The Art of Justice
By Ms Spooky
Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½. Rats!
Notes: This story takes place after the failed wedding.
Thanks everyone who reviewed!
'Panda signs'
'Mental thoughts'
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!
Ranma's Top 10 Favourite Mottos
Somewhere outside Nerima
A man in his sixties sat smoking his pipe as he watched a koi leap from the water. He looked up from his silent contemplation as a middle-aged woman joined him.
"Ranma should be back in Nerima by now," the woman said.
"Hmmm." The man took a few thoughtful puffs. "I wonder how the plan's going. What with all that chaos in his life, something could have happened to derail the whole thing."
"Oh, I'm sure he's doing fine, anata! We've spent months working out what to do and preparing for it. Ranma's ready," his wife replied. "So stop worrying."
"I'm not worrying," the man grumbled, with a hint of good humour.
There was another splash from the pond. The couple was quiet as they watched the rippling motion of the water.
"I'm sure he'll call us as soon as he can," his wife reassured him after a moment.
Her husband just blew out a smoke ring in reply.
Chapter 1 – Operation: Parental Control
The Tendo Dojo
The silence was profound.
All was still. Not even a cricket chirped.
Then Soun stirred. His head pivoted to face Ranma slowly like a tinman with rusty bolts in its neck, just minus the sound effects. "R-Ranma," he spoke, voice hoarse, "what… what is the meaning of this?"
Ranma gently lifted the paper from the Tendo patriarch's suddenly slack hands and perused it thoughtfully. "I think it's a seppuku contract, Mr Tendo," he answered helpfully.
It was accurate, it was correct, but his statement did not, in any way whatsoever, add to anything that they didn't already know.
Soun Tendo's jaw worked. "But… but…"
Akane, torn between horror and outrage, instinctively knew who was to blame. "Ranma, how could you do this to your parents?" she burst out, quivering with righteous fury.
The young man quirked a brow. "Huh? What d'ya mean, Akane?"
"You know exactly what I mean!" she glared, hands on hips.
Ranma scratched the back of his head, his forehead furrowed in concentration. "Nope, not a clue," he said after a while of furious thinking, further adding to the girl's ire. "Listen, Akane, you've gotta be more specific, ya know? What're you accusing me of this time?" he asked a little plaintively.
He knew he was tempting fate by daring to question Akane like this since the girl had a hair trigger of a temper. But honestly! Not a day went by without the youngest Tendo blaming him for something, so who knew what she was talking about now?
"Grrrr!" Akane's fists clenched. "I'm talking about that seppuku contract, of course! How could you do this to your parents?"
At this, Ranma leaped up. "Hey!" he yelped, hands held up in protest. "Since when could I ever make my parents do something they don't wanna do?" he yelled, getting right up in her face. "I mean, Mom's got the seppuku contract and the family sword, and Pop's never done anything he doesn't want to!"
Despite her anger, this fact gave her pause.
Everyone that was still conscious blinked-blinked.
"Oh my," Kasumi said, one hand on her face in dawning surprise. "You're right, Ranma-kun."
Nabiki, who was still in the process of getting over the little brain fart she had experienced earlier, also nodded slowly in agreement. "That's right, there's no way Saotome could pull off something like this," she muttered quietly, but everyone heard.
Ranma threw her a dirty look.
"So how…?" she continued to herself, a thoughtful finger on her chin.
Akane was getting confused. Soun was already there.
Further questioning was put on hold as the bodies of the senior Saotomes stirred.
"Ooooh, what happened?" Nodoka moaned as she got up, rubbing her temples tiredly.
'Yeah, what happened?' Genma signed as he struggled to roll his fat, albino panda body up.
"Hey Mom, Pop. You guys OK? I mean, you passed out for quite a while," Ranma said as he helped his mother sit up at the low table. Kasumi magically appeared at his elbow with a fresh pot of brewed tea which she promptly poured into two cups for his parents.
Nodoka turned bloodshot eyes on her son. "Passed out?" she repeated with confusion. "No, no, I think I must have fallen asleep, because I just had this most terrible dream," she said, then shivered slightly as if from a slight chill. "It was so odd!"
'Weird! Me too,' read Genma's sign.
The Tendos and Ranma exchanged looks, sweat dropping.
"What did you dream about, Auntie Saotome?" Kasumi prompted kindly.
At that, Nodoka let off a nervous titter. "Oh, that Genma and I signed a seppuku contract and that Ranma was waving the sword around practising the daki-kubi (1) all the time because he was taking his duties as kaishaku (2) really seriously. I mean, really!" she shook her head at the idea, taking a reviving sip of the tea.
The sweatdrops got bigger. This was a new twist on Nodoka's usual seppuku-induced nightmare. Instead of Nodoka, now Ranma was the kaishaku, or the second in the ritual, whose duty was to do the daki-kubi, the final killing blow by beheading.
'!' Genma waved. Then he flipped the sign: 'Hey, I dreamt something like that too!'
The Saotome couple were clearly in denial.
"Er…" Nabiki tried to find a way to break it to her gently.
"It's frankly absurd! Something like that could never happen!" Nodoka declared, some colour returning to her face along with her confidence. "The very idea!"
Really, really in denial.
"Um, Auntie Saotome," Akane began hesitantly. "The fact is…"
That was when Nodoka glanced over at her pandafied husband to share what was rapidly becoming a funny joke. The colour drained from her face.
Genma was mystified. 'What?' It wasn't like Nodoka didn't have time to get used to his curse. His gaze followed his wife's shaking hand as it rose to point at him.
The giant creature indicated himself with a white paw. "Grwph?"
And that was when he noticed the colour of his fur.
Or rather, the lack of colour.
Together, the pseudo-polar bear and his human wife turned to their son who helpfully held up a piece of paper for them to read.
It looked awfully familiar.
Once again, the Tendos and Ranma were treated to another living enactment of 'Scream', the Munch painting. The only difference was that this time, Genma-panda's fur was puffed up from fright, as if someone had accidentally plugged him into a power socket.
After spending a few minutes in appreciation of this macabre piece of living art, it was the youngest Tendo who broke the silence.
