based on the secret santa prompt about harvey having a ring since the other time and a proposal inspired by mac from the newsroom, but I ended up working around the ring part only since I decided to just see where this goes after failing to secure the prompt.
—
invisible (st)ring
—
He's had it since 12 years ago, carefully hidden in one of the storage boxes that hasn't seen the light of day far longer than Harvey can recall.
Paper bag, small black box, ring.
The most well-thought of purchase he's made in history, one that will potentially change the way Donna sees him as an awful gift giver, has been sitting in the confines of his storage room with no definite purpose nor timeline. All he knows for sure is that, 12 years in, throwing it away or returning it to the store never felt right. And finding a new owner was not in the equation.
It's been 12 years since Harvey decided to accompany his brother in buying an engagement ring for Katie and found the beautiful piece of jewelry. He has no idea just how long he was looking at it, probably longer than the appropriate time to linger from outside a store and stare at one of the displays. Marcus noticed it, too, and agreed it looked perfect except it wasn't the type of ring his own girlfriend would dream of.
Harvey doesn't buy it either. Not on that same day. The more sensible part of him sent out a clear reminder that he was absolutely not getting down on one knee to marry anyone so soon, and that he wasn't at the stage of his career yet where he could impulsively make such a huge purchase without risking his rent. He was an associate then at Pearson Hardman, still trying to find his footing at the firm and showing Jessica that he could be the valuable asset she believed him to be. All the while having Donna by his side both within the firm and in the comfort of his bed every night.
Harvey went home that day to his apartment with no ring in sight; welcomed by its possible owner with another batch of burnt dinner he was in charge of salvaging.
It was brief, but he and Donna did try.
He came to her apartment right after he quit the DA's office, they slept together, agreed he could stay a bit longer when morning came and at least until after breakfast, which only ended with Harvey realizing he didn't want it to be the first and last time he spends the night at her place.
—
"I don't want to lose you."
Donna stares at him expectantly, eyes wide and unmoving; he's not even sure she's breathing.
"Come work for me."
He catches the exact moment her face falls upon realizing his earlier words meant her being his secretary and nothing more. He takes it as his sign that maybe he isn't so foolish after all and his feelings— whatever the hell they were— weren't one sided.
Finding new courage, he takes a leap of faith and clarifies what he wants before Donna could think of a proper response or dwell too much on a pain he had no intention of inflicting on her.
"Without your rule."
That makes her look back up at him and this time he sees something new in those hazel eyes; he'd like to think it was the same kind of exhilarating hope he was feeling at that moment.
"I don't want to find out what kind of lawyer I'd be without you."
"Harvey, we don't need to be together to work again. We can just agree that last night-"
"But I also don't want to miss this chance of having something good with you outside of the office," he finishes, effectively cutting off her own words and whirlwind of thoughts.
"I think we can do it, Donna. Have both, I mean. I want us to have both."
She wants to believe him and to share the same faith he has for them, but Donna also knows his track record is neither fascinating nor trustworthy (not that hers is perfect, just more sensible than his, if you ask her). And even if she gets past his long list of flings, he also has unresolved issues in his personal life that should tell both of them he's not ready for more; probably won't be for a long time. And Donna can easily see herself asking for more with him.
But Harvey's here, sitting in front of her wearing his heart on his sleeve— something she's noticed he rarely does around people except her— and she can't deny the way he's looking at her like she's a deal he'd be willing to put both his mind and heart into just to close, any more than the fact that what they shared last night was a rare find. There is something here, and if he believes they can do it, then to hell with being the more rational one.
"Okay."
"Okay? We get both?"
"Yes. But with three conditions," she says, trying to tamper down a smile when his eyes widen a bit like he didn't actually consider she'd say yes.
"First, you're giving me a huge signing bonus." He produces an envelope from his jacket and hands it to her.
"How do you know this is enough?"
"Because you're the one who's gonna put the amount."
"Oh my god. You really do need me, to stop you from doing shit like this."
"Good thing I just gave you access to my whole life, then."
She huffs. "You're an idiot. Second, no funny business at the office. You're my boss and I'm your secretary, that's all everyone else is going to see."
"Fine by me. The third condition?"
Any trace of humor disappears from her face as she motions between the two of them.
"If this doesn't work, you can't stop me from finding a new job."
His jaw clenches, she almost thinks that is what would set him off and make him reconsider their entire conversation. Maybe her last condition made him realize that keeping her close to him at work trumps his desire for anything else.
But Harvey eventually reaches for her hand, telling her there's no need to worry about it on their first five minutes together, and she lets herself believe this new fantasy he's living.
Both blissfully unaware that if their conversation stirred in even just a slightly different direction, new boundaries would have been placed and they'll be refraining themselves from touching each other in any way, from here on out.
—
Of course, reality proves to be much more difficult.
