A/N: Do not own. So this is sooner than normal but maybe I can update monthly? We'll see. A warning, here. This chapter does include suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviors, more than normal anyway. It's the last section of this chapter. - -'s are sign language conversations, x's a scene breaks, and italics are either bonded conversations or thoughts. As always, use your words.
-x-
"Enough." He interjected finally, green eyes locked on the pacing, ranting younger man. Henry had let him rant and rave for nearly half an hour, hoping that eventually Jake would either stop or realize his tactics weren't working. But it was now after midnight and they had rounds to make before either of them could sleep. He was hoping that they could have a quick conversation about what had happened, but Jake was proving Eric right. He had known Jake was testing him, but he had hoped he would stick with his usual attitude and snapping, something that he could handle with a quiet word or a stinging spell. Not this. He hadn't thought the younger man would break one of the few rules he had given him when he took over as his legal cosigner, his guardian.
Jake grumbled under his breath for a moment, glancing at his time piece. "I have rounds to make." He snapped, moving toward the door that lead to the counselors hallway.
"We have rounds to make. I don't see why we can't walk and talk, quietly." Henry replied firmly, standing and moving toward him. He gestured toward the door, raising an eyebrow at the younger man's glare. Didn't Jake realize that sulking made him look so much younger?
He huffed softly, opening the door and strolling down the hall toward the door that lead out into the castle. They always did a quick sweep of the safe rooms near the counselors office and the areas surrounding the camp before going through the camp. He stepped out into the castle and frowned, lighting his wand and turning to look again down the hallway. He thought he had seen movement. But as the counselors on duty, neither of them had felt the bracelets go off, so unless they hadn't been in their room, no one had left the camp. It was an ingenious design of Filius', the bracelets. They were similar to the pendants all of the staff wore, except that the two bracelets were for the camp specifically. If a student left their bunk room, the bracelets went off. If the self-injury ward was triggered, the bracelets went off. Those two bracelets when to whichever two staff members were on-duty that night. Usually counselors were alerted by their pendants if the self injury ward or the nightmare ward were triggered in their particular cabins, but if they didn't respond to the ward or the ward was triggered somewhere else, like the bathrooms, the bracelets went off for the on-duty staff. The bracelets made their jobs just a little bit easier. He hesitated, glancing at Henry before looking back down the hallway again. He finally looked back at the older man and raised in eyebrow, he had a feeling he needed to go check that out and they could do this faster if they went separate directions. He waited until Henry nodded before moving silently toward where he thought he had seen something. Hopefully it wasn't serious.
Henry lit his wand, glancing in both directions before heading toward what was now dubbed the counseling floor. He moved past the offices, causally checking each door. The counselors and healers were pretty good at locking their offices back. When they all seemed clear, he moved on to the hallway with the safe rooms, glancing at each door as he passed. These doors were never locked but they were each charmed to show if there was someone in them.
Jake frowned, finally spotting the boy he thought he had seen. "Daniel." He called softly, sighing when the child flinched and shoved something in his pocket.
Daniel grimaced, biting his lip after shoving the piece of roll with cheese into his pocket. Of course he would get caught sneaking back into the camp. He did relax fractionally when he realized it was Jake and not someone else. "Sorry Jake."
"What are you doing up?" He asked, although he was pretty sure he knew the answer to that. He was going to have to talk to Alexis about getting a refrigerator for the common area. It would keep the teenagers from sneaking out when they were hungry at least.
He hesitated before shrugging. "I was hungry." He answered finally. He knew Jake wouldn't hurt him, even if he did have to squash the feeling that he was doing something wrong.
"You know you can always ask and we can get food brought up. I don't want you going hungry because you are afraid to ask or sneaking out and getting hurt. Alright?" He responded calmly, meeting the teenager's eyes for a long moment before the boy long away.
"Okay, Jake." Daniel removed the food from his pocket slowly. He knew Jake wouldn't take it from him but that didn't make it any easier.
Jake held open the door to the camp, gesturing the teen inside. The fact that Daniel took the food back out of his pocket showed how much the teenager had come to trust him. That gave him a small, warm feeling inside. Because even if it was slow, these teens were healing. "Eat and then bed." He ordered firmly.
Daniel nodded, taking a bite of his make-shift sandwich as he headed back into his cabin. He was tired after all, the only reason he had gone in search of food was because he had been more hungry than tired.
Jake waited a moment before going back into the hallway to catch up with Henry. They would check each of the cabins next, so he could make sure all of his boys were in bed.
-x-
Eric gave a soft groan, leveraging himself out of his armchair and toward Rose's room just before he felt the wards go off. The last few nights Rose had been having horrendous nightmares, ever since she had taken the negative magic out of Alexis. Since they still weren't quite sure what she did or how she could do it, the only thing they could do was wake her up and comfort her. She always refused to talk about the nightmares, and they both knew that she was bound to have some anyway, he could only wonder if they were worse because of the creature's magic. He entered her room quietly, eyes falling on the thrashing child. "Rose." He called softly, letting his magic reach out to her. The thrashing stopped and the girl gave off a soft moan. "It's okay Rose. You are safe. You are at Hogwarts." It did help that their magic was connected, because he could use the feel of his magic to calm her.
She groaned, slowly blinking open her eyes and turning her head toward where she was pretty sure Eric was. "Sorry." She whispered, trying to shove that dream down, tried to force the fear away. It had been an odd one, as well. It hadn't felt like her own.
He bit back a sigh, shaking his head. "You have nothing to apologize for. Everyone has bad dreams. Do you want to talk about it?" He responded quietly, gently brush the hair away from her face.
Rose hesitated, sitting up slowly and pulling her legs toward her. "I..I do but I don't understand it." She answered finally, shaking her head to try to clear it.
