Hi! Here's the next chapter for you all, which hopefully can serve as a little distraction from everything going on right now. Although fair warning, this one does get quite emotional. But I really enjoyed writing it, and hopefully you enjoy reading it.
I hope you all are staying as safe as you can, and that you and your families are doing alright during this crazy time.
Thanks for reading.
Chapter Eighty Seven
Casey sat on the stool at the end of the bar, watching as his wife moved effortlessly behind the counter, serving some customers maybe ten feet away from him as he nursed his first, and what he planned to be his only, beer of the night. They were heading into their third hour here at Molly's, Matt deciding to come along with Gabby while she worked her closing shift tonight at the bar, the parents having planned this night kind of at the last minute. Though they had known Gabby's schedule at Molly's for a few weeks, Matt hadn't planned to come with her until this morning, the couple deciding it would be nice to have a night out together with their friends.
Tapping his finger against his half-full glass, Matt saw Gabby move away from the group she'd just finished serving before she continued further down the bar back towards her friends, Casey watching as she picked up her conversation with Kidd, Brett, and Foster as if she'd never left, the firefighter working behind the bar with her while her fellow paramedics were sitting across from them. He couldn't be sure what they were talking about, but Matt wasn't too focused on the actual topic of their conversation as he was just watching his wife, a soft smile forming over his face when he saw how carefree she was. How a bright grin formed across her lips at something that had been said to her, how she pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear that had fallen down in front of her face, how her laugh broke through the other noise in the bar, the sound causing his smile to widen slightly.
As she pulled away from her small group to tend to some more customers, Matt couldn't help but keep his gaze on her while she moved, the Captain completely captivated by the love of his life. Well, one of the loves of his life, the other hopefully being fast asleep at home.
"You know, if you two weren't married, your staring would be kind of creepy."
Severide's taunting voice pulled Casey from his thoughts of his wife as he turned to see his best friend place himself down on the bar stool beside him, Kelly nodding down the bar towards Gabby before looking back at his friend.
"Hell, even though you are married, it's still a little weird." Severide added, Matt scoffing before taking a quick sip of his beer.
"Hi Severide." He greeted, ignoring the firefighter's comments as Kelly settled in beside him. "What brings you by tonight?"
"Came to see Kidd… The same reason you're here for Gabby." Severide replied knowingly, sparing a glance to his girlfriend, Kelly flashing her a smile when he caught her gaze before returning his attention to Casey. "But really, why are you staring at Dawson? Have there been a lot of guys hitting on her tonight or something?" Kelly asked with a chuckle, both men well aware that some nights at the bar, there were more new faces than usual, meaning Dawson and Kidd often got propositioned more than once while working the bar. "Because I'm pretty sure the wedding ring on her finger is more than enough to tell people she's taken."
"No, nothing like that." Matt responded with a slight laugh, his eyes moving back to Gabby, seeing her hand a fresh drink to Foster before walking away from her friends, Casey looking back at the firefighter beside him.
"Then what is it?" He asked, Matt pursing his lips together before drawing in a deep breath, Kelly's eyes narrowing slightly at Casey's demeanor. "...Something wrong?"
"I…"
"Well, hello Severide."
Both men turned towards the sound of Gabby's voice as she came to a stop in front of them behind the bar, Matt finding her gaze immediately, flashing her a warm smile.
"Hey Dawson."
"Can I get you something to drink?" She offered, pressing her palms down against the counter, Kelly nodding as he glanced towards Matt.
"I'll have what Mr. Dawson is having." He replied, his words earning a slight glare from Casey while Gabby couldn't help but laugh, the paramedic shaking her head in amusement before turning around and grabbing a beer glass from the back wall. "So, with both of you out tonight, who's watching the little squirt?" Severide questioned, knowing his previous conversation with Matt was now temporarily on hold.
"My dad." Gabby responded while filling up his glass, Kelly nodding in response. "He texted me about half an hour ago, said Sof had been asleep for a while." She added, clearly now addressing her husband. "He didn't try to put her in her crib, though. She's in our room."
"That's probably for the best." Matt breathed out, Gabby nodding in agreement as she handed Kelly his beer.
"The whole sleeping-in-her-room thing still not going so well?" Severide asked before taking a sip, seeing the parents share a knowing look before Matt spoke up.
"She's doing a little better… But it's hard enough for Gabby and I to get her to bed, it's better for Sof to just be where she's most comfortable when we're not there." He responded, Gabby nodding in agreement.
"Yeah, it's getting easier. Slowly." Gabby added with a soft smile. "She's warming up to the idea… But Matt's right, unless it's us or Becca, we don't try to have anyone else put her down in her room." She spoke, her words getting interrupted by Kidd calling out for her.
"Dawson, I need you back down here!" She yelled, flashing the three first responders a smile as she waved her over, Gabby nodding in response before looking back towards her husband and friend.
