Well, hello there everyone. I hope you all are doing well, I'm back with the next update for you guys. But first, there's a few things I wanna talk about.
Let me start off by apologizing. I'm sorry these updates are so sporadic, I really am trying my best. It's just hard to get into the right mindset to write Dawsey these days. But I know you all expect these updates, and I'm sorry for the times I can't get them to you all. But I promise, I'm doing the best I can.
Also, in the future, I think most of you know this, but I do post on twitter the days I'm not able to get chapters up. My twitter user is gcbbydawson, and I always try to let you all know on there, the days I'm not able to update.
Again, I'm really sorry. I feel so bad. I used to be so good about updating, and I hate that I'm not able to do that anymore. But I'm not quitting on this story, or writing at all, it's just not coming as easily to me as it used to, and I'm trying to work through that.
But, enough rambling. Though it took me an extra week, I really am proud of this chapter and how it turned out. I hope you all like it as well.
Chapter One Hundred and Twenty Six
Casey's eyes were focused forward on the hospital bed in front of him, his hands crossed over his stomach while he sat leaned back in the uncomfortable chair, his body aching from a long night spent right in this very spot. But he made no effort to move, at least not yet, as he knew he had some time before he had to get back home to his girls. So he continued to sit here quietly, the only sound in the dark room coming from that of the machines and monitors attached to his wife as she laid motionless on the bed.
The same bed she'd been in for the last four days.
Releasing a soft sigh, Matt brought his hand up towards his face to run over his scruffy cheek, the beard forming over his face a reminder that he probably should clean himself up a bit one he went home. But it also wasn't very high on his list of priorities at the moment, Matt rubbing over his face one last time before he dropped his hand back down to his lap, his tired eyes staying locked on Gabby as he continued to take her in.
It still shocked him at times, how beaten her body was. Even after spending every moment he could with her, Matt having been here most nights since it happened, it still took him by surprise to see his wife in this state, Gabby's body still showing the effects of the accident. Her cuts and scrapes were slowly healing but still very much visible, and the bruises over her body, that he could see, had only gotten worse, the sight just another reminder of how violently she'd been thrown around the back of that ambulance. Which, admittedly, still made him sick every time he thought about it, Matt shaking his head slightly before his eyes moved down towards her chest, the amount of wires coming out from underneath her hospital gown not exactly comforting, as her doctors felt it necessary to keep her connected to multiple machines. And on top of all that, her arm was still secured tightly in the sling from where her elbow had been dislocated in the crash, everything still exactly the same as it had been days ago.
But there was one difference, one very important difference as Gabby no longer had a breathing tube down her throat. They'd taken it out yesterday morning, as she'd been breathing on her own well enough to not need it. And while that was great news, and certainly a very important step in the right direction, it was about the only progress she'd made so far, Gabby no closer to waking up as she'd been four days ago.
And as the days continued to pass by, Matt was having a harder time dealing with it.
They were at a bit of standstill when it came to Gabby; she wasn't any worse, but she wasn't necessarily any better, either, despite her breathing on her own. Them being able to remove the breathing tube was a big deal, Matt knew it was, and he didn't want to minimize the importance of that, as he knew the less time she had to be on a ventilator, the better. But it was the lack of progress everywhere else that had him worried, as there was nothing to explain why she hadn't woken up yet.
He knew she'd need time, Dr. Jennings had laid that out clearly to him from the very beginning. Her body had been through a lot, and while there was a chance she would have woken up by now, he'd also been told to prepare for it to take longer. That Gabby had to do this in her own time. There wasn't anything any of them could do except wait, and while on the surface he understood it, it didn't make that reality any easier to accept as Matt was having to come to terms with the fact he had no idea when his wife would wake up. And that wasn't an easy thing to face.
But he was trying. He was doing his best to not let it get to him, as he believed with everything he had that Gabby would come back to him. No matter how long it took, no matter how much time her body needed to recover, he knew she'd come back to him and their girls. Because, in his mind, there was no other option.
She had to be fine, she couldn't not be. And there was nothing to make him believe she wouldn't be.
Because of the fact she hadn't woken up, every day they took her for scans, sometimes multiple scans a day, and every time they came back clear. Both her abdomen and her brain, which admittedly was a bigger concern to her doctors than they led on, they were all clear. There was no bleeding, no swelling, nothing to explain her unconscious state. Nothing that was keeping her from waking up.
And all that told Matt was that she just needed time. She needed time to heal before she could wake up, and he would be right here by her side, as much as he could be, while she took the time she needed to be okay.
But he'd be lying if he said that it wasn't one of the most helpless feelings in the world, for him to have to sit here and not be able to do anything to help the woman who meant everything to him.
"Hey man."
Casey snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the unexpected voice, Matt blinking quickly a few times before he looked over towards the door to find Severide standing there, the firefighter still clad in his clothes from shift as he took a few steps inside the room.
"Hey Kelly." Matt replied as he slowly sat up in his seat, his voice thick with exhaustion as he had yet to speak this morning, Severide nodding with a small smile while he continued to step into the room, the Lieutenant not stopping until he was at the foot of her bed.