"Um Ranma," Akane said tentatively, "you're not… seriously thinking of going through with this… are you?"
Her fiancé did not immediately answer. While everyone awaited his response with their hearts in their mouths, Nodoka and Genma sweated, already feeling the icy edge of a phantom blade against their vulnerable necks.
Then Ranma struck a heroic pose, with one foot on the table, and one fist held up to the sky, determination radiating out of every pore. His audience could almost feel the wet spray of the imaginary giant ocean waves as it splashed high against an imaginary shore in the background.
"Of course I'm going through with it!" he exclaimed, blue eyes blazing with fervour.
Everybody blanched.
"How could I do any less with the example my Mom's set before me with my pact?" His eyes shimmered with some indescribable emotion. "My parents signed this contract – so duty demands that I, as their son, have to honour and abide by it too!"
Nodoka and Genma whimpered pitiably.
"S-son," his mother stuttered faintly. "Surely you can't mean that?"
"Mom!" Ranma was suddenly in front of her, holding her hands in his. He clasped them to his chest and gazed up at her.
Let it be noted for the record that Nodoka was not comforted in the least by the light of newfound zealotry shining in his eyes.
"I promise I will make you proud! I will uphold the honour of our clan, no matter what it takes," he vowed. "Even though I don't like using weapons or killing people, I'll make an exception for you and Pop 'cause you're family. I will learn and perfect the daki-kubi." Ranma's fanatical gaze softened. "Don't worry, it shouldn't take me long at all. A day or two, tops! So if the time ever comes, I swear on my honour, I'd be ready!"
If that was meant to reassure, it failed, miserably.
Ranma saw their reactions, and judged that maybe more reassurance was in order. "Really! You two won't feel a thing!" he promised.
Afterwards, everyone swore that it was a sudden, freak gust of arctic wind that caused the hair to stand up on their necks.
Nodoka's mouth opened and closed like a fish. "S-s-son…. I-I don't know what to say…"
'&$!#!'
Genma was so nervous, he was starting to write gibberish on his signboard.
The Saotome matriarch's mind whirled in desperation before latching onto a thread of hope. "Ranma, as your ever loving mother… I-I can't put you in such a hard position! You're still too young to live with this responsibility! So I've changed my mind-"
"Mom!" Ranma shook his head to forestall her with an air of noble sacrifice. "No! I can't let you do that. Thanks for worrying 'bout me, but I can't let you disgrace yourself and our family honour by taking it back!"
Nodoka swallowed hard. "Son-"
"Mom, remember what you did for me?" Ranma continued. The unspoken 'to me', (which would have made more sense in context with his life), was conspicuous by its absence. "I am your only child, and you were ready and willing to do a hard thing for honour by acting as my second." The boy appeared deeply moved at the memory.
Nodoka flinched, feeling ashamed as some of the impact of his meaning hit her.
Her son continued on. "How can you ask me to do any less than what you were prepared to do for me! I am willing to do my duty, Mom. I gotta return the favour. I don't hafta like it, but I will do it. It's for family honour, after all. And I know just how important that is to you and Pop."
'$!#$&!#&!' But the beast was ignored, as everyone was too busy gawking at this extremely disturbing (yet strangely touching) mother-son bonding moment.
"Er…" Nodoka was stumped, and tasting for the first time, the harsh bitterness of honour taken too far. Needless to say, she didn't like it.
Ranma's next line was the deal clincher. "'Sides, it's the manly thing to do."
Hoist by her own petard!
'#$!#&!#$!&$#$$!' was Genma's opinion, not that anyone understood it or cared.
Soun cried waterfalls, unable to contribute anything positive. How will the Schools be joined with Genma out of commission?
It was then that Nabiki chose to stir. "Er, Ranma-kun?"
Soun's head almost blurred with the speed with which he swung it towards her. If anyone could salvage this situation, it was Nabiki! She was such a smart girl! So like her mother…
"Yeah?" Ranma turned his blue eyes from his mother's petrified form to the middle Tendo daughter. Nabiki shivered from the intensity of his gaze. Such passion!
She forced herself to paste on a rueful smile. "OK Ranma-kun, you've had your fun. Now be serious. You're not really going to hold your parents to something like this are you?"
Ranma gave her an incredulous stare. "Of course I'm serious. In fact, I've never been more serious in my life!"
Nabiki looked politely disbelieving. "Yeah, right. I know you, Ranma Saotome. There's no way you'd do anything like this!" she said, pointing at him dramatically.
Ranma's ailing parents and the Tendos perked up at that.
"Yes, yes, Ranma is only joking," Soun seconded enthusiastically, now weeping tears of relief. He turned hopeful eyes onto the youth. "Aren't you, son?"
"GrargrorwGrwph!" Genma said, wiping his brow. Translation: You almost had me there, boy!
"Oh my."
"Well, Ranma?" Akane challenged.
The boy stared back steadfastly. "I want you all. To. Read. My Lips," he intoned carefully.
They nodded, deciding to humour him, just this once. It would serve him right if they punished him for springing such an inappropriate joke on them, but that could be saved for later, after they had all recovered from this rather nasty shock.
"For the last time… I. Am. NOT. Joking!"
Dead silence.
Then an albino panda keeled over with a groan, his wife joining him a second later.
Akane felt that it was time she took matters into her own hands, this nonsense had gone on long enough. As his fiancée, it was her duty to make him see things their way. She decided the best way to do this was to be direct.
"Ranma! You can't do this to your parents!"
"But, Akane – it's family honour."
"We..well…" she spluttered, floundering. "But they're your parents!"
"So? Your point being?" he asked.
"Th..well…your parents… Th-but. Bu-but you just can't! It's not the done thing!"
Akane could be really eloquent when she tried.
Ranma threw a look heavenward in frustration as if to say 'WHY me?' Then, with the air of a parent trying to teach a stubborn, uncooperative child, he knuckled down to explain the situation. "Akane, it's my family's honour on the line here. In my family, it's OK to have seppuku pledges against each other! Heck, my parents did it to me when I was, what, four? Five? Six? Geez, I can't even remember when it happened!" He threw his hands up in the air. "So if it's OK for a little kid, then why shouldn't it be OK for grown ups?"
