HAMLET FOR MORONS

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)

ACT 3, SCENE 1

{enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and seven lords a-leaping}

KING: So are you really telling me you have no idea what the hell's bugging Hamlet now?

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, he thinks the world sucks and would be better off if a giant asteroid crashed into Buenos Aires and sent the entire planet into a nuclear winter, killing all life on Earth, but he didn't say why.

GUILDENSTERN: Yeah, we asked and asked, but he wouldn't tell us what's really going on. It's like he thinks we're gonna run off and tell everyone or something.

ROSENCRANTZ: Um, we are.

GUILDENSTERN: Oh, yeah, right.

QUEEN: Amateurs. Did you get him drunk first?

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, we were going to, but we met some actors, and Hamlet got all star-struck and started mooning after them and completely ignoring us. Anyway, Hamlet hired the actors to play here tonight.

POLONIUS: Oh, that's right! He wanted me to make sure your majesties come to the play. He said it's a special play and you absolutely have to see it. See? He made me tie this ribbon around my neck so I wouldn't forget to tell you!

ROSENCRANTZ: Um, that's not a ribbon.

GUILDENSTERN: It's a noose.

ROSENCRANTZ: And I don't think it had anything to do with the play.

POLONIUS: Really?

KING: Oh, who the hell cares? Hamlet's interested in something! That's great. Maybe it'll keep him off my case. Go help him stalk the actors, or get his ass signed, or whatever it is that crazy obsessed fans do these days, okay?

ROSENCRANTZ: Okay, but when the restraining orders come out, don't blame me. {exit with Guildenstern}

KING: Okay, my little honey-muffin, you leave us alone, too. Me and Polonius are gonna hide and spy while Ophelia teases Hamlet. That way we can see if it's really love that's making him all wacky in the head.

QUEEN: Sure, fine. For your sake, Ophelia, I hope it really is you that's driving him crazy. Then maybe you could figure out a way to drive him sane again. Plus, the two of you would have really cute kids.

OPHELIA: Thanks. I hope it's me, too. After all, it's so nice to finally meet someone who's even crazier than me. We could sit in our padded cells and weave baskets until it's time for the nice doctors to put us back into the pretty white jackets that make us hug ourselves.

QUEEN: Um, right. See ya later. {exits}

POLONIUS: Okay, now we men will hide, and you stand here and wait for Hamlet, Ophelia. Here, read this book and try to look sad and lonely, okay? Good, good! Very pitiful. Come on, sir, let's hide! Here he comes! {they hide}

{Enter Hamlet}

HAMLET: To be, or not to be - that is the question! Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by suffering - no, wait, by opposing - oh, dammit, I always forget this part! {pulls out the Cliffs Notes version of "Hamlet"} Let's see, where are we here? Outrageous fortune, slings and arrows, sea of troubles, okay. Hmm, to die, to sleep, perchance to dream, what dreams may come, shuffle off the mortal coil, the undiscovered country, thus conscience does make cowards of us all. Huh, I thought it was cowardice that makes cowards of us all. Oh, well, you learn something new every day. Hey, Ophelia! Why are you lurking here in the dark?

OPHELIA: I dunno. Why are you walking around muttering movie titles?

HAMLET: Movie titles? Oh, yeah, like it's MY fault every filmmaker in Hollywood feels the need to 'borrow' a line of this play to use as a title?

OPHELIA: Uh . . .

HAMLET: What are you doing here?

OPHELIA: You gave me some stuff I wanna give back to you. I thought now was as good a time as any.

HAMLET: Nope, I never gave you nothing.

OPHELIA: Yes you did.

HAMLET: Did not.

OPHELIA: What about the pink stuffed elephant you won at the county fair?

HAMLET: Nope.

OPHELIA: What about the mix tape you made me? The one with all the songs about liking big butts?

HAMLET: Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.

OPHELIA: What about the T-shirt that says, "My boyfriend is a prince and all he gave me was this lousy T-shirt"?

HAMLET: Come to think of it, I did used to love you.

OPHELIA: I sure thought so.

HAMLET: You shouldn't have. I didn't love you.

OPHELIA: Make up your mind! Do you have any idea how frustrating this is for me? I don't know whether to hug you, hit you, lose my mind, kill myself, or what! I mean, a little mystery is one thing, but this I love you, I love you not bullshit really gets on a girl's nerves! You think you can keep jerking me around just cuz you're royalty? Grow up!

HAMLET: Uh, I don't think that was your line. Are you PMSing or something?

OPHELIA: Oh, shut up.

HAMLET: Right. Uh, moving along, get yourself to a nunnery or something to that effect. Um, don't have children, cuz the world is filled with the teeming, festering disease of humanity already. People suck. Especially men. We're all a bunch of liars and cheaters and killers. Stay away from us. Go be a nun, or a lesbian or some damn thing, I don't know. If you get married I hope you're frigid and marry a fool. I hear the village idiot is sniffing around. Then again, there should be no more marriage. Hell, I hate this part. How about we just pretend I stuck around for a while, rambling on about similar such things, okay? I'm gonna go watch the Simpsons. {exit}

OPHELIA: Uh, he's gone. You can come out now.

POLONIUS: You'll never find me! I hid good!

KING: No you didn't. You're just standing facing the corner.

POLONIUS: If I can't see you, you can't see me.

KING: Is that the same logic that got you shot in the ass during the last war?

POLONIUS: Um . . .

OPHELIA: Hello? Have you forgotten why we're all here? Me and Hamlet, remember?

KING: I'd say there is no you and Hamlet. He doesn't love you. He didn't sound particularly crazy, either.

OPHELIA: He didn't? Were you listening to us at all?

KING: No, no, that's NORMAL, for Hamlet, anyway. Hmm. I think I better send him to England. Get him out of my way for a while. Maybe longer than a while. Heh-heh-heh.

POLONIUS: Um, yeah. Okay. But I still think he's pining after my daughter. Tell you what. Have his mother talk to him. If he won't tell her what's on his mind, then send him to England. I'll even spy on his little talk with his mommy, okay? I'll hide good this time.

KING: Okay. But no more of this "If I can't see them, they can't see me" crap, okay?

POLONIUS: No, no. I'll hide behind the tapestries.

KING: Sounds good. Nothing bad ever happened to anyone hiding behind a tapestry.