10

Haymitch did not, in fact, fuck up or put her in danger but he looked so wretched by the time they hit Ripper's that Katniss was considering sending him home. It occurred to her that bringing a recovering alcoholic battling through withdrawals – magic potions notwithstanding – to a bar was not the smartest play but, aside for staring at the bottles behind the counter with longing, Haymitch didn't betray anything.

The trip to Ripper's was a bust though. The half-demon already knew Snow was free because, apparently, everybody knew. Those who hadn't sensed it had learned it through the grapevine and, according to Ripper, a lot of demons and vampires were packing up and leaving town. She also asked them not to come back again because she didn't want to give Snow the wrong impression about her business.

Katniss broke three bar stools for that comment alone.

There was a storm looming, the night sky had turned even darker and cloudy while they had been in the bar and she groaned, already knowing they wouldn't make it back home dry. They did a quick tour through the shadiest back alleys, dispatched a few fledglings, and headed home just as the thunder started to rumble in the distance.

She kept expecting a Career to jump on them from between two trees but the woods were quiet and they made it to the Village in one piece.

"When you say it's gonna be a marathon…" she asked as they passed the rusty gates. The magic slammed down on her shoulders and she shrugged it off with annoyance, lamenting once more that they had been forced to exchange Effie's for Cinna's.

"I mean it." he sighed. "Problem is it ain't as simple as just finding Snow and staking him. He's smarter than that. And even if by some miracle we can corner him…"

He didn't finish that thought but she heard the doubts in his voice all the same. He wasn't sure she could do the job.

The sky tore open right as they were reaching their driveway and they hurried to the front door. The house was quiet but the lights were on and Gale met them in the hallway, clearly having been pacing while waiting for them.

"Prim's asleep." he reported. "Mellark too. Trinket woke up for ten minutes, we fed her some soup and she dropped again. She talked but she wasn't making much sense." He shook his head. "Couldn't get much out of Mellark either."

"Nobody asked you to get much out of either of them." Haymitch grumbled, making no move to take off his damp jacket. He reached for the helmet abandoned on the side table instead. "Come on, I'm driving you back."

Katniss froze, her leather jacket half off. "You're sure that's a good idea?"

He looked okay and he had held his own against two vampires that night but there was a difference between going on patrol while she was there to make sure he wouldn't get hurt and riding a bike during a storm. Besides, that meant he would be alone and vulnerable… A bike wasn't a car…

"Not like we have a choice now that you busted the boy's truck, do we?" he scoffed. "Haven't had a chance to take a look at Effie's car yet."

Gale wasn't enthusiastic about getting a ride and he tried to refuse but Haymitch wouldn't let him go home by himself in the dark and they couldn't keep him another night without his mother asking questions. Katniss watched the two of them leave with anxiety.

She busied herself by taking a shower, changing into pajamas, checking on everyone else – they were all asleep as promised – eating some warmed up leftovers… The storm was growing bad and Cinna showed back up, drenched, long before she heard the front door open on Haymitch. The Watcher was in a foul mood but he was alive and relatively well – even if he made a face at the potions the warlock thrust at him – so Katniss decided to call it a night.

She didn't mean to head to the guest room instead of her own but she found herself sitting on Peeta's bed, watching him sleep… It was comforting to see his chest lift and fall with slow regularity, to see his muscles twitching from time to time… He had been so still before… Now he truly looked asleep and not…

She didn't let herself think the word dead.

She didn't mean to lie down next to him but she was so tired…

She was vaguely aware of someone else's presence in the room at some point. Her body didn't tense though and it took her a long sleepy second to realize it was because she had unconsciously recognized Haymitch's footsteps.

Her Watcher muttered under his breath about rules and boys and girls and what not but he also covered her with a blanket so he couldn't care that much about it. Maybe because Peeta was still tied up and that was enough guarantee for him that they wouldn't get up to any funny business.

She kept her eyes closed and pretended to sleep because it was easier and she didn't want to enter a debate about where she was supposed to sleep. Once he had made sure the blanket was up to her chin, he brushed her hair out of her face with a tenderness she didn't quite expect.

There was a sudden lump in her throat and she had troubles breathing around it. She didn't remember the last time someone had done that for her: made sure she was tucked in, brushed hair out of her face in her sleep… It was what she did for Prim without thinking but…

She had the sense he adjusted the blankets on Peeta as well and checked on him too before she heard his footsteps retreating. She traced his path in her mind, trying to use her Slayer senses to follow his progression… He paused at hers and Prim's bedroom too, probably to make sure her sister was alright, and then, less than a minute later, she heard the sound of his bedroom door softly closing.