"How's Dawson?" He questioned, Casey drawing in a deep breath before his eyes moved back to his wife, the man pausing for a moment as his gaze traced over her still form.
"Still the same." He answered, Severide nodding in response before glancing towards his friend, Kelly taking in just how exhausted Casey looked as the Captain reached for Gabby's hand. "Everything's the same since we spoke yesterday, they should be coming to get her for her scans here soon, so maybe that'll tell us something today, but so far nothing's changed." He elaborated, his voice sounding more like his own now that he'd spoken some, Matt's thumb brushing over the back of her hand all while being mindful of the IV there.
"And you?" Severide asked, Matt tearing his eyes away from Gabby to look back towards him. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine." Matt told him simply.
"Were you able to get any rest?" He pushed, Casey pursing his lips together for a moment.
"Not really, but I'm alright." He replied before looking back to Gabby, Kelly holding his tongue as he merely gave him a nod. "I should be able to get some sleep later this morning while Sof naps… Which, speaking of, I do need to get going here soon, I guess."
"To get home to the girls?" He asked him, despite the fact that Severide knew the answer already.
"Yeah." He responded with a sad smile. "It's after eight, so I'm sure they're awake already, but I don't want to wait too much longer to get home, I was just waiting for Ramon to get here… I hate to leave Gabby, but…"
"She'd want you with the girls." Kelly was quick to speak up, Matt raising his eyebrows slightly in response. But Severide merely shot him the same look back before Casey's face softened.
Severide did have a point, and he knew it; Gabby would want him with their babies. He knew she would. In fact if he had to guess, he was sure she'd be mad at him for how much time he'd spent at the hospital these last few days, as Gabby would insist he be with them while all this was going on.
As a father, he knew that's exactly what Gabby would want. But as a husband, it wasn't that easy. He couldn't not be here for her, he refused. So while he made sure to be there for his girls, he'd also spent as much time as he could here at Gabby's side, Matt doing his best to balance being here and there as best he could.
"You know Dawson wouldn't want you here nonstop, not when the girls are at home." Severide continued, the Lieutenant mistaking his silence for disagreement. "And she's always had people here with her…"
"Yeah, I know. And I know I need to be with the girls, it's not that. I know that's where I need to be, and it's where I want to be, it's just-" He stopped himself, Casey shaking his head slightly before releasing a heavy breath. "It's hard… This whole thing is hard." He added quietly, Severide's face softening before he nodded.
"I know, man." He sympathized as he shook his head slightly. "I know this has been unbearable, for all of you… But everything will be alright, Casey… Gabby will be alright." He told him with as strong of a voice as he could muster, Casey forcing a weak smile before he nodded. "But I know this has been hell, for all of you."
"That's one word for it, yeah." Casey breathed out, Kelly wincing slightly as his eyes continued to bounce back and forth between Matt and Gabby. "It's… it's impossible, all of this, it's impossible." He admitted, the look of sadness across Severide's face only deepening as he let his friend talk. "I need her to wake up, the girls need her, I-... she's gotta wake up."
"She will." Kelly spoke up the second he finished, Casey swallowing the thick lump that was forming in his throat before he managed a slight nod, the squad Lieutenant releasing a soft sigh before he made his way around the bed towards his friend. Coming to a stop beside Casey, Severide placed his hand supportively over his shoulder, the man squeezing gently as a sign of silent support, Matt blinking quickly as his eyes were now focused on Gabby. "She'll wake up, man… Everything will be okay."
"She has to." Matt echoed once more, Severide squeezing his shoulder once more before taking a slight step back. "The girls, they…" He stopped himself, Casey shaking his head as a shaky breath escaped his lips, the frown settled across Kelly's face seeming to be a permanent one as he looked back and forth between Casey and Dawson.
"...How are they doing?" Severide asked once it was clear he wasn't going to continue, Matt clearing his throat as he shook his head once more.
Though Kelly had done his best to be there for the family as much as he could, he hadn't been able to be around the girls as much as he would've liked. He'd seen them a few times, but it was Jemma who was mostly helping Becca and Matt out with the girls, while Severide had taken to sitting with Gabby whenever Matt, Ramon, and Antonio were needed elsewhere. And with everything going on, he hadn't had the chance to really sit and talk with Matt about how they were doing. Though from what he did know, it wasn't good.
"They're… having a hard time." Casey eventually breathed out, Kelly nodding understandingly as he sat down in the chair beside his friend. "Sofia, she- she doesn't know what's going on, but she understands that something's wrong… She knows Gabby isn't there, and that's been difficult for her. Because we can't explain it to her." He told him, Severide staying quiet as he knew Matt needed to get all this out. "She's just been… She wants her mom, and it's been hard on her, not having Gabby there. She's not acting like herself, she's been so clingy to me, because she knows something's wrong. She'll cry when I leave the room, and she doesn't want to be around anyone else when I'm there. And then Caitlyn…" He trailed off, Casey clenching his eyes shut for a moment as Kelly waited for him to be ready to say whatever was on the tip of his tongue. "She's not okay."
