"Why are you being a good mom! I want to hate you!"
"That sounds rather selfish, Taylor. Perhaps I should ground you? That's what moms do, right?"

Hardlight - Chapter 2

"Your father is having a poker night with Alan, he won't be home for hours, now stop complaining."

I scowled as Kayden neatly marched me into the living with her hand on my shoulder, both of our costumes tucked away in her duffel bag. "Did you arrange that intentionally?" I snapped.

She sighed and rubbed her temples. "Of course I did, Taylor. You go for a 'run' the night that a Ward gets beaten so bad she was almost killed?" She actually did the finger quotes. I had to stoke the fires of my anger to avoid blushing in embarrassment. "Did you seriously expect me to just let you go out alone without someone watching your back? Now get your shirt off and let me see your chest. I need to see how bad that hit was and if I should be calling Othala for a favor."

I didn't have to pretend to be angry at that comment. Free healing from a Nazi; no wonder she gave up on pushing for Panacea so easily. "If you were watching me the whole fucking time, why wait until Armsmaster nearly killed me for the third time before intervening?"

She grimaced and looked to the floor. "I was…I had gotten a call that's…rather hard to completely ignore. You were doing fine. You had just taken care of the druggies, I thought it would be fine to back off for a minute."

"Kaiser called you," I snarled. Fucking hell why did I still care what she thought?! She was still taking calls from the Nazi King of the Bay and had his personal healer on speed dial!

"Yes," she said. Her hand dropped and she shook her head. Fuck, why did she have to look so sad!? "Things aren't always black and white, Taylor. He was a part of my life for a long time. Longer than you probably suspect. When he called, I…I had to at least listen."

"You keep trying to say you're changed, yet you still take his calls. You're a fucking hypocrite, Kayden!"

She sank into the couch. "I know. But he doesn't just call in order to chat, Taylor. He calls when there is something I need to know about cape business. Like tonight. He was letting me know that the Protectorate was highly likely to be hunting for me."

"That doesn't make any sense at all," I spat. "Why would they be going after you? It's not like most of them can hurt you anyway!"

"Taylor," she sighed. "A lot of the Protectorate can hurt me. They don't because that's not how the politics are played. I'm powerful, but I'm not invincible. Right now, they're blaming the Empire for their Ward being hurt. Kaiser has pulled most of his people back and disavowed the assault. He claims they had no idea. A lot of the city still associates me with the Empire so, without them as targets, everyone is likely to blame me."

I threw myself into the armchair and glared at her. "They associate you with the Empire for good reason."

She met my eyes. "That's not my life anymore, Taylor."

"Could've fooled me."

She leaned back and clasped her hands between her legs. She almost seemed to wilt as she sighed, all of the fight leaving her body. "If you hate me so much, why aren't putting up more of a fight when Danny asks you how this thing has been going? You can run me out of this house with three words, Taylor."

My lips curled as I growled and slammed my fist onto the armrest of the chair wincing at the pain that radiated up my arm and my chest from the impact. "I want to hate you. I want to look at you and see a fucking Nazi! But you try and you care and you ask me how my day is! And nobody else cares!" She looked up at me, her eyes wide. Before she could say anything I kept ranting, "And then you go and casually insult the person bagging our groceries, or you shy away from the nice guy helping us load up the new washer, just because of their skin color! What am I supposed to think, Kayden? Tell me. Who am I supposed to see when I look at you? The nice woman who gives a shit about me or the casual racist who is barely paying lip service to having split from the Empire? You still take Kaiser's calls! You're not reformed! You're not throwing aside their beliefs! But you're the only person who even tries to like me! I can't get rid of you because then I'll have no one! AGAIN!"

I was breathing hard by the end of my rant and I screwed my eyes shut so I didn't have to look at her. Maybe if I kept them shut I could ignore the wet streaks on my sides of my face. I could pretend that I hadn't brought my knees to my chest and the sobbing was from the TV. The broken TV. The TV that I had broken when I tossed my backpack towards it yesterday. Sophia had got to me and I was angry and I broke our TV. Now we needed a new TV. A TV we couldn't afford before Kayden got here. Kayden the Nazi. Kayden who would leave if I kept ranting because then I'd tell who I was. Why couldn't I stop? Why was it so hard to breathe?

"Shhh, let it out. It's okay, Taylor, I'm right here."

The sobs got louder and I couldn't breathe. The warmth pressing into my face and my shoulders kept enveloping me and I clung to it.

"It's alright. It's alright."

"No it's not," I managed to gasp out. Kayden just held me.

Goddamn it. Why couldn't one thing go right? Was that really so much to ask?

I didn't know how long I kept crying, but eventually my sniffles got under control and I pulled back from her embrace. Kayden was kneeling on the carpet, one hand still on my knee as she looked at me wiping my eyes and shoving my glasses back onto my face. "Taylor, I know I'm not perfect. I'm trying to be a better person. I really am. I…when I triggered…it was because of an attack by a group of Asian men who tried to rob the store I was shopping at. I didn't intend to hold a grudge, to be afraid, but…I met a man, Max, shortly afterwards and the things that he said…They made sense. Because why else would those specific people have gone for that specific store? Why would they have targeted me and my friend when we were the only white people there? It made sense. It's hard to forget some of those lessons and those words, to move past the fear and the hate, because every time I think I have, something will happen, and I remember that store. I'm trying, but you can't change a decade's worth of habits overnight."

She sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "How about this: if you let me help you learn how to be a hero, I'll let you help me learn how to be a better person. Okay? Does that sound like a fair deal?"

I bit back my first reply and took a shaky breath before trusting myself to speak. "Why do you care?"

"Care about you or care about being better?"

"Yes."

She smiled and chuckled. "Are you sure your mom was a language teacher? She could've been a mathematician with that answer." I just glared at her and she held up her hands in surrender. "I want to be better because you're right, I haven't been doing a fantastic job of proving that I don't agree with Max's beliefs anymore. He didn't even really believe them himself, but between what he kept saying and my own experiences." She let out a breath and looked toward the ceiling.

"I've met some good people on the other side of the divide since then and I was finally able to step back and take a long hard look at myself. I don't want to shy away from the tall, handsome teenager helping us out of the goodness of his heart. I don't want to think that a bag packer is a good job for a young black boy. That's not what good people think, and I want to be a good role model. I want you to look at me and be proud. I want others to look at Purity as someone they can respect. I want to help people, Taylor. I can't do that if I keep thinking that every minority is just one bad day away from armed robbery. That's not right, and I hate that Max convinced me that it was."

I nodded. It made sense. It made horrible, horrible sense. I couldn't really expect her to throw away half a lifetime's worth of fear and habits in a month could I?

I should be able to expect that…

"And I care about you, because you're my family now, Taylor. It's as simple as that."

"You're not married to my dad," I muttered.

"True, but that doesn't particularly matter to me. You're still the daughter I never had."

I snorted. "What, so if dad left before you tied the knot, you'd still be here the next morning?"

"Yes, I would."

That brought me up short and I narrowed my eyes as I focused on her. "Why?"

"I just told you. You're my family, and I care. I'm not going anywhere. If Danny disappears one day, I'll still be here. If things don't work out between us, you can still always come to me no matter what."

"Why?!"

She shook her head, shrugged one shoulder, and reached out to squeeze my hand. "Some things don't have good answers, Taylor. I'm sorry I can't explain it better. You'll understand one day."

I scowled at that, but I didn't shake her hand away. "You're seriously leaving me with that cliche?"

She laughed in earnest. "Oh sweetie, some cliches are actually very appropriate."

"What if…" I trailed off and clutched at her hand as my head dropped to my chest. "What if I told you that I wasn't who you thought I was? That I was…someone else?"

"Taylor honey, I think I already know that you're a cape." I tried to chuckle at her joke, but the sound died in my throat, coming out more of a wheeze. "Taylor, you don't have to tell me what has you so upset, but know that whatever it is, it doesn't change anything. I'm still going to be right here for you if you ever need me. Tell me now, tell me in a year, tell me in a decade; it doesn't matter."

"It does…" I whispered.

"It doesn't. I'm still not going anywhere."

I almost told her. I almost said it. Two words and I could lay it bare and make her put her money where her mouth was.

She's a Nazi sympathizer. She's trying, but her instinct is still there.

I took a gasping breath and pulled my hand back clutching it to my chest. "I can't. I'm sorry, I can't."

"And that's okay, it's okay to feel like that." She stood and leaned forward to hug me again. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes again, but I pushed them down with a titanic effort of will. I was not going to cry. Not again. "How about we talk about something else?" I nodded into her chest and she pulled back, moving to sit on the couch again. "You need to know some things about being a cape, if you're going to keep going out. And I need to tell you what I know about the Ward so something like tonight doesn't happen again."

I wiped at my nose and nodded. "How did Armsmaster even mistake me for you? I don't fly, my minions don't look at all like a beam of light. It doesn't make sense."

Kayden winced. "Armsmaster is not very good at dealing with people and the attack likely has him on edge. He's a bit of a glory hound - it's an open secret - and he's probably taking this personally; that he can't protect his own people…it reflects poorly on him."

"So…if he was looking for you in particular…"

"Someone in a white costume, that's very hard to see clearly, is very tall, and has a distinct glow around their arms? In a stressful situation, Taylor, that person would look a lot like me, even just standing on the ground."

I shook my head. "No, my minions look like cherubs! They wouldn't make me glow like that."

She winced. "Taylor, I've been watching you practice for the past week. Your light constructs are very hard to see clearly, even when they are not moving."

"They…are?"

"Very hard. They're too bright."

"It's just a dim glow though…I already toned it down a lot from when I first summoned one and…Oh. Crap."

She smiled at me, even if it looked more like a grimace. "You can see through them can't you? The light doesn't affect you at all does it?"

"I thought I compensated for that," I mumbled.

"Not enough sweetie. We can work on it. That's why it's better to test your powers with others. They can find the blind spots that you have regarding your own abilities."

"Oh god, this is so embarrassing…"

"It happens to all of us, Taylor." She patted my arm again, then took a deep breath. "Now, current events, then we go over the basic rules for being a cape."

