Chapter 17—"The Saddest Eyes"

Dorothy crept up the staircase, only to freeze at the top when she saw the figure peering into the recovery room. "Grace?"

"Oh!" Grace jumped back, nearly dropping the tray of food in her hands. "Dorothy, ya startled me!"

"Aren't you goin' in?"

Grace took a deep breath, clearing her senses as she faced Dorothy self-consciously. "I was about to, but I couldn't bring myself to disturb 'em."

"Oh…" Dorothy nodded, slowly understanding. "He's been with her all night. Bless his heart."

Dorothy edged subtly beside Grace, peeking into the sunlit room. Michaela rested in front of Sully, his arms surrounding her like a protective shield. Their breaths mirrored each other, as if he were feeding her air. "How much longer till that doctor gets here?"

Dorothy inhaled sharply, the romance suddenly lost for her. "Hopefully anytime now. Colleen's gone down to wait on him. There's not much left for us to do now but wait and pray."

"What else can I do?" Sully whispered, his fingers caught in her sweaty hair.

"Just what you're doing." Michaela fell against his neck, her breath shallow.

Sully listened to her controlled breathing and whispered fiercely, "I hate this…If I hadn't—"

"Shh…" she soothed, tracing his arm from his wrist to his shoulder, "I don't want to talk about bad things right now. Just good things."

Sully sighed, helpless frustration seething out of him, but as soon as her soft fingers curled around the inside of his collar, he opened his eyes and found her watching him. "Good things, huh? You know I can't think when ya do that."

"Sully!" Michaela found herself laughing, despite herself, and reached for his hand to avoid another round of nausea and cramping.

"At least I got ya to laugh for a second or two." He kissed the side of her face as their hands joined again. She had been everything that night, and her needs had become like a sixth sense throughout the long evening and into the morning. When she needed to cry, he held her; when she needed to scream, he braced her; and when she needed to burst, he made her laugh.

"The truth is I've never felt safer in your arms."

Sully felt as though he were walking through heaven and hell at the same time. "Is that the morphine talkin' again?" He said lightly, nervously.

"It wore off over an hour ago," she admitted quietly.

"I'll go get Colleen—"

"Don't worry her…" Michaela stopped him, too aware of the panicked expression in her daughter's eyes. "There's nothing she can do until Dr. Bernard arrives. Besides, I need to know what's happening to me in a sober state."

"Until then—"

"We won't worry." Their fingers tightened together.

He pressed his lips to her ear. "You're stronger than I could ever be. A storm couldn't knock you down."

"It's you," her voice belied her fear, cracking slightly as she felt overwhelmed by the rage inside her body. "I need your support right now—these arms, these hands, this back… I need—"

She gasped when she realized what they were sitting in.

"What is it?"

"Sully…I'm—I'm bleeding."

"Open your eyes, Ánováóó'o, open your eyes." Cloud Dancing patted the cowgirl's face gently. She had a sweet face. He liked her already, despite her strange dress.

Smiles No More moaned as she felt the strange constricting fabric around her throat. Did Porcupine Bear hang her? Her eyes flashed open and she met Cloud Dancing's eyes. A hoarse scream escaped her throat as she pushed away from him, tangling herself in the bottom of the teepee skirt. "Who are you! Who? Who?"

"I am Cloud Dancing." He said calmly as he ascertained this wild creature. "You must be still—"

Smiles No More scrambled around the edge of the teepee, feeling her person, feeling the ground, and feeling underneath the heavy leather fabric. Cloud Dancing raised his eyebrows as he watched his patient hunt. When she did not find what she wanted, she turned around and glared at him. "Where is my gun? Did you steal it? Did you!"

He sat back and waited, a hidden smile spreading across his face. "You are fortunate to be alive, Ánováóó'o. Better to lose your gun than lose your life."

Smiles No More narrowed her eyes at the older man. "You think you're pretty smart don't you? Here's one for you, Dancing Man! Give me my gun or give me your life!"

She pushed up off the ground to her full height and towered over him. His eyes trailed her full length in amused admiration. "You are full of fire, but you do not fool me, Ánováóó'o. Lie down before you faint."

Smiles No More huffed, "And you're full of—"

Suddenly she stumbled down, her face falling ashen. Cloud Dancing leapt up and caught her, laying her down gently before she crashed.