"What's been going?"
"She's… inconsolable. She's acting like Sofia, but it's worse because she knows what's going on. She's been acting out, either yelling or crying, because she wants Gabby, and she hasn't seen her. She's just… She's upset. She's feeling all these things, and she doesn't know how to process it, so she just gets angry." He did his best to explain what the five year old had been going through, though it wasn't easy. "And… I think she's being reminded of what happened to her dad, and how she lost him…" He spoke quietly, Severide's eyes falling closed as his heart tightened in his chest. "She doesn't remember much about that, but she remembers enough… Enough to know she lost her dad, and I think it's scaring her, because she's afraid it's gonna happen again. And it breaks my heart, because I don't know what to do to help her." He admitted, his voice showing just how hard this truly was as Severide reached out towards him again. "I don't know what to do to help either of them… Gabby going through this is bad enough, but seeing what it's doing to the girls, it- it's killing me."
Severide nodded slowly despite the fact that Matt wasn't even looking his way, the Lieutenant trying his best to be as supportive as possible, even though there wasn't much he could do to make any of this better. "I'm sorry, man." He spoke quietly, Casey shrugging softly as he began to slowly rub Gabby's arm. "Have you been talking to Caitlyn about it?"
"I try to, but this is all so much on her. And there's some parts of it she can't understand, so she's just upset… And she's angry at me."
"At you?" Kelly questioned before he could stop himself, Matt nodding slowly. "Why?"
"Because she wants to come see Gabby." He answered, Severide's face falling as realization gradually washed over him.
"...Are you going to bring her here?" He asked when Matt had yet to say anything more, the husband pursing his lips together before he shrugged.
"I don't know." He replied after a minute, Severide nodding slightly. "I… I don't know what to do. Because I get it, I do. She wants to see her mom, and I don't want to keep Caity from her, but I'm afraid what it'll do to her, seeing Gabby like this." He vented, his quiet words filling the otherwise silent room. "There's a part of me that feels like it's just a bad idea to bring her back to a hospital, when Gabby's not even awake… With her like this, I don't… I don't want to traumatize her. I don't know if it would do more harm than good." Casey explained, Kelly's eyes flashing towards Dawson for a split second before he spoke up.
"Does Caitlyn understand Gabby wouldn't be awake?" He questioned, Matt glancing back towards him. "If she were to come, does she know that Gabby isn't awake? That she's… that she's hurt?" He phrased his words the best way he knew how, Casey wincing slightly before he nodded.
"She does… Or I think she does, she knows she's sleeping." Matt responded in the terms he'd used with Caitlyn, Kelly giving him a nod. "I've told her it's not like normal sleep, that she got hurt and her body's resting, so I think she understands that Gabby wouldn't be awake… But she still wants to come see her. She begs me to come see her mom, and I- I feel like an awful dad, keeping her from Gabby, but I don't know what to do." He admitted, Severide patting his shoulder once more before bringing his arm back down to his side. "Caitlyn, she's hurting. She misses her mom, and she's angry that she can't see her."
Once Matt finished speaking, silence hung in the air around them for a few moments, Severide doing what he could to digest what all had been said, while that familiar feeling of grief began to eat away at him. He could only imagine what this was like for them, the position Casey was in right now, and he felt awful, knowing there was very little he could do to help them.
"...What do you think?"
Casey's voice broke the quiet they'd been in for a few minutes, Kelly looking away from Gabby's bed to find Matt now watching him, the broken look in his tired eyes hard to miss.
"Do you think I should bring her? I'm asking you, because… I don't know what the best thing to do here is." He continued when Severide had yet to say anything, Kelly's tongue poking out from between his teeth to run over his bottom lip, Casey's gaze staying focused on him as he waited for a response.
"I don't know… only you know your kid, Matt." Severide replied, his words earning little reaction from his friend. "You know what's best for her, for both her and Sof, you know more than anyone how they're dealing with all this. You know what they need, so if you think it's a bad idea, that's your call." He prefaced, Casey nodding slowly before Kelly continued on. "But… if it were me, I'd probably bring her."
Matt's eyebrows raised slightly, Kelly not missing the look of surprise that flashed in his eyes as Casey clearly hadn't been expecting those words.
"From what I've seen, from what you're telling me, Caitlyn needs her mom. She needs to see her mom, and I know you're worried about bringing her here, and it causing more harm to her, but if she's handling things as bad as you say, I think maybe you keeping her from Dawson is only hurting her." He spoke honestly, Matt's eyes falling closed as his head turned back towards Gabby. "I know you just want to do what's best for them, man, and I can't imagine being in this situation. And maybe I'm wrong, maybe she doesn't need to be here, to see Gabby like this, but to me… it sounds like she does. As hard as it'll be, I think she needs to see her. To see that she's still here, she's just a little hurt right now." He finished, Matt staying quiet for a moment before he gave him a slight nod. "But it's up to you, Casey… Like I said, you know your daughter better than anyone. You know what she needs right now."
