Chapter Thirteen
An Answer Without a Question

The final bell for the day gonged, startling Sakura out of her wandering thoughts.

"Well, see you tomorrow everyone," Tomoyo said, smiling. "Don't work too hard, Sakura-chan."

"I won't," Sakura said, grinning.

"Don't you work too hard either, Reed-kun," Eriol said kindly. "Try not to let Mizuki-sensei grate on your nerves too badly."

"Hoe?" Sakura mumbled, turning around to face Syaoran. He was glaring madly in Eriol's direction as if he had just divulged a major secret.

"Ah, you didn't know, Sakura-san?" Eriol said. "Reed-kun is starting extra math lessons with Mizuki-sensei today."

"Really?" Sakura asked Syaoran. He was still shooting daggers at Eriol, but his expression suddenly softened a little.

"Yeah," he said just a bit above an audible level.

"But that's great!" Sakura said, standing up and leaning on Syaoran's desk. He stared up at her like a deer in headlights.

Maybe... Sakura thought, sitting back down and waving goodbye to Tomoyo and Eriol as they left. Now it was just her and Syaoran. Maybe now I can get to know him better.

Syaoran's enigmatic character had become something like an obsession. Why was he so secretive? What was it about him that shunned others, even though he seemed like a perfectly nice guy? Who is the real Syaoran? How come he never smiled…? For some reason, the questions about Syaoran nagged at her She couldn't explain it, but she needed to learn more about him.

Everything about him.

"Hello you two," Mizuki-sensei said dully, entering the room rather unceremoniously and carrying a small covered tray. To Sakura, she seemed a bit depressed, even though she was smiling. She entered the room reluctantly and her smile seemed to wane slightly every so often. It was as if she was trying to cheerful, even though something was obviously weighing on her mind.

"I'm sure you've realized by now," Mizuki-sensei said, gesturing to Syaoran and smiling warmly. "But Reed-san will be joining us from this point forward."

She paused for a long moment before lifting the tray she was carrying, as if pondering something grave. "I know your lunch breaks have been getting cut short lately, Sakura-san, so I bought some snacks to help tide you over until dinner."

She brought the tray over and let Sakura pick a few pastries. They were obviously store-bought.

"Thank you sensei!" Sakura said as she took several of the biggest pieces. She was starving. It was just like Mizuki-sensei to know exactly what she needed.

Mizuki-sensei held out the tray to Syaoran, but he simply shook his head.

"I'm not hungry," he recited it like a broken record.

Sakura wrinkled her brow. Come to think of it, Syaoran always turned down food. Why?

Why, why, why?

"Let's get started, shall we?" Mizuki-sensei said, flipping open her notebook. "We'll begin with page 75 in your workbooks."

Maybe, just maybe her questions would get answers...

Someday.

Syaoran sat in the tree in the park, watching the sun near the horizon. The shadow of the moon was already hanging low in the sky amid a few lonely snowflakes. The next night the moon would be completely full and Syaoran's stay would be officially half over. Just a bit longer and Sakura would be out of danger. He had saved her several times and had now infiltrated the one place where Chaos and Sakura were alone together. He felt good about the way things were going.

The proof that he was doing his job well was on Mizuki-sensei's face when she came into the classroom. She seemed depressed, as if something was really getting her down. Syaoran reasoned that it must've been because he stopped the incident with the hammer and got inside the private tutoring session. The fact that he was indeed screwing up Chaos' grand scheme was very satisfying.

He prepared himself for the transition as the sun began to set. Balancing on something like a tree branch while in a spiritual form took special effort, but it was one of the things Syaoran was very good at. All the time he spent in trees in his old house paid off in these types of situations.

As the sun dipped behind the horizon, Syaoran felt the usual release of his spirit, followed by a strange and unexpected slipping sensation. Despite his best efforts, he was falling through the branch. His spirit suddenly hardened again, shifting his center of gravity and causing him to go crashing toward the ground. But his right leg was still lodged inside the branch at his ankle, so he ended up hanging by his leg beneath the tree.

"What the...?" Syaoran mumbled, struggling to pull his leg from the tree. But it was as if his leg and the tree had merged near his ankle. "This is ridiculous..."

For some reason his soul had suddenly paused during the transition phase and then reverted half-way back to his physical form, thus causing his leg to merge with the tree. Now he was dangling upside down by his ankle. He went limp with frustration. Just when things were looking up...

