Chapter 23—"When You Love Someone"

"David?" Michaela scanned the face before her and saw nothing of the man she once knew. David never hid behind a beard. He told her everything from the proper way to hold a scalpel to how beautiful she looked with only an intern's nap. Their eyes locked for an instant, and for a split second, she saw the eyes that had claimed to love her so many years ago.

And she felt sick to her stomach. It had been a lie.

"David," she said again, recognition sinking her voice as she tightened her grip on Sully's steadfast hand. This couldn't be real. No, Sully's hand, the hand she was holding, the children, the homestead, that was real, but David; he was every bad dream from the past seven years staring her in the face. She had seen his dead body clearly in her mind. She had been to a memorial when they couldn't find the body. She had carried grief in her heart. Real grief. And she would never be able to get those years back now. She held Sully's hand tighter, needing him. Needing to escape from this waking dream. "Sully, take me inside. Take me inside now!"

"Michaela, stop!" David sprung into action, quickly following her, despite his reservations. She was the only one he could trust now. "I have to talk to you! There's so much you don't understand—that, that I need to explain to you!"

"David, stop! We shouldn't have come—" The violet eyed woman waiting in the wagon pressed. She was tired from the strain, but she would gladly stay awake if it meant leaving this surreal rendezvous. She knew everything about Michaela, and yet, she was nothing like the woman she had imagined. This woman was fire. Did David know that?

"I don't want to see him, Sully. Make him go away." Michaela spun past them all, mounting the stairs as she heard his voice calling after her, needing her. She closed her eyes as she reached for the door. "Children! Inside, now!"

Sully held tight to her retreating figure. He had never seen her like this before. He didn't know what to think or feel, but this man obviously had a powerful affect on her. "Alright. Whatever you want, but don't ya… Don't you want to know what he's doin' here?"

Michaela opened her eyes and shook her head, her mind spinning until she met his eyes. "I don't think I can listen to anything he has to say right now. My God… Everything I've ever felt up to you hasn't been real."

Sully nodded and gently ran his hand down her arm, slowly understanding her. He didn't need to be jealous. He needed to protect her.

"I'll find out what he wants. You just rest. I'll take care of everything."

As the children passed Sully, he turned back to the couple waiting. There was no doubt this man had been in war. He had ghosts in his eyes, and when he walked with such a pronounced limp, his soul carried the weight of a man half-dead. "David?"

David cleared his throat, sizing up the strange man before him. He knew who he was without asking, but formality would not let him assume. "Yes, and you are…?"

Sully crossed his arms in front of his chest and stepped down the stairs, stopping in front of the taller, broken man. He met his eyes. This man could have been what he was. "I'm Sully, Michaela's husband."

David looked down instantly. And Sully glanced towards the woman waiting, not so patiently, almost fatigued, in the wagon. He could only imagine what had happened as the woman ran her hand protectively across her swollen belly. "She got married. That's… that's good. That's good. I hoped…"

Sully shifted his weight as he watched the man wring his hands. "Look, I'm sure you got good intentions, but my wife doesn't want to see you. So do you got a reason for bein' here?"

David smiled suddenly and chuckled as Sully's curtness. He shifted the weight away from his bad leg and released his hands. "And you love her. I hoped she would find someone, but you don't have to protect her from me. I'm not here to disturb your lives."

Sully frowned, unsure of how to deal with this situation. Something was so strange about it all, and he couldn't figured out what it was, besides the glaringly obvious dead man returning. "I think the look on her face when she saw you was enough to last us a life time."

"I'm sorry." David looked down again, shame masking his face. "I wouldn't have come if I didn't need her."

Sully shook his head, not understanding him. "Need her?"

David attempted a polite smile and moved towards the wagon, reaching for the worried woman's hands. "If you'll allow me, I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Suzanne."

"How do you do, sir," Suzanne said quickly, only making eye contact with Sully briefly.

Sully tried to smile as he took in the strange couple. "M'am."

"As you can see, Mr. Sully, we're expecting," David stated, suddenly feeling this trip had been in vain as Sully's face remained unchanged.

Sully watched David grip the side of the wagon. Suzanne quickly covered his hand. Sully recognized it immediately: protection. He swallowed and met David's good eye. "What does that have to do with Michaela?"

"I suppose it has to do with you as well." He lifted Suzanne's hand from his and slowly removed his hand from his glove. Sully frowned as Suzanne lowered her head, her attention going to her growing womb. David extended his hand, but his knuckles froze in mid-air, trembling as if they were cold. Sully met David's eye. It was nearly February. He could be cold.

"Michaela might recognize it. However not all the symptoms fit the diagnosis. You can't imagine how maddening it is."

"You're sick," Sully realized.

"We both are." Suzanne lifted her head and met his eyes.

