Chapter 19—Hush

"It's comin'!" Sully put a supportive hand on his wife's shoulder.

"I'm so nervous, Sully." Michaela leaned in closer to him, taking comfort in his body that had only hardened over the years. Most men softened, but not Sully. His essay work demanded that he traveled constantly. Her hand subconsciously stretched across his stomach, finding his scar from The Battle of Little Bighorn. It had been the only other time she could remember feeling like this, remembering such fear and apprehension as he and Cloud Dancing road off into the night, seeking retribution for Custer's sins against the Cheyenne nation. Against Cloud Dancing's family.

But now it was different. Her little girl was coming home for the first time in almost a year. She wasn't even a little girl anymore. She would be sixteen in August. August. Michaela had picked the month herself when the orphanage could tell them nothing of the girl's family or past. Perhaps it was a cruel month to choose, but she couldn't help it. August had been so heavy until they found Lizzie. A birthday party replaced the weight of August 16.

He covered her hand with his own, stopping the touch memories. "I know. But she's comin' home. That's what matters."

The wheels rolled past them, and happy faces blurred in the windows as the train met its doppelganger. "When she didn't come home for Christmas and then…"

"Don't do this to yourself, Michaela," he whispered in her hair, "She's comin' home now."

Michaela nodded, shaking her head as she tried to pull herself together. "I know. And the twins have been with her. Thank God."

"What do David and Suzanne say?" He asked, looking at the still train as passengers began to unload.

Michaela followed his eyes, shrugging helplessly. "They know about as much as we do. She only confides in the girls."

"Wait! I see Lina." Sully sparked. "Lina! Over here!"

Lina, a pretty, petite girl with a mixture of her mother and father's eyes, turned and waved as she heard the familiar voices. "Hi Sully! Dr. Mike!"

Sully and Michaela greeted her with a warm hug. "You look wonderful, Lina! Where's your sister? And Lizzie?"

Michaela rose on her feet anxiously.

Lina turned around and looked back towards the train's diminishing crowd. The last time she had seen them, Caroline was still trying to pull Lizzie out of her seat. Why was she always put in these situations? "Oh, um… They're coming. They just…um… There they are!"

Caroline's bag made a diving entrance onto the loading dock. Caroline quickly followed it and turned around, her hands jabbing out of her hips.

"Lizzie… Get off the train."

Lizzie hid back in the shadow of the train, not touching the light. Her heart was pounding so loud she thought it may burst at any moment. Her eyes traveled to the sunlight. She knew she was waiting for her. "I don't… I don't want to see her."

As the departing whistle blew, Caroline planted her feet and glared hard at Lizzie, not accepting her refusal. "I don't care if you don't want to see her! She's waiting. Sully's waiting. And this train is going to move with you on it and then you're going to cause a big scene and you're going to make her upset and then she's going to know everything. So get off the damn train, Lizzie!"

Lizzie sank down to her knees and held the side railing as if it were her lifesaver. "I hate her."

Caroline pressed down on the steps and grabbed her face, forcing her to look in her eyes. "Then don't look at her. You just… hold my hand. I'll take care of you, ok? Ok Lizzie?"

Suddenly as the wheels began to roll, the thought of going home with her parents won out over ending up in Manitou with a bunch of strange cowboys. She reached out for Caroline's hand and took it.

"Don't let go," Lizzie begged. Caroline nodded and turned around, planting the most delightful smile on her face she could muster. She pulled Lizzie along, and quickly saw the same terrified look in Dr. Mike's eyes. This was going to be quite a vacation, that was for certain.

"Hi Sully, Dr. Mike. It's good to see you again." She kissed both of them on the cheek rather awkwardly, as she couldn't let go of Lizzie's hand. She stepped back and knew she had to continue talking. She found a spot on Dr. Mike's cheek and just stared at it. She couldn't make eye contact. Her hopeful eyes were breaking her heart. "Papa sends his love. And my mother sent along the Cambridge Monthly. She thought you might be interested in some Massachusetts news."

Michaela smiled but as she spoke, no one could ignore the tremor in her voice. "Thank you, Caroline. You look well."

Caroline swallowed as Lizzie's grip on her hand tightened. She felt horrible. If Lizzie didn't throw her arms around Dr. Mike in the next ten seconds, she would. "I am. Well… I'll help you load the trunks, Sully—"

Before Lizzie could protest, Caroline had dropped her hand and left her standing there alone, unprotected in front of Michaela.