Soun was beside himself. "Ranma, surely we can talk about this!" he said through his tears, trying to negotiate a compromise they could all live with – 'live' being the operative word. "No one needs to die. Family honour would be quite satisfied if you'd just marry my Akan-"
Twin glares from the prospective bride and groom shut him up. Only for a second. "WAAAAH! My daughter and son-in-law are scary!"
It was simply amazing how much water the man had stored – to be able to weep for so long and at such quantities and still remain upright and coherent was nothing short of miraculous! As he continued to cry heroically in the face of imminent death by dehydration, Soun, the human cactus, proved what a friend he was as he refused to stop pleading for the life of Genma and Nodoka.
Telling Ranma what to do didn't seem to work, but perhaps appealing to the boy's forgiving nature was the way to go…?
"Ranma! For the love of God! Spare your parents!"
Ranma looked unimpressed.
…or not.
Soun looked pleadingly towards his smart daughter for help, but Nabiki was too busy picking her jaw off the ground to be of much use.(3) Ranma was usually like an open book! When was she starting to figure him wrong? What impact would this have on her betting books?
'Oh, my freaking God! Was it 'The Day' already? Did making a seppuku contract with his parents count? How could I have not seen this coming?' Nabiki's thoughts were a jumbled whirl. 'Did anyone win? The odds for today would be rather… high. Oh my gosh, I have to go check my books!' Then reason prevailed as she tried to calm her racing pulse. 'No, no, I can't yet! I need to see this new development through!'
Ranma was starting to get annoyed. "Look, why are you guys so upset anyway? You all act like I'm gonna kill my parents tonight or something!"
Genma and Nodoka came to just in time to hear his last sentence which shocked them all the way back to wakefulness. It was rather hard to sleep when your eyes were the size of dinner plates.
Surprisingly, it was Kasumi who answered him. "Ranma-kun, we're just concerned, that's all. After all, the contract stipulates that your parents have to be 'good and honourable parents', and I'm afraid they just – pardon me for saying this – don't…" there was a delicate pause "…make the cut."
The senior Saotomes winced.
Ranma considered this, then let off a put-upon sigh. "Look, guys. Just 'cause my family have two honour pacts don't mean we're gonna go around cutting our bellies open and chopping heads off, 'K? Of course I'll be fair and do the decent thing - I'll give them just as much chance as they gave me."
His parents decided a nap was looking good, so promptly lost consciousness again.
Everyone else shuddered at the ghastly description. Then felt an icier chill at Ranma's last statement, wondering if the pigtailed boy realised the true implication of his words… But he had such a sincere and benevolent look on his face…!
"So how did you get them to sign it?" Akane demanded, trying to regain lost ground. "You didn't beat them up or anything… did you?" Her fingers twitched, as if just waiting for an excuse to mallet him to kingdom come.
Ranma looked disgusted at the thought. "Oh please! Do they look bruised and hurt to you?"
"But you must have done something…!" Akane was like a dog with a bone.
"Geez! Look, I didn't make 'em do nothing.(4) They," he indicated his comatose parents with a thumb, "did it of their own free will."
The Tendos could only gape, except for Kasumi who also said, "Oh my!"
Nabiki glanced at the unconscious couple, then back at their son. "Somehow, I don't believe that's what's actually happened, Ranma-kun," she commented challengingly, her Ice Queen persona firmly back in place.
"So… what? You're saying I'm lying to ya?"
At that, there was a collective blink. Everyone suddenly recalled this young man's inability to carry off a lie.
It also took the wind out of their sails.
"Then, what happened, Ranma?" Akane asked meekly, losing her rage on behalf of her Auntie Nodoka. (She couldn't care less about Genma, seeing as he had it coming.)
"Well…"
>
>
----Flashback----
Two hours ago…
Ranma put his backpack down with a sigh. Much as he loved going on these solo training trips over the last few months, what he badly wanted now was a nice, hot bath. With his Ki Sense, he could tell that only his parents were home.
Perfect. With none of the girls around, he could finally have a long relaxing bath without fear of anyone walking in (Akane)/spying on him (Nabiki). And since he had just slipped quietly back, chances were good that none of his other fiancées or rivals were aware of his return… yet.
So after telling his parents where he'd be, he went to the bathroom to
-----Flashback rudely interrupted---
>
>
"OW!" Ranma groaned, reaching up to remove the mallet embedded in the back of his head. "What d'ya do that for?" he asked indignantly as he peeled himself from the floor.
"You pervert!" Akane panted angrily, crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't want to hear about you doing perverted things in the bathroom!" Whether her face was flaming red from anger or embarrassment, no one could tell. "Hmpfh! I'm not a pervert like you!" she added the last, as if trying to convince herself of this fact, giving the rest a clue as to what kind of bathroom scene she was actually picturing in her head.
Ranma glared at her through his pain. "You asked me what happened and I'm telling you!" he said through clenched teeth, although inwardly, he was surprised she had lasted this long before hitting him.
Before the youngest Tendo could whack him again, Nabiki stopped her. "I think we're getting off track here," she said coldly. "Well, Ranma-kun? Please continue."
"Well, as I was saying, I wanted to have a nice long soak by myself," he said, valiantly ignoring the 'I'll just bet, the pervert', muttered darkly off to one side, "and when I got out, Mom and Pop's already gone and signed the seppuku contract."
It was Nabiki's turn to raise an eyebrow. "That's it?"
"Yep."
"That's it!"
"Basically, yeah."
"THAT'S IT!"
Nabiki still wasn't convinced.
Ranma shrugged internally. Like hell he was going to tell her what really happened…
>
>
----Flashback----
Ranma could only sense the ki of his parents in the house when he returned from his training trip.
Perfect. He had been waiting for this moment for a loooong time now. He knew that the Tendos had plans for the day, and was glad to see that nothing had happened to change that.