"See? What did I tell you, Ánováóó'o?"

"How is she?" Catherine leapt up from her blanket as Snowbird entered the teepee.

Snowbird nodded good-humoredly, only hearing the row between the girl and Cloud Dancing. "Cloud Dancing's medicines are working. Something tells me she will be fine. But how are you doing?"

Catherine turned away and mused into the fire. She shivered, not knowing how she could be responsible for so many horrible things. "I think my heart is bad."

Snowbird sank down beside her. "Bad like illness?"

Catherine shook her head, watching the flames dance. "Bad like…evil."

"Why would you think that, Catherine?"

She looked down, shrugging but knowing. "I want things I cannot have. I pretend I am happy when I am not. I said what he wanted to hear, but I wanted to kiss him again. I held her in my arms, and I wished… I wished…"

Now Snowbird shivered. "What did you wish?"

"I wished her life mine."

"Well? Dr. Quinn?" Caitlyn sat in his office, on the edge of her seat.

Josef stared at his evaluation in front of him. When immovable things move, when the inside is out, when things don't happen like clockwork… "I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Montgomery."

Caitlyn stared at him, as though she had never heard this before. "There must be something—some kind of treatment, medicine?"

Josef closed his eyes. This was always the most difficult part. Saying no, there isn't. "Mrs. Montgomery—"

"No! There must be someone, another doctor, someone in Europe—" She gambled, hoping.

"Mrs. Montgomery, modern treatments for infertility haven't—"

She stood suddenly, standing taller than a great oak, and railed against him, "I don't accept that! I won't let it be true, do you hear me?"

Elizabeth was at the door. She caught his eye. He sighed in relief.

"I hear you." Josef pressed his hand on Caitlyn's shoulder as she sank back down to her chair, not letting the tears come.

Josef and Elizabeth passed each other. She touched the side of his face and whispered, "You have the saddest eyes."

"Sometimes I wish I didn't know all that I knew." Josef smiled sadly at his wife and left the office to go speak to Mr. Montgomery.

When the door shut, Caitlyn spoke in a low, lifeless voice, "Your husband believes I'm an irrational woman. Full of foolish hope. But you believe me, don't you, Elizabeth?"

Elizabeth sighed, her eyes still on the shut door. "My husband sees the facts before him. He can't help it. He's a doctor."

"And you?" Caitlyn reached for her hand.

Elizabeth kneeled down beside her and touched the side of her face. "I see a woman. A strong woman. And I see a mother."

Caitlyn laughed, despite herself, and put her hand over Elizabeth's. "Thank you. What do I do now?"

"Don't worry. We'll find your baby somehow."

"Dr. Mike, Sully! He's here, Dr. Mike!" Colleen called from the stairs, her breath ragged from running.

"Hurry! We need you now!" Sully called back, fear clear in his voice. When Dr. Bernard and Colleen entered the room, Colleen stood immobile for a moment, shocked by the blood on the sheets. Had…had she done this?

"When did the hemorrhaging begin?" Dr. Bernard asked immediately, not hesitating for a second as he began to check for her vital signs.

"Just a few minutes ago," Michaela answered and then closed her eyes, reaching for Sully to finish for her.

He took her hand and squeezed in reassuringly. He could tell the pain was getting worse. "She's been awake and with me the entire time."

"She's been feverish and crampin' too, doctor," Colleen spoke up, her voice shaking.

"Thank you, Miss Cooper. I need to examine Dr. Quinn before we take any action. Sir, would you mind leaving the room?" Dr. Bernard asked politely.

Sully nodded even as Michaela gripped his hand tighter as the pain enveloped her. "I'll be just outside, Michaela. I'll be thinkin' about that dream ya had."

"What dream?" She asked, overwhelmed.

"Never mind. If you need me—"

"I know." Michaela let go of his hand.

"My God!" Marjorie gasped as she pushed past Harrison and opened the front door of the house. There stood Elizabeth, soaking wet, tears mixed with rain, and she laughed, despite herself. "Mother! Where on earth have you been?"

After packing her body and placing fresh sheets on the bed, Dr. Bernard turned to Colleen with a calm, collected smile and said, "Miss Cooper, thank you for your assistance. Would you mind waiting outside for a few minutes while I talk to your mother?"

