A/N: This is the longest chapter to date, I believe. But it's still only half the length of Shakespeare's Act 2, Scene 2, which is something like 20 pages long. (Yikes!) Anyway, it evens out in Act IV, which is mostly a lot of short (very!) scenes. Enjoy!
HAMLET FOR MORONS
(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)
ACT 2, SCENE 2
{Enter King and Queen, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern, plus some more royal groupies}
KING: Welcome, dear Rosenstern and Guildencrantz! No, wait, I mean, Rosenguild - Guildenrose - Crantzenstern - Sternencrantz - What the hell are your names again? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! Yes, that's it! {clears throat} Welcome! Okay, here's the deal. Hamlet's gone all screwy again, but it's different this time. I have no idea what the hell's wrong with him now, and I don't want to ask him myself because, let's face it, it didn't go so well last time. So, I was thinking, he likes you guys, right? I mean, you were all raised together and everything, so I want you two to hang out with him, maybe get him drunk and laid, whatever he wants to do, and get him to talk to you.
QUEEN: Yes, he talks about the two of you all the time; I'm sure he likes you! If it will please you to show us so much gentry and good will as to expend your time with us awhile for the supply and profit of our hope, your visitation shall receive such thanks as fits a king's remembrance.
ROSENCRANTZ: {scratches head} Huh?
GUILDENSTERN: What?
QUEEN: {sighs} If you find out what's wrong with Hamlet, we'll give you a cookie.
GUILDENSTERN: Oh! Okay!
ROSENCRANTZ: Oh! What kind of cookie?
KING: Get out of here!
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Yes, master. {exit}
{enter Polonius}
POLONIUS: The ambassadors from Norway are back, sir!
KING: Huh? Who?
POLONIUS: Uh, Voltemand and Cornelius? Remember, you sent them to deliver a letter to Fortinbras's old senile uncle, Norway?
KING: Oh, right, those guys. I swear, there are so many messengers, ambassadors, servants, pages, stableboys, dancing-girls, and other assorted groupies, beggars, and hangers-on around here, I can't keep them all straight. I think I'm going to rename them all "Melvin" for the sake of simplicity.
POLONIUS: Um, very good, sir. But in the meantime, Voltemand and Cornelius are back. Oh, and I have some good news, too! I know why Hamlet's acting so nuts!
QUEEN: Darn, and I already promised Rosencrantz and Guildenstern cookies if they could find out.
KING: Ooh, tell me, tell me!
POLONIUS: No way. I'm gonna drag this out as long as possible. According to the duck, I don't have many scenes left.
KING: Oh, fine, I'll listen to Melvin and Melvin first. Uh, where are they?
POLONIUS: Oh! I knew I forgot something! Just a second! {exit}
KING: Did you hear that, my little snoogie-woogie? Melvin says he knows why Melvin's acting so nuts!
QUEEN: Don't call my son Melvin. And we both know why Hamlet's acting like this.
KING: Is it because he wasn't breast-fed?
QUEEN: No!
KING: So he WAS breast-fed?
QUEEN: What I MEANT was, the same thing that's BEEN bothering Hamlet is what's wrong with him now. He's still upset over his dad's death and our quickie marriage.
KING: But Melvin said he had good news. And he was grinning. And wearing a shirt that said "Don't hassle me, I'm royalty."
QUEEN: You know, this "Melvin" thing is getting real old, real fast.
{re-enter Polonius with Voltemand and Cornelius}
KING: Welcome, messenger boys! Corny and Voldemort - uh, Voltage - Melvin - hey, you, what news from Norway?
VOLTEMAND: Well, it seems -
KING: Wait. Could you start the story with "Once upon a time"?
VOLTEMAND: Once Upon a Time in Mexico, or Once Upon a Time in America?
CORNELIUS: How about Once Upon a Time in the West?
VOLTEMAND: Hey, nobody was talking to you! You don't even have any lines in this scene!
