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Against Hope

Better by far that you should forget and smile
Than you should remember and be sad.
-From Remember by Christina Rossetti

The Lost Memory

It was the night of a new moon.

During new moon nights, lights seem to burn dimly, the loose pebbles of the cobblestones seem absent beneath his feet and scents seem muted and blended with each other. The wolf's dormant on these nights, tame and apathetic, and the acuity of senses that his alter ego proffers vanishes as well. On new moon nights, all of Remus' senses are dulled and his movements always feel sluggish to him. Yet on these nights, his mind is most alert and rational. Remus feels like he is floating, as if his senses are not picking up on everything.

Which was why, if Rey didn't point her out, he would have missed her.

Remus and Rey were standing guard outside a werewolf bar, one that the pack frequented to recruit new wolves. Guard duty was usually given to the wolves that displeased Greyback, and more often than not, it fell to Remus. That was fine with him. Greyback and the rest of the pack would mostly talk to the newly bitten wolves and try to convince them about how unjust the wizard policies were against werewolves, all while drinking cheap lager.

After finding out that Remus had guard duty, Rey volunteered to be his double. Remus was relieved that Rey had the sense to tag around him than try to ingratiate himself with the rest of the pack. Wolves have been known to eat their young. Werewolves weren't much different, whether literally or figuratively.

"Aint she wizard police girl, Mr. Lupin?" Asked Rey, pointing to some point over Remus' shoulder.

Remus turned towards the thin, young man with the spiked hair and wearing an elderly man's coat that sagged around his shoulders. Muggle by birth and bitten in his teens, Rey is just beginning to understand that there is another world out there, aside from the one that muggles moves around in.

Remus peered out of the darkened doorway where he is lodged and surveyed the street. He finally spotted her outside a pub a couple of blocks down, drinking with a group of rowdy patrons. By all appearances, she seemed like everybody else, a worker winding down at the local pub after hours. If it were not for the proximity to the werewolf bar, Remus would have thought that Tonks was merely out for a good time.

Remus immediately realized two things. The first was that Tonks isn't in disguise. There is no alteration of her face, no lightening of her hair color, no shortening of her stature. She is herself, as he remembers her- incapacitated as she was in that hospital- pale-faced and brown haired. And lovely, even if just to him. He pondered this for a while, generating more questions than answers, then lets the train of thought go, knowing that he would get more if he just asked her.

The second thing that took him by surprise was that Rey remembers Tonks, despite having seen her only once before. It was during a pre-attack preparation, when Greyback made it a habit of having the pack stay close to humans a few nights before the full moon. The Aurors heard of the plan- thanks of course to Dumbledore who had been informed by Remus.

That was also the first time he had seen her after he left her in the hospital.

Greyback took the pack to a suburb outside of London where the stars shone bright and the waxing moon brighter still. It was a day before the full moon, and already, Remus felt the effects of not taking the Wolfsbane Potion for the first time in two years.

"AURORS!"

The growl came from one of the older werewolves.

Remus watched as the pack started running in all directions. Some headed towards the shadows in between the fences surrounding the houses but most followed a deeper instinct and turned towards the thickening of trees at the outskirts of the village.

Remus opted for the trees, trying to get as far as possible from the houses. They weren't werewolves yet, and there was no crime committed in being out at night. But lurking around homes at this time of night could be considered suspicious regardless if you were a werewolf or not.

He found Rey standing in the middle of a street, paralyzed with indecision, halfway between the cover of the trees and the shadows of the houses. He grabbed the boy by the scruff of the neck and pushed him forwards.

"Run." He whispered harshly and his tone seemed to galvanize the boy into movement.

They reached the cover of the trees without being caught. Remus instructed Rey to go around one of the sturdier trees while he stayed behind a shrub near the fringes, hoping to catch a glimpse of what was happening.

He was correct in choosing the trees over the houses. There was hardly any movement near their area, but in the distance, he could see movements in between the houses. From that direction, he could hear angry snarls and clipped incantations. The Aurors decided to go after the werewolves that lurked near the civilians.

Then it happened all of a sudden. A few meters from where he was hidden, there was a soft pop, followed by the appearance of a slight figure in Ministry issue robes.

She looked different bathed in moonlight and shadows. He had always observed her in Grimmauld Place by the light of a roaring fire or during joint stakeouts under beautiful starlight or in the kitchen of the Burrow in the aseptic brightness of daylight. But never in the gloom of night with the nearly full moon hanging ominously in the sky.

Despite that, he recognized her instantly. Her hair was the same color it had been when he visited her in the hospital, the same color when he kissed her, that night. He knew, because she had shown him once, that this was her true hair color.

That disturbed him. She hardly wore it that way, especially not during missions. In the past, she would always return to Grimmauld Place from Auror duty with violently colored, cropped hair but never long and flowing and in its natural color.

Was she having problems with shifting?

Now really wasn't the time to contemplate it.

She looked into his eyes at wand point and for an instant, he knew she saw a stranger. Then the flicker of recognition came to her replaced by condemnation and hurt. Her lips trembled with the unsaid curse and her hand shook as she carefully lowered her wand.

Some unknown Auror was shouting from the general direction that Tonks came from.

"Tonks! Did you find anything?"

Tonks met his eyes and Remus saw the faint moistness being replaced by resolve.

"Negative, Savage," Tonks said, her eyes never leaving Remus'. "I must have been reading all the signs wrong."

Remus steeled himself against the trembling of her hand, the wetness of her cheek, the anger in her voice and the accusation in her eyes. But he didn't do anything, didn't even explain. He just turned around and vanished silently into the night, like the hunter in the depths of his nature.

Molly had chastised him on why he didn't tell Tonks about his joining the group, but he had been afraid of confronting her. Then, when Tonks found out, on her own, it was too late to even explain.

"Mr. Lupin, ya reckon them police got some idea what we got goin here."

Remus turned in the general direction of Rey, trusting his weakened sense of hearing rather than his sense of sight since his vision was clouded with something remarkably like regret. "No," he answered, a little more curtly than he intended to. Then seeing the need to clarify: "I'm sure that Auror is here alone, off duty. We would have recognized other Aurors if they're after us."

His answer pacified Rey and their sighting of Tonks was not reported to Greyback.

Later, he made his report to Dumbledore, and a few weeks on- enough time that it wouldn't be traced back to him- the Ministry closed down the bar for "Participating in Seditious Acts."

It was a small success against overwhelming odds and even if he knows it was the right thing to do, it does little against the realities of his situation- regardless of the good that he does in this war, the injustices of his life would never be rectified in his lifetime.

888

During the cold nights in the company of killers, and the deadlier company of his reminiscences his mind always goes back to that memory of her and the part that gives him comfort are the tears in her eyes. At least, he knows she still felt something for him. It is selfish, but he knows that in the future, when he finally stands at the audience side of the aisle, behind a genial expression and watches her make her vows to somebody deserving, he would bring back that memory. He would take comfort in the thought, that for a moment she had wanted that with him.