For the next week, I had the same dream over and over again.
Every time I closed my eyes I could see the four of them, holding their sabers out to me chanting the word "Choose" over and over again.
Always I awoke before I could choose.
Always when I awoke I felt tired and worn.
I could feel my parents and Jysella's worry for me, as the dark circles under my eyes grew larger, and my eyes themselves became bloodshot.
I could not sleep.
I did not want to choose.
I had had enough time spent as the gardener.
I decided to go to one of the sparring rooms to get some exercise. I was hoping that I could wear myself out enough that I could actually get some sleep. I was hoping that with enough exercise I could ignore the frustration and despair that was now haunting me.
As soon as I walked through the door, I felt a warm, sticky liquid splash down over me. The copper tang of blood filled the air, as I looked down at my robes and hands. I was covered in it.
I looked forward and there was Kenth Hamner, a withered empty husk, the Japor icon burned onto the wall behind him.
I just stood there, that coppery smell filling my nose, making me somewhat nauseous, and my mind trying to process everything. There had been too much death, too much pain, and not enough sleep.
My mind wanted to just shut down. It wanted to stop thinking for a while, and not be concerned about anything. Not have to worry about blood and death, despair and pain.
I was only too willing to let it.
How long I stood there, just staring at my hands? I'm not entirely sure, but it was long enough for the blood to dry on me.
Eventually Tionne and a class of younglings walked into the room.
Fifteen screaming children was enough to shock me back to awareness.
I sank to my knees, and could feel the tears on my face. I cast out my feelings to Jysella, seeking her Force presence for the comfort and warmth I desperately needed, and she willingly provided.
I was taken to the med center, cleaned up and sedated.
At least I got some sleep.
I regained consciousness with something warm and soft cuddled next to me. The smell of strawberries and honey filled my nose. I reveled in the warmth and security. I glanced down, and all I could see was the top of Jysella's head lying on my chest, one of her arms thrown over my body. Her hair was unbound and all around us.
I shifted to try to see her better, which just made her cling to me tighter. So instead, I laid back and absently played with her hair until I fell asleep again.
As I slept I dreamed.
This time it was a different dream featuring the same characters.
I stood on a battleground. On one side were Jysella and Tahiri, and on the other the two dark ones. Behind Tahiri and Jysella there was a cloud, that was bright and shining, with streams of light and warmth pouring from it, feelings of acceptance poured from it. Behind the dark ones was a cloud that was dark and ominous, just the sight of it made me feel cold and alone. The sounds of lightning, fire and pain issued from it.
They rushed at each other. Ignited their sabers and attacked. Every time one was struck down, another would appear from their corresponding cloud.
Each time they emerged from the cloud; they would salute me and then rush into the battle and be struck down.
The corpses littered the ground.
It hurt every time I saw Jysella get struck down.
They were locked in battle. Dark against Light. Hope against despair. Love against hate.
But it was even deeper than that. As I watched, Tahiri would occasionally cut down Jysella, or one of the dark ones would cut down the other dark one. They all fought one another. It was not just light against dark. Tahiri and Jyeslla against the dark ones, it was also the Living and Chaotic Force against the Unifying and Dominating Force.
I wondered what it meant. What was I supposed to choose? Light or dark? Destiny or instinct? All of the above or some combination thereof. Was it a dual choice I was being offered here? Did I have to choose both a side, and a style?
How could I make a choice, when I did not understand what I was being asked?
I continued to just watch, not moving, barely breathing. Just watching.
Then the world dropped away. I stood alone once again. None of the characters that haunted my sleep, even their clouds were gone. I stood there like that alone, for what felt like an eternity.
I looked down and found myself standing on the galaxy, near the deep core. As I shifted, I could feel the galaxy tip one way or the other, so I scooted back to the balance point.
Up out of the darkness rose the four once again. They circled me and again I just watched.
Jysella stopped before me and said "I am the Living Force. I am the here and now for service and help."
The circle began moving again and a dark one stopped before me and said "I am the Chaotic Force. I am the here and now for attack and vengeance."
More movement and Tahiri stopped before me and said "I am the Unifying Force. I know destinies, and use them for the good of all."
Once again, they started moving, and once again they stopped. The final dark one stood before me and said "I am the Dominating Force. I know destinies and use them for power and rule."
The circle began moving again, running faster and faster around me. Then they stopped. And in sync they lifted a foot and stomped on the galaxy. I saw it split into four parts.
From each part shot a beam of colored light, green, orange, blue and red.
The beams of light solidified into ignited lightsabers.
Still acting as one they each grabbed the saber in front of them, and then screamed at me, "CHOOSE!"
Then they raised their sabers, and brought them down onto me.
I woke badly.