"Well, duty calls." She spoke, her gaze flickering back and forth between the two firefighters before her eyes landed on Matt. "You need a refill or anything, babe?" She questioned, Matt shaking his head as the smile on his face grew.
"I'm good, thank you, though." He responded, Gabby nodding before she pushed herself up over the bar, Matt's eyes widening slightly as she grabbed the front of his shirt, taking him by surprise when she placed a heated kiss against his lips. It took him a few seconds, but his mind soon caught up as he began kissing her back, Matt leaning forward as she tightened her hold on his shirt, no doubt wrinkling the material as she had it crumpled in her fist. Casey faintly heard Severide blow out a whistle beside him as Gabby deepened the kiss, Matt reciprocating the gesture as he continued to lean closer to his wife, lifting his hand up to grip her neck.
"Dawson!" Kidd's loud voice broke them apart, Gabby biting down on her bottom lip as Matt opened his eyes, finding his wife's warm gaze staring back at him, their faces still inches apart. "You can make out with the Captain later, get your ass over here!"
Shaking her head slightly, Gabby dropped the hold on his shirt while he simultaneously let go of her neck, both of them reluctantly separating after her unexpected display of affection. Without a word, Gabby tapped Matt's cheek before beginning to walk away, the paramedic flashing him a wink before turning to face forward, Casey watching her walk away.
Blowing out a heavy breath between his teeth, Matt shook his head before picking up his beer and taking a long sip, Kelly chuckling by his side.
"Well, that was something." Severide replied, following Casey's lead and taking a drink, Matt raising his eyebrows. "But, really, what's going on?"
"What?" Matt asked as he placed his glass back down on the bar.
"With you and Dawson, you were acting weird before she came over here…" He elaborated, Kelly watching his friend carefully as Matt picked back up his beer and finished it off, Severide's eyebrows raising as Casey downed the large amount of alcohol still left in his glass. "What's going on? I mean, you two seem fine. More than fine, actually, if that was any indication." He continued, waving his hand in the air, referring to the show Dawson and Casey had just given Molly's.
"Because we are." Matt replied, clearing his throat.
"Then what is it?" Severide pushed, Casey drawing in a deep breath before bringing his hand up to run over his mouth, Kelly waiting for some answer from his best friend.
"I just… I wanna make sure she's doing alright." He replied softly, Kelly's eyebrows furrowing as he glanced back across the bar, seeing Dawson laughing at something Stella was telling her.
"Did something happen?" He questioned, tearing his eyes away from Gabby.
"No." Casey answered quickly, Kelly tilting his head to the side, Matt releasing another breath before clenching his neck. "Well- not really, I guess."
"You're gonna have to give me more than that." Severide told him, Matt sparing another quick glance to his wife before looking back towards Kelly's expectant gaze.
"We're fine." He clarified, Kelly nodded as he waited for Matt to continue. "Things are just a little..." He trailed off, knowing he wasn't doing a very good job of explaining himself, Matt shaking his head before continuing. "Yesterday, uh, I found out that before Sofia was born, Gabby left me a letter." He spoke quietly, wanting to keep this conversation just between them.
"Alright…" Severide said, his single word laced in confusion, clearly unsure of where this was headed. Sensing the uncertainty, Matt released a heavy sigh before just blurting the words out.
"She wrote it for me in case she died during the delivery." Matt spoke bluntly, Kelly's eyes immediately widening in surprise. "It was a goodbye letter."
Kelly sat stunned for a split second, trying to digest the information before he shook his head, Severide's eyes moving back towards Gabby as he blew out a heavy breath. "...Shit, man." He muttered, Matt nodding in agreement before clearing his dry throat, Casey suddenly wishing he'd taken Gabby up on her offer for a refill.
"Yeah." He agreed, clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth as he started messing with his empty beer glass, tapping his finger on the side of it to distract himself. "There's kind of a long story there, but she gave it to me yesterday… So, that's brought up a lot of stuff."
"...And?" Kelly pressed, Matt raising his eyebrows.
"And what?" He questioned back.
"What did it say?"
Matt's tongue poked out between his teeth, running it over his lips before he shook his head, shrugging in response. "I don't know." He answered, Severide raising his eyebrows questioningly. "I haven't read it yet."
"Why not?" Kelly continued to interrogate, Matt sighing heavily before his eyes moved back down the bar to Gabby, seeing her now in the midst of a conversation with Herrmann, the Captain keeping his gaze on her as he answered.
"I… I don't know… I've gone to read it a few times, but every time I'm about to open it, I just- I can't." He responded quietly, missing the look of sadness that flashed in Kelly's eyes.
"Are you going to?" Kelly asked, Casey tearing his eyes away from his wife to look back at his friend, Matt giving him a slow nod.
