A/N: Sorry I took so long to get this chapter posted. It was actually finished weeks ago, but I recently started working third-shift, full-time, so I've had a little trouble finding time to get out to the library's computers to post. I guess that's what happens when midnight is your noon. Anyway, don't worry, this sucker WILL get finished and posted, one way or another! ;-)

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HAMLET FOR MORONS

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)

ACT I, SCENE 3

{enter Laertes and Ophelia, his sister}

LAERTES: Okay, I'm leaving now! Don't forget to write to me!

OPHELIA: Yeah, yeah, I'll email you every day. I already told you I would.

LAERTES: Yeah, well, I thought you might forget, what with you having the hots for Hamlet and all.

OPHELIA: I do not!

LAERTES: Ophelia has a boyfriend! Ophelia has a boyfriend!

OPHELIA: Oh, shut up.

LAERTES: Not before I impart some brotherly advice to you, okay? Men are pigs. All of us. Every single one of us. Hamlet just wants to get into your bloomers.

OPHELIA: Really? I never figured him for a cross-dresser.

LAERTES: Um, yeah, not quite what I meant. Listen, there's no nice way to say this. Hamlet's not really interested in you. He's slumming. And you know that men can get away with being sluts and women can't.

OPHELIA: Double standards suck.

LAERTES: Well, yeah, for women.

OPHELIA: Hey, if you're gonna lay this line of crap on me, then the same applies to you, okay? Don't be a hypocrite.

{enter Polonius}

LAERTES: Oh, crap, I was hoping to get out of here before Dad decided to impart more fatherly wisdom. Hi, Dad! Bye, Dad!

POLONIUS: Are you still here? Oh, well, I might as well impart more fatherly wisdom to you before you go.

LAERTES: Yay.

POLONIUS: Um, let's see here . . . If you can't say sumthin nice, don't say nuthin at all . . . Don't be a dick . . . Uh, make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold . . . Don't be a little sissy-boy, but don't be a raging violent barbarian . . . Don't be a show-off, don't be a dick, to thine own self be true - I think I read that somewhere; it's catchy, no? - did I mention, don't be a dick?

LAERTES: Several times. Can I go now?

POLONIUS: Not yet. One more thing. Whatever you do, don't push the little red button. Okay, now you can go.

LAERTES: If you say so. Remember what I said, Ophelia! {exits}

POLONIUS: What did your brother tell you this time? Is this like the time he told you your doll was possessed by the soul of a dead serial killer and we had to shoot the damn thing through the heart and set fire to it and beat on it with a fireplace poker before we could get any sleep?

OPHELIA: No, no, no! Nothing like that. It was about Hamlet.

POLONIUS: Oh, crap. I think I prefer the killer doll. Listen, about Hamlet, people are starting to talk. So, c'mon girlfriend, let's dish. What's up with the two of you?

OPHELIA: Um, he said I have a purty mouth.

POLONIUS: Don't believe a word he says! How naive are you? Men are pigs! All of us! I don't want you to have any more alone time with Hamlet! What, you think I want a bunch of little Hamlets running around here? Can you imagine how mentally unbalanced your children would be? You think I wanna wake up some night to find little Hammie Jr. wearing one of your dresses and swinging off the chandelier?

OPHELIA: Um, no?

POLONIUS: Damn straight.

OPHELIA: But he's been a perfect gentleman!

POLONIUS: Well, yeah, we're ALL perfect gentlemen until we get what we're after! Geez, Ophelia, you oughtta know that by now. There's a double standard at play here -

OPHELIA: Actually, Laertes already covered most of this.

POLONIUS: Really? Then what the hell was the point of this conversation?

OPHELIA: Beats me.

POLONIUS: Okay, well, just stay away from that little horn-dog Hamlet!

OPHELIA: Sure, right, whatever.