The Shade of My Memory

By Chinesemoon

A/N: #2 in "The Generation before Us."

Severus Snape leaned back into the rough bark of the tree. Three heavy Dark Arts books weighed him down as he looked scornfully upon students sitting outside, scattered across the lawn. They were all in pairs and threes. God, was he the only person actually doing something useful? It figures, Severus thought in annoyance. All these bloody people don't give a damn about the future.

He flipped a page of his large book, feeling exceptionally ill-tempered. His eyes scanned the same sentence, over and over. The words held no meaning to him anymore. He had already read this dammit. He flipped to the back of the book. No, read that too.

He carelessly tossed the book aside and opened the next. Ever since he was fourteen, Severus Snape had been increasingly interested in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Since then, he must have checked out every Dark Arts book from the library twice. He'd read them all three times, he was sure of it. Still, the burning desire to learn more held him captive in his own mind. While everyone else thought about Quidditch and Hogsmeade, he shoved his head farther and farther into the pages of books.

The loud laughter of several Gryffindors a few trees over distracted him. He looked up, his dark eyes quickly scanning the laughing boys. Potter. Of course, Potter. Why did he bother to think it was anyone else? Severus sneered to himself as he watched momentarily as James Potter played with a Snitch for the thousandth time. His flunkies, Lupin, Pettigrew, and Black all laughed and cheered him on. The Quidditch player absently fiddled with the gold ball and grinned at his friends.

Severus tried as usual to ignore them. He'd quickly found out who was popular and who wasn't, who was hated and who was loved. He also found out who the outcasts were.

His bad attitude didn't help him win points with people or for his house. Severus shrugged the bad thoughts away from his mind, and stared at the pages of his book. The cool September air whipped his dark greasy hair out of his face. He leaned his head back against the tree and closed his eyes. All he wanted to do was sleep. His eyes snapped open. Every time his eyes drifted shut, the memories of the previous summer came flooding back to him like waves in the ocean.

Severus folded his arms behind his head and stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom. The dull afternoon sunlight spilled past the cracks in his heavy drapes. His body was tired, his mind was worse. As hard as he tried to shut it out, still her voice broke through the hard barrier he set up in his mind.

"Severus Snape, you get the hell down here!"

The tall teenager swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. Every time, every damn time he did that, he swore it would be the last time he answered his mother's call. Misery befriended him, and he wanted like nothing else to be able to escape the horror that was his home. The horror that was his family.

He took the stairs two at a time. His mother stood in the hallway, her arms crossed and a clearly furious expression across her hard face.

"Didn't I tell you to clean the cellar?" she shouted. "Didn't I?"

Severus kept his eyes locked on a spot beyond her head.

"Dammit, you answer me when I talk to you!"

"I already cleaned it, Mum," he muttered.

The pounding footsteps of his father were banging closer. Severus sighed mentally. When would he learn? When would he bloody learn to just do whatever the hell his mother said? Why did he argue? Why did he bother to speak? Why did he bother to live?

"Why are you arguing?" thundered his father. He stood beside his wife and looked equally furiously in Severus's direction. "Answer me, damn you!"

"I wasn't."

"Come here!" his father shouted loudly. Severus wondered why he bothered. He heard him all right; he was only ten feet away. The boy shrugged and took one single step closer.

"Come here, I said!"

He obeyed and was welcomed by a hard slam in the face. Fist connected with his face, yet again. This time, Severus didn't even flinch. He was used to this. His father seemed satisfied and walked off. His mother remained, still looking mad. Severus emotionlessly wiped away the blood that trickled down his face.

His mother pulled out her wand and pointed it at his broken nose. "Reparo!" she said.

It was almost uncanny how bad his mother's healing skills were. It had become almost like a tradition for Severus to look closely in the mirror at the end of the summer. He wanted to see how much more crooked his nose became this year.

"You're scum," his mother said, and she walked away.

Loud laughter ripped Severus from his highly unpleasant thoughts. He looked over to see James Potter, now standing, towering over Lily Evans. The red haired girl was scowling faintly at James and trying to push past him. James laughed and chatted her up.

Severus sneered again. Bloody Potter, Severus thought. He thinks he's such a ladies' man. His eyes remained locked on Lily Evans. The pretty Gryffindor was short, with freckles sprinkled across her face. She was one of the select few who didn't go out of their way to torment him. For that, she'd won his secret attention. To watch James Potter sweet talking her made him sicker than anything.

He felt a burst of satisfaction as Lily pushed her way past James and headed towards the tree he was leaning against. Severus quickly buried his head in his book. Lily sat down on the grass not more than ten feet away and opened her roll of parchment and scribbled on it quickly.

Only, Potter never knew how to let it be. The dark haired boy walked over, ignoring Severus and stood near to Lily.

"Hey, come on," James said. "Come back. I was joking around."

"Go away, James," Lily said. "I'm trying to do work, if you hadn't noticed."

"Wouldn't you rather do it over here, where you're not so close to this grease pit?"

Severus glared down at his book. He could feel the heat coming from his own face.

"Kindly leave the working people alone and go away, Potter," Severus spat. "Your overly large head is cramping my style."

He thought he heard a light laugh from Lily. He smirked at James.

"Boil in your own grease," James said, dismissively. He addressed Lily. "Lil, I'm sorry. Really."

Lily sighed. Severus watched her keenly from the corner of his eye.

"Will you shut up if I come back?" Lily asked, now sounding playful.

"Swear by Merlin," James said.

"Fine." Lily jumped up, and James swept her up in his arms at once. Severus felt ill at the sight of it, and continued to attempt his reading.

James and Lily returned to the group of loud Gryffindors. Severus slammed his book shut and closed his eyes. His head pounded with all the things he wanted to forget.

"You're scum," he said to himself.

Finis

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