Hello everyone! I'm back with the next chapter for you all- we're gonna get to see a little more into Matt's first day back, and there's a scene coming I think you all are gonna like. I really enjoyed writing this one, so I hope you all like it as well.
But before we get into it, I want to address a question I've been getting a lot, and that's when I'm gonna get back to writing Whatever Comes Next. I haven't forgotten that story, I promise, I'm just trying to finish the next chapter to If We Never Say Goodbye before I get back into that story. I know some of you miss it, and I do too, but I promise I am gonna be updating that story again when I can. The IWNSG update is just taking me longer than I anticipated, and it has included a lot of rewriting and working through writer's block, but I'm doing my best and I promise as soon as I can, there will be an update for Whatever Comes Next. I don't want you all to think I've abandoned it, because that's not the case at all, I'm just trying to not have so much on my plate at once, writing wise. But I appreciate you all for being so understanding and patient with me on this, and your continued support means everything to me, and it's helped me want to continue posting my stories. So thank you for that.
And thank you for your support on this story as well. I think I've rambled enough, so let's just get into it. I hope you enjoy!
***UPDATE 5/24: Just letting you all know that I won't be able to get the chapter posted today, because I didn't have time to finish it, between this week being super busy and then some rewrites. But I am gonna try and finish it today, so it should be up and posted sometime tomorrow. Probably tomorrow afternoon, around when I normally post on Monday's. Thanks for understanding!
Chapter One Hundred and Thirty Seven
It was quiet in the bunk room as 81's Captain sat at his desk, his pen tapping against the stack of papers in front of him while his leg bounced up and down quickly. There wasn't much for him to do right now, Matt finding out from the reports left on his desk that Garcia had seemed to competently handle covering for him during his absence. More competently than Casey was expecting, as Matt's only task now was to fill out the accident report from the first call this morning. But every time he tried to make any progress on it, it became hard for him to focus, his mind wandering elsewhere every few moments despite how hard he was trying to get this done.
But it was like he couldn't, Matt only able to get a few words down before he'd have to stop, like he was drawing a blank. And he knew a big part of that was because he didn't entirely remember what actually happened out there this morning.
It was a rough scene, that he remembered, but as far as the ins and outs of what went on while they were out there in the street, he was coming up empty. He couldn't remember exactly what had happened and everything he'd done, it almost like the call never even happened.
Though it did. That much he did know. He knew the call happened, if the uneasiness he felt out on the scene was any indication. How the second the rigs got there and he saw the damage, all he could think about was his wife and what had happened to her. How just weeks ago, she'd been in this same position. That, he remembered. But as far as what had actually gone on out there today and the way he ran the call, it was harder for him to put the pieces together.
He wasn't too concerned about it, Matt sure that if he could take a look at Severide's report from the call, that those memories would come back and he could get his work done. That wasn't what he was concerned about right now, but instead his uneasiness came from the way that call left him feeling, and how he hadn't been able to shake it even hours later. All the emotions that came with what happened out there, how eerily similar it had been to what Gabby went through, it wasn't easy to just forget about it. Especially when he was already on edge from being away from his family, and how he didn't necessarily want to be here anyway.
Drawing in a deep breath, Casey let his pen fall down from his hand and onto the desk, his leg continuing to move as his eyes darted towards one of the many pictures covering his office, the sight immediately calming him down as he took in his family. It was a photo from a while ago, back when they first started fostering Caitlyn, before they knew she would be their daughter, but it was one of his favorites. Though, to him, they were all his favorites, as the multiple photos of his girls were able to comfort him like not much else could. And if he wasn't able to physically be with them today, this would have to do.
From that first photo of them and the other family pictures, to the few of just Sofia, and just Caitlyn, to the ones of his three girls, along with the one singular picture of Gabby, as he looked around at the images of his family, he slowly felt himself begin to settle. He felt those nerves flooding his system starting to wear off, his bouncing leg slowly coming to a stop as he took a few minutes to center himself.
But for as much as these few quiet moments had helped him, it wasn't enough to completely let go of the feeling that had been creeping up on him ever since he got to work this morning. The one he'd tried to push down and ignore, the same one telling him that he just wanted to go home. How this firehouse was quite honestly the last place he wanted to be right now, and he'd much rather be at home with his family where he could keep an eye on them, and know for sure that they were alright; which was something he couldn't do here.
But he knew he couldn't. He couldn't go home, no matter how much he wanted to, as he'd made a commitment to Boden, and Gabby, and everyone else that he'd come and be here today, and he couldn't go back on it now.
Stretching out his back against his chair, Matt continued looking at the photos decorating his quarters, his gaze refocusing on the one of Gabby for a few lingering moments before he huffed out a heavy breath, Casey hastily reaching into his pocket for his phone. If he couldn't be at home with them, he knew he could at least call them, Matt knowing he'd feel a lot better if he could speak to his wife and his girls for a couple minutes.
But after dialing her number and putting his phone up to his ear, he waited and waited for an answer, but all he got was the continued ring of waiting for her to answer the call, until her voicemail finally came through. Releasing a soft sigh, he hung up the call and went to his messages, Matt clicking on her name before he began typing out a message, while doing all he could to ignore the rising anxiousness in his gut.
He didn't want to let himself get worked up, as there were plenty of reasons for why she wouldn't answer him; she could be sleeping, or her phone could be on the charger. She could be playing or doing something with the girls and couldn't get to her phone, there were a hundred different explanations for why she hadn't answered him. But despite the rationality of it, he still couldn't help but worry, and that feeling of just wanting to go home to his family only increased by the second.