"I am. I want to… I think. But I haven't been able to get myself to open it." He replied, Kelly patting his shoulder comfortingly. "Each time I've picked it up, I just… I can't stop thinking about how that letter could've been Gabby's last words to me.. Her last words to anyone… And thinking about her sitting down, writing her goodbye to me… it kills me because I can't even imagine what that felt like for her. Knowing there was a possibility I would've ended up getting that letter… that she could've died." Matt breathed out, shaking his head as he was suddenly at a loss for words, Severide squeezing his shoulder tightly, doing what he could to comfort his friend. Releasing a sharp breath, Matt pressed his fingers into his temple, trying to get rid of the growing ache inside his skull, the Captain quickly glancing at his wife to make sure she was still out of earshot before continuing. "So this all just... this has brought all that up again- her nearly dying. And you know how hard that was on us…"
"I do." Severide confirmed softly, the Lieutenant looking towards Gabby as well, seeing her still chatting away happily with her friends. "But she seems to be okay… I mean, I know she's usually good at hiding her feelings sometimes, but she seems to be alright to me."
"No, I know… She has been. It was a little hard talking about it when I asked her, but other than that, she's been okay." Casey agreed, Kelly removing his hand from Matt's shoulder before taking another drink. "Hell, I think it's affecting me more so than her… But I'm just trying to make sure she's alright." He explained, Severide nodding in understanding.
"You guys haven't talked about it at all?" He questioned, Matt looking up at him before shaking his head.
"No, not since I asked her about it yesterday." Matt responded. "When she gave me the letter and I didn't immediately read it, she asked me if I was going to. And I told her I was… Then she asked me again this morning if I'd read it yet and I said no, but that's been it… I think she's just waiting for me to be ready to read it." He said, the Captain getting everything off his chest as he continued tapping away at his empty beer glass.
"Well, I don't really know if there's anything I can do to help with this," Severide started, Matt glancing up at him. "But, whatever that letter says, all you can do is remember that she's still here… That both her and Sofia are here, that they're healthy." He continued, Matt giving him a slow nod. "Your family's fine, man."
Sucking in a deep breath, Matt nodded before flashing him small smile. "Yeah, you're right… Thanks, Sev." He replied, Kelly nodding supportively before taking another sip of his beer.
Across the bar, Gabby smiled brightly at the customer in front of her, giving him a thankful nod when he placed a twenty into the tip jar, the paramedic ignoring his stares while she headed back over to her friends, the sound of Kidd's laughter filling her ears before anything else.
"Damn Dawson, what is that? Like the fifth guy who's done that tonight?" She asked, her words causing Brett and Foster to laugh while Herrmann huffed out something under his breath.
"Well, we've got an appreciative crowd tonight." Dawson replied with a wink, Stella shaking her head in amusement.
"Yeah, well most of the guys must've missed that little gift you gave Casey earlier… I don't think they'd waste the money if they knew they didn't have a chance." She chuckled, Gabby rolling her eyes before tossing the white bar rag over her shoulder, glancing back to Christopher as he worked on getting the last of the beer glasses set out.
"You need help, Herrmann?" She asked, earning a look from the older man.
"What? You mean now that I'm done with it? Nah, I'm fine. Thanks." He replied, an edge of sarcasm to his tone. But Gabby simply ignored it, flashing him a bright smile, Herrmann unable to stop himself from smiling, too.
"Well, just thought I'd ask." She replied with a laugh before returning her attention back to her friends.
"So Dawson, back to the townhouse…" Foster spoke, reminding Gabby of the conversation they'd started that had been interrupted by some customers, a look of realization covering Dawson's face.
"Oh, right! Yeah, it was great. Matt and I loved it." She replied, her eyes moving down the bar towards her husband, seeing him deep in conversation with Severide. "It was a great place… We don't want to be too hasty or anything, and we want to talk about it some more, but we both love it. The neighborhood is great, it's a huge place, and the price isn't too bad… It's not too far from the station, or from here. It honestly checks all our boxes, but it's a big decision, so we want to weigh all our options." She told her friends, earning nods from all of them.
"Yeah, that's probably the way to go, but from the pictures you showed me, the place looked beautiful." Brett replied, Gabby flashing her a wide grin.
"It was even better in person." She responded, Gabby feeling Kidd slide past her to go serve a customer further down the bar. "Most of the places we've seen, they're either not as nice as the photos make it seem, or there's just something off about them… But this place." She spoke, shaking her head slightly. "It was even better than we thought it'd be. I really think it could work for us, especially further down the line when we have more kids and everything… There's plenty of space for us."
"Don't let Stella hear you mention more kids." Sylvie warned jokingly. "I swear, she's convinced you're pregnant already." She added, Gabby rolling her eyes playfully as she released a heavy breath.
"I know she is... Though I believe it's just wishful thinking at this point." Dawson replied with a laugh. "I don't think I've ever seen someone more invested in two people having kids…"
"Yeah, she definitely is on-board for more little Caseys running around." Foster agreed.
