Kill That Psycho!

by Crack God

Lee has nightmares that people want ot kill him. Then, Sasuke and Neji have a competition to see who can kill the psycho Lee first. Just guess what happens next! Oneshot.

Kill That Psycho!

By: Crack God

Dedicated to: Everyone, including you!

A/N: This fic is just a oneshot. And that's that.

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"Hello!" a peppy looking host for a game show exclaimed. "I'm your host, Crack God! Today on Kill That Psycho our contestant is Neji Hyuga. Hello, Neji. What brings you here?"

"Hn," Neji responded. "I just want to kill a certain psycho."

"Okay then!" Crack God exclaimed. "You have your choice to pick who's behind three doors. After you pick a door you must think of a way to kill the person behind the door within thirty seconds. If your way kills them you walk away with an amazing, magnificent, lovely, exquisite, wonderful, super great prize of $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,0000,000,000! Let's start the show!"

A loud applause could be heard from the audience. "We love you Crack God!" some of the girls shrieked at the top of their lungs. After ten minutes of applauding the audience finally stopped and Crack God continued.

"Okay, Neji," Crack God spoke. "What door are you going to pick!"

Neji secretly activated his byakugan and peered through door number one. Behind this first door was a bathroom. And on the toilet was Kakashi sensei, reading his perverted books.

Neji hastily moved his eyes to peer behind door number two. This room was just an ordinary office. The only thing that was not ordinary was that Ino was inside, naked. It seemed as if she was having sex with the furniture. Oh my god! She really was! Someone, go get the camera!

After gazing behind door number two for an hour or so, Neji moved his eyes to look behind the third and final door. This room looked like one in which you can find a person in a straitjacket. Inside was a primate like creature wearing green spandex. Rock Lee. The psycho that Neji had come to kill.

"I choose door number three," Neji answered.

"ZZZZZZZZ," Crack God said, just waking up. "What was that again?"

"Door number three," Neji repeated.

"Okay then!" Crack God exclaimed. "Now choose a way to kill the psycho behind door number three and approach the door!"

Neji instantly walked over to door number three. He then pounded on the door to get Lee's attention. "Lee!" Neji exclaimed. "Gai sensei is dead!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Lee yelled. Then it was silent. Crack God opened door number three, and sure enough Rock Lee was dead.

"Congratulations, Neji Hyuga!" Crack God exclaimed. "You have just one our lovely, magnificent, prize of $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,0000,000,000!"

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Rock Lee woke up from his horribly unyouthful nightmare. He had even managed to urinate all over in his dog bed, the place where he slept when at Gai sensei's house.

"Gai!" Lee screeched.

"What is it Lee!" Gai exclaimed, walking over to the seen with a flashlight. "Lee! Every time I let you spend the night you always pee in my dog bed! When will this unyouthfulness decease!"

"Sorry Gai sensei," Lee gloomily apologized. "It's just that I had that dream again."

"What! That's the sixth time this week and it's only Monday!" Gai exclaimed.

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It was the next morning and Neji and Sasuke were walking down a dirt path, discussing something rather important, or so the said when I asked for an interview. Secretly, several fan girls were stalking the two great ninja, only Neji and Sasuke knew that they were being followed so it wasn't really secretly. Amongst the fan girls were Sakura, Tenten, and Ino.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Lee youthfully exclaimed, appearing on the path.

"What do you want?" Sasuke asked in an annoyed tone of voice.

"We don't like to hang out with psychos, you psycho," Neji harshly spoke to his teammate. (Lee, not Tenten)

"But-" Lee started before he was interrupted.

"Shut the fucking hell up, Bushy Brows," Sakura hissed, showing herself.

"Hey, Neji. I have an idea," Sasuke said. "Let's have a little competition. The first one to kill Rock Lee, the psycho, wins."

"That sounds like fun," Neji spoke. "I accept your challenge."

Quickly, both Neji and Sasuke grabbed a kunai and threw it at Lee. The psycho ducked at dodged the weapons, then ran for his life.

"Kill that Psycho!" Neji and Sasuke exclaimed at the same time, giving chase towards Rock Lee.

"You shall never take me alive!" Lee crackled.

"Yeah, we won't," Neji talked to Lee. "Instead we'll kill you and take you dead."

Lee slipped his orange leg warmers off, as well as the weights underneath them. He knew that his dream was going to come true in some form. Then Lee rocketed away, out of Neji's and Sasuke's sight.

Within five minutes, Lee was hiding in a store that sold spandex. There was green spandex, red spandex, yellow spandex, blue spandex, violet spandex, orange spandex, brown spandex, silver spandex, gold spandex, black spandex, neon spandex, rainbow spandex, and even spandex that glowed in the dark, but that is beside the point. For inside the spandex selling store Rock Lee came across Kakashi sensei, who was now in the spandex sweater section.

"What are you doing here?" Lee asked Kakashi sensei.

"I'm just buying some spandex sweaters and some spandex thongs for Sakura," Kakashi openly admitted. Lee was a psycho anyway, so he would forget in a mere few minutes. "Why are you here?" Kakashi knew it was a stupid question, but he asked it anyway.

"I'm hiding from Neji and Sasuke. They're both trying to kill me," Rock Lee said. "And also today is the big sale on spandex leg warmers, spandex head bands, spandex unitards, spandex shoes, spandex wrist bands, and spandex underwear."