"Yeah…" He replied quietly, Severide offering him a small, supportive smile as the air around them felt a little heavier than moments prior, which didn't even feel possible under the circumstances. But after a few moments, Matt spoke up again, his shift in topic telling Severide he didn't want to dwell on the conversation they'd just had. "So, uh… you just got done with shift?" He questioned, Kelly raising his eyebrows. "Before you came here, you were the firehouse?"
The somber mood around them only worsened as Severide's face faltered slightly, the man nodding slowly before Casey looked back towards Gabby. "Yeah, I was." He answered sadly.
"Was everyone… Were people there?" Matt continued, the man curious to know how the first shift back since the accident had gone. Though the look on Severide's face was telling enough.
"Yeah." He replied, Casey nodding once more. "We had some relief paramedics, and Herrmann covered for you on truck, but everyone was there… No one took the time off, even though Boden tried." Kelly told him, though they both knew those words weren't entirely true as one person had taken the time off that the Chief offered them, 81's Captain not even thinking of going into work today. And if Severide had to guess, he wouldn't for the foreseeable future.
"...How was it?" Matt pressed, Kelly pursing his lips together as he thought over how to best answer, the man deciding to just tell the truth.
"It was… weird. Really weird." He answered, Severide releasing a heavy sigh as Matt glanced back towards him. "Everything was just- hard. Being there was hard, for everyone."
"Yeah." Casey breathed out.
"And it felt... wrong isn't the word, but it was just different. Being there, after what happened to Foster. Knowing she's gone… And with Brett not doing much better since her surgery." He continued, the two watching each other before Kelly's gaze flashed towards the bed, that sad look returning to his face as he looked at Gabby. "...then Dawson." He added, Matt gnawing on the inside of his cheek before involuntarily squeezing Gabby's hand, the husband mindful to keep his grip light. "It was just weird being there. But I also think it was good for everyone, in some ways." He spoke truthfully, Casey's eyebrows raising slightly in response. "It was a rough shift, regardless of how long it took, the first shift back was going to be, but… I think it was good for everyone to be together. Everyone who could be there." He said carefully, Matt nodding once more before he looked back to Gabby.
"But it was definitely hard." Severide continued on after a beat of silence. "And honestly, I don't know if things will ever feel normal again, with losing Foster and everything, but right now everyone's just… We're all doing the best we can, I guess." He finished, Casey taking a few slow, deep breaths before he gave Kelly another nod. "Which, speaking of, Boden wants to have a ceremony, for Emily." He continued, Matt looking up as he spoke. "I'm not sure when, probably not until Dawson's back on her feet, and Brett's doing better, but he wants to do something for her."
"That's good." Casey replied softly, Severide nodding in response. "That'll… it'll be nice, to honor her." He added, his gaze moving back to Gabby as Kelly noticed his friend's demeanor change significantly. "Do, uh, do we know anything about a service? Aside from what Boden wants to do, are they having a funeral?"
"I don't know." Kelly replied, Casey's teeth grazing over his bottom lip before he nodded. "I'm not sure what her parents are planning to do, but I'm sure we'll know if they do."
"Yeah, you're right."
Severide's eyebrows furrowed as he continued watching his friend, Matt clearly much more on edge than he'd been moments prior, before they'd started talking about Foster. And Kelly didn't know why.
"You alright, man?" He finally asked, Matt's head snapping up.
"Huh?"
"Are you okay?" He asked again, Casey's face falling for a second. "We started talking about Foster and you got all tense, what is it?" He pressed, Matt shaking his head slightly.
"It's nothing…"
"Casey." He replied, the look on his face telling Matt he wasn't going to give in, the Captain blowing out a sharp breath before he spoke up.
"When you brought up Foster, it... brought some things back, I guess. From the day of the accident." He started, Severide no less confused than he was a moment ago.
"What do you mean?" He questioned, Matt sighing deeply as his eyes focused on his wife. "...Come on, Case. What is it?"
"All of this, what happened to Foster, it's awful. And I wish it never happened… but the second we found out about it, my first thought was that I was glad it wasn't Gabby." He admitted, Kelly's face remaining unreadable as Casey shook his head, the man angry at himself. "I'm a terrible person, I know I am."
"Casey..."
"Our friend died, and all I could think about was the fact that I was grateful Gabby didn't." He cut him off, a rough scoff escaping his lips before he clenched his teeth together. "That Gabby wasn't sitting where she was. Even now, I'm still- We're talking about a service for our friend that is dead, and I can't help but think how glad I am that that wasn't Gabby… Who does that?"
"A guy who's grateful he didn't lose his wife." Severide cut in, Matt's eyes falling closed before he shook his head.
