HAMLET FOR MORONS

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)

ACT 2, SCENE 1

{Enter Polonius with his minion, Reynaldo}

POLONIUS: Okay, so I want you to go to Paris and give my son this money and these letters.

REYNALDO: Yes, master.

POLONIUS: Oh, yeah, and I also want you to track down other Danes in Paris and find out if they know my son, then let them know that you know him indirectly, you know, like "Yeah, I'm the houseboy of his dad, and -" Hey, are you paying attention to me?

REYNALDO: Yes, master.

POLONIUS: Okay, just checking. Then I want you to talk trash on him. Nothing too bad, just something like, "Yeah, I heard he's a wild drunk" and stuff like that. The usual things that young men away from home get into, ya know?

REYNALDO: Like gambling?

POLONIUS: Right! Or drinking, fighting, spitting, cheating, lying, mixing wine and beer, putting on a tutu and dancing with sweaty, hairy truckers named Buck, laughing at a funeral, wearing white after Labor Day, or whatever else you can think of.

REYNALDO: Um, won't that, like, dishonor him or something?

POLONIUS: Well not if you spin it right! If you wink and pop a Mentos in your mouth, people will laugh and nod in a "boys will be boys" kind of way.

REYNALDO: Let me get this straight. You want me to go to Paris and spread rumors about your son?

POLONIUS: Yup.

REYNALDO: Uh, why?

POLONIUS: Because I want to know what he's up to.

REYNALDO: Ever heard of the AT&T Friends and Family Plan?

POLONIUS: No, listen, this is brilliant! If you say to people, "Hey, did you hear about Laertes? I heard he shaved his head, tattooed it, then went into church and snuffed out all the candle flames, scared some nuns, licked a priest, and yelled, 'I got somethin to say! It's better to burn out than to fade away!'" Then, uh, where was I? Dammit, I know I had a point . . .

REYNALDO: Beats me, sir, but that description sounds suspiciously familiar.

POLONIUS: Oh, I got it! So, if you say something about my son, then whoever you're talking to will say, "Yeah, and I heard Laertes also crashed onto a subway car, sneered at a little kid, beat the conductor to death, pushed the train up to ungodly speeds, killing everyone, then crashed the train through a wall and laughed at the mass destruction he caused."

REYNALDO: Once again, sir, that sounds suspiciously familiar.

POLONIUS: Dammit, would you quit interrupting me?! Is it any wonder I can never remember what I was saying? Now, what WAS I saying?

REYNALDO: You were making gratuitous references to the first two "Highlander" movies. However, your point still remains a mystery to me.

POLONIUS: Don't you see? If you make something up about my son and mention it to someone, then that someone will tell you something about Laertes that really DID happen! It LOOKS like you're talking smack on him, but you're really gathering information! It's brilliant! Brilliant, I say!

REYNALDO: Unless that someone is also just making stuff up. You know, just to fit in?

POLONIUS: Oh, who asked you?

REYNALDO: But I thought -

POLONIUS: You thought? I don't give you enough information to think!

REYNALDO: Yes, you do. And now you're making gratuitous references to "Total Recall."

POLONIUS: Look, I'm not much of a conversationalist, okay? If I didn't quote from movies, I really wouldn't have much of anything to say.

REYNALDO: I'm a little confused as to what the point of this scene is, anyway. I mean, yeah, everybody's spying on everybody around here, we're all a bunch of nosy sons-of-bitches, I get that, but what the hell does any of this have to do with the main story?

POLONIUS: I'm gonna level with you. I have no idea what the point of this scene is. I'm just trying to make the most of my scenes before Hamlet kills me in the third act.

REYNALDO: How do you know about that?

POLONIUS: Well, funny thing. This fortune-telling duck showed up on my doorstep this morning.

REYNALDO: Uh, okay. I think I'll just be getting myself to Paris now, sir. {bolts for the door}

{enter Ophelia}

OPHELIA: Daddy, Daddy, help, Daddy, Daddy!

POLONIUS: What the hell's the matter with you?

OPHELIA: Hamlet just burst into my sewing-room, all rumpled and crazy-looking and foaming at the mouth -

POLONIUS: How do people keep bursting in here? What the hell am I paying ATS Security for?!

OPHELIA: - and unbuttoned, with his clothes falling off -

POLONIUS: WHAT?! Did he touch you?! What did I tell you about wearing that Wonder-Bra and that perfume with the human pheromones in it?

OPHELIA: Oh, so this is MY fault?

POLONIUS: Well, what did he say?

OPHELIA: He didn't say anything. He just sort of stared at me all creepy-like, then he sighed and started to leave, still staring at me. I think we were having a staring contest, cuz when he got to the door he yelled "I win!" and ran away.

POLONIUS: Oh, great. My daughter has a royal stalker. Hmm. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Do you think he'll buy me nice stuff in an attempt to suck up?

OPHELIA: Um, I dunno.

POLONIUS: Yes, this might be good, marrying my daughter off to a prince. Yay, I'm gonna be a royal in-law! Yippee! C'mon, let's go tell the king!

OPHELIA: But what if I wanna marry a cute blond stableboy named Westley?

POLONIUS: Inconceivable!