They're happy. They click. The sex is unquestionable. Gone are the issues with their previous partners about not having enough time for the relationship because now it's them who are together, and they know each other's work schedule and their worlds revolve on each other whether they intend for it to happen or not. They spend more than enough time together both in and out of the office; the only times they don't are when Harvey has an off-site meeting or he's working late or when Donna's having girls night with Rachel. He even tried indulging her love for theater, in exchange for her joining him at a baseball game once.
It's supposed to be easy, and maybe on the outside it had been easy at first. But behind every sense of normalcy in their relationship, both of them were constantly aware that it was bound to end soon or later; Harvey in the way he felt more and more inadept to be her boyfriend as it went on, and that alone could've been fixed if he's willing, but the bigger problem was that he wasn't sure he's ready to work on becoming a better man for her, more than he wants to work on his career. And he knows she can't always be his second priority. Donna, on the other, knew it in the way she felt herself carrying more than just her own load as they— or she— try to reach new heights in the relationship.
It's easy, they've been making it work. But it wasn't heading any further than where they already were.
So it wasn't really much of a surprise when Harvey came home one day and found her bags near his front door. It didn't tear him apart when Donna told him she couldn't stay in a relationship that feels as stagnant as everything else in her life. He didn't move an inch nor try to grab her wrist and stop her from leaving when she kissed him goodbye on the cheek and pulled her suitcase out with her, leaving his apartment together with Harvey's every single vision of a life he thought he wanted for himself.
He supposed a part of him had seen it coming, probably even before he told her he wanted to try, back at the diner. So the regret didn't enter this system until a few weeks later when Harvey realized it's the hardest relationship he'd ever had to move forward from, and that he couldn't sleep in his own bed knowing she wasn't there with him anymore and still wouldn't be once he wakes up again.
Donna resigned from the firm and he knew that was bound to happen, too, but god damn was he really not ready to find out the kind of man he'd have to be without her.
It took a couple of months for both of them; a lot of morning meetings and piles of paperwork for Harvey while Donna kept herself busy trying to find a new balance between theater and her new firm, Skadden.
They never mentioned strawberries and whipped cream and frankly anything about their relationship again to anyone. Rachel and everyone else who knew were keen on keeping the two of them from having to cross paths especially during the first few months, and shied away from mentioning the other in every conversation unless one of them asked (which never occurred, but Donna reads articles about him when they come up on papers or online).
It was almost like it never even happened, but it did and they both continue to carry around what ifs, regrets, and memories of fleeting happiness and of feeling a love they are yet to feel again with anyone else.
The ring Harvey eventually bought, after paying the store two more visits just to see if the urge would die down, remains to be the only proof left that once upon a time, Harvey came close to having everything with someone.
The offending object, though, hadn't always cooperated in his mission to forget its existence and to keep it from prying eyes.
It used to occupy one of his sock drawers until Scottie, ever the organized person that she is who cleaned his penthouse more than any of his other past girlfriends (Donna excluded; they were already over when he bought this new penthouse) and Harvey himself did, almost found it during one of the many instances of his life when their relationship was pretty much on. To this day, he's still mortified by the idea of almost having to explain why he had it or more importantly who it was for and why it could never be for her.
And then there was another girlfriend who did find the ring in the storage room where Harvey moved it after the almost incident with Scottie. Harvey still owes Mike an apology for using him as an excuse to that woman; claiming Mike asked him to keep it before he proposes to Rachel.
Despite what the alluring diamond on its center may suggest, it wasn't even meant to be an engagement ring. Harvey didn't give it much thought when he stepped into the store, decided he should simply hide it for the time being, then he and Donna broke up before he could reach some sort of epiphany.
12 years later, Harvey still can't figure out for the life of him how he managed to get Donna a ring at that time, and yet be incapable of fighting enough to not lose her as his girlfriend.
—
"Maybe I should have followed my mother's suggestion about my hair-"
"Rach, stop. Your hair looks fine. You're perfect," Donna squeezes the bride-to-be's hand, eyes already filled with unshed tears as they appreciatively cast over Rachel's entire figure.
"You're really getting married."
"I am," Rachel replies with unmistakable joy in her voice that becomes softer when she notices the tension radiating off her friend tonight.
"He's going to be here, you know."
Donna's forehead creases and Rachel already knows she's going to downplay the situation even before the words come out.
"I know that. He's the best man, I'm your maid of honor, and we'll be walking down the aisle together," Donna states like the image of her being with Harvey in such proximity again doesn't shake her at all.
"Are you sure you'll be fine? I can arrange something else so you won't have to-"
"Rachel Elizabeth Zane, it's your wedding day. And your only concern should be what we're going to do if Mike faints as soon as he sees you out there."
When Rachel remains undeterred and just looks at her sternly, Donna tilts her head as if to make a point and places a hand on her waist. "It's been 12 years, Rach. I'm sure we can co-exist in the same room for our friends. We won't even need to talk or anything after the walk."
Hell they won't.
The co-exist part might've proven itself a little more than she expected it to.
Harvey's at Donna's side the second he spots her entering the venue, and once he's certain his presence isn't unwelcome, her ex-boss slash ex-boyfriend decides to stay glued to her side for the rest of the evening.