Giggling erupted somewhere in front of him. He found Ruby Moon standing a few feet away. From Syaoran's view she was upside down.

"Oh you poor thing," she said, overcome with giggles. "Does it hurt?"

"No," Syaoran grumbled. Of course Ruby Moon was there to see him in such an embarrassing predicament.

It was then he noticed that Ruby Moon's figure was indistinct and transparent, as if Syaoran was seeing an apparition. Through her giggles, Syaoran could see she had a sort of I-know-something-you-don't look on her face.

"Do you know why this is happening?" Syaoran asked grudgingly. She was the last person of earth that he wanted advice from. But he needed to know, not just about why his spirit was hardening half-way through a transition, but also about the strange sensation he'd felt earlier that day. He had a sinking feeling that the two were connected somehow.

Ruby Moon nodded. "Yes, I know."

"Well, could you let me know about it?" he asked, crossing his arms. He tried to look as dignified and intimidating as he could while dangling upside-down like a rabbit in a spring trap.

"Clow didn't tell you about the moon?" Ruby Moon asked as if everyone in the world knew what she did about the moon.

Syaoran paused, finding something she said confusing. "You know Clow?"

"Of course," Ruby Moon said, shrugging. "Who doesn't?"

Syaoran shook his head. This conversation was not about Clow.

"What about the moon?" Syaoran continued his interrogation.

"It's getting pretty full, isn't it?" Ruby Moon said, turning around and looking at the shadow rising into the sky.

"Yes..." Syaoran said ploddingly.

"Too bad it's gotta wane someday, huh?" she said casually.

Syaoran seethed. "You're not making any sense!"

Ruby Moon whirled back around, ginning playfully. "Oh, come on. Yue told me you were good at this."

"You know Yue too?" Syaoran asked, a bit shocked.

"Of course I do," Ruby Moon said. "We've known each other forever. I guess you could call us something like... family. We only tolerate each other only because we're related."

"What?" Syaoran hissed. "You're related?"

"Yes, that sounds about right," Ruby Moon said, putting a finger to her chin and staring into thin air thoughtfully. "You know me as Chaos, right? Well, if I'm Chaos, then he's Order."

Ruby Moon suddenly disappeared as if she'd been wiped off the landscape. At the same time, Syaoran felt his spirit loosen slightly and he fell to the ground. He lay there for a few moments on his back, completely solid and somewhat stunned.

Yue knew Ruby Moon? Why didn't he say something? If it was true, Yue could've helped him; could've told him something. But instead, he acted like Syaoran had to deal with everything completely on his own.

Grumbling, Syaoran quickly got up from the ground. Actually, who was to say Chaos told the truth? Maybe she knew Yue, but how could he be certain that they were as "close" as Ruby Moon said they were?

Syaoran nodded to himself. You can't trust Chaos.

Too bad he couldn't get any information about the what was wrong with him. Sighing through his aura, he climbed back into the tree.

He felt like Ruby Moon had told him everything...

Except what he needed to know.

The transition didn't go right during the sunrise either. His body kind of flickered between spirit and solid like an old halogen light bulb before choosing solid and sticking to it. Syaoran watched the sun rise, feeling almost defeated.

"What is wrong with me?" he asked, staring at his hands.

As soon as he appeared over the horizon, Sakura knew something wasn't right with Syaoran. Despite the fact that his skin had darkened to a healthy tan and his eyes seemed more lively and focused, he still looked distracted and troubled. Well, as distracted as he could possibly look while staring straight at her.

"Good morning Reed-kun," Sakura said, doing her par to be cheerful for him. "Is everything okay?"

It took him several moments to answer. "Yeah. I'm fine. How are you?"

The pleasantry took her a little by surprise. Syaoran wasn't the type to ask something as arbitrary as 'how are you?'

Truth be told she was exhausted. Extra homework from Mizuki-sensei and dinner duty kept her from getting to bed on time.

Not to mention how the nightmares of the maze woke her at least twice a night now.

But she couldn't mention something like that.

"I'm good," she said, smiling.

"Good," Syaoran said, nodding. He started toward the school.

The school day passed uneventfully. Syaoran came to her cheerleading practice again, but nothing fell out of the sky toward her this time. But still, his presence was... comforting.

