As the shoji door slid back, I winced at the slight sound that it made, fearful I would wake her.
Why was it so dark? Why was it so
empty?
It couldn't be true, I refused to believe
it.
Even as I walked to her beside, I still couldn't believe what she'd become. I had known her only twelve years and she was already withering away before my eyes.
How could this be?
Where were the servants? Why was no one here with her?
Father's warning!
It all came clear now… Father had made everyone go away. Father pretended nothing was happening. Father pretended she wasn't dying… I didn't care about his warning, I didn't care if I might catch her sickness, I didn't care about father and all of his damn lies!
As she lay there, struggling to breathe, struggling to stay alive, he was laying with his whore, that woman who reeked of child… What did it matter that mother was in here dying to him? He never cared for her! I might have been young, but I still knew the truth.
The truth.
Father was afraid, that was the truth. Or did he just not love her?
Did it matter?
It didn't matter. Father may have been too weak to stay with her, father may have been too afraid, but I wouldn't let her suffer alone. How many times had she stayed by my bedside when I was burning with fever? How many times had she remained when father told her to leave, told her to stay away so I could grow up?
Maybe he was right… Maybe all I needed was for her to go away and I would grow up…
I feel so old…
Mother has been sick for only a few days, but it feels as though she's been sick forever. Oba-san said that she might die from the sickness and told the servants to keep me away from her quarters as well.
Why do they all want to keep me away?
I don't care if oba-san is trying to protect me. I don't care if she thinks it might scar me if I stay with mother, I don't care if I get sick and die because I stay with mother! I won't let her be sick alone like everyone else! I won't let her die alone!
The servants are gone and no one is here to stop me from staying with her. I'll be the loyal one in the end. I'll stay with her when no one else will.
I don't want her to die…but if she has to, I don't want her to die alone…
I reach her side and see her move, maybe she's having a nightmare… No, she can't be…she's awake, I can tell… Why is she crying? I don't understand! Why is she crying! I'm here with her! Isn't that enough!
Her eyes are opening…they're strange… Can she see me? They're so cloudy… Is it the fever? Her hand is reaching up to me, taking mine. She's pulling me down beside her and there are more tears…
My eyes are burning…
Even as I lay here beside her, I can feel cold creeping into her skin. The heat from the fever has gone and all that's left is the chill of death. She's so cold… Where is the warmth that used to radiate off of her? Where is the strength she had?
Her breathing's slowing…
Why are you dying, mother? Why won't you stay here with me? I don't want you to leave… Father is strong, but not in the same way that you are… Father has the power to defeat his enemies, but you have the power of your feelings…
I want that power…
If father were dying, you'd stay with him! If father were dying, you wouldn't run to the arms of another! If father were dying, you wouldn't try to forget him!
No, you would spend his last breath with him and would shed tears over him… You wouldn't let him die alone… You wouldn't abandon him…
I hate him! I hate him!
Why can't he be strong like you, mother? Why is he so weak?
Why are you crying?
Are you crying over him? He isn't worth your tears! Why are you mourning him while you lay dying? But then…that's just the way you are… You pity him for his weakness, not even recognizing your own… It doesn't matter that he's with someone else and isn't strong enough to stay with you… All that matters is that you love him…
Is love always like that? Is it always so one-sided?
You're speaking! You're talking to me! Tell me you'll be all right! Tell me you aren't dying! Tell me you'll see me tomorrow! Please…just smile…just be yourself…just…just…
Don't leave me all alone…
I love you too, mother… I'll be good, I promise… I won't hate father and I'll grow up to be strong. I understand what's happening, please don't waste your final breaths…
Is this the end?
I see your breathing slow, I feel your heart slow, I feel your skin grow cold…
Goodbye, mother…I promise that when I find someone I love, I won't be as weak as father is… I, Sesshoumaru, swear that I will never abandon someone to face death alone…