Lizzie didn't know what to do with her hands and quickly looked after Caroline, silently pleading for her to come back before she began to speak. She could feel her coming closer, and she knew she wanted to touch her. With those hands. Those hands that made everything better and had tea parties in the woods and… "Lizzie?"

Michaela stepped forward and lifted her hand, but hesitated as she saw her daughter wince and dig her foot deeper in the wooden planks beneath them. When she didn't receive a response, she tried again, her voice barely escaping her throat, "Lizzie?"

Sully watched from a distance. He wanted to take both of them in his arms and rock them, take care of them. But he couldn't do that. They were untouchable right now.

"Can't you look at me?" Michaela sighed deeply. She wouldn't cry.

Sully couldn't stand it anymore. He had to say something. "Your mother's talkin' to you, Elizabeth."

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird

Lizzie looked up, averting her eyes far from Michaela's. "No she's not."

"He's just the sweetest boy, Josef," Elizabeth milled about their joint private living room, unable to settle down from the excitement of the day. "You should have seen Caitlyn's face."

Josef watched his wife flutter about, his body frightfully still. "What about Mr. Montgomery?"

And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring

Elizabeth turned by the mantle, finally slowly down and taking his words into account. "Why… I don't know. He wasn't home when I left."

Joseph sighed and put down his papers. He stood before her and put a gentle hand over hers. "Lizzie… Did he have any idea you took her to that place?"

Elizabeth removed her hand as if he had stung her. "That place? It's called an orphanage, Dr. Quinn."

"I know. And there's nothing wrong in it. But adoption is… is something that a husband and wife should do together." Josef followed her with his eyes, watching her corset expand beneath her dress. "Don't you find it rather deceptive of her?"

Elizabeth shook her head, not understanding him. "Deceptive? It's a child, Josef. A little boy. What is deceptive about that?"

Josef simmered a moment, calming himself. He didn't know why he was becoming so upset over the whole matter, but something didn't rest well with him at all. "Why did you go with her? Why couldn't Alex go?"

Elizabeth didn't know. But she knew it felt good to be held in such high esteem, to be respected, and seen as a strong and capable individual. Right now, she felt as she always did. Inferior. And her mouth couldn't move or say the right things to please him. "She… She trusts me. Did I… I do something wrong, Josef?"

Josef watched her breath increase and the fine sheen of sweat crystallize across her brow. He hated that look on her face, but he didn't know how to say what he felt. No one had ever taught him the words. "No. Of course not. If they're happy, then you did a very good thing, my pet."

Elizabeth exhaled, finally catching her breath. She found her smile again and sauntered closer to him. "Alright. Now. Will you please take that scowl off your face, and I'll turn out the lights?"

"The girls?" Josef eyed the door cautiously.

"Asleep," She informed him, crossing her hands together.

He looked down at her laced hands. He swallowed. "Perfect. After you, my dear."

"I am tired of these games! I want to get up!" Smiles No More threw down her Cup and Pin game and looked pointedly at Cloud Dancing.

"And go where?" He asked, as he picked up the game and continued with his turn.

"Away from you, Dancing Man." She stuck her tongue out at him.

"But you are winning."

She scowled. "Because you were cheating."

"Is your name Frowns A lot?" He scratched his face speculatively.

"No!" Her jaw dropped, resenting the ridiculous accusation.

He went back to the game, ignoring her. "It should be."

Smiles No More pushed up, anger filling her. "If we were in battle, my father would shoot a bullet through your heart for saying that."

Cloud Dancing froze, as he heard such threatening words come from such a small girl. "Your father likes to kill Cheyenne?"

She nodded. "All Indians."

Cloud Dancing looked up, fastening his eyes on hers. "Why are you not with him?"

Not a sound was heard as his eyes bleed onto hers, and she suddenly flinched, unable to maintain eye contact with the old man. "I… I do not want to talk anymore! Go away."

As she turned over, hiding her face from him, Cloud Dancing got up and left their teepee.

And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass

He met Snowbird on the outside. "Any progress?"

He shook his head and rubbed his chest as it tightened. "I do not know. There is something about her though. We must protect her, Snowbird. I fear she is in danger."

Dr. Bernard stepped outside, surprised to only see Sully waiting on the bench. "Mr. Sully?"

"Yeah?" He shot up from his seat.

Dr. Bernard smiled sympathetically at the eager young man. "Please come inside. She's resting comfortably now."

Sully's eyes flew between Colleen and Dr. Bernard's. "Is she—"

Dr. Bernard put a comforting hand on Sully's shoulder. "She's going to be fine, Mr. Sully. I removed the damaged tissue successfully."

