Link sat uncomfortably in the fields outside the arena. He stared blankly as he reached in his bag for a bottled fairy. In his mind he saw Young Link. This child who was so clearly a younger version of him, who is he; this is what he wanted to know. Where did he come from, and how can he exist. There can only be one Link, one green clad hero of the sword who shall defeat the evil Ganon. Of this he had been certain, but yet, if there are now two of him now, how many more of him could there be? It was an unpleasant notion, to think that there could be several of him. Link pushed the thoughts from his mind though as he located the bottled fairy he sought and removed it from the bag.
Upon seeing the imprisoned fairy, Navi began to rant about how very wrong it was. Link was used to it by now though, every time he plundered a fairy fountain she was right there nagging him about the ethical blasphemy he was committing.
"Link, what the hell? We talked about this!" Navi screamed as she buzzed around his head like a satellite on steroids. Link sighed and shook his head as he began to unseal the bottle.
"Oh come on Navi, it's not like I'm going to bite her head off or anything!"
"That doesn't make it right Link! You think you can just break into a fairy sanctuary and pillage and abduct the resident fairies? You're a monster, man. A monster! It's so unethical, treating fairies like items!"
"Unethical, heh, says you." Link replied as he took the offensive. "This coming from the girl who wants me to marry a gay prince solely because he is rich and will buy you stuff. Hypocrisy!"
"Well, damn, Link! You never buy me anything!" Navi pouted as she floated in front of Link's face. He tried to swat her away as he continued to speak.
"Well duh. Last time I checked, I was the Hero of Time, not you. Besides, you know we have a tight Rupee budget!"
"I'm sure you could survive without ten square pounds of hair products a day, Link! I mean come on Link, your cosmetics case is bigger than your weapons bag!"
"It's not that much bigger, besides, so what if I like to look good." Link grinned widely as he recalled various events, "We all know about the time I stopped a Dodongo with my star-quality looks. Ah yes, that was timeless."
"Ugh, man, Link, that was one time! That Dodongo was clearly half blind, and delusional from old age. You are not that pretty, I mean come one, Saria is prettier that you."
"You LIE!" Link screamed as a horrified expression took him over. Tears stung his eyes as the obviously blatant lie hit him. "My beauty is peerless! Am I not so gorgeous that maidens collapse at the very sight of me? Is my glorious personage not that which causes the village girls to drop to their knees and thank the gods? Is my hair not so wonderfully luxurious that barbers and stylists revere me as legend? Why, of course. My majestically unrivaled beauty is legend on par with my sword skills."
"Oh, fine! I've had enough of you. I'm leaving!" Navi screamed as she fled from Link. Link did not so much as give her a farewell glance as she flew off in the direction of a cave.
About an hour passed as Link gazed into a mirror and reassured himself of how stunningly attractive he was before he even considered going after Navi. It was not like it was the first time she had run away, one time she had run off when Link had been captured by the Gerudos. Naturally Link claimed that the women were all over him and begged him to stay, but whether or not that was actually true was irrelevant. Link packed up his mirror and his cosmetics and decided to go search for Navi. He headed in the direction of the cave and shuddered. Every time he went into a cave, bad things happened. Either there was some kind of boss creature, or there was horde of traps and monsters. Link hated caves, but of course Navi made him search every cave, pit, and crevice they came across for treasure, most of the time they found a mere five rupees, or a couple bombs, or other such things. Link thought grimly at what could be in the cave.
Ugh, man, I bet there is a dungeon in that cave. That is so not what I need right now. All the puzzles, monsters, and traps, not to mention the boss, caves suck. I so hate caves. Navi is probably squatting in the boss chamber, telling it stuff to make it want to kill me. Man, like that time she told Volvagia I sell dragon babies into slavery as a hobby. That was unpleasant! I haven't seen so much fire since the last time Death Mountain erupted. Freaking fairy…
As he neared the dreaded cave, he heard the voice of a being so utterly horrific that it stopped him in his tracks. This was a voice that haunted him at night, and plagued him with terrifying nightmares. Link trembled in terror as he slowly turned around, and then he saw him, the devil himself, Prince Marth.