After checking that he was alone, he whipped out a box from subspace and jammed it into his backpack in such a way that it would be hard to miss, then announced his return loudly as he slipped his shoes off, taking care that the box was displayed prominently at all times to his parents' avaricious and curious eyes.
Five minutes later, as Ranma closed the bathroom door behind him, his enhanced senses detected his parents sneaking off to where the backpack was stored in the dojo where Ranma was staying after Nodoka had moved in, and then return to their room – presumably with that mysterious box.
Ranma grinned nastily. Using the Umisenken to mask his presence, he stealthily crept back towards his parents' bedroom and peered through one of the holes in the door panel – a souvenir of Happosai's last rampage – that was yet to be repaired.
His mother was squealing girlishly in glee, waving victory fans. Genma was poring over a pile of papers in front of him with a greedy smile on his face.
His parents had taken the bait!
Ranma almost gave himself away by whooping with delight, but managed to control himself in time.
That large pile of papers contained an assortment of forms - several copies of marriage certificates, application papers for several martial arts tournaments, a few other application forms, seppuku contracts, things like that. Most were authentic, some were clever fakes.
The forms appeared as if they had been thrown together haphazardly, when in fact its arrangement followed a cunning design. The location for the signatures on each page was always found in a similar place on succeeding sheets, so that it followed a gradual meandering path. This meant that there was no jarring transition between papers which would arouse unwanted scrutiny. Little colourful Post-It notes saying 'Please sign here' had also been helpfully attached to the appropriate places on the pages.
As an extra precaution, certain papers guaranteed to grab his parents' attention (such as marriage certificates, for example) were placed in pride of place, just so that some relatively unimportant looking ones 'slipped under the radar', so to speak.
It was a risky gamble, one that would probably have nil chance of success with anyone else (other than his parents). But Ranma had reached the crisis point. He wanted out, and didn't care how he was going to do it nor about any possible fallout from his actions. If he had to, he was going ronin. His parents can fix up the mess they caused, because the way he saw it, most of it was their fault.
But in any case, he had several major factors working in his favour.
Firstly, he had the element of surprise. Ranma had taken care to maintain the status quo, so that no one would see 'The Day' coming. Yes, he knew about the betting rings. His blue eyes narrowed. For trying to profit from his pain, Nabiki was going to get hers, he vowed.
Secondly, judging by the scenarios been betted on in Nabiki's pools, no one had any inkling how he was going to blow his steam. No one in their wildest dreams would have foreseen his chosen method, nor see it coming until it was too late.
Thirdly, Ranma knew his parents, and their behaviour almost always followed certain predictable patterns given certain stimuli. And he was banking on his parents to continue this pattern. They had mostly let him down all his life, but just this once, he hoped they would come through for him by being their usual irresponsible selves.
Lastly, Ranma had a secret weapon. He had the backing of people he met one fateful day several months ago who genuinely wanted to help him win back control over his life. Without them, none of this would be possible, and chances were he would still be trapped in the hellish Catch-22 (5) that was his life, and being driven mad or dead as a result.
But now, with help and a little ingenuity, there was a high probability of not only success, but getting some poetic justice and revenge as well.
The cloaked boy held his breath as his unsuspecting parents rifled through the papers, fingers crossed for luck.
Then it happened.
Genma got excited over the marriage certificates, then became riveted by several martial arts tournament forms (faked) which stated that the person who was to be in charge of any prize money won had to be the one whose signature appeared on a certain part of the paper.
Hook…
Ranma had taken care to sign his own name on a few of the forms, making his father scowl when he saw that. The large man fumed, thinking of ways around this, then brightened when he saw an extra line for another co-signature.
'If I sign these forms, I'd get at least half the money. If both Nodoka and I sign the other ones, then I'd get all of the money!'(6)At the thought of losing out on fifty percent of Ranma's potential earnings from three competitions, he darkened again. 'Damn the boy. How could he do this to me after all that I've sacrificed for him? I'm glad I went through his things. Left to himself, it would be just like the idiot boy to keep all that money to himself, or lose it to Nabiki. Ungrateful child! I can protect his money better from Nabiki (7). After all, a father knows best!'
His son smirked. As he had planned, his father got greedy and angry in that order. When he was like that, he was even more stupid than usual. And, consumed by greed, he would be quite eager to sign the rest of the papers just in case, and as quickly as possible, before Ranma came back from his 'bath' - even if said papers had nothing to do with money, like, say, a certain honour pledge.
…line…
As for Nodoka, all she could see was the multiple marriage certificates. A more level headed, less manliness obsessed mother might have queried the need for so many copies, but not the Saotome matriarch! "My son is so manly!" she crowed in joy, doing a victory lap of the small room. "Grandbabies!"
Then she paused. 'Genma and I had better sign these as quickly as possible so that my manly son can make his marriage official! I'm glad I went through his things. If left to himself, my manly son would probably be too shy to approach me about this. When he finds out, he's going to be so grateful! After all, a mother knows best!'
She turned to her husband. Genma looked up, his glasses flashing.
"No-chan, we better get these signed before the boy gets back!"
"Yes. We can't let him change his mind!" Nodoka nodded solemnly.
…sinker.
Grinning, they each grabbed a pen and started signing away without any further investigation of what was in the pile. They took care to be neat at first, then as they looked at the inch stack of sheets, and the possible amount of time they had left before their son's return, they went "EEP!" and started to sign away furiously and indiscriminately.
They went faster and faster as they got a good rhythm going, streamlining the process as they went along. Thank goodness for those Post-It notes!
Grab page, sign, shove to spouse, sign, place in new stack.
Grab page, sign, shove to spouse, sign, place in new stack.
It got to the point where they could do it without looking. It was almost hypnotic.
Under the Umisenken, Ranma felt his heart thump wildly as he watched them, praying for success. Then they got past the crucial section without incident, and the young martial artist almost wilted from sheer relief.
'Know your enemy' indeed. That Sun Tze guy really knew what he was talking about when he wrote 'The Art of War'!
Suddenly in a better mood, he decided to go have a bath for real. When he got back, it would be time for Phase 2 of this operation.