'Hey babe, just wanted to check in. I hope you all are doing okay at home, it's been a pretty slow day here so far. But I can tell you more about it later, just give me a call when you get this. Give the girls hugs and kisses for me, I love you guys.'
He barely had a chance to finish getting the words out before the bells rang out above his head, Matt listening to all companies be called out before they began to rattle off another car accident involving a truck, the man breathing in deeply before shoving his phone into his pocket and hurrying out of his office, knowing he had work to focus on now.
With his long strides, he was able to get to the garage rather quickly, Casey not passing much of anyone as they were all coming from the common room. It wasn't until he was out on the apparatus floor that he began to cross paths with his friends, Matt taking a quick look around before he started heading towards 81.
"Hey Casey."
Matt stopped in his tracks just as he walked by the front of squad when he heard his name, his eyes moving towards the voice he recognized well, the Captain finding Severide's curious gaze focused on him while he got his gear on.
"Hmm?" He hummed, knowing they didn't have much time to get out of here, Matt noticing the way Kelly's eyes darted around before he spoke up.
"...You okay to do this, man?" He questioned, Severide not missing the immediate confusion that covered his friends face. "You good to do this call?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Casey asked back, his words holding an almost defensive edge to them, combined with the clear uncertainty he felt as he waited for Kelly to elaborate.
But he never did, the Lieutenant staying quiet for a few prolonged seconds, like he was trying to decide if he should say more or not, before ultimately deciding not to.
"Just checking." He answered lightly, Matt pausing before he gave him a slight nod, the men soon going their separate ways so they could finish getting ready to head out into the city.
"Alright, Severide you and squad get to work on stabilizing that truck, Casey, you and 81 hang back until everything is secure." Boden shouted orders as soon as they got to the scene, both men nodding before Kelly and his men began to round up all their gear and hurry over towards the accident.
Though no one could be sure what happened, all they knew is they were staring at a truck that was partially on top of another car that had been on the side of the road, the large vehicle currently halfway up in the air. From the looks of it, the only victim was the one driver, but considering the truck was resting on an angle, and looked seconds away from toppling over to the ground, the firefighters of 51 knew they needed to get the vehicle stabilized before going any further.
"Severide, how's it looking?" Boden called out.
"We need some extra hands, Chief!" He yelled back, Boden gripping his radio before glancing at Casey. "They guy is unconscious and bleeding pretty bad from what we can tell, but we need more airbags and cribbing."
"Truck, go." The Chief ordered, Casey nodding before he and his firefighters rounded up the supplies and hurried closer to the scene.
"Where do you need us, Severide?" Matt asked as he handed the few pieces of cribbing to Cruz, Kelly shaking his head as he took a slight step back.
"Just drop the stuff off and get back over by 81, I'm not sure if all this is gonna hold." He told him, Matt nodding before he relayed the information to his crew, quickly informing them to get back as soon as they could. Though, as their Captain, Casey stayed put, knowing that he needed to be the last of truck 81 to leave the scene.
"Severide?" Boden called once more, clearly looking for an update on the situation.
"Working on it Chief." Kelly replied, the man grimacing as he couldn't shake the bad feeling in his gut as he watched his men try and stabilize this vehicle. "I'm not sure if we have enough, whatever this guy was carrying weighs a lot… But we can't wait much longer to get in there, he's been unresponsive this entire time."
While Severide and Boden spoke back and forth, Matt made sure to keep his attention on his firefighters as they did all they could to help. But as the seconds passed, he found his mind starting to wander, his eyes slowly going out of focus as he was barely registering what was being said around him. That is until one simple sentence from Severide triggered memories deep within his mind, causing his entire body to tighten as his thoughts went back to that day, images of his wife's body trapped underneath that gurney in the back of the ambulance the only thing he could see.
"We need to get him out!"
"We just need to get her out!"
"Don't touch her, we can't move her yet! … We need a collar, we have to get her out!"
"I don't want to hurt her… I don't want to hurt her."
"Everybody get back!- Casey!" Severide shouted, Matt startling out of his thoughts as his eyes snapped into focus, the Captain suddenly realizing all their efforts at supporting the truck had failed, as the vehicle was beginning to tip towards the ground; right where he was standing.
And, in that moment, it was like his body was frozen. Like he couldn't move, and his instincts were gone, everything moving in slow motion as the truck began to fall towards him.
He expected a crash. He expected pain to flood his body, as even once his instincts kicked in, there was no way for him to get clear in time. But that never came, as before he could even register what was happening, his body was tackled to the ground, Severide and Casey both landing full force against the harsh pavement just as the truck crashed down onto the street.
A searing pain shot through Matt's arm up to his shoulder from where he landed, his helmet flying off in the fall, but with all the discomfort he felt right now, it was nothing compared to what could've happened had Kelly not got to him in time. And as they laid there on the street, it began to sink in just how close of a call that was.
"Casey! Severide!"
"We're good! We're good, Chief." Kelly coughed out before looking towards his friend as he began to push himself up off the ground, Matt's eyes darting around before he found Severide's gaze, the worried look on his best friend's face hard to miss. "...We're good, right?" He asked, his voice much quieter than before, Casey drawing in a deep breath before he nodded.