Link screamed in fear and began to dash full speed towards the now appealing cave. He ran as fast as he possibly could with all his weapons and hair products, he ran as if his life depended on it. Link looked over his shoulder; Marth was gaining on him fast. Link's eyes went wide as he yelled in true horror. Every muscle in his body was burning as he ran, but he persevered. The cave was almost upon him, but so was Marth. Link would not be caught, not again. Not now, never again. The cave was only a few feet in from of him now and he cast another look over his shoulder; Marth was mere inches behind him. A completely delirious scream erupted from Link's lips as Marth tackled him to the ground. Desperately, Link struggled to free himself and drag his body towards the mouth of the cave. He was so close! His hand was literally in the cave! So close, he had been so close! But alas, he was caught. Marth had pinned him was stroking and hugging him relentlessly.
Why…? Link pondered with a look of confusion and disbelief, I was… so close. So very close. Why now? Oh, surely the gods hate me! Surely they are jealous of my unparalleled physical prowess. Ah, but alas, he has caught me. I suppose I will simply have to bring him along. This largely sucks. Well, maybe I can use him to set of some traps or something…
Link eventually ceased struggling and waited until Marth released him. As he rose to this feet, Link was at the mercy of Marth's endless talking and swooning. He sighed drearily as the blue haired prince rambled on about how perfect they were for each other, and how gorgeous the green clad hero was, and while Link could not deny his unparalleled beauty, hearing such words come from the lips of a man was simply unsettling. Slowly he began to inch his way towards the cave, making no sudden movements, as if Marth were a motion sensor about to go off. The tension got to him though and Link made a break for it. Next thing he knew though, he was flat on his back staring Marth in the face. Link forced his way to his feet and slapped a hand over Marth's mouth. He carefully explained that he had to search this cave for Navi, and that he would allow Marth to accompany him as long as he didn't get in the way. It tore him up inside to say that he would allow Marth along, but he really didn't have much choice. When he had finished explaining the situation he removed his hand from Marth's mouth and gave him a chance to respond. And respond he did.
"Oh, poor Navi is lost in a monstrous cave! Come my beauteous man candy, we must quest for her! For she and I have not yet finished planning the wedding, my scrumptious fiancée." Marth gaped into Link's eyes with a genuinely concerned look about him, and clung tight to Link's right arm in the process.
"F-Fiancée? Wedding? LIES! I don't know what that psychotic little fairy told you, but there is not going to be a wedding!" replied Link, aghast with horror. His complexion was white as a sheet as the full weight of what a wedding to Marth would truly mean.
"Oh come now, you jest my handsome hero! At any rate, we must quest for Navi, no matter how dank and nasty that cave might be. Oh but I nearly forgot, a companion of mine should accompany us, he should be here shortly."
"Companion…?" Link began slowly, but he trailed off when he decided that any companion of Marth's must surely be a schizophrenic homosexual maniac.
"Yes, I met him a little while ago in the fields." Marth said offhandedly, being completely oblivious to Link's near-comatose level of shock at the very prospect of venturing forth with not one, but two Marth's. "He was following behind me when I spotted your majestic personage in the distance and dashed off towards you. He is a fair bit slower that I, so I imagine it is taking him a while to catch up."
As if on cue, a heavily armored man sporting a rather hefty axe came running into view. Physically, the man was almost the direct opposite of Marth. Though he too had blue hair, the newcomer was built like a tank. His muscular prowess was impressive to say the least, and his armor looked as if it weighed a ton. The axe he hefted was gargantuan; its two blades alone were bigger than his torso. The man's chiseled facial features, and confidant demeanor gave the impression that he literally was a wall. Seeing such a man as this, Link could only hope that massive axe was not ever turned upon him. As Link eyed the blue armored behemoth of a man, the man began to speak.
"Marth my friend, you run too fast. Not everyone can move like you do." He said with heavy breath as he stood before Marth and Link. Marth simply laughed and turned to introduce Link.
"This here is Link," Marth said joyfully, "He is the Hero of Time, and my beloved fiancée!"
"LIES!" snapped Link responsively, though Marth just brushed it off.
"Ah Link, Marth has told me much about. Though, I wonder how much of it was exaggerated, I am pleased to meet you." The heavily armored man said, with a warm tone of friendliness in his voice. "I am Lord Hector of House Ostia, brother of Lord Uther, who is Marquess of Ostia and head of the Lycian League."
"Impressive," Link whispered, "You have quite a title."
