John Munch brushed into the precint with a determined look on his face. He was on a mission. Today, he would get Olivia back. She had already spooked him with a spider, freaked him out with fake snot, and drugged him and somehow forced him the dress in a Superman reject costume. She was going to pay, she just had to. Nothing and no one could stop him. He slowed his sprint down to a lazy stroll as he entered the squadroom. He tried to hide his disappointment at Olivia not being at her desk. He sat down at his own, care to avoid the gaze his partner was giving him. Fin hadn't been too happy about his last scheme: his eyebrows were still coming back in. Elliot walked in then.
"Munch!" he exclaimed, half amused, half surprised. "You're just now getting here?"
"It would appear so, Professor Obvious..." John didn't have time to entain Elliot's childish teasings. He was on a mission and was determined to accomplish that mission. Elliot never picked up on John's sarcasm.
"Well, Liv's already been here, if you're wondering...oh, I see you've already sat down in your chair..." John's eyes widen as he leapt up.
"Why? What's wrong with it?" John was now turning around in circles, trying to find what was faulty about his chair. This is how Cragen found him.
"Munch!" Cragen barked. Fin barked back. Cragen paused momentarily. "Why are you twirling like a ballerina?"
"Uhh...I dunno, Cap..." Munch turned to him looking truly perplexed.
"Maybe Huang was right...maybe we should ship you off the the looney bin..." Cragen muttered.
"What?" John asked, who had resumed spinning.
"I said get to work!" Cragen retreated into his office and closed the door, but not before he pulled Huang out of the interior pocket of his trenchcoat.
MEANWHILE
Olivia was going to kill that partner of hers. He was supposed to be in court today, not her. But he made up some sorry-ass excuse about being allergic to Casey's perfume and she just had to fill in for him. He certainly wasn't allergic to her perfume last night as the three of them engaged in a steamy game of twister.
What was even worse was the judge was Donnelly and she was forced to dress according the the day's theme. Today was day-time soap operas. The good part was that everyone could wear what they normally would. The bad part was everything was severely exaggerated. The baliff walked to the front of the room.
"All rise, for the beautiful, intelligent, generous, humble,..." He went on describing Donnelly for awhile. "...honorable Judge Elizabeth Marie Antonette Benidict Arnold Swarzinagger Donnelly..." he concluded. For some reason, he had to draw out her name and this wasted an additional twelve minutes. Everyone applauded as Donnelly strolled in the room and gave a over dramatic glance around the room. Everyone finally settled down, opening statements were made, and Casey called her first witness.
"Mr. Anderson..." Casey thundered in a booming voice, " Where... were... you... on... the... night... of... May... 23?" For some reason, Casey had began drawling with an accent not unlike her boss's. It took her two minutes to ask what should have taken thirty seconds. Olivia sighed in frustration.
"Well," Olivia could already tell he was going to be awhile, " first I opened my eyes, then I looked around, then I blinked, then I looked around some more, then I got up, then I looked around again..." Olivia yawned. "...then I took a step, then I blinked again, then I saw my cousin Arthur, then I thought I should wave to him, then I did wave to him, then he waved to me..." Olivia glanced at her watch. "...then I walked to him, then he walked to me..."
"Wait a minute..." Casey interuppted. Olivia could have kissed her then, the man was wearing down her nerves. "How did he walk to you, if you already walked to him?" Olivia groaned aloud. Everyone looked at her. She mumbled something she hoped sounded like an apology.
"Hmm, I guess that is kinda hard to do...I know, I walked toward him, and then he smiled at me, then I smiled back, then we said hello, then we talked about the gators...oh! I just have to tell ya'll about the gators! Well, first, it was summer, and it was hot. It was morning. It was hot. I woke up. It was hot. I looked around. It was hot. I got up. It was hot. I got some lemonade. It was hot. I went outside. It was hot. I went back inside. It was hot. I looked out the window. It was hot. I went back outside. It was hot. I saw a gator. It was hot..."
