Parody: Hansel PotSmoker and the Chamber of Victoria Secrets

Summary: A parody to the second book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, to which Hansel PotSmoker fights against Lady Vengeance for...ecstasy?

Specka: I know I haven't updated in a while, and my writing has changed a ton since I wrote the last chapter. So, don't be surprised. And I don't know if I spelled canole right.

Chapter 2: High on the Train, High in School

Hansel, Hateful, Ronzoni, and Ronzoni's little sister Virgin were boarding the train to Hogfollies School of Bitchcraft and Whizzing-Trees. The nice, beautiful red train looked like the one Harry had seen in his cousin Diet's Thomas the Tank Engine set.

"Pretty! Pretty train! I love the train!" Ronzoni exclaimed, running over to give the train a hug. But, Ronzoni was tripped and fell.

"Who trippeded me?" He exclaimed, his face turning thirteen different shades of purple; magenta, violet-red, plum, red-violet, blue-viol--oh, yeah. Well, he looked up to see a blonde boy with grey eyes. His name was Darko Malfee. Darko was considered the school Bad Boy Hot Kid 'OMG, I WANNA BANG DARKO MALFEE!' Yeah. That was him. And basically everywhere he went, girls fell at his feet.

"Aha, you poor and unsubstantial Weaner!" He laughed, looking like a Greek God in the process. Ronzoni jumped up angrily and raised his fists to Darko.

"Let's fight, Malfee. See who's the bigger man." He said, waiting for his response.

"In that case, let's not fight. There are plenty of girls around who will gladly tell me I'm a bigger man than you." He said, boastingly. Just then, three girls ran up and yelled, "We love you Darko!" "We wanna bang you, Darko!" "You look positively delicious in those trousers!"

"Aha, Weaner." Darko laughed, a crowd around him. "I see I'm the bigger person. Come on." And despite Virgin's obvious infatuation with Harry and Hateful's loyalty to Harry's friendship, she and Virgin followed Darko, each on his arm.

"Oh Darko, you're so rich." "Oh Darko, you're dreadfully handsome." "And did I ever tell you, Darko, how evil you are?" They cooed at him as he walked away. Hansel helped Ronzoni off the floor.

"Look--erm." Hansel started. Ronzoni shook his head.

"Go on, Hansel. It's okay to leave me unlike a real friend would." Hansel nodded and ran off.

"Hey!" Ronzoni called out.

--

While on the train, Hansel and Ronzoni were sitting in the compartment when Virgin and Hateful walked in, giggling.

"Ahahahahahahaha!" They giggled. Hansel and Ronzoni looked at each other weirdly.

"Oh, what did Malfee do to you!" Ronzoni said, shaking his sister and her friend. They giggled, before Hateful answered.

"We gotsted us some cree-ack. We sniffeded it and it was goooooood." Hateful said, before falling on the floor and spinning around on her head.

"Look! I'm using my head!" Virgin laughed and took Harry's glasses. Then, she threw them off the train. Hansel screamed like a girl on crack; exactly how Hateful was screaming cause she lost a hair.

"My glasses!" Hateful pulled out her wand after stopping her tirade. She pointed it between Hansel's eyes.

"I know a speeell to fix it! Repariole Canole!" She started to say it right, but then decided she had a desire for canole. So, in between Hansel's eyes grew a large garden with, instead of stalks of corn, grew stalks of canoles. Hateful and Virgin squealed. While Hateful was picking canoles out of Hansel's face and putting them into a basket, Virgin was counting the hairs on Harry's head while sitting with her legs wrapped around the boy's neck. And Ronzoni was admiring the shades of blue and purple that Hansel's face was turning.

--

So, when they got to school, Hateful and Virgin were perfectly normal, but Hansel had stolen Hateful and gotten high, Hansel because his face hurt and Hateful cause she was bored.

Headmaster Dumberwhore stood in front of the Great Hall, while people were talking, with a glass of whiskey in his hand, and said to Snape, "Aha, I didn't see that picture of you in that thong covered in canoles." The whole Hall went quite, except for Hansel and Hateful, who were high. They jumped up and screamed, "Canoles!" before running off to Snape's private stores.

Ronzoni and Virgin broke the silence by chasing after them and tackling them. It got very mixed up. Hansel and Hateful ended up on top of each other and Ronzoni and Virgin had collided with each other and were snogging, until Hateful screamed. Then, it switch. Ronzoni jumped Hansel and began ripping his robes off, and Virgin tried to tackle Hateful, but she ducked and Virgin hit the wall. Then, Hateful and Virgin ran off to go and find Darko Malfee and see if he was busy.

So, Darko, Hateful, and Virgin met in Professor Snape's private stores, ate canoles, and snogged all afternoon.

And Ronzoni and Hansel played chess. Naked chess.

Chapter 2: High on the Train, High at School

Specka: Eh. Don't ask, and canoles are good. Someone tell me how to spell that godforsaken word. And Snape's name doesn't need modification, cause it's already scary. :)