He very slowly sat down on the side of her bed, causing her to move her legs a little more. She had never wanted to talk about it before, so this was progress, at least. "It's alright if it doesn't seem to make sense. Talking it out may help." He responded, moving his arm slightly when she leaned into him, before carefully putting it around her shoulders. She still flinched before pressing into his side.
"It was...weird. I was in a field, running. Happy. And then suddenly I wasn't. There was this dark room and a mattress on the floor, where she sleeps. I could hear them, I could hear what they were saying, what they were doing but I couldn't see them. One of them was hurting her and then she screamed and you woke me up." She grimaced, shaking her head. It had felt so real and she had felt so scared, but it wasn't something that had happened to her. Not like that. Her nightmares were usually pieces of her past, but that wasn't. That dream wasn't hers.
Eric blinked, catching the switch of pronouns. "She?" He inquired finally, letting the tiniest bit of his calming magic flow into her. He could feel how scared and confused she was, after all. This magical connection had its good and bad sides, feeling each other's emotions was often both.
Rose bit her lip, running a hand through her hair for a moment before sighing softly. "You're going to think I'm crazy."
"Try me."
"I don't think...I mean, it wasn't...It's not my dream. The first part maybe, but the bad stuff? That's not mine. It wasn't me on that bed. It was...I think it was Karrie. " She answered finally, eyes focused on her bedspread. She didn't want to see the look on his face, if he really thought she might be crazy.
The dark-skinned healer did sigh then. He had a feeling he knew exactly what had caused this nightmare, or rather memory, if he was correct in his thinking. He had started researching through all the books they had and had wrote some friends, the moment they had noticed that Rose's use of magic was very...unusual. It had taken a few days, but a friend from South America had sent back an owl with a very old tribal manuscript and a letter. Rose had the same magical ability as several early shaman-healers. Her ability to cleanse magic was still unusual, it was a magical talent that she had, but the book would help them understand her abilities and help her control them. From a brief glance through the book, he knew there was one shaman who said that sometimes memories attached themselves to negative energy and magic, by drawing it from a person, he pulled it into himself. "Did you, by any chance, take magic from Karrie recently?" He asked finally, closing his eyes when she nodded. They had just talked about this recently, after she had helped Alexis. And here she was, still doing it.
"This morning. All the magic around her...it hurts her, so I bleed it off. Just like I do for Emma." She replied before groaning. She hadn't meant to tell him that.
"Rose." He admonished, shaking his head. What was he going to do with this child? "You are not crazy. When you took magic from Karrie, a memory must have attached itself to the energy. That's a consequence of taking other's magic. Drawing magic from Karrie or Emma, or anyone, can have consequences, particularly when you do not have control of your abilities. " He had been wondering why Emma's magic wasn't spilling over as much anymore, so that was the answer to that. But what did she mean that magic hurts Karrie? He still needed to look into the young teen's magic, but right now, the teenager curling into his side needed his attention.
"So, does that mean she doesn't have the memory anymore?" She questioned, frowning slightly. It made sense that it was a memory of Karrie's, actually. If she could take bad memories from them with the magic, that might be worth the nightmares she had. But that did make her wonder if her other odd dream, a few days before, was a memory.
"Unfortunately, no. She will still have that memory. What came with the magic was a copy or echo of the memory." Eric replied, raising an eyebrow at the girl. "So no, you should not try doing that as a way to purge your friends of bad memories. The cost is not worth it and they will still have the memories in the end." What he wouldn't tell her was that that memory was probably forefront in Karrie's mind now, because it had been drawn forward with the magic. Which meant that it was probably in Karrie's nightmares tonight.
She leaned into the dark-skinned healer's side for a few minutes more before yawning softly. "Okay, Eric." She answered, shrugging slightly. It didn't mean she couldn't experiment, but for now she was tired and she thought she felt safe enough to try to sleep again.
"Lay down, mon petit." He encouraged quietly, standing slowly. He waited until she had laid back, before pulling the cover back over her and picking up the stuffed elephant that had managed to find the floor. "Dors mon petit."
She fought fluttering eyelids, trying to stay awake just for a moment. "Petit?" If she was going to be his apprentice, she thought she might have to learn French.
"My child." He smiled softly as she drifted off to sleep. She looked so much younger with her elephant securely in her arms. He waited a few minutes, to make sure she was truly asleep, before leaving quietly. He had rounds to make after all.
-x-
Harry groaned, opening his eyes slowly. Karrie was having a bad dream, again. He turned his head to see his sister, reaching out to touch her wrist. "Just a dream Karrie." He muttered, frowning when she didn't wake. They could always easily wake each other up, so the fact that she wasn't waking up was odd.
Remus sat up, glancing at his husband when the younger man groaned. The ward was going off in Harry's room, but that honestly didn't mean it was Harry having a nightmare. The two preteens tended to sleep in the same room more and more. "I got it." He murmured, summoning his robe and leveraging himself out of bed.
"No, please. No! NO!"
"Karrie, wake up! It's a dream." Harry paled, seeing the magic dance on his sister's skin. He knew her scream would have woken up Remus and Severus, which might not be a bad thing. He hesitated before touching her wrist again. "Come on Karrie, you're scaring me."
Remus didn't bother knocking, quickly entering Harry's room. From her scream, he could guess what nightmares were terrorizing her tonight. He didn't touch her, knowing that she might lash out without meaning to. "Karrie, you are at Hogwarts, in our quarters. You are safe. No one can hurt you here." He stated firmly, knowing that she could hear him. He hoped that he could ground her in the present enough to draw her out of the past. "You are safe, Karrie. It is just a dream."
She whimpered, trying to find a way out. She could hear Remus and Harry but she couldn't follow their voices, not tonight. All she could see was the dark, the four walls surrounding her, the shadows. "NO!" She screamed, shrieking as the pain filled her.