"What?"

David limped forward, desperation creeping in his voice and face. "Please. I need to speak to Michaela. She has every right to hate me for what I've done to her, but I don't trust anyone but her."

"I'm listening."

Michaela stood in the door frame, her face unreadable.

Catherine peered through the window of the clinic. He was still there, still watching her. She had never seen a smile like that, like hard nails turned upwards. He puffed on his cigar and blew a smoke ring in her direction.

Suddenly Catherine turned away from the window, smoothing down the cotton dress as if something were attached to it.

She felt dirty.

In an unclean cage. She had to get out before she destroyed it.

She ran to the door, but as soon as she reached the knob, she realized there was nothing outside that door but that smoke ring and him.

No one had seen her leave the homestead. But she couldn't stay there anymore. There were too many thoughts churning in her mind.

Lizzie couldn't stop thinking about the baby. Her parents' real daughter. As she made her way into the meadow, she stopped and let her eyes wander towards the graveyard. She had never been to it, but she knew the baby had a small gravestone somewhere inside. As a child, she could remember her mother going there while she was in school. Michaela didn't know she knew. Lizzie always tried to be extra good on those evenings, but she could still see the sadness in Michaela's eyes, despite her efforts to be happy. Sometimes she didn't know how to be Michaela's daughter.

And now, it was even more so.

She found herself wandering beyond the little white gate. She went far towards the east corner and saw the little memorial immediately. It was well kept, as if no time had passed at all.

But then the name glared at her mockingly, and she sunk to her knees.

Katherine Elizabeth Sully. 1870. Our angel.

It must have been some kind of joke.

Lina's Notebook:

The 3rd Story recounted by Michaela and Sully

Approximately March 3, 1872, Give or take, I haven't decided yet!

Note to self: I think this goes along with the "I would have known you" theme… Is it too repetitive?

Sully and Michaela huddled on the top steps of the cold brick building on that March morning, the Boston wind pushing them in a corner as the faltered together in front of the door. "Are you sure you want to do this? It hasn't been that long. You could wait out here. It won't take that long."

Michaela smiled bravely and reached for his hands. "No. It's my mother's estate. I need to be present."

She reached for the door of the building and stopped. Sully put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed.

"Michaela?" He whispered hesitantly. No he's nervous. He's afraid. He's not hesitant. But I want to portray his strength because he loves her, and she lost their baby. Hesitant is the stronger word.

She shook her head, her eyes frozen on her black lace gloves. "It's so strange to be here. As a child, I remember her being involved with flower shows and the D.A.R., but for the life of me, I can't remember her doing charitable work for orphans."

Sully wrapped his arms around her middle, shielding her from the cold. "It's not so strange. I don't think I ever really knew my mother. She would smile at me, but her eyes were always so sad. She knew she was dying even when we were happy."

Michaela ran her hand across his arm comfortingly and turned around. She found his eyes. "What do you see when you look in my eyes?"

He moved closer and took her face in his hands. "I see your heart. The pain. I don't want you goin' in there if it's gonna be too much. I don't want the day to come when I can't read your eyes." I wonder if he really said that. Or if he ever would. I hope he did.

She smiled, tears filling her eyes. She embraced him. "Hold tight. Don't look away. I'll be alright."

He shook his head, in awe of her. "You're too strong."

And together, they opened the door. As they walked into the starchy white building, an old woman whose back was curvier than…a tulip…no… a hunchback… no, too literal… a horse's neck… Never mind… As they walked into the starchy white building, an old, arthritic woman greeted them sharply, "May I help you?"

"Yes, we'd like to speak to a Mrs. Crudup?" Sully pressed, keeping a firm hold on Michaela's hand.

"Are you inquiring after an adoption, young man?" Michaela and Sully's heads whipped around like lightening, and they both stood dumbfounded, as if the woman could see straight through them.

Finally, Sully was able to speak. "No, my wife and I are here on behalf of her mother, Mrs. Elizabeth Quinn."

Mrs. Crudup nodded, her eyes sinking into her head as she digested the name. "Elizabeth Quinn… The name sounds vaguely familiar."

"Yes, my mother has made a sizable donation to your institution in her will. Is there a place we can talk in a more private manner?" Michaela spoke quickly, suddenly wishing their business to be over so she could leave Boston and return to Colorado Spring as soon as possible.

"Your mother?" Mrs. Crudup's eyes appeared again.

"Yes m'am."

She shook her head and laughed at herself. "I could have sworn she adopted a little boy. Oh well. The years are cruel to an old woman like me."

Michaela stared at the woman, her face turning white as that hollow pain pushed through her corset again. "Adopted? My mother never adopted a child."

