(i)
Four days left, Harry thought hopelessly. Four days left.
Hermione and Cedric were poring over books, had been for hours. The words on Harry's swirled and squiggled, and he couldn't make much sense of them. Cedric came in and out of the library, occasionally discussing charms with Hermione, who had much more intelligent answers than Harry, and gently stroking the back of Harry's crooked neck.
"We'll find something," they both kept on saying. Their voices had been soothing and confident at the beginning of the week, but now they, too, seemed to be edging into panic.
Harry read desperately, his eyes flickering over diagrams of wizards who'd transfigured their bald spots into silk top hats, of wizards who'd transfigured themselves into witches, of wizards who'd turned their ears into fish. Fish had seemed helpful and Harry had read through pages and pages of confusing text, until he realised that the fish were purely for decoration.
"What's the point of this book?" he asked Cedric, who was standing behind him, as he anxiously pushed the hair of his forehead.
"Turn to page 520," Cedric said, and Harry stared at the page, trying to conceal his shock.
"That's a great book, that one," Cedric said. Harry stared at the small drawing. It showed what had to be a penis, moving into an arse and drawing outside again.
"It's a potion for making lube," Cedric said, so softly that Hermione couldn't hear.
Harry couldn't take his eyes off the motion of the penis. His mouth was dry. The sketch was very small; it seemed to be purely decorative. It would be easy to glance at the page with its large Gothic script and not notice the tiny design, as its sketchy penis shuddered in perpetual motion in an inky corner.
"It's…" he began, but didn't know how to finish the sentence.
"Very entertaining, but it won't help us with the task," Cedric said and pulled the book from Harry's hands.
Harry wearily grabbed another tomb from the pile. Cedric smiled at him quickly and began reading again. Harry watched him through his eyelashes. He couldn't figure out if the drawing turned him on or not. It fascinated him, but he wasn't sure if the fascination was lust or disgust or just curiosity. It was very hard to concentrate on breathing abilities of moray eels.
(ii)
Harry went to bed at three, but despite his eyes being so fuzzy from reading that he couldn't see, he wasn't able to sleep. He couldn't stop seeing the tiny sketch from the page of the book. It flickered at the back of his mind, mixed in with moray eels and merefolk.
It was the like the questions he'd been asking himself over and over. Am I gay? he thought to himself in the dark, looking at Ron's dark hangings. Am I gay? he wondered as he stared at pages in front of him in class. The words sent a cold note of fear through him. It wasn't like the panic the thought of the tournament gave him. It was a panic caused by the looks Ron wouldn't give him, and by the way Uncle Venron used to hiss the word "faggot" at actors he didn't like.
Harry hid his head under the pillow. He didn't want to think about Uncle Vernon, his brain was already too full of nightmares about drowning, and his endless questions. He just wanted it all to go away. And yet, he was sure, in a state like this, he'd just embarrass himself with another dream about his Uncle and Aunt Marge.
He just wanted it all to go away. He thought about himself before Christmas, untroubled by the egg and best friends with Ron. He tried to bring up an image of Cedric, something comforting; something to take his mind of things. But Cedric, really, was the root of all his problems, Harry decided.
He dreamt about being attacked by parchment penises, when he eventually managed to sleep.
(iii)
He jerked awake half-way through transfiguration, with the desperate realisation that there were only three days left suddenly fresh in his mind. He couldn't even begin to concentrate on the lesson, but sat rigid, in a state of panic. Ron (Professor McGonagall evidently hadn't let him change seats) gave him an odd, even apprehensive, look.
Harry barely noticed. He dashed from the class, forgetting to take his essay from Professor McGonagall before leaving. He still desperately hoped the library would be his salvation, and calmed down a little when he saw its doors. The books never seemed to give him any answers, but at least he felt like he was doing something.
The library smelt comfortingly musty. He walked to the small table by the window, and saw Cedric, half-obscured by a bookcase.
"Harry!" Cedric said, looking at him, and sounding unnecessarily delighted.
"'Lo," Harry said tiredly.
"You okay?" Cedric asked, peering distractedly down at his book again. Harry noticed how exhausted he looked, and suddenly didn't want to have to worry about him, too.
"No," Harry said.
"The task?" Cedric said, knowingly. "Harry, I'm sure we'll work it out."
"No," said Harry, "it's not the task."
"What then?" Cedric wasn't looking at him. Harry wished he would.
"I can't …" Harry said.
Cedric looked up, his finger keeping his place on the book. "Can't what?"
"I don't want to be a f-," Harry choked. He didn't want to say the word, and be like Uncle Vernon. "I don't want to be gay," he amended.
Cedric sighed. "You can't help it, if you are."