He moved around for a while. It was odd to hear that much because Effie used to have a soundproof spell on his room but it must have come down along with the Village's wards.

She fell asleep listening to the sounds of the old boiler flaring up and the clanging of pipes, probably because he was taking a shower.

She slept like the dead.

She woke up slowly, instinctively snuggling closer to the source of warmth she was huddled against. Too big for Prim, a part of her mind realized, not that she really cared because it was warm and comfortable and she felt… safe.

There were arms around her and they held her tight. Tight enough to bruise. Tight enough that she wasn't scared of losing him again.

Her eyelids fluttered open, she waited for the wave of panic but it didn't come.

Somehow, in their sleep, Peeta had maneuvered her into his arms – or, more likely, she had sneaked under the chained hands and against his chest – but he hadn't killed her yet, had he?

He was so still, she expected him to still be asleep but when she looked up, it was to find his blue eyes staring at her. His breathing was measured, controlled.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"I want to kiss you." he blurted out. Her lips stretched into a smile before she could help it or even try to help it. "I also want to kill you." he added quickly, probably in case she got ideas. "But that's not… I don't think that's me. It's a voice. Not my voice." He closed his eyes, letting his head fall back on the pillow. "I'm… Katniss, I'm… I'm in pieces."

"It's okay." she promised, putting her palm flat on his chest and pushing herself up a little. She couldn't go far, not with his bound hands at her back keeping her close, not with the way his arms tightened around her that little bit more. "Cinna says it's going to go away."

He licked his lips but didn't reopen his eyes. "I don't know what's real anymore."

"Ask." she suggested.

"Ask who? How can I trust anything if I can't trust myself?" he scoffed. "I don't know who I am anymore. Nothing makes sense. I don't know…"

"I do." she whispered, brushing her fingers against his jaw tentatively. "Ask me."

He took a deep breath and opened his eyes again, meeting her gaze. She tried to keep it steady for him but she was afraid he could read everything in her eyes because he always knew how to do that: read her. With some hesitation, she moved her fingers to his lips, retracing their shape. His body tensed a little but he let her.

It was unfair. They had barely started and…

"Your favorite color… it's green?" he asked. "Real?"

Not really the most important information and really not what she had thought he would ask first but she rolled with it.

"That's right. And yours is orange. Not bright orange but soft. Like a sunset." He relaxed slightly and she found she couldn't stop there. "You're a painter. You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea and you always double-knot your shoelaces." The words tumbled out around the lump in her throat. She hadn't been aware of just how much she knew about him, how much closer they had become since that night, all those months ago, when he had discovered who she was. "You're a huge nerd." she added with a chuckle that barely disguised the tears burning her eyes. "Huge marvel fan. You're the captain of the wrestling team or, at least, you used to be. You love magic. You can make a pencil float for two seconds." She chuckled again. "I still say it doesn't count if you toss it first but…" She shrugged. "You're the best person I know and I can't lose you. Ever."

That was more than she had meant to confess but he let out a long deep shaky breath.

"I love you." he whispered. "Real or not real?"

Was it for her to answer that? But he had said it before, hadn't he? He had implied it more than a few times and he had laid it bare plainly in the kitchen during movie night, when they had kissed for the first time.

"Real." she answered.

He nodded slowly, as if that made sense to him.

Her hand had trailed down to his neck somehow and she slid it to his nape when he leaned down ever so slowly.

Their mouths brushed together. The novelty of it hadn't worn off yet and it sent electric shocks all over her body, down to her toes. She used the hand on his nape to haul herself a little higher in his arms so she could have better access. When they closed over hers, his lips were insistent but she gave as good as she got.

She had been so scared she would lose him and never have that again…

She was still a little clumsy but she liked to think she was learning fast and, if the little noises he was making were to be believed, she was doing something right. She stopped obsessing over her technique when he sucked her tongue in his mouth anyway.

He rolled them over and, for a mad second, she thought it was his 'I want to kill you' side that was taking over but he never stopped kissing her and he didn't show any sign of attacking her. She wasn't sure how she felt about having him on top of her but her body soon decided it was the greatest thing ever and practically melted against his so… She buried her hand in his hair, kissed back with all she had and tried to ignore the way his bound hands were digging in her upper back.