Remus sighed softly, forming a shield around her to keep the accidental magic from lashing out at Harry. "Harry, go to Papa please." He instructed softly, raising an eyebrow when the boy shook his head. "I know you want to help her, but right now I need you to listen to me. Alright?"
But he could reach her! She was his twin in all but blood and their magic responded to each other. She was always able to calm him, so he should be able to calm her. Granted, the swirl of magic surrounding her was intimating but she was his sister! "But-"
"Harry." Severus called softly, leaning against the doorway. He had moved as soon as he heard that shriek. Shrieks filled with that much raw emotion were never good and he would rather Harry not be in danger, since Karrie's magic would lash out. He beckoned to the preteen, catching Remus' eye. He knew the older man would call him if he needed help.
Green eyes darted between the two men and his sister. He was torn. He wanted to help Karrie, she was his sister. But he was also tired and he wanted to trust his guardians that they could help her, that they would take care of both of them. He hesitated, taking a step toward Severus before glancing back toward the bed.
"I'll protect her, Harry. Go to Papa." Remus stated firmly to the messy-haired child, addressing his unspoken fear. Sometimes the child's face was an open book.
Severus rested a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder when he finally came to him, leading him out of the room and down the hallway toward his and Remus' bedroom. Hopefully he could convince the child to go back to sleep.
He sat down on Harry's side of the bed, moving so that he was next to her. "Listen to my voice Karrie. It is just a dream, just a memory. It can't hurt you anymore. You are safe." He kept the shield up, her magic was still lashing out. It was trying to protect her from unseen abusers.
She whimpered again, curling up to protect her head and stomach. Karrie tried to force the fear down, tried to think. It was just a dream. Just a dream, right? She curled up tighter, feeling the shadows looming over her. "Please don't. Please."
"Karrie. You are not there. You are not in that room. You are in Harry's bed at Hogwart's. You are safe, sweetheart. Safe. I will not let anyone hurt you." He hated that he couldn't protect her from the demons in her mind. From the monsters who had hurt his child. He hesitated for a moment before slowly placing his hand over hers. "I'm right here, sweetheart. You are safe."
There had to be a way out, a way to wake up. She forced her mind to calm down, forced the terror away, before scanning the dark room carefully. Rooms had doors, right? She just had to find a door. She stumbled forward, forcing herself to not look at the bed, to not look at what was happening. There. There was a door.
Remus squeezed the preteens hand gently when she started to stir. "That's it. It's okay Karrie. You are safe." He repeated softly, dropping the shield that had kept her magic from lashing out.. Her magic seemed much calmer now, at least.
She groaned, opening green eyes. "Dad." She mumbled, trying to fight the last of the dream off, wanting one of the two people who can make it better, make her feel less terrified.
He moved slowly, keeping his movements very obvious, helping the preteen sit up and wrapping an arm around her. "You are safe Karrie." She had called him dad. Neither preteen had used those familial words for either of them before.
She rubbed her eyes, brushing the sleep and tears away. She hesitated, fighting down the fear of the dream for a moment before lunging into Remus' arms She felt those arms tighten around her, even as he shifted her so that she was sitting more comfortably on his lap. No one had ever held her like this before, no one had ever loved her like these two men did. Two men who she knew would never harm her like that, like the monsters in her memories did. Karrie bit down hard on her lip, trying to keep the tears locked in. She wasn't a baby after all.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
She shook her head, burying her face into his robe. If she talked about it, she would cry.
"Okay. It's okay, Karrie." He responded gently, rubbing her back. He could smell the tears she was trying so hard to hide. Honestly, he was pretty sure he knew exactly what she was dreaming about, it wouldn't be the first time that she had one of those dreams. It was hard to get her to talk about her dreams, particularly the dreams that were actual memories, but they had been able to get enough from her over the last few weeks to put the pieces together.
Karrie took a breath and finally stopped fighting the tears, clutching his robe with one hand. She felt his hold on her tighten and relaxed slightly. Because he had her, Remus had her. The two men who had invited them into their home, into their lives, would protect her and Harry. She was safe here, which is why she gave in to the tears. Because Remus wouldn't see them as weak. And crying, after all, sometimes made her feel just a little bit better.
-x-
Henry fought back a chuckle, eyeing the young man who was sprawled on his stomach, asleep on top of his bed. He twitched his wand, gently moving the blanket out from under the young man. He carefully covered Jake with a blanket, watching the younger man sleep for a moment. He glanced at his own bed, before sighing softly. All the children were in bed and asleep, as were the younger counselors, as he had glanced in on all the cabins and the connected counselor rooms. And he really, really needed to go for a walk. He very quietly moved out of their room, down the counselor hallway and into the castle. He almost always got lost in the castle but tonight he knew exactly where he needed to go.
-x-
Eric frowned, glancing toward his office door at the slight knock before looking at the timepiece. He had gotten Rose back to sleep and he had made his rounds. It was nearly two in the morning and he had been about to lie down on the make-shift bed that was his office couch. He really needed to hire another healer for the medical wing. "Come." He called finally. It wasn't a student, at least, so it had to be a counselor.
Henry hesitated before opening the door and stepping inside the head healer's office. "Eric."
"You look like shit."
He snorted, shaking his head. It was late, after all. "Thanks." He surveyed the older healer and debated if perhaps he should just go. Eric needed sleep, which was hard enough to get on-call as it was.
The dark skinned healer frowned, tilting his head slightly before standing. "Walk with me." He stated briskly, moving out of his office and toward the door of the medical wing. He didn't wait for Henry, knowing that the younger healer would obey him.
Henry sighed softly, following the man out into the corridor and down the hall. He raised an eyebrow when Eric stopped at a patch of bare wall.