CORNELIUS: I know, and it's not fair! What am I supposed to do during this scene, stand here picking my nose and scratching myself?
VOLTEMAND: Hey, how you want the audience to remember you is your own business.
KING: Uh, guys? Norway?
VOLTEMAND: Right. Okay, well, he said he had no idea what Fortinbras was up to. It seems Fortinbras told him that he was going to war against the Polack. But he looked into it and found out Fortinbras was lying, so he had a little talk with the kid, and Fortinbras promised to be a good boy and not go to war with you. So, Norway was so proud of the boy, he gave him a bunch of money to go to war against the Polack like he said he was doing in the first place. Look, he made Fortinbras sign this piece of paper, see?
KING: {reads} "I promise to clean my room once a week, take out the trash, wash the horse and buggy, and not wage war against anyone without express written approval from Norway. Signed, Skippy Fortinbras." Well, okay then. Thanks, guys! Now away with you! {exit Cornelius and Voltemand}
POLONIUS: Okay, enough about that. My turn to talk now! Your majesties, highness, grand high pooh-bahs, masters of the universe, my liege and madam, I won't waste time, as trying to explain time is to waste it, days and nights and minutes and seconds, days and weeks and months and years -
QUEEN: What the hell are you talking about, you crazy old coot?!
POLONIUS: Look, I already explained this to my houseboy. I'm just trying to make the most of my scenes while I still can.
QUEEN: By rambling incoherently?
POLONIUS: Any time spent on stage is good time. Anyway, getting back to what I was saying, I'll get to the point. Your son is crazy. Nuts. Mad. As I understand mad to be defined by Webster's Revised College Dictionary, Third Edition -
QUEEN: Yeah, yeah. A little less talk and a lot more explanation, okay? I don't know why everyone around here insists on reiterating the same point over and over. Talk about beating a dead horse. I KNOW Hamlet is mad. I want to know WHY!
POLONIUS: I was getting to that!
QUEEN: Geez, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were stalling. Like you don't want this thing to progress to the next act or something.
POLONIUS: Um, right. Anyway, my daughter, Ophelia, gave me this letter that Hamlet wrote to her. Let me read it to you, and then I'll give you three guesses as to what's got Hamlet all wonky in the head, okay? Here goes: {reads} "Dearest Ophelia" - huh, he spelled her name wrong - "the whole world sucks, everyone's a liar and a cheat and a thief and an adulterer and a murderer and a usurper of the crown and a bad dresser and a drunk, but given the choice of these rotten people, I love you the best! People suck and I have been thoroughly disillusioned, but I love you best. I'm not too good with the words and the art and the expressions and all that junk, but you rock! Be my Valentine, love Hamlet." So, what do you think?
KING: Well, Hamlet's certainly no Shakespeare.
POLONIUS: Who?
KING: Never mind. How did your daughter respond to his love?
POLONIUS: Well, at first she was mooning all around like a schoolgirl, then I told her Hamlet was out of her league and was just trying to get in her panties, and I didn't want her to have anything to do with him. But then Hamlet got all pouty when Ophelia wouldn't see him, and started in with the whole not eating, not sleeping thing, then got all crazy like he is now, so it must really be love, right?
KING: Are you sure?
POLONIUS: Listen, if I'm wrong, you can chop my head off.
KING: Can I have that in writing?
POLONIUS: So, I'm thinking a spring wedding would be nice. You know, maybe have it outside and release a couple hundred doves into the air . . .
KING: We should make sure first.
POLONIUS: Okay, how about this. We can have Ophelia ambush him on one of his walks, then we'll hide behind one of the tapestries, cuz hiding behind tapestries is ALWAYS a good idea, and spy on them and see if he really loves her. If he doesn't, you can fire me and make me a pooper-scooper in the dog park.
KING: What happened to chopping off your head?
POLONIUS: Um . . .
{enter Hamlet reading "Revenge for Dummies"}
QUEEN: Look, here he comes now, reading a book! {aside} Why does everyone around here insist on stating the obvious? And talking to themselves? And - well, dammit, now I'm doing it, too!
