A/N
This particular one-shot features Miroku and his perspective on Sango and Inuyasha's relationship. Implied InuSan and MirKag, unrequited on Miroku's part. Enjoy.
Warning: Implied character deaths and alternate pairings straight ahead...don't hurt me (dodges rocks)!
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha characters. I do not make any profit from this. I'm simply using them for my own sick and twisted purposes.
'thought'
flashbacks or dream sequence
Selfish
By: Youkai Hime90
Miroku wasn't blind.
He was a man of God, a man of righteousness; despite his wandering hand the priest possessed wisdom far beyond his years. However, that did not make him immune to the green eyed monster that lurked behind his eyes.
After all he was only human.
Miroku sat back to watch them as they sparred against one another. Strangely enough, it was becoming an everyday occurrence. Training they'd say as they walked off, Inuyasha merely offering him a grunt.
They moved in perfect unison Miroku noticed, with the ease that familiarity brought. A twist here, a turn there, a brush here and a brush there. To the monk their fight from the sidelines seemed far more intimate then he would've liked. Sango easily parried Inuyasha's attack and flipped over him, gracefully landing on her feet. This proved to anger an already disgruntled hanyou who had up to this point believed to have possessed the upper hand. He knew that his abilities were far below them, and he was able to accept this.
Miroku returned his attention to Sango once more, straining his neck to watch her, worship her, as she dodged a well aimed swipe of a claw. Her cheeks were flushed an attractive pink as she continued to evade Inuyasha's advances. Miroku leaned forward and made a move to get up as the fight grew more intense and the beautiful taijiya barely managed to dodge a jab, stumbling to the ground in a disgraceful heap.
Then, something caught his eye.
No…
For just a moment he could've sworn he'd saw something…
He couldn't quite put his finger on it…
Then, he saw it again.
The houshi sat up straight and watched.
And watched.
And even when the fight had ended and the participants ran towards Kagome with the promise of ramen, Miroku had come to a conclusion.
As the soft, warm golden rays of light waned and the priest remained frozen, the images still replayed in his mind like a broken record. The genuine happiness, jubilation in Sango's, his Sango's eyes as she backed away from an advancing hanyou was burned into Miroku's mind, and the sound of their shared, carefree laughter piercing the air. Despite himself, Miroku's blue eyes glowered with an intensity unlike anyone had ever seen as he glanced away, nostrils flaring as he breathed heavily.
"Miroku?"
And just like that, the dark look in his eyes was gone. He grinned ear to ear when he met the eyes of none other than Kagome.
"Yes, Kagome-sama?"
She stared at him concernedly, "Is something wrong?"
It was then that the monk realized everyone was staring at him.
"No, no I'm alright. Don't worry yourself over me," he replied.
The rich sound of his forced laughter unnerved the miko to no end.
"Miroku?"
The monk slowly turned to face Kagome, whose eyes were puffy and red from crying.
"Yes?"
She latched onto him as if he were her lifeline, and without him she would drown.
After eternities of drowning in his beautiful blue eyes she whispered to him in such a desperate, trembling voice he was amazed, "Could you…could you stay with me…just a little while longer?"
He sat back down, still staring at her. He smiled that same boyishly charming smile.
"Ofcourse."
He held her in his arms. Maybe it was because he was weak or it was simply because he had wanted to feel needed but in that moment in time he liked the way she felt in his arms. Delicate. Fragile. Small and trembling. Someone who needed him.
In the end they were both selfish.
The lone figure got up silently from the grassy patch and headed for the village, specifically for Kaede's. Her tread was slow and weary, shoulders bowed.
Kagome crouched near Inuyasha, and handed him a bowl of ramen. The hanyou's golden eyes gleamed and he licked his lips as he grabbed it away from her, taking a long whiff.
"Beef?"
"Yep, you're favorite," quipped Kagome cheerfully.
Inuyasha took another long whiff, his eyes practically rolling into the back of his head in euphoria. He sniffed it once more before taking the chopstick clamped noodles to his lips and chewing. It seemed that Kagome was holding her breath the entire time, as if waiting for his approval. He nodded at her before taking another chopstickful into his mouth.
Sango broke into a fit of giggles causing Miroku to stare at her curiously. She was normally so shy, so quiet it still was unusual to see her laugh so freely even after the recent display. And when his eyes met hers she quickly looked away, overwhelmed by their intensity.
Miroku decided he didn't like that, especially when they came to rest upon Inuyasha instead.
She stroked Kirara's head with one hand and motioned to the half demon's bottom lip with the other. Kagome and Shippo burst into laughter as well and the hanyou begrudgingly wiped the noodle off his lip roughly, glaring daggers at her the entire time.
"Feh! You're almost as bad as her," he grumbled before disappearing in the canopy of a nearby tree. He occasionally threw heated glances at Sango even moments later, when she became deeply involved in conversation with the miko who gestured wildly as she spoke passionately about the importance of a razor. Sango listened silently, apparently fascinated.
