After a long day at the courthouse a few weeks later, Alex was looking forward to being able to go home and get some dinner and some rest. Robert's caseload had been even more intense than hers lately, and she knew that she'd be alone in the house, but that was fine; as horrible as it sounded, she didn't really feel up to having to deal with her fiancé.

"Alex?" she heard a voice call just as she reached the front doors and turned to see Elliot behind her. "Hey, I thought that was you."

"Yeah, I'm finally on my way out of here. How about you?"

"Just finished with a grand jury. Looking forward to dinner and perhaps a movie back at home."

"Sounds like a good plan. I probably should pick something up on the way home; I'd feel bad making Robert's cook make something just for me."

"He's got a cook?" Alex just smiled. "Wait, so you're going back to an empty house?"

"Well, Robert won't be there, but there's still his cook and housekeeper and all."

"Why don't you come back to my place for a bit, then?" He saw her hesitate. "Come on, you can get a free meal and let me beat up on you in backgammon."

"That's a hell of a sales pitch you've got, there, Stabler."

He laughed. "Thanks, I try. Seriously, though. What sense does it make for both of us to spend the evening all by ourselves? Just for a couple hours. I'll get you home before you turn into a pumpkin."

Alex finally nodded. "Okay. Let's go."

They both decided against actually having to cook and instead picked up Chinese from a restaurant down the street from Elliot's apartment. Elliot got the backgammon game while Alex sorted out their containers and napkins and chopsticks.

"I've missed this," Elliot said as he sat down, watching Alex roll the dice for the first time.

She smiled. "Olivia won't play with you?"

"Nah, it's no fun. I always kick her ass even worse than I do yours."

Alex rolled her eyes as she sat back in her chair, picking up her takeout container. "Poor thing. Why don't you play with Munch?"

"And have to listen to him spout his latest conspiracy garbage? No thanks."

She smiled. "So should I ask why Olivia's off somewhere that you're not?"

"No," Elliot flatly replied. Alex raised an eyebrow. "It's complicated," he finally added.

"That's nothing new," she replied with a little grin.

"It is for me. I just…things aren't supposed to be this hard. Besides visits with my kids, Liv and my job are all I've got."

"Does she know that?"

Elliot smiled, albeit a little bitterly. "Yeah. I told her, and she left. So now SVU is all that's left and I think my timesheet shows it."

"Maybe she wasn't trying to leave you, Elliot."

He rolled the dice. "What do you mean?"

"You said that her and your job were all you had. Maybe by separating the two, she wanted to let you keep both of them."

He sighed. "Do you have any idea how much easier things would be if I could just move time back?"

Alex laughed. "Did you forget who you were talking to?"

"Yeah, I guess you would get it. I just…I care about her so much that it scares me." Alex slowly nodded, but Elliot noticed the look on her face as she glanced away, her eyes focused on dice in her hands. "What?"

"Nothing."

Elliot nodded towards her hand, which was holding her dice. "If you roll anything less than a pair of fours then you've gotta come clean, too," he offered.

Alex narrowed her eyes at him as she rolled a two and three. "I think your game is fixed."

"And I think something's up with you."

She sighed. "I…Sometimes I feel like I'm the exact opposite of you. I WISH I could make myself care about anything or anyone. I'm just…empty. And THAT scares ME."

Elliot considered that for a moment. "Have you talked to anyone since you got back? Like George?"

Alex raised an eyebrow. "I don't need a shrink."

"Hey, I don't like talking to them, either, but sometimes…it actually helps." She didn't answer. "How about your fiancé? Robert, is that his name? Does he know about the WPP?"

"Of course he knows! Every lawyer in the city knows about the martyred ADA."

Struck a nerve, he realized. "How many times did they move you around?"

"It doesn't matter; just drop it." Most people she knew would have backed off. This same little scene had played out so many times in the past few months; someone would get in an argument with her, and after a few minutes she'd start to get a dangerous look in her eye. Instead of facing her, everyone would give up, leave her alone, and let her get her way. One of the reasons she'd missed her old friends so much was the fact that they rarely let her play such games. Elliot wasn't going to give up.

"Four times?" he asked. "Five?" She didn't reply, and wouldn't raise her eyes to look at him. "Alex, I know how much you lost – "

"No, you don't!" she finally exploded, standing up. "You don't have any idea what it was like. I lost my identity, my job, my friends, my family…It took three months after I left New York before I stopped jumping every time someone slammed a door. I had nightmares of seeing my hands dripping with my own blood. Every time I walked to my car, I'd wonder if there was a bomb attached to the ignition. A couple guys who were really good agents and even better men got killed to keep me alive. I wonder every day what exactly makes me worth that."

"Are you?" Elliot asked. She froze.

"What?"

"Your life's a gift, Alex, which those guys gave to you. Whether or not you're 'worth it' is all up to you: your choices, your life from here on out. So are you worth it?"

She thought about that. "I want to be."

Elliot smiled. "That's a start." He offered her the dice. "Come on, it's your turn."

TBC...