There were a few times though that, as she watched him, Syaoran would shake visibly as if he had gotten a chill. Every time it happened, he would glare stonily at the ground.

Why doesn't he wear a jacket? Sakura asked herself. He must be freezing.

She made a mental note to pick up some yarn on the way home.

Green yarn, maybe.

Syaoran watched the sun begin to set with apprehension. He stared at his hands in the waning daylight, hoping that the light would fragment off his body as it gave way to his spiritual form, but it never happened. He sat heavily on the bench beside the penguin slide and put his head in his hands. Without the six minute excursion to the spirit world, he felt cut off and alone. How would he contact Yue if he was trapped in this solid body all the time? How would he keep up with Chaos in this permanent form? She was probably right there... laughing at him.

The sun had completely set and Syaoran had remained solid the entire time. The stars popped into the sky one by one as if someone was poking holes into the darkening sky with a blunt needle. The light of the full moon was almost as bright as the sun itself and blocked all the light from the stars around it. The air took on a blueish hue and Syaoran could almost feel the moon's weightless light fill his being.

It was almost the same feeling as when he would step into the light of the full moon in his spiritual body. It would fill him and make him stronger.

"The full moon seems to slow the process of deconstruction..."

The random chatter of thought in Syaoran's head suddenly came to a grinding halt on the fragment of Clow's voice. Syaoran looked up at the full moon with a sense of epiphany. Somehow the full moon strengthened his bond to the physical plane. So that's what Chaos meant...

As long as this was a normal part of the process, there really wasn't anything to worry about. Besides, whatever happened to him didn't matter at all, as long as it didn't interfere with his ability to protect Sakura.

The chill that had plagued him all day came on without warning and this time it was particularly fierce. The horrible sensation forced Syaoran to wrap his arms instinctively around his body in an attempt to shield himself from the offending force. Everything suddenly became a source of prickling, stabbing, and fiery pain. His hands that were resting on the park bench seemed to be burning away. Every snowflake that fell on his exposed skin was like a lighted cinder.

Am I... actually feeling this? Syaoran thought frantically. It was his skin that hurt— his skin. There was feeling there when he hadn't ever felt anything before.

With a sudden gasping shudder, oxygen forced its way from his lungs and the air in front of him became a cloud of vapor. Through the chill, Syaoran still had the sense of mind to be totally and completely shocked.

Breathing, Syaoran thought vaguely, watching the cloud of vapor disperse and disappear. I'm breathing.

He drew in a sharp breath — the very first one he had ever known — as if someone else was operating his lungs. He didn't need to think about it, it simply happened on its own. Instinct had taken over. Syaoran tried to take a breath voluntarily, but he had forgotten to exhale first and ended up choking.

He was so in shock that he had almost been able to ignore the shuddering pain that continued to rack his body. Wave after wave crashed over his body in faster and faster succession until the feeling finally rested inside his being and didn't budge.

Cold, Syaoran thought distantly, as if his body was feeding his brain information. He let out another shuddering breath, watching the cloud of vapor explode with distant fascination.

I'm cold, Syaoran thought, a bit more coherently. He hugged his body closer to himself, knowing now that he was using instinct to try desperately to stay warm.

But it was much too little. The snow that was now falling heavily forced all the warmth from his body. He began to shudder with every breath he inhaled and his insides felt as if they had iced over like meat in a freezer.

Just like when the pressure had built up too much while Clow weaved his spell, Syaoran's world began to fade again as the cold overloaded his being. He desperately tried to hold onto consciousness, but his mind was slipping away like water in a clenched fist; giving in to the cold...

Cold.

Although he was covered in several layers of thick wool blankets, they couldn't keep the cold out. He let out a shuddering breath, and with it a whole new wave of chills exploded from his spine and seemed to ooze into his bones. He felt numb and weak.

After a few minutes, he could make out voices. He tried to focus in on them, but it was difficult since he seemed to waver in and out of consciousness.

"How is he, doctor?" a woman's tear-strained voice asked quietly.

Mom, the word popped into his head like a reflex.

"His fever seems to have receded a bit," a weary older male voice said. "That's always a good sign."

There was some bustle in the room while the doctor rummaged through his bag.