So far, they've only exchanged pleasantries, but aside from Harvey's slight hesitation to offer his arm during their walk earlier, the usual tension between two exes never comes for them.
The newlyweds have been keeping a close eye on their friends even as they move from one table to another, accommodating their guests. Mike has met Donna on several occasions and Harvey knows this, too. They simply don't talk about it much like everything else that concerns the most fragile chapter of Harvey's love life.
"You know they're still watching us, right?" Harvey points out once he returns to their table with a plate full of dessert they both like.
"I'm not sure Mike is trying to be subtle about it."
She takes a macaron from the plate and Harvey takes it as a small victory. He's not even sure what he wants for them tonight, just that he's already satisfied with being able to sit beside her like this instead of settling for awkward glances across the hall.
A couple more minutes in and Donna's telling him about being COO at Skadden. He tells her about a case he lost to her firm before, which his opposing counsel proudly gave credit to their "COO who could work her way through everything." Donna teases him saying she only got involved in the case when she found out it was a one-time opportunity to beat NYC's best closer.
He tells her more about Louis' recent antics and she shows him old pictures of their friend that were still saved in her phone. Their next victim is Mike who has been happily watching them from afar, unaware that his two friends are exchanging stories about his greatest moments.
It isn't even until Donna's doubling in laughter and Harvey's grabbing her by the arm to prevent her from falling from her chair that one of them finally calls it.
"Shouldn't this be awkward?"
It's Harvey who asks the very same question that's been mulling over the minds of everyone in the room who knows about their history; the huge grin on both their faces sending a clear message that it couldn't be farther from the truth.
She raises an eyebrow, too enthralled with his stories about the time Louis found out Mike was a fraud to dwell on his theory, although it is something that's also crossed her mind tonight.
"You prefer awkward over talking about Mike and Louis almost killing each other inside your car?"
Her reply only widens his grin. "Absolutely not. Have I mentioned that Louis volunteered to teach him how to drive on that same day?"
"I bet you enjoyed that show."
"Nah, I just left my car with them." She blinks at him in disbelief and he's once again thanking the world for keeping them on the right path this evening.
The huge gap between the day Donna left his apartment and this momentous reunion has given them more than enough time to formulate some predictions of how it might go. And tonight, there's this surprising but also familiar ease between them like they're still Harvey and Donna — needing not much effort to slip back into being old friends (or a couple) who are casually telling each other about their day.
If anyone were to ask Donna, she'd say it's probably because— even without having put it into words— they had a mutual understanding that the break up was inevitable for what they had back then. Donna wasn't set out to hurt him when she decided to leave, just like how Harvey not being ready wasn't about her. Going their separate ways was necessary to not further the damage they'd be causing each other.
So, yes, maybe they had to nurse some scars and regrets for quite some time, but there weren't traces of grudge nor resentment that followed them to this day. No deep-rooted words waiting to erupt from either one of them.
Their present conversation grows more serious when Harvey mentions he's been seeing a therapist and how it helped him make up with his mother. It's not something he advertises, but Donna's always been an exception to a lot of things, and this is simply another detail about his life that he wants to share with her.
"I'm happy for you, Harvey."
It's an understatement, really. She's proud of his choices and there's also a hint of gratitude for still letting her into the parts of him that's usually hidden from everyone else.
"Thanks." He smiles shyly at her, still in awe himself of the very recent development in his family. "She's actually flying to New York next week."
"That's nice. Did you make plans?"
"We did. Dinner at Carbone. You free this Thursday night?"
He doesn't think too much about the invitation until he sees the surprise on her face and how she scrambles to give him an answer, only then realizing that it may have been completely inappropriate given that this is their first interaction in 12 years.
"Sorry- it just came out… You don't really have to- I know it's been so long since we-"
"Harvey, it's fine," she says to stop his rambling and her hand is suddenly on top of his on the table.
He gets a chance to look at their hands for a second before Donna retracts hers and looks down.
"So…" she shuffles back until she's laid back on her seat, wearing a gentle smile on her face before it morphs into a smirk.
"How did Louis react when he found out you were sharing the same therapist?"
Harvey picks up on the shift back to safer grounds and her indirect decline to his offer, and he gladly follows through with another story about their friend until his slip up is long forgotten.
—
They're soon dragged by Mike and Rachel to the dance floor. It starts off with the four of them altogether, not only celebrating the wedding but also the first time in 12 years that they're all in the same space, until the music transitions to something slower and the younger couple naturally drifts away, leaving Harvey and Donna looking at each other sheepishly.
He holds out a hand to her and is practically beaming when she accepts his invitation. She tries not to focus on the discovery that she hasn't felt as much belongingness in anyone else as she does now in his arms, like no time has passed at all since they used to dance in firm events with no care for what others might think.
By the time they decide to head to the elevators, the reception is almost empty save for the caterers and two guests.
"This is me," she tells him once they're right outside the room Rachel got for her. He points at the adjacent room which turns out to be his but lingers on her side, unwilling to end their little reunion just yet.