He felt a momentary twinge at doing this to his mother. A twinge. Just that, and nothing more. Nodoka had turned out to be as big a disappointment as his father, and the emotion was made worse by the high hopes Ranma once had for her.
And as for tricking his parents into signing their lives away?
They had it coming for not respecting his privacy.
----End flashback----
>
>
Nabiki took a deep breath, trying to find an angle to crack Ranma. It can't be as simple as he made it out to be. There was no way Genma and Nodoka Saotome signed a suicide pledge of their own free, or she wasn't the Ice Queen of Furinkan High! "In that case," she said, indicating his parents with a wave of her hand, "how come they're so horrified?"
Ranma's gaze did not waver as he looked her in the eyes. "'Cause they didn't realise what they'd signed until I pointed it out."
At that, the Tendos blink-blinked at Ranma.
Then blink-blinked some more.
Ranma smiled a secret smile.
>
>
----Flashback----
The showdown happened in the living room, where his parents had removed themselves and the box of papers to await him.
As soon as Ranma stormed into the room, his parents were already speaking. They had agreed beforehand that dog-piling Ranma by surprise was the way to go. When one's position was weak, attack first.
"Insolent boy! Did you think we wouldn't find out?" Genma barked sternly. He indicated the box and its contents.
"Ranma, you really shouldn't keep things secret from your parents you know," Nodoka chided gently. "Especially about something like this! After all, proper weddings take careful planning to get everything just right. How can you do it without your mother to organise things? Do you really want to disappoint your chosen bride on her big day?"
"You went through my things!" Ranma accused angrily. (It wasn't hard to feign anger with parents like these. Recalling any random events over the past ten or so years would do it.)
Genma snorted. "Boy, as your martial arts master, you should keep me informed at all times about your plans. After all, you are representing the honour of our School. How dare you enter these competitions without informing me!"
"I just got home!" Ranma bit back, starting to feel real anger coursing through him. He tamped it down with some effort, employing a modified form of the Soul of Ice. He couldn't afford to lose his cool now!
His parents were silent for a moment. Then they started grinning smugly. The abrupt one-eighty would have been quite disconcerting if Ranma didn't already have the inside scoop.
"Ha ha, boy!" Genma guffawed. "We're not really angry with you. In fact, we've signed the whole damn boxful of forms for you! I don't mind you entering competitions, but remember who your master is, boy. As a minor, you need my consent to enter – both as your father and sensei." His glasses flashed ominously as if daring Ranma to argue.
"And we signed all those marriage certificates as well," Nodoka beamed. "Now you can get married straight away!" A hitch. "Waah! My son is so manly!"
Ranma winced internally. His mother did that a lot, and frankly, he found it really embarrassing. "So, um, did you read through everything carefully?" Ranma asked as he pulled the box to himself with a hooked finger and tipped it all out.
"Of course we did! How else could we have signed them in the proper places?" was the indignant reply, in a 'do you think we're idiots?' kind of way.
Ranma thumbed through the stack, confirming that yes, all of them had been signed.
"Oh, that's good. If you're sure then."
"Aren't you lucky you have us as your parents, boy?" Genma said as he cast an indulgent look at his wife. "I mean, how many parents do you know would bother to sign every single one of those forms you brought back?" He didn't bother to mention that he had been mainly motivated by greed and getting the Schools joined.
The quiet shuffle of papers was his only reply. Genma, a little miffed, turned to his son. Ranma seemed preoccupied as he sat sorting through the forms with Amariguriken speed, hands blurring as he picked out a few sheets and stacked the remainder together on the table. Of the few he picked out, one he laid back, facedown, on the table, while the others seemed to shimmer before disappearing... somewhere.
Genma's eyes widened. The Hidden Weapons Technique! When did his son pick that up? He felt a slight prickle of unease as Ranma continued to defy expectations and act out of character. Wasn't he supposed to be getting all red in the face by now, both arms flapping in agitation as he protested that he didn't want to marry a tomboy like Akane?
Ranma glanced up from his task with a distracted frown. "What?" he asked.
Genma narrowed his eyes. "I was just telling you what good parents you have," he said slowly. "And you're supposed to agree, boy. Our hands are still killing us from that marathon session of signing!"
"So?"
"So!" Genma pounded a fist onto the table. "So, he says!"
This had the effect of returning Nodoka back to the real world once more. "Genma dear, why are you so angry? Our manly son is finally willing to get married and join the Schools – shouldn't you be overjoyed?" she said, laying a calming hand on his shoulder.
Genma huffed with self-righteous indignation. "No-chan! Tell that ingrate son of ours how we slaved for an hour to ensure his future happiness! Tell him how we sweated through the pain of muscle spasms to make his wish come true!" He held out his stiff hand, claw-like, as if to make a point. "The least he could do is show some appreciation!"
Nodoka turned a wounded expression on her son. "Ranma! How could you hurt your father's feelings?"
Ranma was bewildered. "But I didn't say nothin', Mom! Wha'cha talking about?"
Genma sighed with a look of noble suffering. "We're saying that you should thank us for all our hard work! You should thank your lucky stars that you have good parents who care about you!"
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Sure, sure, anythin' ya say, Pop."
"Son, are you trying to say you don't think we're good parents?" Genma rose to his full height. Nodoka gripped the ever present Saotome honour blade tighter until her knuckles turned white, a plastic smile on her face.
"Well, can you back it up?" Ranma's tone was deliberately insolent.
"Of course I can! Genma struck a dramatic pose, getting a little carried away. "With my life!"
"Husband!" Nodoka was moved to tears. "You're so manly!"
Genma's chest puffed out even more, if that was even possible.
Ranma's voice remained matter-of-fact. "Oh, OK. That's good, I guess, considering…"
The older man stiffened. That prickle of unease from earlier suddenly became a blaring red alert. "Considering?" he barked a little more harshly than he intended.
"…considering that you signed a seppuku contract to that effect," Ranma continued.
At first, the elder Saotome couple could not believe their ears, and nasty shock robbed them of speech for a few minutes. The family ignored the lone tumbleweed that appeared out of nowhere to roll across the room.