"He has the damned illness, whatever it is," the doctor said. "No doubt about it. It's been spreading rampant in this town. I get a new case every week.

"What can we do?" The woman asked. Her voice was weak and thick with sorrow, but she sounded determined.

"Not much," the doctor said sadly. "It's all up to him. All we can do is help treat his symptoms from the outside. But he needs to fight the battle inside."

There was a few moments of grave silence.

"It's the fever that causes the most damage," the doctor said, trying to sound reassuring. "But his fever's actually receded. It's a very good sign, Li-san. Let's not give up on him yet."

"Never," the woman said instantly. "If anyone can fight it off, my son can."

A warm hand slipped under his and the soothing heat radiated through him.

"Don't ever give up Xiao Lang," the woman's voice was close to his ear. "Keep fighting for me."

The warmth from her hand spread through his body and lulled him into a dreamless, restless sleep.

Time passed in an instant. He became conscious to two people speaking softly over his bed. However, these voices were different from the woman and the doctor's. They had an ethereal and unearthly quality to them, but he had little desire to listen to what they were saying. They chattered in the background like the ambient drone of crickets.

"This is him," a small voice with an Osaka accent was saying.

"He looks relatively healthy," a different voice said. It was cool, quiet, and almost apathetic.

"Exactly. That's why it needs to be him."

"This is a routine epidemic, Keroberos. Something I created to settle the balance a bit, not to start a war."

"Spinal's got something planned. I can feel it. Let's just make some precautions, wha'daya say? Better safe than sorry."

"Spinal always has something planned. It's Ruby Moon I'm worried about. She's getting restless. She watches what I'm doing and twitches with jealousy. It's only a matter of time before she explodes and goes on a wild rampage."

"Then let's get both of them at the same time. Clow says—"

"You've been discussing these matters with a human?"

"You'd change your tune if you met him. He knows as much as we do about the way things work. He's wanted because of how much he's learned, you know. I put him in hiding."

There was a pause.

"Don't look at me like that. I know what I'm doing. Now he owes me big so he'll help with this. As long as you carry out your end, everything'll go smoothly."

"How is it that I'm not reassured?"

"Oh, come on. It's only an experiment anyway. If this doesn't work we can always try something new."

"Not if Ruby Moon is planning what I think she is."

"All the more reason to go along with me."

There was another pause.

"Do you have a better idea?"

"No."

"Then help me out. For once."

"So you want me to order the termination of this life?"

"It has to be this one. This is your epidemic, Yue. Only you can authorize the termination. Then we just need to station someone here to make sure he doesn't move on."

"He would've survived. His termination will be completely on my head. I will take the post."

"Is that your way of saying you'll do it?"

"As long as I watch over him."

"That's fine with me, but why do you like to torture yourself? Watching over the ghost of a kid is going to be no small task. He's gonna have lots of questions."

"I don't see it as torture. It's atonement."

"It sounds like the same thing to me..."

Syaoran drifted off, only to awaken later to the chills pressing on his lungs until he couldn't breathe. Every muscle screamed with pain.

I'm cold. It hurts. I wish it would all just stop.

The cool presence from before reappeared, but it was much more directed towards him. It was hard not to focus on it.

"The pain can only control you for as long as you fight it," a voice said by his ear. It was soothing. "Stop struggling against it and the pain will cease."

Won't something terrible happen to me if I do that?

"You will leave the pain behind. Isn't that what you want?"

But I'm afraid. There's a reason why I shouldn't...

"Relax. Let go of the pain. Leave it all behind..."

His mind was clouding. The urgent reason why he should keep fighting left him. Why stay in pain if he didn't need to? Why not let go?

It was like releasing the reins of a thousand stampeding horses. The pain charged away, leaving him far behind. Only he felt more like he was leaving it...

In a flash, he saw many images nearly all at once; still-shots of things he only half recognized, but couldn't name. The last image was that of a woman with long black hair and Chinese features. She looked nice. And yet, for some reason, it hurt to see her.

Goodbye. He felt compelled to say it to that image as it slid away from him like water down a drain. And... I'm sorry.

But now he couldn't remember who he was saying that to. In fact, he didn't even know what he was doing in this blank place, nor could he remember anything before it. But he felt better as the blackness closed in on him and ceased his thoughts altogether...

"You shouldn't be sorry. I should be sorry. Forgive me someday, if you can."