"Alright, Kidd, Herrmann, get up there and check on the driver." Boden began to relay new orders, giving his officers a minute to catch their breath after nearly being crushed by that truck, knowing that while what just happened needed to be dealt with, they had a victim they needed to worry about first. Everything else could wait.
While other members of 51 went to work on helping get the unconscious driver safely out of the vehicle, Matt and Kelly slowly got up off the ground, Mouch helping to brush them off before Severide gave him the signal that they were good. Once on both his feet, Matt began to move his arm around, doing what he could to loosen up his shoulder as a slight grimace tugged on his lips, parts of his body feeling like they were on fire with each move he made. But as the seconds passed, he began to feel a little better, Matt shaking his head slightly before he reached down to pick up his helmet, knowing there was still work that needed to be done.
But when he stood back up, it was impossible to miss the way Severide was staring at him, Matt staying quiet as his friend watched him, like he was trying to figure out how much to say right now. Even in the silence, Casey could tell there were words he was holding back, but given the situation they were in, Severide never said them, the Lieutenant reaching down to pick up his own helmet before glancing back towards his friend.
"You good, man?" He settled on, Matt releasing a soft breath he hadn't even realized he was holding before he nodded in response.
"Yeah… Yeah, I'm good." He replied, Kelly giving him a hesitant nod. "...And thank you."
Severide's eyes traced over his face one last time before nodding once more, Kelly patting his shoulder slightly as they began to head back over to the truck, both officers wanting to help wherever they could.
"Well, that certainly was an interesting one." Herrmann huffed out as Casey hopped down from the rig, the men and women beginning to shed their gear from the last call as everyone, aside from 61, had just returned to the station.
"It really was." Kidd chimed in, Matt hardly registering their words as he hung his coat up on the mirror. "But luckily that guy should be okay… Norris was such a pro out there." Stella added, Herrmann releasing a soft scoff as he nodded.
"I'll say. I wasn't kidding when I said she was like Dawson, it's like looking in a mirror."
While Herrmann and Kidd continued their conversation, Matt finished tying up his boots before heading around the front of the rig, the Captain ready to just get back to his office and call Gabby once more, as he hadn't had a chance to check and see if she'd got back to him. But as he passed by the back of squad to get towards the double doors, he didn't get very far before Severide's voice gained his attention.
"Hey Case." He called, Matt looking up to find his friend walking towards him, the Captain's steps slowing down while Severide's sped up.
"What's up?" Matt asked casually, his words earning an immediate unimpressed look from Kelly. And if his tightened gaze was any indication, this conversation wasn't going to be anywhere near as simple as the one back at the scene.
"...Are we really just gonna act like that didn't happen?" He questioned, his firm tone causing Casey to click his tongue against the roof of his mouth before shaking his head, Matt beginning to take a few steps towards the door.
"It was nothing, Kelly."
"Bullshit." He fired back without hesitation, his voice no doubt gaining the attention of some of their coworkers as Matt's neck tensed, the man stopping his steps once more.
"Sev, we don't need to do this right now-"
"You nearly got killed." He continued on, Severide refusing to let it go this time around as Matt drew in a slow, deep breath. "You were somewhere else out there on that call, and you nearly died because of it. We need to talk about it."
"Severide…"
"Casey!" Boden's voice bellowed throughout the garage as he stood across the room, Matt's jaw clenching tightly before he looked the Chief's way, the officer noticing the audience he and Severide had as nearly everyone had come around the rigs and were watching them. "My office."
His words were relatively calm, but Casey knew better than to test it as he simply gave his boss a nod before heading for the closest set of double doors, Boden heading inside as well while leaving everyone else out on the apparatus floor. There was a thick tension looming in the air, everyone aware of what had happened out on their last call, but unsure of what to make of it, Kelly huffing out a heavy breath before he turned back around to face the group.
"...Are we sure he's alright?" Cruz was the first to speak up, all eyes falling on Severide while the Lieutenant thought over his next words carefully, fighting off the urge to just blurt out the words on the tip of his tongue.
"I… I don't know." He finally answered, shaking his head in uncertainty before his hand came up to grip the back of his neck, his eyes finding Stella's before he continued on. "Being here, it's a lot for him… and I'm starting to think he might've come back too soon."
Inside the firehouse, Casey made the long trek to Boden's office, his steps small and slow as he wasn't necessarily eager for whatever conversation was coming his way. He knew he messed up, he let himself get distracted out there, and there was no telling how the Chief would react, as Casey knew the last thing he could do as a Captain was check out like that. So whatever anger and reprimanding was coming his way, he knew he deserved it, though that knowledge didn't make it any easier.
When he got into the bullpen, his gaze immediately moved towards Boden's office, Matt finding his boss already seated at his desk, clearly finding something to do while Casey had taken his time getting here. But there was no more wasting time now, Matt breathing in deeply before stepping in through the open doorway.
"Chief." He spoke up, Boden's eyes lifting up from the papers in front of him before nodding him in.
"Shut the door, Casey." The Chief said, Matt complying before taking a few more steps into the office, Boden nodding towards the chair as a sign for him to sit down. And once he did, a heavy feeling settled in the air, Casey all but avoiding his eye contact while Boden's gaze stayed focused on him, neither of them saying a word. Silence was something Matt wasn't expecting, the Captain unsure of whether his Chief was waiting for an explanation from him, or if he was just trying to figure out what to say. But considering Boden was not one to be at a loss for words, he assumed it was the first one, Matt sighing softly before he finally looked up.