"Aren't we all." Herrmann chirped from a few feet away, Gabby raising her eyebrows as an unimpressed look covered her face. "What, kid? I'm sorry, but we've all seen how much you two have gone through to get here, and we know how much you've both always wanted kids… You can't fault us for being invested." He spoke, his sincere words causing a small smile to pull on her lips. "And plus, it took you two so long to get it together, we all suffered through those ups and downs," He added with a smug grin, Gabby scoffing as she pressed her hands into the edge of the bar. "So, yeah, all of us want to see you two have more kids."
"I'm so glad mine and Matt's life is such a common topic of discussion around here." Gabby replied sarcastically, Herrmann shrugging as he walked past her, patting her on the shoulder as he moved.
"What did you expect? It took seven years for us to get here… Hell, and that's just from when you two got together. It's even longer if you count all the years you were in love with him but he never knew." Herrmann responded, Gabby feeling heat rise to her cheeks, the paramedic suddenly glad that her husband was further down the bar. It wasn't that her long-time feelings for him were a secret, but they were definitely something he teased her about whenever given the opportunity. And she didn't like being reminded of the fact that while Matt may have been oblivious to her feelings for him since long before them being together was even a possibility, the rest of the house had been well aware of how much she'd liked him.
"Yeah, yeah, okay, I get your point." Gabby conceded, hoping to steer the conversation away from her crush on her now-husband, Herrmann chuckling as he grabbed a bottle of liquor off the back wall. "But that still doesn't mean any of you have a say in Matt and I having more kids, especially you, Stella." She continued as the firefighter walked back over to here, Kidd raising her hands in defense.
"Don't I know it.." She replied under her breath, jumping right in even though she'd missed part of the conversation, Gabby opening her mouth to respond, but was cut off by a rather large group of customers coming in all at once, the three behind the bar knowing their conversation with their friends would have to be put on hold for the time being.
"The back door's locked, babe." Matt spoke as he stood in the doorway to the stockroom, Gabby looking up just as he turned the light off in the back room before he walked back into the bar. Flashing him an appreciative smile, she gave him a nod as she picked up another one of the stools, placing it upside down on top of the table.
"Thank you." She replied, Matt shooting her a warm smile before helping her complete the task of getting all the stools up off the ground.
The husband and wife were the only two people left at Molly's, Matt having helped escort the last customer out around fifteen minutes ago before turning off the outside lights and locking up the front door, making it clear they were no longer open for business so they could start getting ready to head home. It was late, like it was all the nights Gabby had to close up, Matt having sent Ramon a text a few minutes ago saying they'd be leaving soon, the both of them working quickly so they could get out of here and get back home to their daughter.
"Thanks for coming out with me tonight. And helping me close up."
Matt looked up when he heard her voice, finding her watching him as she put her last stool up on the table.
"Of course." He replied softly, continuing to get the last of his chairs on the bar. While he wasn't able to do it often, Matt usually staying back at home with Sofia while Gabby worked late, any time he could come and help her close, he jumped at the opportunity. Not only did he like getting to spend some time out with her while they were with their friends, he also felt better about her not being here alone this late at night. Not that he didn't think she could handle herself, because she absolutely could, but the thought still made him a little nervous, especially with everything they'd dealt with over the last few months. "I'm glad we came… You seemed to have a good time with Kidd and everyone." He added with a pointed stare, Gabby chuckling as she walked over to him.
"Yeah, I did… I swear, I don't know what's gotten into Stella lately, but she has less of a filter than normal." She replied, scrunching her nose up in amusement as she waited for Matt to handle the last bar stool. Once he'd finished, as soon as he turned towards her, she stepped forward, Gabby wrapping her arms around his waist as she slowly pushed them back until he was pressed into the bar, Matt instinctively resting his hands low on her hips. "But I had a good time. Tonight was nice." She added, locking her fingers together behind his back as she felt his hands move over her sides.
"It was." He agreed, his hands settling around her back before he slid them into her back pockets, effectively pressing her body into his. Gabby smirked at the action, the paramedic cocking her head to the side as she caught his sly grin.
"Can I help you with something?" She questioned lightly, feeling him give her a squeeze as she moved her thumb back and forth over his lower back.
"I'd just like a moment alone with my beautiful wife." He replied, Matt feeling warmth spread through his chest when he saw the content smile that formed over her face, Gabby leaning forward slightly so their faces were mere inches apart.
"Is that so?"
"Mhmm." He hummed, flashing her a soft smile. "I mean, I had a good time, but I barely saw you tonight." He continued, Gabby raising her eyebrows as she slowly slid her hand underneath the back of his shirt, rubbing her fingers along his back just above the waistband of his pants, a knowing look covering his face as he felt her skin against his.
"Well, you seemed to be a little preoccupied with Kelly all evening." She responded with a grin, Gabby pushing herself forward until her lips were just barely touching his. "I didn't want to get in the way of you two." She added, a low chuckle escaping the back of his throat, Matt not getting the chance to respond to her as she pressed a gentle kiss against his lips.