"Okay then," Kakashi said. "I better go now." Kakashi grabbed half a dozen spandex sweaters for Sakura and left for the cash register.

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Meanwhile, Sasuke and Neji were outside of a very peculiar store, knowing that Rock Lee would be inside, but both were too afraid to go in.

"You go in, Neji," Sasuke spoke. "He's your teammate."

"I'm not going in," Neji protested. "I had to do some stupid things because of Lee already."

"What are you guys talking about?" Naruto asked, walking up behind Neji and Sasuke.

"Naruto!" both Neji and Sasuke exclaimed with an idea.

"Naruto, go in that store and get Lee for us!" Sasuke ordered the fox boy.

"Why do I ha-," Naruto spoke before he was forced to stop because Neji and Sasuke threw him into the store.

Naruto went inside, ignoring Kakashi sensei at the cash register, and searched the entire store for Lee. After about half an hour he saw the familiar soup bowl hair cut, and charged upon his target. But as soon as he saw what Lee was dressed in he stopped. For Lee was in a purple spandex jumpsuit that had hideous, un-masculine pink sequins all over it.

"What the hell are you wearing!" Naruto exclaimed. "PSYCHO!"

Lee bolted out the spandex selling store in an attempt to escape Naruto. However, the two ninja that just so happened to want to kill the psycho were waiting outside the store.

Lee shrieked a girlish shriek. Luckily for the psycho, however, Rock Lee's outfit traumatized Sasuke and Neji. The psycho quickly realized this and he/ she/ it seized his/ her/ its opportunity. Rock Lee ran through Neji and Sasuke and bolted away from sight.

"That was too scary," Sasuke said. "Did you see what the psycho was wearing?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Neji answered.

"KILL THAT PSYCHO!" the two ninja exclaimed.

Then Kakashi came out of the store, carrying several bags. Neji and Sasuke just stared at the seen.

"Why were you in the spandex store?" Sasuke asked his sensei after about five minutes of staring. (No! Not that kind of staring you sickos!)

"I bought some stuff for a certain someone," Kakashi said. "And don't ask any more questions. If my plan works out correctly then you shall find out soon enough." When Kakashi sensei was done speaking, he darted off towards his house.

"That was… disturbing," Neji said. "He said ' If my plan works out correctly then you shall find out soon enough ', which means… Hahahhaha! Kakashi sensei's a gay unicorn and he thinks you are one as well!"

"What!" Sasuke exclaimed. "I'm not a gay unicorn!"

"Tell that to your sensei, not me," Neji replied.

Then Neji left Sasuke to think about Kakashi being a gay unicorn and searched for the psycho.

Sasuke just stood there and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought for about three hours, or so it would seem for in reality, after I interviewed him, I found out that he just zoned out.

After Sasuke was done zoning out he decided to visit his sensei's house to tell Kakashi that he wasn't a gay unicorn. So he went to Kakashi's house. When he got there he knocked on the door and Kakashi opened it.

"Ah, you're just in time, Sasuke," Kakashi said. "Please come in." Sasuke stepped into Kakashi's house and spoke.

"Umm, Kakashi, I have something to tell you," Sasuke spoke.

"Oh, well you'll have to wait then," Kakashi grinned. "The big thing is going to happen in just a bit."

"What big thing?" Sasuke asked, fearing that he already knew what it was going to be.

"You'll find out soon," Kakashi replied.

Then Sasuke heard a knock on the door. Kakashi opened the door, again, and in walked Sakura.

"Why did you want me over hear, Kakashi?" Sakura asked. Shortly after speaking she noticed Sasuke. "Oh, hello Sasuke."

"I have a present for you, Sakura," Kakashi replied. Magically, several bags appeared in Kakashi's hands and he gave them to Sakura. "Go on and try them on."

Sakura took the bags and went into Kakashi's bathroom. Then Sasuke's jaw dropped. When she came out she was wearing a pink sweater made completely out of spandex.

"Is it just me or does this sweater make my breasts look big?" Sakura asked.

"No, not at all," Kakashi lied. It made her breasts look ENORMOUS!

"Not at all," Sasuke backed up Kakashi.

"Oh, okay," Sakura said. "I'll wear this sweater today then."

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Five days later, Sasuke was walking down the street when he came across Neji.

Hey, Neji," Sasuke said. "Did you kill the psycho yet?"

"No," Neji answered. "I couldn't find him."

"Oh," Sasuke replied. "Well, then I'm going to kill him first."

"No, I'm going to kill him first," Neji said.

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Another five days later, Sasuke, Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Choji, Shikamaru, Kiba, Hinata, Shino, Neji, Tenten, Kakashi, Asuma, and Kurenai were outside, all dressed in black. Before them lay a coffin with Rock Lee's dead body inside.

Gai was in tears. However, everyone else wasn't. If anything, they were happy Lee died.

"I killed him," Neji whispered to Sasuke.

"No, I killed him," Sasuke whispered back.

"Guys, Lee died of aids," Sakura whispered the identity of the real killer, now wearing a revealing orange spandex sweater.

"I didn't kill him then!" Both Neji and Sasuke yelled out loud.

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A/N: That's the end of Kill That Psycho! I hoped you enjoyed it. I have to say that it was actually fun to type this. It is definitely my longest one shot yet. Anyway, please review so I know if you liked it or not. Oh, and when you review tell me if you want a sequel or not. REVIEW PLEASE!