POLONIUS: Okay, can I talk to him alone? Maybe I can pump him for information, you know, what with my grace and wit and subtlety.
KING: Yeah, sure. You're the master of subtlety. {exit King and Queen and all the royal groupies}
POLONIUS: Hey, Hamlet! How's it going?
HAMLET: Life's a bitch and then you die.
POLONIUS: If you say so, sir. Do you know who I am?
HAMLET: Sure. You're the pimp who hangs out at 53rd and 3rd.
POLONIUS: Uh, no I'm not.
HAMLET: Are you sure? You look just like him.
POLONIUS: Yeah, well, you know what they say. Everyone has a twin. So, uh, what're you reading?
HAMLET: Words. Lots of words. They make up a touching story about a boy and his dog, the words. What's that word?
POLONIUS: Uh . . . {reads} "Disembowelment."
HAMLET: And that one?
POLONIUS: {reads} "Dismemberment."
HAMLET: Okay, thanks. That helps me out a lot.
POLONIUS: Any time. Uh, I think I'll take off now.
HAMLET: Smell ya later.
POLONIUS: Right. Farewell. {exit}
{enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern}
HAMLET: Stupid old fool.
ROSENCRANTZ: Hamlet, oh grand high one!
GUILDENSTERN: Hamlet, bestest buddy in the world!
HAMLET: Hi, guys! Long time no see. Who did you piss off to end up back here?
GUILDENSTERN: What do you mean? I like it here.
ROSENCRANTZ: I like cookies!
HAMLET: Denmark sucks. The world sucks. The world is a prison.
ROSENCRANTZ: We don't think so.
HAMLET: Well, goody-goody-gumdrops for you. I do think so. It gives me bad dreams.
ROSENCRANTZ: Hey, did you ever have the one where you go to school naked and everyone points and laughs, but you can't move and then the teacher starts poking you with a stick, and you kind of like it? Do you think that mean I'm gay?
GUILDENSTERN: Last night I dreamed I was trapped in a boiler room or something, and there was this burned-up guy there wearing a really ugly Christmas sweater and an Indiana Jones hat, and a glove with claws on the fingers. And he kept trying to kill me, until this giant goalie showed up, and then they tried to kill each other. Do you think that means I'm gay?
HAMLET: Uh, what did you say you're doing here again?
ROSENCRANTZ: We're just here to visit you. Yeah, that's all. We certainly weren't sent to spy on you or anything! Nope, not at all!
HAMLET: Uh-huh. I know the king and queen called you back here. Feel like changing your story? You're not very good liars, you know.
ROSENCRANTZ: Why would the king and queen call us back here?
HAMLET: You tell me.
ROSENCRANTZ: Uh, I dunno. Cuz we can turn the world on with a smile?
HAMLET: I'll tell you, then. The king and queen want you to spy on me and find out what's wrong with me. Just because I started wearing black and listening to the Cure and Tori Amos, they think I'm depressed and suicidal - hey, wait a minute, I AM depressed and suicidal! But I have good reason, oh yes I do! I've realized what a horrible place the world is, and how rotten people are. I don't enjoy anything anymore, not men, not women - Hey, what're you snickering at?!
ROSENCRANTZ: Well, it has to be one or the other, doesn't it? If you don't like men and you don't like women, what's left? Farm animals?
HAMLET: That's not what I meant, you idiot! I was simply trying to illustrate that humankind is a festering, teeming disease upon the face of the earth!
ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: {nodding wisely} Ohhh, right.
ROSENCRANTZ: Well, if that's what you think, then I guess the actors' troupe picked a really bad time to come to town. We passed them on our way in.
HAMLET: Huh. Actors. Are they any good?
ROSENCRANTZ: Well, sure, if you like the creepy, murderous, psychopathic, Ray Liotta-Michael Ironside-William Forsythe types, then yeah, they're pretty good.