———————————————————————————————————————————

He came into existence to a very strange scene. He was staring downward with his back against the ceiling. The whole world seemed like it was upside down, even though he wasn't really sure that the world hadn't been this way forever. Below him, a woman was sobbing over the pale body of a young boy with shaggy brown hair wrapped in several layers of wool blankets. The boy wasn't moving.

"Who is that?" he asked himself. His voice sounded strange. It had a depthless quality to it.

"That's Xiao Lang Li," a voice answered like one of his own thoughts. "He's dead now."

He turned to look at the new presence. It was a man dressed in all white. He was floating too, kept aloft with giant wings that flexed and flared. The man's expression was hard to read and his eyes were piercing and intimidating. And yet, he gave off an air of calm and tranquility that took the edge off the intense feeling of uneasiness.

"Do I know you?" he asked the winged man. He almost felt like he did. Or at least his voice sounded familiar, even though he was pretty sure he'd never heard any sort of voice before.

The man shook his head. "Not really, but I know you. And yet, we're meeting for the first time. You can call me Yue."

"Okay," he said. "Hello Yue. Nice to meet you."

"How do you feel, Syaoran?" Yue asked.

He looked at Yue with confusion. "Is that who I am?"

Yue shrugged. "Only if it seems like it."

He nodded. It was as good as anything. Besides, the name kind of felt right.

"Good. So answer my question, Syaoran," he said. "How do you feel?"

He took stock. He felt as if he shouldn't be floating near the ceiling, but couldn't remember a time when he wasn't. "Weird. Empty."

Yue nodded. "That empty feeling is a coping mechanism to help you make a clean transition. You don't realize it, but you've just been through quite an ordeal. This is your mind's way of dealing with the situation. You'll start to feel better with time."

Syaoran stared down at the woman crying over the dead boy. An older man carrying a medical bag came and patted her shoulder sympathetically.

"I'm so sorry Li-san," the older man said softly.

"I don't understand. He was doing so well," the woman sobbed. "What happened?"

"He was in pain," the man said. "Perhaps it was simply too much for him."

The woman shook her head. "That's not like my Xiao Lang. He wouldn't just give up. Something must have forced the life out of him. Something killed him."

"I know it's hard to accept, but this illness—" the older man started.

The woman shook her head again, this time more wildly. "No! It wasn't the illness. It was something else. He would never..."

"I feel bad for her," Syaoran said, watching the older man as he lead the woman out of the room. He wanted to follow her, but he wasn't sure how to move, or if he was able to move at all.

It was only in the silence of the empty room that Syaoran could hear the noise. It was a sound like a howling wind played backward. The sound stirred something in Syaoran, something dark and forbidding... Something almost like a panic.

"So you've noticed it," Yue said. He turned his gaze to a corner of the room. "It's over there."

Syaoran followed Yue's gaze. It was a massive black hole in the ground, a hole that was alive and breathing. The sight filled Syaoran with a sense of revulsion and the desperate urge to get as far away from it as possible.

"What is it?" Syaoran asked, phantom chills spreading through him. Something inside his being was quaking.

"That leads to the Void," Yue said apathetically. "The Void is total oblivion. You don't belong there, Syaoran. Don't go near it."

"No... I won't," Syaoran assured him. The very thought filled him with a terrible dread.

"It will follow you for a time," Yue said. "But it can only take you if you give in to it. After a while it will go away and take all your bad feelings with it. Then you can begin to be again."

"Begin to be...?" Syaoran asked. "I don't understand."

"You'll feel better..."

"...feeling any better? Ah. Still asleep I see..."

Syaoran struggled to open his eyes. They felt as if they were weighed down by something. He slowly realized, however, that he was just really tired.

As soon as he wasn't so tired, he would start wondering how the hell it was possible for someone like him to be tired in the first place.

Eventually he won the struggle and got the fist glimpse of his surroundings. He was laying on a thin mattress in the middle of a traditional Japanese-style room, complete with the rice paper sliding door. Slowly realizing that he was in a completely unfamiliar place, Syaoran bolted upright.

"Wha...?" was all he could get out.

Panic had welled up inside him, making his heart race and heat rise to his face. The feeling in itself caused another rush of adrenaline to flood his veins. Of course, the fact that he suddenly had veins for adrenaline to rush into just scared him even more.

