DISCLAIMER: NOT MINE. I OWN NOTHING.

KISS ME

oXo

CHAPTER SIX

CLARK

Things get a little crazy then. There's Oliver at the door and then two guards with actual swords. When they come in, Oliver starts yelling, "I don't have them! Search me if you don't believe me—just don't behead me!" One of the swords swings around, and he jumps. "Hey watch the hair, medieval dude!"

Then a bunch more people show up. Most of them are holding fancy old green dresses.

Next is a redheaded woman, who I'm guessing is the one the Princess called "Lady Lutessa." The Princess runs to her, screaming with anguish. "Tess! I have done it! I have done it!"

"God you have a big mouth. Must you always be so loud? What on earth are you yelling about? Done what?" Lady Lutessa says.

"Ruined everything. The General is going to kill me."

Oliver has managed to edge away from the guards in the confusion when the dressmakers showed up. Now, he tugs my arm. "Come on, dude."

I start to go, glancing back at the Princess, who's still wailing away. As loud as she is she could probably speak with her mouth shut. Her voice just echoes in my head. Does she even have an inside voice?

"Wait!" the Princess screams, loud enough to make everyone in the room stop what they're doing and look at her. Everything is silent, and I realize that no one but the Princess and I know that they've been asleep for hundreds of years.

Finally, Lady Lutessa says, "Good god, what now?"

The Princess points at me. "He cannot leave."

"Why not?"

"Because he has kissed me!"

Every eye in the room turns on me. The guards notice Oliver again, but this time they grab both of us.

"Have you defiled the Princess?" one guard demands, getting close with the sword.

"No…I mean, I don't think so." Unless he can read my mind. "Can you read my mind? Because if you can read my mind…my bad."

"Can he read your mind? Are you an imbecile?" The Princess says to me. "And no." She turns to the guard. "I am not defiled in the least. He was just searching for a piece of apple in my mouth with his tongue because he is hungry. But he must stay. For a celebratory dinner."

"Who are you?" Lady Lutessa asks.

"I'm Clark Kent…from Smallville, Kansas…I guess I broke some spell. No need to thank me." Pointing my thumb toward the Princess, "If you'll just call off your guard dog, I'll get going."

The Princess lunges toward me. I take a step back because she's scary.

"By guard dog I meant this Pitbull right here. It was nice meeting you, Mad Dog, but I'll be leaving now."

"Very funny, but surely you jest. You cannot go. You have broken the spell. Do you know what that means?" When I don't answer, she says, "It means you are my true love."

"Wackadoodle!" Oliver whispers.

I ignore him. "True love? You can't be serious. I don't even know your name. I can't be your true love when I don't even know your name. You must be joking. Except I don't think it's funny. How low can you go?"

"See? You do know my name. And can I go where?" She looks surprised.

"What name?" I'm confused.

"Lo." She rolls her eyes.

"What's low?" Oliver asks.

"Precisely." The Princess says.

"What the heck is going on? Precisely what? What's low?" Oliver throws his hands up in frustration.

"This, Oliver. This –" I point my finger at the mental chick, "is low." I'm starting to get frustrated myself.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance." The Princess holds out her hand as if we should kiss it.

"Is she bat-shit crazy?" Oliver whispers to me. "Clark make sense. What's low?"

I sigh. Loudly. "Low is –"

"Lo…is." The Princess cuts me off, looking like she's trying to figure something out. Then she beams at me. "I like it. And the way you say it. All exasperated and put out. It's quite flattering to know I have that effect on you."

"Lo –" Lady Lutessa begins.

"Is…Tess. Lo…is." The Princess interrupts.

"Lois? This is Lois?" Oliver is apparently as confused as I am.

"Well, that was easy enough. Very well. It is probably best to have a proper introduction." The Princess looks to the redhead and says, "Tess."

"Lo."

"Do not make me hurt you."

Lady Lutessa rolls her eyes at the Princess, and although she doesn't look happy about it, gestures toward me. "Clark Kent, of Kansas, you are presented to Her Royal Highness, Princess Louisa Johanna, of Pandora. But Her Highness prefers…Lois…" – She looks up to the ceiling as if she's searching for something – "…Jo…anne. Lois Joanne." She adds under her breath, "Today anyway."

Lois.

"It is customary to bow at this time," Lois says.

"Your name is Lois?"

"It is." She beams at me again.

"Now it is." Lady Lutessa again adds under her breath.

"I didn't know…"

"And yet, that is what you called me just now to your towheaded friend and you kept calling my shortened name while I …"

"I know." I shake my head. "I mean, I didn't know your name. This is so was weird, like…"

She nods. "I know. True love. It was meant to be."

"I was going to say a coincidence. Like a total fluke." I shrug. "Look, I might want to go out sometime, but as far as true love—"

"But you woke me! And I can only be awakened by true love's kiss. And besides, I am me. Hello? How could you not love me?"

Easy.

Oliver looks at Lois, then at the hands of the guards who are holding him, and then back at Lois. "So, um, Your Royalness from Pandora's Box – where we are makes soooo much sense now, can I tell ya – do you think you could maybe let us go? I hope so. Hope was the last thing left in the box, right?" He looks at me then. "Doesn't your name mean that? Hope? Save us."