He placed his hand on the wall for a moment, before stepping back. He waited a moment for the door to appear before opening it and gesturing Henry through. It was one of the first places Alexis had shown him, the outdoor terrace herbal garden, just outside the medical wing. It was a good place for healers to talk, relax, and calm down. He had a feeling Henry needed to do all of those things. He sat down in his favourite patio chair, eyes gazing out over the railing to study the grounds. It was even more beautiful at night. He waited for the other man to sit, before sighing softly. "Want to talk about it?" He questioned quietly, eyes focusing on the grounds.
He hesitated, eyes scanning the landscape for a moment. "I...I don't know, Eric. I had a talk with Jake and all I feel now is anger."
"I'm going to assume that it's not Jake that you are angry at. " He commented softly, glancing toward the younger man.
"Of course not, now that the fear is gone. I disciplined him and his reactions...I want to hurt them, Eric. Badly. Leave them with their worse nightmares dancing through their heads and make them feel the pain they caused him, all of it." He responded finally, keeping his eyes locked on the lake he could just barely see. He didn't want to see Eric's reaction to that, even if he thought the older man would understand, at least. Because he did want to hunt Jake's father and former Master down and make them suffer, badly. So much so that he considered going there instead of coming here.
He gave a soft sigh, turning to fully see the other healer. Henry was amazing at what he did, he had been working with him for a while now, so he knew that Henry had iron control on his actions and emotions. Which was why the younger man had ended up with him, instead of hunting someone down. "I wanted to do the same to both Remus' and Alexis' 'parents' and caretakers. The first time I disciplined either of them was just as hard for me as it was for them. It's alright to feel anger, rage. Hearing their stories is so much easier than seeing that fear in their eyes, as watching them fall into flight-or-fight. Knowing what happened to them is different than experiencing the after-effects of it." He respond quietly, shaking his head slightly.
Henry was a mindhealer and what he was saying was what masters usually told their apprentices, when they first started healing. Hell, it was what he had told several of the younger counselors. That it was okay to be angry, when they were alone. That it was okay to be upset, disturbed, angry, or whatever they happened to feel about what had happened to the students, when the students weren't around. He knew this, he knew it was perfectly acceptable to be angry about the treatment of the teenagers at the camp. And he had been, but he had pushed it down, kept it under lock, so that he could do his job. He couldn't push this back, no matter how hard he tried. The rage he felt on Jake's behalf was strong and almost frightening. "I know this, Eric."
"When Alexis came to us, she had constant night terrors, she couldn't stand to be touched, she was just generally terrified. Of us, of her situation, of the only life she had ever known. One night she was helping me clean up after supper, Tim was working late. She went to put a glass up and she dropped it. When I turned around to make sure she was okay, she bolted straight through the shards of glass. She didn't even have shoes on. It took an hour for me to calm her down enough so that she would let me look at her feet. It took me another hour to assure her that it was an accident and she wasn't in trouble. Once I managed to get her into bed, I downed a bottle of scotch. It took a bottle of scotch for me to briefly shove down the sheer terror in her eyes, the blood on her feet, the fact she thought she would be beaten for an accident. The anger came back once the alcohol wore off. I wanted to do serious harm to the person who hurt her. But what good would that do? No good could come from harming their abusers." He remarked, eyes tracing the stars for a moment before turning back to focus on Henry.
"They wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else." Henry grimaced, turning his eyes back to looking out over the grounds. He had seen that look on Eric's face, after all. It had been a long time since he had spoken without thinking, spoken in anger. He was so good at controlling his emotions, of locking down his true feelings until he was alone. He wasn't used to not being able to lock down this type of anger.
"Do we really need to have that conversation?" He had actually had to have that conversation with several younger healers, about why they didn't give into the rage that made them want to track down abusers, of what those consequences really were, in terms of both their career and personal lives. He had even had to have that conversation with Tim a few times. He knew that Henry was not one he would have to have that conversation with. For Henry to be able to do what he did, he would have already had that conversation, years ago when he was training. The younger healer had iron control over himself and his impulses. He wasn't about to go hunting for demons.
"Of course not, Eric. I'm just...I could really use a glass of whiskey." He responded quickly, shaking his head. He knew Eric understood what he had meant, where he was coming from.
The dark-skinned healer chuckled, shaking his head. "No good would come from that. You would still feel the rage eventually. Just with a throbbing headache. I had the pleasure of also having a very unhappy husband."
That was right, Eric used to have an alcohol problem when he was much younger. It hadn't occurred to him when the other man had told that story. He had known the older man for nearly fifteen years, they had started working together when he was in his mid-twenties. Eric had been the head healer of a children's ward and had employed him. They had worked late one night, he had caught suicidal behaviour in a teenager before it had happened and the two of them had spend several hours with that teenager, talking him down. Afterwards, when they both had calmed down, he had suggested getting drinks. Eric had refused and explained. He didn't talk about it often, but he didn't really hide it either. " I know that. I'm just not used to this. I'm always so careful to keep my emotions out of it, to keep what I feel inside and private. But this...this rage, I can't seem to lock it down."
He wasn't surprised that the younger healer couldn't quite figure it out. Henry's only apprentice had come from a good, wealthy home and he had always been able to hold his patients at a distance. He had to,healers who did what Henry did, the very few there were, didn't survive this long without being able to lock down those emotions, to distance their personal lives from their patients. "That's because this is more personal. You care for Jake, you've gotten to know the different sides to that young man. Feeling anger and outrage at what he went through is perfectly normal. Allow yourself to feel that rage and it will be much easier to control."