She reads into it, of course, and figures there's no harm admitting she also wants a little more time.
"Night cap?"
Harvey nods. "I don't see why not."
One glass turns into three, though, and Donna ends up laid on her back, head resting at the edge of the bed, while Harvey sits on the floor with one arm loosely draped around her neck and the other holding his glass. All the booze in their system making them both less uptight and intensifying their need to stay physically close.
They blame it, too, for how their conversation drifted to their old relationship as the night ensued; the previously untouchable subject suddenly out in the open for them to freely revisit like it's something they've always discussed.
"You always forget something from the grocery even when I give you a list."
"Your heels were everywhere. I still don't know how those things never landed me in a hospital."
"You were the one who kept buying them for me. And your apartment was already messy before I moved in."
"You hog the sheets."
That silents her for a second, clearly never been called out on the fact that she moves an awful lot during sleep.
He tells her all about it; the many times Donna kicked him off the bed, how he would sneak into the couch once she was asleep then go back to bed just before she wakes up in the morning.
The mention of their sleeping arrangement reminded Donna of that one time they had a huge fight and she decided to stay at Rachel's, only to hear Harvey knocking around midnight, complaining she needed to go home and when she stubbornly raised an eyebrow and asked him why — he gave her an answer as simple as he couldn't sleep without her there.
"That's the night we made an agreement to always sleep in the same bed, no matter how bad the fight gets." She chuckles at the vague memory.
"Or in the same house, at least," Harvey corrects her with a shake of his head, making Donna snort, knowing he was talking about that one time she made him sleep on the couch for being a dick to her at the office (more than usual).
"You know, that was one of the few moments when I felt like we might actually be heading somewhere… somewhere down for the long road," she admits, for once letting her mind fill with visions of their younger selves, bickering like an old married couple and yet still cared too much to just swipe things under the rug and hope it would resolve on its own.
The hand resting around her neck comes up to swipe away the thin strands of hair on her face.
"For the record, I've seen a future with you, too." The way his eyes are intently set on her leave no room for doubt that the sentiment is sincere. "Just didn't know how I could get us there."
His expression becomes somber but she doesn't let him berate himself for the past, reaching up to caress his chin until he's mirroring the smile on her face again.
There's been a lightness between them throughout the night, even now that they're treading unfamiliar lines, and all she wants is to revel in the relief that not even a break up can shake that kind of comfort between them.
It's another half hour until he decides it's time to go, and they both know neither one of them wants that but he has to, because as fun and carefree they may have been in each other's presence tonight, they're not back to being the same couple who still prefers to spend every night in one bed despite all their reasons not to.
With Donna still laid on the mattress, he leaves a chaste kiss on her forehead and sees himself out, but not before asking for her new phone number. They dove back into their old dynamic all too quickly he didn't even stop for one second to ask if she was seeing someone, though he thinks it's safe to assume by now that there's no one else in the picture.
He steals one last glance at her beautiful face before closing the door.
"Good night, Donna. It was great seeing you again."
—
He becomes more certain that Donna's single and willing to at least be friends again when Harvey finds himself glancing at his phone a little too often in the days that followed. He's pretty sure they never texted this much all those years ago despite him being her boss and boyfriend.
"Man, I'm happy for your love life— in fact I even won 50 bucks for it— but I also don't want to lose my last case in this firm so please tell me you got what I need," Mike says entering his office. Harvey grabs one of the folders splayed out on his desk and hands it over.
"What do you mean it won you 50 bucks?"
"Rachel and I may or may not have placed bets for your reunion at our wedding," Mike answers with a grin that suggests anything but regret.
"And you won how exactly?"
"She didn't believe you guys would get along, I told her the opposite and that it won't take another 12 years or 12 days for you and Donna to see each other again."
"Who said we didn't hate each other after your wedding?"
"Really? Then why did your secretary just tell me that you have a meeting today at Skadden? Aren't you supposed to be avoiding that firm for like, I don't know, at least 200 feet?" Mike taunts him, well-aware of how conscious his friend had been in avoiding unexpected encounters with Donna.
"Not to mention I haven't seen you drop your phone in five days, do I need to schedule an appointment for the old man's eyes?"
"Do I need to fire you or are you leaving my firm now?" Harvey dismisses the pup, not caring to deny nor confirm anything. The texting has been harmless and doesn't set expectations for both his side and Donna's, but it is happening and it's fun and if it can become a foundation of something new for them, he's not planning to stop it.
His phone lights up again, indicating a new message and Mike takes it as his cue to leave.
"I'll be expecting daily updates!"
—
"Excuse me?" he says after knocking twice on the already open door, making Donna look up from her laptop and be welcomed by the view of Harvey standing at the threshold, holding up her favorite drink. "Pumpkin spice latte for a Donna Paulsen?"
He steps into her office and Donna is meeting him halfway before he could place the drink on her desk.
"I can't believe it. 12 years of working here, and the first time I see you visit is five days after our mini reunion."