"Haha, well, for the most part I am simply Marquess Ostia's good for nothing brother." Hector said with a wide grin. He hefted his large axe and continued to speak. "Oh yeah, and this is Armads, my trusty axe. It loves cleave armor, don't you Armads? Haha!"
"Oh yes, it is a magnificent axe my Lord Hector! But alas, we will have to admire it later. Link's companion fairy is trapped deep in this daunting sub-terrestrial cavern! We would quest for her, would you join us?" said Marth, overdramatically. Complete with extravagant poses and limb movements.
"Well, it is just a cave. Nothing I can't handle alone, but I'd be glad to have your help Hector." Link added sincerely. As he waited for Hector's response, Link noticed Marth gazing up at him with big hopeful eyes. He groaned wearily and added, "Uh, and yeah, It's good you're here too Marth."
"A quest for a lovely fairly, and you ask my compliance? Then I shall! It would be an honor to quest with you fine warriors into territory unknown for the safe return of a bonnie lass! Haha, indeed! A fine quest it will be. Of sword and axe, we shall progress! Come fellows!"
Link looked Hector in the eye and smiled. The big man was completely earnest; there was no falsification in his words or his actions. Link offered his hand to Hector in an agreement of friendship, and Hector clasped and shook it respectfully. When the two released each other's hands, Hector chuckled and strode spiritedly into the mouth of the cave. Link followed in after him with confidence, and though he still largely disliked caves, he felt more at ease with a walking, friendly, axe-wielding tank along with him. As he stepped across the cave's threshold, Link's positive mood came crashing down as he remembered that Marth was also there. The effeminate prince had dashed after Link, making sure that he had not been forgotten. As the party of three entered the cave's clutches, an unspoken bond was developing. Though Link would never admit it, the comforting feeling of companions at your side was one he could get used to.
Luigi strolled around the fields contently as he searched for his brother Mario. The red plumber had again disappeared without the knowledge of the green plumber. Though, Luigi had gotten used to it. Mario was always running off to go on some quest or adventure to save Princess Peach, or collect some number of some variety star. It really was annoying, to be shafted not only so greatly, but so often.
Freaking-a Mario! He's-a probably off on-a some new adventure! While I get-a left behind. Again! It is not-a fair! The last adventure I had, was-a ghost-busting some old mansion. That-a was crap! That-a Shroom addicted glory hound, I should-a get a quest once in a while!
Luigi fumed silently, the knowledge that he would always live in his brother's shadow weighed heavily upon his shoulders. Still, perhaps he could find something to do, or save, or collect in these fields. As luck would have it, Luigi was being approached by a client at that very moment.
The client strode up to Luigi, cleared his throat, and began to speak in a strong voice. "Hey, Green-stache! Where the hell-crap is Mario? I got a job for him."
Luigi gaped down at the client. It was a Goomba.
What-a the hell? Not only is-a vulgar little Goomba got a problem, but he wants-a Mario to help him! MARIO! You sorry little-a Goomba, you just killed-a yourself!
Luigi yelled and fired off a series of green fireballs at the little brown Goomba. The poor Goomba, having no idea what was happening, burst into green flame and the attack connected. It screamed in annoyance and pain. Running around in circles, it tried desperately to put out the flames. Just as the Goomba managed to smother the fire, Luigi launched himself at little creature like a missile. He rocketed into the Goomba, and upon impact, the little brown being was thrown a minimum of three hundred feet into a mountain wall. It could be heard screaming all the way throughout the flight. Luigi kicked the grass at his feet in annoyance, and strode off towards a shady oasis.
About an hour passed as Luigi rested peacefully in the shade of the comforting trees. His peace was abruptly disrupted however, as the now wounded Goomba from earlier walked up to him and booted him in the head. Luigi gave the little guy a look of complete confusion and disbelief. Luigi was about to pound the offender, but before he could, it began to speak.
"Man, what you did before, Green-stache that was NOT cool! You just killed yourself fool. You dead, child! Nobody messes with the Goomba Yakuza. Pride to the South Side! Get him boys!"
Goomba Yakuza…? Luigi thought slowly.
Just then, Luigi noticed the small army of about three dozen Goombas. All of them sporting knives, Katanas, handguns, lead pipes, broken bottles and wide array of other clichéd yakuza equipment. To top it all off, they all had really bad yakuza haircuts, and scarred faces.
"The words 'Mama-mia' come-a to mind…" said Luigi drearily, "I'm-a so boned."