Their movements started slow and soft, Matt gripping her in his palms as they both leaned into the bar, Gabby deepening the kiss and allowing him entrance as they picked up their pace. She scratched her fingers lightly over his lower back, the action causing a chill to shoot through his body as he kept her close, a soft moan escaping his lips as they moved together.
The two of them became completely lost in one another, neither of them sure how long they'd been standing there as they continued their pace, Gabby pressing her hips into his occasionally, thoroughly enjoying the moans and groans she was eliciting from him. When her need for air became too great, Gabby pulled back, sucking in deep breaths as Matt moved his lips along her jaw down to her neck, attacking every inch of her skin he could find as he heard her pants in his ear. Without warning, Matt used his strength to spin them around, a surprised squeak escaping her lips as Gabby's back was suddenly being pushed into the bar, Matt pinning her against the counter while he continued to pepper her neck with kisses.
Gabby gave herself completely to the strong feelings of desire and want that were growing inside of her, her mind focused on nothing but the feeling of Matt's hands all over her body, his lips trailing back up towards hers before reclaiming them with his own, Gabby gripping any part of him she could as he pressed his hips into hers, keeping her firmly against the bar. She could feel the effect she'd had on him pressing into her thigh, Gabby smirking against his lips as Matt deepened their movements, his hands bracing himself against the bar.
A slight gasp left her lips when he pushed against her yet again, Matt pulling back instantly when he recognized the noise to not be one of pleasure, but one of discomfort.
"You okay?" He murmured, Gabby nodding as she moved her hand to rest over her back, pressing against her spine slightly.
"I'm good… The bar isn't the most forgiving thing in the world." She responded, Matt nodding as he moved his hand behind her back to rest over hers, gently rubbing over the sore spot.
"Sorry." He replied softly, Gabby shaking her head as she leaned back into his hand. "I guess I got a little carried away." He added with a sheepish grin, Gabby leaning forward to press a much more tame kiss to his lips, the couple slowly coming back down to reality.
"It's fine… But we probably should get out of here. I don't want to keep my dad waiting too much longer." She told him, Matt nodding in agreement before giving her another quick kiss.
"You're right." He breathed out once he pulled back, Matt lifting his free hand up towards her cheek, stroking her skin gently before he leaned back in. "But you and I will definitely be finishing this another time." He murmured, Gabby's smile growing before he captured her lips in a passionate kiss.
A few seconds later, they reluctantly pulled back, both of their chests heaving as they fought to catch their breath, Gabby unable to stop the smirk from forming over her lips when she was reminded of the clear effect she had on him as their hips were still pressed together.
"Yeah, we'll definitely have to finish this later… Wouldn't want to leave you like that, Captain."
Matt bit back a groan, the combination of her teasing voice and her hips pressed into his not helping his growing problem as the firefighter released a sharp breath, Matt shaking his head before stepping away from his wife, knowing if he didn't, they'd end up making Ramon wait at the apartment a little longer.
"Yeah, we need to get out of here." He muttered under his breath, the sound of Gabby's laugh causing a soft grin to cover his face, Matt watching as she grabbed her purse off the bar and walked towards him.
"Don't worry, babe, I'm sure the ride home will give you enough time to sort that out." She continued to joke at his expense, her eyes moving down towards the very obvious bulge in his jeans, Matt shifting to try and ease his discomfort as they continued towards the door.
"You keep this up, we won't be going home just yet." He told her with a gleam in his eye, Gabby biting down on her bottom lip as she watched him walk out the door, Matt holding it open for her to follow after him, both of them knowing if not for Sofia, they'd be heading right back inside this bar and finishing what they started.
Casey walked out of the bedroom to a completely quiet apartment, the man scratching the back of his head as he looked between the kitchen and the living room, trying to decide whether he wanted to get something to eat or not. Seeing as how it was nearing two in the afternoon, Matt quickly decided he should at least get a little something to snack on, considering he hadn't eaten since dinner last night at the firehouse. Blowing out a sigh, he changed his course of direction to the kitchen, the tired firefighter padding around the room as he searched for something to eat.
It had been a long night last night at 51, the entire house called out to an apartment fire a little before eleven that kept them out all throughout the night, 81 and squad 3 not rolling back into the station until around five this morning. Unfortunately, there had been a few casualties, but with the extent of the fire, truthfully they were lucky only a couple lives had been lost.
It definitely hadn't been the type of night that any of them were expecting, and no one in the house had been able to get any sleep after that call. So when the tired parents had gotten home this morning, after Becca had left, they quickly decided they'd take turns getting some rest, knowing one of them needed to be with their daughter. Matt, knowing how exhausted his wife was, and how she had plans to go out around lunch time with Jemma, offered to watch Sofia first, Gabby more than thankful to be able to rest for a little bit.
