her. 'I should have noticed a little sooner. Besides, I probably landed myself in the same trap as you did.'

'And that would mean…?' I smiled, not understanding her.

'Thinking you liked someone when really you liked the relationship you had with them. I was new here and it was nice to have someone to connect with, you know?'

I nodded at her explanation. I knew exactly what she meant and understood everything we had discussed the day before at my apartment. I wasn't falling in love with her. I never had been. She put her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

'Go for it,' she whispered in my ear before releasing me and heading back to the front desk.

Exhaling as if trying to increase my confidence, I pushed on the door to the locker room and walked in. Wondering if it were a lucky coincidence or whether Alanis had sneakily orchestrated the lack of other people in the room, I smiled at Sara and quietly opened my locker. She smiled back and continued to tie the laces of her sneakers. Trying to think of what to say to initiate the conversation I had been rehearsing in my mind ever since I worked out what Alanis had meant yesterday, I began to absently move things around my locker, pretending to look for something.

'See you in minute?' Sara asked as she prepared to leave the room.

Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her! My mind instructed me like a nagging old spouse as the opportunity to tell her what I intended to tell her started to slip away. My heart started to thump nervously in my chest as I looked at the clutter inside my locker.

'I need to talk to you,' I said, my voice muffled through the steel door that was open beside my head. It was as though by hiding next to it, she wouldn't hear me and I wouldn't have to explain anything to her.

'What's wrong?' Sara asked quietly concerned, sitting down on the bench behind me.

The phrase 'no turning back now' had never been so appropriately employed. I continued looking into my locker as if not looking at her meant this was going to be less awkward than it already was.

'There's some stuff I need to tell you,' I began. 'And I'm sorry I haven't told you any of this before.'

'Greg, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to,' she said, clearly thinking I was feeling forced into confession in order to maintain the strength of our friendship.

I turned to face her and shook my head. Adrenaline seemed to be taking over me as I realised how deeply I felt for her and that I needed to let her know even if she never returned my feelings. Reaching into the back of my locker, I pulled out a photograph that I had kept hidden in there since Elizabeth and I had first started dating, and sat down beside Sara.

'This is Elizabeth,' I said.

'Yeah, I know,' Sara said with a sad smile reminding me that she had been the one who had identified her before discovering I was the next of kin.

'Oh yeah I forgot about that,' I said with a light laugh.

'Where was this taken?' she asked.

'About a month after we started going out, I managed to negotiate a weekend off and took her away.' I smiled, remembering the trip that seemed like a lifetime ago.

Sara nodded and smiled understandingly at me. As she looked back at the photograph, I stood up and took something else out of my locker.

'She was pretty,' Sara said quietly.

'Yeah.' I agreed equally as quietly. 'I know I haven't spoken to you about her much since the murder but I need you to know that I think about her a lot. I don't think anyone ever realised how much she meant to me and how I felt about her.'

Sara put her hand on my arm as I sat back down.

'I might not understand exactly but I know by the look in your eyes.' She said looking at me. 'You miss her.'

I nodded fighting back the tears that were threatening to spill from my eyes and reveal my weakness.

'I do and it's been hard and I'm so sorry that a lot of my anger was taken out on you in the past couple of weeks. I couldn't work out why I didn't want to talk to you, it just seemed to be really hard.' I tried to explain whilst feeling as though my words were just strung together to form a pathetic excuse.

'Hey, you're a guy. Guys never talk,' Sara joked; giving a small smile that suggested she might be starting to feel a little uncomfortable with how open this conversation was becoming.

'Anyway, I want to tell you something that I haven't told anyone else and probably never will tell anyone else,' I said, my hands were starting to shake and my palms felt sweaty as I toyed with the object in my hands.

'O.k., as long as you're sure you want to tell me,' Sara looked at me a little warily but didn't try to talk me out of it as though something in my tone and my expression indicated to her that I had made my mind up.

I took her hand and placed the object I had been holding into it. She remained silent as she looked at the ring box for a moment or two before slowly opening it. The simple diamond ring looked plain as it sat in the box. A year and a half ago it had seemed to sparkle with anticipation and excitement at the prospect of it's purpose. Now it sat redundantly in the box, no finger to sit on, no spot to warm for a wedding ring.

'I was going to give it to her as a birthday present,' I explained, as Sara remained silent, looking at the ring. 'The day after she died.'

Sara looked up at me, her eyes shining, holding back tears of sympathy for me. I smiled weakly and shrugged my shoulders as if to say it didn't really matter anyway when we both knew that it meant everything. It made the already horrendous circumstances I had found myself in that day even more tragic.

'Greg, I'm so sorry,' she whispered. 'I thought you were crazy about her but I never realised…'

'It's o.k,' I said, taking the box back from her and replacing it in my locker.

I stood looking at it for a moment as I thought of what to say next. It was like performing a play with no script and no rehearsal. There was a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I was doing something wrong. As much as I was ready to take the step, the guilt was still overwhelming enough to make me hesitate, question the morality of what I was going to do.

'Why are you telling me this now?' Sara asked. 'Not that I'm complaining, its just that it's a huge thing that you've told me and…'

She stopped as though she wasn't sure what she was trying to say.

'You're wondering if there's a reason behind it other than wanting to be honest with you?' I asked, smiling and sitting back down next to her.

Sara nodded 'I guess.'

'I wanted you to understand how I really felt about Elizabeth and that I will probably never forget about her or stop loving her in part.' I began to explain, hoping that saying this wouldn't affect her response to what I would say next.

'Of course you won't, no one would expect you to,' Sara said emphatically.

'The thing is,' I said looking away from her, jiggling my leg up and down with unease. 'I've developed feelings for someone and I want to try and make a go at things with them.'

Sara remained silent for what seemed like a lifetime, looking at the floor and not making eye contact with me.

'Alanis?' she said finally, no indication in her tone of whether she was surprised or pleased. The lack of aforementioned tone made me hopeful that perhaps she felt something towards me too.

'No,' I said simply, still hesitating to say what I had been intending to say ever since I had walked in to the locker room. 'You.'

If I weren't so nervous, the look of absolute disbelief on Sara's face would have made me laugh out loud. I didn't say anything else, just continued to look at her expectantly, wondering if I had been wrong to think that she might feel something back towards me. After a moment or two of excruciating silence, she made eye contact with me, and placed her hand on the side of my face. Her eyes scanned my face for a second or two before she leaned towards me.

'He's going down! The bastard's going down!'

Nick's abrupt and noisy entrance jolted Sara and I away from each other as he slammed the locker room door open and flung his arms wide as if just announcing that he had won the lottery. Sara didn't look up to the excited Texan that stood drawing attention to himself so I decided to address him instead.

'Nick, what are you talking about?' I was a little confused, mainly because I had been so engrossed in talking to Sara. It was as though we had created our own little world in the slightly less romantic setting of the crime lab's locker room.

'The jury came back on your girlfriend's case…' Nick began to explain.

'Elizabeth, her name was Elizabeth,' I corrected him, curtly.

'Sorry. Anyway, guilty as charged. Judge gave him life,' Nick said with a smile.

A/N – ahh things had to start looking up soon didn't they? I could only put poor Greggo through so much angst and the murderer had to get sentenced so we could have some kind of happy ending! Anyway it aint over yet…read on people.