Genma cleaned his ear out roughly with a pinky finger, wondering if he was developing a hearing problem or something. He couldn't have heard what he just heard! Right? Right! "Heh, heh," he began with false cheer, "Ranma, I could've sworn I just heard you say that your mother and I signed a seppuku contract or something like that."
"You did." Ranma was the very picture of contented serenity as he sat across from them. It seemed very surreal to his parents whose euphoria from earlier was clearing up fast.
"WHAT!"
Nodoka was upset, the family honour sword clutched in a death grip. "When?" she cried out. "Why would we do such a thing? And how could you do this to us, son?"
"Just now. How should I know? As it turned out, very easily," Ranma replied, outwardly unruffled. "I mean, why are you guys pretending not to know anything about it? Thought you said you read everything."
"Er…"
"Look, I want you both to listen to this." Ranma turned over the piece of paper in front of him and read it out loud, "'We swear that we will be good and honourable parents or we will commit seppuku. Signed: Saotome Genma, Saotome Nodoka.'"
"WHAAAT!" with a shriek, Nodoka snatched it out of her son's hands and read it for herself. She froze.
At the words 'commit seppuku', Genma's reflexes kicked in. He splashed himself with a bucket of cold water which he got from nowhere and held up a sign. 'I'm just a cute panda!'
Ranma shook his head wearily. "Cut it out, Pops. There's no point hiding as a panda when I already know what you are."
The panda big-sweated. He turned to his wife who had turned to stone, and plucked the paper from her hands and read it. He paled, the colour leaching out of his black fur.
Ranma fingered his chin thoughtfully. "Wonder if you could still do it as a panda? Might be a little tricky with paws, but if you can write signs, then you should be able to hold a knife no problem!" When he looked at his parents again, Ranma blinked at their latest pose.
And that was when the Tendos had gatecrashed their little party.
----End of Flashback-----
>
>
"'They didn't realise what they had signed?'" Nabiki quoted incredulously. "Do you realise how stupid that sounds?"
Ranma shrugged. "Hey, you're talking about my parents, ya know?" he said with an air of resignation. "And one of them's Pop," he added unnecessarily. The way he figured it, the last sentence pretty much explained everything.
It did, sort of.
His father was an idiot, period. And his mother, who obviously had the instincts of a lemming, had a propensity to follow her husband blindly, regardless of common sense (as was perfectly illustrated by the first seppuku contract, and then letting Genma take off with her only son for over a decade to god knew where).
"But still, why did they sign anything at all in the first place?" Nabiki, the information-monger, wasn't satisfied. Something was missing in the picture, and she would be darned if she didn't find out!
At that, Ranma smirked as if he recalled something amusing.
Nabiki tapped her foot impatiently, glaring at the pigtailed young man when it appeared he wasn't planning to answer anytime soon. She cleared her throat pointedly to get his attention. "Well, Ranma-kun? Care to fill us in on the details like why your parents signed another seppuku contract?"
Ranma smiled a Cheshire smile. "Oh that…." he said, bringing a finger to his lips "…is a secret!"
The floor of the living room shook with the force of multiple facefaults.
Nabiki dragged herself back up to glare at the pigtailed martial artist. "Ha ha, Saotome. Now cut the 'Slayers' crap," she snarled. "I want the truth, NOW!"
"Fine. 50,000 yen," Ranma said, holding out his hand in perfect imitation of a certain Ice Queen of Furinkan High.
"What! You're charging me!" Nabiki bit back in outrage.
"OK, if you insist. 60,000 yen."
Thud!
"How dare you!"
"70,000!" Ranma sing-songed. He quirked an eyebrow in genuine surprise at Nabiki. "Geez, Nabs, I thought you were some kinda hotshot negotiator! And you haven't even made me an offer yet!"
Nabiki's blood pressure shot up into the stratosphere in reply.
"80,000! Final offer – take it or leave it!"
Thud!
"Do you know who you're talking to!" Nabiki gave herself a mental slap on the head. She could have done better than that, but being rattled by the events unfolding earlier, she had let her guard down, and was now paying the price.
"Oh, Nabiki, Nabiki," Ranma shook his head sadly. "I guess there's no sale! And here I was hoping I could cut you the same deals you usually give me!"
"…" THUD!
This time, Nabiki was out for the count, having taken one hit too many to the head.
The other three conscious Tendos looked at Ranma almost fearfully before Akane got into a defensive position in front of Kasumi and Soun.
"Now what?" Ranma asked with a put upon sigh.
"All right, just who are you?" Akane growled. "And what have you done with Ranma?"
Ranma's eyebrow perked up.
"What are you talking about? I'm sitting right here!"
"Come now, son," Soun said as he finally stopped weeping, a forced smile on his face, "tell us the truth and no one has to get hurt."
The other brow shot up to join its twin.
"But I am telling you the truth!" Ranma insisted.
Akane stiffened. "Stay back! When the real Ranma gets back, you're gonna be sorry!"
"Man!" the youth threw his hands up in the air. "I don't know whether to feel good that you think so well of me, or bad that you don't even recognise your own fiancé!"
Akane sneered. "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove-" she trailed off when there was a splash, and a red-headed Ranma-chan stood before her, dripping with pond water, while tapping one foot impatiently on the ground.
"Satisfied? D'ya believe me now?"
"Oh my!"
"It really is you, son!" There was a sudden explosion of water from Soun's eyes. "Wah! My son-in-law has turned into my mercenary daughter!"
"Ra..Ranma …?" Akane had to sit down. Then had to shift out of her father's range as salt water poured out of his eyes like twin waterfalls.
The pigtailed girl blew the wet bangs from her forehead and sighed. "Look, there's no point in talking about it anymore when you're all like this," she said. "So I'm gonna be in the dojo if anyone wants me."
And with that, she exited the scene.
If Ranma had a choice, she would be somewhere far away, but she knew that unwelcome suspicions would be raised if she left the Tendo compound without good reason. And she couldn't afford to indulge herself right now, too much was still at stake.