Sully paused, taking in a deep, grateful breath. Then, he looked up, remembering. "What about…"

"She still has one functioning ovary left," Dr. Bernard finished for him.

Sully nodded, wobbling slightly on his feet as he gathered himself. "Ok… Ok…" Now he could be strong for her. "I'm… I'm gonna go sit with her now."

"Dr. Bernard?" Colleen asked anxiously.

"Yes, Miss Cooper?" He turned towards the young girl.

She looked up guiltily. "Can Ma still have a baby some day?"

He looked into her fragile eyes. There were some things in this world a child didn't need to know, didn't need to carry. "I need to discuss that with your mother first."

"Dr. Bernard… Please." Colleen grabbed his hand. He was taken back by the girl's force. "I really need to know. It's just… weighin' on me somethin' awful."

And if that looking glass gets broke,
Papa's gonna buy you a billy goat

He squeezed her hand, ignoring the statistics and spoke with his heart instead. "It will be extremely difficult. But yes. There's a chance your mother will be able to have a baby one day."

Sully stood in the doorway of the recovery room, a room that now felt more like their bedroom than anything else. She was covered in fresh, white sheets, and her hair was pulled back away from her face, bringing out the gaunt shadows underneath her eyes and the pallor of her skin. But she was alive.

He sat down beside her, afraid to touch her or hurt her again. Her hand blended into the sheets, and tentatively, he hovered over the edges of her bare fingers. He shook his head, cursing himself. This was so wrong. "I should have asked ya with a ring."

His fingers slid over hers. Cold. He took her hand in his and brought it to his mouth, blowing healing, warm air against her chilled skin. He pressed her hand against his cheek and whispered, "A big diamond that you could show your ma. And she would smile for a moment because maybe, she would think you weren't marryin' someone who didn't deserve you."

He looked down. There was a blood stain on the floor. Was it hers? "The truth is, she's right."

"No she's not," Michaela muttered, her eyes still closed, fighting sleep off.

"Michaela?"

"Sully," she breathed.

"Don't try to talk. You should probably be sleepin'."

"No. I need to hear your voice." She tried to open her eyes, but the light was too strong.

He leaned closer to her and rested his head against her pillow. "Ok. Ok. I'll talk all night, until you're sick of me and I'm blue in the face if ya want me to."

"Good." She turned her head towards his voice. A sudden, magical smile stretched across her face. "We're getting married."

Sully grinned and pressed her palm against his lips. "Yeah, we are. I'm glad you remember."

"If I didn't?" Her brows shot up.

He laughed gently. "I guess I would have to propose again. But that's ok. I think I could get it right this time."

With obvious struggle, she opened her eyes. Sully winced as he saw the pain residing there. "What would you say?"

His head fell, and he collapsed against her neck. He couldn't hide his guilt any longer. "I'm so sorry."

Michaela reached up and cradled his head against hers. "Sully… This isn't your fault."

He pulled back, pacing back and forth as he tried to shake the tears away. "You deserve the world, and I don't know if I can give it to you. I don't know if I can give you our dreams. I don't know if I'll make you happy. But I do know that I love you. And I'll try every day to give you a little piece of the world."

Michaela watched him, her heart breaking. They were so different, but in that moment, she understood what he was saying. What he thought she needed. She lifted her hand off the bed, almost wanting to laugh as she called him back, "I don't need the world. I need you."

"Are you sure?" He stood only a few feet away, but the distance seemed worlds apart.

"Yes." She always thought the words were difficult to say. But not now. "Come here. I need you."

Then he realized it. Her fear was gone. It was only him standing in their way. And it struck him hard and fast and sent him running to her, and he found his place on her shoulder, inside the crook of her neck, and she took him in without hesitation. "I need you too."

They rocked each other with soft kisses and silent whispers of love, and Michaela let her tears fall with Sully as they found forgiveness together. His back quaked, and she whispered like a mother into his ear, "Hush…. Hush…"

­­­­

"Sully?" Michaela whispered sometime later, how much later she did not know. She was drained.

"Hmm?" He sat up, his arm above her.

She looked out tentatively. "Did… Dr. Bernard tell you how extensive the damage was?"

Sully ran his hand over her forehead. "Do you want me to send for him?"

"I'm not sure if I want to hear it." Sully nodded. He wasn't sure either, but he couldn't let her lose hope.

He found her face and smiled encouragingly. "This isn't the end of family, Michaela. No matter what, there's me, you, Matthew, Colleen, and Brian."

She closed her eyes, reproaching herself immediately. "How selfish am I? Charlotte doesn't even get to see her children grow up, and I…"

Sully shook his head, quieting her. "That don't mean a child of ours ain't a loss too."

