HAMLET FOR MORONS
(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)
ACT I, SCENE V
{enter Ghost and Hamlet}
HAMLET: Okay, that's far enough. Tell me what you want.
GHOST: Pay attention.
HAMLET: I will, I will!
GHOST: You better. It's almost time for me to go back to Hell.
HAMLET: Really? Say, does the devil really have horns and a pitchfork?
GHOST: What the hell kind of question is that?! I come all this way to talk to you, I put up with your idiot friends shrieking in my face and demanding I grant them three wishes, and all you can say is "Does the devil really have horns and a pitchfork?" What kind of a lousy son are you?
HAMLET: What're you gonna do, ground me?
GHOST: Just listen to me, would you? I'm trying to tell you something important here.
HAMLET: Okay, okay, what is it?
GHOST: You're not gonna like it.
HAMLET: Why do people keep telling me that?
GHOST: Yeah, but this is really gonna piss you off and move you to revenge. At least it better, or you're an even worse son than I thought.
HAMLET: Well, what is it?
GHOST: It's something so horrible it'll make your blood run cold! It's terrible, horrible, awful, dastardly, unparalleled in its atrocity! Oh, woe, woe, woe is me! Oh, me, oh my! Ohhh -
HAMLET: Um, I thought you were in a hurry.
GHOST: Hey, who's telling this story, me or you?
HAMLET: Okay, but could you skip to the point?
GHOST: Fine. I was murdered. See ya.
HAMLET: Whoa, okay, gonna need a little more info than that.
GHOST: Someone poured poison in my ear while I was sleeping. And that someone then married my wife and stole my crown.
HAMLET: Wait a minute. My uncle?
GHOST: No, the OTHER murderer who ascended to the throne and married my wife! Yes, your uncle! God, pay attention!
HAMLET: Sorry! You're kinda laying a lot on me all at once, you know!
GHOST: Well, here's something else. You're adopted.
HAMLET: I am?!
GHOST: No, I was just messing with you. Ha-ha!
HAMLET: That is SO not funny.
GHOST: Yeah, well, something about being dead warps a person's sense of humor. Now listen up. I want you to avenge my murder. Kill your uncle. I don't want to be a control freak about it or anything, but if you could do it soon and really make him suffer, that would be great. Oh, but leave your mom alone, okay? Now get to it! {exits}
HAMLET: Wow. Bummer.
{Enter Horatio and Marcellus}
HORATIO: Hamlet, oh my god, what was that all about?!
MARCELLUS: Yeah, you guys got all quiet there at the end and I couldn't hear a thing you said- er, I mean, what news, sir Hamlet?
HAMLET: Nothing.
HORATIO: Oh, come on, tell us.
HAMLET: No way. You guys are blabbermouths.
MARCELLUS: I can keep a secret!
HAMLET: No you can't.
MARCELLUS: Yes, I can! For instance, I didn't tell you about the surprise party we're throwing you for your birthday - whoops.
HAMLET: Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
MARCELLUS: Hey, that's my line!
HORATIO: Oh, well, we pretty much know what's going on, anyway. After all, we're not COMPLETE idiots.
HAMLET: That's debatable. Just swear you won't tell anyone else about this, okay?
HORATIO & MARCELLUS: We promise!
HAMLET: I said SWEAR!
HORATIO: Um, shit.
MARCELLUS: Damn.
HORATIO: Poo-poo head.
MARCELLUS: Ass monkey.
HAMLET: No, no, no! Doesn't anyone ever listen to me? Swear on my sword that you'll keep your mouths shut about what you saw, heard, and smelled here tonight.
GHOST:{voice from below} Swear. Make them swear.
HAMLET: I am, Dad! Get off my back!
HORATIO & MARCELLUS: Okay, okay, we swear!
HAMLET: Good. Now was that so hard?
GHOST: Swear!
HAMLET: We did! Leave me alone!
GHOST: Swear!
HAMLET: Try to keep up with the chain of events, Dad! We swore! Move on!
GHOST: Swear!
HAMLET: ARGH!!!