"Kelly-"
"No, Casey… You're not a bad guy for being happy that your wife isn't dead." He spoke, Matt grimacing at the last word he used before he looked back towards him. "It's not like you're sitting here wishing it happened, you're allowed to be relieved that the mother of your children didn't die in that crash… That you didn't lose your wife, and that your girls didn't lose their mom. That doesn't make you an awful person." He told him as strongly as he could, though he could tell Matt was having a hard time believing it. "What happened, it's awful. And I don't know if our house will ever be the same after this, but you're allowed to be thankful that what happened to Foster didn't happen to Gabby… It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human."
Severide's words hung between them for a few moments, Matt desperately trying to believe them as he finally gave him a slow, somewhat reluctant nod. But Kelly wasn't convinced he was actually hearing him, and he didn't like the idea of Matt holding onto this feeling.
"You're not wrong for being thankful that what happened to our friend didn't happen to Gabby… Maybe some other people wouldn't understand it, but listen to me when I tell you that this doesn't make you a bad guy. You don't need to feel guilty for being relieved that your wife is alive."
Glancing back towards him, Casey looked over his face for a moment, searching for any signs of deception before he eventually nodded once more, the man giving his unconscious wife's hand a squeeze for comfort.
"Yeah…" He breathed out, Severide's face falling as Matt looked back to Gabby, his eyes staying locked on her for a couple seconds before he gave her hand another squeeze. "I guess you're right, I just- God, I hate this… All of it."
"I know." Severide agreed softly, as he and the entire house felt the same way. Though he knew it was different for Casey.
A heavy silence fell over the room once more as Matt continued watching his wife, the man's mind clearing of their previous conversation as all he wanted was to spend as much time as possible with her while he could, without focusing on anything else. But as the seconds ticked by, he was realizing more and more how he couldn't stay much longer, as there were two very important little girls at home who needed their dad. Even though it killed him to leave her, he knew Gabby would want him there, Matt rubbing his thumb along her sensitive skin before he shifted in his seat.
Checking his watch, Matt released a soft sigh before he finally looked back to Severide once more, his friend having stayed equally as quiet as Kelly knew that's what he needed.
"I guess I should get going." Casey spoke up, Severide immediately nodding as Matt moved to the edge of his chair.
"Want me to come to the house? Help you out with the girls?" Kelly offered without hesitation, Matt pondering over his words for a moment before he nodded.
"That would be great, yeah… But do you mind waiting until Ramon gets here?" He asked, Severide nodding softly. "I don't want Gabby to be alone. I'd wait for him, but the girls…" He trailed off, shaking his head slightly as a knowing look covered Kelly's face.
"Yeah, I can stay." He told him, Matt breathing in deeply before he nodded. "You go get home to them, I'll be here with Dawson."
"Thanks Sev." He responded before he began to stand up, his body moving slowly as he'd been sitting in the same position for nearly the entire night. While he moved, Severide watched him closely, the Lieutenant not missing the deep grimace that set in across Casey's face before he began shaking his leg out slightly.
"You alright, Casey?"
His question got Matt's attention as he looked down towards his friend, Severide watching him with expectant eyes as a deep look of confusion settled in over Casey's face.
"What?"
"You look like you're in pain, is it your leg again?" He pressed as the look on Matt's face slowly softened. "I know your knee was bothering you after the accident."
Casey waved him off as he continued to stretch out, his body feeling a little bit more like normal the longer he stood there, though his knee was in a little more discomfort than the rest of him. "I'm just sore from sitting all night." He explained, but Kelly continued to eye him skeptically.
"Are you sure? … That's the knee you had all that trouble with after the injury on shift, isn't it?" He questioned, Matt's face remaining blank as he said nothing. "Back before Sofia was born- damn, I guess it has been that long ago." He cut off his own words as a wave of realization washed over him, Severide shaking his head slightly before he continued. "But wasn't that the same knee?"
"Yeah, it is." He confirmed. "But it's nothing… That hasn't bothered me for a long time. Like I said, I think I just pulled something the other day, but I'm fine. Just sore."
"If you say so." Severide responded, his words earning a pointed stare from Casey before he glanced back to Gabby for a split second.
"Anyway… I'm gonna head out of here. Thanks again for staying with her."
"Of course man." He responded, Matt giving him one last nod before he turned his body towards Gabby, the sight of her beaten body still not an easy thing for him to take in as he reached out for her hand yet again. Drawing in a deep breath, Casey placed his free hand down gently on the bed beside her, making sure his movements didn't jostle her too much before he leaned down to get closer to his wife.
"Hi baby... I'm sorry to leave, but I gotta go and be with our girls." He told her, his eyes focused on her closed ones as he gently rubbed his thumb back and forth over her skin. "I wish you could be going home with me, but soon enough you're gonna get out of here and the four of us will all be back home." He murmured, Severede watching on with sad eyes as he heard the pain in Casey's voice. "But for now, I've got our girls… They miss their Momma, but I've got them until you're better. Which hopefully won't be much longer." He continued on, a weak smile forming over his lips before he lifted his hand up to brush some of her hair behind her ear.