"Chief, I'm sorry about earlier, I-"
"Are you okay to be here?"
The soft tone to his voice caught Casey off guard, Matt raising his eyebrows in near confusion as a concerned look shined in Boden's eyes. One that hadn't been there moments prior when he first got here, Casey pursing his lips together in deep thought before eventually answering.
"I'm fine, Chief." He spoke simply, like the older man had no reason to even ask the question. Though they both knew that wasn't the case.
"I don't know if I believe that." He replied, his hands clasped together as they rested in front of him on his desk, Boden's eyes trailing over Casey as he took in the exhausted man sitting across from him. It was something he noticed the second Matt got here this morning, that his Captain certainly did not seem as well-rested as he would hope. But sitting here now, it was clearly more than that.
Something was going on with Casey. And, whatever it was, Boden wasn't willing to risk it.
"I promise, I'm fine." Matt tried once more, but Boden wasn't buying it.
"I really don't think you are, Casey." Boden replied, an immediate look of surprise covering Matt's face at the bluntness of his boss' words. But it was one that soon faded, as both men knew there was some truth to what Boden was saying. "Severide told me what happened on that first call today." He continued on, Matt's face faltering before he could stop it, his jaw tightening as he swallowed the thick lump forming in his throat. "And at first, him and I both thought that it just might be rust. That you were needing a moment to get back into the swing of things since you were gone for so long… But then after what just happened-" The Chief stopped himself, his head shaking from side to side. "You were somewhere else entirely out there on that call, and it could've cost you your life. I know you don't like what Severide said, but he's right… Your head isn't in this right now."
"Chief-"
"I think you should go home." He cut him off, Matt's face remaining blank as Boden followed up his words with a firm nod. "There's obviously a lot you're focused on right now, a lot that has nothing to do with this job, and that's how people get hurt. You know that." Boden said, Casey beginning to gnaw on his bottom look as he saw the quick flash of sympathy that flickered in the Chief's eyes. "And after everything that's happened, I don't blame you for that. But still, you can't work unless you're completely focused on the job… So, until you're able to be here, and do your job without this happening, I don't think you need to be working."
Matt said nothing as the Chief's words hung in the air between them, an unreadable expression covering the Captain's face as Boden gave him a few moments to truly hear what he was saying, before he finally continued.
"I think it's in everyone's best interest if you go home, and take some more time before coming back… I'll speak with Herrmann, and he'll be able to cover for you this shift. And we'll get someone in here until you're ready to be back, but we both know you're not ready right now. So I think you should go home, Captain."
"Chief…"
"Go home to your family, Matt." Boden replied softly, Casey blinking tightly as a compassionate look shined in the Chief's eyes, not more words needing to be said between them before Matt slowly nodded, the man pushing himself up from his seat and beginning to head for the door.
A part of him was relieved, as this entire day Matt wanted nothing more than to be at home with his girls, the firefighter knowing Boden was right in him not being ready to be here. He never should've come today, he wasn't ready, but instead of being honest about that, he tried to push through. And it was almost catastrophic. So for the most part, despite his instinct to push back, he was happy to be sent home, and he knew it was for the best, for the safety of everyone involved. That wasn't his problem.
The problem was, he wasn't sure what he was going to tell Gabby.
"Mija, sit down, sit down, before you hurt yourself." Ramon chastised as he dropped the plastic kid's plate from their afternoon snack down into the soapy water in the sink before hurrying over to his little girl as she was making her way into the kitchen, Gabby shaking her head lightly as she continued her path.
"Papa, I'm just bringing my plate over, I'm fine… And you know I'm supposed to be up and moving around, yeah?" She asked him softly, Ramon waving her off before grabbing the plate from her and gently guiding her back towards the living room.
"Well, I'd say you were up and moving around plenty today." He countered, Gabby sighing softly just as he pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "I'm serious, Gabriela, you did a lot today and the last thing you need is to over-exert yourself." He continued on as he spoke of the small walk the two of them, and the girls, had taken this afternoon. "So just sit down, and let me take care of this, alright? That's what I'm here for."
"Yeah Mommy, sit with me." Caitlyn piped up from her position on the sofa, the five year old smiling wide while her baby sister played with a few dolls as she sat on the ground in front of her. "It's the bestest part of the movie." She added innocently, Ramon's smile widening before he caught his daughter's eye.
"See? Gabriela, it's the bestest part." He repeated the little girl's words, Gabby shaking her head lightly before giving her father a reluctant nod.
"Alright, alright, fine." She gave in, Ramon not leaving her side until she was resting comfortably on the couch, Caitlyn immediately tucking herself into Gabby while the older man headed back towards the kitchen.
"Mommy, look! The princess is so pretty." Caitlyn spoke in awe as she watched the movie they had to have seen at least fifty times. Though the girl's reaction never changed, as Caitlyn was just as captivated every time she watched it.
"She is, baby. Just like you." She murmured, a wide smile covering Caity's face before she dug herself deeper into her mom's side, her arms curled together against the side of Gabby's chest while they both continued watching the movie, Sofia still more intrigued by her own toys than by anything going on around them.
While they were cuddled together on the couch, Gabby's eyebrows furrowed when she heard a noise over by the front door, her attention moving in that direction as she registered what sounded like the door being unlocked. Assuming it was Becca returning from the errands she'd left to go run this afternoon, Gabby didn't think much of it, the mother returning her attention to TV across the room. But when the door opened and the person stepped inside, it took only seconds for Gabby to realize it wasn't their nanny at all, a deep look of confusion settling across her features when she saw her husband walk into their home.