As Ranma-chan made her way out, she detoured past the kitchen where she snagged some hot water to turn herself back into a boy. But when the water froze on contact with her skin instead of transforming her back into a boy, she gave herself a light smack on the head as she remembered something.
The Soul of Ice. How could she have forgotten that she was submerged in a variation of the technique in order to keep her head so that she could pull this off? She slowly released the technique before splashing herself with more hot water again.
Once more in his birth form, Ranma hurriedly reapplied the Soul of Ice before his control slipped and the laughter he could feel bubbling up inside burst out where it was not safe from prying eyes and ears. He resumed his way towards the dojo, while carefully searching for signs of pursuit. He let off a mental sigh of relief when there was none, and after closing the door and ensuring no unwelcome visitors were hiding somewhere – he had earlier already made sure there were no electronic surveillance of any kind - he sat in the centre of the room and finally relaxed his grip on his emotions.
At first, he was still. Then it started. Small shudders, then larger ones shook his muscular frame as he snorted, gulped, then gave into laughter so hard that it was mostly silent as he struggled to get air into his lungs. Tears streamed down his face as he held onto his stomach with one arm, while pounding the floor with the other.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he finished, gulping in lungfuls of air. God, he really needed that. Belatedly, he wondered if he had been overheard, then realised there were no reason to worry. He had been laughing so hard, that aside from some faint wheezing and gasps, no other sound had escaped.
Spent, he collapsed down on the dojo floor and stared up at the high ceiling in contentment, a pleasant ache in his stomach, and feeling true peace for the first time in years.
While revelling in this foreign sensation, he lazily reached into subspace and brought out a cellphone. As he switched it on, he remembered a different sort of abdominal pain six months ago…
>
>
-----Flashback-----
"Young man! Stop that at once!"
Ranma jerked and dropped the tanto in shock.
An older, distinguished gentleman and his wife rushed up to him in alarm. The woman clucked in distress as she wadded a clean white handkerchief and pressed down hard on Ranma's stomach. The cloth quickly turned bright red.
The man quickly kicked the tanto away out of the pigtailed martial artist's reach, and knelt down next to him. With his wife still keeping the pressure over the wound, he pushed Ranma to lie flat on the ground. The boy was too stunned to offer any resistance.
He remained passive as the older couple inspected the wound. They breathed a sigh of relief when they realised the puncture was small, and that the blood was already clotting up. They glanced at the knife lying forlornly a few feet away in the dirt, and noted that only half an inch of the live steel was dyed red. With any luck the depth of penetration of the wound was shallow enough not to have done too much damage.
As one the couple resumed their medical attention on the boy. The woman gasped.
"Look!" There was amazement in her voice.
Her husband obeyed and let out an exclamation of surprise himself.
The boy's wound now looked like a month old scar, than before their astonished eyes, it glowed a soft blue before fading away into clear, unblemished skin.
Husband and wife looked at each other, then back at the boy.
Finally, the older man found his voice. "Son, my name is Ku Roji," he said to Ranma. "What's your name?" Although that healing ability was very interesting, this was not the time to discuss it. A boy was trying to commit suicide. Suicide!
Roji exchanged troubled frowns with his wife when the youth remained unresponsive, his blue eyes staring out unseeing. Roji reached out a gentle hand and shook the martial artist's shoulder lightly to get his attention. "Son? Son? Can you tell me your name?"
At the touch, it was as if the boy came back to himself. 'Huh? Wha-?"
"What's your name, son?" Ranma looked into a pair of concerned eyes.
Ranma licked dry lips. "Ranma Sao-" He stopped, shrugged and closed his eyes. "Ranma. Just Ranma."
"Well, 'Just Ranma'," the woman said, "are you alright? Do you still need a doctor?"
At the question, Ranma furrowed a brow as he used his internal senses to assess his body. Everything was fine, and his healing ki had kicked in automatically so even his recent stabbing wound was gone.
Dammit! It would have been all over by now if he hadn't been interrupted!
"No. I'm fine, I don't need a doctor," he replied truthfully. He searched about himself for his missing weapon. He still had unfinished business. Afterwards, he wouldn't need a doctor either.
"Looking for this, Ranma?" Roji held up the blood-flecked tanto in front of the young martial artist.
When Ranma moved to take it, Roji held it out of his reach. The expression on his face was grim. "Young man, what were you planning to do?"
"I was going to commit seppuku," Ranma explained patiently. "Could ya please give me my tanto back?" At the look of thunder clouds gathering on Roji's face, he added, "Um… please?"
"Why do you want to do that to yourself, son?" Roji was trying to understand. "Is it because of the pressures of school? A girl? What?"
"It is a matter of family honour."
The couple was taken aback by the boy's serious tone. Yes, the Japanese took honour very seriously – sometimes too seriously, but seppuku….! A teenager shouldn't be even contemplating death for honour by such a gruesome method, much less attempting it!
"Young man, I forbi-"
His wife laid a restraining hand on Roji's shoulder. She turned back to Ranma and smiled gently at him. "What my husband want to say, Ranma-san, is could you put it off for awhile longer and help us get home? I'm afraid that in our rush to get to you, we've might have strained out bodies too much. We're not as young as we used to be," she sighed regretfully.
Ranma gazed at the ground as he considered this, thus missing the woman quietening her husband with an elbow to his stomach. He supposed he could wait a little longer and make sure the old folks got home safely first before he resumed where he left off. "Uh, OK, I guess." He got up and dusted himself off. "Where do you guys live?"
And that was how Ranma Saotome met Ku Roji, a retired Family Court judge, and his wife, Meiko Roji, his former secretary.
When he was about to leave after escorting them home, Meiko Roji persuaded him to stay for some repast. Over a meal, the Rojis managed to coax more of the story out of the young martial artist until they better understood the situation. Sensibly, Ranma left out some of the more fantastic elements of his life story.
Even then, it left them reeling in rage and shock. That night, after managing to convince the emotionally exhausted martial artist to sleep over, they sent out feelers to ascertain some of Ranma's claims. With their connections, it was relatively easy to obtain some information.