"I'll be back later tonight, but Kelly and your dad will be here with you, and I think Antonio's coming by, and Jemma too… But I won't be gone too long, I'll be back once the girls are in bed. And maybe by the time I am, you'll be awake… But if not, that's okay too. You take your time, we'll all be here waiting for you when you're ready." He told her lovingly, her unmoving body making his words all the more difficult to get out as he gently cupped the side of her head, Matt being mindful of all the cuts and scrapes on her skin before he leaned down to press a gentle kiss over her cheek.
"I love you, baby." He murmured, his words soft and barely audible as he lingered against her for as long as he could. "I love you so much, and I'll be back later, alright?"
Matt gave her one last kiss goodbye before he pulled back, the husband doing all he could to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach as he began gathering his things to leave, Matt wishing more than anything that the next time he was in this room, his wife would be awake.
Casey released a heavy sigh as he walked into his home from the garage, the sound of the TV immediately hitting his ears as he let the door fall closed behind him, Matt tossing his keys down on the table by the door and kicking his shoes off before he continued further inside. He was exhausted, beyond it actually, but he knew he didn't have time to be, as his girls were gonna need more from him than just him sleeping. But he'd be lying if he said all of this back and forth over the last few days wasn't beginning to catch up with him.
It was the routine he'd inadvertently set for himself since the accident happened, the one he found worked best for his girls and for Gabby, even though it maybe wasn't the easiest on him. But every day he'd come home from the hospital after spending the night there with Gabby, then spend as much time with his girls as possible, Matt wanting to do all he could to make this a little easier on them as his goal was to keep things as normal as possible for his daughters' under the circumstances. Then most days, he'd be at home all day with them, waiting until he put them to bed and they were fast asleep before going back to the hospital and sitting with Gabby through the night. And then the next day would repeat, Matt doing this same process over and over.
It was hard on him, there was no denying it as his mind and body were both feeling the effects of all of it. But it was really his only option. He had to be with his girls, and he had to be with Gabby. And this was the only way he could do both. So he made it work, as Matt really wasn't focusing too much on himself in all this right now.
Blowing out a heavy sigh, Casey continued into his home as his hand came up to rub over the back of his neck, the father waiting to hear the sounds of his girls running around and playing as they'd usually do in the mornings. But he heard none of that, Matt looking up as he came into the room to find Caitlyn sitting alone on the couch, her little sister and the nanny nowhere in sight as Casey's eyebrows furrowed.
"Hey honey." He greeted softly as he continued into the room, Caitlyn looking away from the television towards her dad for a moment.
"Hi." She answered weakly.
"Where's Becca?" He asked as he got to her, Casey sitting down on the couch beside her just as Caitlyn instinctively leaned into his side.
"In Sof's room." She answered, Matt nodding as he glanced around before grabbing the baby monitor off the end table, the father soon seeing Becca walking around with Sofia in her arms. And even though the sound was off, he could tell she was trying to soothe the one year old. "She was crying." Caitlyn continued, Matt nodding as he wrapped his arm around her, Caitlyn digging herself deeper into his hold.
The second those words left his daughter's lips, he became a bit worried, as he wasn't sure if it was Sofia's normal crying when she woke up, or if it was something else. But he knew Caitlyn wasn't the person to ask. And truthfully, he didn't want to make a big deal out of it and potentially worry her, so despite his desire to comfort his youngest daughter, he made the choice to let Becca take care of her, as Casey was sure she'd bring the baby down here soon anyway.
"I'm sure everything's okay." Matt ultimately decided on as a response, Caitlyn shrugging slightly against him as her eyes stayed focused on the screen, the usually rambunctious child now much more quiet than she'd ever been before. "But I missed you, baby. How was your night? Did you sleep alright?" He questioned as his eyes flashed back towards the baby monitor just in time to see Becca move out of the frame, telling Casey she was on her way downstairs with Sofia.
"I'm sleepy." Caitlyn answered simply, her small words also unusual for the little girl as she didn't have nearly as much life in her as he was used to. And it broke his heart.
Nodding softly, Matt leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head, the father unable to stop the small smile that formed over his face when he felt her nuzzle herself deeper into his embrace. "Yeah, me too." He agreed quietly, Casey pressing another kiss to the top of her head before he pulled back, Caitlyn only further digging herself into him as she was clearly in one of her more clingy moods this morning. And he had no issue with that, as it wasn't always a guarantee these days that Caitlyn would be feeling like this, let alone want to be with him at all.
Since Gabby's accident, the little girl had been rather hot and cold towards him in certain moments. There were times, like now, where she was alright, or as okay as she could be, and she wanted him with her. But then there were other moments where he seemed to be the last person she wanted to be around, especially those times when she was angry at him, and though it hurt him, he'd tried to give her that space. He knew she was upset right now, and she was feeling things she didn't understand, so when she acted out, Casey did his best to be patient, as he knew she was just trying to work through what was going on in her little head. But that certainly didn't make it any easier in those moments where she wanted nothing to do with him.
"Were you at Mommy's?"
Caitlyn's voice pulled him from his thoughts, the father moving back away from her to find her bright brown eyes staring up at him, the eyes that held far too much pain and sadness for his liking.