She looked in his eyes, overwhelmed. "We're so far ahead of ourselves. We haven't even—"

"Even what?" He leaned his head against the headboard.

She eyed him suspiciously. "N-nothing."

Slowly, he leaned over and grazed her cheek with his lips. As he spoke, he kept his lips against her skin. "It ain't nothing."

She turned into his lips, but didn't touch them. "No it's not."

They suddenly both smiled together, and Michaela turned away, unable to keep such an intense gaze with such obvious connotations behind it. Sully chuckled and found her hand. He squeezed it. "At least I got some color in your face. You're beautiful when you blush."

A knock took them out of their tête à tête, and Dr. Bernard whizzed through the door. "Dr. Quinn, I see your fiancé got you to open your eyes."

"He told you, Dr. Bernard?" Michaela eyed Sully suspiciously.

Dr. Bernard smiled, glad to see she was in good-spirits. "No, I figured as much. I think you're marrying well, doctor. Josef would approve."

She found Sully's hand. "I think so too."

"Oh…" Dr. Bernard suddenly turned to Sully, concern filling his face. "And I checked on her sister. She's sleeping in one of the upper recovery rooms."

"My sister?" Michaela frowned.

"Yes. Poor woman. With both of us out, she only had Ms. Dorothy looking after her. I didn't realize Marjorie had epilepsy. I know haven't seen her since she was a little girl, but—"

"Does he mean Catherine?" Michaela shook her head, suddenly feeling a head ache coming on.

Sully covered her hand, calming her. "Yes."

"That woman is not my sister," Michaela said quickly, averting her eyes from the doctor.

"Oh…" Dr. Bernard stammered. "Well, I'm terribly sorry."

Sully covered and tried to smile, even as the air seemed a little staler now. "No harm done."

Michaela turned back around, the subject forgotten. "Dr. Bernard… You don't need to spare my feelings any longer. Just please… Tell me what my diagnosis is."

"Straight?"

"Totally straight." She nodded, bracing herself.

Dr. Bernard began, reciting what he knew of her condition, "As you know, with one ovary—"

"Wait…" Michaela stopped him, closing her eyes tightly.

Sully put his arm around her. "Are ya sure you want to hear this right now?"

She nodded, smiling sadly. "It's just that I already know what he's going to say. Sully, with one ovary, our chance of conceiving is automatically cut in half. It's no longer a twelve month menstrual cycle, but a six month menstrual cycle over one year. And at my age, the chances are even slimmer."

"But there's a chance, right?" Sully looked between Michaela and Dr. Bernard. Michaela couldn't look at him. She knew too much.

Dr. Bernard smiled reassuringly, his eyes not lost on Michaela, who had turned completely away from both of them. "There is a chance. You two mustn't look at the numbers or the facts." He stopped speaking when he saw her shoulders shaking. "Oh my dear, Michaela… Don't cry."

"All I know are numbers and facts!" She turned around, hitting them both with the absolute pain in her voice. In that moment, Michaela cursed being a doctor.

"Hey… Hey… Look at me… Look at me for a minute…" Sully took her face in his hands as Dr. Bernard felt increasingly out of place. "Could you give us a second alone, doctor?"

He quickly got up, thankful for the excuse to leave. "Of course. I'll be right outside."

"Thank you." When the door shut, Sully turned back around and focused completely on her. "Now look at me, Michaela. I don't want you givin' into that. I know you know everythin' in all those medical books, but for once in your life, I want you to trust me and not everything you already know."

"How?" She looked up, as if she were searching for Heaven.

He brought her face back to him, back to earth. "I want you to marry me tonight."

And if that billy goat won't pull,
Papa's gonna buy you a cart and bull

"What?" Michaela laughed and cried at the same time as she searched his eyes. "But where are we goin' to live? And the children and my family—my mother—"

Sully shook his head and ran his fingers up the side of her face. "Stop thinkin' about what we don't got together and what we don't have. Marry me now."

Her eyes fell guiltily. "I… can't be a proper wife to you yet… The surgery…"

Sully pulled closer to her, sliding his arms under her arms. "That doesn't matter. There's other ways of lovin'."

"After all this and we can't even… Why do you still want me?" Michaela gingerly slid her arms around his, totally in awe.

"I'd want you and love you every day…even if you couldn't get out of this bed, even if I couldn't touch you, or even be near you. I'd love you. Marry me tonight."

And without a word, she said yes.

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

"And if that cart and bull fall down, you'll still be the sweetest little…Chico?"