"Matt?" Gabby questioned, her voice loud enough to gain the attention of everyone in the room as Caitlyn and Ramon both looked over towards the door, while Sofia looked back up at her mom.
"Daddy!" Caitlyn spoke happily as Casey shut the door behind him, securing the lock in place before dropping his shift bag down on the ground in the entryway, all while Caity scrambled down off the couch and hurried towards her dad. "Daddy's home!"
"Hi princess." He greeted with a soft smile, the commotion causing Sofia to finally look over towards the door before a loud shriek of excitement left her lips, the baby following in her sister's footsteps as she got up off the ground as quickly as she could and all but ran over to her dad.
"Dada! Dada!"
"Hi my other princess." He replied as she squatted down towards the ground, Caitlyn latching herself onto one side while Sofia went to the other, Matt giving both his girls tight hugs as they greeted him.
While Casey was with the kids, Gabby slowly pushed herself up to sit on the edge of the couch, the woman pausing their movie before her eyes moved back towards the kitchen to find her father wearing the same look of confusion she was. The two Dawson's locked eyes for a moment, Ramon clearly searching for an answer as to if Gabby knew he was coming home early, but the daughter merely shook her head before returning her attention back towards Matt.
His focus was mostly on the kids, Casey peppering their faces with kisses as Gabby tried to get a read on him. She wasn't sure why he was here, as it was nowhere near time for him to be home yet, Gabby knowing that could only mean one of a few things as to why he'd left shift early. He had either decided to come home, or he'd been sent home, and neither of those reasons were necessarily comforting as a strong sense of worry started to fill her gut.
"You're home!" Caity spoke through her laughter, Matt's continuous kisses causing both girls to giggle uncontrollably as they were just happy to be with their dad.
"Yeah baby, I'm home." He replied after pulling back slightly, a soft sigh escaping his lips before he finally looked over towards his wife, finding nothing but concern and uncertainty waiting for him.
"Was work fun? Did you go on the firetruck?" Caitlyn continued to ask, clearly not picking up on how it was odd for him to be home at this time. Though she'd been told he wasn't supposed to come home until tomorrow morning, that knowledge hadn't stuck, and all she knew now was she was excited to have her Daddy home.
"Yeah, I did." He answered with a soft smile, Matt pressing a kiss to her head, as well as Sofia's before he slowly stood up. "What about you all, have you had a good day?" He asked, Caitlyn nodding happily as she looked back towards her mom, not noticing the unsure look on Gabby's face.
"Yeah! We played games, and had a nap, and watched movies. But we missed you." She spoke as she went through their day, or at least the part Matt hadn't been here for. "Sof missed you lots, she was sad." She continued on, Matt frowning softly as his eyes moved towards his youngest, the baby currently gripping onto his leg as tightly as she could. "She cried, but Abuelo came and she was happy." She told him, the bright smile returning to her face as Matt gave her a small smile.
"Well, I'm glad everyone's okay now." He replied, Caitlyn nodding before she hurried back over to her mom, Matt moving his attention to his youngest as he wanted to make sure she was alright. "Sof I'm sorry I was gone, baby." He murmured, reaching down to run his hand through her unruly curls.
"Dada." She spoke, her little hands holding onto his pants with as much strength as she had, before she let go and lifted her arms up in the air. "Up! Up!" She requested, the single word being what she used every time she wanted to be picked up, Matt smiling softly before he nodded. "Up! Dada!"
"Yeah, I got you, come here sweetheart." He spoke before reaching down to pick her up, Sofia immediately nuzzling herself into him as she relaxed in her dad's arms. "I missed you too, I missed all of you." He continued as he ran his hand over his back, Matt's eyes meeting Gabby's just as he began walking towards the couch.
"What are you doing here, babe?" Gabby asked as he got closer, her words mixed with that same confusion she'd felt ever since he came home, Matt drawing in a deep breath before placing himself down on the couch with Sofia still in his arms.
"I, well… Boden sent me home." He answered softly, though Gabby and Ramon both could hear his words, worry immediately flooding Gabby's body as her eyes began to trace over him, like she was looking for any visible sign of what was wrong with him.
"What? Are you okay?" She asked quickly, the urgency in her words not going unnoticed by Caitlyn as she too looked at her dad. "Did you get hurt?"
"Daddy's hurt?" Caitlyn asked with wide eyes, her entire body tensing as she looked desperately back and forth between her parents.
"No, no baby I'm not." Matt immediately assured her, assured the both of them, as the last thing he wanted was to worry either of his girls. Gabby, for obvious reasons, but also Caitlyn, because of what her mom had just gone through; the last thing he wanted was for either of them to think he was injured when he wasn't. Aside from his shoulder still feeling a little sore, he was fine, and he didn't want them thinking otherwise. "I'm not hurt, everything's fine." He repeated, Caitlyn nodding slowly before she began to calm down, Gabby's nerves settling slightly as well.
"I don't want you hurt, Daddy."
"I know, Caity. But I'm not hurt, I'm fine." He repeated with a warm smile, Matt reaching out to rub her arm comfortingly as he didn't want her worrying about him; he didn't want either of them worrying.
"Why'd Boden send you home?" Gabby asked softly, her voice a little more calm now that she'd gotten the assurance that he wasn't physically hurt, but she still wanted answers.