Breathing in slowly, he nodded, Caitlyn's expression remaining unchanged as she instinctively reached out to hold onto his leg. "I was."
"Is she sleeping too?" She questioned, her face shining with a glimmer of hope as she was desperate to hear any good news on her mom. But Matt had none, his face falling slightly before he nodded.
"She is, sweetheart." He answered, his suspicions soon proven correct as he watched her visibly deflate. "She was sleeping all night."
"Matt, hi."
Casey looked over towards the entrance of the room when he heard the familiar voice, Becca continuing into the room with a now-calm Sofia on her hip as the baby was nestled into her side, her curly-haired head resting on the nanny's shoulder.
"I didn't realize you were back already, how's Gabby doing?" She asked as she walked towards them, her steps stopping a few back of the chair as Matt knew his conversation would Caitlyn was now put on pause. Which, truthfully, might've been for the best.
"She's, uh… the same." He answered, Becca drawing in a deep breath before she nodded, the woman looking back down towards Sofia as the baby was still hiding against her. "There's been no improvement or anything, we're pretty much just where we were yesterday." He finished honestly, the woman pausing for a moment before responding.
"Well, maybe they'll be some changes today." She spoke before adjusting Sofia on her hip, Matt nodding as well just as Becca continued talking. But this time, she wasn't talking to him. "Sof, your Daddy's home… You wanna see him?"
Her ears perked up at the mention of her dad, Sofia cautiously lifting her head up to finally take in her familiar surroundings, before finally landing on her father.
"Hi baby girl." He greeted just seconds before Sofia all but launched herself out of Becca's arms, prompting the nanny to put her down on the ground before the baby hurried towards him, her tear-stained eyes only more prominent the closer she got. "Yeah, there's my princess. Hi Sof." He continued on as he picked her up and placed her on his lap, it not lost on him how Caitlyn began to inch away from his side once Sofia was with him.
"Yeah, she definitely missed you." Becca mused as she watched on at the family, Matt smiling weakly before pressing a kiss to the top of Sofia's head. "They both did." She added, the man breathing slowly before he nodded, his eyes moving back and forth between his two girls.
"...How'd they do?" He questioned softly, Matt checking once more to make sure Caitlyn was focused on her show more so than them. And from what he could tell, she was. "Did they sleep alright?"
"Not really." She answered honestly, Casey's eyes falling closed for a split second before he nodded, his hand absentmindedly running along Sofia's back as she continued clinging to her dad, the baby sucking on her pacifier for comfort. "Sofia was up a lot of the night, and she woke up crying about ten minutes ago." She told him, Matt instinctively holding onto her tighter as he mentally kicked himself for not being here. "And then…" She started but soon trailed off, her eyes flashing towards Caitlyn before looking back at Matt, the gesture telling him exactly who she was talking about. "She didn't sleep much, either." Becca told him, Matt nodding understandingly as he knew that was a common theme as of late.
Though he hadn't been here throughout the night, he'd heard from Becca, or whoever stayed the night with the girls, every morning how difficult it was for them to get any rest, especially Caity. And if the amount of time and effort it took to get her to sleep was any indication, Casey knew just how true that was, as it was nearly impossible for Caitlyn to get a good night's sleep since this all happened. It was pretty much the same every morning, as he'd come home to being filled in on everything that happened the night before, considering Matt wasn't here to help. Though if things continued to be this bad, that might have to change.
"She was up most of the night. She finally was able to fall asleep once I stayed and sat by her bed." She continued telling him of what he'd missed while at the hospital, Matt shaking his head slightly as he did what he could to digest what she was saying. "But she didn't sleep for very long before she woke up crying too… For Gabby."
With every word, it was like a knife was piercing through his heart, Matt keeping a hold on Sofia while using his other arm to guide Caitlyn back towards him, the father desperate to be close to his girls. Caitlyn looked up at the movement, Matt meeting her eyes before he leaned down to press a soft kiss to her forehead again before she tucked herself back into his side, guilt continuing to eat away at him as he was getting the full picture of just how badly his girls were struggling.
And it was one of the most helpless feelings in the world.
It was bad enough, him not being able to do anything to help Gabby, but not being able to help his girls only made it all that much worse. He was sure he'd never felt this defeated in his life, Matt having no idea what to do to help make this better for his two babies that depended on him for everything.
Though, at least for one of them, in the back of his mind he knew there was something he could do. Even if he was reluctant to do it. Despite his conversation with Severide not even an hour ago, he was still feeling his reservations about taking Caitlyn to the hospital, and truthfully he probably always would. But he couldn't focus on that right now.
"But she eventually calmed down." Becca continued on when he had yet to say anything. "We came down here, I got her to eat a little bit, and then we were just watching cartoons until Sof woke up." She finished explaining, Matt nodding as he held onto both his girls. "And, uh… yeah, that's pretty much it. The night was just a little rough for them."
Casey nodded once more, his heart clenching in his chest as he felt Sofia grip onto his shirt, while Caitlyn was holding onto his leg, both of his girls clearly needing him right now, even if the five year old was a little unsure around him.