He sighed, shaking his head. It wasn't that easy for him. Before his healer had quit, he had someone to talk to, someone he could feel around. But that mind-healer, like all the other mind-healers he had tried, couldn't handle it for very long. He couldn't just allow himself to feel rage for Jake, because if he stopped his control to feel that one emotion, the other emotions would slam him. Eric would understand that if he told him but he really didn't have the extra time or energy to try and find another healer right now.
"You stopped seeing your healer, didn't you?"
"It wasn't my choice." He frowned, glancing at the older healer. He was the one who was suppose to be able to read body language for clues. He knew that Eric had years on him, however, and had worked with him long enough to be able to read him.
That made more sense then. He would have to find another healer for the younger man, sooner rather than later. Henry was very good at locking emotions down, but if he never let them out, never talked about what he felt, he would have a break down. Very few healers could do what Henry did and they could only do so with a strong support system behind them, which Henry usually had. "Until we can find you another healer, you will come talk to me."
"Eric-"
"It's not a suggestion, Henry.
He scowled for a moment, shaking his head. "You have too much to do as it is. You are down a healer, Eric. You are stretched too thin. I couldn't do that to you." He really couldn't. Eric had too much on his plate at the moment. It would just be easier if he waited until school started back, when there would be more adults around to keep an eye on things, to find another mind-healer. He didn't have the time, right now.
"Alright." The dark skinned healer smirked when the younger healer looked at him. Henry wasn't expecting him to give in that easy. He wasn't giving in. Henry would talk to him or another healer regularly. Unlike with Alexis, Henry didn't have a choice. Always forcing emotions down, always watching people, observing their behaviours...healers like Henry didn't last long without having someone to talk to, someone to tell all the secrets and fears they had seen to. The younger man would either break down entirely or go insane if he kept everything locked inside of him. And Henry knew that. That's why the guild required healers in Henry's profession, the handful of them that there were, to have a mindhealer that they saw regularly. "You don't have to talk to me. There are three other healers at Hogwarts who should be able to handle it."
Of the several mind-healers, counselors, and healers at Hogwarts, he could still instantly figure out who Eric meant. "No. Paul has been sober for over a year, I won't drive him back to drinking. Alexis has way too much to handle as it is and it would mess with our work. Tim has his hands full as well. I won't burden any of them with that." He replied quietly, turning his eyes back to the stars. He would wait, that was all there was to it. Surely he could wait the three weeks until school started back.
"Then that settles it, you will talk to me."
"I can just wait, Eric. It's only a couple of weeks."
He kept his eyes on the younger healer, shaking his head slightly. That told him more than it didn't. It did make him wonder how long the other man had been without a healer. "How long has is been since you released your iron control?"
"Eric.."
"How long, Henry?"
He closed his eyes, sighing softly. He hadn't wanted to get into this. He had just wanted to talk to Eric about Jake, because he knew Eric would understand, Eric could help. "Since the end of May." He answered finally, knowing the if he didn't answer, Eric would just keep pushing.
"So we do need to talk. You can't wait much longer, Henry. If the Guild found out...And even if they didn't, your mind needs that release of emotions. You know this. I know things are a bit hectic here, right now, but you need to talk about it." Eric responded softly, raising an eyebrow when the other healer snorted.
"How did this go from Jake to me needing a healer?" He shook his head, turning his eyes to meet dark ones. "Alright. I will talk to you. But can we do it tomorrow? I'm tired, you're tired, and we both need sleep before the children wake." He answered finally. He knew he needed someone to talk to. He even knew that it made him better at his job, especially when he had someone he could discuss the things he was noticing with, which was one of the reasons he went through the list of at-risk students with Alexis each week. Eric would be easy to talk to and an extra set of eyes and ears to discuss students with.
"Two o'clock, then?"
"That works for me."
-x-
It was just past seven, the other boys were grumbling and slowly getting dressed, so he had slipped easily from the room. No one noticed. They never did. That was a perk of being a bully, the other boys his age paid him little attention. Which meant he could easily go see his cousin. They did this almost every morning, meeting up in the lounge for a quiet moment before their groups separated them again. Derek paused as his neared one of the couches, easily spotting the blond hair that matched his. "Ari?" He called softly, grimacing when the girl jumped.
She flinched, not looking at the younger teenager. She kept her arms around her knees, her head against them. If she looked at Derek, he would know that she hadn't slept, again. He would know something was wrong. When they had realized they were both there for the summer, she had known that it would be easier to pretend like they didn't know each other, even if Lila had taken a bit to convince. Their fathers were brothers and while the two men were very different in their methods of abuse, they were both still abusive. "I'm fine. How did you sleep?" She questioned, still not bothering to look up.
"Liar, Liar, pants on fire."
"Don't be juvenile, Derek."
Derek frowned, tilting his head slightly. She rarely ever called him Derek, she knew how much he hated that name. So either she wasn't thinking or Ariana was about to have a break down. He opened his mouth to question her but stopped when Lila came skipping into the room with her headphones in place. He knelt, hugging the little girl when she came bouncing to him. The other boys always teased him about being soft for Lila, but he had argued that everyone was soft for the silent ten year old.
-Der- She grinned, leaning into the hug before moving toward her sister with a frown. -Aria?- She poked her sister, grimacing when the older girl pulled away. -Aria? Der?- She turned back to the boy, signing quickly.
He sighed softly, shaking his head. -I'll look after her. No sleep- He signed back, hating the fear in the little girl's eyes. "Go to your counselors, Lila. " He ordered softly, gently squeezing the younger girl's shoulder as he moved past her to sit beside Ariana. He honestly didn't care if the others realized they were related, they had decided to hide it to protect Lila. "Do you want to talk about it?"
The blue-eyed girl grimaced, watching her sister's retreating back. The others would be leaving the bunks soon. She didn't have time for this. "I'm fine, Derek."
"Since when do you call me that?"