"Oh! She didn't?" The woman stared at her, truly surprised for a moment, but then she began to laugh at herself again. "I must be slipping. I recall her very well fighting for that child. She and that frail little thing that came with her. Yes, Elizabeth Quinn. I remember her very well now. Wonderful woman. I'm so sorry for your loss, but if you will follow me—"

Michaela stood her ground, unmoving. Sully searched her eyes, seeing the lost look that had plagued both of them for the last year and a half. "Sully… I think I'll just wait out here. Can—can you—"

He nodded, reassuring her. "'Course. Are you gonna be alright?"

She smiled. I hate writing that she smiled. She always hides behind that smile. I see it all the time. Like Sully's mother. No. She wouldn't do that. Like the Mona Lisa maybe. "Just take care of it so we can leave please."

Michaela sat down in the sparse hallway, suddenly feeling nauseas. What did her mother have to do with this place? She couldn't think straight.

Suddenly, a tiny creak shook her from her troubled thoughts, and she turned towards an open doorway as two bright blue eyes peeked at her through the crack. I hope I get this part right. I wish I had been there. To see that change in Michaela when she saw her. She must have been beautiful.

Michaela leaned over, catching the little toe head grinning at her with a half full mouth of teeth. Her heart stopped a little. Her baby would be about the same age as this little girl.

Michaela stood up from her bench, carried in a fog towards the door, and knelt down in front of the mischievous eyes.

"Hi," Michaela whispered, her voice shaking for some unknown reason. I know the reason.

Suddenly, the toddler burst into a fitful of giggles and rolled backwards, and before Michaela could take in the moment, the door was slammed by a more forceful hand than hers or the child's.

She sat there, shocked, not knowing what to do. But, as soon as she heard the child's instant wail through the thick walls, she pushed to her feet and reached for the doorknob.

"What are ya doin', Michaela?" Sully and Mrs. Crudup had emerged from her office.

Michaela shook her head, her body shaking all over… I could kill her from happiness if I wanted to… Right there, in that moment. She could die of happiness. "I have to go in there—I have to get her—"

"Mrs. Sully—" Mrs. Crudup rushed towards her, but Michaela had already opened the door.

"Michaela—" Sully followed her. He'd follow her anywhere, I think.

Michaela burst into the room filled with hundreds of tiny faces. Her eyes scanned each one of them, but she didn't see the sparkling blue eyes. A nurse, holding a child, stared at her and Michaela reached for her arm. "Excuse me, but where is the little girl?"

The nurse was shocked by the desperation in Michaela's eyes. A beautiful desperation. The type of desperation you only hope to feel when you love someone more than yourself. "What little girl, m'am? There's a hundred in here I can show you—"

"No…no… The little girl that was by the door. She's got beautiful blue eyes and not all of her teeth are in—" Michaela tried to show the woman with her hands, but the woman didn't understand her. She didn't love like that.

"I'm sorry m'am, I didn't see a little girl by the door. I'm busy with these youngens."

"But you have to know her! She's almost a year and half old and um…her hair looks straight but it wants to curl. It's so blonde it's almost white… Please! Someone took her away from that door! You have to know where she is!" Michaela cried. The nurse wanted to cry. She wanted to be beautiful like Michaela.

Sully took her shoulders. He couldn't see her eyes, but he could feel her desperation. And it scared him. Does he understand her? I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if that's their greatest tragedy. "Michaela! Michaela, calm down. Look at me. Come on, look at me. We shouldn't have come. I'm sorry."

She begged for it. "But I saw her, Sully. I saw her."

He tried to give it. "I know. I believe you."

It is understanding. She brought her hand to her head. It shook violently. "Do you think I'm losing my mind?"

Did he lie? "No."

She fell against his chest and clung to him. "I do. I looked in her eyes. I wanted her to be mine."

Suddenly a stern voice broke from the other end of the hallway. "Alright, Miss Elizabeth! Now you be a good girl or I'll take the switch to you again!"

"Elizabeth?" Michaela lifted her head from Sully's chest, and they both looked towards the still girl in the large nurse's arms. She was no longer crying. Or laughing.

Michaela and Sully walked the length of the room towards the metal crib the nurse placed the child inside. Michaela stopped before her and asked hopefully, "Excuse me. May I… May I hold her?"

The nurse grunted, lifted Elizabeth carelessly into the air and dangled her in front of Michaela. "Of course. But I don't recommend this one. She's a willful child bound to cause you a world full of suffering."

But as Michaela took the little girl in her arms, the nurse's warnings were lost to her. I don't know how she felt. She's never said. I just know she couldn't leave the orphanage without Lizzie. She turned around and found Sully's eyes. He nodded once, not needing any explanations as he turned to Mrs. Crudup and began to make arrangements for the adoption.

Note to self: I'm not sure this fits with the rest of the story. Maybe I'll save it for later.