"But-" Harry stared at the books. His fearful feelings were so thick within him that he felt like he might choke upon them. He didn't know what would happen if he tried to voice his thoughts. It didn't seem safe to experiment.
"I have to go," Harry managed to say. "See you later."
"Wait!" Cedric said, standing up, and following Harry out of the library. It was lunchtime and students seemed to be milling around everywhere. Harry ducked into a group of Ravenclaws, but Cedric forced his way through and caught up with him.
"What's wrong?" Cedric said, when he'd cornered Harry in what passed for a secluded spot.
"I don't know," Harry said.
"I have to study," Cedric said, looking evasive.
"So study!" Harry shouted.
"Tell me what's wrong," Cedric said.
Harry shook his head. "I don't know. Go away, Cedric!"
"Why should I?" Cedric said. "I'm worried."
"Because you're messing everything up! Because I'm loosing Ron! Because nothing makes sense anymore!"
Cedric turned his head, but Harry caught a glimpse of his expression anyway. It hurt like a knife through the kidneys.
Harry's eyes were pricking with tears. He was just as frightened as before. His hands shook.
When he turned back around the corner, into the swell of people, he'd never wanted to see Hermione less, but there she was in front of him.
"Harry!" she said. She looked startled.
"What?" he said dully.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes!" he said. "Of course I'm okay. Just waiting to drown, that's all."
She shook her head, trying to force a hearty expression onto her face. "We'll go and research, then. Don't worry, Harry."
(iv)
The next few days passed in a blur of worry and loneliness. Harry couldn't help hoping Cedric would come over and offer his advice, but he never did. He never even seemed to come into the library any longer. Harry though he must have to come in some time, to get books, and must be avoiding him. That made Harry's hands begin to quiver again. He thought if he did see Cedric once more, his resolve would slip, and he'd beg for forgiveness.
But Cedric kept he head turned away if they saw each other in the great hall, and he always seemed to be surrounded by girls, his expression unreadable.
I'm so stupid, Harry thought as he pored through book after book, looking desperately for something, anything. He felt sudden rushes of hope when he saw a spell that seemed likely. He'd even imagine telling Cedric that he'd found out. But then Hermione would explain that this was no good, wouldn't help, and he'd feel even more desperate than before.
Even Ron made an appearance in the library, pulling out books at random and looking nervously at Harry. Harry's head had become too full of worry to even wonder why.
Ron pulled him aside at one point, "Listen, Harry…" he said at one point, but then stopped.
"What?" Harry asked, unable to concentrate.
"You look awful, mate," Ron said, with a nervous shout of laughter.
"That's what not sleeping does," Harry said, reaching for another book.
"Your bloke keeping you up at night?" Ron said, his voice unnaturally high.
"No," Harry said, "He isn't."
That was the last they said to each other before Hermione and Ron were both pulled away on a mysterious mission by Fred and George.
Harry stayed, frantically staring at books, until he could no longer stay awake.
(v)
The gillyweed, Dobby's face staring earnestly into his own, and blind panic, that was all Harry could remember of the morning, later on, with any real clarity.
He found himself standing by the freezing cold lakeside, seeing Cedric properly for the first time. Cedric gave him a glance of intense worry before looking back towards the lake. Harry noticed Cedric's fingernails were bitten down almost to the quick, and the flesh around them bulged gorily.
Then they were in the lake, and Harry no longer had even time to think, but had only cold water and an image of Dobby's face, earnestly advising him.
Cedric's hands were his last thought before he plunged.
(vi)
Cedric was blue with cold as they bobbed together at the bottom of the lake, surrounded by merefolk. Harry still felt at home in the water, but Cedric looked merely blue and nervous.
He tried to say something to Harry, but his words got caught within in his bubble.
Harry shrugged, and watched as he swam, bluely, towards Cho.
Cedric gestured desperately, urging him to follow, but Harry shook his head, pointing to Hermione, who looked ghostly in the half-light.
Cedric swam away reluctantly, offering him a half-smile. Its presence in Cedric's blue face made him feel a little better.
(v)
Ron gave him a funny look as they treaded icy water, side by side.
"Why are you saving me, not lover boy?"
Harry shrugged, not a mean feet when immersed in water. "Because he's already a champion."
They towed Fleur's sister between them. Ron called him an idiot and smiled.
A/n : I'm sorry this is short. I'm working on another instalment as we speak, if that's any consolation. This chapter was the hardest to write, as it was almost impossible to do so without messing with canon a little. I tried to slide between the lines, but I'm not quite sure it worked. I hope you lot think it's okay! Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews, they keep me writing, and I love to hear your opinions.