HAMLET FOR MORONS

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)

ACT I, SCENE 2

{Enter King Claudius, Queen Gertrude, Hamlet, and a bunch of royal groupies}

KING: Okay, so even though my dear, dear brother just died not too long ago, and I miss him terribly, it's time to get over it. That's why I married his wife. We'll, like, comfort each other and stuff. I wanna thank you guys for not making a big deal out of it like SOME people who shall remain nameless. {glares at Hamlet} Now, about that pain in the ass Fortinbras, you all know that he thinks he's so great just because he has god-like powers - wait a minute, no he doesn't! Well, anyway, he thinks we're over here running around like chickens with our heads cut off just because the real king - er, I mean the first - no, wait, I mean the King - well, hell, you know what I mean! - is dead. The little sissy-boy thinks he can take his dead dad's land - which my brother inherited, fair and square! - back, so we're gonna tattle on him to his old, sick, - and probably senile - uncle. Cornelius, Voltemand, take this letter to Fortinbras's uncle, and hurry! Chop-chop! Get a move on!

CORNELIUS & VOLTEMAND: We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

KING: Damn right. So, what's up with you, Laertes? You had something you wanted to ask me? Go ahead boy, you know your dad, Polonius, is my favorite minion. I'll be happy to give you whatever you want. Within reason, of course. I mean, I can't give you anything like, oh, I don't know, say like a fortune-telling duck or anything like that . . . So? Laertes? Hello? Anyone home?

LAERTES: Huh? Oh, is it someone else's turn to talk now?

KING: What's that supposed to mean?

LAERTES: Well, you are kind of in love with the sound of your own voice.

KING: Well, I'm the king, so bite me. What the hell do you want?

LAERTES: I wanna go back to France. It sucks here.

KING: Well, if it's okay with your dad, it's okay with me.

POLONIUS: Are you kidding? I've been trying to get rid of the little brat since he set foot in the front door, but he wouldn't go! He wanted to be the first to break the pinata at your coronation, then he just sat around on the couch eating candy and playing something called "Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell". He's been a royal pain in the ass, without the royal part!

KING: So, that means . . . ?

POLONIUS: For the love of cheese, let him go back to France!

KING: Okie-dokie! Done, and good riddance! Now, Hamlet, my son, old-buddy-old-pal -

HAMLET: You're not my daddy! I don't even like you!

KING: What the hell's your problem?

HAMLET: Gee, I wonder.

QUEEN: Aw, geez, Hamlet, are you still upset over your dad? Everyone dies.

HAMLET: Duh.

QUEEN: So when are you gonna get over it? Everyone else has.

HAMLET: Yeah, well, I guess I was the only one who really loved Dad, wasn't I?

KING: Uh, gee Hamlet, it's really sweet that you miss your daddy and all, but you really need to get over it and quit being a little sissy-boy. People are starting to talk, you know. Everybody's lost someone, ya know, so what makes you so special? {sings} There is a season, turn, turn, turn. To everything, turn, turn, turn.

QUEEN: I'm gonna kill whoever gave him that Karoake machine at our wedding.

KING: Anyway, I'm your daddy now. Get used to it. So, about you going back to school in Wittenberg, I think I'd rather have you around here where I can keep an eye on you - I mean, er, where I can hug you and pet you and squeeze you and call you George! I would, um, miss you if you went away. Yeah, yeah, because I love you like a son, yeah, that's it!

QUEEN: Yes, stay here where there's absolutely, positively no chance anything bad will happen to you!

HAMLET: Fine, whatever.

KING: Oh, stop, your enthusiasm is overwhelming.

QUEEN: You know, you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?

HAMLET: I'm surrounded by idiots.

KING: Quick, my little sugar mouse, let's get out of here before he changes his mind!

{exit all but Hamlet}

HAMLET: I can't believe she married that moron only a month after my wonderful, wonderful, bestest guy in the whole world dad died! Oh, I wish I were dead! I wish, I wish, I wish! Where the hell is that evil genie when you need him?!

EVIL GENIE: Leave me alone! I'm busy trying to find a fortune-telling duck for that idiot friend of yours.

HAMLET: Oh. Have you checked the fortune-telling duck store? It's on Diagon Ally.

EVIL GENIE: Thanks, I'll check. {exits}

HAMLET: Well, that was weird. {spreads his arms and looks to the heavens} Well, how about you? C'mon, give me your best shot! Throw a lightning-bolt my way! Let's see what ya got!

{enter Horatio, Marcellus, and Bernardo}

HORATIO: Oh, crap, he's trying to incur the wrath of God again.

HAMLET: Eek! Don't sneak up on a guy like that! First that evil genie pops up out of nowhere, then you sneak up on me; it's enough to give a guy a heart attack! Hey, that's not a bad idea. Hey, Horatio, could you go hide behind one of these pillars, then jump out when I walk by, maybe yell "BOO!"?

HORATIO: Uh, yeah, I'll get right on that. Listen, we've got something to tell you. You might not like it.

HAMLET: I'm suicidal. I don't really like anything at this point.

MARCELLUS: Not even whiskers on kittens?

BERNARDO: Or Sara Lee? Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee.

HAMLET: And people think I'M the crazy one?

HORATIO: {clears throat} Uh, getting back to what I was about to say, we saw the king last night.

HAMLET: So? I saw him today. He just left here. With my mom. Bastard.

HORATIO: No, no! The OTHER king!

HAMLET: Stephen King?

HORATIO: No!

HAMLET: Larry King?

HORATIO: No!

HAMLET: Elvis?

HORATIO: No, no, no! Your father the king!

HAMLET: Daddy? Where? {grabs Horatio and shakes him} Tell me! Tell me, dammit!

HORATIO: Okay, okay, geez, did someone forget his Ritalin today? Marcellus and Bernardo here have been seeing your dad for the last couple of nights, so I sat with them last night, expecting to laugh at them. You know, cuz I don't believe in ghosts? Well, boy was I wrong! I mean, there we were, just sitting around, drinking Everclear and eating orange Pixie-Stix, when all of a sudden this ghost shows up, the ghost of your dad!

HAMLET: Did you talk to it? What did you say? What did it say?

HORATIO: Uh . . . yeah . . . well . . . I was polite and respectful and everything, but for some reason the ghost didn't want to talk. Pretty rude, if you ask me.

HAMLET: Huh. Well, how'd he look?

HORATIO: For a guy who's been in the ground almost two months, not too bad.

HAMLET: Okay, well, I'll watch with you guys tonight. Cool with you?

ALL: You're the prince.

HAMLET: Yes. Yes, I am. {exit all but Hamlet} My father's ghost. This can't be good.