As the fire crackled, casting dark shadows on all of the members sitting around it Inuyasha's glare gradually softened into a genuine look of affection. Shippo wrestled with the small fire-cat youkai snorting with laughter as they played, Kirara mewing happily.
In the midst of it all Mirkou merely sat quietly, still as stone.
He saw again, in his mind's eye, the sparkle in Sango's eyes, the faint grin she had as he fought, mirroring Inuyasha's. The playful way the lovely huntress had teased Inuyasha affectionately as he'd idly rubbed his bruised cheek, and the easy laughter they had shared at the end as they headed off, their strides in sync.
He compared it to Sango's guarded and dispassionate look each time he was around her, her disapproving frown and the almost invisible pain in her eyes that he pretended wasn't there. The awkward silences he pretended didn't exist, the unseen tensions that he tried unsuccessfully to break with forced laughter and a grope here and there. Most of all the teary eyed doe gaze when he once again broke her heart again and again.
His heart clenched painfully in his chest and Miroku slowly stood up and pulled out his sleeping bag and without saying a word to the others began to walk away from the merry little camp fire, all the while being watched by Kagome.
She frowned, genuine concern shining brightly in her eyes as she stared after him.
Miroku settled a ways off near the campfire, staring at the stars as he rested on his back.
"Hey," Kagome said, crouching next to him. He was clearly startled out of his thoughts at the sudden appearance of his friend. Her head was tilted with a smile. "Mr. Lone Ranger. Why out here?"
"I thought you were asleep."
Her smile widened. "Shows you how much you really know me," she stated matter of factly.
His lips barely quirked into the beginnings of a smile. "I suppose you're right."
It was eerily quiet then. As if she could read his mind, as if she could erase his memory of their shared laughter and melt away all of his fears of losing her to him she told him exactly what he wanted to hear.
"You know…" Kagome began quietly, "she loves you too."
Miroku turned onto his side. "I know." He did not deny it.
'But not the way I want her to...'
That night he dreamed of honey suckle and warm brown eyes.
He had gotten so good at pretending, he had managed to fool himself all the while. The lies he had kept repeating to herself, the wall of denial that he had built, had all finally come crumbling down.
After all he was only human, and as he sat there head bowed in shame Miroku made no move to run after her. Gingerly, he rubbed his cheek and when Kagome ran to his side he remained silent.
Her eyes were desperate. "What happened Miroku?"
He saw again, in his mind's eye, the sparkle in Sango's eyes, the faint grin she had as he fought, mirroring Inuyasha's. The playful way the lovely huntress had teased Inuyasha affectionately as he'd idly rubbed his bruised cheek, and the easy laughter they had shared at the end as they headed off, their strides in sync.
She would never love him, Miroku realized. She cared about him, but not in the way he wanted it. As a teammate, as a friend, but not as a lover, not as someone she could share her soul with.
And Miroku had come to the conclusion that he had finally lost.
It was only human nature to be selfish after all and he had wanted her to love him so much and recuperate his feelings that he would've done anything. He wanted to keep her for himself and he had come to her desperate and pleading because in the end he was a weak and selfish man.
They were simple words that were so difficult to say and, the feelings behind them so complex, that the statement didn't do them justice. To put how he felt into words was impossible.
He leaned forward with all intent on claiming those lips that had haunted him in his dreams…
"I-I can't love you Houshi-sama!"
"I told her," he said simply, and he walked away.
Kagome watched Miroku silently. Grave soil dirtied his fingers and all she could do was look away from the man who was still mourning their companion's death, even after two years. She placed a bouquet of wild flowers on the hanyou's grave, the one who had saved her time and time again.
"Miroku," she whispered, smiling gently. "We should get going, it's getting late."
Idly he stood up and as if in a daze he made a move to make sure the prayer beads were still there. His hand trembled and Kagome's soft lulling voice called him back to reality.
"Don't you remember Miroku? Kazanna is gone."
His clouded blue eyes met hers.
"We defeated Naraku two years ago."
Hand in hand they walked back to the village.
He came to her that night, just as he always did. Desperate. Hungry. Needy. And she had given in to him, just as she always did.
Her face and hair were dark, held in shadows as the dying moonlight glistened on her skin. Her inky hair was fanned against the pillow as she thrashed when his dark teeth scraped her skin.
"You're so beautiful," he whispered, as her body arched in pleasure. Miroku told her everything she wanted to hear and she fell in love with him all over again. He took her for all she was worth, pinning her hands above her head as perspiration dotted his brow, their moans of pleasure filling the air. When he collapsed on top of her, sweaty and panting her heart shattered when he ushered not her name but another's.
"Sango…"
A single glistening tear went unnoticed as the light waned and a door was closed.