HAMLET FOR MORONS

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)

ACT 3, SCENE 2

Enter Hamlet with three of the actors. Let's call them Larry, Moe, and Curly, just for the hell of it.

HAMLET: Okay, now, no forgetting your lines, understand? And no over-acting! I hate that! Where everything comes out as an exclamation! It's so annoying! No flinging your arms all around, like this!

LARRY: Ow! My eye!

HAMLET: Oops. Oh, well, put some ice on that, it'll be fine.

LARRY: Oh, God, I'm blind!

HAMLET: Erm. Anyway, as I was saying, no over-the-top antics or melodrama, all right?

LARRY: You poked out my eye, you bastard! My beautiful eye! begins stumbling around, flailing his arms. Unwittingly stumbles face-first into a pillar and flops to the ground.

HAMLET: to Moe and Curly You see what this guy's doing here? I don't want any of that.

MOE: Don't poke our eyes out and you've got yourself a deal.

HAMLET: Okay, now, I also don't want anyone under-acting. You have to be perfect.

CURLY: Well, you're not asking much, are you?

HAMLET: And stick to the script. No ad-libbing. Tell your whole troupe; I don't want any of your extras taking it upon himself to act as comic relief! There is no comic relief! This is serious work!

MOE: Not that you're a control freak or anything.

LARRY: I can't see! I can't see!

CURLY: Open your eyes, you imbecile.

LARRY: blinks It's a miracle! Look at all the colors! Oh, green, how I missed you! The birds and trees are so lovely to one whose sight has newly been restored! runs off and hugs a tree.

HAMLET: I want that guy fired.

MOE: No problem, my lord.

HAMLET: Good. Now go get ready for the play.

MOE: Yes, sir.

Moe and Curly manage to pry Larry off the tree, then exit.

Enter Polonius, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern

HAMLET: Yo, Polonius, did you talk the king into watching my play? Did'ja, did'ja, did'ja, huh, huh, huh?

POLONIUS: Yup. And the queen, too. I asked them just like you told me. See, I did good!

HAMLET: Okay. Go tell the actors to hurry up. exit Polonius Um, maybe you two should go help him. You know, seeing as how I didn't write it down for him, he'll probably forget.

ROSENCRANTZ: Okay! Bye-bye!

GUILDENSTERN: So, what exactly was the point of our appearance here?

ROSENCRANTZ: Who cares? We get to go help on a very important errand!

exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

HAMLET: Ho, Horatio!

enter Horatio

HORATIO: Did you just call me a ho!

HAMLET: No, I - oh, never mind.

HORATIO: Because I'm not a ho! I didn't want to do all those dirty things with the serving wench, she made me do them! I didn't enjoy any of it! Well, okay, the thing she did with the feather-duster was kinda fun . . .

HAMLET: It was just an expression of greeting, Horatio.

HORATIO: Oh. Well, okay then. Carry on.

HAMLET: Thank you. I was going to go on and on about what a good friend you are and how much I admire you, but you're being such a dumbass right now, I don't think I wanna anymore. So, look, I changed the actors' play a little, wrote in some stuff about my dad's murder, and when it gets to that scene, I want you to watch my uncle and see if he flinches or blushes or throws up or anything, okay? I'll watch him too, and then later we'll compare notes and see if we agree on the meaning of his reaction, if there is any. If there's not, then I guess the ghost we saw was just jerking my chain.

HORATIO: What, an evil ghost? Nah. Ghosts are good. They tell you where gold is if you find the end of the rainbow.

HAMLET: Uh, no, that would be a leprechaun. And they don't tell you because they want to, they tell you because they're obligated to. They actually resent giving up their pot of gold.

HORATIO: How do you know?

HAMLET: Remember that guy who passed through town a while back? Rich One-Arm Eddie?

HORATIO: Yeah?

HAMLET: Well, how do you think he lost his arm?

HORATIO: Oh.

HAMLET: Yeah.

HORATIO: Um, okay, anyway, I'll keep an eye on your uncle during the play.

enter trumpets and other loud, noisy things, along with the King and Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and other royal-type people, who the hell can keep them all straight?

HAMLET: Okay, here they come. Time for me to play crazy again. Grab a seat.

KING: Hey, how's it goin' there, Hamlet?

HAMLET: I am the very model of a modern major general.

KING: Um?

HAMLET: I'm my own grandpa.

KING: You know, just because you're stringing different words together doesn't mean you're forming coherent sentences.

HAMLET: What are you rambling on about now? to Polonius Hey, didn't you tell me you used to be an actor?

POLONIUS: Yup. I played Riff Raff in a dinner-theater production of Rocky Horror.

HAMLET: I'm seeing you in a whole new light. Are the actors ready?

ROSENCRANTZ: They're waiting for you to shut the hell up so they can start. Sir.

QUEEN: Come sit by me, son.

HAMLET: Nope, I'd rather sit by the cute young girl than you, mom.