Taking another deep breath, Matt's eyes flickered across the room towards Ramon, seeing the man who was like a father to him watching him with a deep look of concern, Casey biting down on the inside of his cheek before his gaze moved back to Gabby.
"What's going on?" She asked once more when he had yet to answer her, Matt running his hand along Sofia's back as she sat on his leg, the husband pausing for a moment before he spoke up.
"He, uh- He didn't think I was ready to be back." He replied honestly, his words hanging in the air around them as Gabby's eyes stayed focused on him. "And… he's right."
An unreadable expression covered her face, Gabby's lips parting like she was going to respond, before she slowly closed them back, a soft breath escaping from the back of her throat as her eyebrows knitted together.
She wasn't sure what to say to him, not with the girls and her dad here, as a hundred different emotions seemed to flood through her at once. Ones she really didn't know what to do with as she forced herself to take a steadying breath, Matt giving her a weak, yet unsure smile as Sofia continued to lean into him.
"I- … What do you mean, Matt?" Gabby finally asked, watching as he pursed his lips together before his eyes moved back towards her dad. It was only for a split second, but in that moment she realized what was going through his mind, Matt quickly looking back to their girls before finding Gabby's gaze again.
"...Can we talk about this later?" He asked quietly, Gabby forcing herself to take a deep breath as she tried to push down the growing worry in her gut. "I'm fine, but can we just talk later?" He assured her, Gabby biting down on her lip before she nodded.
She wanted to know what was going on with him, she'd wanted to know that for days now, but she also knew that with an audience, he likely wouldn't be as truthful as she'd need him to be. He'd hold back, and not feel comfortable opening up if more people than just her were around, and that was the last thing she wanted. So she agreed, Gabby alright now in just knowing that he was okay, for the most part at least.
And when the time came, hopefully she'd be able to help with whatever was going on with him.
Casey released a long, soft breath as he slowly pulled Sofia's door halfway shut, the father moving quietly as he didn't want to risk waking the baby that had struggled to be put to bed. And he also didn't want to risk waking Caitlyn, either, as it had been a bit of a task to get both of them to sleep. He wasn't sure why, as usually they didn't put up much of a fight, but for whatever reason tonight had been different, both children struggling with going to bed for the evening. But, after the long day they'd had, he was just glad they were both now finally asleep.
It hadn't been a hard day after Matt had come home, not by any means, as the rest of their afternoon and evening together had gone smoothly. But it was still a shift from their normal routine, and under the circumstances, even the good days were still draining. For Gabby and Matt both, as well as the kids. But, overall, everything had gone rather well, and a lot of that came from all the help they had.
While they let Becca go home rather early today, as they had so many extra hands, Ramon had stayed all the way through dinner and a little after, the grandfather helping keep the kids entertained as well as keep the mood light around them, which was much appreciated given what was hanging over their heads. And on top of that, he'd also insisted on preparing dinner for all of them, with Caitlyn's help, Ramon making them a delicious meal that all of them enjoyed, even Sofia, as well as cleaning up afterwards without a thought. And while it was not at all expected, it had helped the parents out so much, Ramon not only cleaning up the kitchen but also picking up the living room a bit before heading home for the evening, while the rest of the family got ready for bed.
Since giving the girls a bath was a little too much for Gabby to be doing just yet, with the constant bending over, it was on Matt to get the girls cleaned up and ready for bed. But before completing that task, he had got Gabby set up in a bath of her own, Matt preparing the water just how she liked it before helping her in and letting her get situated.
But when Sofia caught wind of her mom taking a bath, she was much more interested in joining her than going upstairs. So as to try and avoid a meltdown, with Gabby's permission, Matt got Sofia ready to join her mother for her bath before he went upstairs to supervise Caitlyn. And overall, it had all gone fine, Matt able to help Caitlyn get cleaned up and ready for bed before heading back downstairs and going through the same process with Sofia, while letting Gabby relax on her own for a little while longer.
All in all, it had been a pretty easy day, aside from bedtime. But even though Sofia woke up crying a few times, he hoped this time would be different, as after rocking her for nearly half an hour she'd finally fallen back asleep. And, God willing, she'd stay asleep until the morning, Matt huffing out a heavy breath as he made his way downstairs.
And, just as it was upstairs, it was completely quiet down here as well, Matt going through his usual routine of checking all the doors and the garage to make sure they were shut and locked, as well as drawing all the curtains closed, Casey needing the assurance they were completely secure in their home before heading for the bedroom.
Though the closer he got to the door, the more the heavy feeling in his gut made itself known, Matt well aware of the conversations that were likely to be had soon after stepping foot into that room. They were discussions that needed to be had, he knew that, especially after they'd gone the entire day without it coming up again, but that still didn't make it any easier for him to talk about. And he wasn't sure how Gabby would handle it, either. But, with as much as this was affecting him, he knew he couldn't hold back for her sake any longer; Severide and Boden were right, what happened today never should've happened.
Which, admittedly, was all on him.
He should've told her what was going on, he never should have tried to push through his hesitance and uncertainty about going to work, because doing that nearly cost him everything. Today was a close call, but he was lucky that's all it was. He could've been seriously hurt, and he wasn't blind to that. But he also never should've been in that position in the first place, as Matt knew from the start he wasn't ready for this. And truthfully, he wasn't sure when he would be. That's something he'd have to figure out, and likely figure out with Gabby.
But first, she needed to know what was going on.
