Come What May
Devil's Trap spoilers. Rating T Summary: Set between "Killing this demon means everything." and "Not everything." Sam realizes why.
Sam couldn't remember when it had changed for him. Maybe just at that moment with the Colt pointed at his father, who was ordering him to kill him, destroy the demon he still held within his body, and his brother on the floor behind him, whispering for their father's life.
But as much as he'd insisted on destroying the demon being his only reason for being on the hunt with Dean, as much as he'd convinced himself that he would gladly and willingly give up his own life to destroy it, he'd never imagined having to take his father's life.
He knew his father. He knew his father wanted nothing more than to destroy the demon that had shattered his life twenty two years ago. He'd given up his life and his sons to that pursuit and nothing else. Sam knew that letting the demon escape was the wrong move in his father's eyes, whatever the cost. He'd seen the sickening disappointment in his father's eyes as he fell back to the floorboards.
It wasn't his father's eyes he was worried about. It was Dean's. Dean's eyes would never forgive him. Dean had shot one guy without hesitation, had freed Meg knowing it would kill her. Dean had confessed only the previous night that he was barely holding himself together. Dean, who's only compass on what was right or wrong was based on what would or would not hurt Sam or his father.
Sam looked at his brother in the back seat as they drove. He was as white as a sheet, and the blood still seeping out of the demon's wounds on his chest looked black as tar. But his eyes met Sam's in the mirror.
Somewhere along all the miles they had travelled together it had all changed, and Sam didn't know where or when.
Back in Fitchburg he had stood in the background and listened to Dean confess his willingness to do anything to save his little brother to another version of himself, twenty years ago. Said out loud and almost without hesitation, utter and bald truth, knowing that Sam could hear every word. Neither of them had commented on that moment. Somehow it didn't seem to need it. Neither of them was big on the talking things out chick flick moments, and Dean could be as prickly and defensive as a cactus if it approached anything he wasn't ready to admit. But this was so obvious as to go without saying.
How many times had Dean saved his life over the past year? Over the entire course of his life? It didn't matter. Because they didn't keep track that way. Sam had done his share of fighting, and hunting, and saving, despite being the one both father and brother had labelled 'Fragile Handle with Care' from the very beginning.
It didn't matter. They didn't keep track that way. They kept track with being able to count on each other when it really mattered. Knowing the other had your back. Knowing your brother or your father was going to be there snoring beside you when you finally hit the lumpy uncomfortable bed in whatever fleabag motel you ended up in.
Sam looked at the white face of his elder brother in the rear view mirror and their eyes met. His father accused him of betraying their cause. Killing the demon was the only thing that mattered. And somewhere along the line it had all changed again. Because his father was wrong. And Sam finally understood why. His father had always been wrong to drag them around the country, indoctrinate them in his obsession, destroy their childhood with danger and adult roles too soon, but now Sam finally understood why.
Because of the wordless gratitude Sam read in Dean's face. Sam owed Dean everything. He knew that. He known that forever. He'd never, never, been able to imagine being able to repay his brother for raising him, teaching him to brush his teeth, taking him to school that first day, explaining the times tables to him… everything. Everything. Even when Sam had gone off to Stanford he'd known he was only capable of such a thing because Dean had given it to him. Given him an identity that could imagine peace and law and girls to marry and live happily ever after with.
But from the look on Dean's face, Sam knew he'd chosen correctly. Come what may. Jess was gone. Mom was gone. They weren't coming back. But his father and brother were still here, and that was why his father was wrong. Vengeance for the dead was as nothing compared to having the ones you loved most live and breathe beside you for one more day.
Sam owed Dean everything. And though they didn't keep count that way, Sam was glad he'd been able to do this one thing for his brother.
Come what may.