I look at Lois and Lady Lutessa. "Yeah, it's—ah—getting late." It's actually only twelve thirty, but who knows if these people can even tell time. "Our tour group's waiting for us."

"Yeah, Maddie's going to be pissed," Oliver adds.

"Highness, this one is a thief!" the guard behind Oliver says. "And if this person was with him, he must be an accomplice."

"I'm no thief," I say, "and…neither is Oliver." Okay, that's a total lie.

"The crown was in his hands!" says the guard.

"But it's not now. If he stole the crown it would be on him. He didn't take anything, and I'm the one who broke the curse and saved you all. So…you're welcome. If you could just show us the way out –"

"What curse?" Lady Lutessa says. "What is he talking about?"

Lois ignores her. "Yes. Guards, you must unhand this gentleman at once. He is an honored guest and a friend of my future husband. You must both stay for supper."

Future husband? Does she mean me? Is this chick for real? "Excuse me, but I'm not—"

"Lo…is…" Lady Lutessa says. "You cannot mean to invite this…this…commoner to supper. It is the eve of your birthday."

Lois starts to yell again. "No, Tess. Do you not understand? I have touched a spindle! A spindle! We have all been asleep for a great while and this…" She gestures toward me. "This dressmaker's apprentice with hair the shade of a raven's wing and eyes the color of cornflowers mixed with grass and lips soft as silk pillows has awakened me."

"One – this is not a romance novel. Who talks like that? And two – you have touched a spindle!?" Lady Lutessa's jaw is hanging.

Lois nods.

"Surely you jest!?"

"No, Tess! This is not in jest!"

Lady Lutessa cradles her forehead in her hands. "You idiot girl! Dammit to hellfire and brimstone! I have left you alone for ten minutes, and you touched a spindle and slept for…for…"

"Three hundred years."

"Lois Joanne!" Lady Lutessa looks like she's been stabbed. And wants to stab the Princess. "Once. Just once…I need to beat you senseless just once. Although that would require you having sense…" She closes her eyes and recovers. "And you have been awakened by a…a…"

"Really super guy?" I volunteer.

Lois smiles and nods. "He is super. He will stay for supper." She looks at me. "You will stay for supper, super guy?"

I nod numbly. I can handle dinner if that's what it takes for them to let us go—even though they'll probably serve squirrel or something. "That's fine. Just let me call the hotel and tell them where we are." I take out my cell phone.

"What is that?" Lois says.

"A phone." She keeps staring at it. In fact, everyone stops what they're doing, gathers around, and stares. "You can, um, talk to people on it."

Except I can't get a signal. Duh. There's no tower here. Suddenly, it dawns on me what Lois said: I have been asleep nearly three hundred years! If that's true, this place is like a time warp. The Princess really did screw things up. I can't help but sigh. And all I'm thinking is – Looo-is… Do you always get into trouble like this? And how did they go so long without eating or peeing?

Everyone's still staring at the phone, which lights up and makes beeping noises. Think how jacked they'd get if it actually worked.

"We have to go to the hotel," I say. "They'll be waiting for us."

"But surely your friends must have known of your journey," Lois says.

"We sort of sneaked off."

"Then we must send a messenger," Lois says. "Simply tell me the name of the inn in which you are staying and it shall be done."

Problem one: I have no idea where the hotel is. Problem two: There's a huge hexed hedge around the whole country. Problem three: I am not—and I mean not—marrying this girl. Princess or not. She's bossy…she's stuck-up…she's rude. I can't stand her. That's a hard pass.

"Does this help?" Oliver pulls a postcard out of his pocket. It has a photo of our hotel on the front. This causes another spasm of activity as everyone has to gather around to look at the photo. Finally, Oliver says, "The address is on the back, I think."

Lois hands it to Lady Lutessa, who looks dangerously close to ripping Lois's arm off and beating her with it. She examines it a moment, then says, "That is two days' journey. Wonderful. It just keeps getting better."

It seemed pretty far but not two days.

"Nah," Oliver says. "It was about two hours on the bus."

The redhead looks puzzled. "Bus?"

"Yeah. It's sort of like a car only…you got the wheel here? Has that been invented yet?"

Lois straightens her shoulders and folds her arms across her very nice chest. Even Lady Lutessa seems to have recovered enough to glare at Oliver.

"I guess it has," Oliver says. "Well, a bus is sort of a big wheel thing with a motor that carries lots of people places and fast." He looks at them. "Okay, I can see you don't get the bus thing. Maybe I could, like, take your guards out and show it to them if, um, they'd let go of me and get their swords out of my face. I like my face. Most chicks dig it, too."

Lois nods. "Do as he says."

The guards look disappointed, but they let go of Oliver, and he gestures to them to follow him. "Hey, do you guys have a chain saw?" Oliver is saying as they leave.

When he is gone, Lois turns to me. "Well, then, we must find you some proper clothing. If we are to marry, you must meet The General and Motherella." Then, in case I don't get it, she adds, "My father. The king. And mother. The queen. So we can arrange the wedding."

Lady Lutessa finally lunges at Lois. I'm pretty close to joining her.

Great. Girl fight.

Somebody save me.