Chapter 6

He strode purposefully down the corridor, weaving occasionally to the other side. He wasn't sure if he was finally feeling the ship move, or feeling the two margaritas he had gulped when he first got back on board, so hot, and couldn't take a shower. Probably both.

Red dot or not, he was going in. Charlie hadn't shown up for dinner, and repeated searches of the ship hadn't revealed him. Don had even tried the internet café. It had been almost five hours since he got back onboard. He had seen another show. Played Bingo, of all things. He was still hot, still sweaty, and this time, he was going in.

He reached their cabin, and sighed in relief. No red dot. He ran the key card and pushed open the door, flipped on the lights. He made an immediate stop at the closet to grab his duffle, and was in the shower within 60 seconds. Life-giving water. He let it wash away the sweat, the golf game. He hung his head and thought about what he should say to Charlie.

Fifteen minutes later he emerged from the steamy room in t-shirt and sweats. The curtains were still open and he could see Charlie sitting out on the balcony. As he approached the door, the glint of metallic foil in the trash can caught his eye, and his mind registered it. Trojan. He shook his head. That solved one mystery. Guess that red dot hadn't been a joke. Both beds were neatly made, now. Cruise ship cabin fairy must have been here, already.

He opened the door to the balcony and stood. Charlie was in the chaise at the far end. He didn't have the balcony lights on, and it was difficult to see any details, Don dove in without preamble.

"You okay?"

He was pretty sure Charlie wasn't asleep, but it took a while for his brother to answer.

"I don't think so."

Don was so used to Charlie's denials that anything was wrong, it was all he ever expected to hear. This was different. This was unexpected. This made his freshly showered skin crawl. He stepped onto the balcony and dragged a chair as close to Charlie as he dared, sat down.

"What happened?" He meant "today", what had happened to Charlie "today", and was surprised again by the answer.

"I just went to see my brother," Charlie began, "that's all. It was his birthday, and we went to lunch." He turned his head slightly toward Don. "I think he enjoyed it; I know I did. We don't spend a lot of time together that doesn't involve work."

Don winced, waited.

"Anyway…" Charlie turned back to look over the water. "Anyway, I took him back to his office, after. He works on the fourth floor. I came back down in the elevator with a friend. She works there, too."

Charlie's voice was detached, as if he were telling a story about someone else, and it was starting to freak Don out a little.

"On the ground floor, we walked together for a little while. I remember her splitting off from me, to go to another area. The next thing I really remember is sitting on the floor, leaning up against some filing cabinets." Charlie shifted a little on the lounge. "Well, most of me was on the floor. Part of me was sitting on a dead woman. Her eyes were still open, and she was staring at me." Charlie sighed, and Don heard the pain of it. "She still stares at me, almost every night."

Charlie dropped his feet over the sides of the chaise and sat up. He continued to speak. " I have to believe what they tell me, about what happened. About who came into my brother's office and killed 13 people, wounded 17 more…it scares me, because it doesn't make any sense to me. I can't think of a way to make it not happen again. Not just to me, to anybody…to my brother. It was his office. They could come back."

Don's voice was a whisper. "Charlie…"

Charlie rearranged himself on the chaise and continued his story. "I think people know I'm broken, but they don't know how much. I try not to let them see that. I try not to let myself see that…and then my brother, he suggested that we take a vacation together." Charlie looked at him again, quickly back out to the sea. "I didn't really want to come. It would be hard to pretend for that long."

Don winced again.

Charlie's voice grew even softer.

"And I met this woman. This incredible woman. At first, I thought she might just help me forget, for a few hours…and we were compatible enough. But then…then she looked right through me, and she saw what no-one else has, and that scared me, too. For the same reasons. It doesn't make any sense to me, how she could see that. And I can't think of a way to make it not happen again. Not just with her, with anybody. I don't want anybody to see that, I don't want it to be true. I don't know if I can be fixed."

Don could hear his own heart beating. He had known that Charlie had been deeply affected by the shooting, but Charlie was right — he hadn't known how much. After Charlie was silent for a time, Don took up the story.

"I have a brother," he said. "Amazing man. He's very helpful to me in my work, and extremely effective in his own." He cleared his throat. "He has a very tender heart, always has, it's one of the amazing things about him…how much he cares. I've never been very good at protecting that heart, because it scares me a little. I worry that a person can't be that vulnerable for very long, and I worry about what will happen to him when he figures that out."

Charlie was looking at him, Don could tell, even though he was looking out off the balcony. "But I think that I've been wrong. I think that vulnerability is the core of his strength…it enables him to believe so much in the rest of us, even when we don't deserve it."

He looked at Charlie, now, who was still looking at him. Their eyes met in the darkness. "My brother is really scared, right now, and I hate that. I should have been more careful. I've been letting him be scared alone. He would never do that to me."

He looked back at the water. "Do you think he knows? Do you think my brother knows that he can count on me, now? That I will sit here all night, and keep away any eyes that try to sneak in? That I will stand beside him forever? That I trust him to find himself, again?"

He sensed movement on the chaise, heard Charlie sigh again as he settled into it more. "I think he knows." His voice was getting sleepy, and Don saw his head loll to the side a little. "Past the part that's frightened. Past the hole. Deeper." Charlie yawned. His voice slurred a little in exhaustion. "I think he knows that his brother loves him."