Colleen didn't look up as she tucked Michaela back in the bed. "I want to stay with her."

Michaela reached for her hand. She had been there once. "Colleen, it's alright. I'm going to be fine. Don't worry."

"Are ya sure?" Colleen's chin quivered, unsatisfied.

Michaela smiled. "Positive. Go tell Sully everything's alright."

Colleen wrapped her arms around her. "Ok. I love you, ma."

"I love you, too." Michaela watched her leave and finally looked at Dr. Bernard whose calm expression hadn't changed. "What is it, Dr. Bernard?"

"I believe you have an ovarian cyst."

Michaela digested his diagnosis as hundred different scenarios and implications flew through her mind in a single moment. The first, she knew immediately. "It's ruptured, hasn't it?"

He nodded. "Precisely, which is why you are bleeding. Of course, we can't be sure until we've operated."

Michaela closed her eyes and her thoughts began to fly out of her mouth rapidly, "And that means removing the growth—"

His calm began to break. "We've waited too long, you know that, Dr. Quinn. Most likely I'll have to remove the entire ovary."

She stopped. She hadn't considered…She had considered, but not with her, never with her… There were other ways, there had to be other ways— "But there are options… You… you have options!"

"And so do you." He offered, "You can still conceive a child with one ovary. Although the chances do decrease as you get older—"

"It's just one," Michaela whispered resolutely, as though the facts had already been given to her.

Dr. Bernard sat softly on the bed beside her. She could feel the mattress sinking and her body falling with it.

He placed his older hand over hers. She closed her eyes. He had done this before. She had done this before.

"Tell me it's just one," Michaela begged. Her younger hand gripped his, just as she had held her father's hand in the last moments of his life when she begged him not to leave her alone.

"I can't be sure." Dr. Bernard shook his head. "You know I have to operate, Dr. Quinn."

"Dr. Bernard... You-you don't understand–" Michaela stopped abruptly, curling over her body as an increasingly sharp pain shot through her. Dr. Bernard wiped her brow sympathetically as the cramp continued. She had been stubborn since she was a little girl. Josef had always said so, and she was certainly proving so now. What could he do to convince her to go through with this?

He leaned closer and whispered gently in her ear as she began to relax again, "I understand, I–"

Michaela's head spun around and her eyes flashed in waves of untouched sadness. "No, no, you don't understand! If it's just one, if it's just one, I can do this, I can handle this, I can tell him... I can say yes...But if it's not... You haven't seen the look in his eyes. You don't know what he wants."

Dr. Bernard sighed, unable to be a doctor in that moment. He could only see Josef's little girl. "I know, Mike... But I know what you want. Let me do the surgery. Let me help you."

She stared at him, not seeing any clear answers. "I need Sully."

"Dr. Quinn, you need to make a decision quickly. We don't have much time to act," he urged.

She shook her head defiantly. "I need to talk to him first."

"Dr. Quinn! I urge you to—"

"Sully! Sully!" She called out as her chest seemed to be caving in slowly.

Sully burst through the door and with a single look pushed Dr. Bernard out of the way. "I'm here. I'm right here."

"I'll be right outside." Dr. Bernard gave up and left.

He sat on the edge of the bed as she reached for his hands. "I've asked you this before, and I need to know the absolute truth right now. What do you want from me?"

He locked his eyes with hers. "I want what you want."

She shook her head, not accepting his answer. "Be selfish."

"I want you to say yes," he said, pulling their hands against his chest.

"More selfish," she pushed.

He tightened his hold on her hands and smiled wistfully. "I want the dream."

"And if that dream doesn't come true?" She waited, holding her breath.

She didn't have to wait though. He knew. "Then I'll thank God everyday you said yes."

She nodded, shaking her head, knowing too. She took their hands back against her chest and whispered, "I want that. I want you."

Sully's eyes cleared for a moment as all thoughts left him, and he tried to speak, but he couldn't.

She spoke instead. "Yes," she said simply into their joined hands.

Sudden laughter filled them both, but it never escaped. It only filled their hearts and eyes as they leaned in towards each other. Michaela gasped against his mouth, the kiss unrealized as a blinding white pain shot through her body. "Dr. Bernard… Get him, quickly…"

"Dr. Bernard! Dr. Bernard!"