While the morning had been relatively easy with his little girl, his exhaustion had almost gotten the better of him a few times, and by the time Gabby had emerged from the bedroom a little after eleven, it took less than a minute for Matt to go lie down. He had vaguely heard Gabby tell him she'd be taking Sofia out to lunch with her and Jemma, something she'd decided the second she saw how tired her husband was, Dawson wanting him to get all the sleep he could and not have to worry about waking back up before she left. Then the second his head hit the pillow, he was out, Matt sleeping like a rock up until about five minutes ago, the man still feeling a bit of lingering tiredness in his limbs as he moved around the kitchen.
After preparing his simple meal of a sandwich and some fruit, Matt began to make his way to the living room, a slight yawn escaping his lips while he walked, Casey soon coming to understand he might be going back to bed here after he ate.
Stopping in front of the couch, Matt placed his plate down on the coffee table before he stretched his back and his arms, his muscles tight from being in the same position for an extended period of time. While working out the kinks in his body, Matt's eyes moved around the apartment, noticing that in her time in between waking up and leaving to go out, Gabby had cleaned up a bit of the mess Matt couldn't be bothered to deal with in his tired state, the husband making a mental note to thank her later as he rolled out his neck.
Just as he was about to sit down, a flash of white caught his eye, Matt immediately feeling that familiar sense of dread form in his gut when he looked at the letter that had seemed to be taunting him for days now, the envelope still sitting over on the desk just where he had left it the last time he tried to read it. Drawing in a deep breath, his conversation with Severide from the other night began playing over in his mind, the Captain feeling his feet moving towards the desk before he even registered his own actions, the sight of his name scrawled out on the paper becoming clearer as he moved across the room.
Before he gave himself a chance to hesitate, Matt roughly picked up the envelope, holding it tightly in his grasp as he walked back to the couch and sat down, Casey opening it quickly without a second thought.
He wasn't sure exactly what was waiting for him in this letter, he had no idea what to expect from what could've been Gabby's last words to him, but all he did know was that he couldn't keep putting it off. Despite how hesitant he was to read this, Matt knowing it wouldn't be easy to get through, he knew that the longer he waited, the harder it would be, on the both of them.
Pulling the folded paper from the envelope, Matt took a deep breath before slowly opening it, the husband seeing her words written out in front of him. Before he even started reading, he noticed a few smudged ink stains from what he could only assume to be her tears, Matt trying to prepare himself the best he could as he slowly started reading her goodbye to him.
Dear Matt,
Let me just start off by saying I'm sorry. If you're reading this right now, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm not there with you, and our baby… I'm not sure how long it's been- a week, a month, a few months… I don't know when Antonio would've given you this, if he waited a bit or gave it to you immediately, or how long it's taken you to read it… I don't know how long I've been gone, but I just need you to know how incredibly sorry I am that I'm not with you right now. I'd give anything, absolutely anything, to be with you and our beautiful baby girl. But I'm not, and I'm so sorry.
I know this is what you were scared of.. Why the beginning of this pregnancy was so hard on us. You were scared to lose me, and you weren't willing to risk it. You didn't want to risk losing me, and I guess this proves that you had every right to be afraid. You had every right to be as scared as you were, and I understand that. I do… But I also know that, regardless of what happened to me, you are so in love with our little girl. You are being the absolute best dad you can be for her, there isn't a doubt in my mind about that. Our daughter is the luckiest girl in the world to have you as her father… And I know you were worried about how you'd be as a dad, you were worried about how you'd feel if something happened to me, but let me tell you right now, I'm not worried one bit. Because, despite all the uncertainty around this pregnancy and what it means for me, there is one thing that I am absolutely certain of, and that is that you are more than enough for our daughter, Matt. You are more than enough. I never want you to doubt that. I just wish I could be there to tell you in person.
But I'm not, and that's okay. It's okay because you have our amazing little girl… I'm not sure if we ever got around to choosing a name, knowing us I'm sure we didn't, but regardless of that, I know she's the most beautiful little girl in the world. And I can only hope that I got the chance to meet her. That, before everything happened, I was able to see our girl at least once. Hopefully, we got that.. That we got the chance to be a family, together. Even just for a moment. But if not, if things didn't work out, then that's alright. Because we're still a family. We will always be a family, even though I'm not there. I hope you'll help make sure she knows that.
And I hope our little girl knows just how loved she is. Which, with you as her father, I know that won't be an issue. She's had you wrapped around her little finger for awhile now, and she's not even born yet. I know the second you'll meet her, she'll always know what it feels like to be loved… Just, when she's old enough to understand, please make sure she knows how much I love her, too… That I wish I could be with her, and be there to watch her grow up. I want her to know how sorry I am for not being able to be there for her, and that I would give anything for things to have been different… But I also want you to make sure she knows that I don't regret it, that this isn't her fault. I'll never regret bringing her into this world. I need you to make sure she knows that. I need you both to know that. I'll never regret the choices we made to keep her. Never. Even if it takes me from you.
