Blur
She'd started to feel a bit antsy after she'd left the White House yesterday afternoon, and, knowing what was coming before it came, she wished it were to have happened last night in the comfort of her own home, but it hadn't so when she'd woken to her alarm clock blaring, still lightheaded and on edge, she'd pushed it down so she could at least get through her day.
…But the person standing in front of her was beginning to blur and it was only half-past nine.
She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to relieve some of the pressure. Usually, by now one of them would notice that something was wrong, but it was only half-past nine and the staff was already putting money on being in the midst of another Cold War by noon…Their plates were just as full as hers.
When she felt that familiar twinge in her chest, she pressed the pendant of her necklace between her pointer finger and thumb.
Avdonin and Chen had finally teamed up against her, mirroring China and Russia's agreement to coordinate diplomatic and economic moves and build up their alliance against the United States. But, while the world continued to speculate about the New Cold War with China, she had her hands tied up in managing Russian military escalation towards Ukraine.
God, everything was blurry.
Henry had broken the washer by loading it up with too many bath towels, Jason continued to hound her for help on a school project, and Russell had thrown too much into her lap and then had the nerve to point the finger her way when it hadn't all gotten sorted out.
Everything was blurry, but God damn it, it wasn't her fault that Russian foreign policy had finally crossed the bridge into revisionism!
Russell had pushed it all onto her…
"You're the peacemaker, make peace!"
But her eyes couldn't even focus on the teacup two feet in front of her face.
Status was everything in the international world and Russia hadn't been happy with theirs since the collapse of the Soviet Union. And now, after watching Ostrov march thousands of troops to Ukraine's borders, she was sure they were adopting the revisionist strategy. They were attempting to change the distribution of territory… They'd seen it before with the annexation of Crimea.
…Every idea, every avenue they had explored, had reached a dead end.
The tips of her fingers began to tingle, and she'd had enough.
"I'm going to continue backchanneling with…"
She rolled her chair away from her desk and stood abruptly, knocking over a file in the process.
Nadine cut off mid-sentence, and she wanted to apologize, wanted to tell her that this was supposed to happen last night in the comfort of her own home, but it hadn't so when she'd woken to her alarm clock blaring, still lightheaded and on edge, she'd pushed it down so she could at least get through her day.
Nothing felt right.
The laundry was beginning to pile up, Jason's report would go uncompleted (God, was it due today?!), and the world was going to implode right in her own lap.
Her chest heaved as she pressed her palms into the top of her desk. She let her head fall as she leaned her weight into her hands.
"Let's take a moment."
She couldn't tell which one of them had spoken, the words were muffled through the ringing in her ears, but a hand was suddenly on her back and when she blinked away the haze, a pair of black kitten heels came into focus.
"I'll get some juice," Blake said.
Blake, ever the hero.
"Talk through it," Nadine urged.
"I— I can't." She straightened and began to pull at the neckline of her blouse, fanning the fabric of her top in and out to get some air.
"You're working yourself up even more. Let it out."
She didn't want to let it out. She wanted to move on!
"I'm at the office."
She didn't want to fall apart here.
Nadine set her planner on the corner of her desk before she moved slowly and closed the door that was left open by Blake before crossing the room back to her.
"It's okay," she said as she gently grabbed her biceps. "We're alone."
"I…" Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip as her head dropped to the woman's shoulder. It was a bit awkward with her height, but when one of Nadine's hands pressed between her shoulder blades, pulling her into a hug, she began to cry.
"It's okay," Nadine said again, but it wasn't.
Her office was a blur, her ears were ringing, and she was crying in her Chief of Staff's arms.
"What am I doing?" Elizabeth muttered through the tears.
Maybe it was the cold weather and the gray skies. She hadn't seen the sun in ages, and she was definitely supposed to be taking an extra Vitamin D supplement. Everything was blah. Her days felt dreadful, and her nights were full of fitful sleep. And then of course the laundry was already piled up, Jason's report wasn't completed (God, it was due today!), and the world was going to implode right in her very own lap.
"You're the peacemaker, make peace!"
She wanted to run.
"Do you want me to call your husband?"
She sucked in a breath. "No."
Henry was in class. Henry had his own worries— his own broken washing machines and revisionist countries to manage.
"I don't want to bother him," she breathed as she pulled away from Nadine and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.
"I'm sure he wouldn't be bothered."
She was sure too, but it would bother her knowing that he stepped out into the hall, giving his students a five-minute break, so she could do what exactly? Cry over the telephone?
Certainly, she could get through the rest of the afternoon.
But… But her breath caught in her throat at the thought of Alison not having her school uniform, of Jason failing his class because he hadn't turned in this one report, and of herself, the woman having a panic attack at half-past nine in her office, making peace with the country that's pushing for multipolarity.
She sunk down into her chair.
"Madam Secretary?"
She looked from Nadine to the hand Blake had outstretched… They were two of the many people who constantly dropped everything to cater to her needs.
Her vision blurred as the guilt ate away at her.
~MS~
Henry was waiting for her at the door, and that could only mean one of two things. She prayed that she wouldn't have to play the peacemaker at home tonight too.
"Are the kids arguing?"
He enveloped her in a hug once her coat had been tossed in the direction of the rack in the corner.
"No," he mumbled before their lips met in a chaste kiss. "How was your day?" He asked after she had stepped out of his arms.
She squinted her eyes at him as she threw her shoes onto the floor of the hall closet. "Did Blake call?" She turned up her nose. "Or was it Nadine," she asked as she closed the closet door.
"Both of them actually. Well, Nadine texted, but Blake called me once you left the office." Henry shoved his hands into his pant pockets. "You could have called me you know."
She stared into his eyes, and they were nothing but sincere.
"I know," she said.
"As long as you know that."
"I do," she assured.
He arched a brow. "Do you?"
Did she?
She nodded slowly. "I know, Henry. I…" Her mouth opened and closed as the arm she was using to express herself fell to her side. "I just didn't want it to be this big thing," she admitted.
"If that's all."
That would be all, at least for tonight.
"Come lay with me?" She asked before she headed for the staircase.
"Always."
She started up the steps, but she stopped halfway to the landing.
"Play with my hair?"
He chuckled. "Only if you talk to me about what's bothering you while I do." His fingers pushed into the small of her back, urging her along.
His touch made her lips twitch with a smile. "Deal," she said.