He shrugs then slides his hands into his pockets. "Guess we really weren't supposed to meet again until now."
Donna squints her eyes at him in that way he's come to love and miss.
"You steered clear of my firm, didn't you?"
"That I did," Harvey admits and they both laugh, pleased to know whatever kind of good atmosphere they shared at their friends' wedding hasn't changed.
"I wasn't informed one of our lawyers was meeting you here today."
"I may have told Jack not to mention anything to you about our deposition."
"Huh. Harvey Specter giving me a surprise visit at work, now that's something I never thought I'd see," Donna replies with a small smile after taking a sip from her drink. He fights the urge to wipe the whipped cream around her lip with his thumb just before she licks it off.
"Is your deposition done?"
"Just ended 5 minutes ago, thought I'd look around before heading back to my own firm. See if I might bump into my former secretary who I heard is now overseeing an entire firm?" he points to her name written on the glass wall together with her title. He spent a good minute just proudly staring at it before he knocked.
"You being a huge pain in my ass provided good training for a job like this."
"Well… yeah." He loses the excuse on the tip of his tongue when she challenges him with a raise of an eyebrow. "And you always just had it in you."
She's stunned for a good second and it's his turn to look at her knowingly, "Come on, you're gonna tell me now Donna Paulsen hasn't always known that COO was made for her?"
"Oh, I did," she replies, not missing a beat and taking one step closer into his space. "Still nice to hear it though." from you.
They smile at each other then, wordlessly basking in how far she's come since they stopped working together, and in the unsurprising sense of fulfillment in sharing her success with him.
Harvey's the one to break the silence when he asks her out for a "harmless friendly lunch that normal people do sometimes when they're not busy."
She says yes and links her arm in his on their way out. He takes her to a newly opened Italian place around the corner, then walks with her back to the firm after lunch.
—
She sees him again after no more than 24 hours.
Folders containing the paperwork she needs him to sign and a handbag at her side that he recognized as the one they bought together after signing his first client at what was then Pearson Hardman, Donna saunters her way into Harvey's office, and he feels his heart swell at how nostalgic it is to see her here; despite Donna never being in this exact office.
"Look at that, an office big enough for your balls," she comments, taking her sweet time to refresh her memory with his vinyl and signed balls collection that have grown impressively since the last time she saw them.
She picks up the ball with Michael's signature, the only one she can freely touch without earning a glare from him. "Shouldn't this be in my office? Michael signed with me, not you."
"He's not the only client I'm going to lose if we'll do things your way, Donna," Harvey replies while pouring scotch into the two glasses in his decanter then offers one to her.
He gives her a look, almost seemingly offended, when her face turns sour after taking a sip.
"I don't drink as much of this now," she explains her reaction.
"We need to work on that again."
He props down on the couch after playing one of his records and she settles beside him.
The sun was almost down and they both have a rare uneventful night ahead, providing ample time to indulge themselves in what was once their normal night at the office: an expensive bottle of scotch, Gordon's music, and the two of them either talking about the most un-work-related things or just enjoying the peaceful ambiance.
Whether it's the liquid courage or his sudden curiosity, Harvey hears himself asking one of the questions that has haunted his mind over the years from time to time.
"You ever wonder what would've happened to us if we never tried?"
"Well, for starters… I would have arranged this office better," Donna scoffs, scanning her eyes disapprovingly across the room. He knows better than to argue with that; she did arrange his previous office (and also his old apartment as soon as she moved in).
"You'd still be using my corporate card to indulge yourself, as if I don't give you enough gifts."
"Those bags are not gifts. They're a necessity for what I had to put up with everyday at work," comes her smart-ass reply. He shakes his head but they both know he missed this part of them, Donna ribbing him included.
"I never did find another boss who let me buy my own gifts, though."
A playful smirk forms on his face, "Regret you left now?"
"No way. I like being COO more than saving you from yourself all the time."
His head turns to face her and she meets his gaze, frowning at the way he's just smiling at her like his mind has wandered somewhere she hasn't yet.
"What?"
"You know I would have supported you, right? If you were still here when you realized you wanted COO."
It was a throwaway comment, no underlying implications like wishing she was rather working in the same firm or that she should've just asked him for the promotion if that would have made her stay. He simply wanted her to know it, and she returns the smile because she already does.
They may have failed at maintaining a happy and fulfilling relationship but she never once doubted his support for her and that he had always treated her as his equal.
"I know that, Harvey," she says needlessly, just to assure him too. "But I'm still not going to resign and work with you again."
He shrugs. "Had to try."
"Oh, you've tried enough, alright," she replies with a raise of her brow, letting him know she hasn't missed how he's been subtly hinting at the job offer since the night of the wedding.
"Donna, you came all the way here when you could've just asked your secretary to send me the paperwork. Admit it — you missed this place."
"I did. We did a really great job avoiding each other, and now the world seems to be giving us endless opportunities to be in the same places again."
Harvey leans forward on his seat, clasping his hands together.
"Maybe that should tell us something," he says softly in a low voice while looking at her intently.