Okay, calm down, he said to himself.

He was halfway through taking a deep breath before he even realized it. The extra oxygen did help him steady his mind, though. Despite everything that was happening, he began to get a grip.

First, find out where you are, Syaoran nodded at his thought as if he were reassuring himself.

There was a window to his right. Steadily, Syaoran got up and walked to the window. It wasn't much different from all the times he had gotten up and walked before, only this time he could feel the blanket's fabric in his hands and the soft carpet under his bare feet. He did his best to ignore it.

The apartment room turned out to be several stories above the ground. The familiar landscape of the park stretched below with the Penguin Slide easily visible in the distance. He could even make out his tree.

Behind him, the screen slid open. Syaoran whirled around to see an old man step into the room carrying a tray of tea and steaming soup. His shiny black hair and bushy mustache seemed out of place against his wrinkled skin, but his eyes were kind. He smiled warmly in Syaoran's direction when their eyes met.

"I thought you were going to sleep forever," the old man said, setting the tray on the coffee table in front of the TV. "You began to worry me a bit."

Syaoran watched as the old man lifted the bowls from the tray and set them on the coffee table.

"I'm sure you're hungry," he said. "Have a seat."

"No thanks," Syaoran said, starting on the usual excuse he used whenever he was offered food. "I'm not hun—"

Guuuuu...

An audible sound came from his abdomen. It felt like his insides had shifted and a great empty hole now stood gaping.

The old man didn't laugh, but his mustached smile grew a bit wider. "Your stomach seems to be protesting. Please eat something. It's not good to go without food."

"My stomach...?" Syaoran said softly, putting a hand on his abdomen. It rumbled again, sending uncomfortable vibrations through his body.

Not knowing what else to do, he sat down at the table and the old man set a bowl of soup in front of him.

Syaoran stared at it for a moment, not exactly sure what to do. He knew how to eat, of course (he'd been witness to hundreds of Kinomoto family meals), but he was hesitant. It seemed... unhealthy to him.

The man watched Syaoran expectantly. He felt like he had little choice. Besides, it definitely couldn't kill him... Right?

As hesitantly as possible without looking too strange, Syaoran lifted the spoon to his mouth and tipped the liquid inside. As soon as it hit the back of his throat, a reflex forced his throat to contract and he swallowed with no effort on his part. Everything was taken care of by instinct.

A warm sensation dispersed inside of him as he downed the soup. It was comforting, pleasant, and seemed to fill the hole in his stomach nicely.

Syaoran waited a few moments for something to go horribly wrong. When nothing did, he had another spoonful.

"Feel better?" the old man asked.

Syaoran opened his mouth to talk, but found it impossible while there was food inside. Instead, he simply nodded.

"I knew you would," the old man said, grabbing a bowl of soup for himself. "After what happened last night."

Syaoran raised an eyebrow. "What happened last night?"

The old man chuckled. "I found you laying unconscious on a snow-covered bench, of course."

"Oh, right," Syaoran said.

"When I couldn't wake you, I brought you here. I didn't want you to freeze to death," he said.

"Thank you," Syaoran said.

"Why were you out in the cold like that?" the old man said, a concerned look on his face. "Isn't your family going to be worried about you?"

Syaoran shook his head and looked down at the table. Why did he almost feel ashamed?

"Ah," the old man said, leaning back a bit. "I see."

A short silence stole the mood from the room.

"You obviously go to school, though," the man said, eying his uniform.

Syaoran's eyes widened. "School!" He searched desperately for a clock and found one on top of the TV.

"Is this right!" Syaoran practically yelled.

The old man nodded. "Are you late?"

"I have to go!" Syaoran said, almost knocking the coffee table over as he jumped to his feet. "School starts in less than ten minutes! I'll never make it..."

He slid the screen open frantically. He turned around and bowed briefly to the old man. "Thank you for everything."

"Of course," the old man said. "I couldn't just leave you out there. Be careful going to school. Don't rush."

"Yeah," Syaoran said, frantically opening the door.

"The weather report says it will be just as cold tonight," the old man said, calling after Syaoran down the hall. "Make sure to have somewhere warm to stay."

"Right," Syaoran said, feeling a little panicked, but he squelched the feeling quickly.

I'll worry about that when the time comes.