HAMLET FOR MORONS

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)

ACT I, SCENE IV

{enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus}

HAMLET: Damn, it's cold out here.

HORATIO: Yeah, well, this ain't Miami Beach, ya know.

HAMLET: Bite me. What time is it?

HORATIO: I dunno. Almost midnight?

MARCELLUS: Nope, it's past midnight.

HORATIO: No kidding? Well, the ghost should be showing up any time now, huh?

{a bunch of noise, trumpets and such, from the castle}

HORATIO: What the hell is all that about?

HAMLET: Oh, the king is having another drinking contest.

HORATIO: He does that a lot?

HAMLET: Yeah. He thinks he's so great, but all the other nations laugh and call us drunks.

HORATIO: And they won't let you join in any reindeer games?

HAMLET: I keep finding fliers for the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous under my horse's saddle.

{enter Ghost}

HORATIO: Gh-gh-gh-gho-gho-gho-gho-ghost!

HAMLET: Holy crap! Daddy! It's you! It's really you!

{ghost makes "come on" gestures}

HORATIO: I think it wants you to go with it.

HAMLET: Gee, did ya figure that one out all by yourself?

MARCELLUS: Well, you can't go with it, of course.

HORATIO: No, absolutely not.

HAMLET: Why not?

HORATIO: Uh, hello, because it's a ghost? Ghosts are scary and evil and bad? Any of this getting through?

HAMLET: But it's my dad. I'm gonna talk to it and you can't stop me.

HORATIO: Oh, yeah? Well there are two of us and only one of you, so I say we CAN stop you.

MARCELLUS: Uh, yeah. What he said.

HAMLET: I'm going.

HORATIO: No, you're not.

HAMLET: Yes, I am.

MARCELLUS: No, you're not!

HAMLET: Yes, I am! Let go of me! I'm gonna go talk to my daddy! Let go, let go! The next person to touch me is gonna get demoted to whipping boy! {exits with Ghost}

HORATIO: Wow, he's losing it.

MARCELLUS: We're not just gonna stay here, are we? I mean, um, something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

HORATIO: Lots of things are rotten in Denmark. Especially meat. We don't have the best refrigeration system in the world. But let it be.

MARCELLUS: Screw that. Let's go spy on Hamlet.

HORATIO: Okay!