Spreading her legs was instinctive somehow. Peeta's body fitted so perfectly in the cradle of her thighs… It took her a second to figure out that what she felt against her was… oh…

She wasn't sure which one of them started moving their hips. There was no real finesse to it, much like fighting it was all instinctive. And it was… The kisses were feverish, bordering on desperate, and she gave herself to them willingly and completely. It was…

The door was flung open without any violence but entirely carelessly and Haymitch strolled in only to freeze in his tracks two steps in when he realized what was going on.

All in all, it probably looked very comical because both she and Peeta stopped kissing to stare at him with wide eyes, mouths half opened, bodies entirely rigid, and Haymitch just stared back, eyes equally wide, his face turning redder and redder by the second…

When he pinched his nose, Katniss suddenly felt the urgent need to untangle herself from Peeta but with his bound hands and everything it wasn't easily done and…

Awkward, she mused, furiously trying to get out of Peeta's arms but since Peeta was also trying to get his arms from around her, it was… complicated.

And to make things worse, Prim showed up right behind Haymitch with a breakfast tray. Her sister clearly didn't expect Haymitch to be standing in the way and barely avoided a collision.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"Nope." Haymitch answered, taking the tray from her, turning her around and pushing her in the corridor. "Not for your eyes. Go check on Effie."

If the loud giggles could be believed, Prim wasn't as unaware of what had been going on as Katniss would have liked. Still, she managed to extricate herself from Peeta and she sat up, tugging on the shirt that had rode up at some point, refusing to meet his eyes but also refusing to be embarrassed.

"You needed something?" she hissed.

Haymitch half-snorted, half-scoffed, sending a mild glare in the boy's direction. "Well, seems you made your decision about the kissing or killing thing."

Peeta made a small face. "Everything's still muddy."

"Don't let me catch you when things get more clear, then." Haymitch deadpanned, almost slamming the breakfast tray on the bedside table. "We can take off those chains, though, yeah?"

The boy recoiled a little. "I don't want to hurt anyone."

Katniss rolled her eyes. "You would never hurt anyone."

"Tell that to my blood pressure." Haymitch muttered but cleared his throat. "She's right, kid, I think we're okay taking those off. You haven't attacked anyone yet."

"Yet." Peeta repeated, a little subdued. He chanced a glance at her and Katniss shot him an encouraging smile. Their eyes lingered and she felt herself blush.

"Do you know who you are?" Haymitch asked. "Who we are?"

Peeta dragged his gaze back to him, hesitating a little. "Some of it is really clear. Some of it is really not. I feel like… I feel like I'm supposed to hurt people. You should keep me tied up."

Haymitch didn't look happy with that. "I don't want to keep you tied up if you don't need to be tied up and you don't look like you're a danger to anyone to me."

"Please." Peeta insisted. "I don't want to risk it."

Haymitch looked uneasy so Katniss sighed. "How about we keep the chains on until tonight? If you don't lose control or attack anyone in the meantime, we take them off."

Peeta hesitated but eventually nodded. She glanced at her Watcher who also nodded.

"No funny business." he muttered on his way out. " And eat your breakfast."

It was a bit awkward after he left, she didn't quite dare look at Peeta so she pulled on a thread on the comforter instead.

It didn't get better when Haymitch reappeared on the threshold and tossed a small rectangular box on the bed.

"Fucking be clever about it if you're gonna do that." her Watcher mumbled, not looking at them. "And don't fucking let me know you're doing that. I don't want to know."

He slammed the door shut and they both stared at the box, both turning crimson at the same time when they realized what exactly it was.

A box of condoms. With a few missing. Which she didn't want to know about.

"We don't… do that, real or not real?" Peeta asked, after having cleared his throat.

"Real." she said immediately. "Not real." she amended. "Not yet. I don't know. Breakfast?"

Her voice had turned high-pitched and she used the excuse of reaching for the tray to drop the box in the bedside table's drawer.

Out of sight, out of mind.

She was just getting used to kissing, she wasn't sure she was ready for more and certainly not when he was tied up.

Peeta being Peeta – brainwashed or not – sensed her unease and was only happy to play along with her change in subject. He asked questions, she answered to the best of her abilities…

And she tried not to think about how right it had felt to have him lying on top of her…

*cough cough* this was NOT planned at all. Blame everlark. Apparently I kept them waiting too much XD Let's all have a thought for poor Haymitch's eyes XD I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know your thoughts!