I

The Hero Vaan's Story

"Argh! I can't train you anymore," the sky pirate Balflear exclaimed as he threw up his hands and stormed around the room. "How can anyone be so stupid?"

"I just asked him for some man-juice."

"Your line was, can you see some more jewels. I just needed you to distract him so I could sneak past the Bhujerba shopkeeper to take that pendent of haste. Sometimes I wonder how you manage to exist at all."

"Because if Square-enix made you the hero, the loser gamer boys would feel their masculinity were threatened?"

"Oh yes, I guess that is true," Balflear sighed. "It's not easy to be so sexy. Oh come, it's the day of Ashe' coronation. Please, don't embarrass me. On the other hand, why don't you go hang out with Larsa for a while."

"Larsa said if I came within twenty feet of him he would shove nethicite up my cherry hole. What's a cherry hole, Balflear?"

"Uh..it's something you drink with tea."

ooo

"Balflear!" Ashe exclaimed as the sky pirate entered dragging Vaan who was busy eating paint chips. "And…eh.. the Dalmasca rat exterminator?"

"It's me! Don't you remember me? I'm your love interest," Vaan demanded.

"Oh yes, of course, my love interest," Ashe said, rolling her eyes.

"Yes, Ashe," Balflear added, equally sarcastically as he swatted the paint chips out of Vaan's hands. He represents the freedom you secretly long for outside of your ill fated arranged marriage to your oppressive, dull, apparently albino Lord Rasler."

"Yes, yes, what ever will I do without you my symbolic freedom that I unconsciously long for," Ashe said dryly. "Oh kidnap me, mister sky pirate and take me aboard the Prima Vista Strahl."

"Whee!" Vaan yells as he straddles the banister of the palace. Ashe sighed and looks down.

"Interesting definition of a hero, don't you think?" Fran whispered to Balflear.

"Well, I guess nowadays everyone is special, even a gibbering nincompoop can be a hero." Balflear added.

"What's his name again?" Ashe whispered to the two.

"I think it's Vaughn."

"I thought it was Van."

"Isn't it Vain?"

"No, that's the former emperor of Arcadia."

"Did someone say Vayne?" a Judge from the hallway yelled as drew his bow and shot an arrow into Vaan who was teetering over the edge of the banister.

"Oh no!" Emperor Larsa immediately jumped to apologize. "I hope this case of mistaken identity won't result in a loss of life." He ran into the balcony and glanced over the edge. "Where is he? The sir who fell? I hope he is alive."

"Oh no. It seems as though Vaan and I, we will never have a chance to meet in the fanfiction world and fall in love," Ashe lamented and winked at Balfear.

Fran gave her a look of death.

"It was Vaan who fell?" Larsa replied, suddenly significantly less distraught. "I thought it was some poor hardworking nameless guard. But now I see nothing of importance has been lost." Larsa waved at his men. "Let's go, judges, to our seats."

"Well, good riddance," Balflear said, dusting off his silk pearl encrusted sleeves thereby causing all the women to swoon and the men to clench their teeth in forbidden lust. "I thought I would never get rid of that – wait, he has the keys to the Strahl!"

Balflear, in a moment of hapless heroics, took ahold of the Dalmasca banner and swooped to the rescue the most wretched and undeserving personification of a 14 year old gamer.

"Balfleaaarrrrr!" Ashe screamed into the clear summer sky.

"Why are you yelling" Fran asked crossly. "Didn't he force you to give up your wedding ring, criticize you for all your decision, and generally acted like a jerk? Not to mention that crew cut, and that effeminate puffy shirt. Why are women so stupid?"

"He's your husband," Ashe replied. "Why do you find him attractive?"

Fran storms off the balcony and Ashe turns around and crosses her arms. Both women sighed and looked longingly where the sky pirate vanished.

ooo

Balflear returned to the Strahl with an unconscious sack over one shoulder. He dumped the boy on a recliner while all of his luscious rolls of muscles shone visibly through his damp silk shirt.

"Penelo, give him a few potions and he should be fine. Shouldn't you be out looking for Larsa today? He was in town."

"Larsa?" Penelo chirped as she nudged the I-Heart-Balflear afghan under the bed. "Of course, I can't wait to see Larsa."

Balflear waved and left her to take care of Vaan. "At least one girl isn't after me," he muttered to himself.