Maybe it's time they stop being on other ends.
Donna subconsciously bites her lip and one look on her face tells him she's trying to do her Donna thing on him. Whatever she saw must've conveyed the sincerity of his words, judging by the sudden glimmer in her hazel orbs when she replied,
"Maybe it does."
A minute or two passes where they're just silently staring at each other. Harvey's the first to break contact, swirling the contents of his tumbler, lost in his own thoughts that were stuck in the question he just asked her.
As much as he appreciates that they can somehow joke around their history now, he thinks it's time to also trust this ease between them to give him some much needed answers.
"Donna."
She hums in acknowledgment. "Do you regret it?"
"Regret what?"
"Leaving."
This time, she knows he's no longer talking about her resigning from the firm. This is about him — the most significant part of her that she left when she stepped out of his apartment that day.
And as much as she fears it might pain him, honesty has always been their only choice with each other.
"No," she says firmly, shaking her head. When he doesn't reply or waver his gaze, she continues, "I don't regret leaving, Harvey. I had to leave. But I don't regret being with you, either."
The last part makes him look away and relax back into the cushions, and curiosity gets the better of her.
"Do you?"
He chances a glance at her for a second before slowly nodding and averting his eyes again. "Sometimes, yeah."
She doesn't know how she's supposed to take his answer, so she remains silent and waits.
"Don't get me wrong— you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. But that's just another reason to make me believe that maybe I shouldn't have risked it at all, or that I should have waited a little longer before taking the plunge. Maybe I wouldn't have lost you if I did things differently."
His words bring her back to that day in the diner, when she presumed he wasn't willing to risk their working relationship for something else entirely. It stung, even as she considers it now, but not at all surprising and she doesn't think she can fault him for it.
Had they waited a little longer for the sake of protecting what they shared within the walls of the firm, she knows there's a possibility that she would grow reluctant to take her chances, too, regardless of how she felt for him that time.
She almost doesn't register what he says next. "You and me… it was something. I still think we can have it, Donna. With the right timing and all."
He's not big on timings. He once told Mike to create his own luck and always be in control whatever the situation. But the sheer beauty of what he used to have with Donna makes him want to hold onto it now.
He wants to believe they're meant to have everything and all it takes is for them to have faith again at the same time.
"Harvey-"
He's never cursed a phone call so much until now. He shuts his eyes in frustration as he reaches for his phone and reads the contact name.
Lily
"Sorry, it's my mom."
Donna shoots him a smile and tells him to answer it. He doesn't bother excusing himself or moving somewhere more private and if Donna's listening she's doing a terrible job hiding it.
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah, just almost forgot about dinner," he replies and she sees that the idea unnerves Harvey, much more than their conversation taking a serious turn just before Lily interrupted.
She of all people knows that this is a big step for Harvey, and she may have found the idea absurd six days ago but the amount of time they've been spending in each other's company recently, plus the late night phone calls that flowed as natural as though they never stopped, tell her that she can still trust him with everything that doesn't resemble putting her heart at risk, that they can be in the same room without throwing bashful glares nor petty innuendos like people with unfinished business tend to do. She trusts that this is something she can still help him with.
"Does your offer to join still stand?"
Any fear in her mind about imposing vanishes when his face brightens.
He asks if she's sure and she responds by standing up from the couch and holding out her hand to him, leading them out of the office with her anchoring him as she always did.
Harvey insists that she let her driver go and he'll drop her off after dinner. She doesn't protest and is even more grateful for his suggestion when she enters his car and is greeted by Ray. The two of them fall into an easy conversation while Harvey just listens to them, storing every new piece of information Donna shares with his driver into his memory as well.
The way they've been able to smoothly reacquaint themselves with each other proves their intricate connection was never broken despite the break up, but there's still an existing gap between him and Donna that's worth over a decade of changes and new memories, and Harvey's seeking to fill in that gap at every chance he gets.
He opens the door for her once they arrive at Carbone and he has to tamper down the instinctive urge to place his hand at the small of her back like he used to.
Settling on their table, he takes the short window of time they have before Lily arrives to give Donna some last warnings.
"My mom knows about you," he says ever so casually and her eyes widen just as he expected, because why on earth would he have told his mother— someone he's only reconciled with very recently— about an ex-girlfriend whom he hasn't seen in 12 years?
But then she considers the rest of his family. She's met his father once while they were still at the DA's office and again when they moved to Pearson Hardman, and it's no secret that the man was a big fan of hers. She's never met Marcus in person but they've talked more than enough times over the phone for Donna to make a good impression on the younger Specter, as well.
"I'm assuming that's because of either Gordon or Marcus?"
"Well- yes, they both have mentioned you before," he replies with a slight tilt of his head, the connection she's drawn considerably true but not the bigger picture in his mind. "The words 'your brother's a huge fan of Donna' may have been used when we talked about you."
"You've talked about me?" Harvey nods, now getting uncharacteristically shy as he continues to surprise her.
