She could picture it all. Every single moment of her shooting was stored in Alex's mind with unbelievable clarity. The SUV driving up too slowly to be normal. The window rolling down. The crack of the gun echoed in her mind as she fell to the pavement. Olivia's voice calling her name.
And then her friend was kneeling over her, mumbling a long string of, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no…" Yelling for someone to call an ambulance. Olivia was begging her to look at her, but Alex couldn't move. She was frozen, cold, paralyzed. Hot pain began seeping through her as a hand pressed over the hole in her shoulder. There was so much blood; it was running between her fingers, flowing onto the sidewalk. "It's okay, sweetie. Stay with me. Stay with me, Alex…"
She wanted to. She wanted to say she wasn't going anywhere, but her brain was no longer connected to the rest of her body. She could see someone else run up – Elliot – and stare at her in shock. She wanted to be strong – to hold onto her life as she knew it – but it was slipping away. Why couldn't she fight when it mattered most? She could win battles for other people, but not for herself. She couldn't get control.
"Alex, Alex, it's okay. Look at me. Look at me." Olivia was pleading with her, but she still slipped away…
Waking up, it took a minute before Alex realized where she was. She'd opted the night before to sleep alone in her bedroom at Robert's house, and now she was grateful for that. He didn't need to know about her nightmares.
As she walked down the hall, Alex could see that Robert was sitting at the foot of the bed in his room, getting his jacket and shoes on. "Can I talk to you?" she asked, leaning against his doorframe.
"Yeah. Are you going in late this morning?" he inquired, noticing that she was still in her nightgown and robe.
"I hadn't planned on it, but I guess I am now. I didn't sleep all that well last night."
Robert smiled. "That's because you were in the wrong bed." Alex couldn't bring herself to even crack a smile at the joke. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Slowly, Alex pulled her ring off and, after considering it for a moment, offered it to him. "What are you doing?"
"Take it," Alex said. He hesitantly complied. "I can't do this. I can't…I can't handle this relationship right now, and it's not fair to you to keep pretending."
"I don't understand. A few days ago you were happy, and – "
"No, I wasn't. I've just gotten really good at faking it. That was all my life was for two years: make believe. And coming back from that…its not as easy as I wish it was."
Robert slowly nodded, considering the band of metal between his fingers. "I can give you time, if that's what you need. We don't have to rush forward."
"I do need time, but I think I need it on my own."
"Where are you going to go? How are you going to work this out?"
"I haven't figured everything out yet. But I will…I'll be moved out by tonight."
" Alex, you don't have to be like this. At least let me help you find a place to stay."
She smiled a little, stepping forward to kiss him on the cheek. "You're going to be late for work." He didn't want to, but he finally nodded and left.
Since she was already running late, Alex decided to make one more detour before going to work. As she stepped off the elevator and headed down the hall towards the 1-6's squad room, she could see that Elliot was getting himself a cup of coffee and a donut. He smiled when he noticed her. "Hey, you okay?" he asked.
"Yeah. I was just wondering if we could talk." He nodded, putting his breakfast down on his desk as he led her towards the stairs to the room's little loft.
"I talked to Olivia this morning," Elliot told her as they went. "We're supposed to get together next week and have dinner. Talk about things."
"That's good."
He smiled. "Yeah, hopefully. How about you? Any idea what your next move is?"
"I'm leaving Robert. My stuff's getting moved today."
"Where are you staying?"
"I'm in a hotel at the moment, but I'm going to start looking for a place of my own."
"If you want any help," Elliot offered, "I think Fin was talking about his building having openings."
Alex smiled. "That's okay. I think I can manage something on my own."
Elliot returned her grin. "Okay, Ms. Bureau Chief."
"I did have a favor to ask, though."
"Sure, anything."
She took a deep breath. "Can I see your gun?" He raised an eyebrow, but reached to pull the weapon out of its holster. After double checking that the safety was still on, he offered it to her.
Alex was extremely hesitant at first, just holding the weapon at arms length and staring at it. She finally pulled her hand in closer, examining the item that had been a source of terror for the past few years. It was still scary as hell – the knowledge that something so small could so easily end lives – but maybe she could learn to handle the fear. Maybe she could learn to handle all the challenges that had been thrown her way.
She handed the gun back, giving Elliot a little smile. "Thanks," she told him. "I'd better get over to my office before someone has a meltdown."
"All right. Once Liv gets back, we should make another attempt to do lunch with the whole group."
Alex nodded. "Yeah, sure. Just call and let me know when."
TBC...