POLONIUS: to King Ha! See? Hamlet loves Ophelia! Hamlet loves Ophelia!

HAMLET: to Ophelia Hi! Can I sit on your lap?

OPHELIA: Um . . .

HAMLET: I'll let you rub my tummy.

OPHELIA: Uh . . .

HAMLET: You don't think I mean something dirty, do you?

OPHELIA: I think nothing.

HAMLET: Yeah, I believe it.

OPHELIA: Believe what?

HAMLET: That you think nothing.

OPHELIA: That I think nothing of what?

HAMLET: Exactly.

OPHELIA: You're in a good mood.

HAMLET: Why shouldn't I be? My mom is, and my dad's only been dead, what, like, two hours?

OPHELIA: Two months.

HAMLET: Wow, and we still haven't forgotten him? Damn, we're good. I guess adding gingko biloba to the village water supply paid off after all.

trumpets sound and the play starts. King and Queen actors come on stage acting all lovey-dovey, then the queen leaves, the king goes to sleep, and a creepy, skulking scum-bag walks up to the king, takes his crown and dances around with it, then dumps poison in the king's ears. Just to make sure the audience knows it's poison, the scum-bag holds up the bottle, points to the skull and crossbones, then grins, twitches his eyebrows, and nods. Then he sticks his tongue out at the dead king and does an exaggerated tip-toe off stage. The queen comes back and finds the king, runs away screaming, then comes back with the scum-bag and some other non-important royal-types. The scum-bag gets down on one knee and proposes to the queen, who turns away, turns back, turns away, then turns back again and accepts the proposal. The scum-bag rubs his hands together in an evil cartoon-villain sort of way, then the actors all exit the scene.

OPHELIA: Uh, okay, what was that all about?

HAMLET: What are you, blond?

OPHELIA: Duh.

enter Prologue

HAMLET: This dude here should explain everything. Even to the blonds.

PROLOGUE: Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman! Hee-hee-hee-hee! exits

OPHELIA: Well, that was very enlightening.

HAMLET: He is SO blacklisted.

enter the actor King and actor Queen

ACTOR KING: It's been a whole month since we were married! And I'm still getting laid every night!

ACTOR QUEEN: We'll be together forever! I love you so much! But it seems like you feel bad about something, so I'm afraid. But I love you, so I'm happy! I'll ignore the fear cuz I'm happy!

OPHELIA: Who wrote this crap?

HAMLET: Hey, it's still better than daytime TV, so back off.

ACTOR KING: I have to go do some, like, kingly stuff now, so I'll just be leaving you for a while -

ACTOR QUEEN: Wait, I can't love you! That's disloyal to my dead husband's memory! I don't love you! I don't, I don't! This was a marriage of convenience, yeah, that's it!

HAMLET: Damn straight.

ACTOR KING: Uh, does that mean I'm not gonna get laid anymore?

ACTOR QUEEN: Damn straight.

ACTOR KING: Aw, c'mon, I love ya, baby.

ACTOR QUEEN: No.

ACTOR KING: Oh, fine. I'll be in the royal privy. Where did you put the Victoria's Secret catalogue?

actors exit

HAMLET: So, what did you think?

QUEEN: Oh, I think she'll do him again.

HAMLET: Hmm, not exactly the answer I was looking for. And what did you think, oh King?

KING: I think . . . I think . . . I think I'm going to be sick. Excuse me. Can we get some lights on in here! You actors up there, shut the hell up! Move, move, all of you! King runs from the play, and everyone but Hamlet and Horatio follow.

HORATIO: Gee, I know the play was bad, but actually bad enough to make him sick?

HAMLET: glares at Horatio

HORATIO: Oh. Right.

HAMLET: So, I'd say he's guilty, how about you?

HORATIO: Uh, yeah, I'd say so. Told ya ghosts are good.

HAMLET: The ghost was right! Ghosts are smart!

enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

ROSENCRANTZ: The king is sick as a dog. Puking his guts out.

HAMLET: And this is my problem how?

ROSENCRANTZ: I dunno, but your mother wants to talk to you.

HORATIO: Ooooh, you're in trouble . . .

HAMLET: Okay. Good. Clear the air. That's a good thing.

enter Polonius

POLONIUS: Your mother wants to talk to you!

HAMLET: Yup, a day late and a dollar short, that's what I always say. Don't ever change, Polly.

POLONIUS: Um, I'll tell her you're on your way. exit

HAMLET: Okay, everyone, go away. I feel like talking to myself again. exit all but Hamlet turns to the audience I'm not really talking to myself, you know. This is all for your benefit. This is the part where I'm supposed to let you know that I'm going to go lay into my mother, but I won't hurt her. I say some stuff about drinking hot blood and more stuff about Nero, but if y'all wanted to read all that crap, you'd be reading the original 'Hamlet' and not some hack fanfic writer's parodied version, right? Right. Okay, then. See ya in the next scene.