"When I went to see her in Boston, we talked about my Dad's funeral and I may have mentioned that it was you who convinced me to go. Turns out she already knew you by name because of the stories they've told her before, so when she asked me more about you, I told her you were my former secretary and that we dated for a while."
Donna can tell, by the way he keeps averting his eyes away from her and shifting in his seat, that there's more to the story. She doesn't press him but she's not really giving him any reply either.
Harvey picks up on her silent request, of course, so he rolls his eyes and eventually relents.
"After we left Marcus's restaurant, she had to ask me if we really broke up because, according to her, I looked too happy for someone who was speaking about his ex-girlfriend."
Both their faces turn into shades of pink at his confession but before Donna can come up with any retort, she sees him wave at someone from across the room and soon enough a woman who had an uncanny resemblance to the man sitting beside her was standing before them.
He introduces the two women to each other, and Lily's face brightens upon hearing Donna's name, the same way Harvey's did when she accepted his invite for this dinner. She hasn't had any regrets over that decision until now; the weight of having dinner with a former lover and his mother, who apparently knows about their history, only starting to sink in. It certainly doesn't help that Harvey's relationship with both of them might still be strained over past events.
But Lily provides warm company and dinner turns out better than Donna could have expected, even when Harvey excuses himself to the comfort room and leaves her with his mother.
Donna could feel Lily's gaze boring right through her so she isn't taken aback, at all, when the older woman doesn't waste a second to start a conversation with her, as soon as Harvey's out of sight.
"You must be very special."
Lily's eyeing her with a glint of both intrigue and fascination as if she could see so many things just by having the redhead sitting across the table.
The corners of her lips tug upward just a little at Lily's statement, no doubt feeling the significance of this moment with the older woman whom Donna never imagined meeting.
"What makes you say that?"
"Marcus and Gordon used to tell me they knew Harvey would be well as long as he had you with him. That wasn't enough to put me at ease before, but now I understand," Lily tilts her head knowingly in that endearing way Donna was all too familiar with.
Though as true as the sentiment may have been in a different time, not being part of Harvey's life for the better part of the decade makes her feel almost inadequate to live up to Lily's assumptions.
"It wasn't just me. He has a lot of people looking out for him, even when he refuses to ask for help," she tries to downplay subtly and it seems to give Lily more assurance, but the latter is also insistent on making this conversation count for what it's worth.
She used to wonder about the redhead, and from the way her demeanor sparks with genuine curiosity at Lily's every story about Harvey's younger years, to Harvey being keen on making sure she doesn't feel out of place, and how Donna's eyes linger on him throughout their dinner like someone who was preparing to pick up the pieces lest things go south— it's easy to say that this woman still cares for her son and the gravity pulling the two isn't going to dissipate anytime soon, exes or not.
"Something tells me, though, meeting you tonight is the closest I could get to acquainting myself with Harvey's new life here."
Before Donna could muster a proper reply, she feels a hand on her shoulder and sees Harvey settling back onto his seat.
He asks Lily's choice of dessert and mentions Donna's, just to be sure she's going with her usual. She doesn't miss the content smile on Lily's face when Harvey teases her about his mother's presence being the much needed solution to keep his dessert safe from Donna, before eventually sliding his own plate towards her and insisting she helps him finish it because he knows she wants to.
He pays the bill and they all make their way out of the restaurant not long after. Harvey offers Lily a ride to the hotel she's staying but she's already calling a cab and waving goodbye at them.
"That wasn't so bad," he comments once both him and Donna are situated at the back of his car, and she finds herself smiling at his sincere tone and the peacefulness written on his face.
She agrees and tells him she's proud of his progress with Lily to which he replies with a simple, "Thank you for making it easier tonight."
They linger just outside of her door and Harvey doesn't get an invite to enter her apartment, but she sends him off with the softest kiss on his cheek and when Harvey arrives home, he looks for the ring, finally taking it out of the box and stares at it longer than intended before he goes to bed.
—
"You make being happy look weird, Specter," Samantha points out two weeks later when she enters his office and catches him smiling like an idiot at his phone.
"Who's the unlucky woman?"
"Why? You planning to warn her off?" he retorts. God knows she's ruined enough of his attempts with women ever since they became friends.
Truth is, Harvey's not confident that he's allowed to say anything to anyone about Donna, not even to Mike. They haven't discussed any matters of the heart since that night in his office, but they've gone out every day these past weeks and he's confident to say she's having as much fun as he is. He opens doors and pulls out chairs for her in restaurants, seeks out her hand when they're walking or when he's driving, and the phone conversations keep coming. He can't be sure if Donna's on the same page, but he swears he sees the same longing in her eyes that's becoming harder for him to shove down, the more time they spend together.
Samantha doesn't push him for answers, which is odd, but he soon realizes the reason behind her less lively spirits as she brings up the ethics hearing from earlier today. Two senior partners from their firm had recently decided to create a mess by breaking privilege and putting themselves at risk for disbarment.