She blinked, shaking her head. "I'm sorry Der. I'm wasn't thinking. I'm fine."
Why was she lying to him? She always got mad when he lied to her and she usually didn't lie to him. They were honest with each other, because who else knew them as well as the other. She always fussed at him for trying to be his father and he always fussed at her for trying to ignore the demons that haunted her. They took care of each other, because before this summer, no one else ever had. "Ari, please."
"Leave me alone!"
"Ariana." He reached out to touch her arm, freezing when she violently jerked away. He hated it but he was glad when one of the counselors poked their head into the room. He didn't even care who it was, because something was wrong.
"Leave me the fuck alone! Take care of her and leave ME ALONE!" She screamed, losing what control she had left. She hadn't slept in three days, her mind was a wreck and she was done. She couldn't do this anymore. She jumped up, determined to get away from him, and the counselors now staring at her, before he figured out what she meant.
He stood slowly, not looking at the older teens streaming into the room from their bunks. They probably thought he was being mean to her, but he really didn't care. "No." He responded softly, catching her wrist when she went to move around him. "No, Ari. You have to stop hiding."
"Derek Joseph, if you do not let go of me.."She hissed, letting her anger drop into her tone. She wasn't angry at him and she hoped he knew that. But she was using her 'older cousin' voice, because he always obeyed that. Until now.
"Ariana Elizabeth, you don't get to boss me around anymore." He snarled back. He knew she could break out of his hold if she wanted to, he wasn't holding her wrist with very much strength at all.
"Yes I fucking do. LET. GO. NOW!" She snapped. He had no right to use her middle name. Not here. "Do as I say Der." She added, a bit quieter. He just had to let her go, leave her alone so she could suffer in peace.
"Derek." Jake called quietly, catching the boy's eyes when he glanced toward him. "Let her go, it's okay. You can let her go now." He beckoned to the younger teenager, casting his eyes quickly toward Mary and Henry. Both of them had moved slowly toward the two, with Henry moving more to block the doorway. Charlie and Kate had both quickly moved their respective groups back into their room and raised the wards on the entry ways. Rani and Phil were working on getting all of the older teens safely out of harms way. He had already informed Alexis, so she was on her way. They had a plan in place if something liked this happened and so far, it was effectively working.
He hesitated, eyes going from Jake to the few counselors left in the room. When he realized that the door was blocked and they were closer than he thought, he let go, stepping back quickly when she darted toward the door. He moved toward Jake quickly, hesitantly glancing at the older man.
Ariana growled, realizing that in her argument with Derek, the counselors had her loosely surrounded. She could escape, she just had to figure out which doorway would be her quickest out.
"You did good, Derek. I'm proud of you. Go back in the bunks, okay? We will make sure she stays safe." Jake murmured, gently squeezing the boy's shoulder before directing him toward his cabin. All of the staff had been made aware that Ariana, Derek, and Lila were cousins, so none of them were surprised to catch a quiet moment between the three. Nor was he surprised that Derek would catch when something wasn't quite right with Ariana. He was just surprised Henry hadn't caught it first. He waited a minute, waiting until the last student was in the bunks and the wards were raised before nodding to Mary.
"What's going on, Ariana?" Mary inquired quietly, following the girl's movements but keeping her distance, for now. If the teenager thought she was getting out, she was wrong. Not only were all the bunk doors closed, but the wards wouldn't let anyone in or out who didn't have a pendant. Every exit was warded. The teenager wasn't going anywhere until they figured out what was wrong.
"Nothing is going on! I'm fine!" She snarled, eyes darting from door to door. But there were five counselors and they were blocking almost every door. Except for the bathrooms. She could go from the bathroom to any of the bunks, including the counselors, and she knew from eavesdropping, that there was an exit door to the castle somewhere around their rooms. She needed out, now. She had to get out of here, get out of her head. She couldn't do this any longer.
"Clearly you're not. Something made your cousin worried about you." Mary replied calmly. She stopped moving, eyes locked on the blond. "I know you are upset, Ariana. We just want to make sure you are safe."
"I'M FINE!" She screeched, making up her mind and darting into the bathroom. She fled pass the sinks, around the cubicles of toilets, and past the showers. She grabbed the handle to her cabin and hissed, dropping her hand back down quickly. It had shocked her.
"What happens when she realizes she can't get out?"
"She'll hurt herself. She's planning to anyway, but when she realizes she's trapped, she will injure herself. She won't wait until she can get to where ever she is trying to escape to." Henry remarked quietly, shaking his head. The girl was escalating quickly. He had known for a few days that she was having problems, that there were signs that she could become suicidal with the right push, but it had been far off then. Today, however, he was almost sure she was suicidal. He just wasn't sure what had caused that drastic change. Perhaps the lack of sleep, as he had spotted the dark circles under her eyes.
She tried all the doors, fighting back a scream. She needed out. She needed to get away. She couldn't think, couldn't feel. Couldn't breath. She stopped suddenly, spotting someone's razor. One of the other girls must have shaved their legs this morning and forgotten about it. She grabbed it, cracking the plastic with a jab of her wand and removing the blade strip. She hissed when it bit into her finger, letting the wave of pain wash over her. She didn't hesitated, slashing it down her arm. It might not do as much damage as she wanted but it still allowed her to feel.
Jake sighed softly as the ward flared in his head. From Mary's look, he knew she had felt it too. There were some days when he really wished Henry wasn't so good at what he did. "Which she just did. " He stated, catching Henry's eyes. While they were all trained to handle this, Henry was the most experienced and was an expert in this.