After turning off the light going down the hallway, Matt stepped into their bedroom, his eyes immediately moving towards the bed where he expected Gabby to be, but she was nowhere in sight. With furrowed brows he took another step into their room, his gaze moving around before landing on the bathroom door when he heard movement coming from that direction, Matt looking just as Gabby appeared in the doorway. A small smile graced his lips when she looked at him, Gabby mimicking the gesture before she turned the light off.
"Sof get back to sleep?" She asked softly, Matt nodding as he watched her continue towards the bed, Gabby in her frequent sleep attire of one of his t-shirts and a pair of underwear, her body moving slowly as she sat down on the edge of the mattress.
"She did, yeah… and Caity's still asleep. So hopefully they'll sleep the rest of the night." He answered her, Gabby nodding in response as he walked the last few steps towards the bed, Casey standing in front of her with his arms hanging down by his sides.
The familiar uncertainty settled around them once more, both unsure of what to say next as they watched one another, Gabby finally being the one to break the silence as she breathed in deeply, before finally speaking up.
"So, uh… you wanna tell me what happened today?" She asked, her voice almost cautious like she wasn't sure what to expect from him, Matt pursing his lips together before he gave her a slow nod, the husband sitting down on his side of the bed as he thought over how to respond to her.
"I guess, it um… It was a few things." He started, Gabby nodding encouragingly as she just wanted him to finally let her in. "When I got there, to the firehouse, it was like it was the last place I wanted to be." He admitted, her face falling as he continued on. "All I kept thinking about was the accident, and what happened… being away from you, and the girls. I just didn't want to be there, but I told everyone I would be, so I stayed." He breathed out, seeing the unmistakable look of sadness that flickered in her eyes. "But I shouldn't have, and the few calls I went on, I just-"
Casey cut himself off, the man shaking his head roughly as his eyes moved down towards the comforter, Gabby blinking back the forming tears in her eyes before she slid her way over to him, placing her hand on his leg before giving his skin a gentle squeeze.
"What happened, Matt?"
Her soft voice hit his ears, Matt releasing another slow breath before finally looking back up at her, the two watching each other for a moment until he began to explain to her what happened. From him freezing on the first call, to how things were for him back at the firehouse, to the diasterously close call during his second trip out of the firehouse that stemmed from his thoughts of her accident, to Boden's talk with him; he told her all of it. Though it wasn't lost on him how increasingly worried she became hearing about what had happened with the truck, and Kelly pushing him out of the way. But still, he told her everything, Matt leaving nothing out as he placed his hand over hers.
"And after all of it, I just… Part of me wanted to stay and push through, to prove that I could, but I know Boden was right. Kelly was, too.. I had no business being on shift today, I never should've gone back. I wasn't ready to go back to work, but I did anyway." He said, Matt feeling a slight weight lift from his shoulders as he spoke. "I just… don't think I'm far enough past all this yet to go back there."
But it was clear Gabby didn't feel the same way, all the relief he felt in this moment being the complete opposite of the guilt slowly eating away at her, the woman shaking her head slightly before she spoke up.
"I'm sorry, Matt." She whispered, the two continuing to watch one another as he waited for her to say whatever was on her mind. "I… I knew something was going on with you, that you were holding something back from me, I just didn't know what it was. But I didn't realize-" She cut herself off, Gabby shaking her head slightly. "I didn't know it's because you didn't feel ready to go back to work, I just thought it's because you were worried about me." She finished, earning an understanding nod from her husband as he gave her a weak smile.
"Well, to be fair I am worried about you, I'm always worried, but this… it's more about me, than you." He admitted, Gabby breathing in deeply before she nodded. "But I just… I wasn't ready." He repeated, that awful feeling in her gut only getting worse.
"I'm sorry." She repeated, though the tone in her voice was different this time, Matt picking up on what sounded like regret as his eyebrows furrowed deeply. "This is my fault." She added, his face falling before he immediately shook his head.
"Gabby, no it's not-"
"Yes, it is." She cut him off, Matt fighting off his instincts to correct her once more as he knew she needed to just get this off her chest before they could deal with it. "I pushed you to go back, and I shouldn't have. I made you go and you weren't ready… And I think a part of you was trying to tell me that, but I didn't realize. Then you almost got hurt because of it."
"Baby, that's not on you." He interrupted, unable to listen to her blame herself any longer. "You didn't make me go, I could've told you what was going on and I didn't… So if this is on anyone, it's me, not you." He spoke strongly, Matt hating the tears he saw hiding in her eyes. "You were just trying to help me."
"Yeah, but I wouldn't let it go." She countered, Matt pursing his lips together. "I had no idea you were feeling this way, but I still pushed you. You weren't ready to work, and honestly I don't think I was ready for you to, either." She admitted, Gabby not missing the slight look of surprise that covered his features, Matt clearly waiting for her to elaborate. "I… It was hard, knowing you were there." She told him, Gabby stopping herself once more as she tried to make sense of the thoughts in her head. "After my accident, when you were gone today, it was hard not to think about something happening and me not being there… And it kind of worried me a little bit, so I don't think any of us were ready for this today, me, you, or the girls, but I pushed you to do it. And I'm sorry."
"It's okay." He responded, Gabby drawing in a deep breath before she nodded. "But I just want to make it clear that I don't blame you for this, alright? You had no way to know what all was going on… Like I said, I should've told you, and I'm sorry that I didn't. But that's not on you, you were just trying to do what you thought was best." He reminded her, Gabby running her tongue along the inside of her cheek before she slowly nodded. "And I'm sorry that today was hard for you too, baby… But I think you're right, I don't think either of us were ready for this. I think we both just need some more time."