HAMLET: Creepy, murderous, and psychopathic? Hmm, that gives me an idea . . .
{flourish}
GUILDENSTERN: Ooh, here they come, here they come! You think I can get one of them to sign my butt?
HAMLET: Let's go see.
{enter Polonius}
POLONIUS: Hi, guys!
HAMLET: Oh, no, not him. Doddering old fool. Master of the obvious. Watch this, I bet you he came to tell me the actors are here.
POLONIUS: Guess what?
HAMLET: The actors are here.
POLONIUS: The actors are here!
HAMLET: La-di-da-di-di.
POLONIUS: Um?
HAMLET: Listen, I know you're supposed to have more lines here, but I don't like you, so you don't really think I'm gonna let you hog the scene, do you? After all, the play isn't called "Polonius, Minion of Denmark," now is it?
POLONIUS: Uh, how do you know about all of that?
HAMLET: The evil genie delivered a fortune-telling duck to you, and Cliffs Notes to me. I figure it all evens out somewhere.
POLONIUS: If you say so. In that case, aren't you supposed to make with the crazy-talk right about now?
HAMLET: Hello? I'm talking about genies and fortune-telling ducks. How much crazier does it have to get?
POLONIUS: Well, I suppose each man goes insane in his own special way.
HAMLET: Oh, fine. Have you ever tasted the color blue? I'm Peter Pan! I am Peter Pan! Wheeeeeeeee! Neverland! Bubbles! Where's Bubbles?! Ha-ha! All work and no play makes Hamlet something - something!
POLONIUS: Go crazy?
HAMLET: Don't mind if I do! Wheeee! Ha-ha-ha!
{enter actors}
HAMLET: Look, actors! Come, Polonius, let us get our asses signed! Hello, actors! Welcome, welcome! Let's have a speech! Come on, any monologue you can think of!
ACTOR #1: Anything? Anything at all?
HAMLET: Anything but an Elizabethan tragedy. I hate those.
ACTOR #1: Um, okay. Oh, I've got it! Star Trek in Ten Seconds. It's sort of a troupe specialty. {clears throat} "You . . . KLINGON . . . bastard. . . you KILLED . . . my son!" "I'm givin 'er all she's got, Captain! I donna think she can take any more!" "He's dead, Jim!" "Fascinating, Captain." "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!"
HAMLET: Wow. That was truly disturbing.
ACTOR #1: Thank you.
HAMLET: Polonius, take care of these guys, would you? Treat them like you would Oscar winners, huh? Actors, go with the doddering old fool! We'll have a play tomorrow! {to the first actor} Listen, I've always wanted to be a writer. You mind if I tinker around with one of your plays? Maybe add a few lines?
ACTOR #1: Of course not, sir! {mutters} Figures. Everyone in this town fancies himself a playwright.
HAMLET: What was that?
ACTOR #1: Uh, nothing. Nothing at all.
HAMLET: Good.
{exit everyone but Hamlet}
HAMLET: Ah, alone at last! Hmm, but what's the point of talking to myself if no one's here to see me acting crazy? Oh, well. Now I better go rewrite the play to depict the murder of my father by my uncle. Yep, I'll have the actors act it out, and if that bastard Claudius so much as blinks at it, I'll know he really is guilty, and the ghost really was my dad and not just a hallucination brought on by bad shrimp cocktail. Plus, maybe Steven Spielberg will see my play and like it, and then I can move to Hollywood and go to all the cool parties! Yay!
A/N pt 2: I just couldn't resist working the names of a few of my favorite actors into this thing. I'm kind of pathetic that way. And I have absolutely zero impulse control, so I'll probably do it again. LOL! And I just want to clarify that when I wrote "creepy, murderous, psychopathic, Ray Liotta-Michael Ironside-William Forsythe types", I was referring to the characters they play, not the actors themselves, okay? But you guys knew that, right? Cuz you're smart and stuff. ;-)