Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. They just vacation inside my brain.
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I want to die. I don't care what side's waiting for me, or if there's nothing there after all. Anything is better than being here.
I can already picture your sneers of disgust. The pitying headshakes and mewling words of sympathy for the fallen, blind sinner. Maybe there are even a few outbursts of anger and dismay. But those are your reactions—and you're not me, so I don't care. I'm sick of waiting to be remembered.
My brother is an obsessive fool. That's my lot in life, to be genetically linked with Dib the paranormal investigator, the insane son of the great Professor Membrane. My irritant, and my best friend. The only one who's ever been in my corner about anything.
But he's got his own life now. Without me. I don't think he ever needed me to being with. When he says I'm not expendable, something inside me wants to laugh in his face until tears start falling, punch him for being that stupid, hug him goodbye, and then prove him wrong. I know I could. The only thing stopping me is the hope that if I just wait five more minutes, he'll turn my way again.
I'm the most self-centered brat ever to walk this earth. It's sad, but there's nothing I can do about it. I still need him. Before I had no clue how to live with his obsessions about ghosts and aliens and stars; now I can't seem to stand without knowing he'll be there. The last thing I want to do is hurt him…but I hurt just be being here, stuck between life and death so that I can't enjoy either.
I want to die so I can feel like I'm living again. For me. And not him, because that's selfish. I can't close him off like before, too much of me has been given away—I don't think I want it back anyway. I don't know. I feel more than expendable… I'm not needed! Dib would go on fine without me. He doesn't need me like I need him.
Close me off, shut me down, do anything to stop this blade twisting inside my gut. I can't stay, I can't go. I can't be myself. I'm in the way. Things would be much less complicated if I were not here. It's not fair to Dib to have to choose between me and everything else he loves. So I could just go away. And I know he'd be fine. Yeah… he doesn't have to choose. I can do what needs doing for us both to be happier. Time to stop wavering and do something. Right or wrong, at least it's something…
I love you, Dib. I always have.
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Author's Notes: This is old. Very old. And short. It's only by encouragement from a fellow writer that it's up here at all. There will be new stuff coming though, I promise.
Reposted to correct a spelling error. Even something as short as this isn't always fool-proof. My apologies to those who had already submitted reviews.