"Yeah, we do." She murmured, Matt giving her a weak smile in return before squeezing the top of her hand gently. "I guess today would've been easier on the both of us had you just stayed home." She added lightly, Casey drawing in a slow, deep breath before he nodded. "But, uh… can I ask you something?"
"Of course." He answered without thought, Gabby hesitating for a moment before she spoke up.
"...When you said you weren't far enough past all this, what did you mean?" She questioned, his words from minutes ago still circling in her mind, Matt roughly biting down on the inside of his cheek as gaze moved away from her. "Like you're not past the accident?" Gabby asked him softly, just trying to understand what was going on in his head.
She knew he'd gone through a lot with all of this, especially before she'd woken up, Gabby having heard some of what all had happened to her while she was unconscious, and she could only imagine how much all of that had hurt him. In fact she'd seen how much it had hurt him, just like earlier today when she'd seen how much it had hurt Caitlyn, too. But even past that, from his own admission, she knew as recently today the events of her accident were still haunting him. But she wanted to hear, from him, what exactly was going on in his head, and if there was anything she could do to help him.
"I, uh… yeah." He answered after a moment, Gabby nodding slowly as she waited for him to continue, the air clearly shifting around them as Matt was struggling with the focus now being back on him. "The accident, the hospital… all of it, I guess." He said, Matt doing what he could to gather his thoughts, knowing he needed to be honest with her. He'd held back for too long, Matt not wanting to make this harder on her than it had been already, but he couldn't do that anymore. It wasn't fair to her, and it wasn't fair to him, either. "It's all just been hard, and I-" He cut himself off, a deep look of worry clouding her features as she gently reached out to grab ahold of his chin and make him look at her.
"Matt…"
"I'm not okay right now, Gabby."
He blurted the words out quicker than he could stop them, both of them taken aback by his admission, the vulnerability in his voice breaking her heart all over again.
"I'm not handling any of this well, and I… I don't know what to do about it. There are some moments it feels like I can't function, because of what happened to you." He spoke quickly, his mouth barely able to keep up with his mind. "And I know I should've told you sooner, I shouldn't have hid it, but everything that happened- you getting hurt, and when I almost lost you, it's been so much. It's been too much, and I haven't been handling it, at all." He breathed out, Gabby unable to miss just how much pain he was in, Matt gripping her hand tighter before his next admission came. "And I've… I've been having trouble sleeping, some nightmares I guess, because of it… About losing you." He told her, tears instantly flooding her eyes as she had no idea just how badly her husband was hurting. How he'd been going through all of this and she didn't know. "And it's like no matter what I do, I can't get them to stop. And I think I spent so much time while you were recovering just trying to focus on you, and you getting better, that I didn't really stop to deal with any of this. I just pushed it all aside and focused on you and the girls." He ranted out, Gabby doing her best to keep up with him despite the shock in her system.
"But then once you were home, and I could see you getting better, it's like everything I hadn't dealt with just all came back… And I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this feeling go away." He nearly cried out, his frustration and fear morphing into the broken man she saw in front of her, Gabby struggling to keep it together as well.
"Baby, why didn't you tell me?" She asked, her voice not masking the hurt she was feeling as she hated to see Matt this way.
"I don't know, I just- I didn't want to make this harder. Especially when I know you're getting better. And I was hoping that it would stop, that this nightmare would stop but it hasn't. And it's killing me… But I can't get it out of my head."
"Matt-"
"I watched you die, Gabby." He choked out, tears flooding down both their cheeks as he said the words he'd been avoiding, his head shaking roughly from side to side as a heavy breath got caught in her throat. "The girls and I, we watched you die." He repeated, Gabby having to push down the pain in her chest as she hated the thought of how much suffering she'd put her family through. "I saw you die, more than once… And it's all I can think about."
She kept her teary eyes on him as he slowly began to fall apart in front of her, his jaw trembling as she watched more tears escape down his skin, Gabby quickly releasing the hold on his hand before she wrapped her arms around him, Matt all but collapsing into her chest. His cries were soft, but they were enough to break her all the same, Gabby hating to hear him in so much pain as she cradled the back of his head.
"It's all I can think about." He repeated, his words muffled as she tightened her grip on him, Gabby sliding her hand down to his neck while her other stayed wrapped around him.
"It's okay." She murmured, pressing her lips against the top of his head as a source of comfort. "It's okay, baby, we're okay… I'm okay, I'm right here."
She repeated those words, and others like it, over and over as she felt him tighten his hold around her waist, Gabby unable to keep her own tears at bay as her usually strong and stoic husband broke down in her arms. But a part of her was thankful he had finally dropped those walls around himself, as she hated the idea of him holding onto all of this on his own.
What they'd gone through with that accident, the destruction it caused, that wasn't something any of them could go through alone, and she refused to let him. He wasn't okay right now, neither of them were, and they were a long way from it. But this right here was a step in the right direction, because for as hard as it was, nothing would get better if he kept hiding his feelings from her in an attempt to spare her. That wouldn't help either of them, and hopefully, now that it was all out in the open, they'd be able to start truly moving past it.
Even if they needed a little extra help.
"We're okay, I promise we're gonna be okay." She murmured, pressing another kiss to his head. "I'm right here, Matt… I'll always be right here."