He nodded, turning toward Mary. "Mary, let's see if you and I can at least get her out of the bathroom." Henry suggested, moving toward the girl's bathroom. While they had the girl in the bathroom, the other counselors could get the rest of the children, one bunk at a time, out of the camp and headed toward breakfast. He stopped just inside the bathroom door, listening for a moment before placing a gentle hand on Mary's shoulder. "She doesn't trust me, but she trusts you. You take the lead on this." He murmured calmly, he could almost feel her nerves. He would observe Ariana's behavior and body language, which would give them some clues, at least.
She hesitated for a moment before slowly moving toward the noise she could hear. She sighed softly, eyes landing quickly on the teenage girl who has blood running down her arm, even as she kept slashing at it. "I know you are hurting Ariana, but you don't need to hurt yourself. Can you put that down for me?" She inquired calmly, making sure her hands were visible.
"I'M FINE!" She screeched, glaring at the two counselors. She was cornered. Except...she wasn't. They had both moved so that she wasn't blocked in, she wasn't trapped. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" "We can't do that, Ariana. But we can sit down over here, if that's alright."
Mary respond, jerking her head toward the bench on one wall. She waited until the teen nodded before moving to sit down on that bench. She didn't have to look to know that Henry had done the same. "Can you tell me why you are harming yourself?" She requested, keeping her voice calm and gentle. As much as every fiber of her wanted to just take the blade from the girl, she knew that wouldn't help.
She halted her movement briefly, eyes glancing downward at the mess that was quickly becoming her left arm. "No." She answered finally, tightening her grip on the shitty makeshift blade. "Please just leave me alone."
"I can't, Ariana. You are harming yourself, so I can't leave you alone. " Mary was happy, at least, that the girl was just holding the blade for the moment. It was extremely hard to watch one of her teenagers harm herself.
"Why?"
The question sounded so innocence, so child-like that she had to fight the urge to chuckle. "Healer's Oath." she replied, giving the tiniest of smiles when the girl scowled. The teenagers hated that answer, because they couldn't really argue with it. "Can you put the blade down, Ariana?"
She bit her lip, closing her eyes for a brief second. She could but she didn't really want to. She didn't know what she wanted. She just couldn't do this anymore, she couldn't fight anymore. "I'm fine." "You keep saying that, but it doesn't really seem like it. " At least the teenager was no longer screaming it at them.
She was so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of feeling, of not feeling, of everything. Very few things truly mattered to her anymore. She had always worried about what would happen to Lila, but she was at Hogwarts now and Derek would take care of her. She couldn't...she really couldn't do this anymore. Her grip on the blade slipped but she didn't move to pick it up when it clattered to the floor. "I can't...I can't."
"What is it that you can't do?" She inquired gently, leaning forward slightly. She wasn't sure but she had a feeling she could guess.
She shook her head, scuffing her foot on the ground, eyes trained on her left arm. It really was a mess of shallow cuts. If she told them, they would stop her. If she told them, they'd lock her up. Then not being with Lila and Derek would no longer be her choice. She didn't want to hurt the two, but she just couldn't handle this anymore. It would be easier if it wasn't her choice, easier on them anyway.
"I know things seem pretty bleak right now Ariana. I know it even feels a little bit hopeless, but these feelings? They don't last. Eventually they get better, but it takes time and work, hard work. Giving up may feel like your only option, but it's not." Henry remarked quietly, drawing the girl's eyes to him for the first time since he had sat beside Mary.
"It is. It's the only option, the best option." She grimaced, rubbing her hand against her arm. The pain felt good but the stickiness was starting to get to her. It made her feel dirty, a physical type of dirty, and she didn't like that. She hated feeling dirty, even though she always felt dirty. She hated it.
"Do you really believe that, Ariana?" She asked calmly, tilting her head at the girl's darting eyes..If Ariana decided to run out of the bathroom, back into the camp, they wouldn't stop her. It wasn't like she could get out of the lounge either and there was a counselor in there still, just in case she took that route.. If she tried any of the doors, the girl would find that they were locked and the knobs would shock her. But the girl's eyes kept darting to the showers and she wasn't quite sure what the child had planned. Was the teenager planning on harming herself further?
She didn't know what she believed anymore. But she was tired and upset and sticky. With that thought, the blond bolted into the nearest shower stall, letting the door slam shut behind her.
Henry placed a gentle hand on Mary's shoulder, keeping her sitting on the bench. "Easy Mary." He whispered, turning his eyes back to the stall. He had noted Ariana's repeated glances at her arm, after all, and she had left the razor where it had fallen. While the girl had her wand still, he didn't think she was going to harm herself at the moment. "Ariana? Could you leave the door open please? We need to make sure you are not harming yourself. We will stay right here and not move, but only if we can see you. Okay?"
Was he trying to bargain with her? They'd let her do what she wanted, as long as they could see her? Fine, they were both healers anyway and she didn't have the energy to even undress to do this. She pushed the door back open, glancing at the two to make sure they weren't closer, before moving back into the shower. She turned the handle, fighting the urge to close her eyes as water poured over her. She wished, for a moment, that the water could wash everything away, could make this easier Could make her forget. The warm water was quickly washing the blood off of her and somehow, it made her feel just a little bit calmer.
The young woman standing under a shower on full blast, fully clothed, with blood running down her arm and her wet hair covering her face looked so young and in so much pain that she had to fight her resolve. As much as she wanted to go to the teenager and just hug her, Mary knew moving right now would break the little trust they were trying to establish. She knew what Henry was trying to do, after all. "I know you don't want to talk about it Ariana. And that's okay, we don't have to talk about it right now. I know talking about it makes it feel more real, harder to deal with. So we won't talk about it until you are ready. Would it be alright if I conjure a towel for you?"