To Harvey's surprise, Samantha tells him it's Robert Zane who takes the fall instead. In all honesty Harvey's not exactly in the loop regarding the crisis; seeing as a certain redhead who isn't even at the firm has been keeping him distracted lately.
"It gets easier," he offers as a comfort to the blonde reeling her mentor's disbarment.
He knows just as much because he had to live through Jessica's move to Chicago and it took him a while to adjust.
"I should hope so," Samantha replies, letting out a sad smile.
"He believed in me. He was the only one who ever did that, the only one who saw who I was — all my baggage, all my flaws."
His lips form into a small smile, having one or two people of his own who fits her description of Robert.
"And he accepted you anyway."
"He didn't just accept me. He loved me. Not easy to find someone like that in this world."
That gets to him.
And it isn't much of a mystery why.
He has long found that person for him— the complete package— and maybe he had to lose her for a while so he would realize just how hard it is to find another, and that he wants to be that person for her, too.
"I mean, what am I supposed to do when I have a big victory or a terrible loss, and the only person I wanna run and tell isn't there?"
Samantha looks at him expectantly, and he should probably feel like a terrible friend because all he could think about now is that he has to go and grab a particular small box from his condo.
"Samantha, I'm so sorry but I have to go."
Next thing Harvey knows is that he's in a cab to his apartment and, fuck it, he's been a goddamn idiot for taking this long but he's not going to let another day go by without giving that ring to its rightful owner.
—
He knocks on her door frantically and he can't even begin to describe the array of emotions that dawn on him as soon as she swings the door open, clad in a nightgown and long cardigan, brows furrowed in confusion at his sudden appearance.
He takes out the small box from his suit pocket before he loses all courage, opens it and flashes the ring in front of Donna without so much as a greeting or any word first, and he doesn't miss the way her eyes widen and her mouth falling open instantly because his own eyes are trained on her and only her.
She looks at the ring, then back up to his face wordlessly demanding an explanation.
"I've had it with me for 12 years now," is what he starts with, and Donna almost loses her hold on her door at the revelation. She blinks at him in rapid succession then tightens her grip on the door like it's the only thing keeping her upright.
"And I haven't decided when I should give it to you, until tonight. I couldn't give you what you needed before because I thought there were other more important things for me to work on." Getting to the top in his career.
"But it only made me realize that whether I had everything or nothing at all, it wouldn't matter if I can't share them with you. It's how I felt in all those years we weren't together — like my every success meant less, and the bad days were even less bearable because you were no longer there with me."
His hand is shaking as he takes the ring out of the box and holds it up. "Giving you this ring, now, is my way of sharing everything with you, Donna. It's proof that deep down I always knew I could be that man for you, and now I'm ready," he tells her earnestly, feeling his chest expand and he can't believe he lasted all those years denying how much love he has for this woman.
"I'm not expecting anything. I just want you to have this ring because it's always been meant for you, much like how a part of me will always belong to you."
Donna bites her trembling lip and pushes her weight off the door, now crossing her arms in front of her chest, her stoic face still unreadable to Harvey.
"And if I do? Want to be with you?" she asks in such a tone that doesn't give a single clue on what she really wants and he visibly swallows.
"Who's to say things won't end the same way they did before?"
His heart pounds with so much vigor he almost fears she'd hear it on top of his words. He's afraid, too. But Harvey's learned it's not necessarily a bad thing, it could just mean she's that important to him.
"I can't promise this will be easier and we'll have less bumps on the road."
It isn't what she wants to hear, but it's one of their hard truths and he figures they can't go back into a relationship without facing those.
"But I can promise that this time, you won't ever have to feel like you're the only one who wants to make things work out between us," he offers instead, smiling at her softly, because there truly is nothing he wants more than getting them their second chance. "And I'm not going to let you walk away from me again without a fight."
Donna seems to be taking it all in, and it feels like an eternity has passed for Harvey until she lets out a deep breath and something in her expression breaks as she looks down at the ring he's still holding.
"12 years, huh."
"Yeah. Pretty long time to be hung up on you."
She snorts then finally allows herself to grin at him, and Harvey can only hope she'll let him bring out that smile more in the future.
Turns out he can start now.
"You better hope it still fits."
She brings her hand up from her side, prompting him to put the ring, and the soft smile he was wearing turns into the biggest grin as he takes her hand in his and slowly places the ring on her finger.
He's still beaming like the luckiest man on earth when he meets her gaze again and steps inside her apartment.
"You and I will always fit," he says smoothly, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her closer. Donna lets her hand rest on his chest while the corner of her lips wind up into a smirk.
"12 years turned you into a sap who can use his words properly."
Harvey can only chuckle because he's surprised with himself tonight, too, before she's covering his mouth with her own.
Later that night, when they're both spent from hours of making up for lost time and they're just lovingly staring at each other, Donna will ask him if the ring now on her finger means they're engaged. He'll tell her it can mean anything she wants; that he's ready to both be dragged to a wedding first thing in the morning or to spend all the time in the world figuring out what they want for them, whichever she prefers, and for the first time in their long history Donna will be right to believe there is a future set for them.