Over the next three days they did this, finding different excuses for Ranma to stay each day, and slowly trying to divert the boy from his fatal path. From the police they got the file on one Genma Saotome. It was just one big long list of indiscretions and petty crime – why, the man was a one-man crime wave all by himself!
They managed to track down a Dr Ono Tofu who testified to what he knew, which included some of the wilder things that had happened to Ranma which the young man had yet to divulge.
Discrete questioning led to one Nabiki Tendo. They paid 20,000 yen for all the information she had on her family guest and future brother-in-law.
Eventually the Rojis were forced to the conclusion that Ranma was a victim of one of the worst cases of child abuse/neglect/emotional abuse/etc that they had ever seen!
And one of their biggest pet peeves was child abuse.
On the third night, Ku Roji made Ranma an offer of assistance.
"Ranma, please accept my help to get your life back in order and still retain honour. There is no need for seppuku," the retired Family Court judge said. "However, my aid will probably not involve conventional legal methods."
Ranma was intrigued. "What do you mean, Mr Roji?"
Roji let out a grunt. "I know that if I helped you through official legal channels, your father and the grandmaster of your school would be arrested on many charges. That would dishonour your clan, yourself included, unless you go ronin. However, going ronin has its own dishonour and problems. Then you'd probably want to redeem yourself and your family by committing seppuku, which just brings us back to square one. That simply won't do."
The pigtailed teenager cocked his head in puzzlement. "So how are ya going to help?"
"Oh, I have my ways." Roji's hooded smile was enigmatic.
And that was how Ranma discovered that Ku Roji was also the Grandmaster of the Hidden Martial Art School of Law and Logic. (8)
It was the start of a beautiful relationship.
-----End of Flashback-----
>
>
Ranma shook himself out of reverie and brought himself back to the present. He dialled a number without looking and waited patiently for it to connect.
"Hello?"
Ranma sat up. "Master Roji? It's me."
There was a sharp intake of breath. "How did it go, son?"
"It went…" Ranma couldn't resist a dramatic pause, "well!" He was once again grinning from ear to ear.
Delighted guffaws came from the other end of the phone. "Way to go, Ranma! I knew you could do it!"
"Thanks to you, Master," Ranma said. "I couldn't have done it without you. I owe you big time."
"You're very welcome, son," Master Roji replied. His voice was affectionate and warm. "So, still coming up for another 'training trip' here next weekend?"
"You bet!" Ranma said. "I can't wait to tell you all about it – but as you know, it isn't exactly safe for me to do it here."
"Ahhh." The pigtailed youth could imagine his sensei nodding his head in wise understanding. "Now Ranma, while congratulations are in order, a word of caution. This is just the beginning. You have won a big battle, but not the war. There's still a long way to go, so don't let your guard down."
"I won't, sir," Ranma promised. For one, he knew that his parents wouldn't stop trying to get out of this latest honour pact, and that they would try to ignore it if they couldn't. He foresaw lots of reinforcements in the future. Ohhh, it was going to be so much fun! Ranma couldn't wait.
"Very good. Now, was there any difficulty in implementing OPC?"
That was their code for 'Operation: Parental Control'.
"Nothing I couldn't get around, Master Roji."
"Hmmm…" He paused. "So your audacious plan to trap your parents actually worked without a hitch?"
"Yep." Ranma stretched like a satisfied cat. He had to thank Mistress Roji for helping him organise that. Who knew she was a Master of Martial Art Filing?
Silence.
Then there was a clunk, the thuds of footsteps, the bang of a door slamming shut, and then muffled hysterical laughter in the background.
Ranma waited a little longer, wondering what to do. Just as he was about to hang up and try again later (9), the phone was picked up on the other end, and his mentor was once more back on the line.
"Thanks, Ranma-kun. That's the best laugh I've had in years." Master Roji still sounded winded. "My goodness, the intelligence of some people has to be seen to be believed!"
"Tell me about it," Ranma agreed, thinking about his parents, Ryoga, Mousse, the Kunos, the fiancées - the list just went on!
"Thank god, you don't take after them in that department."
"Oh, I do, everyday."
"OK, well, we better stop before someone walks in on you. I'll see you later this week, son. Remember: he who laughs last…"
"…laughs best," Ranma finished with a grin. "I'll see you soon. Goodbye, sir." Ranma ended the call and returned the phone into subspace. There was a wistful look on his face as he stared off into the distance. "I wish I was your son," he whispered to no one in particular.
He laid back down, cradling his head in his arms and mentally tallied the score. He was pleasantly surprised.
"Wow," he said with dawning wonder. "What do you know? I just KO'd Pops, Mom and Nabiki without throwing a punch!"
Author's notes: I thought this place would be a nice place to stop. I just never figured it would be quite so long! I was going to put the flashbacks in another chapter, but thought it made more sense this way. What do you think?
Btw, anyone know how to keep the spaces between sections? I had to resort to using brackets to do it!
So now that Ranma have his parents under control, what does he have in store for everyone else?
Oh, I have plans for all the others…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAA!
(1) daki-kubi – the actual cut made by the kaishaku which beheads. As this move requires precision, the second is usually a skilled swordsman.
(2) kaishaku – second in a seppuku ritual who would deliver the final beheading stroke. Usually a good friend.
(3) Which was just as well, as if she had heard Ranma's comment about his family, she may have had second thoughts about her youngest sister marrying into such a family.
(4) Technically, Ranma was telling the truth, if one took what he said literally. It was just that his well known poor grammar contributed to the others' misunderstanding of his exact meaning in this instance.
When he said "Geez! Look, I didn't make 'em do nothing", he was really saying "Geez! Look, I did make them do something."
Wow. Such is the power of language!;)
(5) Catch-22 is a 'no win situation'.
(6) The thought that Ranma could just rip up the old forms and fill in another one had obviously not occurred to the idiot at all.
(7) Yeah, by spending it!
(8) Did anyone catch the pun in his name? That's right! If the surname had been placed first, it would read 'Rojiku' or Logic. Unfortunately, as I started the fic with the names the other way around, I couldn't change it now.
(9) Hey! Air times on cellphones are expensive!