She leaned into the wall, letting the water cascade down her. But as much as she wanted to, she couldn't stay in the shower forever. For one thing, the water would soon get cold. With her clothes soaked, she knew she would get cold quickly if she turned the water off. But her skin no longer felt sticky, the water had washed it all away. Even the tears she was trying so hard to fight. "Yes."She answered finally, reaching behind her to turn the water off before stepping out from under the shower head. She took a few steps out of the cubicle, still keeping her distance from them. She hesitated, spotting the large, fluffy towel Mary had conjured. She didn't want to move to them but she didn't want them moving toward her either. She didn't know what she wanted anymore. She took a careful step forward, grabbing the towel when the older woman held it out toward her. She quickly backed up, wrapping the warm and fluffy towel around herself.
"Did the water help?" She asked quietly, hoping that the warming spell she put on the towel would dry the girl's clothes or at least keep her warm enough that she wouldn't get sick.
She shrugged, pulling the towel tighter around herself. It had helped a little. She didn't feel sticky anymore and it had calmed her a bit. She was tired still and she knew she couldn't do this anymore, couldn't keep fighting. She was out of options, really. But to take herself away from her sister and cousin like that...it was hard. So hard and she wasn't so sure that they would understand, especially Lila. But what choice did she have left? She couldn't do this, she couldn't. And she didn't want to be locked away if she failed. So it was the only choice. Right? But Henry had said there were other choices, other options. She'd have to fight though and she just wasn't sure she could fight any longer.
He could see the conflict in her eyes, mixed in with the pain. It was time to discuss her options, to give her a chance to think rationally. "There are a few options for you right now, Ariana. You can choose to do as you are planning, of course. You can also talk about what you are feeling and thinking, to me, Mary, or to one of the other counselors. You can choose to go to the infirmary for a few days, just so that we can make sure you are safe, to get some rest. You can talk to your cousin and sister. You have many choices, Ariana. You don't have to make such a permanent one." Not that she would have a chance to try that option. Whatever the child picked she would be under surveillance for a while, especially since they knew she was suicidal.
The thought of sleeping was terrifying. But in the infirmary, with Eric or Poppy nearby, would be safer than sleeping in her cabin. And she was so tired, so very tired. She knew sleep wouldn't make it go away, wouldn't make everything better. But she could think clearer if she wasn't so tired, she didn't any know what she wanted anymore. She just knew she couldn't do it any longer, not the way she had been. Lila and Derek needed her still, just like she needed them. She couldn't do this to them, not to Lila and not to Derek. Not now. Not like this. "I.." She hesitated, eyes focused on the tiles beneath her feet. "I'm...I'm so tired."She whispered finally, finally giving in to the tears.
"It's okay, Ariana. It's okay. I know you are tired. You haven't slept in a while, have you?" Mary responded, shifting forward slightly. As much as she had tried, the teenager had spend quite a few nights that summer just lying awake in bed, refusing to sleep. She could so rarely get the girl to take a potion to help and she knew the teen pretended to sleep sometimes, when she checked on the girls.
"I don't want to be locked up."
He frowned, sharing a glance with Mary. Why on earth did the child think she would be locked up? Sure, she would be on suicide watch but he wasn't quite sure if that was what she meant. "What do you mean, Ariana?"
She grimaced, glancing at him briefly before locking away. "Der's mom. His dad had her locked away because she was crazy and he couldn't see her again. I don't want to be locked up." She explained after a moment, knowing her cousin would forgive her for sharing that secret of his. He hadn't seen his mother in over six years. That's why both of them had hid what had happened at home for so long, because they didn't want to be labeled as crazy too.
Henry closed his eyes for a moment, forcing his mind to calm down. Because that wasn't what had happened to Derek's mom. Eric had started inquires about her when Derek had mentioned, briefly to him, that his mother was crazy, so he must be too. The woman wasn't crazy and Eric's connections were slowly tracking her down, if for nothing else than to tell Derek that she was okay. "You aren't going to be locked away, Ariana. Restricted to the infirmary for a few days, perhaps, but not locked away. And you'd still be able to roam throughout the infirmary. And that would only be until we could be certain you won't seriously harm yourself. "
"You are also not crazy, Ariana. Hurting, in pain, and exhausted, yes. But not crazy. You are going to struggle, you are going to feel emotions that don't always make sense, you are going to have bad days. But none of that makes you crazy." Mary added quietly, fighting the urge to get up and hug the child. They had to do this on Ariana's terms, no matter how hard that was.
They wouldn't lock her up. Being restricted to the infirmary wasn't great bit she could visit Emma and Rose spent a lot of time up there. She wasn't being locked away. She might be able to handle that, even if it meant losing a little bit of freedom for a while. But she was so tired, so exhausted, that she really didn't want to do anything else. Because otherwise she'd have to talk. Otherwise she'd have to explain. And she couldn't, not right now. She didn't know what she wanted anymore but the infirmary was safe. She could sleep there, because someone was always near by. Ariana thought she might be able to do this, as much as she knew that she would have to talk eventually. That if she didn't finish the job now, remove herself from this life, that they would ask her questions until she finally gave in and talked. She wasn't sure she cared right now though. Because harming herself took work and energy, which she didn't have. Besides that, Lila and Derek needed her. She quickly brushed the tears away from her eyes, biting her lip for a moment. "I...will you go with me?" She asked quietly turning her eyes to Mary.
"Of course I will." She replied quietly, standing slowly and holding out a hand to the teenager. She waited while the teenager thought it over before a hand carefully took hold of hers. She squeezed the teenager's hand for a moment before gently wrapping an arm around the towel-wrapped girl. "Let's get you upstairs and then I'll get some clean clothes for you, alright?"
Henry followed the two silently, touching his pendant to send a message to Eric that they were heading up now. He knew that it would take time but eventually, the hurting teenager would heal. All of those at the camp would, students and staff, even if he knew that there would still be more work to do once school started back.