"Thank you for being here with them." Casey eventually told her, the man knowing he hadn't shown their nanny nearly as much appreciation she deserved as of late, as his mind was all over the place. But even with his frantic state, he wasn't blind to the fact that she had been putting in a lot more work than usual, the woman around well more than double what she normally was, as she wanted to help as much as she could. "I know you've had to take a lot more because of all this, and though I don't always say it, I am really grateful for that."
"Matt, you don't need to thank me for anything… You've got enough going on to deal with, you know I'm here for whatever you all need, when I can be." She reminded him, Matt nodding thankfully as his arm moved up and down over Caitlyn's side, Becca glancing down towards her watch before she looked back at the family, her heart immediately hurting at the sight of how broken all of them were. "But, uh, speaking of… Do you know what your plans are for today?" She questioned, Matt looking back towards her. "I can stay for a little bit longer to help, but I wasn't sure if you were going back over to the hospital at all, or if you were gonna stay here with them…" She trailed off, the nanny knowing they needed to figure out their schedule for the day.
"I'm not sure what I'm doing, but I'll probably be here." He told her, Becca nodding understandingly as she was glad to know the girls would be looked after. "Severide is at the hospital with Gabby right now, until her dad gets there, but then he said he was gonna come over here to help out, so you can get going if you need to." He spoke softly, the nanny's eyes focused on the tired and upset little girls. "Sev will probably be here most of the day, and I might see if he can stay until tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'm doing tonight yet…" He spoke carefully, Matt's heart pulling him in two different directions as he was desperate to be with Gabby, but a part of him couldn't help but feel like he needed to be here tonight. "I know Jemma will be at the hospital later today, maybe I'll see if she can spend the night with her, if Ramon or Antonio can't… I don't know, I hate the thought of Gabby being alone, but I…" He trailed off, Matt shaking his head slightly as the nanny gave him an understanding nod, the tired father gathering his thoughts for a second before finally speaking up once more. "I guess what I'm saying is that we're good… You can go whenever you need to."
"Alright." She replied quietly, Casey drawing in a deep breath as he moved his focus back to his girls. "If you need me back here tonight, I can come… Just let me know."
"I will, but we should be fine. Whether I go to the hospital tonight or not, Severide should be able to help with the girls."
"Are you going back to Mommy?"
Caitlyn's small voice grabbed both their attentions as Matt looked down towards his daughter just as she lifted her head up, the fresh tears in her eyes somewhat alarming as he was beginning to understand she'd been listening to them talk about Gabby.
"I'm, uh… I'm not sure, honey." He told her, Caitlyn's face falling for a moment before she gently pulled herself from his hold to sit up on the couch, her little body facing him as she looked up at her dad with pleading, pain-filled eyes.
"Can I go with you?" She asked, Matt forcing himself to take a deep breath before he spoke up.
"Caity-"
"Please, I wanna see Mommy." She continued on, the small girl picking up on enough to know he might not let her go, Matt feeling a knife-like pain through his chest as her eyes continued to water. "I can help her get better!" She tried to convince him as a few stray tears finally escaped down her cheeks, Matt's resolve slowly breaking more and more. But still, he wasn't sure what the best thing to do was, his fears and worries overtaking everything else.
"Sweetheart, I know you want to see her…"
"Mommy always helps me when I get hurt." She kept going, her eyes filling with more tears as she was desperate to see her mother. "She kisses the boo-boos and makes them all better, I can help her too. I know I can." She tried, her words as forceful as they could be as she was trying to get her dad to listen to her.
"Baby, it's not that simple." He replied softly, Caitlyn shaking her head in anger as she slid down off the couch. "Wait honey, I know you want to see your mom, but-"
"I want to be with my Mommy!" She yelled, the noise startling Sofia as the baby began to cry, tears pouring down Caitlyn's small face as she moved away from her dad as he tried to reach out for her, while balancing a scared Sofia in his lap.
"Caitlyn-"
"I don't like you!" She screamed, her words stunning him to silence as she moved around the coffee table, her body practically shaking from all the emotions she was feeling. "You're mean, Daddy!" She cried as she hurried through the living room towards the stairs. "I don't want you, I want Mommy!"
Those were the last harsh words out of her mouth before she ran up the steps to her room, her sobs being heard throughout the entire house as Caitlyn left a helpless Matt in the living room, the father doing what he could to console his crying one year old while his heart was nearly shattered in his chest, Casey sure he had never felt as lost as he did right now.
Well, there's another one. And it wasn't necessarily a happy one, either.
Sorry to end it here, but with the next scene, it was getting too long and this felt like a better stopping place. But we'll pick up the next one right where we left off, and let me just warn you that it's… a lot. It'll be a pretty heavy chapter, I won't lie. But it's a chapter I'm really excited for, and hopefully you all are, too.
Thanks again for reading, I hope you enjoyed this one. Sorry again for the delay last week, I'll try not to let it happen again.
Have a great week, everyone!