I won't lie to you, baby… I'm scared. I can't pretend and say I'm not, because I am. I'm scared I'll miss it. That I won't be there to see our beautiful little girl grow up into an amazing young woman… That I won't be able to be there with you to experience that. That I'll miss out on the rest of our lives together… I'm terrified of that, of leaving you two, although I guess if you're reading this, that means it happened… But, like I said, I don't regret it, Matt. And I know you don't, either. Which is part of why I'm writing you this, because I don't want you to feel guilty… Nothing that happened to me is your fault. I don't want you to feel guilty, or wrong, for enjoying life with our daughter. Because that's all I want. If I can't be there, the only thing I want is for you two to have an amazing life. I want you and our daughter to be happy...
You have to be happy for her, Matt. I need you to be happy. And I don't know if you are right now, though I imagine being around our kid, it's hard not to be… But I need you to promise me you'll be happy. Promise me, right now, that you'll try. At some point, no matter how long it takes for you to move past this, that you'll be happy. That's all I want for you, Matt. That's all I've ever wanted, is to give you the life you dreamed of… The life I know you've wanted for the longest time. I'm just sorry I'm not there to live it with you, like we always planned. But it's okay. It is, because you have our baby girl, and I know right now that she's the most important person in your world. She would be whether I was there or not… That, I'm sure of. But I need you to do what I can't, I need you to show her love, and compassion, and happiness. I need you to show her just how incredible life can be, and be there for her the times when it isn't. I need you to show her enough for the both of us.
But I hope you'll never stop telling her about me… Maybe it's selfish of me to ask you to do that, I don't know, but I want her to know about us. I want her to know how happy we are, how much we love each other, how much we love her… I know it might sound stupid, but if you can tell her about me, and about us, maybe it'll feel like I can still be in your alls lives, even though I'm not able to physically be there… I know she'll never know me, she'll never know her mom. And I'm sure, down the line, they'll be someone else filling that role, being the mother for her that I didn't get the chance to be. Which is what I want for her. I do. When you find someone, I want our daughter to have a person she can turn to. A person she trusts, that she sees as her mom. I want her to have all of that, because she deserves to have a mom.
And I want you to have someone, too… Please don't be afraid to move on. I want that for you, and for our daughter. I want you both to have everything… Everything I'm not able to be there to give you. Just… try not to forget about me. And know I'll never forget about you.
I love you so much, Matthew Casey. I will always love you. Nothing can ever change that. You made me the happiest I've ever been, and there's not a day that goes by where I don't feel incredibly lucky to be your wife. Thank you for loving me, for being patient with me, for giving me the best years of my life… You are an incredible man, and you'll be an amazing father. Just know I'm watching over you, over the both of you… You'll always have me, baby.
I love you, Matt.
Take care of our girl.
- Gabby
He could barely make out the last few paragraphs through his blurred vision, Matt feeling a heavy pressure settling against his chest as tears continuously slid down his cheeks. He found it becoming harder to breathe, his silent cries quickly turning into sobs as the letter fell from his shaking hands, Matt trying his hardest to fight against his overwhelming emotions as her words continuously replayed in his head.
But it was a fight he lost.
Gabby spared a glance down to her sleeping baby nestled comfortably in her car seat, the mother doing what she could to move as quietly as possible as she slid the keys into the front door, hoping Sofia stayed asleep long enough to get her into her crib where she could finish her nap. Slowly turning the key in the lock, Gabby bit down on her tongue as she pushed the door open, stepping into their home slowly before closing the door behind them and locking it into place. Walking further inside, Gabby placed her purse down on the table by the front door before slowly moving through the entryway to their apartment, intent on heading for Sofia's nursery.
But her steps slowed when the living room came back into view, Gabby's eyebrows furrowing when she caught a glimpse of Matt sitting on the couch, his demeanor immediately worrying her as she saw him hunched over, his hands gripping his head. She could see how tense he was from here, Gabby quickly changing her course of direction, the wife beginning to move towards the couch.
"Matt?" She asked, but she got no answer, more worry flooding her body as she got closer, Gabby stopping beside the piece of furniture to carefully place Sofia's car seat down onto the ground, the baby thankfully staying sound asleep, Gabby keeping an eye on her for an extra second before returning her attention to her distraught husband. From a quick glance, she saw his uneaten lunch sitting in front of him, Matt seemingly unaware of her presence as his hands shook slightly. "...Matt?"
Her soft voice reached his ears the second time, Matt's head snapping up when he registered his name being called, Gabby's frown immediately deepening when she saw the state he was in. His eyes were red, his tear-stained cheeks causing a heavy feeling to settle in her gut as she looked at him.