"Why does the Protectorate think the Empire hurt the guy?" I asked. "I mean, I hate them, but Kaiser's not stupid. He doesn't go after Wards, not even Lung wants that kind of heat."

She frowned. "Why do you think it's a guy?"

I shrugged. "Well the only female Wards are Vista and Shadow Stalker. Vista would've been on the news if she'd been hurt - everyone loves her, even most of the villains. Shadow Stalker is…she wouldn't have been caught by gangbangers. The forums mostly agree that she's a bitch, but she's a competent bitch. She knows what she's doing and she's good at it. I've seen the number of arrests she has."

Kayden sighed. "They went after her in her civilian identity."

I blinked.

"We don't attack capes without masks on. It's not done. Once you start attacking each other out of costume, it sets a bad precedent. Powers are like having a gun that you can't see and that can't be taken away from you. If people can't trust that someone won't point their power at them without lethal intent, then the only safe way to interact with that person is to try to kill them before they can try to kill you."

"That's…stupid," I said. "Being a hero or villain isn't just about having a mask."

She nodded. "Yes, but that's why there are the unwritten rules. Escalation just makes everything worse, and we can't ever really de-escalate when it comes to powers."

Kayden paused, some complicated emotion crossing her face. "That's why Armsmaster would attack someone he thought was me on sight, he doesn't really trust that I won't attack him, and with a Ward being beaten half to death? With the PRT blaming the Empire? Well I can understand that reaction from him."

"But that sort of reaction would get so many innocent people hurt. That's not heroic!"

"True, and sometimes innocents are caught in the cross-fire. Like you tonight. But we still have the rules. Because we need a way to keep our lives separate. We would never be able to live if we have to constantly look over our shoulders for an attack every moment of the day. It's not perfect, but it works. Somewhat. Some people will disregard the rule if they think they can get away with it, or if their target has played fast and loose with boundaries in the past, or if, like Lung, they simply have enough power to be left alone."

I clenched my fist and frowned. "That's why you don't attack Empire targets…"

"I don't want Kaiser or any of the others to use the excuse that I'm using my knowledge of their identities outside the cape world to attack them inside it. I doubt he would come after you or Danny for real, but…"

"He would use it against you," I said, sighing. This was why I hadn't gone to her for help with Sophia. If she attacked the Empire and he twisted it to her being aggressive; he knew her name. He'd use us against her to get her back on his side in a heartbeat. "So what? The Protectorate and PRT are assuming that someone found out Shadow Stalker's civilian identity and attacked her then, because they couldn't get her while she was in costume?"

"That's the theory. I don't particularly think it holds much water though."

"Why?" I asked.

Kayden sighed. "I'm not being racist when I say this, Taylor, so please don't think I am. Shadow Stalker was apparently a black girl. The people who targeted her were probably Empire Eighty Eight members. It could very well be that she was just - "

"Walking down the wrong street," I finished, nearly growling.

"Yes. However, from what Kaiser said, I don't think it was that simple. They knew where she lived, so it was targeted to some degree. Yet, that's much like saying that the ABB targets young girls for its brothels. Maybe she pissed someone off and they followed her home one day, getting their friends together afterwards. It doesn't take much to incite some people."

An icy knot coiled in my stomach. "Why wouldn't she just fight back?"

"From what I understand, she did. She beat down several of them before they took her down. But, she's still a cape, she wouldn't want to expose herself if she could avoid it. She waited until near the end of the attack before she finally showed her power."

I had talked to Eric that morning.

"So shouldn't she have just won at that point?" I asked, my mouth dry. "Shadow Stalker has a breaker state."

Sophia was a black girl.

"Kaiser said that one of the people had brought a taser. He was new, when she went into her Breaker form he didn't pull back, he panicked and he shocked her. Her breaker state had a bad reaction to it."

Sophia was a bitch.

"They pulled out immediately, the ringleader called the PRT as soon as they were out of the house. He stayed on the line long enough to advise them where she was, that she was unconscious, and that they were not aware she was a cape."

Shadow Stalker was a bitch.

"The Protectorate and PRT are claiming that account can't be trusted. They say it was targeted and not only are they on high alert, but they are using that to target the Empire as a whole now. Except Kaiser confirmed the events to me earlier. He's a manipulative asshole, but he's never outright lied to me."

Sophia got away with everything at Winslow…she had free reign of the school…because…

"I don't think they knew who they were confronting. I think it was just a very bad coincidence. That's not an excuse, but it does paint things in a very different light. A war could very well erupt because a group of people with a grudge went after the worst target, completely by accident."

I had a grudge…

"So anyone even tangentially associated with the Empire Eighty Eight are under the spotlight now. I'm going to have to be very careful for the next few weeks. You too if we can't get your light show toned down to something more easily recognizable."

Oh god…

"But none of this is your fault, Taylor. You just chose a bad night to get started. It's okay, we all have bad dice rolls sometimes."

I had done this.

"I'm going to show you how to get back out there; and how to do it safely. Okay?"

Sophia was a Hero. She was a Ward.

Eric was going to call me out. He was going to name me as the instigator.

I had started a war…because I wanted revenge.