Title: Hansel PotSmoker and the Chamber of Victoria Secrets
Genre: Parody/ Humor
Category: Undecided
Summary: A parody to the second book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.
Krysta's Notes: I need some humor in my life. So, here it is. The totally OoC story that I can make anyone do anything in because I don't even own Harry Potter but this is my plot and no one steals it without permission. I totally redid everyone's names, so you can pretty much guess who it is.
Chapter 1: Dopey's Warning
Hansel was stoned. Not like stoned in a sense that he was beaten to a bloody pulp with some rocks. Not stoned like trapped between two boulders. I mean stoned like, 'Damn bitches, Hansel's fucking high! Lemme get some!'. Hansel relit his puff and took a nice long drag, darkening the red under his feminine green eyes.
Hansel PotSmoker was the child of Jim-Jim and Rhododendren PotSmoker. Hansel PotSmoker had defeated the murderer of his parents, Victoria Puzzle, otherwise known as Mistress Vengance. Jamestown and Rhododedren PotSmoker were killed and little Hansel had defeated Mistress Vegance, by smoking up the last of his ecstasy, earning the name the Boy-Who-Smoked-His-Ecstasy.
Yes, it had been funny to him at age one that a guy's name was Victoria and he was a Mistress. But nevertheless, he saved the world by smoking ecstasy and had been doing drugs ever since.
Hansel lived with his fat Uncle Venomous, skinny and hideous Aunt Perturbous and his fat lazy cousin, Diet. They had oh-so-graciously allowed him to sleep in the attic and clean up after them.
Suddenly, a monster appeared from under Hansel's three foot bed in his ten foot room that was the box from Uncle Venomous' ten foot screen TV. He had gracefully thrown Hansel from his somewhat normal room into the ten by ten box which was taped in a corner of the attic. At least he could stand up without hitting his head.
Anyway, back to the monster. The monster looked like a smurf that had been rejected at the auditions. Orange skin, pointed nose, eyes the size of a cue ball. A pillowcase and tea cozy adorned it.
"Hello, Mister Hansel PotSmoker! I is Dopey, I has come here concerned for the saftey of Hansel PotSmoker!"
"Yes, but if your name is Dopey, how come you ain't got no dope, fool!" Hansel said, smacking the ugly rag doll creature.
"Many say Hansel PotSmoker is a nice wizard, a kind wizard."
"Man, don't say nothing to me; I'm trying to get high!" Hansel exclaimed, taking another long drag of his weed and threw Dopey out the window.
"Damn thing. Uncle Venomous! Keep your whores out my box!" Hansel screamed to his uncle. His Aunt Perturbous came up in the attic and threw open the box.
"Damn nephew! Your Uncle Venomous doesn't have any whores!" Hansel laughed.
"Man, I'm high, but I know Uncle Venomous' whores when I see 'em and that was one of the good looking ones! Now get back down stairs, Aunt Perturbous, or Mr. Manly won't even look at you." Hansel said, shoving his aunt out the privacy of his box.
"Hansel! You fat lazy sod !" His cousin Diet called from the doorway of the attic.
"Yes, Diet. I'm huge. I can't even get out this box. And at least my name's not Diet and I looked like a fat hoe! Goddamn, Diet, you can't even get through the attic doorway and the piano on wheels could! And it wasn't sideways!" Hansel said, lighting up some marijuana.
"Hey, Hansel. can I have some marijuana?" Diet asked his cousin.
"Yes, only if you lose enough weight to fit through the door! If someone chopped of enough weight for you to fit just through the door, they'd have to hack the other piece in two to be able to get it through and that is with a struggle!"
Diet stomped angrily out of the room, much akin to a gorilla, and Hansel clutched onto his box for dear life, hoping terribly that Diet, well, went on a diet!
The attic in which Hansel lived, was smal and dusty, tons of muggle items thrown around.
"Mr. Weasley sure would love this." Hansel said, laughing at himself.
"Yea, dad would have a field day." Someone said from the window.
"Ron! Is that you?" Hansel said. His best friend Ronzoni sat outside on a flying chicken.
"Yea, Hansel, we couldn't leave you here. Besides, Hateful is being very annoying, Freaky and Gorgeous keep trying to prank me and Virgin, and Mum won't shut up about the lawn gnomes. So, we came to get you." Suddenly, the barrier next to Ronzoni broke, revealed his older brother, Cheapskate.
"I should report this." Cheapskate said annoyed.
"And then I'll tell Persifious you were sleeping with her mother's dog." Cheapskate shut up. Persifious was Cheapskate's girlfriend.
Arriving at the Weaner home, Mr. and Mrs. Weaner greeted Hansel.
"Hansel! How great to see you!" Mrs Weaner exclaimed, hugging Hansel.
"I'm fine, Mrs. Weaner." He said gratefully, and walked into the house. He sighed as he saw Ron's younger sister, Virgin.
"Hi Virgin." He said. She blushed and ran off. Hansel shrugged. Making his way up to Ron's room with his trunk, he ran into his other best friend, Hateful. Hateful had brown curly hair and brown eyes.
"Hi Hansel!" She said, smiling.
"Hey. Hateful, you wanna go up to Ron's room and do stuff?" Hateful smiled.
"Sure, I'll just toss my prude little nature out the window for a second." Hateful threw a handful of air out the window and Ronzoni yelled at her.
"Stop tossing your invisible sex toys out the window!"
"Shut your face, Ronzoni!" Hateful screamed at him, giving him the finger.
Then, Hansel and Hateful went into Ron's room and smoked cocaine all night and all morning.
Krysta's Notes: I really wanted to change people's name's and you can tell who they are. But, I didn't like changing Harry's parents to stupid name's, so I made Lily's another flower and just nicknamed James'. R&R Please!