She was desperate to know what was wrong, to know what had caused him to be in so much pain, Gabby opening her mouth to ask him what was going on, but she quickly slammed it shut when she caught sight of what was on the ground beside his feet. Seeing her letter laying there, Gabby quickly came to understand what was going on, her face softening before she took the last few steps towards her husband, Gabby drawing in a slow breath as she sat down next to him, Matt furiously wiping away the tears on his skin.
"I…" He tried, his voice hoarse before he cleared his throat, Gabby placing her hand on his back, tears filling her own eyes when she saw some still sitting in his, threatening to spill over. Slowly, Gabby lifted her free hand up towards his face, wiping away another tear that had just fallen. "I don't even know what to say." He spoke shakily, Gabby giving him a nod as she blinked back her own tears.
She understood exactly how he was feeling right now, because it's how she'd felt the moment she wrote him that letter, Gabby just hadn't been sure if this moment would ever come. She'd been wondering if he was ever going to read it. From the instant she gave it to him, she'd expected him to read it immediately, but he never did, and they hadn't really talked about it since, Gabby unsure of what to say to him until he knew what was in it. But even now, she still didn't feel like she knew what to tell him. These weren't pleasant memories for either of them. She hated reliving it, she hated thinking about the fact she almost lost everything, how she almost left behind the two people she never wanted to be without, and Gabby was sure he hated being reminded of it just as much as she did.
"I'm… I'm sorry." He eventually murmured, Gabby's eyebrows furrowing in confusion as they locked their teary gazes on one another. "I'm so sorry, baby."
"For what?" She questioned, a lone tear sliding down her cheek as she cupped his face in her hands, making him look at her, Matt drawing in a shaky breath before responding.
"I know how hard all of that was, the pregnancy and us being worried about Sofia's birth and everything… But seeing it all written down like that, everything you were feeling, what all you wanted for us… I could hardly think past the next day when all this was going on, I don't know how you were able to do that… How you had to think about how things would be without you there." His words were unsteady, Gabby swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat as she wiped away another tear that had fallen down his skin.
"I… It wasn't easy." She admitted, Gabby sniffling as she tried to gather her thoughts. "It was- it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do… To think about what your lives would look like after she was born, and me not being able to see it." She spoke, Matt's eyes falling closed as he lifted his hand up towards hers, cupping her wrist tightly. "But I wanted- I needed you to have that letter, if something happened to me." Gabby continued, Matt slowly opening his eyes to see more tears sliding down her cheeks. "I needed you to know it was okay, and that you two would be okay. And I know all of that, I wouldn't have had time to tell you when she was born, so I wrote it down… And I guess, I don't know, I figured maybe it would give you some comfort, too. That you'd always have that letter, that it was a physical thing you could hold onto, and look back on, whenever things got hard… I don't know, maybe it would've just hurt more than it helped, but I-"
Gabby was cut off by Matt slamming his lips into hers, the desperate action catching her off guard as she felt every emotion he was holding onto, his fresh tears hitting her skin as they moved together. His grip on her wrist tightened, both of them pouring every feeling they had into this moment, as the memories of some of the most difficult days of their lives came rushing back.
When they finally separated, neither of them moved very far from one another, Matt pressing his forehead against hers as they tried to steady their breathing, Gabby trying to compose herself as everything hit her all at once.
"You're okay." Matt breathed out after a few quiet moments, his voice adding to the sound of their heavy breaths in the otherwise silent room. She wasn't sure if he was saying those words for her benefit, or for his own, like he was reminding himself that she was okay, but regardless of the reason they comforted her just as much as they did him, Gabby clenching her eyes shut as he kept repeating himself over and over. "You're okay, you and Sofia are both fine… Both of you are alright."
Her breath caught in her throat, Matt opening his eyes to see his wife slowly crumbling in front of him, the husband acting on instinct as he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest as they huddled together on the couch, Matt pushing his own feelings aside as he did what he could to comfort the woman clutching onto him.
They knew this would never completely go away. That the feelings they had when remembering how much they went through- that she went through, to bring Sofia into this world, those would never disappear. But, with time, they'd be easier to deal with. That this crushing feeling would eventually become lighter. But until that happened, until they could look back on all of this and not be confronted with this feeling of hopelessness, they knew they had each other to help get them through this. They had each other, they had their daughter; and they knew they'd be fine.
Well, I hope you guys liked this one. Hopefully Gabby's letter didn't disappoint. I definitely cried a little bit while writing it.
I'm sorry this chapter was a little shorter than normal, but now that Matt's read the letter, that kind of kickstarts us into what actually is the next big part of this story. Everything the letter brought up and what they're feeling are going to play a big role in this story moving forward, and I'm excited to get there. I hope you all are interested, as well.
Thanks for all the positive notes you all left me on the last one, your continued support this long into the story means so much to me. Thank you all for continuing to read my work, and I can't wait to hear what you thought of this one.
Stay safe, everyone. I'll see you all next time.