Olivia couldn't take it anymore. She leaped up from where she was sitting, jumped over several people who doing the cha-cha in the middle if the aisle, leap-frogged over the gate, and marched right up to the witness. He was still droning on, Casey was still flirting with opposing consuel, and the jury were strangling each other. Olivia suddenly understood why her partner always beat up suspects: these people were so damn annoying. She pulled Mr. Anderson up by his leather jacket and slapped him several times. Each time she slapped him, he said "...and then, it was hot..." Dissatisfied, Olivia tossed him into the air and punted him across the courtroom. He landed near the jury box, got up, and ran back toward her, still recanting his story. This time, she crunched him into a ball and tossed him higher into the air. She procured a baseball bat Casey's briefcase. She gave a grin as the bat made a heavenly SMACK! against the human baseball and he went sailing out the window, still screaming "...it was hot!..." Olivia looked around. The only fazed by this was Donnelly, who was now on her feet, appalauding Olivia. Olivia smiled and returned to her seat. She glanced at her watch as Donnelly told Casey to call her next witness. Casey called a Mrs. Anderson, who looked oddily like the last witness, and this one began to tell her story, ending every sentence with "ya dig?" Olivia pulled a golf club out of her pocket when she felt a violent shove. "Olivia?"
"Olivia?" Olivia looked around. She blinked and realized she had only imagined getting rid of Mr. Anderson. Casey had just called her to the stand. Feeling foolish and turning strawberry red, she made her way to the front of the courtroom. Casey opened her mouth to ask her her first question when the door swung open. Smoke flowed into the room and colorful lights illuminated the hall. A host of FBI agents filled the room and Alexandra Cabot stalked in room. She walked right up to Casey and announced she was taking over the case and Casey was more than welcome to sit second chair. Casey objected, but Donnelly told Alex that was fine by her. Casey said she didn't have the power to do that, but Donnelly threatened to hold her in contempt. Casey pouted and sank down in the chair as Donnelly announced she was changing the day's theme. It was now hip hop. Everyone nodded their heads as one of the jury members pulled out a turntable and put on a high tempo record.
"Yo, yo, check it, check it
Yo Benson, where were you on May 23
Out on the street, delivering the word?
There was a murder, had ya heard?
Were ya too busy hangin' wit nerds?
Did ya do it? Was is you?
You know what, you ain't got a clue
Probably too busy messin' wit old dude
While da murdera do what he do
Why arrest him
Did ya detest him
Why suggest him
While I protest him..."
Olivia looked at Alex in shock. First of all, she had no idea what she was saying, second, she wasn't on beat, third...it was Alex! When had she gotten out of WTP? Now that she thought about, she had heard rumors that Alex was back as a lawyer somewhere and had been promoted to Bureau Chief. She hadn't believed it, but apparently it was true.
"...uhh, yes?" Olivia hoped that was the right answer. It apparently was for Alex's face relaxed and she smiled.
"I have no further questions..." Alex retreated to her seat by Casey, who was still fuming. Opposing consuel jumped up and marched toward Olivia. The defendent, a short, young woman of twenty or so, and accused of beating her husband into oblivion because he broke his arm bungee jumping off the roof of his Hummer, also stood. She and opposing consuel started in a high tone.
"Oh my God! Becky! Look at her gun!..."
"I like police women and I can't deny
You other fellas gotta reply
When they walk in,
Wit they sheilds on
Hancuffs at their side
You start guessin'
They'll be arrestin'
Your sorry ass better not run
Cause they'll catch you
And beat you
Might get ya wit a taser gun
So if ya see em on the street
Just go with the beat
Get on your knees and assume..."
"The position!"
"Yea"
"Position!"
Wha?
"Position!"
"That's what I said
Cause they'll beat you
And cheat you
And then you're tricked to confess
Stripped of all your happiness
You are left in detress
To avoid that arrest..."
"Objection!" Casey screamed as she leaped up. She pointed an accusatory finger at the consueler and shouted, "He's badgering the witness!
I don't get this
Not something you could miss
Slandering the Miss
Benson, doing her work
Using her gun to assert
Her point so she don't get hurt
End up six feet under dirt..."
Olivia thought she was going crazy. She leapt out of the witness box and out the courtroom. She ran blindly down the hallways, through the lobby, and into the rainy Monday morning.
A/N: First off, I don't own the characters nor the beat to the "Big Butt" song (the artist's name has just left my mind). Mr. and Mrs. Anderson are partially mine, but are kinda slightly based off of Keanu Reeves character in The Matrix. Second, I have to thank all my faithful "Rainy Mondays" series reviewers. You guys are the best! Lastly, for some reason unknown even to myself, I cannot rap to save my life, but I sure can write them.